The eternal p0rn question

LegacyUser · 20-08-2010 9:39am #1

I know this has been discussed here before but I just want to get fresh perspectives on it please.

Myself & my boyfriend have been together a year, moved in together a while back & are very much in love. However he watches porn on the internet which I find hard to deal with. I know it probably reflects insecurity on my part but I just think if people are in a loving relationship with a good sex life, then why do they need extra stimulation?
I used to watch a bit myself when I was single but I have no desire to do so now, so why does he need to do this? He says that all men do it and that it's nothing to do with us, but I cant help thinking that there must be something he's missing from our relationship if he has to get it from p0rn. I also feel so insecure about myself knowing that he's looking at women with big boobs & great figures when I'm nothing like that.

How do I get over this? I cant stop him watching it & dont want to be laying down the law to him anyway on what he can or cant do, but it's causing a problem between us as he knows I'm unhappy with him doing it so he's starting to get defensive. I'm also more self conscious when having sex as I cant help but think he's comparing me to what he's seen online. I dont want to let this come between us as we're great together otherwise.

All input appreciated thanks.

LegacyUser · 20-08-2010 10:15am

Hey OP,

I'm with you on this one, looking at another women's genitalia and boobs and watching some other girl get ****ed is pretty much cheating as far as I'm concerned. If it's not something he's willing to stop and it's not something you can just let go I would just walk away from this one.

Best of luck.

mitsy · 20-08-2010 10:19am

Hi there OP, i know exactly how you feel and i know you have so many conflicting thoughts like you dont want to nag him over it but it is hurting you deeply in so many ways that you cant ignore it and you cant let it go.

I was in exactly the same situation, ex bf visited porn sites every night of the week (for nearly 3 years that i was with him), he said it was escapism, it was routine, it was nothing and it meant nothing but it hurt me so much. I questioned everything about myself, was he attracted to me, did i not do enough for him, was it my body etc etc etc. I constantly tried to justify his behaviour and his need to look at porn until finally i couldnt take it anymore, it took too much of a toll on how i felt about myself so i ended the relationship.

The way i look at it is, your bf is continuing on with behaviour that is hurting you and he is is fully aware of how much it hurts you and yet he continues on with it.

I would talk to him again about it, explain exactly how it is making you feel and suggest doing other things together. He needs to recognise this is a serious issue in your relationship and he needs to do something about it before it is too late.

ManOfMystery · 20-08-2010 10:30am

anonononon wrote: »

Hey OP,

I'm with you on this one, looking at another women's genitalia and boobs and watching some other girl get ****ed is pretty much cheating as far as I'm concerned.

I'm sorry, but that's an absolutely ridiculous comment. There are many many men in healthy marriage and partnerships who look at porn (sometimes WITH their partner) but would never thinking of cheating on them or betraying them. How you can classify it like that is beyond me.

If a woman thus ogles some naked guy in Sex and The City, or in whatever magazine she's reading, is that akin to cheating too? Is it going down the wrong path?

@ OP - as a male who has looked at porn, I can obviously understand what your boyfriend means when he says it's got nothing to do with your relationship or anything lacking in it. Him looking at porn is pure fantasy, nothing more. Women in general can fantasise very easily without stimulus like that, but men are more visual creatures hence why there's a huge availability of videos, top shelf magazines and porn websites out there.

Nevertheless, I would agree that if it's making you unhappy, then he really needs to have a think about why he has to continue doing it.

Also, what kind of frequency are you talking about - is he looking at porn every day, once a week, once a month? I think that has a huge bearing on this issue too.

StarryMoon0 · 20-08-2010 10:37am

I know exactly how you feel. Trust me, husband is in treatment for sex addiction. Sex addiction is not simply having lots of sex, its many things, anything "sexual".. one can be viewing porn. Not trying to say he has an addiction though, please don't think that, I'm merely saying this type of thing exists.

Firstly: Its a lie that ALL guys watch/look at porn. That is called a "rationalisation". Its his excuse.

Secondly: If his urge/desire to watch porn means more to him than having a happy meaningful relationship with you, then something is wrong. If an activity hurts: yourself, someone you love, affects your job or social status, then its a problem.

Thirdly and most important: This is NO reflection on YOU WHATSOEVER. Men with the most amazingly beautiful women will do this type of thing. Its not he women he's looking at, its the "kick" he gets from it. If he likes or "needs" to look at porn, it wouldn't matter if you were Miss Universe. I'm truly sad for you, as I know exacty what it feels like. I used to think: am i not good enough for him? am i not pretty enough? does he not love me enough?
My self esteem and confidence hit rock bottom. How do you compete with an image on a screen?? You can't. You shouldn't have to, and you don't need to.
I tried to be prettier, thinner, sexier, more adventerous in bed..nothing worked. I then punished and withheld myself form him, it didn't work.
This went on for about 5 years and almost destroyed me. Do not let this destroy you. You are perfect and beautiful just the way you are, and no matter what you do, he won't stop unless he wants to, or see's he needs to.

Have an honest chat with him, if he cannot/will not see that this is affecting you, then you have some thinking to do hun. Trust me, it won't magically go away..it sits in the mind untill you think you are going crazy

Please look after yourself.

LegacyUser · 20-08-2010 10:46am

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I'm sorry, but that's an absolutely ridiculous comment. There are many many men in healthy marriage and partnerships who look at porn (sometimes WITH their partner) but would never thinking of cheating on them or betraying them. How you can classify it like that is beyond me.

If a woman thus ogles some naked guy in Sex and The City, or in whatever magazine she's reading, is that akin to cheating too? Is it going down the wrong path?

That's the type of rationalisation that guys who watch porn use. Comparing porn and Sex and the City is just pathetic. Having your OH watch a girl be ****ed is cheating plain and simple. It doesn't matter what you and other guys who watch porn can come up with to justify it, it's cheating, end of. And the fact the OP OH knows how upset she is over it and continues to do it is adding insult to injury. I wouldn't put up with it OP, I'd be walking if he didn't stop.

StarryMoon0 · 20-08-2010 10:47am

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I'm sorry, but that's an absolutely ridiculous comment. There are many many men in healthy marriage and partnerships who look at porn (sometimes WITH their partner) but would never thinking of cheating on them or betraying them. How you can classify it like that is beyond me.

If its happening alot, and the OH is hurt by it .. it is like cheating. Its a betrayal of trust.

ManOfMystery wrote: »

If a woman thus ogles some naked guy in Sex and The City, or in whatever magazine she's reading, is that akin to cheating too? Is it going down the wrong path?

All depends, a lot of guys who look at porn also masturbate to it. Its one thing to look at someone and say "oh i'd fancy some of that" .. another thing to stare at it/ fatasize about it and get off on it.. thats where its kinda like cheating. Not saying we don't all fantasize, thats common, and harmless as long as it doesn't interfere with your relationship.

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Nevertheless, I would agree that if it's making you unhappy, then he really needs to have a think about why he has to continue doing it.

Also, what kind of frequency are you talking about - is he looking at porn every day, once a week, once a month? I think that has a huge bearing on this issue too.

I think thats the issue, she is unhappy about it and he's not taking her seriously.
You are also right about the frequency, a couple times a year is just simple curiosity and fantasy ... if he's doing it frequently, then a question has to be asked about why he is doing it.

Ickle Magoo · 20-08-2010 11:10am

If it's affecting your relationship and how you view your boyfriend then it's an issue and one that you need to discuss with him. Everyone has different boundaries and a different idea of what is and isn't acceptable within a relationship, there are not really any rights or wrongs - only what's right or wrong for you.

If it's causing you to rethink your relationship then you need to let your boyfriend know that, perhaps he has to rethink his priorities, be more discrete, or have the option to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't mind - just as you have to decide what you are prepared to live with or not. The only way to work out a compromise or solution is to talk it out.

Best of luck.

20-08-2010 11:15am

I don't see the issue, once it's not a porn addiction. If he's avoiding doing other things so he can sit and watch porn, or its replacing your sex life, then maybe you should worry, but if it's just now and then to whack one off, who cares really?

Virgil° · 20-08-2010 11:17am

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

If its happening alot, and the OH is hurt by it .. it is like cheating. Its a betrayal of trust.

What the hell are you on about? How is it a betrayal of trust? He never made it a secret in the first place and has been completely open about it all along.

All depends, a lot of guys who look at porn also masturbate to it. Its one thing to look at someone and say "oh i'd fancy some of that" .. another thing to stare at it/ fatasize about it and get off on it.. thats where its kinda like cheating. Not saying we don't all fantasize, thats common, and harmless as long as it doesn't interfere with your relationship.

Its not like cheating. AT ALL. If we were to go by your logic then most men(and women too id wager) are constantly cheating on their OH's and as a result their relationships should fail. I wonder why they havent?
And the only reason its "interfering" with their relationship is because the OP is getting her back up about it.

I think thats the issue, she is unhappy about it and he's not taking her seriously.
You are also right about the frequency, a couple times a year is just simple curiosity and fantasy ... if he's doing it frequently, then a question has to be asked about why he is doing it.

Hes not taking it seriously because the OP is being insecure. She admits as much in her own post. If he stops masturbating because she doesn't like it we're on to a slippery slope. What if she doesn't like the way he glances at other women? Should he take that seriously and stop that too?

Most men masturbate frequently.You'll be hard pressed to find one that doesn't do so on at least a somewhat regular basis. Why is he doing it?
Because thats what most men do. We don't think about it. For alot of men its akin to scratching an itch. It isn't feasible or realistic to expect sex every time we feel that itch. Its nothing more than that.

If i were you OP id ignore this rubbish advise about masturbating being like cheating. I guarantee you that its a one way ticket to dumpsville were you to bring that up with the majority of men.
You said it yourself, you've got a good sex life and are in love.So porn isn't interfering.
You've got an insecurity. Work on that and dont hassle your boyfriend further on this unless you want your relationship to end.

Virgil° · 20-08-2010 11:23am

Double post

Jumpy · 20-08-2010 11:27am

anononononon wrote: »

That's the type of rationalisation that guys who watch porn use. Comparing porn and Sex and the City is just pathetic. Having your OH watch a girl be ****ed is cheating plain and simple. It doesn't matter what you and other guys who watch porn can come up with to justify it, it's cheating, end of. And the fact the OP OH knows how upset she is over it and continues to do it is adding insult to injury. I wouldn't put up with it OP, I'd be walking if he didn't stop.

Ah yes. The ol "End of".

Thank you for your opinion, we will keep it on record to occasionally laugh at it when discussing militant catholic values.

OP, unfortuantely the regular advice you will get from this forum is "break up". Its generally advisable in most circumstances to assume that people giving such advice are young and naiive and unfamiliar with working relationships.
Needless to say, the Stop It Or I Walk path is unneccesary if you have the ability to talk to each other.
In rare cases some sort of moderator such as a relationship counsellor would be advised.
But its very tiring always seeing the recommendation to "break up" on this forum.
It should always be the last option and never an ultimatum.

mitsy · 20-08-2010 11:42am

Virgil, Jumpy i dont find your responses particularly helpful, in fact they sound defensive.....what have you got to be defensive about if watching porn everyday at the expense of your OH feelings and your relationship is considered normal. Everyone on the planet has insecurities about something or other and we all work on them every single day so i am sorry but your argument that it is the OPs problem is a typical response when you dont want to acknowledge that in fact it might be your own behaviour that is the issue.

Masturbation is completely normal and natural and i would never have a problem with my OH doing that but seeking out porn every single day is not acceptable if it is causing problems in the relationship. Thats the issue. If it is causing the OP to feel bad about herself and her relationship with her bf then it is a problem and needs to be addressed.

LegacyUser · 20-08-2010 12:27pm

mitsy wrote: »

Virgil, Jumpy i dont find your responses particularly helpful, in fact they sound defensive.....what have you got to be defensive about if watching porn everyday at the expense of your OH feelings and your relationship is considered normal. Everyone on the planet has insecurities about something or other and we all work on them every single day so i am sorry but your argument that it is the OPs problem is a typical response when you dont want to acknowledge that in fact it might be your own behaviour that is the issue.

Masturbation is completely normal and natural and i would never have a problem with my OH doing that but seeking out porn every single day is not acceptable if it is causing problems in the relationship. Thats the issue. If it is causing the OP to feel bad about herself and her relationship with her bf then it is a problem and needs to be addressed.

Misty I suggest because YOU dont find them helpful, you pay more attention to them, and not just advise you agree with.

@ OP
Porn is an issue for for the OP, thats your insecurity, please heed my advice that YOU need to work on that.

However I am in agreement that everyday for the OH is excess, and that he isnt being sensitive to the your insecurities, He needs to reflect on that and BOTH of you need more open and honest communication around it. (and I dont me accusation or confrontational discussions)

Virgil° · 20-08-2010 1:07pm

mitsy wrote: »

Virgil, Jumpy i dont find your responses particularly helpful, in fact they sound defensive.....what have you got to be defensive about if watching porn everyday at the expense of your OH feelings and your relationship is considered normal. Everyone on the planet has insecurities about something or other and we all work on them every single day so i am sorry but your argument that it is the OPs problem is a typical response when you dont want to acknowledge that in fact it might be your own behaviour that is the issue.

Just because you dont find it helpful doesn't mean it isn't.While it might not be what you or the OP happen to agree with doesn't mean its not good advice. This is the OP's issue and my advise to her is to work on her insecurity before it ruins what seems to be otherwise the perfect relationship.
Maybe i did seem a tad defensive but only because i was so gobsmacked that regular masturbation was being equated to having sex with another woman. Which is quite frankly, nothing short of ludicrous.

Masturbation is completely normal and natural and i would never have a problem with my OH doing that but seeking out porn every single day is not acceptable if it is causing problems in the relationship. Thats the issue. If it is causing the OP to feel bad about herself and her relationship with her bf then it is a problem and needs to be addressed.

it definitely does need to be addressed. But not by the OP's partner. She says they have a good sex life and romantic life apart from this.
And masturbating to porn everyday,while more regular than myself, isn't unheard of in young males.
If she puts the foot down here then all thats going to happen is hes not going to tell her about it in future. And that in turn could lead to the OP's boyfriend feeling he cant talk to her about intimate things for fear of getting her back up. Which would be a bigger problem than they currently have.

sbsquarepants · 20-08-2010 1:13pm

I think this is just a male/female divide thing.
No ALL men don't look at porn but the vast, vast majority do. I work in a company with a 95% male workforce and there is ALWAYS some shape or form of porn doing the rounds, either a magazine or dvd or on someones phone or laptop or whatever. Practically all the men will look at it if the opportunity arises and to compare it to cheating is total rubbish!
Where do you draw the line? Is looking at page 3 akin to cheating? Music videos? There is no comparrison whatsover.

Rufus the brave · 20-08-2010 2:02pm

I used to watch a lot of porn but actually made a conscious effort to give up. And like giving up smoking, I felt great

. Emm yeah i don't think it's too healthy to watch it every day for 3 years, but i suppose it depends on what you expect from a relationship

Rufus the brave · 20-08-2010 2:04pm

Elisa Acidic Fish wrote: »

but if it's just now and then to whack one off, who cares really?

Does every single day for 3 years count as "now and again" in your book, Izzy? The guy's a porn hound

alpha2010 · 20-08-2010 2:13pm

I allowed my bf to watch porn while I was dating him but only for the first few months, then I started to notice that he wasn't in the mood for sex some nights because he had just watched porn and you know the rest.. I talked to him about it and asked why did he watched it, he said it was just a routine.

What made me ask him to stop was actually finding a porn video saved on his computer. It just kind of made me insecure. I know its not a big deal but its not my fault that I felt that way. I asked him to stop and he did. 2 years later he hasn't looked at it since...

just talk to him and explain your situation, if he is understanding then he will stop. Sure every now and again, you both can watch it together

Zen65 · 20-08-2010 2:35pm

confusssed wrote: »

I know it probably reflects insecurity on my part but I just think if people are in a loving relationship with a good sex life, then why do they need extra stimulation?

Yes, most certainly the heart of the matter here is your insecurity. It is not unusual for a man to look for additional stimulation which he can control (including porn, masterbation, or other foibles) and it is not in any way related to the woman (or man!) he is with. But he does not need this stimulation, it's simply a matter of choice. What pornography offers a man is stimulation exactly matched to mood and opportunity, and delivered in a way that is "to order". From a man's perspective, it is like take-away!

To think that he compares you to any of the air-brushed images on the internet is fundamentally wrong. Unless he's an idiot, he does not make this comparison at all. In fact, since he currently has both, the idea of a comparison would seem pointless to him.

You could talk to him, and ask him to stop, and he may agree, but.....

Do you believe he would then switch to doing this secretly?

Would you feel threatened / insecure that he's actually thinking of "mental porn" when he masterbates? ... or when you're having sex with him?
I'm guessing he is still of that age when he is likely to masterbate regardless of how much sex he has?

Would you feel insecure about him watching a movie (or music video) which featured scantily-clad women? Is he comparing them to you??

Would you feel insecure going to an event where there are models in tight clothing draped suggestively over cars/ sofas/ whatever-else-they-sell at the event?

I think the posts which are here telling you to leave him are posted on the basis of other experiences, not your situation. Yes, some men use pornography and cheat, some men use pornography and have a sex addiction, but you have not posted enough information here for any of us to judge what's really going on with your bf. What seems clear however (your own words) is that you have insecurity issues and I wonder if these might be giving you an altered perspective on what might in fact be nothing more than a guy looking at porn for the same reason a dog licks his own privates..... because he can.

You bf is with you, by choice. You say yourself it is a loving relationship. If you believe this, then why feel threatened? If it's not affecting your sex life (apart from your worries/ concerns) then is it really a problem? At the end of the day, only you can decide that.

Be at peace,

Z

Sleepy · 20-08-2010 2:47pm

Wow, some very insecure young ladies in these parts...

OP, unless your other half is actually turning down sex with you to use porn, there's nothing to be worried about. Porn is something the vast majority of men watch and use (with or without their partners) and no amount of sisters doing for themselves, sex and the city pseudo logic, justification or mind control bull**** will change that. "Ban" a man from watching porn and he'll do it behind your back, dump you or find another outlet for the sexual tension he uses the porn to release.

StarryMoon0 · 20-08-2010 2:56pm

Virgil° wrote: »

What the hell are you on about? How is it a betrayal of trust? He never made it a secret in the first place and has been completely open about it all along.

Its not like cheating. AT ALL. If we were to go by your logic then most men(and women too id wager) are constantly cheating on their OH's and as a result their relationships should fail. I wonder why they havent?
And the only reason its "interfering" with their relationship is because the OP is getting her back up about it.

Hes not taking it seriously because the OP is being insecure. She admits as much in her own post. If he stops masturbating because she doesn't like it we're on to a slippery slope. What if she doesn't like the way he glances at other women? Should he take that seriously and stop that too?

Most men masturbate frequently.You'll be hard pressed to find one that doesn't do so on at least a somewhat regular basis. Why is he doing it?
Because thats what most men do. We don't think about it. For alot of men its akin to scratching an itch. It isn't feasible or realistic to expect sex every time we feel that itch. Its nothing more than that.

If i were you OP id ignore this rubbish advise about masturbating being like cheating. I guarantee you that its a one way ticket to dumpsville were you to bring that up with the majority of men.
You said it yourself, you've got a good sex life and are in love.So porn isn't interfering.
You've got an insecurity. Work on that and dont hassle your boyfriend further on this unless you want your relationship to end.

Oh don't twist my words. Nothing wrong with masturbation, and i never said there was. Masturbation is not cheating, i didn't say that. Its a natural healthy part of life.
Looking at porn everyday and getting off on it is like cheating IMHO , and some other people see it that way as well. The point I was attempting to make was that if a woman sat and droolled over a guy while masturbating..then its no different, where as if if someone casually looks at someone its nothing of the sort.

If she has a hard time being intimate with him because of this, then it is affecting there relationship.
Don't hassle her boyfriend?? So she should shut up and feel unhappy then?

ManOfMystery · 20-08-2010 3:23pm

anononononon wrote: »

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I'm sorry, but that's an absolutely ridiculous comment. There are many many men in healthy marriage and partnerships who look at porn (sometimes WITH their partner) but would never thinking of cheating on them or betraying them. How you can classify it like that is beyond me.

If a woman thus ogles some naked guy in Sex and The City, or in whatever magazine she's reading, is that akin to cheating too? Is it going down the wrong path?

That's the type of rationalisation that guys who watch porn use. Comparing porn and Sex and the City is just pathetic. Having your OH watch a girl be ****ed is cheating plain and simple. It doesn't matter what you and other guys who watch porn can come up with to justify it, it's cheating, end of. And the fact the OP OH knows how upset she is over it and continues to do it is adding insult to injury. I wouldn't put up with it OP, I'd be walking if he didn't stop.

Again, this is absolute rubbish.

I suggest you go find a dictionary and look up the definition of cheating.

Watching someone else on a TV or laptop screen have sex is NOT cheating. At it's worst, it's voyeurism, but it will never be more than that.

And here's another thing for you : I don't need to rationalise my use of porn, and I'm sure most other guys don't either. If I want to watch it, I will. Fortunately for me, my partner is not so narrow-minded, judgemental and straight-laced that she would ever, ever even insinuate that I'm 'cheating' on her.

Virgil° · 20-08-2010 3:24pm

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

Oh don't twist my words. Nothing wrong with masturbation, and i never said there was. Masturbation is not cheating, i didn't say that. Its a natural healthy part of life.
Looking at porn everyday and getting off on it is like cheating IMHO , and some other people see it that way as well. The point I was attempting to make was that if a woman sat and droolled over a guy while masturbating..then its no different, where as if if someone casually looks at someone its nothing of the sort.

Fine, i misquoted, however implying that masturbation while watching porn on a regular basis is like cheating is nearly if not equally as ridiculous a comparison.
Cheating is a horrible betrayal and in most cases a dumpable offence.
If the OP were to take your line of thinking she'd probably never have a relationship ever again.

If she has a hard time being intimate with him because of this, then it is affecting there relationship.
Don't hassle her boyfriend?? So she should shut up and feel unhappy then?

So quick you were to jump in, damning porn, that you missed the part in the OP's post where she said her sex and romantic life is good.
Yes she shouldn't hassle her boyfriend in this case. She should work on her insecurity and realise how good shes got it otherwise.

StarryMoon0 · 20-08-2010 3:41pm

Virgil° wrote: »

Fine, i misquoted, however implying that masturbation while watching porn on a regular basis is like cheating is nearly if not equally as ridiculous a comparison.
Cheating is a horrible betrayal and in most cases a dumpable offence.
If the OP were to take your line of thinking she'd probably never have a relationship ever again.

So quick you were to jump in, damning porn, that you missed the part in the OP's post where she said her sex and romantic life is good.
Yes she shouldn't hassle her boyfriend in this case. She should work on her insecurity and realise how good shes got it otherwise.

Look, we are not going to agree on if its cheating or not ok. We both have a right to our opinions. I'm not slamming you for your opinions, just trying to clarify my own.

As for the OP's original post. I quote:
"it's causing a problem between us as he knows I'm unhappy with him doing it so he's starting to get defensive. I'm also more self conscious when having sex as I cant help but think he's comparing me to what he's seen online. "

To me that sounds as if its affecting thier relationship.

I'm just saying if he is not willing to talk about it with her, or see how it hurts her, then there's an issue.

I agree with the other bits about porn being ok IF its not causeing it a problem. I agree that some couples use porn together. What TWO people consent to in a loving relationship is thier business. I'm not a raging purist here.

My main point is that it seems to be causeing a problem, so it needs to be addressed. If she was doing something he was upset about, I'd say the same thing to him. A relationship is about respect, and it works both ways.
Neither am I in the "she should up and leave" camp, but there is a point that when something crosses boundries, causes hurt, and causes one of the partners to question thier values , a serious look has to be taken.

Lux23 · 20-08-2010 3:44pm

The problem here isn't that the OP's partner watches porn its that she feels inadequate when compared to the big boobed, hot figures that he uses to get himself off occasionally. Which is understandable to a point but the OP really needs to deal with her own body issues before she forces her partner to give up porn. It is not cheating to watch it either nor is checking out a woman on the street, if you feel you can't trust your partner with women on a screen how can you deal with him out there is the real world.

OP your boyfriend clearly loves you, he lives with you and he must enjoy making love to you, your the woman he cuddles at night, your the one he goes to when hes upset. You have all that and your are in a happy realationship so why give it up because he wants to watch a bit of porn now and then. Lets face it he doesn't want to settle down with these women, hes with you so trust him and realise that despite what these women look like you always come out on top.

ApeXaviour · 20-08-2010 3:51pm

Must say I'm rather taken aback at the swathe of puritanical (/ radical feminist?) views given. I thought the majority of us were well past all of that.

Porn is just a masturbation aid. Expecting him to stop masturbating is beyond unreasonable. The reverse would be just as true (whether you do or don't being irrelevant).

You feel upset because the actors on video ostensibly have "better" (though that's subjective) bodies than you? This is irrational, and based upon your own insecurities. You can't lock him away in a room. He will see other women and find them attractive. Just as you will see other men who have better bodies (fancier cars, higher status, more money) than your bf, and you will find them attractive. You should both accept and come to terms with this fact.

How do you accept it? See your insecurities for what they are. Needy, immature and unreasonable. You'll be much happier, and he'll think much more of you for it.

Virgil° · 20-08-2010 3:58pm

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

Look, we are not going to agree on if its cheating or not ok. We both have a right to our opinions. I'm not slamming you for your opinions, just trying to clarify my own.

Bringing up the parallel between porn and cheating isn't helpful to the OP in the least though.If it were comparable to cheating then the advice i and many others would give is that she should dump him.
Thankfully this isn't the case. I doubt you'll find many men(or women for that matter) who agree with your opinion on this.

As for the OP's original post. I quote:
"it's causing a problem between us as he knows I'm unhappy with him doing it so he's starting to get defensive. I'm also more self conscious when having sex as I cant help but think he's comparing me to what he's seen online. "

To me that sounds as if its affecting thier relationship.

I'm just saying if he is not willing to talk about it with her, or see how it hurts her, then there's an issue.

I agree with the other bits about porn being ok IF its not causeing it a problem. I agree that some couples use porn together. What TWO people consent to in a loving relationship is thier business. I'm not a raging purist here.

My main point is that it seems to be causeing a problem, so it needs to be addressed. If she was doing something he was upset about, I'd say the same thing to him. A relationship is about respect, and it works both ways.
Neither am I in the "she should up and leave" camp, but there is a point that when something crosses boundries, causes hurt, and causes one of the partners to question thier values , a serious look has to be taken.

I never said it didn't need to be addressed. but just because the OP has a problem with her partners behaviour doesn't mean that the problem is his to solve.
In this case here, in as much as the OP has posted porn doesn't seem to be causing any problems other than the way she feels about it.
That is to say if she just realised that most men watch porn regularly-semi regularly and that it bears no reflection on his feelings towards her and as long as he isn't turning down sex in favour of porn then there simply is no problem.

Lux23 wrote:

The problem here isn't that the OP's partner watches porn its that she feels inadequate when compared to the big boobed, hot figures that he uses to get himself off occasionally. Which is understandable to a point but the OP really needs to deal with her own body issues before she forces her partner to give up porn. It is not cheating to watch it either nor is checking out a woman on the street, if you feel you can't trust your partner with women on a screen how can you deal with him out there is the real world.

OP your boyfriend clearly loves you, he lives with you and he must enjoy making love to you, your the woman he cuddles at night, your the one he goes to when hes upset. You have all that and your are in a happy realationship so why give it up because he wants to watch a bit of porn now and then. Lets face it he doesn't want to settle down with these women, hes with you so trust him and realise that despite what these women look like you always come out on top.

This is advice worth heeding OP.

seenitall · 20-08-2010 4:49pm

Lux23 wrote: »

if you feel you can't trust your partner with women on a screen how can you deal with him out there in the real world.

BINGO.

I actually feel for the OP; that amount of insecurity must be hellish to live with, and her bf probably doesn't have it much easier either. It's a pity.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser · 20-08-2010 4:57pm

ApeXaviour wrote: »

Must say I'm rather taken aback at the swathe of puritanical (/ radical feminist?) views given. I thought the majority of us were well past all of that.

It's not a radical feminist thing - no need to go berating feminism here. It's actually a puritanical/conservative thing, likely influenced by religious upbringing.

I'm a radical feminist (and female) and I like porn! I like masturbating to porn when my partner isn't around or sometimes we even watch it together and then have sex. He looks at porn when masturbating and if he comes across anything good will save it for me.

I would be concerned, however, over what type of porn one tends to watch. For instance, if my boyfriend was into porn that was really degrading to women then that's when I'd take offence. How could I not as a feminist? :-)

It is absolutely RIDICULOUS to call it cheating. It's a masturbation tool, pure and simple...no different to if your boyfriend was sitting there on his todd and **** off to a fantasy he created in his head. And you;re deluding yourself if you think the only thing he thinks about when wa*king is you! This is normal sexual behaviour.

If all he does is **** and watch porn then yeah, he has a problem. But if it's solely used for masturbation and it's not affecting your sex life or his life in general then it's all grand.

I think you should focus on building your self-esteem OP because if this bothers you then I can imagine him not even being comfortable to acknowledge an attractive woman on tv in your presence, which is again wrong.

Good luck.

Kimia · 20-08-2010 5:11pm

I too am really shocked by the uber-conservative views shown here. Let me ask you this ladies, if he masturbates while thinking of a famous woman, say Angelina Jolie, is that cheating? What about if he's looking at a picture of her and imagining what she looks like naked?

What about you? Do you think of your boyfriend every single time? Have you no fantasies whatsoever involving someone other than your other half?

I agree with the other sane views here, I would only have a problem with my bf watching porn if it was affecting our own sex life. Other than that, I have absolutely no right at all to dictate what he does with his thoughts, and I actually think it's very selfish of you to not give him the respect of trusting him with his own private fantasies. It's actually none of your business what he masturbates to, just like it's none of his when its you.

Chinafoot · 20-08-2010 5:15pm

Rufus the brave wrote: »

Does every single day for 3 years count as "now and again" in your book, Izzy? The guy's a porn hound

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

Looking at porn everyday and getting off on it is like cheating IMHO

Where the hell are people getting this "everyday" crap? Nowhere in the original post has the OP mentioned the frequency of her partners porn use.

Oh and to anyone who thinks its "cheating", I pity you and your partners.

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

If she has a hard time being intimate with him because of this, then it is affecting there relationship.
Don't hassle her boyfriend?? So she should shut up and feel unhappy then?

Its affecting their relationship because it is her issue and she is the one that needs to deal with it. Expecting your other half to stop looking at porn because of your own insecurities is incredibly childish and I would question whether the OP has the maturity to deal with an adult relationship. What happens if he sees a beautiful woman on tv/the street/a bar? Should he walk around with his eyes closed for fear of offending his girlfriend?

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

but there is a point that when something crosses boundries, causes hurt, and causes one of the partners to question thier values , a serious look has to be taken.

You're right, and here the serious look needs to be made by the OP. She needs to take a serious look at herself and figure out how she can overcome her insecurities, because thats what this is about. Her insecurities are going to damage their relationship and its entirely unfair and unreasonable to expect him to cease what is entirely normal behaviour in order to pander to her irrational fears.

lulu90 · 20-08-2010 8:50pm

I can't get over the narrow minded people that believe watching porn is cheating. If that's the case then I regularly cheat on my partner and he regularly cheats on me! I am female and don't see anything wrong with it. It's just a fantasy that men know will not happen in real life. Would you feel insecure going to a film with someone like Megan Fox in it? While she is not naked, movies often have sex scenes and plenty of sexual innuendo, etc.

OP, has your sex life been affected by your bf watching porn? Has he taken to watching porn and masturbating to it instead of having sex with you? If not then you have nothing to worry about. That is prob the first sign that he likes it a bit too much.

You say you have watched porn in the past when single. Well why not try and watch it with him, as a couple and for ye both get into it. There is couple friendly porn to watch even. I bet he'd find it a turn on for you both to watch it even. It might even work out to spice up your sex life.

Keep in mind that he is living with you and has chosen to give his love to you and not those girls on screen, so you clearly are doing more to float his boat than they ever could. I don't believe you should leave him like some other posters said. Ye sound so in love and like ye have something special. Good luck with your problem.

RodSteel · 20-08-2010 9:29pm

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

Oh don't twist my words. Nothing wrong with masturbation, and i never said there was. Masturbation is not cheating, i didn't say that. Its a natural healthy part of life.
Looking at porn everyday and getting off on it is like cheating IMHO , and some other people see it that way as well. The point I was attempting to make was that if a woman sat and droolled over a guy while masturbating..then its no different, where as if if someone casually looks at someone its nothing of the sort.

If she has a hard time being intimate with him because of this, then it is affecting there relationship.
Don't hassle her boyfriend?? So she should shut up and feel unhappy then?

With your attitude and insecurities regarding porn, I would question if your husband actually has a sex addiction just cause you say he has.
I would worry that he is only going for help cause you have backed him into a corner to get "reprogrammed" through counselling.
I obviously don't know him or what his history is or his side of the story but your opinions so far would kinda make me have my doubts.
I wonder have you ever thought of yourself as insecure as other some other posters here?
I could be totally wrong and your husband is out of control or maybe he is just out of control in your eyes and you have found a counsellor to agree with you?

You said that in your own words - Quote "My self esteem and confidence hit rock bottom. How do you compete with an image on a screen?? You can't. You shouldn't have to, and you don't need to."End Quote

No, normally most people dont compete with images in a fantasy world. Insecure people try to, or people who have confidence issues may have problems with images on screen or actresses etc. that appear to better looking than them or porn stars that are acting out a scene that is totally unreal.
This post is also directed at the OP so don't take it too personal.
I am not saying to you or the OP that you should like porn or condone it but maybe just realise that your other half just likes it for what it is (fantasy) and this may have no bearing what he thinks of you.

ApeXaviour · 20-08-2010 11:50pm

radfem wrote: »

It's not a radical feminist thing - no need to go berating feminism here. It's actually a puritanical/conservative thing, likely influenced by religious upbringing.

I'm a radical feminist (and female) and I like porn!

It comes down to semantics. I would suggest you might be a sex-positive feminist. I'm afraid it's asking too much for me to hold my tongue against rubbish spewn by radical feminists such as Andrea Dworkin, who hold pornography as this devil figurehead of male oppression over women, or who believe all consensual sex is rape.

Ickle Magoo · 21-08-2010 8:13am

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.
Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Many thanks.

Ickle

Neyite · 21-08-2010 2:21pm

i'm a bit confused - unless hes beating out one in front of her, or proudly displaying his DVDs in the bedroom, how does she even know he does unless she asks and he tells her?

in which case, they are both at fault - she should not ask if she cannot handle the answer, and he should be discreet if he knows that the answer is going to be upsetting for her, in which case a white lie is in order such as 'only once in a while'

unless the boyfriend is turning down intimacy and sex with the OP in favour of a dvd, or calling in sick to work in order to spend all day looking up xrated downloads (and she hasnt said this is the case at all) then the problem is really between her ears and not his legs.

OP, why not suggest you both make your own sexy dvd for him to watch instead?

Dinxminx · 21-08-2010 3:48pm

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread. I watch porn - not often, but if I feel like it. I'm sure my boyfriend does too every now and again. Sometimes we watch porn together. Watching porn is nothing like cheating. I do think that unless your boyfriend is watching porn instead of having sex with you, having an issue with it is an insecurity thing.

LegacyUser · 21-08-2010 11:58pm

I didn't read this entire thread but all I'll say is you're being silly imo. Men view things a lot differently than women in terms of porn. We don't see sex (mostly) as an emotional thing, but as a physical thing. Porn keeps men away from cheating, in my view. It is something they enjoy doing and will do no matter what you tell them. You can stop him from watching porn but you can't stop him from fantasising about you in various situations or with other women... You can't stop a man from making the most out of his sexuality or use his sexual interests as some sort of weapon against him.

Don't listen to those weepy girls who say if he can't stop for you he isn't worth it, silly! He's a man, men (mostly) are into sex more than women... And even when I am with a fantastic girl and having sex four-five times a week I can still be horny that other two or three days and want to have some alone time (it's quicker and more personal... it's like reading a book on the toilet - it's the same as reading a book on the sofa but there's another dimension to it). Calm down and stop freaking out. If this is all he's doing either get on board or move on, because he probably won't stop.

piotro2 · 22-08-2010 2:12am

Okay. I'm a guy. I watch porn. I use it as a masturbation aid.

Seriously though. Let me give you some insight into porn watching.

1. The scenarios in porn (If they even have a plot), are ludicrous fantasies that are are comical in their own right. I love porn with dialog! Ha!

2. Though a man might say they would want to have sex with one of the women in the movie, they would NEVER EVER EVER EVER date one and probably would not even have sex with them given the chance for various reasons. I know I wouldn't. Case in point - Men do not want to be with a woman who has sex for a living.

3. Unlike sex, which is pleasurable for various reasons, masturbation is usually all about the orgasm. What goes through a mans head when they orgasm? Probably not a damn thing because they are focused on the feeling and not even paying attention to whats happening on screen.

4. I would say, porn is watched in no longer then 15 minute increments

I would highly doubt there are many men who put porn on as background noise while they do some work. In fact, I have never ever watched porn where the goal was not to masturbate.

5. If anything, the guy does not want to have sex with the woman on screen. He wants to have sex with you, but perform the acts he sees on screen. I have done some porn re-enactment with a girlfriend, and let me tell you, the fantasy is a lot better then the actual act. In fact, the absence of the act to fuel the hope of fulfilling the fantasy is much much more pleasurable. I have found that those silly fantasies actually improved my sex life. I was definitely NOT thinking of another woman, because my emotional investment in my girlfriend was so much more appealing for me to fantasize doing those things to HER and NOT some on screen stranger.

So to give back a bucket load of confidence and control back to the OP. I suggest you watch porn with your partner to see what it's all about. I would recommend one time where you two just pick a really really cheesy porn movie and make fun of it while you watch it. Make some smart ass comments etc. The second time, have sex with it on. If you want to get really daring, then you can propose to re-enact some of the sex acts or positions you see on screen. If you offer to re-enact it, trust me, your boyfriend will very much enjoy it, and trust me, you WILL be the fantasy in his head because it's happening there and then.

The thing is, if you perform the acts from the movies or watch porn with him on any regular basis. He will ALWAYS assocciate those acts and porn in general with you. So by flicking on a porn, he will most likely think of you at some points during it. Might even get to the point where he'll put on porn, get horny, and say "Forget watching it....lets go do it!".

OP - Porn is harmless, and if used correctly, can be beneficial. Besides, if he's **** to porn, he's not out cheating

Darlughda · 22-08-2010 5:09am

confusssed wrote: »

I know this has been discussed here before but I just want to get fresh perspectives on it please.

Myself & my boyfriend have been together a year, moved in together a while back & are very much in love. However he watches porn on the internet which I find hard to deal with. I know it probably reflects insecurity on my part but I just think if people are in a loving relationship with a good sex life, then why do they need extra stimulation?
I used to watch a bit myself when I was single but I have no desire to do so now, so why does he need to do this? He says that all men do it and that it's nothing to do with us, but I cant help thinking that there must be something he's missing from our relationship if he has to get it from p0rn. I also feel so insecure about myself knowing that he's looking at women with big boobs & great figures when I'm nothing like that.

How do I get over this? I cant stop him watching it & dont want to be laying down the law to him anyway on what he can or cant do, but it's causing a problem between us as he knows I'm unhappy with him doing it so he's starting to get defensive. I'm also more self conscious when having sex as I cant help but think he's comparing me to what he's seen online. I dont want to let this come between us as we're great together otherwise.

All input appreciated thanks.

Years ago, when I first realised that my (now ex) husband was using porn, I was devastated. I assumed that there was some problem with me.
It was a long time ago, and since then I have become accustomed to porn in relationships. There have been some mean comments on this thread questioning your security, self esteem etc for not being nonchalant and totally ok with the porn situation, and that is a bit much I reckon. Its hard for a young woman to figure out why a man 'needs' porn when there is the woman he loves waiting for him in the bed.

Yes, there are many complicated issues surrounding porn and feminism, however this is not what this thread is about.

Ultimately, to engage with your partner sexually, both you and he might have to explore with each other. Have you asked him about his innermost fantasies?

Have you considered yours? This might be the key issue here, I must say.

Would you be up for watching some porn with him, if even as another poster pointed out, to take the p!ss and have a bit of a laugh and intimacy with him?
Personally, I wouldn't like a partner of mine to engage in porn without sharing with me what turns him on about it.

Having said that, if it came to light that he is fixated or becoming obsessed with some kind of unobtainable idea of how you should be in bed, then yes I would have alarm bells going off. Women should not be expected to be replica porn stars just because this is the kind of sexual preference a man has become used to from watching visual images.

Having said that exploration is key, imho, to an ongoing hot relationship. But be comfortable and assertive with your limits. Exploration and sharing fantasies is one thing, trying to be a match for a porn actress is not what a relationship is about.

What does he want to try? What would you say no way to? That is key to trust, of course.
But maybe there is something there, something that you yet have to consider, but only if you both want in a consensual way.

Of course, this might be just too horrible for you, and I suppose thats where you have to say each to their own.
But what about your relationship? Is this really going to be a deal breaker for you? If it is too much, I think then you may have to consider sexual incompatiblity; this is you, and that is him, and maybe you have to really consider what is going to make your partnership work sexually that is right for you as much as for him.

StarryMoon0 · 23-08-2010 9:58am

RodSteel wrote: »

With your attitude and insecurities regarding porn, I would question if your husband actually has a sex addiction just cause you say he has.
I would worry that he is only going for help cause you have backed him into a corner to get "reprogrammed" through counselling.
I obviously don't know him or what his history is or his side of the story but your opinions so far would kinda make me have my doubts.
I wonder have you ever thought of yourself as insecure as other some other posters here?
I could be totally wrong and your husband is out of control or maybe he is just out of control in your eyes and you have found a counsellor to agree with you?

You said that in your own words - Quote "My self esteem and confidence hit rock bottom. How do you compete with an image on a screen?? You can't. You shouldn't have to, and you don't need to."End Quote

No, normally most people dont compete with images in a fantasy world. Insecure people try to, or people who have confidence issues may have problems with images on screen or actresses etc. that appear to better looking than them or porn stars that are acting out a scene that is totally unreal.
This post is also directed at the OP so don't take it too personal.
I am not saying to you or the OP that you should like porn or condone it but maybe just realise that your other half just likes it for what it is (fantasy) and this may have no bearing what he thinks of you.

Not going to go into a tirade here, obviously you don't know the whole story, and i'm not going to share it.
It will suffice to say that before the addiction came to light, I knew he looked at porn. DId I freak? No. Did i become some simpering pathetic woman who thought she was ugly. No. I accepted it for what it appeared to be.
Untill it started causeing problems. When we no longer made love because he was already satisfied from masturbating to porn, when he no longer saw me as his wife, but an object. When he stopped living his life and thought about porn continuously .. thats when I wondered what the heck was going on. Thats when things went mental, and I, a very confident decent looking woman with no body issues started thinking that i was not good enough for him. It began a vicsious circle that I hope has finally come to an end.
My counsellor did not talk me into thinking he was an addict. He is the one who sought help because his life was falling apart, and for that I am very very proud of him.
Some people are geting very very defensive here, and that is thier perogative. Watching porn as part of a healthy normal life is OK,as long as its not causing issues.
I feel bad for the OP as some are saying its her problem. Yes, she is the one who doesn't like him viewing porn. So in a sense it is her problem, but by being in a relatonship, its becomes "thier" problem if its causing hurt. A relationship requires respect, compromise and negotiation. If they respect each other, they will think of the others feelings as well. If they can compromise through negotiation then they can sort things through.
If the OP stil has major issues wiht it, then she has to decide what to do. We are are free to have our own values, but we cannot impose them on others.

Be well.

Elle Collins · 23-08-2010 10:58am

What you need to ask yourself is if you're willing to settle for a man who ignores how this affects you in order to get his jollies gawking at big plastic boobs. In my opinion, if pornography is more important to him than your feelings then I'm sorry but you're in a relationship that's not worth having. I wouldn't even be discussing it with him if I were in your position, because I'd have left already.

ApeXaviour · 23-08-2010 11:27am

Elle Collins wrote: »

What you need to ask yourself is if you're willing to settle for a man who ignores how this affects you in order to get his jollies gawking at big plastic boobs. In my opinion, if pornography is more important to him than your feelings then I'm sorry but you're in a relationship that's not worth having. I wouldn't even be discussing it with him if I were in your position, because I'd have left already.

I must say, that is a terrifyingly immature attitude to take towards sex and relationships.

Virgil° · 23-08-2010 4:46pm

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

I feel bad for the OP as some are saying its her problem. Yes, she is the one who doesn't like him viewing porn. So in a sense it is her problem, but by being in a relatonship, its becomes "thier" problem if its causing hurt. A relationship requires respect, compromise and negotiation. If they respect each other, they will think of the others feelings as well. If they can compromise through negotiation then they can sort things through.
If the OP stil has major issues wiht it, then she has to decide what to do. We are are free to have our own values, but we cannot impose them on others.

Be well.

If the OP were to make her boyfriend give up porn then imposing her values on others is exactly what she would be doing.
I think you're looking at things the wrong way here. We aren't telling the OP to get over her insecurities for our own sake. If we told the OP that shes being perfectly reasonable to feel upset about this i suspect she wouldn't be long for this relationship or most any other relationship for that matter.
So patting her on the back and reassuring her that shes right,while it might make her feel better for the moment, would only serve to hinder her later on.

The problem is not her boyfriends to solve. He's going to watch porn. As will 99%(made up) of any other man shes dated or will date in future. Nothing her boyfriend can do short of constantly tiptoeing around her can help.

Elle Collins wrote:

What you need to ask yourself is if you're willing to settle for a man who ignores how this affects you in order to get his jollies gawking at big plastic boobs.

What she ACTUALLY needs to ask herself is why she feels so at odds with what is widely regarded as normal sexual behaviour and how she can get around it.

I wouldn't even be discussing it with him if I were in your position, because I'd have left already.

Words cannot describe how thankful i am that the majority of women don't think like this. There'd be so much less loving going around.

StarryMoon0 · 23-08-2010 5:19pm

Virgil° wrote: »

If the OP were to make her boyfriend give up porn then imposing her values on others is exactly what she would be doing.
I think you're looking at things the wrong way here. We aren't telling the OP to get over her insecurities for our own sake. If we told the OP that shes being perfectly reasonable to feel upset about this i suspect she wouldn't be long for this relationship or most any other relationship for that matter.
So patting her on the back and reassuring her that shes right,while it might make her feel better for the moment, would only serve to hinder her later on.

The problem is not her boyfriends to solve. He's going to watch porn. As will 99%(made up) of any other man shes dated or will date in future. Nothing her boyfriend can do short of constantly tiptoeing around her can help.

Ok, I just want to make sure I have read this right:
Its 100% correct for him to dismiss her values/concerns.
Its 100% wrong for her to dismiss his values.

Would it not be better if they could each bring 50% to the table and discuss the issue, the options and maybe come to compromise of some sorts. (only they would know what those posibilities could be)

I'd really hate to be in a relationship where my concerns didn't matter.
Just saying is all..

Virgil° · 23-08-2010 7:06pm

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

Ok, I just want to make sure I have read this right:
Its 100% correct for him to dismiss her values/concerns.
Its 100% wrong for her to dismiss his values.

Yes. By dismissing her concerns hes not doing anything that most men ad women don't do anyway. And hes not controlling her in any way.

If we were to go the route of her dismissing his then. He'd be validating her insecurity and she'd be forcing him not to watch porn.

Would it not be better if they could each bring 50% to the table and discuss the issue, the options and maybe come to compromise of some sorts. (only they would know what those posibilities could be)

I'd really hate to be in a relationship where my concerns didn't matter.
Just saying is all..

Her concerns are misplaced.Giving any ground here would only serve to validate a worldview that would put her at odds with the majority of men and women in the world.
Much like if she said "I don't want you to look at good looking women on TV, or in the street."
What should her boyfriend do then?
What possible 50/50 compromise could be reached? It would be ridiculous.

Ickle Magoo · 23-08-2010 7:51pm

Virgil° wrote: »

Her concerns are misplaced.Giving any ground here would only serve to validate a worldview that would put her at odds with the majority of men and women in the world.
Much like if she said "I don't want you to look at good looking women on TV, or in the street."
What should her boyfriend do then?
What possible 50/50 compromise could be reached? It would be ridiculous.

While I mostly agree with what you are saying that finding someone who isn't into porn could be an almighty uphill struggle for the OP and that coming to terms with her other half or having a go at watching porn herself might be the more workable option, there is a heck of difference between appreciating a beautiful face/body on the street and whacking one out to sexually explicit material...you can't avoid seeing people in the street - which tend to be fully clothed and not engaged in sexual activity where I come from, anyway, but looking up porn for the express purpose of masturbation is most definitely an avoidable choice - not a choice most of us would ever opt for granted but still, hardly comparable to walking down the street or watching your average TV show.

Virgil° · 23-08-2010 8:36pm

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

While I mostly agree with what you are saying that finding someone who isn't into porn could be an almighty uphill struggle for the OP and that coming to terms with her other half or having a go at watching porn herself might be the more workable option, there is a heck of difference between appreciating a beautiful face/body on the street and whacking one out to sexually explicit material...you can't avoid seeing people in the street - which tend to be fully clothed and not engaged in sexual activity where I come from, anyway, but looking up porn for the express purpose of masturbation is most definitely an avoidable choice - not a choice most of us would ever opt for granted but still, hardly comparable to walking down the street or watching your average TV show.

I wasn't really comparing them though. I know theres a big difference.
I was just demonstrating how concerns aren't always justified.
And just because the OP has problems with her OH's porn usage doesn't mean he should have to compromise or meet her half way.
Thats it really =].

LegacyUser · 23-08-2010 9:18pm

OP, I'll just give you my two cents worth on this and some of you who have been saying that it's ok for a partner to watch porn might have a listen too.

My husband has been going to see a counsellor for almost two years to try and get over his addiction to sex. It started with him watching porn - both with me and without me. After a while I found that it didn't do anything for me, so I opted out, but he continued (this was in the days of VHS).

Then the internet came along and he started watching on there too and signing up to private members sites. This was particularly galling when I was off work for eight months after having major surgery and money was tight, but he thought this was ok. The mortgage, bills, etc., could go to hell as long as he was getting his fix. Of course, this caused major arguments and I asked him if he could cut it down (notice: not cut it OUT). He promised me he would but, like all addicts, was more secretive and continued to do it.

You might be asking yourself how I found out about his secret habits? Well, when you keep getting calls from the credit card company about sites you don't recognise but are obviously porn sites, then if it wasn't me, then it had to be him.

It gets progressively worse - depending on the man involved, of course. With mine, it got as far as him signing up to dating sites and meeting prostitutes, and chatting with girls who he promised to meet in Dublin. Several times he went to Dublin, alone, supposedly to concerts, but who knows what he was doing?

So, OP, I think the question is how far has he gone and how much are you prepared to put up with? If it is simply that what he's doing isn't interfering with your sex life then I don't think you have much to worry about. If your sex life has dried up (pardon the pun!) and he's becoming secretive, going on the net at odd times of the day, such as very early in the morning or late at night, then maybe it's time to get some straight answers to awkward questions.

I'm sorry that you're in this position but hopefully things will sort themselves out.

shellyboo · 23-08-2010 9:22pm

mitsy wrote: »

it was nothing and it meant nothing but it hurt me so much. I questioned everything about myself, was he attracted to me, did i not do enough for him, was it my body etc etc etc. I constantly tried to justify his behaviour and his need to look at porn until finally i couldnt take it anymore, it took too much of a toll on how i felt about myself so i ended the relationship.

He needs to recognise this is a serious issue in your relationship and he needs to do something about it before it is too late.

Note the massive contradiction there between the two paragraphs. You were hurt, you did the questioning, you were comparing yourself, you gave up on the relationship... but yet you seem to think this was a problem your boyfriend (and by extension, the OP's) needed to fix by changing his habits, not yours?

That doesn't even make any sense. Leaving aside the fact that it's porn (because people can't actually talk about this issue rationally), if a partner has ONE flaw or habit you don't like (as long as it's legal and not hurting anyone), that's not cause to break up with them. Their partner taking offence at a perfectly normal activity like playing football, watching TV, or indeed watching porn, does not count as them hurting their partner. It's irrational and unfair, not to mention controlling.

Virgil° wrote: »

The problem is not her boyfriends to solve. He's going to watch porn. As will 99%(made up) of any other man shes dated or will date in future. Nothing her boyfriend can do short of constantly tiptoeing around her can help.

What she ACTUALLY needs to ask herself is why she feels so at odds with what is widely regarded as normal sexual behaviour and how she can get around it.

Spot on. The problem here is the OP's. Normal recreational porn use (where it's not affecting their sex life) is nothing to be worried about, and making it an issue will only result in a relationship breakdown.

As far as I'm concerned, it's a masturbation tool - just like vibrators are for women. I'd be interested to see how many women who think porn is cheating would consider using toys as the same sort of betrayal -- after all, introducing another phallic object into your sex life is a much bigger step than simply watching some people on a screen.

The eternal p0rn question

Comments