Sexual frustration - a husbands perspective

LegacyUser

I am married almost 10 years in my mid thirties with 3 fabulous kids and a beautiful wife, however since the birth of our 3rd child almost 11 months ago my wifes sexual appetite has taken a nose dive. I have read that after pregnancy this can happen but its just getting on to almost a year now and I have needs that aren't being fullfilled and I feel the tension is causing problems in our relationship. The sex in between or before the kids never overly frequent but more than enough and provided the intimacy needed for a healthy marraige.

I am still romantic,hygenic, have no money worries,good looking (apologies for modesty) and loving, I know the kids take up most of her and my time (and yes I do more than my fair share around the house) but I feel lack of sex is affecting our intimacy, I have never before been insecure but I'm getting there, as I now crave her attention,her touch,her hugs and her kisses (and personally I feel this is even more important than the sex part). They still happen but I instigate all the kisses or hugs otherwise they wouldn't happen, I feel that she thinks if she kisses me then it'll lead to sex, but I know it won't I just want a kiss from my wife every now and then.

I do think its a vicious circle in that the more I ask for something to happen (I do ask if we are going to make love in a non pushy manner, and believe me nothing will happen if I don't ask) the more she pulls away. And I have tried to bite my tongue for longer periods of time to see if anything happens if I don't ask, as I don't want to be the one who constantly nags for sex - but still nothing happens. Day to day we get on very well, communicate well but when it comes to sex I just feel she holds back and holds out on me. I don't want to sound selfish but surely she should understand the vital importance sex has to a marraige and ok maybe its not her favourite thing to do but we all sacrifice things and do things we don't really want to do for our partners - don't we?

I can't believe such a problem could bring a grown man close to tears, I have a beautiful wife who I still love madly, (and who says she still loves me and I know there's no third party influence) but I feel its like she has the kids now, my job (x3) is done and now I'm locked in, tied to her and she doesn't have to divy out my share. I don't want to leave her she's still a great friend and life partner and I could never leave my kids but its getting so frustrating and the tension on both sides is beginning to raise its head through other little arguments during the week.

I have hired the low libido help books from the library (showing the woman she is completely normal but needs to perk up a little for her husband and her marraige) she accepts its a problem, reads the books but still nothing comes of it. I know Accord do marraige counselling but as everyone always says thats for other couples not us - have we gotten to the stage where we do need it?

What else can I do? is it my fault in some way too?

I have a bad feeling I'm not the only husband out there with this problem.

Virgil°

I think you really need to sit your wife down and stress to her that this is a deal breaker.I doubt you would continue this marriage if you knew this pattern was going to continue for another 10 years.You're not being selfish wanting regular sex and a bit of intimacy without dragging it out of her(I know this feeling, its horrible). I mean you're only 35, thats still quite young and dwindling sex drives on account of aging shouldn't really be an issue(assuming shes roughly the same age as you).
I think you were right aswell about the intimacy thing. I mean even if things did change a little and she had sex with you once a week to shut you up i doubt you would be happy.
Everybody needs to feel wanted.

Tell her almost exactly what you've written here. She may have settled into the mother role so much(without realising it) that she doesn't even have time to think about the romantic side of this relationship.

I don't think getting her to read a book was a strong enough solution. Suggest a romantic weekend away or even an evening while someone minds the kids.
If nothing changes after this then you may want to consider breaking up or staying in a sexless relationship the rest of your days.

mitsy

Hi OP, i am really sorry about the situation you are in. I have been on both sides of the coin and i know how frustrating it is for both of you. I know the feelings of despair when all you want is to feel that connection to your wife again. Feeling wanted and desired really come about from that shared intimacy and when that is gone, it leaves you feeling empty and questioning different areas of your relationship.

From your post, i get the idea that your wife is aware of the problem but is ignoring it or isnt able to deal with it right now. I think if this is the case, you really need to have a talk with her about the issue. You need to be very clear about how you are feeling and how the lack of intimacy is affecting you. I know how difficult it can be to talk about this stuff without coming across as demanding. But make sure she knows how much you love her, reassure her that you arent demanding anything. All you really want at this point is to understand what is going on with her and to try to help come up with a solution.

Couples counselling may be an option if she is willing to go down that road but you can discuss that with her. I think it could be very beneficial to you both.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I agree with the posters above, it is not fair to expect a partner to live in a marriage without physical affection or withdraw physical affection and not make any efforts to remedy the situation. You always instigating sex and her dreading your advances and constantly turning you down will only lead to resentment on both sides.

I think you both need to sit down and have a real heart to heart about what you are both feeling and why and work out a way of tackling the issue - either together or with the help of a third party. I think most importantly you have to stress how big an issue this actually is - and apathetically lapsing into a sexless relationship is not something you are prepared to do. It's all too common for people to suddenly label sex of unnecessary or anyone wanting sex as pestering or greedy re issues about sex in long-term relationships and it's important you stress you view emotionally and physically connecting with a partner as a very, very important part of keeping your marriage and relationship alive and healthy and it's not just you scratching an itch.

All the best.

Beruthiel

Enter sad man wrote: »

I can't believe such a problem could bring a grown man close to tears, I have a beautiful wife who I still love madly.

You say you have asked her for more sex, but, have you actually sat her down and explained in detail exactly how this is making you feel?
Have you said the above words to her?
Talk to her. Pour it all out.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful advice;

@Virgil - On many occassions I have been romantic and have gone for weekend breaks away, but have found that ok sex might happen once over the weekend but its a once off and won't get her in a pattern for sex once we reach home. Its almost like weekend away = sex once to shut him up. With regards to mothering role I thing this could ring quite true she is a great mother but maybe too good and too focused on the kids, she needs to share out the attention a little more in my favour, the kids should obviously get the majority no doubt there.
I have brought the whole issue up with her many many times sometimes and discussed more or less what I have posted here but still no joy, I think she realizes there is a problem but will still play the woman's card (apologies girls don't mean to generalise) and say I'm being too pushy and that she'll do it in her own time (but still won't instigate it) and thus make me feel guilty and inconsiderate for constantly being the one who asks for sex. The argument comes up both in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom so its not that i only bring it up when she's just going to bed and I'm just looking for some.

@ Mitsy - You're right about it making me question other areas of our relationship for the first time ever I have wondered why I choose her all those years ago, was I wrong, did I rush into quick - maybe I didn't, I'm generally happy in all other aspects but this debacle has planted seeds of doubt that I never even considered before.

@ickle magoo - We have heart to hearts and sometimes after them we will have sex that night, and she feels she's solved the issue by giving herself to me once, in other words this one gesture should shut me up for a while but then after that she'll slip into her lax ways, so the issue is never actually dealt with and the problem is continually pushed under the carpet. I do feel like a pestering husband when it comes to sex but i really don't want the issue to get worse but I can't win as this makes me look worse in her eyes each time I bring it up.

@Beruthiel - yes I have poured my heart out to her, one time I even cried in front of her over the issue (only 2nd time she has ever seen me cry) but still no long term change.

Do women not need sex for intimacy too?? To be honest I thought iintimacy would more important to women than to men.

Getting harsh now but I think in this day and age once a woman has her kids she can effectivley trap her husband, in that the woman has what she wants and if they don't want to put in the effort to please their husband they don't have to, as they know that if there are kids involved the husband more than likley isn't going to leave, almost like being blackmailed to stay in a sexless marraige.

I feel its a catch 22 if I bring it up then she feels pestered and will not give in to my demands because she feels I constantly ask for it, and says its all I think about (its not but I'm the type of person if there's a problem I want to solve it as soon as possible and not let it fester, amazingly enough she is the same way inclined but this problem doesn't seem to appear on her radar or certainly not as a serious one anyway) but then if i don't bring it up nothing happens and the problem continues.

Ickle Magoo

Enter sad man wrote: »

@ickle magoo - We have heart to hearts and sometimes after them we will have sex that night, and she feels she's solved the issue by giving herself to me once, in other words this one gesture should shut me up for a while but then after that she'll slip into her lax ways, so the issue is never actually dealt with and the problem is continually pushed under the carpet. I do feel like a pestering husband when it comes to sex but i really don't want the issue to get worse but I can't win as this makes me look worse in her eyes each time I bring it up.

See, that's not finding a way to deal with the issue, that's a disingenuous band-aid to appease you, which must get your hopes up and then become really annoying.

I think you really have to stress that you are really very unhappy and don't want a marriage like this and that the status quo just isn't an option - push that you go to counselling. You may feel trapped and that leaving isn't an option but perhaps she has to realise it is something you are at least giving thought to to understand the serious implications of what she is doing?

I'm married with two kids and if I withdrew affection and intimacy from my husband, I would fully expect him to give me an ultimatum regarding confronting things openly & honestly or accept my unwillingness to deal with the issue will ultimately destroy our relationship.

Virgil°

As some have said earlier maybe try couples counselling.And as ickle said press the severity of the issue ie.... "This changes or i'm going to consider my options elsewhere".
If shes not willing to go or she is and things don't change again after a while then i think you need to end it or face the fact that the rest of your life will be like this.

2 of my uncles had to leave their wives at roughly your age(with 5 kids in one case) and got happily remarried. Not saying it will come to this. Hopefully it wont. But if it does
then theres nothing stopping you from still being an amazing father while also finding yourself some happiness too(and you do deserve it!).
Best of luck.

Emme

Maybe she's feeling tired with the three children. Or maybe she isn't making an effort. Eitherways OP make your feelings known, it's bad enough not getting any because you're not in a relationship but if you're married and not getting any it must be hell!:eek:

If you have to ask every time that's a bit strange. Maybe you could sit down and talk to her about it before doing something as drastic as marriage counselling.

angelxx

After reading your post OP, I think your wife is being quite selfish. You appear
too be attentive, loving and speak so fondly of her, Often a rarity after three kids
and tens years of marraige I imagine. I would suggest couples counselling, your
wife needs to accept how this is affecting you and address her own issues. I wouldn't
let it affect your self esteem as you appear to be a wonderful husband and father, Good
luck!

Sound Bite

Op, given all else appears to have failed, I'd see nothing wrong with printing off your original post and ask her to read it. It comes across as frank but sincere and that this isn't just about sex.

You've tried that sofely softly approach when has not worked. Explain her to her this is not about sex but so much more.

Keep pushing the conversation, until you get to the underlying reason for her reluctance, i.e. whether its tiredness, feeling under appreciated, whether she's put on weight from the pregnancies & is feeling self conscious or unattractice, whether her feelings for you have dimished. Keep talking until you get to the bottom of it.

Without knowing the cause, you cannot find the cure.

It's not a conversation she wants to have but if you both don't have it you're marraige will not last.

fungun

About a year after our second kid was born I felt the same, and at that stage brought it up in terms of that I accepted the dearth of it during certain times, but that by then we should be getting back to a higher baseline!
Brought it up in a positive way, but definitely with a 'im serious about this' vibe in terms of positioning it as a serious marital problem. We both agreed to go to counselling before it came too serious, both felt was more like proactive counselling before it became a major major sticking point.

Anyway even though Id have said I didnt know any other couple who had better communication, it did really help. There are some things that just were easier to say through counselling even though we thought we could say everything. And Id say a mix of the counselling and her realising what it meant to me meant we were very successful. 7 years later and we are at it more than ever So it can still work. If you want more details about what we found successful, pm me, but its not rocket science - making time for each other, making time for sex etc. Often she did want it but at times i wasnt there so sometimes if she was in the mood at lunch time id come home for example....or if she was awake early and wanted it she was explicitly told to wake me as opposed to her feeling she should let me sleep etc.

Be prepared though to talk about crap you dont want to talk about as its usually part of a larger problem, e.g. sharing of housework/parenting, affection usually leading to sex, multiple skeletons!


btw - marriage counselling has a bad name. Its not drastic (have to disagree with emme above on this). We were in no way thinking of breaking up but yet did it. And was very very positive. Best time to do it is before it gets that serious. Be proactive and do it!!!

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I know you're very upset, but can I put in a plea for some sympathy for your wife?

For me, the first child was a total upheaval of how I saw my life, and how I saw myself. And the body shock was huge, even though I'd had no problems. But I was still me, and myself and my husband were still ourselves as a couple.

The second child was more work. Not so easy to have two of them trail around after you, not at all easy to do shopping etc and not as easy leave them to my parents or friends for a break.

But, Lord, when the third child came I didn't know which end was up. It wasn't one more child, it was like all of a sudden there were a multitude - everywhere, all the time. Life became so difficult it became a blur. I remember one day, five years later, looking at myself in the mirror and it was like waking up, like emerging from a fog, and I couldn't figure where those 5 years had gone to.

And you saying you do more than your share around the house doesn't hit it. Thank God you do, because I'm sure she couldn't cope at all if you didn't. But 3 children occupy your entire head, your every thought and all your energy. Especially when the youngest is only 11 months old!!! I'm telling you, the 3rd child is a total shock to the system! Unless maybe she's one of those wonderful women who thrive on children - I wasn't, I had to learn the hard way how to cope.

"I don't want to sound selfish but surely she should understand the vital importance sex has to a marraige and ok maybe its not her favourite thing to do but we all sacrifice things and do things we don't really want to do for our partners - don't we?"

"for the first time ever I have wondered why I choose her all those years ago"

"Getting harsh now but I think in this day and age once a woman has her kids she can effectivley trap her husband, in that the woman has what she wants and if they don't want to put in the effort to please their husband they don't have to, as they know that if there are kids involved the husband more than likley isn't going to leave, almost like being blackmailed to stay in a sexless marraige."

These are terrible things to say - she should sacrifice herself and do things she doesn't really want to do? Surely what you want is that she should want to do them - otherwise, what's the point? And she's trapped you - but you're the one who gave her 3 kids to hang out of her for the rest of her life!

OP, the baby's only 11 months old ffs. The woman is trying to cope. And you want sex - "it's my right!"

As a woman, I feel sexy when I'm relaxed and in good form. And being taken on a weekend away where I know I'm expected to perform would def not do it! Maybe send her off on a weekend with her friends, with no responsibility for a change. I hope she gets out of the house regularly with her friends for long periods. If not, try arranging that. Give her some of her life back.

Can I echo some of the other posters - you strongly need couple's counselling. If you can afford it, I'd go privately to a well-trained, recommended person, not Accord. Ask around, ask your GP as he'll have names. I'd say neither of you understand the world the other is living in and you both need to come up with a strategy to save your marriage.

LegacyUser

turning sex into an ultimatum is gonna ruin your relationship not fix it.

if sex is an issue between you two and she obviously has problems that need to be dealt with, whether they're hormonal or emotional or whatever, pressurising her about it WILL NOT HELP. it will make sex an even more negative concept and will make her feel completely inadequate- i want sex more than you. not a nice thing to be told.

she may not be being nice to you or tending to your needs but are you genuinely tending to hers????

do you really help out as much as you could? the 'background jobs'- sorting clothes, ironing, bathing baby, preparing meals for the next day, cleaning toilets/shower. im not presuming you dont, just asking if you actually do!

do you really give her kisses and cuddles without trying to initiate more?

do you give her time to herself to pamper herself or even just shave/wash/wax, ie get herself prepared so that she feels ready for sex- a quick shower after a day with kids will not make her feel sexy!
if shes feeling unsexy she wont want sex, it could genuinely just be that she doesnt feel sexy enough in herself to do it.

after having kids you dont feel sexy so help her feel sexy,allow her time to get ready,maybe offer to run a bath, and allow her to relax afterwards. someone else preparing a bath is so much nicer than running your own so do it for her. not for sex just for HER.

mind the kids while she gets a shower etc. it makes all the difference, you dont know how horrible a shower is when you can hear the kids screaming and your rushing to get the shampoo out of your hair, you get out feeling less clean than before! it may or may not help but if nothng else it'll make your wife happy.

if shes feeling unnwanted emotionally, only wanted for sex then she wont want sex. you need to snap out of the 'shouldnt she want to please me' mentality and actually genuinely look at it from her point of view.

btw i could be entirely wrong but im just gonna put it out there. because lets face it, a woman isnt gonna withold sex purely to piss you off, there has to be a reason. (and you have kids so she obviously liked it at some stage!) im just giving some possible reasons, they could be all wrong but worth a try.


do you both work? is she with the kids or doing housework all day?
do you get more 'me' time than her?
wen the kids go to bed does she get time to herself, not with you, but alone to relax?

you say you went on romantic weekends before and she had sex to get it done and over with- does that mean that every romantic gesture requires sex in return?
honestly, do you do many romantic things purely just to make her happy or are they all just a way to 'spice things up' or as a lead up to sex? maybe she feels that you dont wanna make her happy, but just want sex.

maybe she has picked up on how you're feeling but shes thinking 'im already a mother, wife, cleaner, cook everything else and id just like to be appreciated for that. not do something that makes feel insecure when im exhausted and i just want to relax with the person i love and enjoy our time together'.

maybe shes not necessarily witholding sex but she wants you to tend to her 'needs' too. does she tend to any of your other needs? dinner, laundry, shopping? maybe if she had to do one less of these she'd feel more willing to have sex. if shes tending to her childs needs and yours all day then maybe sex is just one more thing that gets in the way of her needs. her relaxing time. maybe not, idunno.

only you and her know your relationship,i just think there must be a reason why she doesnt want to have sex and i know that with kids in the picture ive felt all of the above at some stage or another. it may be selfish but after sacrificing (sp?) your body and time and money and lots more for your kids you're entitled to a bit of selfishness! although it shouldnt affect your partner and thats where communication is key.

maybe try some of the things i suggested (if you havent already) and if shes still not changing or making an effort, which she should (if you are too) then consider professional help, even if its just for her, so she can figure out for her herself why she doesnt want to have sex. she may not realise why. i hope this helps. its not entirely her fault. but you need to support her in trying to fix it, not just tell her it needs fixing or you're gone. sorry for thelong post but ive been through phases similar and alot of the time it was for reasonslisted above. although from the sounds of it it may be more serious in your wifes case.

FortyPlusHubby

Hi OP,

I understand your situation very well, been there (still there) & worn the T-Shirt.

One thing you have not mentioned is whether your wife actually gets pleasure from sex when you do have it? Does she orgasm? If she's not getting pleasure from it then she's not going to want it. If she isn't getting an orgasm from sex, maybe you need to start asking her how you could help her to enjoy sex, as opposed to asking her to provide sex.

Previous poster (unregistered) has some excellent advice.

Best of luck,


40pH

Kidchameleon

Sorry about your situation OP. Id definitely recommend counseling, marriage counseling and also post natal counseling for your wife. If it is some sort of post natal depression she has, you've got to understand that her not wanting sex is not a rejection of you, its an uncontrollable feeling that she needs time to overcome. If you have never done anything wrong to make her feel like this, then you know that it is some deep issue she has, just try to get to the bottom of it, that's what will help you guys.

LegacyUser

@Sybill & unregistered,
Thanks for the great advice, some very valid points from the other side of the fence. I can say that I will take a step back and start thinking before I say anything to her as I know bombarment of the subject won't help my cause. I will take a step back and be more attentive without looking for "southern attention". I just hope if I do this that without anyone fighting for my corner that it will begin happen on a "regular" basis (and on her own accord), but I have to say I have my doubts, but I'll give it a whole hearted go! Just one more question to the ladies, does this mean I should wait for her to instigate it from now on?

@fortyplushubby,
yes, when we have sex she does seem to enjoy it, she does orgasm (unless she been faking all these years?). I always think she likes it when we get "there", but its the getting there is the problem. I know 3 kids, housework etc etc get in the way, but many evenings I'll have the house spotless (subconsiously to get her realize she has no /tidying toys/cleaning/washing bottles to do so maybe put some of her free time my way) , I'll give her time for a relaxing bath three/four times a week but still she can't seem to get "there".

Maybe its just a stage in her/our lives and it could get better after another few months after the pregnancy hormones/tiredness subsides(any female input as to roughly how long this non sex period after pregnancy lasts) but I am afraid that it maybe a topic that if it does slip off the agenda over time it will be very hard to get back.

Thanks guys, its a great help and strength to discuss with ye:)

Beruthiel

unregistered comments were spot on.
A woman doesn't start getting turned on when she gets into bed. It starts hours before when she notices her hubby washing up the dishes, giving the bathroom a once over, tidying up the living room, whatever. It shows he cares and gives a damn.
For a woman, that's a big deal.

metrovelvet

Beruthiel wrote: »

unregistered comments were spot on.
A woman doesn't start getting turned on when she gets into bed. It starts hours before when she notices her hubby washing up the dishes, giving the bathroom a once over, tidying up the living room, whatever. It shows he cares and gives a damn.
For a woman, that's a big deal.

Yep. Its 24 hours.

paperclip2

Enter sad man wrote: »

I know 3 kids, housework etc etc get in the way, but many evenings I'll have the house spotless (subconsiously to get her realize she has no /tidying toys/cleaning/washing bottles to do so maybe put some of her free time my way) , I'll give her time for a relaxing bath three/four times a week but still she can't seem to get "there".

Hi OP.

If this come across as having a dig I really dont mean it to be but even though you are making an effort to give your wife some free time it isn't really her free time is it? Its time you want from her. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, its part of any healthy relationship. But if you are doing extra round the house with an ulterior motive it kinda takes the good out of it from her pov perhaps.

Sometimes new mothers can get lost in nappies to the extent that 'being mammy' becomes who they are for a while and the person they were before children goes into hiding. Obviously this causes problems in the relationships that existed prior to becoming a parent. But its very difficult for them to break out from this as most things in their life are reinforcing this view of who they are now. Having a number of young children, PND and being a stay at home parent can make this more extreme. So even though you are doing lots round the house and are making time for her to be herself and give your relationship some attention, mentally and emotionally she might not be able to switch off from being 'Mammy'.

Maybe if you take the focus off 'I miss our sex-life' to 'I miss you' it might help your wife feel more like the woman she is and not just the Mammy.

I hope things work out well for ye OP. Good luck.

up for anything

Enter sad man wrote: »

@Sybill & unregistered,
Thanks for the great advice, some very valid points from the other side of the fence. I can say that I will take a step back and start thinking before I say anything to her as I know bombarment of the subject won't help my cause. I will take a step back and be more attentive without looking for "southern attention". I just hope if I do this that without anyone fighting for my corner that it will begin happen on a "regular" basis (and on her own accord), but I have to say I have my doubts, but I'll give it a whole hearted go! Just one more question to the ladies, does this mean I should wait for her to instigate it from now on?

It depends on how long you can hold out. Are you taking about giving it a whole hearted go for 2/3 weeks or are you able to consider 3 months without freaking? If you are going to do this if I were you I would tell her so she can appreciate a cuddle or the thoughts of falling into bed without wondering are you going to try it on tonight. There is no point if she is constantly wondering how to turn you down if you start. Maybe follow up the couple of months abstinence with a week away from the children if possible where you don't put yourselves under pressure for a few nights first. A weekend isn't much good in that respect because there is no time for her to rediscover her before going for it and you will have waited so long a few days more won't matter.
@fortyplushubby,
yes, when we have sex she does seem to enjoy it, she does orgasm (unless she been faking all these years?). I always think she likes it when we get "there", but its the getting there is the problem. I know 3 kids, housework etc etc get in the way, but many evenings I'll have the house spotless (subconsiously to get her realize she has no /tidying toys/cleaning/washing bottles to do so maybe put some of her free time my way) , I'll give her time for a relaxing bath three/four times a week but still she can't seem to get "there".

As someone else said,there no point in pretending to give her time off if it is for your benefit. Her 'free time' at the moment should be selfish time and not for you to be pulling and dragging out of her instead of the kids.

Maybe its just a stage in her/our lives and it could get better after another few months after the pregnancy hormones/tiredness subsides(any female input as to roughly how long this non sex period after pregnancy lasts) but I am afraid that it maybe a topic that if it does slip off the agenda over time it will be very hard to get back.

No idea. Every woman is different.

From my own experience of this you should be completely honest with her and say that you understand (and I hope you do and are not paying lip service to it) how consumed she is by the children and tiredness and that you are happy to give her time and that you are capable of cuddles without sex (how some people hate that phrase ) and will not hold it against her and get irritable (any more than usual and not about that) and snappy. Tell her how long you have in mind and maybe say that if she fancies it before the time is up that she should initiate it and just because she may do it once or twice, you will not expect it to be business as usual during the lay-off period.

It would also be beneficial if you somehow managed to give her a few weekends away from you and the kids. They don't need to be expensive ones. Just going to stay with a friend or relative.

A few months abstinence now could give you happiness for the rest of your lives. It might seem like you are making all the sacrifices but she has probably made her own that you don't even know about.

It is all about communication. Talk to her and let her talk to you without rancour at what might be revealed.

LegacyUser

just wanted to stress that all the things i listed were not a 'get into her pants plan', it was just a few points as to why she may not want to have sex and how you can help her overcome these issues for her. and in turn, may help the sex along. not a quick fix to get sex, but ways to help her, that may be the reason she doesnt want it. obviously everyone is different and there are no rules to it.

id recommend telling her that you have thought about it from her POV and you genuinely understand why sex may not be her priority at the mo and say you're gonna try take a back seat and just support her through it. then do some of the things i suggested and really make an effort. even just for the family as a whole. happy mammy and daddy, happy kids.

the worst that can happen is that the sex issue wont be resolved. but you'll make your wife more relaxed and happy in the process, and this in itself might lead to more communication and her feeling morre cared for and appreciated.

just go with the flow, allow her to have her ups and downs, dont push sex or talk about it for a while let it become a non issue while you build upon her needs, let each kiss be a kiss and enjoy it, if it leads to sex so be it. just dont go removing the boxers every time she kisses you! just appreciate her for all she does cause its hard being a mother without having to be a sex goddess at the end of the day too!

LegacyUser

Bit of an update;

I took bits and pieces from everyones advice... I told her when she got home this evening that I was sorry for being so pushy about the topic of late and that I had booked her a spa day next week to give her a treat to make her feel relaxed and not a mommy for a few hours. And also that I understood that any time off she had was deservedly time off for her and my sexual needs were not at the forefront of every spare minute. I also said that I'd give her as much time as she needed without any pestering or expectations from my corner. She really was thrilled and relieved that I was looking at it from her perspective (TBH I would never have thought of most/any of them if it wasn't for my secret boards counsellers in the background:) ) I feel like I did well and took the blame of the problem off her shoulders.

I did say that we needed to both put in more of an effort with regards building intimacy without sex, such as washing the dishes together, turning off the tv and chatting, simple kisses, non sexual massages and maybe a non sexual shower/bath together, she agreed to all of the above. We both know there is a problem to be solved and we will hopefully with patience from my side and (????I don't honestly know,fill in the gap????) from her side we will.

The question I had been asking myself all day was - I'm giving her "time", and she can have as long as she wants, but I just didn't know exactly what solution that will bring about? Then unregistered's last reply really hit the nail on the head. God ye'r good!

I know time is a great healer, hopefully it can fix this issue in the long term.

LegacyUser

I think the problem for you and forty-plus something is that the complete and utter issue of your problems is 'ME ME ME' your wives are listening to this 24/7 from the other children in the house, they dont need to hear from you too, all I see from your posts is 'I do this this and this and she STILL wont have sex' ... as is thats your only objective for doing it in the first place, how about this : do something freely without stating 'Im only doing this for a ride' ..... (like my DH one night when I was dithering over dessert ..."ah go on ...we'll work it off later" .... put me right off ....) or how about pulling you weight even on days you DONT feel like having sex! (hey I emptied out the bin and dont even expect a blow job) .... shocker ... helping out and doing your bit because you know its unfair (but easier) to leave all the :

housework/childcare/laundry/bills/medical/insurance/food/shopping/clothing/education/childsemotional needs/playdates/real dates/household repairs/birthdays/parties/family pet care

to your other half and then finally when she settles down for a break (v. late at night) there is your big stupid face mooning at her and you wonder why she doesnt feel the same as 20 years ago when she only had yourself and herself to worry about!!! ....

take a minute to think about it and try and figure it out ... if you cant I can come back and try and make it all a bit clearer .......

LegacyUser

@ unreg1 - ouch

I do not constantly pester my wife for sex, we have a serious intimacy issue which threatens our marraige and the problem stems mainly from long lack of sex or communication about sex. I don't consider myself to be overly selfish. I think as they teach you in pre-marraige courses and couples counselling that a healthy sex life is essential for a "happy " marraige.

With regards to fair share of household chores, I have been on short term work for over 10 months now while my wife is in full time work, so to set my story straight I probably do do more than my wife, minding the kids is one of the harder jobs anyone will do but I really enjoy it and I keep the house ship shape - I'm not looking for extra credits, its part of a partnership - you help each other out.

Its very easy for a woman to take the moral high ground on this issue but if you were a frustrated man who loves his wife but doesn't understand why she doesn't want him or if your own husband had a low libido which took a huge dent out of your self confidence and emotional and loving link to him, I have no doubt the Boards Ladies Lounge pages would be filled with pleas for help. I said it in my first post its not about the sex, its about her love and intimacy and those missing hugs and kisses foremost.

I did come here for help, and I know I'm not perfect. While constructive critism is appreciated, I feel I have looked at it from her perspective and recoginsed where I could do better and have begun to act on it. You it seems have looked at it only from your side of the hedge, now come over to mine.

Your post wasn't one of the more helpful ones.

LegacyUser

so happy you're sorting everything out, shes a lucky woman that you're so willing to help her and the relationship, and im so so glad you didnt give her an ultimatum before trying the more loving approach first. keep us posted as id be really interested to see how you both get on.

RodSteel

unreg1 wrote: »

I think the problem for you and forty-plus something is that the complete and utter issue of your problems is 'ME ME ME' your wives are listening to this 24/7 from the other children in the house, they dont need to hear from you too, all I see from your posts is 'I do this this and this and she STILL wont have sex' ... as is thats your only objective for doing it in the first place, how about this : do something freely without stating 'Im only doing this for a ride' ..... (like my DH one night when I was dithering over dessert ..."ah go on ...we'll work it off later" .... put me right off ....) or how about pulling you weight even on days you DONT feel like having sex! (hey I emptied out the bin and dont even expect a blow job) .... shocker ... helping out and doing your bit because you know its unfair (but easier) to leave all the :

housework/childcare/laundry/bills/medical/insurance/food/shopping/clothing/education/childsemotional needs/playdates/real dates/household repairs/birthdays/parties/family pet care

to your other half and then finally when she settles down for a break (v. late at night) there is your big stupid face mooning at her and you wonder why she doesnt feel the same as 20 years ago when she only had yourself and herself to worry about!!! ....

take a minute to think about it and try and figure it out ... if you cant I can come back and try and make it all a bit clearer .......

I have sympathy for your husband, whoever he is.

LegacyUser

thanks I'll pass them on when he finished clearing away the kitchen (obv expecting a bit of action later) ...

OP, my earlier reply was not posted but the gist of it was if you read your previous posts this is what stands out for me are the ones quoted by sybill a few posts back :


"I don't want to sound selfish but surely she should understand the vital importance sex has to a marraige and ok maybe its not her favourite thing to do but we all sacrifice things and do things we don't really want to do for our partners - don't we?"

"for the first time ever I have wondered why I choose her all those years ago"

"Getting harsh now but I think in this day and age once a woman has her kids she can effectivley trap her husband, in that the woman has what she wants and if they don't want to put in the effort to please their husband they don't have to, as they know that if there are kids involved the husband more than likley isn't going to leave, almost like being blackmailed to stay in a sexless marraige."


you started out quiet nice in your OP but my opinion changed as did the tone of your posts
sure print out my response and see if she thinks it ott or can relate to it ....

RodSteel

unreg1 wrote: »

thanks I'll pass them on when he finished clearing away the kitchen (obv expecting a bit of action later)

Sounds like he's damned if he does and damned if he don't, based on your logic of marriage success.

Silverfish

Okay, can we keep things civil here please.

LegacyUser

@ unreg 1

I don't know why I'm bothering replying to you as you seem to have a very different way of looking at things in general, but if you wish to read all my narrative and then cut and paste the 3 worst things that I said and call me an ass so be it.

I'm not going to waste more of my time but all bad things I did say were said in context - when you cut and paste - you cut out the context!

Taking the worst thing I said :

"for the first time ever I have wondered why I choose her all those years ago"

I'm not saying I don't love her and want to leave her but the divide between us has/was causing me to dwell on our compatibilty and I was/am trying to win back that all important intimacy that was there day one when I fell in love with her and now we need it back like a strong glue to hold our marraige together long into the future.

Maybe you have an overzealous husband who's forever eager to get jiggy with it - not my problem. For last time, let me stress - its not about the sex!!

RodSteel

Silverfish wrote: »

Okay, can we keep things civil here please.

Was I uncivil ?

Silverfish

I am reminding everyone to keep things civil.

Please keep replies on-topic and helpful to the OP.

metrovelvet

OP-

For what its worth, and this may be of no insight to you but its worth considering.

I have one child. And the demands and work are so exhausting at tne end of each day I have nothing left to offer anyone.

Maybe your wife feels like that with three kids and more.

Maybe she needs to feel valued so she can feel she is worthy enough to offer something.

Maybe each day leave a little note somewhere with one thing you appreciate or are thankful for.

Just a suggestion. Take it or leave it.

RodSteel

Hey OP, if you are what you say you are, ie. a loving romantic husband who helps out with the house chores and shares responsibility with your children then you deserve the intimacy and sex from your wife, it is a requisite. If you are not the above, ignore the rest of this post.
I can understand when people here support the wife if she is getting a raw deal or not treated right but when this is not the case and the advice is to do more/reward her more with treats/weekends away etc., I just don't get it.
In general, good behaviour should be rewarded so why pamper with gifts and rewards in the hope it will make her more romantic or less frigid.
I don't want this to come accross as too one sided/male sided for other readers or yourself but I believe in treating women like equal adults and not pander to their whims like spoilt children. How else would there be a balance of mutual respect? I have a loving intimate marriage that is based on respect, care and open communication and if it was anything like yours I would be hurting just as much as you are.
You must do something about this before it goes on too long as there will too much resentment built up.
Counselling as suggested previously sounds like your best option.
I am not speaking for your wife when I say this but sometimes some women are never happy no matter how good they have it and a gentle reminder is really what is needed.
I have friends who describe similar situations and they try to correct it by humoring, spoiling etc. , doesn't work though

Distorted

Enter sad man wrote: »

@ unreg1 - ouch

I do not constantly pester my wife for sex, we have a serious intimacy issue which threatens our marraige and the problem stems mainly from long lack of sex or communication about sex. I don't consider myself to be overly selfish. I think as they teach you in pre-marraige courses and couples counselling that a healthy sex life is essential for a "happy " marraige.

With regards to fair share of household chores, I have been on short term work for over 10 months now while my wife is in full time work, so to set my story straight I probably do do more than my wife, minding the kids is one of the harder jobs anyone will do but I really enjoy it and I keep the house ship shape - I'm not looking for extra credits, its part of a partnership - you help each other out.

Its also interesting to hear that you wife works full time, with 3 kids. What with a husband constantly nagging her about not having enough sex, her life doesn't sound fun to me. I am thinking if she was happier and having fun in her life, she might feel like sex more often. But not if she feels she is being pestered for it or its a chore that she has to "sacrifice" (your words) for her marriage.

LegacyUser

@ metrovelvet and rodsteel - thanks for the tips some good ones there, I'll take them on board.

@ distorted - Yes my wife has a full time job and yes she has 3 kids, and I am a part time stay at home dad and don't forget I too have 3 kids! I know the set up is not the norm with me eing home, as its normally the wife who stays at home, but unfortunately this economy doesn't deal out the exact hand you'd like to be dealt.

In an earlier post, before it was clear that I was the one who stayed at home and did the housework and minded the kids, I was berated for expecting sex when I came home from work after she had had such a tough day at home. I appreciate that minding the kids, maintaining the home is one of the most difficult and unrewarding jobs going but I'm doing it in our home, not complaining, I love the time spent with the kids.

As Rodsteel said in a different context it seems as if I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't!

I'm getting tired of having to defend myself I came here looking for help, and thanks to eveyone in the earlier posts I got it, and they have set me on the right course. Since taking your advice earlier in the week the pressure has been lifted off both our shoulders and there is no tension between us, we are both now spending alot more time together and are very relaxed in each others company. We are both working through this, and check this (later posters) my wife realizes that there is a problem and that it does need to be addressed! We are both trying hard and we hope to solve it without having to go to counselling, but it remains an option we are both open to if needs be.

LegacyUser

Thank you all, over and out.

Stu

OP, i really feel for you. It sounds like you are a good husband and i don't think its unreasonable to want to sit down with your wife in the evening and have a kiss and a cuddle and maybe it might lead to sex or maybe it won't but at 35 you are quite young and your libido is probably still quite high. Actually, regular affection such as touching, caressing, holding hands, paying each other compliments is just as important as sex and makes a relationship so much stronger.

When you love your wife and are still strongly attracted to her you are going to want to have sex with her regularly. I would be terribly frustrated if i was in your shoes, lying beside the women your still mad about, knowing that she just wants to go to sleep. I personally couldn't handle that, i would feel like sex only happens on her terms and thats not healthy and will lead to serious resentment.

How can she not see that this is a MASSIVE problem. She seems to be acknowledging that there is a problem but it appears to be more of a token gesture than a real willingness to get to the heart of the matter and find a solution.

All the posts about your wife being tired with having to raise 3 kids although somewhat valid, is too easy of an excuse to use when most women actually hit their sexual peak in their 30's. Actually, i'd be even more frustrated if my wife admitted there was a problem and then within a day or two acted as if their isn't a problem. It shows no real willingness on her part to address your worries.

I mean, when you love someone you want to please them and make them happy. Sex between a happy couple should be spontaneous, exciting and exhilarating, kids or no kids. I hope you can get to the root of the problem OP because i fear for your marriage if your wife doesn't take your concerns seriously. Good Luck.

FortyPlusHubby

unreg1 wrote: »

I think the problem for you and forty-plus something is that the complete and utter issue of your problems is 'ME ME ME' your wives are listening to this 24/7 from the other children in the house, they dont need to hear from you too, all I see from your posts is 'I do this this and this and she STILL wont have sex' ...

Perhaps that is all you see, but it certainly is not all that was written. The issue for OP (and myself, elsewhere in this forum) is not a husband saying "ME, ME, ME" but rather a husband looking towards his relationship and looking for "US". The basis of any strong and enduring relationship is shared objectives and good communication.

Certainly there is a valuable lesson in the approach Enter Sad Man took to working out his problem, and this thread should be saved and included as mandatory reading on some pre-marriage courses (which generally don't seem to deal with real-life problems). If every married couple behaved like this there'd be a lot less cheating and a lot more loving going on.


Cheers,

40pH

LegacyUser

Just another possibility: Perhaps she is afraid of getting pregnant again?

up for anything

Stu wrote: »

All the posts about your wife being tired with having to raise 3 kids although somewhat valid, is too easy of an excuse to use when most women actually hit their sexual peak in their 30's.

I would imagine that that is under ideal conditions if that is true! :rolleyes: Three young children at any age is liable to render a woman's libido comatose.

Ickle Magoo

up for anything wrote: »

I would imagine that that is under ideal conditions if that is true! :rolleyes: Three young children at any age is liable to render a woman's libido comatose.

She works, it's the OP that's at home with them - why is the assumption that being at home with kids automatically means you stop fancying your partner and wanting sex anyway? The OP looks after the kids all day, does all the housework and still magically appears to have both time, energy and the wish for a cuddle with his wife! Regardless, I think the numbers of parents who loose their sex drive are very much in the minority - most just get more inventive.

Stu

Yes "upforanything", that is true, most womens libido is at its strongest in their 30's.

As the OP has already pointed out, he does the housework and takes care of the kids so his wife can relax when she gets home from work but she still isn't in form for any cuddling or sex. I would be gutted if i was pulling out all the stops to get my wife in the mood and she wasn't responding. The OP has tried everything in fairness to him, what else is he supposed to do, just accept it.

Obviously there are issues there that need to be resolved but from it takes two to sort out these kind of problems and the OPs wife appears to be apathetic about the whole thing. All i can do is wish the OP good luck, he seems like a decent guy who only wants a happy and fulfilling relationship with his wife.

LegacyUser

Its easy to look at the scenario and say the OP is being selfish as he's looking for kisses/cuddles/sex all the time, but you have to also say that the woman is being selfish too from withholding!
As fortyplus said its about "US". The OP is being selfish but to be fair is thinking of US, she is being selfish but thinking about ME ME ME.

miec

Hi Op

First of I'd like to say fair play to you for being so proactive in your situation, judging from your posts your wife is a lucky woman, like you I was in a relationship that lacked intimacy and I was instigating most if not all of the sex (I am a woman by the way - these things can happen both ways) in my instance it didn't work out, he was unwilling to go to counselling and I understand how lonely it can be when you love someone and want to share that love but they are in shut down mode, and I think some of the posters here are being extremely harsh, one of the lovely things about being with someone is physical intimacy, when it is lacking it is very painful, when one person withholds from the other, it can really hurt. So all I can say is fair play to you and I really hope things work out for you.

astra2000

Hi op last year Ray Darcy interviewed the author of the book sex diaries and it made very good listening. Basically the author some how recruited 98 couples who kept a sex diary for a year. Now I havent read the book but the author made very good points and it was very interesting and educational to listen to, she offered view points from both sexes based on real experiences. Now I have never read a self help book in my life but I have to say this one sounded good and should I have been having any concerns in that area I wouldnt hesitate to buy it. The feed back from listeners was amazing too.

RodSteel

up for anything wrote: »

I would imagine that that is under ideal conditions if that is true! :rolleyes: Three young children at any age is liable to render a woman's libido comatose.

I reckon for any young guy or myself hypothetically, reading your posts but more from the likes of unreg1, would put them off marriage/children if they were comtemplating it.
There are a few women here who just seem angry with their lot/partners/life in general but others here make the most of it and love their partners and work in their relationships.
Some relationships don't work out, granted, also some have difficulties but they get over them if they are prepared to put the work in.
Some women may be just better off on their own when they have their children while other women need their partners for support, love and intimacy.
Im happy to see the input from women here of the latter variety as the other minority views are somewhat depressing.

ApeXaviour

I would like to quote some tragically beautiful advice on this very (from a woman's perspective). Perhaps the OP could show it to his wife. I made mental note of these words a year ago and intend on reminding myself over the next number of years.

wrote:

There is more to this... 39 female here.

There is a process that can happen when you have kids. You are attractive beforehand. No matter what. 16 year old boys in groups will check you out even if you are chunky or kind of ugly. THEY STILL LOOK. After you have a baby, you become invisible. Not that you ever wanted a 16 yo boy to look, but they did. whether its the phermones or the baby, you become invisible unless you look like you are probably the babysitter, not the mom.

People who are your friends, acquaintances, neighbors, whatever no longer talk to you. They admire the baby, say how cute, gush... and never once ask you if you saw District 9 yet, or tell you about a great book they just read. You become a piece of the baby. Even your husband. He loves you, he loves the baby. Sometimes at first HE is very jealous of the baby because the baby owns your boobs, and your time, and you are sleep deprived and you ignore him.

When he falls in love with his baby daughter it reverses. He'll do anything to make her laugh, invest limitless planning and thought into making her happy... and since you stopped caring about him 6 months ago, he forgets about you. He doesn't even realize he thinks of you as a parenting partner and not a wife. And everyday the alarm goes off at 6 and you both run off, promising yourselves to fix it later.

It is very hard to regain your identity after having a child. You can go years being (variable)'s mom. You lose your femininity, your youth, your sexuality...your mind...

And no one warns you. Not even your mom. If you knew, you'd prepare. You would see it happening and make sure you fu*ked your husband even if you didn't feel like it. You'd hire a sitter to make time for dates. You would not stand by while the emotional divide grew.

But it does, and then you struggle through... for years. If your marriage survives, maybe you learn to love eachother again. Maybe it's just too far gone.

Early on... when you first realize you don't feel like a woman anymore? DO something about it.

Start dating your wife again.

Source

Fittle

Wow! Wish I could have articulated what motherhood did to me, as much as that previous post!!! That woman hit the nail on the head. She's SO right when she says you become invisible when you have a child - even now, 8yrs on, peoples first words to me are very often 'how is x'?. I often feel like screaming 'Any chance you might ask how I am first???'.

OP, I think you are underestimating the stress she's under with three young children. You said she enjoys motherhood and she's a great mother. Well, we all 'enjoy' motherhood (because we have no choice!) but by god, it is the most stressful job there is. Even when you get the 'break' - the romantic weekend away, the night out with the girls, you still don't get a 'break' because they are your priority for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not. And try as you might, you will never be the same person as you were before you have a kid.

I have no solution for you OP, but counselling might help. Best of luck anyway.

metrovelvet

^ Great article above. I think it's very apt to all women who become mothers. The world just sees you as the baby's staff. Even your own mother.

And often other halfs see you no longer as lover but as mother and then it triggers a cycle where aphrodite sleeps.