Ex ruining my life

LegacyUser

My ex is taking over my life and it's making me extremely depressed.

It would take forever for me to give all of the info so I'll have to omit a lot of details to keep it short-ish.

I'm 30. She's 26. We broke up over two years ago. We were together for 3 years though I was working out of the country for much of that time. I ended the relationship as I realised we'd grown apart and I just wasn't in love with her. She was very upset at first, then seemed to understand. I had hoped we would be able to continue as friends at first but then realised she still wanted a relationship with me. She texted me frequently asking why I had ended it. I was completely honest with her but kind at the same time but she'd just respond with "but why?" so I stopped responding.

When my ex and I started going out, she had very few friends in her home county. She quickly became close to my group of friends; my two brothers and our male cousins who do everything together. We spent most weekends together in my county and she made friends with my friends' girlfriends, though most of these are no longer on the scene.

I was working away for several months after our breakup. Then I moved home and started seeing a local girl. The day I arrived back in my house from the airport, my ex was sitting between my brother and granny at the table looking completely at home. We had zero contact while I was away, after a few texts early on, so I was surprised and found the moment very uncomfortable. My grandmother and parents were very fond of my ex and were very unsupportive to me when I chose to end the relationship.

My brother and friends on the other hand thought I had been very strong to get out of something I was unhappy in as a couple of them had chosen to remain in a relationship to avoid awkward breakups. They were fantastic and understanding.

I don't have a good relationship with my parents anyway so it didn't surprise me that they would take the 'other' side. They've done this throughout my life, always criticising everything I do.

I quickly realised that my ex had more or less entirely taken over my life while I was away (though I didn't think into it much or take it too seriously at the time), doing all of the stuff I used to do with the people I did it with. When we were a couple, she didn't enjoy doing these things, such as I being a keen swimmer and fisherman with a local club, she hated water, but when I came home I found she was now part of the both my swimming and fishing club! I didn't think into it too much initially as it was clear she was still very much wanting to pursue a relationship with me. I ignored the scenario and avoided her (not partaking in swimming or fishing activities with friends), instead spending time with my new girlfriend. I wasn't initially avoiding her back then, I was happier to be with my new gf instead and thought I'd found 'the one'.

The new relationship went fantastically for several months and we started hanging out with my family and friends, going on fishing trips, etc, then my gf very suddenly ended the relationship without much info as to why. It really broke my heart as I had become very serious about her and felt things I'd never felt before. She gave me the usual bull**** excuses, that she just wasn't ready for a relationship, etc, but I knew there had to be more to it and wished she'd just tell me. She had seemed as into me as I was to her.

Time passed, I started seeing someone else though I was less interested in a relationship after being stung.

A few weeks into it, after zero contact, I met the girl who had ended our relationship in a pub one night and with some dutch courage, I asked her straight up why she ended it. My ex. She suddenly opened my mind to a world I was either blocking out or blind to.
I was aware my ex was always present amongst our group and it pissed me off completely but until it was pointed out to me, I didn't realise just how big an issue I had on my hands.

The reason I'm posting is I'm now encountering the same problem with the girl I'm currently seeing, and I have to sort this out. Now that I've been made aware of it, it horrifies me. I'm no longer blind to it, my previous girlfriend really opened my eyes.

Basically, my girlfriend ended it because she couldn't handle my ex constantly being stuck in the middle of everything we did. She knew I had zero interest in her, never spoke to her other than a "hi" if she spoke first, but this wasn't what caused the problem. It was the fact that any time we went away on a fishing trip or out to dinner as a group, the ex spent the entire night staring nastily at my gf, rarely taking her eyes off her. When my gf went to the toilet, the ex followed her in and never spoke to her, just stood outside the cubicle staring her up and down. This girl listed endless incidents that she found to be extremely disturbing and just didn't want to be around this situation anymore, she thought I'd chosen to ignore the problem but I genuinely didn't see how bad it was until it was pointed out to me.

I mentioned it to my group of male friends and they were all aware of this problem, none of them enjoy her company nor understand why she continues to be present, yet she lists them on facebook as her best friends. She is only there when I'm around, though she never speaks to me anymore, other than a couple of 'hellos' in the past several months. She just seems to get a kick from intimidating my new girlfriends or interfering in my fun. She doesn't actually do anything other than stare though, so it's hard to pull her up on this behaviour. "Stop looking at my gf!"

My friends' girlfriends no longer talk to her because they felt her behaviour was wrong and that she shouldn't be a part of our group anymore, it seems they confronted her about this when I first started seeing a new girl and she fell out with them all at that point, but continued to socialise with the group. She has been seeing a guy for quite a while but now when I see them together, I see it's a pathetic joke. Anytime I happen to look in their direction on a night out (which isn't hard when we're always at the same table), she quickly throws herself around her boyfriend and kisses him while looking at me. This is obviously some pathetic ploy to make me jealous but I just feel sorry for her.

She was someone I genuinely liked for several years and thought we would remain friends but now, I actually despise her. She disturbs me.

Over the past couple of months, since entering a new relationship, I've started to avoid spending time with my brothers and cousins as I don't want my new gf encountering the same issues as my previous gf. She already mentioned to me how odd she finds the situation. She assumed my ex was stalking me and to be honest, she probably is. I'm not one for drama, and hate to admit it, but it's definitely borderline silent stalking.

I need to give specific examples I guess. A few weeks ago, all of the couples in my group of friends went away for a romantic weekend to N.I. None of the friends wanted my ex to be involved in our group anymore and all specifically made effort for her to not find out about it. We arrived at the hotel in N.I. to be greeted by my ex and her bf (who has asked me twice if he should be concerned by my ex's wish to hang out with my group all of the time I'm present) who no-one had invited, and no-one had any idea how she found out about it.

My brothers and cousins were extremely blunt with her, and actually very rude for the first time yet seeing the concerned look on my girlfriend's face, and the ex just ignored them completely and acted like she was the most welcomed person in the world. Her guy seemed to be completely embarrassed and asked that they go inside away from us twice, which she ignored.

We planned some evening meals that she was again not invited to, but still followed us and sat right next to me and my gf with eyes on us all night.

This is one of endless examples; everywhere we go, she tags along even when it's kept top secret so she not find out. Now I suspect she's getting info from my cousin's gf who isn't exactly close to me or my gf. I recently found out the reason she isn't 'close' to us is that the ex has filled her with endless bull**** stories about how I treated her, total lies.

I've just pulled out of a friends holiday to Spain as I got warning from my brothers that the ex has just booked in to go. A mutual friend works in a travel agency and passed the word on that she was tagging along. None of the circle of friends will speak to her or barely give her the time of day except one cousin and his gf, but she is still going along, not yet realising I won't be going now.

It's at the point where I want to tell her to **** OFF to hell!! I told all of this to a co-worker last week for the first time ever, him noting how stressed I was after another **** weekend, and he couldn't understand why we don't just tell her to **** off.

But the thing is, I'm not an asshole, and never have been. Even though her behaviour is entirely out of line, I don't see myself being so rude and nasty to her to simply say '**** off' particularly when I don't expect it to work. I can imagine her going back to my very elderly grandmothers and telling them what happened. Both of my brothers and our cousin told her and her bf to '**** off and find new friends' at the end of our weekend in N.I. multiple times after one heated incident, and it made zero difference. We were sure we'd never see her again and celebrated the fact, only for her to arrive in the pub a couple of minutes behind us the following Friday night as though nothing had happened.

I can't believe I spent three years of my life with this woman, she was never like this then, showed no signs of stalkerish behaviour or oddness. Did my breaking up with her turn her nuts or was she like this and hiding it throughout our relationship? I just don't get it.

I don't want to talk to her as I feel this will just lead her on more, it's like she's always waiting on an opportunity for me to approach her so I don't. If she's this messed up she will probably want me to give her attention, in the first few months following our breakup she texted a lot, and if I replied she just wouldn't leave it, constantly replying to my one message even if I said I was out of credit or gone to sleep. I felt sorry for her then, hoping she would move on and find someone else. When I heard she was in a relationship, I celebrated. He's from Cork and I expected that would take her to his part of the country instead of hounding mine, but no such luck. She says (according to facebook) that she still hangs out in my part of the country because of her wonderful group of best friends. This would be my two brothers and cousins who just about answer her when she speaks to them but mostly try to avoid her.

I'm at the point where I'm seething so much that if I did talk to her, I'll probably scream and be an absolute asshole, and I fear how she would react to that. She was the most normal down-to-earth girl when we were together, never had any mental problems and not an ounce of unstable behaviour. She was never able to understand psycho behaviour in others.

And it wasn't like our breakup affected her THAT much. She was back on the dating scene a couple of weeks after I ended it.

She visits both of my grandmothers at least once a week. She never knew one of them while we were together, and my brothers and I rarely visit that grandmother. She visits my parents every couple of weeks with a bottle of wine and old photos of her time as part of my family. They are very old-fashioned and she has them won over completely, they're blind to how odd this is.
I'm rarely there when this happens and on the couple of occasions where I was, I avoided it completely. I tried to bring it up with my parents but was wasting my time. We don't get along anyway, everything I do is wrong, I should've stuck with my wonderful ex who takes so much time to visit my family, even after I "turfed her away"..

If this continues, I'll lose my friends, family and my girlfriend. I'm finding it hard to get too serious about my new gf as I fear it'll soon go the same way as my last relationship did, me suddenly being dumped without warning. My current gf has expressed feeling very uncomfortable about going to the toilet when the ex always gets up and follows along, and has asked that we not hang out with my friends anymore on our weekends together, and to be honest, I understand that completely, I've put myself in her shoes and I would not like that.

I expect people will tell my I'm being a wuss for not just telling her to **** off myself, but I am certain it will do nothing other than make her turn nasty towards my gf and I, and spread vicious rumours which she has tried to do before when my friends told her where to go.

This is really depressing me, the easiest option is to avoid my old life, one I loved very much.

I'm looking for advice from anyone who's encountered anything similar, though I assume this is a rare one. I'm looking for advice on how to handle this, I had hoped she'd get bored if I wasn't around our group too often but perhaps in her head, my friends genuinely are her friends. They probably did show pity to her early on though that pity has long since dried up. My brother and I have discussed this a lot and his suggestions were 'write her an anonymous letter telling her she's being very cruel to her boyfriend by treating him this way', that would take the limelight away from me and make her think about him, but I don't see that working.

Sorry for this being so long, but I would love some input from others. It's easy to tell her to **** off, but technically, what is she doing wrong? No one on the outside would ever see a problem, she's not insulting me or my girlfriend to our faces, she's not even speaking to us, she's just THERE and staring. And that's not a crime. The fact that I have hundreds of examples of her being 'there', everywhere we go, is unsettling, but it's still not grounds enough to be insulting to her and I do not want to piss her off as I have no idea how she would react. This is not the woman I went out with for three years. She's been behaving like this for two years now, so is unlikely to get bored any time soon. She doesn't have a drug or drink problem, in fact, she doesn't actually drink! In the beginning she was driving my friends everywhere on nights out which is why they remained friends with her I imagine. But they got bored of that and she's still there.

How do I handle this so as not to lose my girlfriend and friends?

Thanks.

tenchi-fan

Sorry, I didn't read all this.

I suggest you have a firm discussion with your family. Tell them you don't want them to have anything to do with this girl anymore.

If they can't cut her out, I think you'll need to cut them out.

LegacyUser

OP, you have to tell her to get out of your life. It seems to be at a point where she's living your life more than you are, and that's just not on. you're no longer even really friends with her!

If I was in your situation, I think I'd go to my parents and grandmothers before talking to the ex, not to look for their approval, but so that your side of the story is in there first before she goes to them with her version of you being the big baddie. I know you say you don't find your parents to be supportive, but your their son, they love you, you just need to be straight with them - it doesnt matter if they think she's the bees knees, theyre not the ones who would end up being with her for the rest of their lives if you had chosen not to end it when you did. Then I'd meet up with the ex, and lay it on the line. It's your life, you need to take it back. So what if she makes up rumours? It sounds like you and your mates all know she's behaving strangely, nobody's going to believe her over you. at this point, youre 30, you need to be able to have relationships that have a chance of working as its only fair to you. she ruined it for you once, don't let it happen again!

astra2000

Hi op well I am gobsmacked to put it mildly. To be honest it doesnt sound like telling her where to go will work. All I can suggest is maybe there is someone in her family you could speak with about her behaviour I would bring along a couple of friends and your gf who will vouch for you that she is behaving oddly. If that is a no go how about the next time she joins your group you your gf and your brothers take her and her bf aside and explain the problems that ye have with her behaviour. It sounds drastic to suggest you move op but that may be what you have to do to be able to move on with your life.

tinkerbell

OP, holy crap. That is nuts :eek: :eek:

Look, first of all you need to have a family meeting about this. Get your parents, grandparents, brothers and cousins together and explain to them the situation with your ex. They will soon realise that she is nuts, and this behaviour is very weird. Then once you have everybody on the same page, when the ex calls around again, they need to tell her that she is no longer welcome and to stop calling. I mean, you say your folks and you don't get along too well, but surely if they realised how weird this girl is being they would want to protect you, their own son, rather than her?!

Secondly, I find your ex's behaviour really stalkerish and intimidating. She follows your girlfriend and ex girlfriend to the toilet to stare them down? I mean she's an absolute freak. That is just scary and weird.

I would recommend that you pay a visit to the gardaí about it. If she's doing things like following them to the bathroom to intimidate your girlfriend and make her uncomfortable, then that's reason enough to go to the gardaí. And they will do something about it, all they need to do is visit the ex, say they have received a complaint about her intimidating people, spreading lies, and to stop that behaviour. She will hopefully then realise that this is serious and will back off.

Cheap Thrills!

Go to the Guards and make a complaint. What she is doing is stalking and illegal. Bring one of your friends who can corroborate what you are saying.

The fact that you haven't been blunt and explicit with her is not helping matters. She might think you don't mind her being around.

You do need to tell her to fcuk off and as clearly as possible.

LegacyUser

OP you have a stalker!!! No two ways about it!
Irish law doesn't unfortunately allow you to take out a barring order or protection order against her
I had a similar situation with an ex who followed me everywhere he even slept outside my house in his car some nights because he was "worried about me"

I was "lucky" in that things eventually came to a head and we had a massive argument after I got a new bf, my ex followed me home that night and told me id never be happy with my new guy and that he knew I still loved him I lost the plot and fed him a few home truths including the fact that he was crap in bed!! He tried to choke me and told me if he couldn't have me no one could I was very very lucky to survive that night my ex was charged and convicted of assault and court ordered to stay away from me!!

But anyway.... OP talk to your family and tell them this girl has no place in their lives tell her the same and a word off the record with your local friendly Garda might be no harm he could have a word with your ex and tell her to back off!!

Neyite

i second the idea of getting your family involved.

explain that she harrassed your previous girlfriend to the point where the poor girl felt unsafe in her company, and that she is doing the same to another girl. she is stalking innocent girls who have done nothing wrong. surely your parents and grandparents will see this is wrong.

you can say that you will be taking this seriously, and that you will be telling this stalker calmly at each thing she turns up to that she was not invited, not welcome and please leave. delete /block her on facebook and all contacts.
tell them that if they choose to invite this ex into their lives, that you will no longer contact them, as you plan on getting a barring order if possible. i think that if they see you are being deadly serious about this, and other guys in your group back you up with anecdotes, they will change their tune.

you and the members of your group should meet up with her once more and tell her you no longer want her to be part of your group due to her intimidation tactics to two women, and make it clear that she will not be welcome. every time she turns up, tell her she was not invited, and is not welcome and please leave. make it clear to the people in your group that if they continue to invite her along, that they will be excluded too. its time really to take sides.

log each and every time you do this, each and every time she follows your girlfriend. no woman should feel her safety is under threat, even from another woman.

go to the gardai. get advice from them, maybe a bit of a chat from them might scare the ex enough to leave you all alone.

LegacyUser

Well OP, it's a toughie.
This can be sorted out but it will take a while.

First off you need to get your friends together (along with their girlfriends) and make it clear to them that this girl is creeping you and your girlfriend out. Also make sure to let them know that it's likely to scare your current gf off, as it did with the last one. Make sure that even if they don't understand or see what the problem is, it's a very important issue to you. It sounds like they already know this but you need to make sure they understand how much it's affecting you.

You need to get your family together and do the same (especially so with this cousin and his girlfriend). Make it clear that this girl's behaviour is disturbing you. They'll probably laugh at you at first (I've had a comparable situation before, and that's what happened to me) but you need to keep your cool with them.


Now, there's another thing you could do which could help. It's not exactly a noble thing to do, but in circumstances like this where your lifestyle and relationships are affected so much, I think it would be justified. The best way to change someone's opinion on someone else is to destroy their credibility. To put it simply, you need to make a story up about her doing/saying something horrible. I would suggest asking one/many of your friends to vouch for you (i.e. they were there when this girl was saying xyz) If possible involve members of your family (i.e. she was saying things about them too.) If possible (this is the really unpleasant bit) take advantage of her knowledge of any personal problems someone in the family has.
For example, my uncle was at one stage a gambling addict.
The girl I had the comparable problem with found this out while she was with me (there was no issue with her at the time). Later on when we had broken up and she would be hanging off of my family, I resorted to asking one of my closest friends (who also knew about it) to tell my family that she had been going around saying all sorts about him, calling him a waster, pathetic etc.

Now, I wasn't proud of what I'd done, but that pretty much sorted my problem out there and then, as the next time she saw my mother she was promptly told to f*ck right off and don't come back

You just need to stay strong, reassure your current girlfriend that you are going to sort it out and she doesn't need to worry. Best of luck.

Sound Bite

OP, you've some patience. There's no way in hell anyone should have to put up with that.

Like other posters have said, you need to have a serious chat with your family. Explain the situation to them, have your brothers back up your story, tell them that its stressing you out, ruining relationships for you & that if it persists you'll have to contact the gardai about it. Tell them they are facilitating it & stress how important it is that they severe all contact with this girl immediately.

Secondly, while I know you say she had few friends of her own, after going out with her for so long you must know someone, perphaps a sister of hers, that you could talk to about this, again explain that you'd prefer to have this problem sorted without involvement of the guard but that if thats what it takes you'll have no option but to take things further. Hopefully a chat from someone like this will cause her to see sense.

Lastly, you could tell her straight out that you cannot see what she's still hanging around that that you'd prefer it she didn't, that she's not welcome etc. It make be harsh and hurtful but maybe it needs to be in order to get through to her.

Good luck OP, sounds like you need it.

fionav3

This girl is crackers!!! :eek: OP, talk to your family and friends, tell them what's going on and get her out of your life now (have them remove her from facebook, don't talk to her, don't invite her in the door of the house and don't answer any calls or texts from her)! Tell them the full story of what's going on. Anyone who doesn't help you in this is not a friend. People have already told her to stay away and move on and she clearly isn't listening so maybe actions will speak louder than words.

Someone mentioned going to the gardai for advice and I'd second that. I'd also keep track of any stalkerish incidents involving you and your girlfriend (time, date, what the incident was) in a diary to have as evidence for the gardai if you need it. You have my full pity...this is serious s**t! I got the chills just reading your post. Guy I was madly in love with broke up with me out of the blue last year; I was devastated. Did I do what your looney ex did? Did I heck!!! I deleted every person I had met through him from facebook and all of their numbers from my phone...including his and I haven't seen or spoken to him since. He didn't want to be with me so I didn't want any reminders in my life of him. What this girl is doing is dangerously unhealthy and it is clearly ruining your personal life. Act now before it goes any further. Good luck.

Ickle Magoo

Definitely call a family meeting and invite your friends along and make sure everyone knows just how serious this is and what is going on. Your parents could just be blindly thinking they are being kind to someone you care about - you have to spell out what she's doing and how distressing you find her following your every more.

You need to get a plan together whereby you all leave when she arrives, ignore her and give zero attention to her - because I think that is just what she wants. I would second reporting her behaviour to the guards or even ask a solicitors advice on how to go about applying for a restraining order. I would avoid getting into any shouting matches or even looking at her, just ignore and walk away and make sure everyone knows what a nutter she is and what they are to do if she gets in touch with them. I think with everyone in the know giving her zero encouragement and a solicitors letter, she may just get the message.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you all so much for the replies. I actually expected people to tell me I was being over the top in getting stressed by her behaviour, as technically, she's not doing anything wrong. She hasn't shouted at us or insulted us or assaulted us, and yet it bothers me more than if she did those things.

Sadly, going to the guards or trying to speak with my parents on this would be an utter waste of time. I'm familiar with both routes for separate issues in the past and know better than to try again. I went to the guards recently with a much more serious matter and was more or less told to deal with it myself, they don't get into personal issues with other people. Around here, we're used to not receiving help from the Gardai even when a serious crime occurs. They'd laugh me out of the station if I mentioned a man being stalked by a woman.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You need to get a plan together whereby you all leave when she arrives, ignore her and give zero attention to her - because I think that is just what she wants.

I think this is the best route of action for now. I'm not out this weekend as I just feel too low to encounter her and bring friction into my relationship. In that way, she's probably getting just what she wants too. She's managed to take from me my ability to hang out with my friends, allow my friends to get to know my girlfriend, she's managed to make my girlfriend uncomfortable in the company of my friends and that is so wrong it really winds me up. How dare she. Who does she think she is?!

I'm going to have a go at getting my friends together and asking them to ignore her, and for us all to leave when she arrives. We have tried this method several times in the past and she's simply followed behind us refusing to take the hint. We've also done a runner while she was in the bathroom on many occasions (her boyfriend seeing this and seemingly not phased) only for her to happen to turn up in the next pub we go to. But I think we need to be quite a bit more blunt about it.

I still wonder if approaching her bf is the way to go, or having my brothers pull him aside and have a word (not abusive, just ask him what's going on, why he allows this). He seems to be extremely uncomfortable with the situation never speaking to any of the group other than her, and we all hoped he'd put his foot down and get her to visit him in his part of the country but no such luck.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I would avoid getting into any shouting matches or even looking at her, just ignore and walk away and make sure everyone knows what a nutter she is and what they are to do if she gets in touch with them. I think with everyone in the know giving her zero encouragement and a solicitors letter, she may just get the message.

I would be extremely concerned about confronting her or getting into arguments with her as her behaviour is NOT normal and I can only imagine her reaction to confrontation would also be abnormal and possibly dangerous to me or my gf. It definitely has become worse over time the more I think about it. It was far more subtle than this in the beginning, I didn't pick up on why my previous girlfriend ended things until she pointed it out, the ex seems to be getting more present in my world as the months pass.

It's time to take some dramatic course of action. I either have success with this or just quit my old life (which I was very happy with) and settle somewhere else outside of my ex's reign. But she's not even from my part of the country, so that seems very unfair.

LegacyUser

fionav3 wrote: »

Guy I was madly in love with broke up with me out of the blue last year; I was devastated. Did I do what your looney ex did? Did I heck!!! I deleted every person I had met through him from facebook and all of their numbers from my phone...including his and I haven't seen or spoken to him since. He didn't want to be with me so I didn't want any reminders in my life of him. What this girl is doing is dangerously unhealthy and it is clearly ruining your personal life.

What she's doing is extremely unhealthy to her too. I've also done exactly what you did, that to me is the normal course of action following a breakup. I think someone needs to write a manual on this as I see friends and family constantly having this problem with exes, though none as severe as mine.

If you're not wanted, then there's no point pursuing it however in love you may have been. They are not in love with you. I would have no desire to hang out with an ex's family and friends once the relationship has ended, I would feel entirely out of place however close I was to them during the relationship. I would not want reminders of the life we had together and I think family and friends would understand the ex no longer wishing to keep in touch with them.

I thought my ex would've followed the normal course of action, cut ties, move on. I'd never have predicted she would behave like this. I can't stress enough that she was a normal happy person when we were together, and nothing else in her personal life changed apart from my breakup with her, so I have no idea how she went from normal to this sort of psycho behaviour. Perhaps in her head by keeping my family and friends in her life, she manages to convince herself that our relationship hasn't ended. Who knows...

Ickle Magoo

I know you say your parents won't listen but I would still try calling a meeting with them involved. Perhaps if they hear everyone else describing their experiences with what your ex is doing they will listen and understand how serious it could be that they are giving her access to part of your life?

From now on keep a log of every visit and every time she follows you or follows your gf to the loos or whatever, it'll come in handy if things do escalate up the legal route.

tinkerbell

^^ I completely agree with this.

OP, you think your folks won't listen but they MIGHT. All you can do is try. Speak to your parents, explain everything you have said here - bring your friends over so they can back you up, they might brush it under the carpet if it's just you saying it but if it is you, your girlfriend, and all your friends saying the same thing, then they might sit up and listen.

I would still keep a log of all stalkerish activity from psycho ex, in case you ever need it.

And do explain to all your mates, that ye have got to up your game on the whole trying to dodge this crazy girl. If she comes over to you, tell her she is not welcome. If she refuses to leave, tell her she has got to leave, otherwise you will call the manager of the establishment over and get him involved. I'm sure the manager would rather making a bunch of customers happy in his pub rather than letting some crazy person ruin their night. If she will not leave you alone, just get up and leave and go elsewhere. If she keeps following you, you need to have a word with the boyfriend. Everywhere you go, if she comes in, speak to the manager / bouncer. Keep doing it. Eventually the thick psychotic bitch will get it that she is not welcome.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

From now on keep a log of every visit and every time she follows you or follows your gf to the loos or whatever, it'll come in handy if things do escalate up the legal route.

I've been keeping a log since my previous girlfriend told me why she ended our relationship. I've gone through it with my brothers and to be honest, unless you're there and see the situation first hand once made aware of it, there's very little that SOUNDS serious in the log.

'Ex turns up in same pub as us 10 minutes after we arrive. Looks at us. Sits opposite us. Follows with our group the the next three pubs. Looks at us regularly.'

If I simply posted here that my problem is my ex looking at me and my gf, without giving all of the background info, I can imagine the responses I would receive would be centred around "Get over it/yourself! She has as much of a right to hang out with your group as you do. You ended the relationship, not her." I have received this response from my cousin's girlfriend in the past..

I don't believe I have a strong enough case at this time to take any action further than trying to avoid her more.

Someone who doesn't fully get the situation will say that women always go to the loo at the same time when they're amongst the same group of people, that's just how women roll. I'm sure some of our wider group, while agreeing she's too present and shouldn't be knocking around us so much, would think that she's not doing anything wrong in her behaviour on a night out, other than being present.

It's different for me as I'm specifically being affected by it. I pay closer attention to her behaviour than the others.

Ickle Magoo

It may not sound a lot in itself but if she pulls a fast one and tries to get you into trouble or ramps up the weirdness then a log of dates and frequency, could be invaluable.

You have a choice, you can pull everyone you know together and lay your cards on the table about how this is making you feel and how freaked out & unhappy you are at her being omnipresent in your life and ask that they change their behaviour for your sake or you move away from her or learn to ignore her and just pity her and her stupid games.

magneticimpulse

I didnt read all of this as its very long. I think its all in your head. I think the girl who dumped you just wanted an easy excuse to break up with you and put these ideas in your head. You sound way way too paranoid. Your ex has clearly moved on and has a new boyfriend. What more do you want? For her to leave the country? Im sorry but your not being very mature about this situation. Do you expect her to dump all her friends (after 7 or 3 years) just because you dumped her?

Im sorry but you dont own your friends or your cousins. If your ex is friends with them, i dont see why you should turn everyone against her. If the girl who dated you, really loved you, she would never have dumped you no matter what!!! Get that in your head, she didnt love you...your ex had nothing to do with it.

If you cant handle living in the same small town as her, move to a city, or better still move to another country if this is how paranoid you are about the situation

fionav3

depressedguy7 wrote: »

I've been keeping a log since my previous girlfriend told me why she ended our relationship. I've gone through it with my brothers and to be honest, unless you're there and see the situation first hand once made aware of it, there's very little that SOUNDS serious in the log.

'Ex turns up in same pub as us 10 minutes after we arrive. Looks at us. Sits opposite us. Follows with our group the the next three pubs. Looks at us regularly.'

I beg to differ. It sounds very serious. What your ex is doing is intimidation at its worst. Stalking is a hard crime to determine, this is true, but following your girlfriend into the bathroom and staring her down whilst waiting outside the cubicle is stalking. So is following you from pub to pub. You may think that your family won't listen but MAKE them listen...show them Fatal Attraction if you have to! And make a complaint of haressment with the gardai. So what if they laugh? Insist on making the complaint because that way there will be something on file for future.

I hate to alarm you OP but this girl sounds very disturbed in her head and there's no guarantee that she won't do something worse in the future so you need to take precautions NOW. This is how stalking starts; it seems harmless if a little weird at first before rapidly escalating. The gardai know this...so make that complaint and TALK to your family !and I'm not joking about if they don't listen, show them fatal attraction!)

magneticimpulse

depressedguy7 wrote: »

I

If I simply posted here that my problem is my ex looking at me and my gf, without giving all of the background info, I can imagine the responses I would receive would be centred around "Get over it/yourself! She has as much of a right to hang out with your group as you do. You ended the relationship, not her." I have received this response from my cousin's girlfriend in the past..

I don't believe I have a strong enough case at this time to take any action further than trying to avoid her more.

Someone who doesn't fully get the situation will say that women always go to the loo at the same time when they're amongst the same group of people, that's just how women roll. I'm sure some of our wider group, while agreeing she's too present and shouldn't be knocking around us so much, would think that she's not doing anything wrong in her behaviour on a night out, other than being present.

It's different for me as I'm specifically being affected by it. I pay closer attention to her behaviour than the others.

I completely agree with this statement you made...its completely how I see it!! Get over yourself"!! You had no idea this was any problem until the girl who dumped you, made up some ridiculous stories. If the girl who dumped you, loved you...she would have stuck by you. She obviously just wanted to get away from you giving her harrasement and keep asking her why she dumped you. Quite simply she just wasnt that into you. However you wouldnt just accept that, so shes made up this easy excuse to take your mind off her dumping you and then take the blame on your ex.

Get over it. Your ex has a boyfriend, you have a girlfriend....get a grip and stop being paranoid. I suggest you get some professional help as your clearly taking this way too far.

magneticimpulse

fionav3 wrote: »

I beg to differ. It sounds very serious. What your ex is doing is intimidation at its worst. Stalking is a hard crime to determine, this is true, but following your girlfriend into the bathroom and staring her down whilst waiting outside the cubicle is stalking. So is following you from pub to pub. You may think that your family won't listen but MAKE them listen...show them Fatal Attraction if you have to! And make a complaint of haressment with the gardai. So what if they laugh? Insist on making the complaint because that way there will be something on file for future.

I hate to alarm you OP but this girl sounds very disturbed in her head and there's no guarantee that she won't do something worse in the future so you need to take precautions NOW. This is how stalking starts; it seems harmless if a little weird at first before rapidly escalating. The gardai know this...so make that complaint and TALK to your family !and I'm not joking about if they don't listen, show them fatal attraction!)

Oh wow watching a "MOVIE" from the 90s about a "MADE UP STORY" is so going to solve your problems. Im sorry but you need professional help OP as your seriously taking this way out of proportion...the girl who dumped you put this story in your head. Its not real, the ex has not said any hurtful things to you, she is with someone new.

You also have no case to bring to the Gardai. Seriously what are you going to say? My ex (from 2 years ago) who now has a new boyfriend, keeps going to the same pub as me as we all have the same friends and I dont like it so can you please lock her up?? Seriously no Gardai will waste their time with that.

You need to move to another place if it bothers you that much.

fionav3

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I didnt read all of this as its very long. I think its all in your head. I think the girl who dumped you just wanted an easy excuse to break up with you and put these ideas in your head. You sound way way too paranoid. Your ex has clearly moved on and has a new boyfriend. What more do you want? For her to leave the country? Im sorry but your not being very mature about this situation. Do you expect her to dump all her friends (after 7 or 3 years) just because you dumped her?

Im sorry but you dont own your friends or your cousins. If your ex is friends with them, i dont see why you should turn everyone against her. If the girl who dated you, really loved you, she would never have dumped you no matter what!!! Get that in your head, she didnt love you...your ex had nothing to do with it.

If you cant handle living in the same small town as her, move to a city, or better still move to another country if this is how paranoid you are about the situation

You didn't read the whole post so you didn't read about how uncomfortable she's making the OP's friends and cousins. They've told her to get lost but she's not taking the hint. I mean no disprespect magneticimpulse, but it's attitudes like yours that make stalking such a hard crime to prosecute. What the OP is telling us is something that we've all read in the headlines many times...something that happens right before the ex-lover walks into the victims' place of work and shoots them in the face (that was an actual case in the UK about four/five years ago). You might see the humour in it but I'd like to see how funny you'd find it if you were in the same situation. Stalking is no laughing matter and it can destroy a victim's life...and that's if they're lucky enough to escape being murdered. I'm not saying that's what will happen here and I don't mean to sound so dramatic but a friend of a friend was stalked by an ex boyfriend in a very similar manner several years ago that culminated in a vicious knife attack as she made her way home from work. She was lucky to escape with her life. Stalking is a crime that can escalate rapidly and should be taken seriously.

magneticimpulse

fionav3 wrote: »

You didn't read the whole post so you didn't read about how uncomfortable she's making the OP's friends and cousins. They've told her to get lost but she's not taking the hint. I mean no disprespect magneticimpulse, but it's attitudes like yours that make stalking such a hard crime to prosecute. What the OP is telling us is something that we've all read in the headlines many times...something that happens right before the ex-lover walks into the victims' place of work and shoots them in the face (that was an actual case in the UK about four/five years ago). You might see the humour in it but I'd like to see how funny you'd find it if you were in the same situation. Stalking is no laughing matter and it can destroy a victim's life...and that's if they're lucky enough to escape being murdered. I'm not saying that's what will happen here and I don't mean to sound so dramatic but a friend of a friend was stalked by an ex boyfriend in a very similar manner several years ago that culminated in a vicious knife attack as she made her way home from work. She was lucky to escape with her life. Stalking is a crime that can escalate rapidly and should be taken seriously.

Thanks, but I read enough to get the gist of it. And its all in his head. Im sorry, but how long the post is, clearly shows how much of this he has blown out of proportion. The OP clearly need professional help.

And seriously your response is way out of proportion. People have been looking at too much news. Now your suggesting "murder". Im sorry but this is not OPs problem and nobody has been murdered. The ex hasnt even said anything to him or been agressive and your suggesting she will murder him. My attitude is the way it is, because i think people believe in too much news and too much hype about stalking or bunny boiler situations.

However no one points out that the OP has been "stalking" the girl who dumped him. No thats just blown over as usual. Im sorry but the ex's actions are no different to how the OP feels about the girl who dumped him. I mean he says himself he still in contact with her. But does anyone point that out? Or how strange that is? No!!!

I think everyone blowing this out of proportion because of outside stories from NEWS and MOVIES.

fionav3

OP, just so you know, the only professional help you need is the gardai. It's not all in your head.

magneticimpulse

fionav3 wrote: »

OP, just so you know, the only professional help you need is the gardai. It's not all in your head.

What will they do? Arrest her for going to the toilet?

Ickle Magoo

So if your ex kept following you around, even after being told to feck off by everyone, booking holidays to the same location that you are going despite no-one inviting her, leaving the pub and she then leaves and follows you, staring out your new partners, turning up at your home for chats with mum & dad, you'd be okay with that? It would all just be in your head? Really?

I have to say if an ex was acting like that with me, I'd be really freaked out too. When I end a relationship, I expect that person to have the courtesy to extract themselves from my life and my family as much as is possible so we can both move on - and I always do likewise. To deliberately keep trying to ingratiate themselves with my family, friends and life I would find distinctly odd - new partner being dragged along or no.

MonkeyBone

Hi OP,

I think you have done the right thing in keeping a diary of this. I went through a nasty situation with my ex recently that is different to this but from my experience people will believe the girl over the guy often times even after you have proven your innocents.

It may be true that your ex has problem, but at the moment they are light in comparison to what may develop.... Do you want to take that chance. Some posters here are taking the alarmist view and others are offering sound advice. You need to bring this to the attention of you family and friends and then you need to speak to the gardai. I doubt they will do anything to be honest but at least they have been made aware of it should anything more serious happen in the future. Your ex may get tired of waiting on the side lines in the future and do something drastic like say you got her pregnant or do something to destroy you current relationship. She also may give up and move on with her life.

It is important to make sure that you are secure should anything escalate in the future that you have your a$$ well covered. I think that you should have a chat with the gardai soon and if your girlfriend is willing then her too.


One final point too if I may! Try and not let this become a major factor in your current relationship. Go on holidays, spend time with your new girlfriend etc but away from this drama as it will put a strain on your relationship if you let it affect you. My ex nearly ruined my relationship with my current girlfriend with lies but my girlfriend is a saint and had faith in me and in the end I was proven innocent.

Just remember to not let your ex affect you or your girlfriends life with her own insecurities or issues.

Best of luck with it OP!

magneticimpulse

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

So if your ex kept following you around, even after being told to feck off by everyone, booking holidays to the same location that you are going despite no-one inviting her, leaving the pub and she then leaves and follows you, staring out your new partners, turning up at your home for chats with mum & dad, you'd be okay with that? It would all just be in your head? Really?

I have to say if an ex was acting like that with me, I'd be really freaked out too. When I end a relationship, I expect that person to have the courtesy to extract themselves from my life and my family as much as is possible so we can both move on - and I always do likewise. To deliberately keep trying to ingratiate themselves with my family, friends and life I would find distinctly odd - new partner being dragged along or no.

Yes but what realistic advice would you give the OP regardless of our opinions? I mean I only see leaving the town or country and seeking councellors advice as being the option.

She hasnt listened to what he has said...so no point saying that. The Gardai dont have any hardcore evidence. Is the ex aggressive or abusive? Does she live with the guy? NO! So Im sorry but there is really nothing the Gardai have the power to do. You are just imposing false hope onto OP by suggesting that.

Ickle Magoo

I've given him my advice already, perhaps you missed that as you chose not to read the thread before giving yours. :P

Certainly what I wouldn't suggest is it's only in his head and that he's powerless to change things because I don't believe he is. I've lived in some very tiny towns and still managed not to be omnipresent in my ex's life - what she's doing isn't normal behaviour and it is an issue for the OP - the whole point of this forum is to offer advice on how he can best resolve his issue.

As for contacting the guardai, there is no harm in having on record that her behaviour is causing the OP to be very uncomfortable or his partner to feel threatened - if she's wacky enough to be visiting his parents and booking holidays without invites then I'd be fairly concerned about her state of mind and what else she's capable of - you may think it sounds overly dramatic but in real life there is a very thin line between slightly OTT and bunny-boiler territory.

LegacyUser

OP I do sypathise with you as it sounds like a horrible awkward situation and I am not suggested you are lying or that it's all in your own head when I say this BUT.......something about your post doesn't quite add up.

For start I doubt that you ex actually broke up with you just because of her behavior. Like other posters have said she, probably wanted a way out of the relationship and used this as an excuse. If she was tat into you the two of you could have got past it. It seems that you didn't really pay to much heed to her behaviour up until this point.

I just don't see how this girl could constantly be turning up at social events and activities without someone inviting her. You can find out a lot from social networking sites nowadays but how did she know where abouts you were all staying in N.I and where you were going out to eat etc? How does she ALWAYS turn up at the pub 5 mins after you? You mention that your cousin's girlfriend might be feeding her info but if she's alone if facilitating this kind of crazy behaviour for this amount of time along, then she's need to be as crazy as the girl herself.

Is it possible that maybe some of your friends are telling you that they don't like her/don't want her there and telling her a different story? For a start you mention they are on her facebook page, if they were this anti-her and as sick of her behaviour as you are, why in the name of god haven't they 'de-friended' her? Is it possible that maybe your friends are telling you that they don't like her because they know your feelings towards her and telling you that she's not invited to things that is because they know you wont turn up if you know she's there? The holiday thing for example, there is no way someone can just 'tag along' uninvited on a holiday, plans and arrangements have to be made that she must be in the loop on.

I certainly think you friends should be more proactive in excluding her if what you say is the full story.

I am not meaning to accuse you of lying or anything OP. I just wonder if you have the full story yourself.

fionav3

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Thanks, but I read enough to get the gist of it. And its all in his head. Im sorry, but how long the post is, clearly shows how much of this he has blown out of proportion. The OP clearly need professional help.

And seriously your response is way out of proportion. People have been looking at too much news. Now your suggesting "murder". Im sorry but this is not OPs problem and nobody has been murdered. The ex hasnt even said anything to him or been agressive and your suggesting she will murder him. My attitude is the way it is, because i think people believe in too much news and too much hype about stalking or bunny boiler situations.

However no one points out that the OP has been "stalking" the girl who dumped him. No thats just blown over as usual. Im sorry but the ex's actions are no different to how the OP feels about the girl who dumped him. I mean he says himself he still in contact with her. But does anyone point that out? Or how strange that is? No!!!

I think everyone blowing this out of proportion because of outside stories from NEWS and MOVIES.

:rolleyes: I was making a joke about the Fatal Attraction crack.

However, the other stories I referenced are quite real. And like someone already said, this girl may just get tired of what she's doing and move on but she could also get tired of it and react dangerously. We're just advising the OP because he posted here looking for advice not ridicule. No one is giving him false hope. I already said that the gardai wouldn't be able to do anything, but to have a haressment complent on file could be important in the future. It's one of the big issues of stalking that the gardai can't do anything unless something happens but people (usually the families of victims of stalking) are campaigning every day for changes to those laws. I don't think any of us are being alarmist because what's happening to the OP is stalking.

Cullen82

Can't believe I read that whole post but anyway...

My initial thoughts on this are exactly the same as my thoughts when reading the very last line......and I DO post this to be helpful in some way even though I found the post a little annoying - don't take it personally!

You mentioned people might think you're a "wuss"...well sorry to tell ya this but that's exactly what I think. Yeah it's a very very strange situation but in all fairness pal you need to have a proper word with your ex, your friends, your family and stop telling yourself it won't change anything:rolleyes: (If you've "already done this" then you've done it wrong and need to do it again) This idiot needs to be told where to go and you need to be a man about it and take the situation in hand....It's not as simple as that? Yes it is actually

Good luck with it though

Kastielz

OP & Mods, I'm sorry I don't have anything constructive to add, the other posters seem to have it covered.

But I've been reading through this thread and there's one thing seriously annoying me. To the posters moaning about the OP having it all in his head after being dumped by her, why don't you try actually reading the OP? He broke up with her, then she started all this odd behavior. I know it's a long post but the info is in the first few lines ffs.

depressedguy7 wrote: »

I'm 30. She's 26. We broke up over two years ago. We were together for 3 years though I was working out of the country for much of that time. I ended the relationship as I realised we'd grown apart and I just wasn't in love with her. She was very upset at first, then seemed to understand. I had hoped we would be able to continue as friends at first but then realised she still wanted a relationship with me. She texted me frequently asking why I had ended it. I was completely honest with her but kind at the same time but she'd just respond with "but why?" so I stopped responding.

angelfire9

OP Go to the Gardai!
I spoke to my hubby about this last night and discovered (though I should have bloody well known it myself) that Harassment (which is what this girl is doing) is actually an offence in law contrary to Section 10 of the Non Fatal Offences Against The Person's Act 1997

http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/1997/en/act/pub/0026/sec0010.html#sec10

Harassment.
10.—(1) Any person who, without lawful authority or reasonable excuse, by any means including by use of the telephone, harasses another by persistently following, watching, pestering, besetting or communicating with him or her, shall be guilty of an offence.
(2) For the purposes of this section a person harasses another where—
(a) he or she, by his or her acts intentionally or recklessly, seriously interferes with the other's peace and privacy or causes alarm, distress or harm to the other, and
(b) his or her acts are such that a reasonable person would realise that the acts would seriously interfere with the other's peace and privacy or cause alarm, distress or harm to the other.

Go to the Gardai, make a complaint have them investigate it and even if there isn't enough evidence to convict (and there should be if your friends stand up for you) if she knows it is being investigated she should back off

Do this NOW
Do not wait until she goes off her rocker and there ends up being an assault of some kind
I speak from experience
My ex assaulted me was convicted under section 4 of same act and now 10 years later if I meet him on the street I would literally cross the road rather than pass him as he still scares me

magneticimpulse

Kastielz wrote: »

OP & Mods, I'm sorry I don't have anything constructive to add, the other posters seem to have it covered.

But I've been reading through this thread and there's one thing seriously annoying me. To the posters moaning about the OP having it all in his head after being dumped by her, why don't you try actually reading the OP? He broke up with her, then she started all this odd behavior. I know it's a long post but the info is in the first few lines ffs.

No he broke up with the 1st ex....the 2nd ex broke it up with him because she was paranoid about the 1st ex being in the same pub and out all the time. She told this to OP and before OP didnt even notice any of this...now he is paranoid about the 1st ex and still in contact with 2nd ex...in meantime he not very into new gf but whatever and is still heartbroken about 2nd ex and annoyed 1st ex is hanging out with their friends all the time.

magneticimpulse

angelfire9 wrote: »

OP Go to the Gardai!
I spoke to my hubby about this last night and discovered (though I should have bloody well known it myself) that Harassment (which is what this girl is doing) is actually an offence in law contrary to Section 10 of the Non Fatal Offences Against The Person's Act 1997

http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/1997/en/act/pub/0026/sec0010.html#sec10



Go to the Gardai, make a complaint have them investigate it and even if there isn't enough evidence to convict (and there should be if your friends stand up for you) if she knows it is being investigated she should back off

Do this NOW
Do not wait until she goes off her rocker and there ends up being an assault of some kind
I speak from experience
My ex assaulted me was convicted under section 4 of same act and now 10 years later if I meet him on the street I would literally cross the road rather than pass him as he still scares me

Yes but a lot of the law in Ireland is centered around living with people. The OP is not living with his ex. She can prove she has a new boyfriend. As someone else said...someone must have invited her to the holidays in NI and in Spain....as otherwise how would she have found out?

Ive had experience with the gardai and ex boyfriend. Seriously they cannot do anything at all. There are shootings in Ireland every other week and drug people running around.

As for assaulting him? She has not shown any form of agression towards the ex, why would she suddenly flip? As for ex in news assaulting people...there are 4 million people in Ireland and about 68 million people in the UK. People are prob referring to posts about 1 incident which happens a year where an ex tries to murder their previous partner. 1 out of 72 million people, really isnt that much. You have more chances getting run over in a car or plane crash. The NEWS hypes up these stories that we think ex's are going to murder etc.

Unless the ex has laser eyes which can burn people, so far she has not been abusive or agressive. They live in a small town and happen to get on with the same friends...someone has obviously invited her to the pub and holidays

trio

OP, I understand if you don't want to go down the Gardai or parents route - but you do need some back up here from your group of friends.

They sound like a nice bunch of people, and if they're that sick of her you'd be preaching to the choir. It wouldn't take much for them to see how this is affecting your current relationship.

So get the friends together, and agree on a course of action. Including the cousin's girlfriend by the way - you may not want her in on it but she has to be. And to be honest, if she is colluding with the ex you really need the cousins gf to know your side of the story. She may very well believe you - at the very least it'll make her realise that it's not a black and white situation and you are genuinely upset. She may stop being such a bitch to you, at any rate.

You've been dealing with this so far in a bit of a vacuum. You've talked to your brother a bit about it and maybe the others, but you haven't been clear enough, obviously. You'll have to spell it out that it's stopping you going out with them and that upsets you terribly.

As regards your grandmothers and parents - you know them better than us and if you can't talk to them, then fair enough. We don't know how bad your relationship is. But I think you should ask one of your brothers to have a word with your parents and let them know how much she is upsetting the whole group. All of them. The one that gets on best with them should do this, obviously.

Now there's very little that your parents can do to stop someone calling round to be honest. In films people refuse to open the door and tell people they're not welcome and all that crack, but the older generation down the country would be horrified at such a thought. So she may still call around, and she'll be let in and offered tea - and I'm not sure you can stop that. BUT if your brother plants a germ of doubt in your parents heads and they stop being her biggest fan, then at least you'll have the consolation of knowing that they have doubts about her.

Re your grandmothers - not much you can do about that, tbh. Trying to stop the visits there would cause a lot of drama. They're too old for drama, and undoubtedly enjoy the attentions of a young wan. Just be grateful that you don't live with them and don't have to be there at the time.

So get together with your friends. Spell it out. Make sure your new gf is there too so she sees (unlike your ex) that you are fully trying to stop it.

And oh yeah - someone has to have a quiet word with the new boyfriend. Not you - he may think it's pettiness. However that may not solve anything - rather than trying to tackle it, he may decide to end it. But he's involved too, so deserves at least to have his opinion asked.

Good luck.

trebor28

op you say you dont want to be an asshole but maybe its time to be!!
she obviously isnt worried about being an asshole to you.

can you get one of your cousins or friend that your parents respect and would listen to and get them to explain the situation to them while in the company of some of your siblings and friends who will back you up?
surely they will have to listen then!

another thing you could possibly do but might not be to your taste is to ty and freeze her out of the group.
if ye let her know ye are going to such a pub and then head elsewhere.
if she does catch up with ye sit in a corner and try not let her into the circle.
if your gf goes to the toilet get the other girls to go and just stare back at her.

now this might be a bit extreme but what if ye pretended to go away on hols somewhere and get someone to let it slip to her so she also books that holiday and heads off on her own.
i know its quite harsh and you might not be able to do it cause of the guilt but would it be any worse than the way you are feeling now???

angelfire9

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Yes but a lot of the law in Ireland is centered around living with people. The OP is not living with his ex. She can prove she has a new boyfriend. As someone else said...someone must have invited her to the holidays in NI and in Spain....as otherwise how would she have found out?

This law has NOTHING to do with Family Law which is what you are talking about (family law covers co-habitation even where there are no children and no marriage)

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Ive had experience with the gardai and ex boyfriend. Seriously they cannot do anything at all. There are shootings in Ireland every other week and drug people running around.

If the OP makes an official complaint of harassment the Gardai HAVE TO investigate it!

magneticimpulse wrote: »

As for assaulting him? She has not shown any form of agression towards the ex, why would she suddenly flip?

I don't know but people do, my ex did and came damn close to killing me! He choked me and left me unconscious cos he thought he'd succeeded in killing me! It does happen, alot of these cases go unreported because the victim is afraid to go to court I know I was TERRIFIED of my ex (still am) but the Gardai were brilliant as was my new BF at the time (now my hubby) and my family were very supportive as well

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Unless the ex has laser eyes which can burn people, so far she has not been abusive or agressive. They live in a small town and happen to get on with the same friends...someone has obviously invited her to the pub and holidays

Section 2 A of Act previously quoted:

For the purposes of this section a person harasses another where—
(a) he or she, by his or her acts intentionally or recklessly, seriously interferes with the other's peace and privacy or causes alarm, distress or harm to the other, and

Is the OP not distressed? Is his peace and/or privacy not interfered with??

fionav3

Well posted, Angelfire. And you are living proof that these things do happen and that stalking needs to be taken more seriously. Sorry to hear you went through such an awful ordeal with your ex.

magneticimpulse

angelfire9 wrote: »

This law has NOTHING to do with Family Law which is what you are talking about (family law covers co-habitation even where there are no children and no marriage)


If the OP makes an official complaint of harassment the Gardai HAVE TO investigate it!


I don't know but people do, my ex did and came damn close to killing me! He choked me and left me unconscious cos he thought he'd succeeded in killing me! It does happen, alot of these cases go unreported because the victim is afraid to go to court I know I was TERRIFIED of my ex (still am) but the Gardai were brilliant as was my new BF at the time (now my hubby) and my family were very supportive as well




Section 2 A of Act previously quoted:

Is the OP not distressed? Is his peace and/or privacy not interfered with??

Well in my case, nothing was ever done about it. I live abroad and was due to return back to Ireland the beginning of this year. I happened to be out on Valentines Day on a date when I bumped into my ex. Didnt say anything to him...and continued with date. Anyway Gardai call me a few days later saying my ex complained saying i was "STALKING" him...I told the Gardai that I didnt live in Ireland and that this wasnt possible and if anything I had been out with someone else and by chance saw ex. Gardai said, ok fair enough. Seriously thought it was one of his mates taking the piss. I later rang the Gardai again, and they said I had no crimial record but that my ex did. So really that says alot!!

My ex had been contacting my family and friends saying to stay away from me, that I was a nutter. The Gardai adviced me if he continued to do this that I should make a statement back at him. Seriously my ex was complete and uther paranoid nutter, who got the whole Fatal Attraction thing in his head. I seriously hope he has finally got a grip of himself

Anyway...sometimes, guys can think girls are "stalking" them because the term is thrown around alot these days. As with me I was with someone else. But ex still thought he'd try and destroy my life and get Gardai involved for no reason. So far this story seems similar. In that the ex has a new boyfriend and is enjoying time with him and friends and the OP seems to just have it in his head.

Neyite

anyone who says the gardai would not take this seriously does our gardai a disservice. they are professionals who will treat this with respect. they might advise you, once they have listened that there is not much that they can do - fair enough - but gardai can give good advice, and the main point is to get it on record.

i have done this with an ex, and i was treated with the utmost of respect, and this was advised by a womens shelter. thankfully nothing else happend, but the reason behind logging a statement is to have a historical record in case things escalate.

i know a guy whos ex really tormented him in a similar fashion and he was treated with respect by the gardai when he went to report it. his ex was accusing him of very serious lies that would have destroyed his life. she harrassed his girlfriend and they were deeply in love, but the constant harrassment and fear finally took its toll.

remember, its not only the OP that is being intimidated here. there are two girls who are uncomfortable with this behaviour from the OPs ex. one uncomfortable enough to leave the OP. the other sounds like she is not far behind.

how easy is it for the ex to accuse the OP of something like rape? mud sticks and he needs to ensure that the gardai have a previous statement of oddball behaviour on her in case she escalates her behaviour.

magneticimpulse

Neyite wrote: »

anyone who says the gardai would not take this seriously does our gardai a disservice. they are professionals who will treat this with respect. they might advise you, once they have listened that there is not much that they can do - fair enough - but gardai can give good advice, and the main point is to get it on record.

i have done this with an ex, and i was treated with the utmost of respect, and this was advised by a womens shelter. thankfully nothing else happend, but the reason behind logging a statement is to have a historical record in case things escalate.

i know a guy whos ex really tormented him in a similar fashion and he was treated with respect by the gardai when he went to report it. his ex was accusing him of very serious lies that would have destroyed his life. she harrassed his girlfriend and they were deeply in love, but the constant harrassment and fear finally took its toll.

remember, its not only the OP that is being intimidated here. there are two girls who are uncomfortable with this behaviour from the OPs ex. one uncomfortable enough to leave the OP. the other sounds like she is not far behind.

how easy is it for the ex to accuse the OP of something like rape? mud sticks and he needs to ensure that the gardai have a previous statement of oddball behaviour on her in case she escalates her behaviour.

This is well and good and i agree when someone is being stalked. But how do you really know? If the ex was ringing him, emailing him, talking to him...then you might say she was stalking him.

But what if its like my case, where my ex seemed to have gotten angry to see me out with another man and decided to make up stories and report it to the Gardai?? What then? You think I should be left on record, because I didnt have a chance to put my side of the story across (i cant as i dont even live in Ireland). I didnt even live in Ireland and was still accused of stalking someone...I just dont like how these terms are used willy nilly.

The ex has not been abusive or angry or said anything wrong. Thats why I think its unfair that she should be left with a record on file??

Also the OP has alternative issues. His 2nd ex...who if she really liked him, would not have dumped him. I mean come on...if she was so concerned about saving the relationship she would have discussed it before dumping him. I think he just taking it out on his 1st ex that his 2nd ex dumped him.

Nevyn

magneticimpulse you have made your point, this is not a forum for debating and persisting in being argumenative is not helpful.

angelfire9

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Ive had experience with the gardai and ex boyfriend. Seriously they cannot do anything at all.

And yet....

magneticimpulse wrote: »

..... Anyway Gardai call me a few days later saying my ex complained saying i was "STALKING" him...

And also....

magneticimpulse wrote: »

My ex had been contacting my family and friends saying to stay away from me, that I was a nutter. The Gardai adviced me if he continued to do this that I should make a statement back at him.

Anyone else see a contradiction here?

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I later rang the Gardai again, and they said I had no crimial record but that my ex did. So really that says alot!!

Sorry Mods but this is one statement I can't ignore
I sincerely doubt that any Garda will tell a civilian over the phone about someone else's criminal record!!

magneticimpulse wrote: »

This is well and good and i agree when someone is being stalked. But how do you really know? If the ex was ringing him, emailing him, talking to him...then you might say she was stalking him.
.

What is happening to the OP is pretty much the statutory definition of harassment!
And an investigation by the Gardai will prove or disprove it anyway, that is kinda what they do for a living and they are fairly good at it!!

magneticimpulse

angelfire9 wrote: »

Sorry Mods but this is one statement I can't ignore I sincerely doubt that any Garda will tell a civilian over the phone about someone else's criminal record!!

Yes they did...as if you ring the Gardai, you have to confirm the person you are contacting about. To do this they ask for the persons name and date of birth. Then they gave me his address and I confirmed it was the same person. Then they said I did not have any criminal record but that he did.The reason being, that my name did not come up in any Gardai records...but his had on a few occassions. So the Gardai told me not to worry about it (obviously I was concerned as I didnt want a criminal record for just accidently being in the same pub as ex).

Anyway thats nothing to do with OP. Just my advice, that he may report his 1st ex to the Gardai, but then she will obviously tell the Gardai that she was invited to these holiday events and is living her life with her new boyfriend. It would be different of course if she was calling around to his house and hasnt gotten on with her life. But im just saying I think she seems to have moved on with her life and giving my advice to OP...that since talking to his friends has not achieved anything, he may want to look into living in another city for a while.
Although she is calling around to his family and friends...if they also reported they felt harassement from her then something might be done about it. But so far his family seems happy to see her and his friends also enjoy the free lifts she gives them to the pub....so it depends on that. OP would need to get all his friends to report her. I think with his statement alone, there is not much to go by.

Silverfish

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Im sorry but Ickle Magoo has somehow edited my posts without my permission...is this allowed? How can they access my account without my permission? And how can they change what i have wrote??

Your account was not accessed. Moderators have the facility to edit posts. Ickle Magoo hit 'Edit' instead of 'Quote'.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

No youve changed my post...theres bits missing to it!!

I have restored the original post.

angelfire9

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Yes they did...as if you ring the Gardai, you have to confirm the person you are contacting about. To do this they ask for the persons name and date of birth. Then they gave me his address and I confirmed it was the same person. Then they said I did not have any criminal record but that he did.The reason being, that my name did not come up in any Gardai records...but his had on a few occassions. So the Gardai told me not to worry about it (obviously I was concerned as I didnt want a criminal record for just accidently being in the same pub as ex).

If this is true and I doubt it then the Garda in question would be in serious trouble
Under the Data Protection Act they should not provide information to a 3rd party regarding a criminal conviction!
I have spoken to both my husband and father (both Gardai) and both confirmed same
Am posting query regarding this in the Emergency Services Forum
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056008048
We can discuss further on this thread^^^ or via PM if you want

(Sorry Mod's for hijacking this thread)

Nevyn

Further Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

angelfire9

Thaedydal wrote: »

Further Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Apologies

Best of luck to the OP in this horrible horrible situation
Only you can tell if you feel this warrants a visit to the Garda Station that is for you alone to decide and I wish you the very best of luck with it!
Do talk to your family & friends as well though and see if you can come up with a less confrontational way of dealing with things
Keep the chin up!
Ang