My Daughter doesnt want to see her Dad and I dont know what to do...

hippy_hi

I have a 4 years old daughter and she never wants to see her Dad or talk to him on the phone, even though when she is at his house she chats away to me and she might only be gone 24 hours when I ring her. She always tells me that she doesnt want to go to his house the next time because he slaps her on 'my ass when I am bold' or if she wets herself (which doesnt really happen that much anymore). Anyway, he is always texting me eiher abusing me or putting me down, which I dont respond to. One example would be that I am telling her not to talk to him but I would never influence her like that. The most important thing to me is her happiness and having a stable upbringing to look back on. Should I send her when it is his weekend to have her or allow her to make the choices at such a young age? My beliefs are that I think she should know her father as he is her father and even though we had our BIG differences she still needs to know who he is and therefore this does not give me the right to take the child away from him. On the other hand if she doesnt want to go my heart is aching. The last time she went she cried and wouldnt go out to him. Maybe it is because she has all of her friends here or maybe she feels like she needs to choose between us as parents. I dont know, im at a loss and really confused.

Any suggestions would really help as im worn out trying to do the best for her and constantly getting slapped in the face from him (not litterly).

Thanks in advance

Kimia

Em, I'd be seriously concerned that my daughter was trying to tell me something tbh. I don't really know what else to say but it sounds a million miles away from a stable childhood. Sorry Op, that I couldn't be more helpful.

ash23

Do you have actual concerns that she is being abused?

Do you think she is any sort of danger?

Do you trust him to take care of her?

If you don't think she is being mistreated, then you must encourage her to go.
She's 4, she does as she is told.

If she turned to you and said she didn't want to go to her minders, or in a few years she didn't want to go to school, what would you do? (provided you had no serious concerns for her wellbeing?). You'd make her go.

She may be bored at dads house. Some people aren't great with entertaining kids. My daughter was the same and I had a chat with ex about it and he asked for some ideas of things to do with her.
I understand you might not be able to broach it with him but so long as it's not about her being in danger or being abused, then you need to keep sending her.

Edited to add....my daughters main concern was for me, that I would be lonely without her or that I'd be on my own when she was at her dads. I used to tell her I had plans to go to a friends or to go out or to the cinema (even if I was just staying in alone). She seemed happier about going when she knew I had plans. She was 5 at the time. She's 7 now and there's not a bother on her heading to her dads. She doesn't even care whether I have plans or not now

mojesius

Kimia wrote: »

Em, I'd be seriously concerned that my daughter was trying to tell me something tbh.

I completely agree. You cannot allow your daughter to be placed in someone else's care if you suspect something is wrong, even if it is her father. Your daughter told you that she doesn't want to go because her father slapped her and the idea of it makes her visibily upset, according to you. You should take action right now before she stops talking to you about this, when she learns to accept that going to see him is inevitable.

I think a child's safety and well-being is more important than worrying if they're learning the wrong lessons by getting their own way from an early age. She's crying for a reason. You said her father is verbally abusive to you too -from an outsider, the signs aren't good. He should be doing everything to see his daughter and her well-being should be his top priority, and discussing why she doesn't like going to see him, not selfishly pointing the finger at you.

On a personal note, my parents split up when I was very young, I couldn't wait to see my dad and the thoughts of it made me really happy. A friend of mine was in the exact same position, only she used to cry when he'd pick her up from school. Years later, she told a counsellor his new gf was smacking her around. You're lucky you can do something about this now.

Listen to your daughter and seek professional advice on this situation, there's far less harm in being careful than not. I hope it works out.

ash23

mojesius wrote: »

I completely agree. You cannot allow your daughter to be placed in someone else's care if you suspect something is wrong, even if it is her father. Your daughter told you that she doesn't want to go because her father slapped her and the idea of it makes her visibily upset, according to you. You should take action right now before she stops talking to you about this, when she learns to accept that going to see him is inevitable.

I think a child's safety and well-being is more important than worrying if they're learning the wrong lessons by getting their own way from an early age. She's crying for a reason. You said her father is verbally abusive to you too -from an outsider, the signs aren't good. He should be doing everything to see his daughter and her well-being should be his top priority, and discussing why she doesn't like going to see him, not selfishly pointing the finger at you.

On a personal note, my parents split up when I was very young, I couldn't wait to see my dad and the thoughts of it made me really happy. A friend of mine was in the exact same position, only she used to cry when he'd pick her up from school. Years later, she told a counsellor his new gf was smacking her around. You're lucky you can do something about this now.

Listen to your daughter and seek professional advice on this situation, there's far less harm in being careful than not. I hope it works out.

OP has not indicated any fear for the well being of the child in terms of abuse from the father. She has not indicated whether or not she smacks the child as a form of discipline or whether she agrees/disagrees with him using smacking as discipline. As for there being far less harm in being careful than not, taking a child away from a parent because the child cries at the thought of going, is not right and keeping a child away from a parent can cause a huge amount of damage.
If we took every child in Ireland off parents who smacked, social services would collapse under the strain.

LegacyUser

Mirroring everyone else too, OP. You need to see if everything is face value - she might be telling you something about her dad. Was he ever abusive to you?

seamus

My advice would be to get a counselor involved, two if necessary - one to sort out the relationship between you and your ex and salvage something civil out of it, and another one for the three of you to sit down with your daughter and discuss what's bothering her.

metrovelvet

How well does the child know her father? How long has she been seeing her dad?

mojesius

ash23 wrote: »

OP has not indicated any fear for the well being of the child in terms of abuse from the father. She has not indicated whether or not she smacks the child as a form of discipline or whether she agrees/disagrees with him using smacking as discipline. As for there being far less harm in being careful than not, taking a child away from a parent because the child cries at the thought of going, is not right and keeping a child away from a parent can cause a huge amount of damage.
If we took every child in Ireland off parents who smacked, social services would collapse under the strain.

Fair enough if the OP's concern is nothing to do with the fact that her daughter expressed her fear of her father's disciplinary methods. I'd be very concerned. Sure, taking a child away from a parent can be dangerous, perhaps in the long term, but far less dangerous than allowing this situation to manifest itself over a few years. I know each case is different, but my friend didn't speak to her father for 10 years when she reached an age where she realised his and his gf's behaviour were unacceptable.

There seems to communication issues involved here. Knocking it on the head right now would be a better situation for all parties involved, with the help of a professional mediator.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

If she turned to you and said she didn't want to go to her minders, or in a few years she didn't want to go to school, what would you do? (provided you had no serious concerns for her wellbeing?). You'd make her go.

I wouldn't. I'd get another minder.

I would have agreed with you until I changed playschool for my son. He hated his old playschool and cried all the way there. ANd everyone said to me, this is normal, yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, normal for six months? And I switched and absolutely not a stink out of him. Loves the place.

So, I learned my lesson about not listening.

Butterflylove

My sister was in a similar sitution as yourself

My niece decided herself that she wanted to stop going over to her dad's He threw abuse at my sister saying she wouldnt let her etc brain washing her when in fact she just didnt enjoy spending time with him?

She is now 13 and still has nothing to do with him, she made that choice herself my sister still gives her the option of getting in contact with him but as she says she's happy as she is, I think you should listen to what your daughter is saying? She doesnt want to go so dont make her?

Give her the option to go on day outs? How does be behave around her what do they spend their time doing together when she is over?

Maybe she just prefers the comfort of Home and beening with Mommy, If thats the case well then her Dad will need to make a big effort do things that she will enjoy doing with him 'their special thing together' my sister tried all this before she allow my niece to cut contact. Turns out they were just to different.

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

I wouldn't. I'd get another minder.

I would have agreed with you until I changed playschool for my son. He hated his old playschool and cried all the way there. ANd everyone said to me, this is normal, yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, normal for six months? And I switched and absolutely not a stink out of him. Loves the place.

So, I learned my lesson about not listening.

Op hasn't said how long this is going on for either. If my daughter was crying every day for 6 months then absolutely I'd look into it. But again, OP hasn't said this is going on for ages.
OP has also said the child is fine when at dads (when speaking on the phone).

I find it a bit amazing that so many people here are so quick to cut off the childs father with so little info from the OP.

LittleBook

Frankly he doesn't sound like a particularly pleasant person to spend time with.

LittleBook

ash23 wrote: »

I find it a bit amazing that so many people here are so quick to cut off the childs father with so little info from the OP.

To be honest, I don't think anyone's saying she should cut off the child's father Ash.

hippy_hi wrote: »

Maybe it is because she has all of her friends here or maybe she feels like she needs to choose between us as parents.

The OP seems to be wondering if it's a "normal" separated parents issue for the child or if there's something more to it than that ... and there does seem to be "more to it" to me.

Without meaning to get side-tracked on the corporal punishment issue, I personally wouldn't let my child anywhere near someone who slaps them and seems to have such malice towards me.

As regards the OPs case, I think people are simply confirming that they would be concerned too and that she should investigate the possibility that the issue is HIS rather than the child's.

ash23

LittleBook wrote: »

To be honest, I don't think anyone's saying she should cut off the child's father Ash.

It's reading that way though.

Absolutely the situation should be adressed. But the jump from the dad smacking her when bold to abuse and stopping access is an extreme one.

The issue should be broached with the dad (again, OP doesn't say if she has done this) and if he is approachable, a plan of action worked on.
If he is not approachable then she should get professional advice about the best way forward, seek mediation etc. while continuing with the agreed access.

The child is not happy about the prospect of going, but is happy while there. It may be as simple as separation anxiety but the dad is being painted as an abuser of his child.

It's not right at all.

seamus

LittleBook wrote: »

The OP seems to be wondering if it's a "normal" separated parents issue for the child or if there's something more to it than that ... and there does seem to be "more to it" to me.

It's very hard to say with these kinds of things. Children pick up on more things than we think they do. Take this hypothetical scenario: The OP is having a conversation with a friend/sibling about the ex and the child is in the room. A throwaway comment is made along the lines of, "Oh yeah, if I found out for a second that he hit her, he'd never see her again". Fast-forward 6 months and the child (for whatever reason) would prefer to stay with her Mum, so she concots a story about having been hit by the Dad, because she knows that is a surefire way of staying at home.

I'm not saying that the child *isn't* in danger or that children should not be listened to, but they should certainly not be taken as gospel, and where a child does make serious allegations against another parent, you should always get the other parent and a professional third party involved to establish what's going on.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

Op hasn't said how long this is going on for either. If my daughter was crying every day for 6 months then absolutely I'd look into it. But again, OP hasn't said this is going on for ages.
OP has also said the child is fine when at dads (when speaking on the phone).

I find it a bit amazing that so many people here are so quick to cut off the childs father with so little info from the OP.

I think there isn't enough information to really make any kind of informed comment on it.

There's no context given for the relationship with the child. How long has she been visiting? How long has he been separated from the family? Etc etc.

It could be seperation anxiety. It could be the child feels as if she is forced to choose or she is being disloyal/ Or she may just not like her father. Could be as basic as chemisty.

I think the dad she be talked to and maybe he has to do a lot more courting of his daughter and make her want to come.

And where did she pick up "slap me on my ASS?"

metrovelvet

seamus wrote: »

It's very hard to say with these kinds of things. Children pick up on more things than we think they do. Take this hypothetical scenario: The OP is having a conversation with a friend/sibling about the ex and the child is in the room. A throwaway comment is made along the lines of, "Oh yeah, if I found out for a second that he hit her, he'd never see her again". Fast-forward 6 months and the child (for whatever reason) would prefer to stay with her Mum, so she concots a story about having been hit by the Dad, because she knows that is a surefire way of staying at home.

I'm not saying that the child *isn't* in danger or that children should not be listened to, but they should certainly not be taken as gospel, and where a child does make serious allegations against another parent, you should always get the other parent and a professional third party involved to establish what's going on.

The girl hasnt made any allegations though. But if she is that uncomfortable or unhappy at her dad's she might eventually make an allegation, even if fictional, in order to get listened to.

seamus

metrovelvet wrote: »

The girl hasnt made any allegations though. But if she is that uncomfortable or unhappy at her dad's she might eventually make an allegation, even if fictional, in order to get listened to.

Well the child has claimed that she's being smacked. A cardinal sin in this day and age.

OS119

seamus wrote: »

Well the child has claimed that she's being smacked. A cardinal sin in this day and age.

somewhat divergant, but still important - smacked for running out into the road or playing with matches is one thing, smacked for 'being bold' (whatever the fcuk that means in a four year old) and for wetting the bed is quite something else.

OP, my concerns would focus on the trivial nature of the 'offences' that your ex blows a fuse at, and the hostility that he's giving out towards you.

personally i'd not be comfortable were my kid in this situation - my initial reaction (after going mental) would be to see if the access arangements could be altered so that he saw the child in a more structured/supervised environment like, for instance, his parents house - but i'd be talking to all the other adults who had contact with her to see if they had picked up anything, and if the answer was yes, or the idea of 'supervising' his access weekends didn't work, i'd be looking to go down a more formal route.

he may just be crap with kids and need a bit of education, but it might be less benign than that, and i take my responsibility to safeguard my child from harm more seriously than i take the rights of others.

metrovelvet

seamus wrote: »

Well the child has claimed that she's being smacked. A cardinal sin in this day and age.

I realise I come from another era, where wooden spoons, hairbrushes, belts and the back of the hand were far from rare, but I think a smack on the bum does not warrant stopping access, unless the relationship is far more uncle or good friend like or even stranger like.

Again, we don't have enough detail here.

In the bigger picture, isn't it far more important that the child has a sense of her father's presence in her life?

hippy_hi

ash23 wrote: »

Do you have actual concerns that she is being abused?

Do you think she is any sort of danger?

Do you trust him to take care of her?

Edited to add....my daughters main concern was for me, that I would be lonely without her or that I'd be on my own when she was at her dads. I used to tell her I had plans to go to a friends or to go out or to the cinema (even if I was just staying in alone). She seemed happier about going when she knew I had plans. She was 5 at the time. She's 7 now and there's not a bother on her heading to her dads. She doesn't even care whether I have plans or not now

Actual concerns??? Im concernd about his method of disipline but actual concerns Id have to say no as he is the childs father and no matter what I know he loves her. I think his methods as very forceful and wants everything done right and NOW and maybe this is being passed onto my child. I actually think he doesnt know any better...we went to a parenting course when we were together as our views were so different and he didnt complete it as he thinks his ways are the best and only way.

Thanks for that personal comment about how your ouw daughter was concerned for your well-being as when my daughter is aay she always asks me if I miss her and again as soon as I see her. Maybe by me showing her how much I miss her is putting a strain on her feelings about being torn away from me towards her dad and it could (hopefuly) be something as simple as that.

She sees her dad every third weekend as he doesnt live in the same county and we are seperated for 3 years now. I cant say what is top priority for him as he can see his child whenever he wishes for a day etc but he never asks me. Supervied access in his parents wouldn't happen as he doesn't really talk to his parents too much himself. Its hard when he moves her to another county also as I really dont know what is going on with regard to my child. When we were together he used to have the odd joint so for all I know it may be more that odd now. That is just presumption but it may be the cause of his abusive texts - paranoia etc.

Thank you all for your opinions, its nice to get others opinions about that.

gossipgal08

Op my parents split up when I was 5. I never got upset when going to my Dads. Your child is telling you something and you need to listen. I could be something as simple as her father not being good at entertaining her.

coolcat63

Has your daughter any marks on her body after a visit? That would have to mean an automatic cessation of visits (I guess). Can you talk to any of her father's family; sisters, mum, aunts to ask them how he is with her and she with him. Was he a good dad prior to the split?

metrovelvet

hippy_hi wrote: »

Actual concerns??? Im concernd about his method of disipline but actual concerns Id have to say no as he is the childs father and no matter what I know he loves her. I think his methods as very forceful and wants everything done right and NOW and maybe this is being passed onto my child. I actually think he doesnt know any better...we went to a parenting course when we were together as our views were so different and he didnt complete it as he thinks his ways are the best and only way.

Thanks for that personal comment about how your ouw daughter was concerned for your well-being as when my daughter is aay she always asks me if I miss her and again as soon as I see her. Maybe by me showing her how much I miss her is putting a strain on her feelings about being torn away from me towards her dad and it could (hopefuly) be something as simple as that.

She sees her dad every third weekend as he doesnt live in the same county and we are seperated for 3 years now. I cant say what is top priority for him as he can see his child whenever he wishes for a day etc but he never asks me. Supervied access in his parents wouldn't happen as he doesn't really talk to his parents too much himself. Its hard when he moves her to another county also as I really dont know what is going on with regard to my child. When we were together he used to have the odd joint so for all I know it may be more that odd now. That is just presumption but it may be the cause of his abusive texts - paranoia etc.

Thank you all for your opinions, its nice to get others opinions about that.

Ok so you split when she was a year old and he has seen her once every third weekend since then?

I had four good solid years with my dad before the divorce and I never didnt want to see him, and that's even with the rather drastic discipline tactics that took place. And he would take me for entire summers out of the country and I never had any resistance to it. And I think its because the bond was there before the age of four. We had a bond so it didnt really matter. If that's not there, then these things matter to a child.

I don't know what kind of bond will be there with once every third weekend.

StillWaters

My experience is the very same as Ash. My child was reluctant to go to her dads, and moaned about her time there. After many chats it emerged she was worried about me being lonely and missing her. It broke my heart she felt such responsibility for my happiness.

I assured her it was good for me to have time not being a mammy, and I wanted her to have fun at her dads and not miss me.

5 years on, and she loves going to her dads.

One thing that helped was getting her a kiddie mobile phone. Under normal circumstances 4 is way too young, but in instances like this it can really help, when she feels she can phone you at any stage.

ash23

StillWaters wrote: »

My experience is the very same as Ash. My child was reluctant to go to her dads, and moaned about her time there. After many chats it emerged she was worried about me being lonely and missing her. It broke my heart she felt such responsibility for my happiness.

I assured her it was good for me to have time not being a mammy, and I wanted her to have fun at her dads and not miss me.

5 years on, and she loves going to her dads.

One thing that helped was getting her a kiddie mobile phone. Under normal circumstances 4 is way too young, but in instances like this it can really help, when she feels she can phone you at any stage.

On the mobile phone thing, we also got the child a mobile phone. It had dads number and my number and that was it. It was left somewhere in the house and she knew where, same as with dads house, but she wasn't allowed to bring it out of the house. It reassured her that she could talk to him anytime or to me anytime she was with him, without having to feel guilty. She actually never ever used it but I think knowing it was there helped her.

hippy_hi

seamus wrote: »

My advice would be to get a counselor involved, two if necessary - one to sort out the relationship between you and your ex and salvage something civil out of it, and another one for the three of you to sit down with your daughter and discuss what's bothering her.

In theory that is a brll idea and I am willing to try anything...so now where do I start? If I was to get a mediator or councellor involved does anybody know where to go?
Mobile phone for a young child I would usually be very against it but it sounds good, the parental phone only of course. If I however told the dad that it wasnt to be brought outside incase she broke it etc. he would make it his business to let her bring it outside!
He is very hard to deal with, when she doesnt talk to him on the phone I get abuse as there I am on the end of the line saying to her 'talk to your daddy hun' because when she doesnt talk to him or if I dont answer the phone it ends in abuse telling me that I am a useless parent cos he can hear her raising her voice saying no or throwing the phone onto the floor. So his abuse is aimed at my parental skills about how I allow her to act in such a manner and if I dont answer at all then I am stopping her speaking to him. I am hardly going to give out to her with him listening and then voicing his opinion 2 mins later by text, no matter what I say or do his opinion is always voiced towards me. All I want is a peaceful life and to try to keep the peace so im asking my child to talk to someone she doesnt want to to keep from being abused. That makes me feel **** because I treat my child with respect and rather than shouting at her I talk her through things and if she doesnt do as she is told then she is sent into her room, and once her time is up then she must do whatever I asked like for example bring her plate up to the sink, clean up a spill or just usual day to day things. In reality I am a very good mother and class her as my top priority, I dont give her everything she wants but do give her everything she needs.
When she comes back from his house is takes days to get her back into a routine and she shouts and can be more agressive towards others including her friends her own age. Im sure other people in a simular situation would probably say the same about how the child's routine can be affected.
Was talking to a friend today who suggested I need to toughen up, constantly being abused by him and not answring back, that I should take control of the situation by not allowing him to text me like the way he is and say that he wouldn't have the child if that continues. All I would get back is how I would be using my child as a pawn and that once again how bad I am etc etc. There is always an answer from him! He can be quite manipulative

Im still very confused but for the moment. I am going to see how she reacts if I dont answer that yes I will miss her when she is gone but rather something like...'I am busy with my friends this weekend so I am going to have a good time and you are going to have fun at your dads too'. Whats your opinions on that??? And then see if there is any changes thereafter!!!

ash23

hippy_hi wrote: »

In theory that is a brll idea and I am willing to try anything...so now where do I start? If I was to get a mediator or councellor involved does anybody know where to go?

I went to our local family resource center and was referred from there to the local community group where my daughter was signed up for a few one on one counselling sessions and also for Rainbows which is a group counselling course for kids dealing with the loss of a parent, either through death or separation.
See http://www.rainbowsireland.com/

Mobile phone for a young child I would usually be very against it but it sounds good, the parental phone only of course. If I however told the dad that it wasnt to be brought outside incase she broke it etc. he would make it his business to let her bring it outside!

Don't assume the worst of him. Just tell him she's having a bit of separation anxiety, she has a phone in her bag but you'd prefer she doesn't take it out of the house as you don't want her thinking she has a mobile phone. With my daughter I told her it wasn't "her" phone. It was mine and she was allowed to use it if she needed to. I didn't want my 5 year old thinking she had a mobile!

He is very hard to deal with, when she doesnt talk to him on the phone I get abuse as there I am on the end of the line saying to her 'talk to your daddy hun' because when she doesnt talk to him or if I dont answer the phone it ends in abuse telling me that I am a useless parent cos he can hear her raising her voice saying no or throwing the phone onto the floor. So his abuse is aimed at my parental skills about how I allow her to act in such a manner and if I dont answer at all then I am stopping her speaking to him.

Simply say "she doesn't want to talk right now. I'll ring you back later when she does. If he gets verbally abusive say "i'm not listening to this" and hang up. Continue to do this an eventually he'll realise he can't speak to you that way. No way would I let someone speak to me like that.

All I want is a peaceful life and to try to keep the peace so im asking my child to talk to someone she doesnt want to to keep from being abused.

I think you need to focus on the positive rather than the negative tbh. Don't ask your daughter to speak to him. Hype it up for her through the day. Put it into her routine. During the day say things like "oh at 6pm we're going to ring daddy to say hello. I wonder what daddy has been doing today at work. You can tell daddy about x,y,z when we ring him later". Make it exciting and nice for her. It might sicken you to do it but it's for her sake. And in time, you won't have to do that. You won't have to hype him up for her. But for now as the custodial parent you have to make talking to daddy and going to daddys house a GOOD thing. Like if she was going to the zoo, you'd tell her when and you'd count down the days for her. She'll be excited about going then rather than things being like they are now.
These things take time and he is probably thinking that you are making it up. It's hard but I know my ex went through the same. Because I was telling him the child was upset and then she'd be in his house and there wouldn't be a bother on her so he thought I was exagerrating or making things up. And then I'd get angry and the cycle would continue. Someone has to be the bigger person and break that cycle.

That makes me feel **** because I treat my child with respect and rather than shouting at her I talk her through things and if she doesnt do as she is told then she is sent into her room, and once her time is up then she must do whatever I asked like for example bring her plate up to the sink, clean up a spill or just usual day to day things. In reality I am a very good mother and class her as my top priority, I dont give her everything she wants but do give her everything she needs.

Then what does it matter what he says? Like you, I know I'm a good mother. I had to learn to stop letting my ex get to me. Build a coat of armour and shrug off some stuff he used to say. Once he didn't get a reaction he stopped doing it and everything settled down. Again, one person has to break the cycle.

When she comes back from his house is takes days to get her back into a routine and she shouts and can be more agressive towards others including her friends her own age. Im sure other people in a simular situation would probably say the same about how the child's routine can be affected.

We went through this too. She'd come home and be a total brat. She was tired and out of sorts and I'd spend the weekend trying to get things back to normal.
Once things between me and him settled, this settled too. Kids pick up on everything and she may be just picking up on the tension and arguments between you two.

Was talking to a friend today who suggested I need to toughen up, constantly being abused by him and not answring back, that I should take control of the situation by not allowing him to text me like the way he is and say that he wouldn't have the child if that continues. All I would get back is how I would be using my child as a pawn and that once again how bad I am etc etc. There is always an answer from him! He can be quite manipulative

I agree with the first part. But no no NO to the second. You will be no better than him if you start with the threats.
Don't take his crap but do it passively, without fighting him. You have to learn to let some things go, for your own sake. Open his text and if it's a rant, delete it. Answer his calls, if he rants tell him you'll talk to him when he's calm and hang up. Don't take abuse but don't give it. Believe me, you'll feel empowered and above all, calmer. If you fight back its continuing the cycle and you know it's not working. It's affecting you, him and your daughter.
Be strong, don't let him abuse you. But don't keep him from his child. it would be very wrong to use the child against him.

Im still very confused but for the moment. I am going to see how she reacts if I dont answer that yes I will miss her when she is gone but rather something like...'I am busy with my friends this weekend so I am going to have a good time and you are going to have fun at your dads too'. Whats your opinions on that??? And then see if there is any changes thereafter!!!

It takes time by the way. Shouldn't take LOADS of time, but it took my daughter a few months for things to settle.
Try this approach, make her excited about going. If you can (without him going off on one) ask him what he'll be doing with her (explain why you want to know) and then tell her that "oh my goodness, daddy just told me he's taking you to the playground on saturday. You lucky duck!".
Over time this stuff will become second nature to you.

I was probably quite negative initially about my daughter going to her dads and I didn't realise it. But now I treat it like a good thing and in turn she gets excited about going and enjoys it. Sadly, we have a huge affect on our kids and we can plant seeds without even realising it, by being negative.
We do it for the dentist, the doctor, the gardai etc. Some parents who hated school do it about school too. The way we feel about something directly impacts on the view our children have of it.

By being positive about daddys house, I've completely changed my daughters attitude to it too.

hippy_hi

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you...It is so nice to get a response from everyone on this matter but to you ash who has gone through the same situation it really means alot to me and the advice is straight and to the point. I'll become more aware of how I come across and my vibes being sent out to my daughter and hope for a positive future for her.

Ill keep ye posted over the next few months.

hippy_hi

Just a quick reply to let you know that 2 years on and everything has changed.

I noticed once I changed my attitude towards her dad that things began to alter. I started it by pretending to answer the pnone before I actually did by pressing the silent button and saying 'hi how are you? Yes your daughter is here, ill put her onto you now' and then answering it. I could see that she was wondering what i was doing and taking it all in, from there she began to talk to him even just a little on the phone. Even now she can go a week or two and still not want to talk to him but its her choice and both her father and myself have a more positive relationship so the abuse is very rare if ever present.

I suppose it depends on what is going on other then the parent/child issue whether I get abused or not. I think its easier for someone to abuse their ex then another person in their own life eh! Its an easy target.

It was a hard time to go through and I really apreciate everyone's support and advice, hopefully this will be helpful to another parent in times to come.

Ham Sambo

Kids are a great judge of character, your daughter on more than one occasion has told you that this guy hits her, I think that says it all, if it was my daughter I would not let her go to this man again.

thanks for the update OP

i will lock this thread now, if you need further advice PM any PI mod and we will re open

best of luck