The Rules

Scarinae

A while back I was going through my flatmates bookshelf looking for something to read and I found a book called 'The Rules'. Has anyone else read it? It's a self-help book that basically advocates playing hard-to-get. I had a read of it, and it's full of lots of advice that is pretty much at a polar opposite to what I would do. Things like letting the man pay for everything, not accepting a date for Saturday night after Wednesday (as in, if he calls on Thursday asking you to go for dinner on Saturday, you should pretend to be busy, because if he's worth bothering with he'll give you more notice), never calling a man because it makes you look desperate, timing your phone calls and being strict with yourself about hanging up after a certain number of minutes...

Basically, the entire book is geared towards getting you engaged. A woman who calls a man, is honest with her opinions, offers to contribute to meals - these women will never be proposed to, according to the Rules. You should be as easygoing as possible, but be mysterious and always leave him wanting more.

However, I think the book is a load of bullcrap... How can a man really fall in love with you if you're putting on a facade? How can you have any sort of honest connection if your relationship is based on rules and mind games? And why would I want a man who wants the sort of woman that book is telling me to be? I'd really be interested to hear other people's opinions on this or other similar self-help books

panda100

I read my sister's copy when I was 22 after my first real bad breakup. I was pretty horrified with its advice, such as 'If you don't like your nose,get a nose job', and 'Never,ever sleep with him or visit his apartment until you have a ring on your finger'!
It was basically saying do not act yourself until you are married to him, which is plain stupid.

Funny how the two authors are both divorced!

Silverfish

I read somewhere that if you have to rely on tips and tricks and 'rules' and games to 'get' a man, then you probably weren't meant to pass on your genes in the first place.

Shivers26

That book has some very old fashioned notions. Times have changed and these days its ok to text or call a guy you are dating. If a guy asks me out on a first date then its nice if he pays but on any further dates I would be happy to pay my way ie if a guy pays for dinner, I will pay for drinks or whatever.

I also think its nice to chat on the phone if you get on well. I don't know, I guess I'm just not a 'rules' girl.

As for other self help books - He's Just Not That in to You and also Its Called a Breakup Because its Broken. Both of them by the same author and both a pure genius imo.

The Big Red Button

Aww Christ ... as per that site, these are the rules (apologies for the length of the post - there are quite a few! :eek:):

• 01: Be a “Creature” Unlike Any Other
• 02: Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance or propose marriage to him); If You Do All The chasing He Will Feel Like A Weakling For This Entire Marriage
• 03: Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
• 04: Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date; Let Him Pay All Expenses For Activity
• 05: Do Not Call Him No Matter What & Rarely Return His Calls Unles Your Contact Timing is Impossible
• 06: Always End Phone Calls and dates First
• 07: Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday
• 08: Fill Up Your Time before the Date
• 09: How to Act on Dates 1,2, & 3 End the date first especially if you like him.
• 10: How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time
• 11: Always end the date first
• 12: Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day; Male Pride and Tradition States That He Must Pay For The Outing (date).
• 13: Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
• 14: No More than Casual (Short) Kissing on the First Date
• 15: Don't Rush into Sex & Other Rules for Intimacy: Why Buy The Cow When He Can Get The Milk For Free
• 16: Don't Tell Him What to Do
• 17: Let Him Take the Lead; This Would Be Better For His Pride; If You Do All The chasing And Leading He Will Feel Like A Weakling For This Entire Marriage Unless He Cannot Lead By Law and Protocol
• 18: Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
• 19: Don’t Open Up Too Fast; If A Man Is Persistant In Trying To Get Information It Would Be Better For The Relationship
• 20: Be Honest but Mysterious
• 21: Accentuate the Positive & Other Rules for Personal Ads
• 22: Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
• 23: Don't Date a Married Man; If You Date A Man With Another Lover, Your Relationship Is Likely To Break Up In The Future
• 24: Slowly Involve Him in Your Family & Other Rules for Women with Children
• 25: Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)
• 26: Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
• 27: Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends & Parents Think It's Nuts
• 28: Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School
• 29: Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College: Use A Beautician and Stylist To Optimize Your Looks
• 30: NEXT! & Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
• 31: Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist.
• 32: Don't Break The Rules! Follow The Dating Rules, Protocols and Expectations
• 33: Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After!
• 34: Love Only Those Who Love You
• 35: Be Easy to Live With
• 36: Give Him Time To Talk and To Get Your Contact Information
• 37: Get Out of Your Comfort Zone: Be Visible and Available For Talk.
• 38: Playing Hard To Get Is A Way Of Insuring That He Is Really Committed To You And You Not Just An Impulsive Fancy Or Side Dish. When You Do Play Hard To Get, Make Sure You Leave Some Doors Open; If All Your Contact Information Changes The Relationship Is Lost
• 39: Men Can Handle It If You Are Dating Other Men As long If You Are Still Available For Him
• 40: Try To Get A Normal Body Fat Range; Older People Usualy Look Better With Normal Facial and Neck Fat
• 41: Women Or Men That Live Alone Are More Likely To Succeed When She Or He Lives Alone Without Other People Getting In Between The Relationship Like a 30 Year Old Son Who Does Not Want You To Re-marry, Or A Father That Is Trying To Find Out If He Is Good Enough For you
• 42: When You Are Hugging Other Men, Make Sure You Are Not Too Busy To Glance in His General Direction At Least Once
• 43: Some Men Know Within The First Hour Of Initial Meeting That You Are The One; If Nothing Happens After A Specific Period Of Time, Keep Looking
• 44: Go To Places or Clubs With People Like You If Unity Is Important To You
• 45: Many People Hate To Be Lied To: Try To Be Honest As You Can Be; Do Not Give Him False Leads (Flirts or Over Friendliness) If He Does Not Have A Chance Especially If It Is Your Job To Be Friendly; Is Better not To Give Any False Hopes
• 46: Do Not Tell Any Phoney Stories To Get Money If You Are Not Seriously Interested In Him
• 47: Men Are Not As Sensitive As Women; Do Not Be Afraid To Ask Personal Questions That Are Important To You
• 48: You Are An Adult, Make Sure That The Gatekeeper (Receptionist or Father) Cannot Totally Halt His Contact Attempts With You: You Do Not Want A Third Person To Lead The Relationship; Be Reasonably Accessible.
• 49: For Online Dating: Once You Have Send Your First Email and He Knows That You Exist, Do Not Initiate Another Contact; Keep The First Letter Short So As To Not Sound To Eager, And Do Not Beg For Acceptance; Some Men Decide Within The First Hour Of First Sight That You Are The One Or Not.
• 50: The Relationship Will Develop Faster, More Intimate, More Intense (Stressfull) or More Romantic If the Man Is Allowed To Rule or Lead the Group or Relationship. For A Man To Ask A Girl For A Date To Party Is More Intense Than Receiving An Invitation To A Party From The Same Girl; Correct?
• 51: Some Loyalty May Be Required by The Woman
• 52: Do Not Propose Marriage To Him; It Is His Role To Ask; If He Does Not Do This Difficult Task On His Own, He Can Loose His Pride For the Rest Of This Marriage
• 53: Personal Talk Can Sometimes Be The Most Stressfull Type Of Talk; His Intensions Are Blushingly Wide Open To See; You Need To Give Him Time And Contact Information To Prepare For This, and A Little More Privacy During The Meeting
• 54: Overcome Your Shyness; Find Things To Say; Be Willing To Respond With Talk; Be Willing To Answer Small Talk Questions.
• 55: If His Committment To This Relationship Is Uncertain Or He is Dating Other Women, Do not Allow Him To Move Into Your Place.
• 56: Get A Hair Style That Fits Your Age; The Older, The Less You Have To Hide The Profile Or Shape Of Your Head; When You Are Over 80, Use Flat Hair That Is Dyed and Groomed.
• 57: Do Not Down Groom Such As Taking Off Your Make Up, Wearing over Sized Clothing, Neglecting Your Hairdo; Look Your Best, Why Not? Your Hairdo, Make Up and Dress is The Crown of A Woman; Always Choose The Best Style That Fits You.
• 58: Do Not Be A Tom Boy, Dress Like One Of The Boys At Work, Or Try To Become A Man; Men Probably Prefer 100% Female In A Woman.
• 59: People are more humble, tranquil and energized when they are at home than in the work place or shopping mall; when you are both alone and at your homes, the relationship through home telephones will develop easier and faster when there is no other woman between the both you; find some ways of revealing your home telephone number, perhaps on your business card and telephone book; your telephone book (white pages) is your greatest communications tool.
• 60: Many people hate to be deceived: do not reveal your past skeletons like sexual relationships to soon but reveal before the marriage. Do not talk about your ex lovers (sexual relationships); keep a lid on it and hope it does not show up.
• 61: Do not down dress. Wear femine clothes, shoes and glasses, because these will usualy make a woman look better. Do not wear oversized clothing and funny looking clothing; but wear clothes that you feel attractive and confident in. Do not hide you best head features with a hat.

The scary thing is, it really doesn't seem to be a piss-take or spoof.

Bloody ridiculous. How does that sort of crap get published?!

Pembily

Well I am fcuked so, no one will ever propose to me as I have probably broken most of the rules!!!!

Unpredictable Prediction

Thanks for the list chatterpillar...had such a laugh reading it! Im almost thinking about getting it now to have another laugh

Scarinae

I think these are my favourite:

chatterpillar wrote: »

17: Let Him Take the Lead; This Would Be Better For His Pride; If You Do All The chasing And Leading He Will Feel Like A Weakling For This Entire Marriage Unless He Cannot Lead By Law and Protocol

19: Don’t Open Up Too Fast; If A Man Is Persistant In Trying To Get Information It Would Be Better For The Relationship

31: Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist. (RED FLAG! RED FLAG!!)

57: Do Not Down Groom Such As Taking Off Your Make Up, Wearing over Sized Clothing, Neglecting Your Hairdo; Look Your Best, Why Not? Your Hairdo, Make Up and Dress is The Crown of A Woman; Always Choose The Best Style That Fits You.

Unpredictable Prediction wrote: »

Thanks for the list chatterpillar...had such a laugh reading it! Im almost thinking about getting it now to have another laugh

Borrow it from a friend or a library... Don't contribute any money into their pockets!

Unpredictable Prediction

Fishie wrote: »

Borrow it from a friend or a library... Don't contribute any money into their pockets!

yeah true that!!!! Cannot believe its even published

Dudess

Game-players are such head-wreckers.

krudler

Pembily wrote: »

Well I am fcuked so, no one will ever propose to me as I have probably broken most of the rules!!!!

Good on ya, screw the rules, break em all

Maple

No. 20 - be honest yet mysterious

I'd only end up looking constipated if I had to try act mysterious and aloof.

krudler

Were these written in the 50's?

Silverfish

krudler wrote: »

Were these written in the 50's?

No, I think you're mixing those up with the 'perfect wife' ones.

Wibbs

I agree its daft, but you have to remember, just like this Pickup Artist(tm) bullshít it's aimed at an American audience and American audiences have a slightly different dating culture and different cultural pressures on women and men. In extremis this kinda thing is a result of that.

Faith

maple wrote: »

No. 20 - be honest yet mysterious

I'd only end up looking constipated if I had to try act mysterious and aloof.

Being aloof is one thing I've never mastered. I'd tell the winos on the streets everything about me if they asked!

Catari Jaguar

I broke most of them, I'm engaged. In your face spinster author bitches!

Guys don't like a tomboy? News to me...

But yea, get with the times.. this crap reminds me of the "Keep Young & Beautiful" song :rolleyes:

metrovelvet

Fishie wrote: »

A while back I was going through my flatmates bookshelf looking for something to read and I found a book called 'The Rules'. Has anyone else read it? It's a self-help book that basically advocates playing hard-to-get. I had a read of it, and it's full of lots of advice that is pretty much at a polar opposite to what I would do. Things like letting the man pay for everything, not accepting a date for Saturday night after Wednesday (as in, if he calls on Thursday asking you to go for dinner on Saturday, you should pretend to be busy, because if he's worth bothering with he'll give you more notice), never calling a man because it makes you look desperate, timing your phone calls and being strict with yourself about hanging up after a certain number of minutes...

Basically, the entire book is geared towards getting you engaged. A woman who calls a man, is honest with her opinions, offers to contribute to meals - these women will never be proposed to, according to the Rules. You should be as easygoing as possible, but be mysterious and always leave him wanting more.

However, I think the book is a load of bullcrap... How can a man really fall in love with you if you're putting on a facade? How can you have any sort of honest connection if your relationship is based on rules and mind games? And why would I want a man who wants the sort of woman that book is telling me to be? I'd really be interested to hear other people's opinions on this or other similar self-help books

I have a funny feeling this bookmis aimed at young girls who talk about boys in their dorm rooms, spy on them, lexus nexis their families, who whinge and watch too many stupid movies and get dumped very quickly.

If you sum up the book its 'get a life' and dont make boys the be all end all. And these stupid rules anti dote the stupid behavior of some girls who spend six hours on the phone to a boy instead of studying for their finals.

Catari Jaguar

metrovelvet wrote: »

I have a funny feeling this bookmis aimed at young girls who talk about boys in their dorm rooms, spy on them, lexus nexis their families, who whinge and watch too many stupid movies and get dumped very quickly.

If you sum up the book its 'get a life' and dont make boys the be all end all. And these stupid rules anti dote the stupid behavior of some girls who spend six hours on the phone to a boy instead of studying for their finals.

Lol! Tbh it sounds like the tripe those vacant bitches on SATC come out with. And they're supposedly real women dating in the city in their late 30s/40s.

I don't think it means 'get a life' at all, because by following these rules and buying the book your main aim is to get a bloke and think about the rules to keep a bloke. Then probably over analyse everything and moan to friends if the Rules aren't working...

Lexus Nexis? Sounds like a great username...

Snoopy1

Oh that list was so funny, laughing away here at work.

Killme00

chatterpillar wrote: »

[*]58: Do Not Be A Tom Boy, Dress Like One Of The Boys At Work, Or Try To Become A Man; Men Probably Prefer 100% Female In A Woman.

The word probably in there has me in stitches. LOLs

Mackman

What a load of crap! from a male perspective, that stuff gets boring/annoying very quickly.
Thankfully the ladies of boards have their heads screwed on

[*]58: Do Not Be A Tom Boy, Dress Like One Of The Boys At Work, Or Try To Become A Man; Men Probably Prefer 100% Female In A Woman

she has a point there though Killme00 :pac:

Malari

I suppose following the rules is like having a really strict "list", it's essentially a filtering mechanism that if used, you must accept that you are likely to be proposed to by a misogynist, an American addicted to dating self-help books, or a 55 year old still living with Mammy.

Having said that, a girl I worked with a few years ago did actually follow some of those guidelines, in terms of seeming too busy to talk to the boyfriend, not replying to messages too quickly, appearing aloof, etc. She's married to him now so I guess it worked for her :cool:;)

chanusi

The reason that things like this and it's counterpart,the PUA stuff sells is because both men and women are single and don't know why,so they try to follow rules,some of which are useful but the majority are not(in both camps to some degree).

Maple

55: If His Committment To This Relationship Is Uncertain Or He is Dating Other Women, Do not Allow Him To Move Into Your Place.

Surely this is common sense no??

I swear, i've reread this list about 10 times and it's cracked me up each time.

The Big Red Button

maple wrote: »

55: If His Committment To This Relationship Is Uncertain Or He is Dating Other Women, Do not Allow Him To Move Into Your Place.

Surely this is common sense no??

I swear, i've reread this list about 10 times and it's cracked me up each time.

I think this is my favourite:

46: Do Not Tell Any Phoney Stories To Get Money If You Are Not Seriously Interested In Him

So it's OK to tell lies to get your hands on his money just so long as you actually like him?!

Maple

chatterpillar wrote: »

I think this is my favourite:

46: Do Not Tell Any Phoney Stories To Get Money If You Are Not Seriously Interested In Him

So it's OK to tell lies to get your hands on his money just so long as you actually like him?!

Oh that makes it totally OK! You're only a money grabbing b1tch if you DONT like him.

I especially like the rules about not talking to a man first, not looking at a man and not talking too much.

So essentially you make him aware you're interested by some funky subliminal mind control technique.

panda100

maple wrote: »

I especially like the rules about not talking to a man first, not looking at a man and not talking too much.

Sounds like 'The Rules' and 'The Koran' are pretty interchangeable.

Joey the lips

I read every book you can imagine on relationships... I also read a lot on sex and making sure a women is satasfied....

I learned a very valuable lession....

Books give you guidence as to how to think but talking to your partner gives you guidence on the future...

I figure

if a man/women is fantastic looking and you figure your adverage and why are they with you...its not going to work

but if you see your partner as fantastic looking and realise that even with both your insecurities they see you the same

you will last forever....

ask me if i still agree in 20 years....

As for the book itself... as a man i read it...though it a good laugh....

Kooli

Gosh I totally forgot about 'The Rules'! I read that when I was about 20 I think and it scared the crap out of me!!

Like others have said, this and the PUA stuff belong to an era where men and women were seen as a different species.

Nowadays, in Ireland at least, I think we've moved on to a place where most men and women both want a partner who they respect, get on well with, and consider to be their best friend. That usen't to be the case. Women wanted a man who would provide for them. Men wanted women who would look good, look after them and have sex with them.

Not that people don't look for those qualities anymore, but they look for lots of other stuff too, and more importantly they are looking for an equal. And an imperfect one at that.

The Rules and PUA stuff both just throw us back decades to a time when men and women had to play games and deceive in order to 'trap' each other into getting what they wanted (for women, that's marriage, for men, that's sex).

So I'm just glad we've moved on (well, most of us!)

myflipflops

chatterpillar wrote: »

[*]15: Don't Rush into Sex & Other Rules for Intimacy: Why Buy The Cow When He Can Get The Milk For Free

I got to here.

Any man/woman referring to herself/partner as a cow and referring to sex as milking that cow has issues.

Any author who can coin this phrase has serious issues.

In my world, most of this list is an example of how not to treat other people of any gender.

Be a “Creature” Unlike Any Other

ok i have failed at the first hurdle wtf is that supposed to mean ?

Emme

panda100 wrote: »

Sounds like 'The Rules' and 'The Koran' are pretty interchangeable.

I haven't read the Koran but having read the Rules I'd say that's an insult to the Koran.

metrovelvet

Emme wrote: »

I haven't read the Koran but having read the Rules I'd say that's an insult to the Koran.

Read The Koran and then come back to us.

i-digress

Toby Prickly Rehabilitation wrote: »

Be a “Creature” Unlike Any Other

ok i have failed at the first hurdle wtf is that supposed to mean ?

Lol, that had me stumped too!

?? maybe it means crawling about on all fours sounding like a duck ? i dunno though think most guys would be put off ha !

forestfruits

It sounds like a Cult!!

Do what we say ignore your family and friends

Scary

iguana

Toby Prickly Rehabilitation wrote: »

Be a “Creature” Unlike Any Other

ok i have failed at the first hurdle wtf is that supposed to mean ?

Be a duck billed platypus.

Nervous Wreck

myflipflops wrote: »

I got to here.

Any man/woman referring to herself/partner as a cow and referring to sex as milking that cow has issues.

Any author who can coin this phrase has serious issues.

You'd have to be crazy to talk about your udder half like that!

i-digress

forestfruits wrote: »

It sounds like a Cult!!

Do what we say ignore your family and friends

Scary

Yeah! That was the thing that struck me, ignore your friends, ignore your family, don't tell your therapist.

Well next time things are looking ropey between me and the husband I'll just do an impression of a duck billed platypus and I'll be sorted! Thank God for The Rules!

ash23

Toby Prickly Rehabilitation wrote: »

Be a “Creature” Unlike Any Other

ok i have failed at the first hurdle wtf is that supposed to mean ?

Me too so I decided to become a one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater....but I still can't get a bloke :rolleyes:

smoggy11

chatterpillar wrote: »

31: Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist.

This is a very valid point. If a therapist heard all this they would probably have you sectioned.

Actually, If you were following all these rules you probably do need to be sectioned!

I had a good laugh reading through all that though and checking off the list while my OH (living in sin, no ring on finger) chuckled beside me!