Good-looking GF gets so much attention..

LegacyUser

To start off, I want to say that even though this problem centres round my gf, I know she’s not doing anything wrong; it’s the way I’m reacting to the situation. I just want to know how I can stop feeling like this.

Been with my girlfriend for just two months, having liked her for ages. I had a big thing for her since Xmas but to be honest, I never thought she’d give me a second glance. This is the thing; she’s extremely good-looking. You’d stop on the street to look at her. She’s really slim but still curvy, with a gorgeous face and long dark hair. I thought she’d be totally up herself when I first met her and that she wouldn’t give me the time of day (I’m a tall guy but only average looking and could be in better shape). However this wasn’t the case with her at all. We got to be great friends over a few months and I saw that she was so down to earth and sweet. When we finally got together, I was delighted. None of my mates could believe it, truth be told and said she’s “too hot” for me.

Anyway since we’ve been together, she’s been a great girlfriend, really nice and considerate. She doesn’t flirt with other guys and I’ve no reason on her end not to trust her. It’s the other guys who are constantly, constantly hitting on her that are doing my head in.

Her facebook wall is always covered in guys comments, guys that she just kinda knows and who aren’t her actual friends. She thinks it’s innocent enough but I know how fellas operate and them asking her to meet up with them on a Saturday night isn’t innocent. She has on it that she’s on a relationship but it doesn’t seem to deter anyone! If we stay in at the weekend, she’ll wake up the next morning to 5 missed calls from guys and 4am text messages. (I don’t go through the phone; she’d say it to me and be laughing at them, saying they were eejits). I know she doesn’t give them reason to call her at all hours or lead them on. They’re just chancing their arms cos she’s a stunner.

Even when she’s out for drinks with myself and my mates, I see them flirting with her. I’m not being paranoid about this. I don’t think they mean to flirt with her or set out to. She’s just so pleasant and chatty to them all that they can’t help it. A lot of them would be quiet, shy lads who aren’t used to hanging out with pretty girls. She’d be humouring them, talking about sci-fi or whatever they’re into, to be nice and by the end of the night, they’re all starry-eyed and half in love with her!

I know this is my problem. It’s not so much anger towards these lads, or jealousy, just that my own insecurity is being played on here. She goes to a gym and her ex goes there too. I passed no remarks on this til I saw him on facebook. He’s bloody massive and my sister was there when I was looking at him and went mad for him. She’s gotten asked out by the head personal trainer at her gym too.

I know I should be delighted that this girl chose me. I know that she genuinely couldn’t care less about these other guys and she says that all she wants is a guy who’ll treat her well. She also gives me compliments all the time. I just feel grossly inadequate. Like my mates, I’d be a quiet enough lad and I’ve never gone out with someone who gets so much attention. I don’t really know how to manage it.

_Kaiser_

insecureboyfriend wrote: »

To start off, I want to say that even though this problem centres round my gf, I know she’s not doing anything wrong; it’s the way I’m reacting to the situation. I just want to know how I can stop feeling like this.

Been with my girlfriend for just two months, having liked her for ages. I had a big thing for her since Xmas but to be honest, I never thought she’d give me a second glance. This is the thing; she’s extremely good-looking. You’d stop on the street to look at her. She’s really slim but still curvy, with a gorgeous face and long dark hair. I thought she’d be totally up herself when I first met her and that she wouldn’t give me the time of day (I’m a tall guy but only average looking and could be in better shape). However this wasn’t the case with her at all. We got to be great friends over a few months and I saw that she was so down to earth and sweet. When we finally got together, I was delighted. None of my mates could believe it, truth be told and said she’s “too hot” for me.

Anyway since we’ve been together, she’s been a great girlfriend, really nice and considerate. She doesn’t flirt with other guys and I’ve no reason on her end not to trust her. It’s the other guys who are constantly, constantly hitting on her that are doing my head in.

Her facebook wall is always covered in guys comments, guys that she just kinda knows and who aren’t her actual friends. She thinks it’s innocent enough but I know how fellas operate and them asking her to meet up with them on a Saturday night isn’t innocent. She has on it that she’s on a relationship but it doesn’t seem to deter anyone! If we stay in at the weekend, she’ll wake up the next morning to 5 missed calls from guys and 4am text messages. (I don’t go through the phone; she’d say it to me and be laughing at them, saying they were eejits). I know she doesn’t give them reason to call her at all hours or lead them on. They’re just chancing their arms cos she’s a stunner.

Even when she’s out for drinks with myself and my mates, I see them flirting with her. I’m not being paranoid about this. I don’t think they mean to flirt with her or set out to. She’s just so pleasant and chatty to them all that they can’t help it. A lot of them would be quiet, shy lads who aren’t used to hanging out with pretty girls. She’d be humouring them, talking about sci-fi or whatever they’re into, to be nice and by the end of the night, they’re all starry-eyed and half in love with her!

I know this is my problem. It’s not so much anger towards these lads, or jealousy, just that my own insecurity is being played on here. She goes to a gym and her ex goes there too. I passed no remarks on this til I saw him on facebook. He’s bloody massive and my sister was there when I was looking at him and went mad for him. She’s gotten asked out by the head personal trainer at her gym too.

I know I should be delighted that this girl chose me. I know that she genuinely couldn’t care less about these other guys and she says that all she wants is a guy who’ll treat her well. She also gives me compliments all the time. I just feel grossly inadequate. Like my mates, I’d be a quiet enough lad and I’ve never gone out with someone who gets so much attention. I don’t really know how to manage it.

First off.. congrats!

At the end of the day OP, YOU are the one she's with. All these other guys can post whatever they like on Facebook, or text or whatever but by the sound of it it's not getting them anywhere.

Don't worry about it. This girl is obviously attracted to you and she's clearly well able to politely deflect the attention she gets so I'd just concentrate on having fun together and remember that at the end of the night, it's you she's going home with - not these other guys.

Table Top Joe

Heres what you need to do......relax and enjoy yourself! i had a girlfriend before who was unreal too,just gorgeous,id go to the bar or toilet for 2 minutes and by the time i came back there'd be some guy hitting on her,she never lead them on they just came to her.....i always took it as a huge compliment tbh and was even a little proud of pulling her! she obviously knows she could get any guy and she wants you,if you lose your confidence and obsess over this youll end up annoying her and drive her away......im seeing another good looking girl now and she gets attention too,i actually like it! some guys drove past us last week and shouted out "shes lovely!",i shouted back "Thanks i know!" if your gonna go out with a looker this is the price you pay(though as i said,i love it and it doesnt bother me in the slightest)

So,just relax and remember she's yours

whatsamsn

I know what your saying mate.
But... she hasnt crossed any lines. So not much you can do but try to just not let it bother you


However, may i ask, is she on any social networking site? (tagged? myspace etc) It sounds like these guys who are commenting her are guys she may of randomly chatted to on sites.

tinkerbell

OP - you just gotta think of it like this, she chose YOU, she's not with anybody else, it is YOU she wants to be with. I mean who does she come home to at night? You, not any of these guys that flirt with her.

Regarding her ex, even though your sister "went mad for him", he is her EX BOYFRIEND. He is her ex for a reason. It didn't work out. So you should just disregard that feeling because he was not the guy for her!

And being such a good looking girl, she's gonna get asked out loads and get chatted up, and if she's really friendly then guys will think that they stand a chance. But if it's in her nature to be friendly to everyone, then she can't really change that. You just gotta remember that at the end of the day she's with YOU. You've got a gorgeous girl, so be happy, she's not doing anything wrong

Sound Bite

OP, you have no reason to feel inadequate.

From what you say, this girl could have have her pick of men, but she decided upon YOU. That alone should give your confidence in itself, no one forced her to, she doesn't have to be with you but for whatever reasons (& there are probably plenty) she has decided that she wants you. You must be doing something right.

What I would be concerned about it that you need to deal with your insecurity. If not, you may end up coming accross as possessive, needy, immature etc, none of which are attractive qualities.

johnr1

I understand your problem OP, I have had the same with one or two girls over the years with varying outcomes depending largely on how I dealt with it - not always very well I might add.
Way I now see it is you have two choices. You can let it bother you till you slip up eventually and show your annoyance/insecurity = she will feel claustrophobic and most DEFINITELY leave you. Or, You can grit your teeth, be the man she believes you to be and ignore the sad besterds.
When it comes down to it, she has probably had to deal with this since she was a young teenager and is well able to choose her man.

At the end of the day to quote a famous poster here " who is she banging ?"

Beruthiel

As others have said, she's with you.
Repeat that.
She likes you, she likes who you are.
Now she has done nothing to upset your relationship and if you allow this jealously to ruin what you have, you will only have yourself to blame.
Stay who you are and trust her.

Hmmmmm.

While I'm sure your girlfriend is a lovely girl, I'd have to wonder about all the guys calling and texting her and leaving messages on her Facebook. I really never buy this 'I can't help it, they just text me' line. People call and text you because they feel like it's OK, they don't see a boundary which should be respected. When I meet guys, I don't mind giving them my number/Facebook but make it clear that I'm in a relationship and that flirty messages aren't really appropriate. If people cross the line, which sometimes happens, I'll just ignore the message and they realise it was a bit much and they go back to 'mate' talk. If I'm out and someone hits on me, I'll be polite but ever so slightly frosty. The line between friendly and flirty is very, very thin. I've found that if you make it clear you don't want the attention, you don't tend to get it.

So, I'd be inclined to think your GF is getting quite an ego boost out of all this. While she can't help that people look at her, it really is easy enough to put a stop to all the calls and messages by making it clear she's in relationship and not available to meet guys who aren't her friends on Saturday nights. She probably isn't cheating in any way, and she might not even realise she's doing it, but she is playing a part in it all by encouraging the attention. I just don't believe anyone, male or female, who claims they 'can't help it' if people text them unless they're a celebrity or something or have an actual stalker. Most normal people are fairly quick to give up if they see that nothing is going to happen.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Thanks for all the advice.

I'd be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt in terms of her not encouraging these guys. I recognise the names of these lads as the same ones who were at this long before I was with her. She responds to people on facebook saying "No, I'm hanging out with my boyfriend tonight" and that kinda thing. She's put statuses up referring to me as well. At this point I'm so paranoid, I'd be the first to say she was encouraging it but I just don't think so.

In response to another poster, these aren't guys she randomly chatted to on sites. She was in a modelling agency for a while and a good few of these guys who are on to her were in the agency with her, so she only vaguely knows them. I dunno, maybe they're used to getting their own way.

I know myself I need to be a lot less insecure. I don't articulate any of this to her cos I don't want her to think of me as being possessive or jealous. I did get drunk there a couple of weeks ago though and acted like a bit of a sap, kept asking her why she liked me or was with me. She didn't seem bothered by it, but I was annoyed at myself after.

pwd

Why does she entertain guys flirting with her though, and asking her out when they know she has a bf? If it's guys getting the wrong idea, they should only be doing it once, really. But lots of girls like to look for attention from guys when they are in a relationship, and it's not really on.

It sounds like most of the guys asking her out are presenting themselves to her as potential partners, and not as friends really at all. So why does she keep talking to them if she's in a relationship with you? And why do they think they should keep talking to her?

Why does she find it funny to wake up to phone calls in the middle of the night from these guys, or text messages? I'd be extremely pissed off if a girl rang me in the middle of the night because she had a thing for me, and bothered about what sort of mental case would think this would be an ok thing to do without any sort of expression of interest on my part.

She laughs at them though. It's really really clear that she's a MASSIVE TEASE tbh.

I think you should ask her why she thinks it's ok for guys to act this way towards her. I don't think you should get jealous or insecure or angry and I think you should only talk about it with specific cases, like guys calling her in the middle of the night, and avoid generalising. Tell her that it's really strange, and highly disrespectful, and he's not her friend, so why does she want to keep talking to him. The problem is her attitude, rather than guys being interested, and don't make it seem like you're threatened or jealous (this will just encourage her if anything), but that you just don't understand her behaviour, and disapprove of it. Then I think you should break up with her if she doesn't cop on to herself very fast.

Oh, and, if you do listen to me, you probably shouldn't actually call her a tease unless you want to break up with her.

insecureboyfriend

insecureboyfriend wrote: »

OP here again. Thanks for all the advice.

I'd be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt in terms of her not encouraging these guys. I recognise the names of these lads as the same ones who were at this long before I was with her. She responds to people on facebook saying "No, I'm hanging out with my boyfriend tonight" and that kinda thing. She's put statuses up referring to me as well. At this point I'm so paranoid, I'd be the first to say she was encouraging it but I just don't think so.

What does it matter how long she's known them? She's in a relationship now and that carry on isn't appropriate. I don't think you are being insecure and possessive at all, tbh. I think your reaction is completely normal. As I already said, I highly, highly doubt that these guys would be at this if they thought it wasn't appreciated. If I was getting 4am calls and texts from guys who weren't my boyfriend, I'd put a stop to it pretty damn quickly. It's disrespectful. I'd be livid if my boyfriend was getting calls and texts all night from other girls, and rightfully so. It's not on.

LegacyUser

I agree with the above poster.

There is plenty of stunners around who will always have to deal with the advances of other men. I have had plenty of late night texts and advances from guys but when I started going out with my BF I made it clear that it was not on anymore. If someone persisted after that I'd have no problem cutting contact, deleting them from Facebook or whatever.

Sounds like your GF is enjoying the attention, do you really think that guys will continue to pursue her for months on end without any encouragement???

You clearly have her on a pedestal and think that she can do no wrong but she has a part to play here. She should be making the boundaries clear to these so called mates, and if they can't respect them she should be telling them where to go.

You need to call her on this imho.

whatsamsn

Op, how many guys are we talking about here? 2-3? ... 4-6? etc coming onto to her on facebook/ringing her?
also how old are you two? (age will help in this situation)

As for late night calls - thats a definitely not on. Those guys have to be getting some sort of reaction/feeler/intiser from your gf. My biggest concern would be how did they get her number?
Think of it this way, guy rings girl he is after at 3am... if she turned around and said "what the hell are you ringing me that late for?" - he wouldnt ring that late again. Because he would be put in his place. (unless he is a dumb fool or a p*ick.. but if he did it again he would be further put into his place which he would eventually stop. of course IF he was been put into place)



So op here are the issues:

1, Is she really putting these guys into place? ... yeah she mentions you as the bf. but is she not also intising them at the same time?

2, Like everything in a relationship, what we accept becomes the norm. If you pay all the dates with a girl - that'll be the standard. In other words would you really be comfortable with this still going on in 6 months? Because what you put up with now will be the standard. Obviously you cant control who flirts with her. But, the issue is beyond that.


What you need to find out is if she is intising these guys.
I know you said your gf isnt on a social networking site. But we can use that as an example for a second. Many girls who are "in relationships" use sites that chatting is done to people you dont know (tagged, myspace etc) and they chat to other men. Starts out with messages, then msn, then phone number. And majority of them will turn around and say i got a boyfriend... but they never stop and say "thats too far"

you have to find out weather she is intising and playing "oh but im in a relationship" spiel ... or maybe she is just shy/doesnt want to be too forward to put guys into place. Or the 3rd option is she is just taking it as a ego boost a bit too far. Guys ringing her late, constantly flirting with her ... thats taking a confidence booster too far.

LegacyUser

I don't want people thinking I'm having the wool pulled over my eyes here. I certainly don't have her on a pedestal. I just see her for what she is; a really nice girl who I think gives guys the wrong impression by being overly friendly. Like I've said, I've known her for nine months now. In that time, apart from me, she only went on two dates. She's not a maneater at all. To be honest, she doesn't think she's even half as pretty as she is and genuinely doesn't realise when men are into her. She's been treated extremely badly by men similar to the cocky, arrogant ones who are after her now, and is actually pretty vulnerable.

She's definitely not on any social networking sites bar facebook. She just would have no interest. Her main interest in facebook is talking to the girls and putting up pictures from nights out. She's unbelievably open about it too; she's asked me to check her email before for her to see if she'd gotten something important and that's the account all her facebook stuff goes to.

Honestly, I'd say there's 7 or 8 men who regularly comment on her facebook (or on photos sayin how hot she is) and there's about four who call her at all hours. There was one time I sat beside her in a club when one guy who was clearly wasted sent fifteen texts in a row to her. She has an iphone and she was showing them to the girls and you can plainly see that she hadn't responded on iphones.

I think that she's too nice to tell them to actually feck off and just ignores it instead. Her friends tell me she's had this level of attention since she was in her late teens and she thinks it's normal to have lads harassing you like this.

It certainly isn't a deal breaker for me. I'm mad about the girl and she makes me very happy on a daily basis. This is just something that's bothering me a bit, not constantly though. I guess I need to tell her to just have the awkward exchange with these lads and tell them in no uncertain terms that it's inappropriate.

S23

Whether she knows it or not, or realises the extent of what she is doing, her behaviour is completely unacceptable.

I'll put it this way. If I woke up one morning and had missed calls from women in the middle of the night as well as various texts my missus would be straight onto me about who they were from and what they thought they were doing texting/calling me. Now I wouldn't have to be told to straighten these texters/callers out but she'd have every right to insist I do so and tell these people its not appropriate.

People do not send messages in the middle of the night or make calls at all hours totally unsolicited. Your gf is doing something somewhere along the line to encouarge this behaviour.

Like I said maybe she doesn't realise the extent of what shes doing but unless shes a total moron she probably does. As Izzy said above lads won't hit on you if you put up a red flag when they try it on. If they are given a big and clear stop sign then most will back off. You'll have the odd fool who keeps it up a bit longer but thats not the norm.

It could be that she knows exactly the power of her good looks. I hate to generalise but many men go a bit stupid over good looking girls. Shes leading men on for an ego boost and she thinks its alright and she can get away with it because shes very attractive and you don't want to rock the boat with her. Thats what it looks like from where I am standing.

You need to tell her that you think that these calls and texts in the night aren't on and its not normal behaviour. You've every right not to be comfortable with any of this.

S23

You replied while I was typing. Look you're making all sorts of excuses for this girl. You need to flat out ask her why 4 guys (4 ffs!) think its alright to repeatedly call her in the middle of the night.

As for the lads messaging her on facebook, is there anything inappropriate being said?

LegacyUser

It's not so much the content that's inappropriate. It's the frequency. Same few guys commenting on every status, every new picture. They do write that she looks gorgeous but it's not anything too sleazy. They comment more than her best friends do. She put one or two on limited profile recently I think, so they're less of a problem now.

If it's anyway relevant, a couple of these guys who call her have gotten really into doing coke in the last few months. She hasn't seen them at all during this period but from what her friends tell her, it's during these coke binges that all the calls come.

Look, I'm not gonna tell her to delete these people from FB or to block their numbers. I wouldn't be comfortable telling a girlfriend to do anything of the sort. Maybe before we got together, they were given the impression they'd a chance with her; I'm not privy to every exchange she's had with these guys! But I think the only thing she's done wrong now is that she's very passive about it and tends to just pretend it doesn't happen. I haven't told her how I feel about this yet.

Sound Bite

I disagree with the last few posts.

She's a good looking girl, she's going to get a lot of attention. She cannot control who texts her or rings her (unless she changes her number & why should she have to). I dont think she's encouraging them, she doesn't respond, they'll eventually get the message.

She's laughing at them, but is it really that big an issue that she needs to confront them, I dont think so.

Its not doing any harm & they'll eventually get tired and grow up. She was a model and knows most of these guys as a result of that, she may have to work with them in the future and making a big issue out a few silly calls and texts might cause difficulty and awkardness for her if she were to work with them again.

OP, she's with you and has given no indication that she wants to be with anyone else. AFAICS she's just being friendly. She could tell them their advances are unwelcome and make a big deal of of it but there's no need, they'll get the message.

Well, OP, you know her and we don't. I just find it hard to believe. Sure, she is open and she doesn't mind you reading her emails, but that doesn't mean she's not enjoying the ego boost from having all these men after her. She seems to have no problem telling you about all the attention/calls/texts she gets, nor showing her friends all the texts she gets. I would be very, very surprised if she wasn't loving it all.

I don't buy the 'too nice' to tell these guys to leave her alone theory. If that is the case, she needs to get her priorities straight. Having guys commenting on how hot she is in photos is not on. It's disrespectful to you. I'd be mortified if my boyfriend read comments from other men about me looking 'hot'. Men calling her at all hours? If she thinks this is normal, she needs to be set straight. I don't see why you need to talk to these men. I think you need to talk to your girlfriend. Attractive girls ALWAYS have men coming onto them. It's how they deal with it that matters.

S23

Sound Bite wrote: »

Its not doing any harm & they'll eventually get tired and grow up. She was a model and knows most of these guys as a result of that, she may have to work with them in the future and making a big issue out a few silly calls and texts might cause difficulty and awkardness for her if she were to work with them again.

Its not doing any harm? Its making her boyfriend uncomfortable is that not doing harm? What makes you so sure that they will get tired and grow up if she never gives them any reason to.

Also, because she may possibly work with these people in the future she should have to put up with inappropriate texts, calls and comments from these lads? I disagree with that 100%.

It's all way out of order and I don't buy for 1 second that there is nothing she could do to cut out 90% of it (at least) if she really wanted to.

It's not appropriate to text or call a person in the middle of the night (and I can guess at what people would want to chat about at that hour) if you know they are in a relationship. It's inappropriate to make remarks about how sexy or hot looking a person is in a picture when you know they are with someone else. Especially on facebook where you know the world and his mother can see what you are writing.

It's also inappropriate to not respect your partner enough to pull the people calling/texting/making remarks up on their behaviour and tell them to cut it out.

You can say 'who is she banging' all you want it still doesn't make her behaviour okay.

fungun

does she reply to these midnight texts/calls the next day? if so then she is kinda encouraging them. If she actually ignores them they will stop fairly quickly.

depends a bit on her past too - if she was a model and was out late at events a lot and people might text her saying 'wish you were here' then thats prob ok.....all depends on circumstances really. If she turns her phone off then thats prob ok.

People commenting on fb photos....hmm...well its hard for her to stop that in one way, so if i were her id set her privacy settings so only her girlfriends see these photos. Might be worth saying this bit to her

Sound Bite

So let me get this straight, people in relationships must not:-

1. Talk to member of the opposite sex when out - friendliness & polieteness must cease immediately.

2. Stop all incoming calls/text from the opposite sex - ignoring them is just simply not good enough.

3. Do not post any picture on FB to prevent idiots from commenting on them.

The OP has said she does not encourage these guys, she doesnt respond and she has make it clear she has a boyfriend.

I'd have a 3 male friends who would often text me at the end of a night out, all harmless, usually just saying you missed a good one, fancy meeting for breakfast the following day or something similiar. If they don't get a response they leave it until following morning... 2 of these guys have longterm girlfriends and none of the 3 of them have any interest in sleeping with me at all whatsoever. We've just always done this. Think its stems from college where if we were all out seperately, we'd text at the end of the night to see where the party was at. I'd do the same. Its harmless and means nothing. None of my boyfriends have ever had an issue with this & neither have their girlfriends.

The OP has clearly said she doesnt encourage it. The problem is not her, the problem is his insecurity.

She is with him because she wants to be. She has plenty of other options but clearly they don't interest her. He need to take confidence from this fact.

S23

Did I say any of that.

I never said don't talk to the opposite sex. I never said anything that even suggest anything slightly like that but don't let the facts of the matter get in the way of your posting.

I'm not saying she should stop all incoming calls or texts. I think she should ask the 4 (count them) lads that make a habit of ringing her in the middle of the night to knock it on the head. Ignoring them clearly isn't working and it's making her boyfriend uncomfortable. I don't think its too much to ask. If she doesn't want these calls then she should tell them as much.

She can post anything she wants on FB. However, again, if she feel the remarks being made are inappropriate then she should say so. Shes more than entitled to tell these lads she doesn't appreciate the remarks.

I think the thing is, though, that shes lapping all the attention up and hasn't told them to stop because she doesn't want them to.

It wouldn't be hard for her to do something about it and show her boyfriend the respect he is due but shes not doing it.

Sound Bite

Obviously I exaggerated the contents of your post to make a point. (sorry if you think I did so unfairly).

I guess we just have a difference of opinion. I would hate to have to tell someone not to text me late at night because my boyfriend didnt like it or similarly with comments on facebook. If the comments/calls/texts were offensive or vulgar I'd address it myself but if they are just harmless rubbish why make an issue of it.

I dont think these things are big enough to make a big deal of & I'd think the OP would come across as possessive, controlling, insecure, immature and many more if he turned this into a big deal....

IMO anyway.:)

Sound Bite

Sound Bite wrote: »

Obviously I exaggerated the contents of your post to make a point. (sorry if you think I did so unfairly).

I guess we just have a difference of opinion. I would hate to have to tell someone not to text me late at night because my boyfriend didnt like it or similarly with comments on facebook. If the comments/calls/texts were offensive or vulgar I'd address it myself but if they are just harmless rubbish why make an issue of it.

I dont think these things are big enough to make a big deal of & I'd think the OP would come across as possessive, controlling, insecure, immature and many more if he turned this into a big deal....

IMO anyway.:)

You're missing the whole point. They're not harmless mate texts. They're from men who are blatantly telling his girlfriend she looks hot and making inappropriate comments. They're commenting on Facebook pics that she looks hot for all to see. The guy knows they're all after his girlfriend. That's just not acceptable. I think it's a huge deal. I have loads of male friends, but there are boundaries that shouldn't get crossed. If I'm on FB chat and someone starts getting flirty, I said I'm going to bed and sign off. They get the message, they don't do it again. People do not just keep sending unsolicited texts and messages for no reason.

Sound Bite

My final thoughts on the matter. She is doing nothing wrong. The men that are contacting her are obviously disrespectful of her & her relationship but I dont see how this is her fault.

IMO the OPs lack of confidence is the main issue.

whatsamsn

theres always someone ... :rolleyes:

Sound Bite, you couldnt be more off.
What Jayce Little Transition said is 100% true.

Fact remains, if in a relationship and other people are blatantly coming onto your partner - you as a partner are perfectly right to feel uncomfortable. It isnt "lack of coinfidence" ...

pretty much what you are saying is that it would be perfectly ok for a guy to chat up my girl at the busstop. while even tho she could say "he is my boyfriend" - i would have "lack of coinfidence" if i didnt just accept it?

Sound Bite

We could debate this all evening but there is no point going round in circles. I just see it from a different perspective. I think a person should be secure enough in themselves and their relationship to realise that even if a 1000 people hit on their partner it will make no difference.

The OPs partner is with him because she wants to & will leave him if she wants to leave him, not because someone random decides to flirt with her.

In my opinion, and apparently just my opinion, the OP needs to address his jealous & insecurity if he want to remain with this girl. I'm not trying to change anyone else's opinion but I am entitled to mine.

angelxx

Sound Bite wrote: »

We could debate this all evening but there is no point going round in circles. I just see it from a different perspective. I think a person should be secure enough in themselves and their relationship to realise that even if a 1000 people hit on their partner it will make no difference.

The OPs partner is with him because she wants to & will leave him if she wants to leave him, not because someone random decides to flirt with her.

In my opinion, and apparently just my opinion, the OP needs to address his jealous & insecurity if he want to remain with this girl. I'm not trying to change anyone else's opinion but I am entitled to mine.

Have to agree with sound bite, OP you seem certain your girlfriend is not encouraging these men and the texts are harmless, You need to remember she is with you not them.
I've been with someone who was very jealous and it escalated until he began to resent me spending time with friends and we broke up because of it. It was totally avoidable. Unless she has given you cause to feel jealous put it to one side and continue with your relationship. It shouldn't impact your relationship if she gets a lot of attention. Hope it all works OP!

keane2097

This thread is a train wreck.

OP, it sounds like you have got yourself a very nice, sweet girlfriend.

Everything you have said about her suggests that she is completely open with you about the antics of these guys. She is happy enough for you to see her text messages, email etc so I think you can be extremely confident that you have nothing to worry about with her from a fidelity point of view.

Several posters here seem to think that your GF is behaving reprehensibly by not forcefully and curtly admonishing these guys for their behaviour. It seems very clear from your posts that she is just a pleasant person who would prefer to avoid confrontation. If this is an accurate description of her, as it seems to be, then it really is no surprise at all how she's attempting to deal with this situation.

There are two main issues at play here that have gotten lost amidst the witchhunt. They are:

1. Your insecurity.
2. Communication problems between you and your girlfriend.

For 1, tbh there may not be much you can do about this. You're obv mad about your GF and wouldn't want to lose her or change her for anything else. The problem is, you're not so convinced, whether consciously or not, that she feels the same way about you. You're worried that she could do "better" and that every time one of these model lads comes chatting her up that she's getting one step closer to finding the upgrade that will leave you discarded.

The happy reality is this is unlikely to be the case. There is clearly some intangible - at least to you yourself - feature or attribute that puts you ahead of these other guys. You need to try to accept that even if you can't understand it. Let it swell your chest just a bit to know that there is some indefinable x-factor that this stunning girls desires above all else, and while none of these handsome, cocky guys can figure it out, you've already got it. And you've also got the girl.

Take pride in that, and don't be afraid to have a little ego about it, at least in your own head, because it's a cool thing you've got going on for yourself.

For problem 2, the issue is that you don't tell your GF how you feel. It's actually cool that she tells you what sort of correspondences she's had during the night, as again it shows she's very open with you.

It's also obv good that she's very dismissive of these guys. She laughs about it, and in telling you is probably expecting you to share the joke. She obv doesn't know it makes you feel insecure.

Tbh, my advice would be to work as hard as you can on problem number 1, because if you do manage to get to the point where you feel comfortable in your skin and can see the value she gets out of you, then 2 will sort of disappear as you will begin to share the joke with her.

tl;dr: Cool girlfriend, maybe a touch too nice, cool boyfriend but just doesn't know it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP
I was in a similar position to you years ago.
I went out with an extremely good looking guy. He was also very cool, so as well as girls hitting on him, a lot of straight guys wanted to get to know him and were always coming up chatting to him.

It drove me mad. It was like going out with a celebrity. I was so insecure and quiet at the time that I couldnt handle it. His female acquaintances would come up and hug him (always drunk) on nights out, even with me there.

One time i was sitting at a table with my boyfriend and his mate and while my boyfriend went to the toilet some drink promotions girl came up to my mate and slipped him a piece of paper and said something to him. When my boyfriend came back from the toilet, his mate told him the girl had asked him to give her number to my boyfriend! I got upset because obviously the girl didnt even consider that I was his girlfriend.

I felt invisible. I was always asking myself, "why was he going out with me". I was needy and insecure and jealous of all this attention. Years later I realise why he was going out with me. I was a pretty fine catch. I had loads going for me, I just didnt realise it at the time. My insecurity (among other things) drove him away. Just be careful that your insecurity doesnt do the same thing.

It genuinely looks like your girlfriend is polite and pleasant and doesnt want to make a fuss about these stupid "stalkers". If she is as nice and considerate as you say she is, then I see no problem you telling her that the late night calls are making you feel uncomfortable. She will probably not want you to feel this way and will politely put a stop to all this.

Good luck OP and work on believing in yourself!