Should I go back and approach her?

LegacyUser

Hi,

First of all I'm a 21yr old guy who really doesn't have much of a life. I don't get out much as I don't really have proper friends to go out with. I would also generally avoid going out to social events anyway due to extreme social anxiety.

So on to the topic..

At the weekend I reluctantly went down to a local pub to meet some relatives for a drink. Shortly after arriving, a really nice looking girl came to serve our table. Now I can't say for certain, but at the time I really had myself convinced that she was looking at me more than would be normal. She had a really warming expression on her face as well I noticed. I just had this sense that she was interested. Thing is I know it's really females that have this ability to sense attraction from body language, not men. So I didn't really feel I could trust my feelings due to this. It frustrated me to be feeling so uncertain about the situation, and this has happened to me many times before too.

At the time, while I was there though, I really felt quite confident that attraction was there (less so once I went home and analyzed/thought things over however). I even believe that had I not been at a table around all my relatives, and had a safe opportunity to talk to her, I may have made a move.

Also what makes things harder for me is I really don't like my physical appearence at all. Evertime I think someone was attracted to me, I go home take a photo of myself and look at it. When I do this I immediately kind of come to my senses and tell myself there was absolutely no way they could have been interested in me. I'm so confused though. My confidence is up and down all the time... I really don't know what to think...

Ever since leaving the pub that night without trying anything, I have felt so down in myself. I have this urge to go back and force myself to approach her.

Given what I have said, do you think this would be a wise move? I mean if I was to go back, I would be going alone as I have no friends to come along. Would this just make me appear odd and ruin any chance that may be there?

So I hope I made things clear enough. I'd really appreciate some advice. Thanks.

Chuchoter

Definitely go back! You'll be even more pissed off if you don't go back and then you'll never know.

muboop1

Mindlocked wrote: »

Also what makes things harder for me is I really don't like my physical appearence at all. Evertime I think someone was attracted to me, I go home take a photo of myself and look at it. When I do this I immediately kind of come to my senses and tell myself there was absolutely no way they could have been interested in me.

Jasus man, give yourself a break. Firstly everyone has a taste, and no matter what we think we are all SOMEBODY'S taste. Maybe it will be a person you also desire maybe not. Doesn't matter. Point is just because you can't see the "beauty" in yourself, doesn't mean someone else couldn't.

Also, bare in mind, girls aren't as visual a creature as men are. We put alot more emphasis on looks than girls do. Search through this forum and you will see a hundred of examples of people with similar opinions of themselves... And read their answers..

To summarize the majority of those answers, if you think you lack the looks, try improve first, gym new clothes whatever it takes to up your confidence. After that get talking! A good personality overcomes all else usually. A confident lad who can keep a girls attention will pull over a good looking lad with no personality.

Mindlocked wrote: »

Given what I have said, do you think this would be a wise move? I mean if I was to go back, I would be going alone as I have no friends to come along. Would this just make me appear odd and ruin any chance that may be there?

So I hope I made things clear enough. I'd really appreciate some advice. Thanks.

I think your main issue is honestly how you view yourself. So my primary concern would be addressing that.

However, if a girl is showing an interest, hell go for it! If you know where to find her make a move, or at least talk to her! What do you lose?

Look we all get the fear etc... You think little of yourself, so you assume others must. If they reject you its like they are confirming your beliefs etc... or something similar likely...

Truth is, thats bull****. Not the feeing, but that rejection could confirm such a thing. Could be a 100 reasons a person got shot down that have nothing to do with your fears. I've a mate who got rejected and complained to us it was because he thought he had a big nose. I knew the girl, asked... He was to tall, she never even noticed his nose! Other girls would love that...

Simple fact is do, he who dares wins...

Give it a go. If you get rejected, take a step back and talk to another girl! Or just enjoy yourself talking to someone else or whatever... Do not dwell on it! But don't regret... Worst feeling...

So ultimately I'm saying, yes go for i. Be stupid not to

Justask

Of course you should go back!
The worst thing that can happen is she says no to a date but you could make friend!

Feel the fear and do it anyway....:D

Stop thinking start doing... Good Luck

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for the responses/advice. So it seems the general opnion is that I should go back. Now I am prepared to do this, but as I said I would be going alone and this will at least initially make even entering the pub a difficult experience for me. So I really want plan this to make it as painless as possible for me and could use your help.

So first of all, should I try to find a table to sit alone at rather than sit up at the bar? I say this because this would put me in a better position to actually talk with her without other ears all around (that's if she comes to my table of course). Though I must keep in mind she is a barmaid afterall and I'm not even sure that I'd be able to talk for long, even if the chance came.

Also I guess I better go back on the same day that I was at the pub last time to be sure she'll be there. Even then I suppose there's no certainty she will.

And are you guys sure I won't give the impression I'm troubled or an alcoholic, walking into a pub to drink alone?

Thanks, if I can just get these aspects sorted out I'll feel as lot easier about doing this.

ordinary_girl

Loads of people go into pubs on their own, young people included! I've gone into pubs on my own, usually when waiting for friends to come so it's a bit of a meeting point. So I might have a quick drink in the pub and then meet them outside. It's not that unusual, and I doubt she'd even notice much.

If it'd make you more confident I'm sure you could dress up as though you were going on a night out, just running in for a quick pint then meeting up with some friends. If you do sit at a table then you probably will have a better chance of having a bit of a chat with her, so go for it OP! I'm sure you'll be fine

Justask

First off well done you for deciding what to do!

There are loads that go to a bar alone for a drink, maybe if you have a laptop bring it to make yourself look busy! or writing pad and text book so your busy and not feeling uncomfortable...

Best of luck let us know how it goes.

LegacyUser

Justask wrote: »

First off well done you for deciding what to do!

Well deciding and planning is one thing, actually doing it is another thing altogether! I just hope I can get myself in the door first of all.

So I have the day of this mission set for saturday night (which is the day I was there last) so I just have to hope she'll be there.

Another question.. I'd assume actually walking up to her while she's working is not wise and my only safe option is to just sit somewhere and hope she serves me at some point right? I just really don't think I'll be able to talk to her with other people in earshot, and obviously that will be the case 90% of the time.

Justask

TBH i think your thinking about it to much... Just go in order a drink and take it from there...

In my experiance plans dont often work to plan.

Order a pint enjoy it, see what happens and how you feel.
If nothing comes along with her ie no chat (but remember shes working) no eye contact. Write your phone number on a piece of paper with "i'd like to take you for a drink, text me if you would like to meet up"

She will be flattered.

freakmagnet

I'd be a bit hesitant of going back on a mission to ask her out! It might take the spontaneity out of it. I'd go back without a plan, and if you get the feeling there is chemistry (again), then seize the new moment and go for it! But, the valuable lesson you can take from it - for which you can thank her for, is, seize the moment in future - because now you know what the flip side is- that is, the not knowing and kicking yourself, is way worse! So next time, you can get the courage by saying to yourself i know i'll feel terrible about this later, if i don't do it now!

LegacyUser

Yeah I'll try not to get my hopes up too much. Generally I do the opposite anyway and expect the worst.

Thanks once again guys for the advice. Will let you know how it goes. Though I may be back on here again as the day nears... freaking out! I'm already wound up after discovering a nasty spot appearing (I don't get them often). When I get them they usually last for ages, and I'm just hoping by some miracle that it's gone by a few days time. Don't need anything bringing down my already low confidence.

Piriz

Hi OP,
i think its healthy that you are dwelling on this situation and trying to build the confidence to to approach this girl..
Personally i would do this..
walk into the pub and as soon as you spot her go over to her..say can i stop you for a min..i see you are busy but i spotted you while i was here last week, i was too embarrassed to chat to you coz i was with my family but you seem lovely...(pause, look her in the eye)
look i see you are busy working so im not gona keep you but i want to give you my number (on a piece of paper you prepared earlier) and maybe you can give me a text and we could meet sometime.. its up to you..anyway have a nice night..im gona head i'll leave you too it alrite, see ya.

by doing this you are taking action immediately..you are not p*ssing about trying to create conversation and read her body language which could be nerve racking for you and you wont look a bit lost sitting on your own drinking a pint..
this approach is confident..the sitting at a table on your own is not gona be the most attractive lookin..
this way you are in and out...you accomplish the task confidently and mannerly...you'll be all of 2 mins and you'll be buzzin when you walk back out of the pub!

even if she doesn't text, don't worry about it..she could have a boy friend etc. but you will have conquered a fear and should be very proud for being brave!

LegacyUser

Oh jesus that seems quite a task.. I'm really not sure I'm capable of that.

The main thing I'd be afraid of in doing it in the way you have suggested, is slipping over my words (which I do a lot as I can speak quite fast when I'm nervous) which is horribly embarrassing in the best of times.

And also I would kind of like to know by the end of the night if she's interested or not, which is why I'd prefer to have time to read her body language.

At the same time though, I definitely don't want to appear like some sorry looking bloke by sitting on my own.. What if I were to bring along something with me that indicates I am destined for somewhere and just briefly stopping by for a quick drink (I am a musician so I could perhaps bring my guitar). That would give me a valid reason to be sitting at a table too. Also I know that this pub hires bands/musicians to play there so I could also use this as a reason to talk to her. What I mean is I could tell her that I was looking for somewhere new to play and ask her if she knew if the place was hiring. What do you think?

Sorry I know some of you are saying not to plan but I just can't help it. I can't go in there acting all disorientated.

LegacyUser

First off, well done for wanting to go through with this. As someone who suffered from social anxiety, this kind of thing is terrifying. So well done!

I am a musician so I could perhaps bring my guitar). That would give me a valid reason to be sitting at a table too. Also I know that this pub hires bands/musicians to play there so I could also use this as a reason to talk to her. What I mean is I could tell her that I was looking for somewhere new to play and ask her if she knew if the place was hiring. What do you think?

being a musician and playing a guitar is an extremely attractive asset. Why do you think bands have groupies? And most band members aren't great looking. I'm not saying you're not good looking but playing guitar raises a guy's attractiveness up several notches. So you're onto a winner there OP.
The girl will be most definitely flattered by being asked out. And don't worry if she has a boyfriend you'll feel amazing having done something most people are terrified of doing.

PS would you be serious about trying to get a gig at the pub? I know you're using it as a ruse but would you consider playing there? It would be a good way to get to know this girl and also seeing you play might turn her to jelly!
I know it's a terrifying thing to do especially for someone with social anxiety but some musicians are comfortable playing music.

LegacyUser

I like the plan wrote: »

First off, well done for wanting to go through with this. As someone who suffered from social anxiety, this kind of thing is terrifying. So well done!



being a musician and playing a guitar is an extremely attractive asset. Why do you think bands have groupies? And most band members aren't great looking. I'm not saying you're not good looking but playing guitar raises a guy's attractiveness up several notches. So you're onto a winner there OP.
The girl will be most definitely flattered by being asked out. And don't worry if she has a boyfriend you'll feel amazing having done something most people are terrified of doing.

PS would you be serious about trying to get a gig at the pub? I know you're using it as a ruse but would you consider playing there? It would be a good way to get to know this girl and also seeing you play might turn her to jelly!
I know it's a terrifying thing to do especially for someone with social anxiety but some musicians are comfortable playing music.

I do have gigging experience and I'm currently in the process of finding a new band, so playing live is certainly something that I'm comfortable doing, but I'm not a solo musician and wouldn't normally play without a band. My style of music is based heavily on improvisation though (I can't read music) so I'm wondering whether pubs would want to hire that kind of a musician without a band, at least a guitar player anyway. Though I also play the keyboard (improv stuff) in the same style and that may be more sought after, I dunno. Once I'm actually playing though I have no confidence issues whatsoever. It's only the verbal communication where my issues lie.

Justask

LegacyUser

Justask wrote: »

I don't follow. Have I confused you or something?

Silverfish

Justask wrote: »

If you haven't anything to add, please don't post.

Off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum. Please read the charter and abide by it.

Kimia

I agree with the poster who said go up to her and be direct. I am a girl and to be honest if I saw a guy I had given the glad eye to a week ago come in and just stare at me (trying to read my body language as you say) I would be freaked out and that would be that.

However, if a guy walked into the pub, sat down, with a newspaper say, ordered a pint from me and then at the first opportunity (when I come over to take his drink order say) say to me 'Hi, i saw you here last week, I know you're working now but I'd love to go for a drink with you sometime'. I would be chuffed!!

And just so you know, even if I really didn't like the guy, and it was all in his head, I would still be chuffed! And unless she's a total bítch she will either accept your invitation or turn you down gently.

Best of luck! Don't go in and try and read her body language though that just sounds odd.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

I agree with the poster who said go up to her and be direct. I am a girl and to be honest if I saw a guy I had given the glad eye to a week ago come in and just stare at me (trying to read my body language as you say) I would be freaked out and that would be that.

However, if a guy walked into the pub, sat down, with a newspaper say, ordered a pint from me and then at the first opportunity (when I come over to take his drink order say) say to me 'Hi, i saw you here last week, I know you're working now but I'd love to go for a drink with you sometime'. I would be chuffed!!

And just so you know, even if I really didn't like the guy, and it was all in his head, I would still be chuffed! And unless she's a total bítch she will either accept your invitation or turn you down gently.

Best of luck! Don't go in and try and read her body language though that just sounds odd.

She doesn't work behind the bar (at least from what I saw last time) and just brings orders to the tables.

And if I am going to be rejected, I'd rather not have that happen around other people.

So if I'm going with the quick and direct approach I would probably have no choice but to do it in the way the other poster suggested (that is to go right up to her and stop her in her tracks while she's working).

I honestly don't know which approach is within my abilities right now. Just starting to get a bit frustrated.

Kimia

It's a pub, if she rejects you it will be around other people unfortunately. But come on, have a little faith, even if she does reject you she's hardly going to point and roar laughing now is she? People don't do that!

I meant in my post to stop her when she delivers a drink to your table, or when she takes your order at your table. I woudn't just stop her when she's walking around, that's weird.

Piriz

im glad the girl above supports my earlier suggestion of being direct..
seriously buddy the approach of trying to chat her up with your guitar beside you when she brings you a pint is gona die on its ass.
everything i wrote about what to say to her is taken from your first post..as in it is how you feel and summarises what you think..
you could make her very uncomfortable if you sit there watching her work waiting to open conversations..bit stalkery like. it shows you are only there to try and 'pick her up' but it could create a terrible atmosphere..the in and out approach is what everyone would prefer if it was to happen to them..
when you go into the pub find a space where there is some privacy from people overhearing and then the first thing you say is..'can i speak with you over here for a sec'. she will prefer this too as she will also not like people overhearing what you are about to say and what her reaction is..

look all you are doing is saying you like her and here is your number if you want to meet up..

Kimia...would you prefer the in and out approach or where the guy sits with a pint ask straight away and then continue to drink his pint when he has asked you out basically..would it not be best that he is gone and the normal embarrassment is gone too..and then she can take it from there with a text if she wishes?

jaysus i think we are all learning here

Kimia

Piriz wrote: »

im glad the girl above supports my earlier suggestion of being direct..
seriously buddy the approach of trying to chat her up with your guitar beside you when she brings you a pint is gona die on its ass.
everything i wrote about what to say to her is taken from your first post..as in it is how you feel and summarises what you think..
you could make her very uncomfortable if you sit there watching her work waiting to open conversations..bit stalkery like. it shows you are only there to try and 'pick her up' but it could create a terrible atmosphere..the in and out approach is what everyone would prefer if it was to happen to them..
when you go into the pub find a space where there is some privacy from people overhearing and then the first thing you say is..'can i speak with you over here for a sec'. she will prefer this too as she will also not like people overhearing what you are about to say and what her reaction is..

look all you are doing is saying you like her and here is your number if you want to meet up..

Kimia...would you prefer the in and out approach or where the guy sits with a pint ask straight away and then continue to drink his pint when he has asked you out basically..would it not be best that he is gone and the normal embarrassment is gone too..and then she can take it from there with a text if she wishes?

jaysus i think we are all learning here

I think the way you've said it is the best actually. Forget about sitting there with the pint, if she rejects you you're going to want to leg it. In and out is the best way and come on, what have you got to lose!

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

It's a pub, if she rejects you it will be around other people unfortunately. But come on, have a little faith, even if she does reject you she's hardly going to point and roar laughing now is she? People don't do that!

I meant in my post to stop her when she delivers a drink to your table, or when she takes your order at your table. I woudn't just stop her when she's walking around, that's weird.

Oh okay I assumed you meant to go sit up at the bar. So if I go in and choose to sit at a table alone it wouldn't appear wierd then?

I don't understand this bit though:

However, if a guy walked into the pub, sat down, with a newspaper say, ordered a pint from me and then at the first opportunity (when I come over to take his drink order say) say to me 'Hi, i saw you here last week, I know you're working now but I'd love to go for a drink with you sometime'. I would be chuffed!!

You want me to say this to her before I order my drink? Or after I have recieved it?

Sorry I just want to be clear on what you mean, as I really value your perspective on this. Thanks.

LegacyUser

Update after seeing Priz's post-

Well it's going to take an awful lot of 'phsycing up' but if you guys really think this is the only way then I'll set my mind to it and do everything I can to go against my reflexes.

This is going to be an extremely nerve wrecking experience for me though.

Kidchameleon

OP no matter what you do about the girl, you've gotta get yourself out more. Join a club (football, karate etc) get yourself out with workmates, old friends etc.. Do courses to build your confidence. Go on walks, runs etc. You can see for yourself what the problems you have are, deal with them. Good luck mate. Oh and by the way, nobody is happy with their appearance, even people who you would think have sky high confidence.

Good Luck and keep us posted.

Kid.

Piriz

i agree with what Kidchameleon said above.

OP one last thing to remember..she will not reject you in the pub..you are basically saying to her : you like her from when you seen her last week and here is your number if she'd like to text you to meet sometime..then say sorry for interrupting her at work..have a nice night..see ya..
in this exchange she will not be rejecting you thats the beauty of it..this way is much easier for you too..

so let us know what happens...good luck and hope she texts you!:)

Kimia

You're overthinking this now. Just go in, say what Piriz said to say above, and then leave. I know you just asked me about sitting on your own with a newspaper but don't bother with this, it's too much to ask you to do especially as you're not used to being this upfront with women.

Please do it though. Once you do this, you'll see that there was nothing to be scared of and you'll find yourself being more confident. Don't worry!!!

Make sure to come back and tell us how it goes!

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

You're overthinking this now. Just go in, say what Piriz said to say above, and then leave. I know you just asked me about sitting on your own with a newspaper but don't bother with this, it's too much to ask you to do especially as you're not used to being this upfront with women.

Please do it though. Once you do this, you'll see that there was nothing to be scared of and you'll find yourself being more confident. Don't worry!!!

Make sure to come back and tell us how it goes!

Don't worry I'm doing it, regardless of how anxious I get.

I'm going to have to memorize Prizi's words though, as I'm not good at thinking for myself on the spot. Just hope I don't slip up. One word in the wrong place is all it would take and I'd literally be lost for words. There is a lot on the line here.

Anyway I will update you guys on the outcome. Thanks again.

Kimia

Mindlocked wrote: »

Don't worry I'm doing it, regardless of how anxious I get.

I'm going to have to memorize Prizi's words though, as I'm not good at thinking for myself on the spot. Just hope I don't slip up. One word in the wrong place is all it would take and I'd literally be lost for words. There is a lot on the line here.

Anyway I will update you guys on the outcome. Thanks again.

No there's not. It's a random girl, who may say yes or no. Don't pin all your self-esteem on this because then it's an automatic fail.

Repeat to yourself, this is not a big deal. Then afterwards you can say in hindsight how much it mattered. But not now, don't be scaring the shíte out of yourself already!

Piriz

OP im delighted to hear you are going to go through with this...
you are grabbing life by the balls so to speak...
and my guess is you have the ability to be confident just not practised much...
now matter what the outcome this will be an experience you will not regret!

ordinary_girl

Mindlocked wrote: »

Don't worry I'm doing it, regardless of how anxious I get.

I'm going to have to memorize Prizi's words though, as I'm not good at thinking for myself on the spot. Just hope I don't slip up. One word in the wrong place is all it would take and I'd literally be lost for words. There is a lot on the line here.

Honestly, if you bring her to one side like Prizi suggested chances are she'll know you're about to ask her out. (People can usually tell these things, as I'm sure you know.) So a misplaced word here or there won't matter too much because she'll know what you're trying to say. Plus, it can be cute when a guy's nervous! Best of luck, OP!

LegacyUser

Okay well I'm thinking of having something to drink before I leave for the pub. A little bit of dutch courage has allowed me to cope in many normally suicidal social situations in the past. I think it would calm me down.

Also on the chance that I walk in and can't spot her, would it be alright to go order a drink/sit at the bar while I wait for her to show (at which point I'd immediately get up and approach her) or would that give a bad impression? I just don't want to look like a headless chicken if I go in and can't spot her.

Piriz

yea that's a fine idea, have a good luck around the place once or twice at least first tho..like she could be on a lunch break or in the back for something so get yourself a bottle if your waiting...pint is too much! a bottle is quick and looks like you are just getting a quick drink in before you head off, and if she sees you with a pint it could look like you are staying for a bit longer, you don't want that!
anyway here is the trick..wear a jacket..if you have to get a bottle, take your jacket off, when you see her put the jacket back on before you approach her..what this does is lets her know you are not staying..like you could be putting it on while you start talking to her..she knows then as soon as you finish saying your piece you are hitting the road..she'll be glad you are going because she will be slightly embarrassed and will prefer you not being there while she ponders what you have said!
you understand?

by the way this is not pick up artist ****..this is just a bit of social intelligence!

you'll be grand..remember as Rest_Energy said.."it can be cute when a guy's nervous!"

when you hand her your number, you can say 'I'm Brian by the way!' or what ever your name is.

LegacyUser

Okay got it. Thanks once again Piriz.

Des Carter

Hey OP
Fair play for going ahead with this.
Just wondering what time you intend on going at I would assume the saturday evening will be fairly busy and mightnt be the best. But you could go in during the day when its quiter.

LegacyUser

Des Carter wrote: »

Hey OP
Fair play for going ahead with this.
Just wondering what time you intend on going at I would assume the saturday evening will be fairly busy and mightnt be the best. But you could go in during the day when its quiter.

Hi, I was planning on going in at 9pm as that's roughly the time I was there last week. The reason for this is I don't want to risk turning up before or after her shift.

Yes going in the day would be ideal, and far far easier for me, but how sure can I be sure that she'd be working then? Perhaps she will be but if I go then and find she's not there I may appear strange coming back again later on. Or am I just thinking nonsense?

LegacyUser

I have to say fair play to you man.I wouldn't have that much courage to go up to the girl I like and do that.

I think you are really overthinking this though.So what if you walk in and out of the pub a few times that night.Maybe you are just looking for the right place to have a drink and you decide that it was this particular pub.Don't be putting to much stress on yourself.I know it's easier said than done,but just relax and take it step by step.You'll do great.Good luck to you.

And again,you're very courageous.

LegacyUser

Guys I'm starting to have second thoughts about this..

I have just had this f*cking nasty red spot appear on my face. It's to the far right side of my jaw so it's not in the center of my face but I still think it looks hideous. I tend not get spots until a time where I desperately don't want any (don't care otherwise), which of course is exactly when they choose to appear! Say this girl did turn out to be attracted to me would one spot generally turn a girl off?

Also I've been looking at myself (taking pictures as I normally do) and I'm finding the possibility that this girl was attracted to me even less likely by the day. I really think I have very unnattractive facial features and you should see this girl..........

JohnnyQuid

Mindlocked wrote: »

Guys I'm starting to have second thoughts about this..

I have just had this f*cking nasty red spot appear on my face. It's to the far right side of my jaw so it's not in the center of my face but I still think it looks hideous. I tend not get spots until a time where I desperately don't want any (don't care otherwise), which of course is exactly when they choose to appear! Say this girl did turn out to be attracted to me would one spot generally turn a girl off?

Also I've been looking at myself (taking pictures as I normally do) and I'm finding the possibility that this girl was attracted to me even less likely by the day. I really think I have very unnattractive facial features and you should see this girl..........

I think the only reason you're getting these spots is from the stress you're putting yourself under.Seriously man,you just have to calm down.I know it might not be easy do but atleast try.

LegacyUser

JohnnyQuid wrote: »

I think the only reason you're getting these spots is from the stress you're putting yourself under.Seriously man,you just have to calm down.I know it might not be easy do but atleast try.

Yeah I've been trying to calm myself down but the closer it came to the weekend, the more stressed I got.

I've decided I can't take the stress anymore so I'm seriously considering putting my coat on and going down to the pub tonight to see if she's there. I just want to get it over with.

LegacyUser

Mindlocked wrote: »

Guys I'm starting to have second thoughts about this..

I have just had this f*cking nasty red spot appear on my face. It's to the far right side of my jaw so it's not in the center of my face but I still think it looks hideous. I tend not get spots until a time where I desperately don't want any (don't care otherwise), which of course is exactly when they choose to appear! Say this girl did turn out to be attracted to me would one spot generally turn a girl off?

Also I've been looking at myself (taking pictures as I normally do) and I'm finding the possibility that this girl was attracted to me even less likely by the day. I really think I have very unnattractive facial features and you should see this girl..........

OP stop worrying about the way you look. You said earlier you are a musician and that is way cool and admirable. Think about that: how you play and arent afraid to get up in front of people and play. A lot of people cant do that. You should be proud of yourself.
That should give you loads of confidence.

You should walk in there with your guitar over your shoulder and walk up to the girl.
If you cant see her, sit at the bar and have a glass/bottle (Please dont drink too much).
If anyone asks, you are jamming with a few mates. But if the barman asks, just ask him out straight about playing there - you said yourself you were thinking about playing there.


Take it easy. You are cool. You have a talent that make most girls crazy.
Think about that. Forgrt about a spot that probably only you can see.

ordinary_girl

Mindlocked wrote: »

Guys I'm starting to have second thoughts about this..

I have just had this f*cking nasty red spot appear on my face. It's to the far right side of my jaw so it's not in the center of my face but I still think it looks hideous. I tend not get spots until a time where I desperately don't want any (don't care otherwise), which of course is exactly when they choose to appear! Say this girl did turn out to be attracted to me would one spot generally turn a girl off?

If you draw attention to it then she'll notice it, but otherwise I doubt she'd notice. And if you find someone attractive, at least for me anyway, them having a spot wouldn't put me off. Everyone gets them at some stage! If you don't do it, do you think you'll regret it? Your answer to that question should indicate what you should do.

Piriz

Stop taking photos of yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i like the way i look most of the time, yet if i took photos of myself all the time and analysed them it wouldn't do me any good!
some people are not photogenic, if you have one photo of yourself that you like this is the only one you should be looking at!
don't worry about the spot..its not in the centre of your face..
stick with the original game plan! look you are doing this for you..its as much about you being brave and confident as it is about the girl!
you have a low opinion of yourself sometimes it seems..you have to break through this and treat yourself better..when you do this others will too.
Your only 21, lots of 21 year olds feel the way you feel, however most are better able to conceal it then you...you need to follow suit! Confidence comes with experience and with age...put your self in situations where you are out of your comfort zone..don't over think things too much but learn how to be mentally prepared..
Just this evening in tesco i saw a pretty unattractive guy with a smokin hot girl in the que...he was dressed sharp/trendy and was confident thats how he is with her...also i think we all make the error of putting hot girls on a pedestal...lets learn not to do that eh!
There is no pressure for you follow through with this girl..if you want to do it do it! but you need to work on your self esteem!
look up the dictionary definition of self esteem and read up on techniques to improve it..
socially your mind should be on whats going on in the outside world not whats going on in your mind! remember that coz its your new goal!

LegacyUser

Yeah I've managed to calm myself down... at least enough so that I won't find myself rushing out the door tonight..

I've just been feeling terrified that another spot will creep up in the middle of my face between now and tomorrow, and ruin any chance of me going down, which is why I felt the urge to go down tonight.

Anyway I'm waiting till the set day (tomorrow). I'll just have to hope I feel better about myself by tomorrow and don't find something else has come along to tear down my confidence.

Des Carter

My advise would be to go into the pub tomorrow around 2 or 3. Have a paper or laptop with you. Get a plate of chips and a drink (not too strong). See if she is there. Go onto your laptop and get last minute advise on boards or just read the paper. If Shes not there just leave and go again in the evening. If She is there go up to her when your finished, Ask her out and you can leave straight away if things go pear shaped or get arkward.

Piriz

nothing wrong with going in early but don't do the laptop or news paper thing..we discussed this..stick to the in & out game plan..its best..laptop or newspaper thing is stalkery i.e. peering over the top of the screen/newspaper to catch a glimpse of her...no f*ckin way man...
you know what to do!
good luck to day dude!

LegacyUser

I won't be going earlier than the time I set (9pm), as if I go earlier in the day and she's not there I may not be mentally able to go back a second time.

I know I'll be able to do this, whether I'll come across as the calm guy I want to be percieved as is another thing. That is ultimately what I want (as in I don't want to leave the pub tonight worried if I put her off with the way I talked/acted).

Anyway roll on 9pm, I just want to get this done. Thanks for the lorry load of advice piriz and everyone else. I hope I'll have good news to tell later on.

LegacyUser

She wasn't there. Lol.........

....I'm laughing because I am currently overwhelmed with relief. Although at the same time I'm a bit dissapointed and wish that all the preparation and stress I put myself through wasn't all for nothing..

So if you're all interested in how vigilant I was.. Well I walked in (feeling like I was about to pass out) and walked down towards the end of the pub (it's big) - no sign of her anywhere. The place was also practically empty of customers so it's not as if she could have been in the middle of a crowd or something. So at this point I decided to order a drink at the bar and just sit there keeping my eyes open for her. So I was about 15 minutes there and there was still no sign of her anywhere, so had a trip to the toilet, glanced around once more and then left.

I only just realized that this girl may have just randomly chosen to work the saturday night I was there before and doesn't normally work weekends, so perhaps I would have been better trying a weekday.

I dunno if I should just call this the end now though? I suppose it would probably be better for me that I did. I mean I went down prepared to do this and now I'm hoping I'll feel some closure and continue to feel satisfied that I tried.

Maybe I'm better off just trying to attract female attention with my music, where my natural confidence lies.

wylo

Its a shame you dont know her even a small bit more, because then facebook would be ok , i know theres alot of "stay away from facebook" advice here, but cmon its 2010 ffs. I see lots of people adding each other that they barely know. I got an invite from a girl that I met once through friends. I found it a bit odd but it didnt bother me. And it turns out she wasnt even coming onto me ,she was kind of socially networking, and its all for the better cause ive met her once or twice more and we get on very well because of it.

My point is, if you had an excuse to know her second name, or a mutual friend or something you could add her. Its a shame to throw away an opportunity just cause people are telling you stay away from facebook.

All that aside fair play for going down, i wish id the balls to do something like that, a serious amount of fellas dont you know! Most couples I know have originated from at least one drunken kiss which kind of makes the whole thing much easier.

face1990

Be proud that you had the balls to go through with it. Hopefully it'll make it easier to do something like that again, whether it's with that girl or some other one.