Do I tell the cheats wife?

luciusesox

Hi all, don't post often but now want to draw on the collective wisdom of the Boardsies.
I found out yesterday that my wife (of 15 years) has been having an online affair with a guy she knows from 25 years ago. They connected on Facebook and met up when he was in Dublin last week for a visit - I even dropped her off at the pub... Anyway, I got suspicious (furtive clicking off screens when I entered the room and so on), so accessed her Facebook account yesterday and found a stack of messages going back months. They started innocent and then got flirty and the ones after they met up in the pub where indecent and included plans for them to meet up on Thursday in London (where my wife was going for a visit to meet up with old friends) for sex.
So I left and spent last night in a hotel.
So here's my question to you all. He is married with 3 kids. Do I tell his wife and pass on the messages that showed what they were up to and what they were planning to do? I know they haven't done anything, but that is only because (thank God) I found out beforehand, but is that any reason not to tell her?
Any advice greatly appreciated (and if anyone knows any good lawyers...).

LuciusEsox

Wibbs

I'd look to your own situation first and stay out of the other relationship. She may be grateful or equally she may wish to deny it to herself, or blame your wife, or they may have an arrangement about such things. In any case her life is no business of yours. IMHO anyway.

Get legal advice for you.

Elle Collins

luciusesox wrote: »

So here's my question to you all. He is married with 3 kids. Do I tell his wife and pass on the messages that showed what they were up to and what they were planning to do?

I wouldn't say this in all cases but in this one I would say yes, you should.

Moomoo1

Elle Collins wrote: »

I wouldn't say this in all cases but in this one I would say yes, you should.

yep, same here. And to OP, as Wibbs says, talk to a member of the legal profession.

SarahSassy

Absolutely otherwise he will get away with it.
.

How Strange

Do whatever you feel you should do. I'd be inclined to deal with your wife and sort out your own marriage first.
There's no right or wrong answer and you'll find people have very strong opinions on this issue.

Emme

SarahSassy wrote: »

Absolutely otherwise he will get away with it.
.

Sort out your own issues, get legal advice but definitely tell his wife.

luciusesox

Thanks for the comments folks. An update for ye... They are now both trying to stop me telling his wife. My wife is threatening to make my life hell (as if it isn't anyway) by revealing sexual peccadilloes etc, and he is messaging me sympathetically, arguing that as they didn't do anything there is no need to take it out on his wife.

How Strange wrote: »

Do whatever you feel you should do. I'd be inclined to deal with your wife and sort out your own marriage first.

Good advice HowStrange but I can't see any way back from this. My marriage is dead in the water.

LegacyUser

um, my advice is no, dont call his wife YET.

sort out the marriage with your wife FIRST.

one thing at a time. it's already very complicated.

but, well, i do agree to tell his wife LATER.

Emme

luciusesox wrote: »

Thanks for the comments folks. An update for ye... They are now both trying to stop me telling his wife. My wife is threatening to make my life hell (as if it isn't anyway) by revealing sexual peccadilloes etc, and he is messaging me sympathetically, arguing that as they didn't do anything there is no need to take it out on his wife.

If he was that worried he shouldn't have had an affair in the first place.

Bottle_of_Smoke

luciusesox wrote: »

Thanks for the comments folks. An update for ye... They are now both trying to stop me telling his wife. My wife is threatening to make my life hell (as if it isn't anyway) by revealing sexual peccadilloes etc, and he is messaging me sympathetically, arguing that as they didn't do anything there is no need to take it out on his wife.



Good advice HowStrange but I can't see any way back from this. My marriage is dead in the water.

I would be inclined to use this as a bargaining chip with the financial side of the divorce.

Being honest with yourself, you want to tell his wife to get revenge for him trying to f*ck your wife.

What he did was awful, but he betrayed his wife, not you. Your wife betrayed you, so get revenge on her. She probably won't actually care that much if you tell his wife. She will really care if you get a better deal in the divorce over it though.

Ickle Magoo

I think in the short term lashing out at everyone involved will make you feel better but ultimately achieves nothing for you. Start sorting out in your head what you want to do now and get legal advice if you need it - you can always decide to tell the wife later on if you still want to.

Best of luck.

luciusesox

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

What he did was awful, but he betrayed his wife, not you. Your wife betrayed you, so get revenge on her. She probably won't actually care that much if you tell his wife. She will really care if you get a better deal in the divorce over it though.

I'm not sure I would call it revenge (though it probably is). My marriage ended yesterday because of both of them. I don't know where I'll be living next week. I miss my grown up daughter and my dog like mad, and I know that after the anger the pain will come down on me hard. And he gets to walk away from this scot free with no ramifications? Perhaps it's more like justice than revenge though it's hard to unravel.

muboop1

Access her fb account again and print out the pages, also buy a disposable camera and take pictures of it. Why?

Well if this stuff goes the legal route at all it will give you the upper hand. Irish law tends to favour the women this will at the minimum balance it. In reality it will give you leverage.

My rational behind printing and pictures are, I am not a lawyer I do not know how well printouts stand up in court. I do know Pictures stand up well but only once they aren't digital cameras(digital camera pictures can be faked so you need the real type camera)


Do this soon, before she changes her password.

Immediately seek legal help. After 15 years there are likely to be assets and maybe kids. This will be messy and you need a game plan.

Edit- I wish you the best. For now, do as I and others have suggested and go the legal route. Cut off contact with her and him until you have your financials and legal side in order.

Some people just are bad and selfish. You wife was on of these. You own her nothing. Look after yourself.

Moomoo1

luciusesox wrote: »

and he is messaging me sympathetically, arguing that as they didn't do anything there is no need to take it out on his wife.

sympathetically? Words fail me...

Zen65

luciusesox wrote: »

So here's my question to you all. He is married with 3 kids. Do I tell his wife and pass on the messages that showed what they were up to and what they were planning to do? I know they haven't done anything, but that is only because (thank God) I found out beforehand, but is that any reason not to tell her?
Any advice greatly appreciated (and if anyone knows any good lawyers...).

LuciusEsox

No.

This man has hurt you, but his wife and kids are innocent in this debacle. Telling her about the "affair which never quite happened" is not going to repair anything, but it may have a devastating effect on these innocent people.

Consider only how to proceed with your own marriage, or divorce as appropriate. Leave this other family to make their own way.


Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

It's fine to tell her but only for the right reasons. If you are interested in saving your marriage and working things through with your wife, then telling all parties will put pressure on their affair. It will remove the mystique and expose it's ugliness in the cold light of day. It is the only chance you have of ending it. While your at it tell her friends and family and explain that you love her and want to mend this put will require help from everyone in turning her back to you. Expect them to have made up a cover story already and try to turn this on you. If you make it very clear why you're telling everyone, you won't come off looking vindictive.

If you just want revenge and have given up on the marriage you will come off looking worse.

Either way, get a lawyer.

luciusesox

Moomoo1 wrote: »

sympathetically? Words fail me...

What he actually wrote was:
"I can only imagine how you are feeling right now having seen the messages between me and ****, but I can asure you that nothing actually happened between me and ****, the messages are between two people who fancied each other 25+ years ago and where full of flattery from both sides. In my opinion I think you should reconsider your decision to leave ****. Also I am not sure what you hope to achieve by informing my wife of these messages except for exporting the anger you feel right now to another innocent person, this could push her over the edge, also be aware that there are also young kids in the mix and the effect it could have on them. So I will ask you not to send any of the messages to my wife."

This from the man who was planning to f*ck my wife in various places and positions (oh, they went into great detail about how they were going to do it) on Thursday next.

Beruthiel

luciusesox wrote: »

Thanks for the comments folks. An update for ye... They are now both trying to stop me telling his wife. My wife is threatening to make my life hell (as if it isn't anyway) by revealing sexual peccadilloes etc, and he is messaging me sympathetically, arguing that as they didn't do anything there is no need to take it out on his wife.

Ask yourself why you are doing this.
Revenge.
You are lashing out and trying to make them pay for their behaviour.
You're angry, and rightly so.
Have you thought of his children in all this?

Do not get involved in someone elses relationship, you have no idea of the fallout.
If he does this again, his wife will eventually find out. But it shouldn't be from you.
Spend your time and energy sorting out your own mess. Get legal advice.

Woddle

Keep it to yourself for now and get your seperation agreement or whatever in place abd when the dust is falling fcuk him up by telling his wife but sort yourself out first.

Woddle

luciusesox wrote: »

this could push her over the edge, also be aware that there are also young kids in the mix and the effect it could have on them. .

Well he should have thought about that and should he not man up and tell his wife. You'll be doing her a favour in the long run if you do tell her.

sbsquarepants

luciusesox wrote: »

I'm not sure I would call it revenge (though it probably is). My marriage ended yesterday because of both of them. I don't know where I'll be living next week. I miss my grown up daughter and my dog like mad, and I know that after the anger the pain will come down on me hard. And he gets to walk away from this scot free with no ramifications? Perhaps it's more like justice than revenge though it's hard to unravel.

What possible good would telling his wife achieve? You could break up a family, cause untold upheavel to his wife and kids etc and what will it get you? Absolutely nothing!
This bloke didn't make you any promise of fidelity, your wife did, he hasn't betrayed you, your wife has! Your anger should really be directed at your wife and to prove that point, look at how she is reacting to being caught!
Yes he has betrayed his own wife but that's not your problem, it's hers!
I know you're hurting right now, but it will serve you well to remember who it was that caused you to be. I'm all for revenge, but only against the right people.
Don't get me wrong, i'm in no way standing up for him, but your deal was with 1 person, not the world. The rest of mankind didn't swear to stay away from your wife, she swore to stay away from them. She's the liar, she's the cheat and she's the one you have a problem with. You haven't a clue what she told him, all you know for sure is she is a liar and she is now also a trainee black mailer! In short she's poison - he's just some bloke from another country who didn't owe you the time of day!

luciusesox

Thanks for all the help folks. I think I'll take the main theme of the advice and sort out my life before deciding what to do, after all the Russians put it very well - Revenge is a dish best served cold.
It turns out that his wife comes from a big family in Dublin and my wife has reason to be scared if they find out (apparently there was some trouble between them years ago) so the plot thickens.
Thanks again.

p.s. My wife has deleted her facebook account but I have the messages stored offline

Moomoo1

luciusesox wrote: »

Thanks for all the help folks. I think I'll take the main theme of the advice and sort out my life before deciding what to do, after all the Russians put it very well - Revenge is a dish best served cold.

ahem

The first written appearance of the proverb "revenge is a dish best served cold" is often wrongly credited to the 18th century novel Les liaisons dangereuses; it does not, in fact, appear there in any form. It is also said to have been borrowed by late 19th century British writers from the Afghan Pashtuns.[4] However, its earliest identified appearance in European literature is in the 1841 French novel Mathilde by Marie Joseph Eugène Sue: la vengeance se mange très-bien froide — there italicized as if quoting a proverbial saying — published in English translation in 1846 as revenge is very good eaten cold.[5]

luciusesox wrote: »

It turns out that his wife comes from a big family in Dublin and my wife has reason to be scared if they find out (apparently there was some trouble between them years ago) so the plot thickens.
Thanks again.

p.s. My wife has deleted her facebook account but I have the messages stored offline

given all that, why is it that YOU moved out of the family home and not your wife?

anyway, all the more reason for you and the wife to settle out of court. Favourably to you.

EDIT: and then you can tell everybody

Wibbs

Moomoo1 wrote: »

given all that, why is it that YOU moved out of the family home and not your wife?

anyway, all the more reason for you and the wife to settle out of court. Favourably to you.

+1 on both points.

metrovelvet

You want revenge? Dig two graves.

Your kids will pay for it.

sbsquarepants

luciusesox wrote: »

Thanks for all the help folks. I think I'll take the main theme of the advice and sort out my life before deciding what to do, after all the Russians put it very well - Revenge is a dish best served cold.
It turns out that his wife comes from a big family in Dublin and my wife has reason to be scared if they find out (apparently there was some trouble between them years ago) so the plot thickens.
Thanks again.

p.s. My wife has deleted her facebook account but I have the messages stored offline

Sounds quite murky!
Revenge is all well and good, but it wont put a roof over your head or food on your table. You have a lot of leverage here (again i stress, to use against your soon to be ex wife) Sort yourself out and don't be rash. Remeber, Irish courts care far more about gender than rights or wrongs, so if i was you i'd use this leverage to stay out of court and get myself at least an equal share of the house and belongings etc. Sad thing is 50% would be a good outcome, but it's a lot better than some dingy bedsit while you pay her mortgage!
Also, I think you may have made a mistake moving out (could be seen as abandonment), i'd get my arse back in pronto if i was you. Uncomfortable, certainly, but at least you have the moral high ground. Just play it wisely and insure it's not all your left with!
Best of luck

fungun

that message from him is the biggest load of ****e. Oooh, think of my kids, think of my kids. He should have thought of his kids, he has no right to make you feel bad about telling his wife.

If your wife is actually scared about what happens if this is found out its a great level for you. Although since nothing actually hppened you do have to be careful....can you actually prove anything that is clearly more than flirting/inapproprate emails?

luciusesox

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Also, I think you may have made a mistake moving out (could be seen as abandonment), i'd get my arse back in pronto if i was you. Uncomfortable, certainly, but at least you have the moral high ground. Just play it wisely and insure it's not all your left with!
Best of luck

A few have made this point and it's well made. Just found out she is still going away to London tomorrow for a week (though she said she's not going to meet him...) so I'm going home for the week while I decide what to do.
Sadly I was considering a bedsit and pay the mortgage . Can't see her moving out at all and I don't think I could handle moving into the spare room.

As for proof FunGun, the emails did move beyond inappropriate and into planning where, when, and how they were going to do the deed so I don't know if that counts.

Wibbs

Not to get into a whole debate on the matter, but why should you leave when she's been the one at fault? Why should you get a bedsit and pay her mortgage. Get legal advice ASAP. If the house is all in your name(doubtful I suppose) then you may have more recourse. If its not then you could sell the house and split the proceeds(though TBH that would rankle with me if she hadnt paid equally into it). There are all sorts of options, but you need good legal advice to explore them. Forget about yer man and his wife and kids. Not your problem. Your cheating wife and your future are your problem. Do you have children yourselves? They have to be taken into account of course and how much you can make their lives easier and their futures secure. This does not automatically mean she gets to swan off unmolested in a house you saw was yours equally.

LegacyUser

For legal reasons I think it's in your best interest not to disclose anything to his wife - by not disclosing this it will give you a better character reference in court. If you tell his wife it could be used as a way to show your demands in the seperation are partly based on revenge. If you stay clear of messing up your own character in the eyes of the law and act respectfully it could pay off in the long term with better seperation deal as her legal team won't be able to attack your character.

After all the legal ranglings are over and done with and your head is clear, then I think you can decide whether it is fair to tell his wife.

+1 to the posts saying to make sure you have your evidence safe! Print off a number of copies, put them in different places, email yourself a few copies, set up a new email account (one she doesn't know about so won't have password access just incase she knows your current email account details) so you can have a permanent store online. That stuff is your ticket out of that mess.

Hope your keeping well all the same.

greengiant09

definitely keep those messages....who knows what will happen in the future!....this guy and your wife could try to fock you up later on. you'd be an absolute fool to delete them...use them as a bargaining chip.

i would definitely tell his wife further down the line when the dust settles!!!.....this guy needs to be thought a lesson!...you'd be 100% justified in telling her. you can't let people walk all over you....he's full of sh*t with his excuses.

metrovelvet

If the marriage was truly over anyway, why does this piss you off so much?

Secondly, breaking into emails and facebooks are against the law and you could be charged. Infedility btw isn't a crime.

luciusesox

metrovelvet wrote: »

If the marriage was truly over anyway, why does this piss you off so much?

Secondly, breaking into emails and facebooks are against the law and you could be charged. Infedility btw isn't a crime.

Firstly this came out of the blue, and I didn't think the marriage was over (hence pissed off).
Secondly username/password details for her account were stored, all I did was click login.

diverdad

metrovelvet wrote: »

If the marriage was truly over anyway, why does this piss you off so much?

Secondly, breaking into emails and facebooks are against the law and you could be charged. Infedility btw isn't a crime.

Hacking somebodys online account could be construed as criminal. If however the person has made the password known or left it open then I doubt that a crime has been committed.

On the subject of crime; if your wife threatens you with revelations about your sexual relationship then I would call her on it. Just pick up the phone and speak to your nearest Garda station about advice concerning a case of blackmail. Do it in front of her.
The Guards are a lot more sensifitive about issues like that nowadays. They have people trained to deal with things like that.
Unless your were practicing some illegal acts with minors or animals or forcing yourself onto her or coercing her [through violence or whatever] to perform sexual acts; you have nothing to worry or be ashamed about.

But she may have if the Guards decide to have a quiet word with her.

angelxx

OP, I really feel for you, this must be an awful time but if your wife couldn't respect
your marraige she doesn't deserve your love. If I was in your position I would tell
his wife as she has a right to know. Hope it all works out for you.

SarahSassy

Do not move even out of your bedroom. When she is in London move all HER stuff into the spare room and set yourself up nicely in the main bedroom.

They are some sods for doing this to you and on foot of his email I would definitely be telling his wife but only do so when you have calmed down and then give her copies of the printouts...

HE should have thought about HIS kids when HE was planning to meet your wife. He is just making a mug out of you by that mail.

Sound Bite

OP, you are the wronged party.

I would suggest you don't move out. Why should you?
Don't end up paying mortgage & rent.
Get legal advise asap to see where you stand & options available to you.
Empty any joint accounts that don't require both signatures (unless legal advice is otherwise.
Keep records of everything, texts, facebook, bank statements etc.

I understand the wanting to tell his wife but can see several reasons why you shouldn't at least not know.

- His text message sounds like he doesn't want to leave his wife & prob will not unless, said wife chucks him out. If she does him & your wife will obliviously give things a proper go. If not eventually, you wife will realise that he won't leave his & will probably end up with neither of ye.

- I'd keep your composure, could stand to you in court & also in later years, your children will probably respect the way your reacted to the whole situation.

luciusesox

Thanks a lot folks, a rational consensus is emerging. Stay put, get advice, hold off from sending the messages to his wife. This has been a bitch of a 24 hours for me (not least because of crappy hotel internet access) and you folks have helped tremendously.

Fittle

Hey OP, firstly really sorry you're going through this - sound's like a very difficult and torturing situation.

A few people are saying you'll do well in a settlement etc - I'm not married, nor have I seperated so perhaps I'm wrong here - but to look at this from another angle, they met for a drink and sent dirty emails to each other. Your wife didn't actually commit infidelity. Nor did he (on his wife). Would a judge make it a 'win-win' scenario for you, based on dirty e-mails???

I'm far from defending her or him. I believe in Karma and I believe that he will get his commupence, whether it's you who tells him about this or not. I'd say don't tell his wife - if he was so quick to meet your wife and plan a dirty weekend away, you can bet he'll just as easily jump into bed with the next woman who comes along (god help his poor wife:().

I think by telling his wife, you are just creating more hurt and pain for yourself because I'd say one day, you'll regret doing it. Like if you REALLY wanted to tell her, you'd have done it, and wouldn't have come onto boards looking for advice. It won't do anyone any good. I think you've already made your decision anyway - best of luck OP.

metrovelvet

Try to keep in mind that infidelity hasnt been committed yet.

LegacyUser

Facebook is now a pretty common citation in divorce cases these days; from what I read in this post there was intent on their behalf in relation to meeting up for sex...so even though she might not have actually specifically done anything there is just ground for intent.

unreg so can't create proper links but see this:
http://edition.cnn.com/2010/TECH/social.media/06/01/facebook.divorce.lawyers/index.html

Ickle Magoo

That would depend entirely on your definition of infidelity...

Infidelity is a violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of an intimate relationship, which constitutes a significant to extreme breach, or outright default, on the implicit good faith contract of a relationship, or a betrayal of core shared values with which the integrity and nature of the relationship is defined. In common use, it describes an act of unfaithfulness to one’s husband, wife, or lover, whether sexual or non-sexual in nature.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity

I'm not sure why the degree of unfaithfulness is even relevant, what constitutes a dumpable offence is surely fairly subjective?

metrovelvet

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

That would depend entirely on your definition of infidelity...



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity

I'm not sure why the degree of unfaithfulness is even relevant, what constitutes a dumpable offence is surely fairly subjective?

I guess you're right. But strictly speaking the infidelity hasnt happenned yet.

If flirty facebook dumpable?divorceable? Sure, why not? My friends got divorced over unreturned phonecalls. It even says that on the divorce papers.

Ickle Magoo

I took it from the OP that things had only not got physical because he intervened, rather than it "just" being messages. I would consider my partner telling someone what they are going to do to them in bed when they meet as cheating and if it only didn't happen in real life due to my finding out, doubly so.

Unreturned phonecalls? Really? :eek:

SarahSassy

What she did, I would consider infidelity...

metrovelvet

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I took it from the OP that things had only not got physical because he intervened, rather than it "just" being messages. I would consider my partner telling someone what they are going to do to them in bed when they meet as cheating and if it only didn't happen in real life due to my finding out, doubly so.

Unreturned phonecalls? Really? :eek:

I know. Its not nice. It really isnt. Its gotta hurt. But divorceable? Get the lawyers inable? Split up the houseable? Break up a familyable? In this case two. For facebook messages?

I hate facebook.

fungun

Can I ask - how was your marriage?

Sounds like yer man just wanted a shag, prob cos he has young kids and is a bit frustrated, but his efforts to keep his wife and him saying you two should stay together smack of a guy who just wanted a quick shag/affair/excitement but didnt want to leave his wife.

So why did your wife go along with this? Were you a bit unhappy anyway? Was your marriage sexual? What went on that she feels she can blackmail you over? I mean there is lots of sexual stuff Ive done that I wouldnt exactly like being public knowledge (even done a 3some) but really nothing I could be blackmailed over

Just if it comes to divorce, you have to be ready that she might bring up the "our marriage was already over" type line or variations thereof to justify her behaviour, whether it being you being emotionally/sexually unreasonable/unavailable or whatever.

Anyway best of luck. As said above though Id be kicking her out, not going myself!

Ickle Magoo

metrovelvet wrote: »

I know. Its not nice. It really isnt. Its gotta hurt. But divorceable? Get the lawyers inable? Split up the houseable? Break up a familyable? In this case two. For facebook messages?

Too right, if one party destroys all trust in a relationship, what's left? Some people dump over text or messaging, others forgive full-blown long-term affairs. Is investing emotionally and messaging sexually explicit details for months and arranging to meet up any less of a betrayal than visiting a prostitute for a one off, meaningless encounter? I don't think there is a right or wrong, if someone feels their partner has crossed the boundary by such a margin that moving past the issue is impossible then there is no point flogging that dead horse. After all, why should the innocent party force themselves to reconcile with someone they perhaps don't like very much or can't trust ever again or are going to find themselves resenting or questioning all the time?

fungun

metrovelvet wrote: »

I know. Its not nice. It really isnt. Its gotta hurt. But divorceable? Get the lawyers inable? Split up the houseable? Break up a familyable? In this case two. For facebook messages?

I hate facebook.

Depends what your values are really. If my missus had a drunken one night stand there would be grounds for forgiveness. If she was too close to another man emotionally i wouldnt like it either. But deliberately planning an affair and had a flirty emotional online reln with someone else....well, i dont know how id even start to forgive.

metrovelvet

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Too right, if one party destroys all trust in a relationship, what's left? Some people dump over text or messaging, others forgive full-blown long-term affairs. Is investing emotionally and messaging sexually explicit details for months and arranging to meet up any less of a betrayal than visiting a prostitute for a one off, meaningless encounter? I don't think there is a right or wrong, if someone feels their partner has crossed the boundary by such a margin that moving past the issue is impossible then there is no point flogging that dead horse. After all, why should the innocent party force themselves to reconcile with someone they perhaps don't like very much or can't trust ever again or are going to find themselves resenting or questioning all the time?

Great post IM.

I dunno. I'm biased on the anti divorce side, not that I think it should be illegal or have this stupid 4 year separation clause, but we live in a culture that validates, if not encourages replacing one partner/lover with another over and over again in pursuit of something no one knows the meaning of, happiness.

Trust is not absolute or infallible. Takes ions to build and can be shattered in a split second. But it is recoverable.