Wedding gifts not given, what to do?

irishlady29

Looking for a bit of advice here....

Got married last April, all went fantastic, great food, music and craic!

We're just organising our Thank You cards but unsure what to do for people that did not give a gift.

We have heard through the grapevine that those guests have not forgotten but just haven't given one.

What would one do in this situation?

(By the way all these people have secure jobs and a steady income)

iii Stevo iii

Don't invite them to your next wedding?

hshortt

'Thanks for attendance' maybe? That's a subtle enough hint.

johnayo

I would send them a little note explaining to them you are aware they did not give a present. And also explain that in your opinion, they are miserable Bastards.

beagle001

If you invite somebody for dinner and drinks at your house do you expect them to bring you gifts each time.
Send them a thank you card for attending your wedding,this notion that every guest should give a cash donation or gift is going against all the reasons to invite someone to a wedding.
The occasion is about celebrating with the happy couple,its entirely up to the guest to bring a gift or choose not to.
Why did you invite them in the first place

super_furry

Leave it be. Any gesture or effort to embarass them into giving you a present would be petty and reflect poorly on you.

The Big Red Button

Presumably you invited them to the wedding because you wanted them to be there with you to celebrate. And they did so. You don't know their exact circumstances, you don't know why they didn't give you a present. Does it matter? The main thing is that they took the time and effort to be there for you on your wedding day.

By the way, you say that "all went fantastic, great food, music and craic!" Yup, same as any other wedding. They owe you nothing for that. Even without a present, chances are it cost them a fair bit just to attend. I'm sure they could've organised a much cheaper night of great food, music and craic if they had so wanted.

If I were you, I wouldn't send them a thank you card in case it made them feel bad, as though you were trying to get at them. But if you're going to hold a grudge over something so petty ... well, to be honest, I don't even know what to say about that. It's quite a bizarre attitude to have, in my own opinion.

beagle001

+1

The Davestator

chatterpillar wrote: »

Presumably you invited them to the wedding because you wanted them to be there with you to celebrate. And they did so. You don't know their exact circumstances, you don't know why they didn't give you a present. Does it matter? The main thing is that they took the time and effort to be there for you on your wedding day.

By the way, you say that "all went fantastic, great food, music and craic!" Yup, same as any other wedding. They owe you nothing for that. Even without a present, chances are it cost them a fair bit just to attend. I'm sure they could've organised a much cheaper night of great food, music and craic if they had so wanted.

If I were you, I wouldn't send them a thank you card in case it made them feel bad, as though you were trying to get at them. But if you're going to hold a grudge over something so petty ... well, to be honest, I don't even know what to say about that. It's quite a bizarre attitude to have, in my own opinion.

This is just populist nonsense IMO.

If you get invited to a wedding and you dont give a gift, you're a miserable git. Especially since the OP stated that they all work with steady income.

If you get invited to a dinner party, you bring wine etc so I dont buy the notion that its perfectly fine not to give a gift.

suzieled

The Davestator wrote: »

This is just populist nonsense IMO.

If you get invited to a wedding and you dont give a gift, you're a miserable git. Especially since the OP stated that they all work with steady income.

If you get invited to a dinner party, you bring wine etc so I dont buy the notion that its perfectly fine not to give a gift.

I completely agree with you.

Zulu

They are miserable gits, no doubt. However...

It's what you do that reflects on you. If you choose to "embarass" them, I think you're making a huge mistake personally: you'll look like a scabby git yourself, who's more interested in material things.

I'd suggest sending out thank you cards to those who sent presents. (ie: thank you for the present) and ignore those that didn't.

Also, it's worth noting that some people can be slow at giving over presents - particularly if they don't see you too often.

peggie

steady job and income does not equal having money to buy gifts,

i have a very good job but am absolutely broke at the moment. i was bridesmaid recently and with both hens abroad and in ireland, days off work, tan, beauty stuff, underwear to wear under the dress i was down to little left over for household budget. i gave money but not a lot as i didn't have it- i truly hope my bride doesn't have the same attitude as you and look down on how little i gave her as to be honest i will be doing without having given it to her.

it is expensive to go to weddings so maybe they chose their presence rather than present- pity you would have preferred the latter,
a card to thank them for coming and how much you enjoyed seeing them there may be the polite thing to do
peg

bette

The Davestator wrote: »

This is just populist nonsense IMO.

If you get invited to a wedding and you dont give a gift, you're a miserable git. Especially since the OP stated that they all work with steady income.

If you get invited to a dinner party, you bring wine etc so I dont buy the notion that its perfectly fine not to give a gift.

I was invited to two weddings and I politely declined the invitations. I was egged on to go which eventually I did unwillingly. That is another point of view! As for presents, no I do not see that as an obligation. A marriage is not a business arrangement and if you chose to invite people you should do so for the pleasure of their company.

Beruthiel

irishlady29 wrote: »

(By the way all these people have secure jobs and a steady income)

Did you invite them to your wedding because you really wanted them there to celebrate your big day, or did you just want presents?

I'm telling everyone who comes to my wedding that I do not want presents.
They will need money to get to the venue and for a room. That imo, is more than enough expense.

We're just organising our Thank You cards but unsure what to do for people that did not give a gift.

Nothing.
There is no need to send them anything.

Dacelonid

The Davestator wrote: »

This is just populist nonsense IMO.

If you get invited to a wedding and you dont give a gift, you're a miserable git. Especially since the OP stated that they all work with steady income.

I'm sorry but this materialistic thinking is just wrong and sad, and I would expect to hear it from a 10 year old not an adult on an internet forum.

Who cares if they gave a present or not. Were they there to celebrate the OP's wedding? Did the OP enjoy their company? Was the OP happy that they could turn up? Did the OP think their wedding was better for them having attended? If yes, then send them a thank you card and say you really appreciated them making the effort to attend your wedding and thnka them for making your day really special.

A gift is just that, a gift, not an obligation

Malari

Zulu wrote: »

They are miserable gits, no doubt. However...

It's what you do that reflects on you. If you choose to "embarass" them, I think you're making a huge mistake personally: you'll look like a scabby git yourself, who's more interested in material things.

I'd suggest sending out thank you cards to those who sent presents. (ie: thank you for the present) and ignore those that didn't.

Also, it's worth noting that some people can be slow at giving over presents - particularly if they don't see you too often.

Absolutely agree. You invited these people to the wedding, you must have wanted their company. However, it's miserable not to bring a gift. At the same time, it's just rude to point that out to them.

A friend of ours is a total tight-wad and I know it kills him to fork out for anything...but at the same time, he's great fun and it doesn't stop me inviting him to dinner, etc.

Just accept they are a bit miserable and get over it. Wouldn't bother sending a card.

Cadyboo

Hi op, I think you should not them any card. I wouldnt waste the money on the stamp.
I agree and disagree to a lot of peoples points. I would not under any circumstances attend a wedding or party of any type for that matter, with my hands hanging. If you cant afford a gift, dont go to the wedding.

I know people say that its their company you want, and yes that is a fact for a lot of your guests, close friends and family, but some guests are actually friends of parents etc, and I think it is cheeky of them to arrive with nothing.

A card, a cheap photo frame, probably wont break the bank for a lot of people, its just the thought that counts.

Thumpette

God everyone on boards loves a good witch hunt dont they.

Maybe the OP edited the initial post but what I read is them questioning the correct ettiquette of sending a thank you card, and the wording of such when there is no 'generous gift' that people normally mention to thank for!

Ye people seem to have read that as her giving out about not having recieved a present - not asking the best responce now. I dont see anywhere her asking how best she can shame these people or anything of the such. She might be dissapointed alright that she didnt get a gift, especially since she percieves these people as being financially stable, but i think her post is being taken waaaaay out of context.

OP- for my tuppence worth I would still send them a thank you card, thanking them for sharing your special day. As others have said it is expence enough to go- and i dont see why they shouldnt be thanked for making it. Let them feel embarassed from that or not- thats not your concern!

artyeva

the way i read it, if the op wasn't irked in some way by these people not giving a gift then they wouldn't have made the point that these people ''...didn't simply forget, they just didn't give one, despite having secure jobs and steady incomes...'' :rolleyes:

in my opinion the post smacks of a child throwing their dummy out of the cot... a simple thank you card with ''thank you for celebrating our day with us'' would suffice. after all, these people would probably had to fork out a fair bit of money to attend the wedding anyway, and to infer that just because people have jobs they automatically have money is naiive and just plain selfish. do you invite people to your wedding to be there and share in your ''special'' day, or to get money out of them??? if it's to get presents, then more fool the people who actually take the time and expense to go. :mad:

Thumpette

Well of course she probably is irked. There might be some saintly selfless people on this board, but I believe the majority of people expect or at least hope for some sort of gift from at least some of their guests.

She did not bitch or moan about the person- she only wondered how she should proceed now

While it might be all very politically correct to say no-one cares about pressies, i dont think that reflects the honest feelings of most people.

I dont think the OP deserves anything of the crucifiction she is getting on this thread

artyeva

Thumpette wrote: »

Well of course she probably is irked. There might be some saintly selfless people on this board, but I believe the majority of people expect or at least hope for some sort of gift from at least some of their guests.

oh my god are you serious? you say ''saintly'' as if it's an insult :rolleyes: it's not saintly - it's selfless. it's reaslising that in the current economic climate that people may not have the money to lavish on a gift. it's inviting people to share in the experience of your wedding day - if i knew the people who had invited myself and my OH to their wedding were going to be b*tching behind our backs about what we did/didn't give them as a present then i'd be pretty damn sure we wouldn't be going. it's crass, selfish and ugly. for anyone to hold the idea that the majority of people out there are like that makes me sad.

Thumpette wrote: »

While it might be all very politically correct to say no-one cares about pressies, i dont think that reflects the honest feelings of most people.

politically correct? are you serious? do you realise how that reads?

Thumpette wrote: »

I dont think the OP deserves anything of the crucifiction she is getting on this thread

i don't disagree with you on this - maybe the op should come back and clarify. i personally can only go on the original post.

Thumpette

Ok- let me clarify

When I say people expect a present, I mean that it is likely that the majority of people who attend a wedding will give a present of some kind, whether this is 20 euro, 200 euro or a pound shop picture frame, the majority of people will make some effort to mark the occassion in the couple's life with some sort of token.

I do not mean that people demand a present, I completely disagree with any form of 'give us money' poem, gift list etc (though i have only once ever been presented with a gift list which had a range of gift prices and i actually found it a great help). I, and Im sure the OP invite the people we invite because we want them to spend our day with us, regardless of whether or not they will give a gift. In fact I'd say about 1/4 of our list plus kids will not be giving us anything, nor would I want anything if it meant people stretching themselves.

The simple fact remains however that giving a gift is the norm, rightly or wrongly, as is sending a thank you card after the event. I believe the OPs only question was how to deal with the etiquette of sending the thank you card without embarassing the guest.

soon2Bmrs

Zulu wrote: »

They are miserable gits, no doubt. However...

It's what you do that reflects on you. If you choose to "embarass" them, I think you're making a huge mistake personally: you'll look like a scabby git yourself, who's more interested in material things.

I'd suggest sending out thank you cards to those who sent presents. (ie: thank you for the present) and ignore those that didn't.

Also, it's worth noting that some people can be slow at giving over presents - particularly if they don't see you too often.

+1

Id thank the people for their presents and leave it at that.

artyeva

Thumpette wrote: »

When I say people expect a present, I mean that it is likely that the majority of people who attend a wedding will give a present of some kind

Thumpette wrote: »

I do not mean that people demand a present

Thumpette wrote: »

In fact I'd say about 1/4 of our list plus kids will not be giving us anything

how politically correct of you

whatdoicare

My wedding was the same, some very stingy people gave nothing - I'm not giving them a card, they ate my food, enjoyed my entertainment and drank my alcohol - they shouldn't have come if they couldn't afford it, I didn't demand anyone have fake tan or new outfits and I'm not wasting another penny on them.

Drives me mad reading about people that take the stance that they hate those couples that expect a present - Well, people who go to weddings as guests expect a printed invite, seating, a four course meal with wine, live entertainment and a free round, aswell as party favours, a Dj, bar extension, a selection of cake and something to eat and drink on arrival!

It's a requirement and people will give out if any of that is missing - my friend actually received a note from relatives asking why she had no party favours, claiming it upset people who wanted a token from the night!!
Another wedding, people walked out when they realised there was no proper live entertainment, only a one man band and hid in the hotel bar, which did have a band, for the night!
One friend of mine told me that some of her relatives took some of the money out of the cards they had for them on the sly as she had no four course meal, just a BBQ type thing - her cousin saw his mam and his uncles doing this and whinging about being hungry.
Even at my own wedding, I was planning on having no alcohol and when word got round, I was getting angry phone calls and threats of no shows!

So, anyone that says it's not a requirement is talking crap and anyone who takes advantage of peoples hospitality are stingy.

jill_valentine

I'm inclined to agree that they're probably miserable gits. However, lots of people are miserable gits, and if you get too hung up on those jerks you'll never get anything done.

OP, yes, maybe a "Thanks For Your Attendance" thing, or maybe not, but don't get too bothered about exacting some kind of justice at this stage. You had a great day, I hope, and that's all that matters.

artyeva

whatdoicare wrote: »

...

for the record it's a simple irrefutable fact of life that not all of the people in the whole world will behave the way that you have in the past experienced some people behave.

you choose to spend money or not spend money on your wedding - if there are people in your life that expect it, and you decide to go along with and provide them with their every whim and desire, then that says more to me about you, your relationship with them, and your priorities than if someone takes you up on your invitation and doesn't give a gift.

so... just so i can get this straight - are you advising that the OP doesn't spend 55c on a card to thank them for coming because they 'ate her food, drank her alcohol, and enjoyed her entertainment' and didn't pay for it or give them a picture frame, but still travelled to the venue, took a day out of their life to celebrate her day with her, maybe paid for a hotel room, petrol, maybe took a day off work... wow, you sound like a lovely generous warm person.

whatdoicare

artyeva wrote: »

so... just so i can get this straight - are you advising that the OP doesn't spend 55c on a card to thank them for coming because they 'ate her food, drank her alcohol, and enjoyed her entertainment' and didn't pay for it or give them a picture frame, but still travelled to the venue, took a day out of their life to celebrate her day with her, maybe paid for a hotel room, petrol, maybe took a day off work... wow, you sound like a lovely generous warm person.

Noone asked them to book a hotel room, take a day off work etc etc and yes, yes I am saying that. Mean is mean, no matter what spin you put on it.

Plus, don't make personal remarks about me, it's disgusting.

mikemac

OP, you say they have steady incomes.
Well how you do you know they aren't on protective notice or had a mortgage rate hike or maybe business is going badly so they see the writing on the wall (hate that cliche but it gets the point across)

An invitation to a wedding is like a letter from the taxman.
Hair, clothes, makeup, annual leave from work (and if you are self employed that money lost!), hotel accommodation, drinks and many more expenses.

You invited them as you wanted their company.
If you overspend on your wedding that's your issue.

Maybe you'll get €200 from a couple or maybe you'll get a cutlery set or picture frame or maybe even nothing but well wishes and all the best from the guests.
Send the same card to everyone, don't try to embarrass anyone

artyeva

whatdoicare wrote: »

Noone asked them to book a hotel room, take a day off work etc etc and yes, yes I am saying that. Mean is mean, no matter what spin you put on it.

i'm sure your wedding guests would be delighted to hear you seem to think so highly of them, regardless of what gift they gave you.

i do apologise for making the personal remark. i was obviously way off the mark in my judgemnt of you.

whatdoicare

artyeva wrote: »

i'm sure your wedding guests would be delighted to hear you seem to think so highly of them, regardless of what gift they gave you.

i do apologise for making the personal remark. i was obviously way off the mark in my judgemnt of you.

Don't make personal remarks about me, it's disgusting, hiding it behind a sarcastic apology doesn't make it any less so.

Thumpette

whatdoicare wrote: »

Don't make personal remarks about me, it's disgusting, hiding it behind a sarcastic apology doesn't make it any less so.

I wouldnt take it too personally, some people on here just lurk to make sanctimoneous judgements of what they seem to percieve as lesser humans

Like your name suggests- what do you care

tbh

whatdoicare wrote: »

Well, people who go to weddings as guests expect a printed invite, seating, a four course meal with wine, live entertainment and a free round, aswell as party favours, a Dj, bar extension, a selection of cake and something to eat and drink on arrival!

when I get a wedding invite, I'm thinking "Oh god, another day off to take from work, sitting with people I don't know, wearing a suit I only ever wear to weddings, missing the opportunity to be doing what I want to do." I try to be polite and pleasant to everyone, but usually I'm heading home the first chance I get..
You make it sound like winning the jackpot - it isn't to everyone.

Ginny

TBH, that's quiet sad that you feel like that about any wedding invites, why say yes? If you dread them so much, then don't go.
All my friend have gotten married in the last few years, and I've never once dreaded it, never sat with people I didn't know, and enjoyed every minute of them.
I enjoyed celebrating their wedding days with them.

tbh

Ginny wrote: »

TBH, that's quiet sad that you feel like that about any wedding invites, why say yes? If you dread them so much, then don't go.

It's mostly people I don't know - her family. She doesn't know most of them either :P

All my friend have gotten married in the last few years, and I've never once dreaded it, never sat with people I didn't know, and enjoyed every minute of them.
I enjoyed celebrating their wedding days with them.

aye, friends are different in fairness.

John Mason

LMAO

I just asked my friend, whom i was chief bridesmaid for, if it bothered her that i didnt get them a present and she started laughing, and said no, why would it?, she didnt get married for the presents and sure i had to take 2 days off work, pay for my bridesmaids dress and pay for the hotel room.

people have very strange attitudes

OP, yes you should send them a card to thank them for making your day more enjoyable - this is the correct thing to do

beagle001

I think a big problem here is that both the bride,groom and close family get so hyped up about this big wedding thing that they lose touch with the reality of the occasion.
There is so much emphamism in Ireland placed on the material aspect of the marriage that good company and well wishes are cast aside for the sake of money or a present.
This is truly sad and clearly evident from some of the posts above.
We had many folk at ours give nothing,we could care less just delighted to see them and have a chat.
I have to agree with the mod I do not enjoy weddings or the whole fuss of it,we kept ours nice and simple and would much rather do my own thing.
That is why the op should respect the people for coming to her wedding as not all who were present actually love to be there but attend out of respect that is all that should be expected from them.
It really makes me sick to see how picky some people can be considering we are in an economic downturn,please think less selfishly it will make you a better person.

suzieled

irishbird wrote: »

LMAO
sure i had to take 2 days off work, pay for my bridesmaids dress and pay for the hotel room.

I wouldnt expect a present from my bridesmaid either if she paid for her own bridesmid dress that I wanted her to wear. Sure that is a present.

ghosttown

OP, there's another question here - how do you know they did not give a 'gift' ? The last few weddings I've been at, it's been a whip around, and money in a card from 'the gang' or 'the cousins'.....not sure I even signed the cards, I'm sure you got money, it seems the most popular present these days, how do you know they didn't contribute but not get mentioned on the card ?

lyverbird1

Some interesting opinions here! I went through the same thing four years ago at my wedding, with my own brother being one of the people not bringing a gift - vague excuse of having something ordered etc but still no sign of it and with the 4th anniversary approaching! Whereas I did consider it a little disappointing that some people didn't bother with so much as a card and I have been tempted a few times over the years to make remarks, believe me when I say you will feel better for being the bigger person and not saying anything. Even when I recently fell out with one of these people over another matter, it would have been too easy to say it, but it's not worth it. To bring it to their attention is something designed to make that person feel bad and though the temptation is there, don't do it - it's something you can't take back and could end up regretting...

John Mason

suzieled wrote: »

I wouldnt expect a present from my bridesmaid either if she paid for her own bridesmid dress that I wanted her to wear. Sure that is a present.

errr..... no, i bought my own dress, she had no choice in what i bought. she told me the colour she wanted thats it . she didnt see the dress until the day of the wedding

artyeva

Thumpette wrote: »

I wouldnt take it too personally, some people on here just lurk to make sanctimoneous judgements of what they seem to percieve as lesser humans

Like your name suggests- what do you care

posting on this thread hardly makes me a lurker

and please don't make judgements on why i choose to post on this thread, it's disgusting.

beagle001 wrote: »

I think a big problem here is that both the bride,groom and close family get so hyped up about this big wedding thing that they lose touch with the reality of the occasion.
There is so much emphamism in Ireland placed on the material aspect of the marriage that good company and well wishes are cast aside for the sake of money or a present.
This is truly sad and clearly evident from some of the posts above.
We had many folk at ours give nothing,we could care less just delighted to see them and have a chat.
I have to agree with the mod I do not enjoy weddings or the whole fuss of it,we kept ours nice and simple and would much rather do my own thing.
That is why the op should respect the people for coming to her wedding as not all who were present actually love to be there but attend out of respect that is all that should be expected from them.
It really makes me sick to see how picky some people can be considering we are in an economic downturn,please think less selfishly it will make you a better person.

hit the nail right on the head there, beagle. people loose touch with other people's reality a little bit around the time of a wedding.

if the OP really does have a problem with people who attended her wedding not giving a gift, let them say it to them. ''hey, you came to my wedding, i fed you, entertained you, gave you free drink, why didn't you get us a present as well?''... then see what their reaction will be.

if all of you peeps really think that people who go to a wedding and don't give a gift are ''mean'' or ''stingy'' or ''tight wads'' then why hide behind anonymous posting on an internet forum? if you really really think you're right and they're tight then why not be true to those feelings and tell the people in your life who you feel have wronged you? :rolleyes:

beagle001

Whats happened to the op?

Sergio

Im getting married in spain next year and wont be expecting guests to give presents as they will be spending a fortune just to come out with us for our special day.
This whole thread is a hard one to call because everyones circumstances are different and it comes down to personalities aswell with individuals also.
I can see both sides of the argument but if people cant afford to give a present then come out and say it.
There is in this day in age also alot of tight arsed people who wouldnt spend christmas and its a trait i truly cant stand in people being scrooge like with money!

Thumpette

I love this thread- nothing like a bit of controversity to pass the day!

Zulu

You want controversity? I'll give you controversity...
To those who don't buy presents: what sort of fucking tight-wad rocks up to a party empty handed??? I mean talk about fucking scabby!

I go to a house party, I ALWAYS bring enough drink for me, and some spares for the house.
I go to a birthday I, at the very least, bring a card.
I go to a meal I bring a bottle.
I go to wedding, I bring a gift.

Anyone who doesn't do the above needs to seriously have a good long look in the mirror. Do you also find yourself leaving the pub/in the toilets when it's your round? Do you ever offer to get the bill?? Are you a tightwad??? Some serously scabby fuckers around - thats all I'm saying.

Thumpette

Love it Zulu!

More of that sort of rant!

Unwilling

You got married in April and are only sending out the thank you cards at the end of August!!

beagle001

Unwilling wrote: »

You got married in April and are only sending out the thank you cards at the end of August!!

Stirrer

whatdoicare

irishbird wrote: »

errr..... no, i bought my own dress, she had no choice in what i bought. she told me the colour she wanted thats it . she didnt see the dress until the day of the wedding

You still bought the dress, no gift is expected in that circumstance. Thems the rules.

iguana

Thumpette wrote: »

More of that sort of rant!

No! No more of any sort of rant. Everyone needs to take it down a notch here. I know there are strong feelings here but keep it civil.