Afraid that my girlfriend will dump me because she doesn't trust me!

LegacyUser

Right, apologies as this is a long one.

I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months, completely in love with her, really see a future in this (both late 20's) and everything is beyond amazing...except for one massive problem. She doesn't trust me, at all.

Part of what originally attracted me to her was the fact that she came across as so strong, independent, self-contained and happy within herself. She has loads of quite solitary hobbies, has lived and worked in a range of foreign countries and travelled by herself and generally just seemed really sure of herself, her opinions etc.

Now we live a bit away from each other so see each other at weekends, which I actually love because we can do all of our stuff, work etc during the week and then have something to look forward to every weekend.

Now I will start this bit by saying that she knows that I have cheated on two girlfriends in the past. I won't make excuses here (there are big stories behind this, which she is aware of) but it is something I am really ashamed of, bad times in my life etc. but I told her this because I wanted to be honest with her and that is part of my past, shaped my opinions on things today etc. Also to point out here that she has told me stories from her past which if anything are a lot worse than mine...but I would never judge someone on actions in previous relationships and use it against them.

Now at the start there were a few hints of things to come. I'd be telling a story of being out with a friend during the week and she would say "what's their name?" to see if it was a girl, or she would ask me if I fancied various friends. I kind of liked this a little bit because I feel that she is so out of my league anyway and can't believe that she loves me that a tiny spark of jealousy was quite reassuring. But then it gets worse....

It started one night, mid lovely text message conversation she just said "I feel very distant from you. I hope that it is meant to work itself out. Maybe it won't." Now this had happened one time before when she had said that she would never be with someone for the sake of it and if it felt anyway wrong then she would be gone in a second. Also said that if I ever fancied someone else remotely I was to tell her so that she could break up with me immediately and she brings up quite a bit how much she would hate if I lied to her.
So the text really upset me. And I told her. But now it seems like every 3 days there is something similar. Everything will be fine and then out of nowhere i'll get a "I'm worried that I'm going to stop liking you. don't mean to hurt you I'm just being honest." followed by a massive dissection of how she thinks I am lying to her, will lie to her, will definitely cheat on her, specific people she thinks I will cheat on her with, she can't believe that this relationship is any different, wants to trust me but can't etc etc.

Basically she has got to the point where this lack of trust is having a negative impact on her life. She can't sleep over it, stresses and feels sick over it and spends an awful lot of time wanting to dump me. She loves me and says that she hopes she will get over it in time, but feels really trapped by these feelings and is worried that she will have to break up with me just to make them stop.

I'm in bits over this, because I understand her lack of trust (has had issues in the past) but hate that it all seems so manipulative and selfish. All these texts that she knows hurt me, looking for a reaction etc. And they are always mid-week when I'm not going to see her for a few days. In person, we talk about this stuff, she feels instantly better and then everything is amazing, but as soon as we are apart she finds something. Like I am going away for the weekend by myself soon, she is convinced that I am meeting someone there, saw a message from a girl I used to work with on my facebook page who happens to live in the same foreign country (with her long-term boyfriend) and this sparked off another massive upset. I got a text at work last night asking how I would feel about having an open relationship!!!!!!! Naturally I panicked completely, felt like I had been kicked in the stomach and thought she had met someone else...but no, it was to get a reaction and followed by a long message about her trust issues and how she thinks she may never get over them and her worries that we shouldn't be together,even though she loves me.

I know the easy response is "dump her, oh the hassle" but I love her. I have been in love before and have never felt like this. Yes she is becoming completely head wrecking, but when we are together we have the best time in the world, can talk about anything etc, it is just that when we are apart and can't see each other for a bit she freaks out. It doesn't help that I have a much wider social circle than she does (she's not mad into socialising, parties etc) and she doesn't have the kind of friends that she can talk to about relationship stuff so I am the one she vents to.

How can I make this better? What can I do to help with the trust thing? I know that I am pandering to it, but I also know how easily she could just walk away and that terrifies me because I want to be with her so badly. I know this post makes it seem like a huge part of the relationship, but it really is about an hour out of the week, the rest of the time it's great. Only it is a horrible hour and it seems to be getting worse...

Jaxxy

Hi OP,

Your girlfriend has a few very serious issues here. She is attempting to manipulate and control you to assuage her deep insecurities. You might have encouraged it (subconsciously or otherwise) in the beginning, but now the boundaries are being pushed.

You say this only happens when you are apart. That's because when you're together and she has you in front of her she can see exactly where you are, what you are doing and can relax.

You said it yourself, these text messages you're receiving midweek are designed to illicit a certain response from you. Panic, reassurance, emotional turmoil as you get upset reading her off the cuff remarks about whether or not she can trust you, what you get up to when she's not around, if you two can be together. True, you've cheated in other relationships in the past and that might give cause to any woman to feel slightly insecure, but this kind of behaviour isn't normal OP, and I suspect it will only get worse.

The next time she sends you a text like that don't answer it straight away. Try not to pander to her every mood swing. Then you need to sit down with her, face to face, and suggest she seek some professional help.

It's not a pleasant situation to be in and it is obvious from your post you care a lot about her but remember we present our best sides to people when we first meet them. She might still be independent/well traveled/clever and all of those other things you fell for in the beginning, but she is also needy, insecure and a little manipulative. You both have to accept that if the relationship is going to work.

LegacyUser

so sad about this wrote: »

"I feel very distant from you. I hope that it is meant to work itself out. Maybe it won't."

"I'm worried that I'm going to stop liking you. don't mean to hurt you I'm just being honest." spends an awful lot of time wanting to dump me.

I got a text at work last night asking how I would feel about having an open relationship!!!!!!!

How can I make this better?

You're the sort of guy whose friends says 'I don't know what he's doing with that one!'

Two words-DRAMA QUEEN.

She's wrecking your head and refuses to show you any respect.

Taltos

Stop facilitating her immediately.
Have it out face to face. Be totally honest. Tell her you cannot continue like this. Either she gets the help and stops immediately or she is leaving you no choice but to leave.
Her constant manipulation is destroying not only you but how you feel about her.
Even offer to go to the initial meeting. But either she trusts you or she doesn't. Trust me the longer this goes on the worse it will get until you realise her fears...

LegacyUser

OP your gf sounds like a friend of mine, she just cannot trust men. end of. shes in a relationship at the moment, a month in and shes already reading his texts. no amount of reasoning with her works, in the moment you reassure her and shes fine, and admits shes overreacting, but 2 days later and shes at it again, as her friend i find it tiring, i can't imagine how frustrating it must be to be the bf in that situation. its a never ending cycle.

Op as a harsh as this sounds its not going to get any better, i sometimes wonder with my friend, is it a drama thing, some kind of ploy and need to constantly be the centre of attention, whatever the reason as has been said she is manipulating you. Shes like a 2 year old child who thinks the only way to get attention is to throw a tantrum. But you keep giving her the attention so the tantrum works and the cycle starts again. She needs to find other ways to deal with her insecurities, and personally i don't think theres anything you can do to help her, but if you do insist on staying with her then you need to stop allowing her to cause needless drama.

sit her down and tell her she has to trust you, tell her that you love her and will never cheat on her, but you are no longer going to answer any of her texts which question your loyalty and then simply do not reply to these texts, ignore them.

LegacyUser

i'm ashamed to admit it but i recognise alot of my younger self in your girlfriend.

i had my heart broken badly in my early 20s and as a result had serious trust issues and a major fear of getting hurt again for many years after that. While I'd differ from your girlfriend in that I wouldnt have been as extreme in my actions and i would have enternalised it alot more, I think ultimately she's has the same issues.

i think she has a massive fear of being hurt, and she's pushing you away as a form of self protection. i think she's testing you. in her warped logic she's given you amble opportunity and reason to cut and run, but wants proof that your feelings for her will be strong enough to make stay.

I'm aware of how ****ed up and backward all of this sounds but she needs to know that you love her inspite of all this.

i also think that when she says she's worried she's going to stop liking you, she means she's actually worried that you're going to stop liking her etc. the fears she has about you, instead of discussing them like a normal person would she'll raise them in a round about way....

If you want the relationship to work, you need to make her realise that her fear of getting hurt is ultimately going to be the cause of her getting hurt, as in if she cannot get over her trust issues they will cause of you leave her not the other way around.

I recked many a good relationship until someone finally got that message thru to me.

unfortunately she might not fully understand this until its too late & its probably a realisation that she will only come to her in her own good time.

you also have to decide if she's worth the wait and the hassle.

(I know most readers will be like WFT but I was her)

Wompa1

I'm a guy and can kind of relate to your girlfriend. I hate the lad mentality so try not to live up to that kind of thinking too much. I have never cheated on a girlfriend and in my head I never ever will, I have just always thought it's one of the worst things you can do to another person.

My girlfriend admittidly cheated on an ex, this ex is a guy she nearly married and obviously loved deeply. I have a hard time trusting her fully, if she's away from me for too long I start to get paranoid which ends up with me being in really bad humour the next time I see her because even though I'm pretty sure she didn't do anything I am still upset by the idea of it.

Unfortunately we were too honest with each other when we started seeing each other I think. So I know too much about who she was with before me and what she has done. It kind of sucks!

I would say just assure her that you love her and would not subject her to the trauma of cheating. Assure her too that if you are ever in a situation in which you find you are going to cheat you will hold off and then break up with her the next day...

28064212

so sad about this wrote: »

How can I make this better? What can I do to help with the trust thing?

Not much. I can guarantee you, if your GF posted on this board about how she was with a guy who had cheated on two previous partners and didn't know if she could trust him, many of the replies would be along the lines of "once a cheater, always a cheater". She's right not to trust you, you've shown you shouldn't be trusted.

Having said that, her behaviour is OTT. The only thing you can realistically do is try and build a level of trust between you, and not give her any more reason to not trust you

deereidy

Your girlfriend reminds me of me now. Maybe you could show her what you wrote here? (maybe not all the replies though,no offence other posters.)
When i got with my bf first i was very insecure all the time and it took time to work through it, but i used to do things like delete his number when i knew id be drinking and could be doing things like calling him for no reason. If it really is just insecurity everytime she isn't with you I recommend writing a few really mushy texts about how you feel about her and how your feelings aren't going to change just like that and tell her to save them and read them whenever she feels insecure because you can't answer the phone or whatever. I think she needs to learn how to self soothe.

metrovelvet

Im going to give a very unpopular view here.

If one is that insecure one should not be in a relationship with anyone except a therapist.

She is a reassurance junkie and you have been feeding her the hits.

I have come to hate text messaging, facebook and even email. Too much communication is as bad as not enough.

When you are not in front of her she is alone and her imagination is getting the better of her. Text messaging and emails and all these instant devices irritate and inflame these neurosis like a piece of fabric rubbing against a mosquito bite. She is too dependant on your reassurance.

seenitall

metrovelvet wrote: »

Im going to give a very unpopular view here.

If one is that insecure one should not be in a relationship with anyone except a therapist.

She is a reassurance junkie and you have been feeding her the hits.

I have come to hate text messaging, facebook and even email. Too much communication is as bad as not enough.

When you are not in front of her she is alone and her imagination is getting the better of her. Text messaging and emails and all these instant devices irritate and inflame these neurosis like a piece of fabric rubbing against a mosquito bite. She is too dependant on your reassurance.

Not unpopular with me!

Agree 100%.

Ickle Magoo

I have to agree with metrovelvet. She sounds insecure to the point of neurotic and her constant dropping of threats to end the relationship or go off you or that you'll do something or go off her are ways to manufacture ego strokes and reassurance from you.

You have to tell her how annoying it is becoming and that the insecurity is her issue and not one you should have to be constantly dealing with and undergoing tests for. That it is far more likely to mean the end of your relationship that anything you are going to do and give her a chance to reign it in and get some help before she does irreparable damage.

Best of luck