I dont know what I am in????

KarenR1981

Myself and my fiance broke up last year, he wasn't ready to commit and said he didn't feel the same but yet he didn't want to breakup - eventually I just left him as I couldn't cope - I take half the responsibility for the breakup.......we have maintained contact and recently have been meeting up once or twice a week watching dvds, catching up and making love....I have not stopped loving this man and our love making is so intense its better then ever....I want to be with him more then ever and I dont care if we never marry I just want to be with him...but I do not want to broach the subject, the last thing I want to do is put any pressure on him but at the same time I want to know what I am in eg. are we exclusive, are we seeing eachother are we dating, what are we and how long should I keep this up before I say anything - the only think I have asked is if he seeing anyone and he said no....I love him dearly and want to grow old with him his my other half - and has been since I was 18 that is nearly 11 years

SarahSassy

So you were going to marry him but cannot broach the 'exclusivity' question - wha??????

Is he using you?

Sound Bite

As above poster says, you should be able to talk to him about this, especially after 11 years and an engagement.

Ever heard the expression, why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. At the moment it seems like it's just sex. Are you happy being used?

Miss Fluff

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Myself and my fiance broke up last year, he wasn't ready to commit and said he didn't feel the same but yet he didn't want to breakup

The subtext being that he still wants you at his beck and call for the ride but no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. So he is still a free agent while having all the benefits of you come around to his gaff for sex a few times a week. What a charmer:rolleyes: It also means that when he does meet someone he wants to get into a relationship with he can hold up his hands in protest to you and declare that you were never back together in the first place. Which could happen at any time at all.

Imho, you are totally wasting your time OP. Unfortunately if you broach the exclusivity question to him I would bet good money on what his answer will be. Although I think you should broach it, and it should be as a matter of urgency before he wastes any more of your time.

Look at it from his perspective. He didn't want to commit to you. You both agreed. He now gets the pleasure of your company, do couply things and have sex with you but without the hassle of a relationship or the question of commitment. He's getting all these fringe benefits while you also pretend to be cool with it when in actual fact all you want for it "to grow old together". Call me a cynic, but it would seem to me you are singing off totally different hymnsheets:(

girvtheswerve

You need to have a serious chat with him. As per previous comments I'd tend to think that he s happy getting his bit with any commitment.

Hopefully Im wrong, but either way you need to know

Walls

Why are you asking him? Why are you not telling him what you want?

By that I mean, it seems you are asking him for permission to have a relationship with him. It almost seems that you don't feel you have the right to state what it is you do want. Maybe you don't think you will have the courage of your convictions to stick with any decision you make, maybe?

I would recommend speaking to him in a neutral place, such as a cafe or restaurant, to discuss this. Don't have this discussion at home where sex can be used by either him or you. State clearly and calmly what you would like and what you would want in the future, i.e. "I would like to see this as a relationship moving towards something permanent, and I definitely will want children at some stage." If children are something you both want then marriage is necessary to protect his rights as well as yours.

How do you think about having such a conversation?

KarenR1981

Well I asked him last night "are you my bf or what" he just said nothing - i said I didn't want to continue if he thought he could see others and he said he was not seeing anyone nor did he want to and he was exclusive to me.
I dont want to push him because that was what brought us to our problems in the first place - I wonder can I say or do anything to light a fire under his ass..I dont feel used as I know this man inside out and I genuinely think he is confused and is afraid of things going wrong again

Walls

I'd argue with the confused bit, in my opinion he isn't bothered to clarify his own mind, and really at this stage is not being given any reason to do so. You are walking on eggshells around him and seem happy to do so, but do you plan to do this for the foreseeable future? Ignoring marriage, children, or even an overt expression of committment between you such as buying a house, etc? You are willing to put your own life and goals to one side in an effort to placate. Why do you see this as an idea that will lead to your happiness?

Two things, firstly a question and secondly a suggestion. Firstly, a question. What do you like and dislike about this man. What does he do to enhance your life, how does he support you, make you laugh, hold you up when you're down, celebrate the small and big stuff? Does he complement you, buy you flowers, go to restaurants with you? What do you dislike about him, where do you challenge each other, rub each other the wrong way, have friction, discussions, challenges? Do you even let yourself think of the things about him you don't like or do you not let yourself think that way, grateful instead of his bestowing his company on you?

And secondly, a suggestion. Hold off on seeing him for two weeks: no calls, texts, DVDs, anything. This will serve two purposes. The first is that you will see how much of your mind is given over to him, and all of your life, but damn little of his. Secondly, he is right now shocked that you would move to a bald question like that - you might be pulling your own tricks again! You might expect things! Best thing you can do right now is take charge, show you have control over yourself and that you're not so needy, and take a step back for yourself.

How Strange

It seems he's onto a win win situation. He's got the sex without the relationship or commitment. You're too afraid to tell him what you honestly think for fear it will push him away. In a proper relationship you should be able to discuss everything openly.

The fact that he said nothing when you asked tells you all you need to know. I don't think he's confused; he just doesn't want a relationship with you but wants the sex. He's coasting along for as long as it lasts.

So would you be genuinely happy to meet with him every so often just for sex without any hope of a long term commitment?

Beruthiel

KarenR1981 wrote: »

I genuinely think he is confused and is afraid of things going wrong again

If you only met five minutes ago, I could understand his confusion.
But you know each other for 11 years!
If the guy does not know what he wants after all that time then the reason he is still confused is because you are not the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
He may not have even admitted this to himself, but ye broke up and that did not seem to wake him up in any great way. That to me, says an awful lot.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but right now you are handy and until 'the right one' comes along, he'll quite happily take advantage of the situation you find yourself in right now.

Time you took a cold, hard look at what it is you want in life.
Do you want children for example?
Are there things in life that you want and he has not given you up to this point?
If you're not bothered either way, then by all means, carry on as you are.
But, be prepared that at some stage down the line, someone may come on the scene and you can expect to be dropped in favour of her.
How do I know that?
Because, as I said above, even the most confused man in the world can tell if he's happy or not after 11 years.
The fact that he has given you no commitment whatsoever after all this time tells you all you need to know.

Nody

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Well I asked him last night "are you my bf or what" he just said nothing

Answer is no then, he's not your bf.

i said I didn't want to continue if he thought he could see others and he said he was not seeing anyone nor did he want to and he was exclusive to me.

Read that as, I've not found someone else yet since I get all I need from you (at the moment).

I dont want to push him because that was what brought us to our problems in the first place - I wonder can I say or do anything to light a fire under his ass..

It is called kick his sorry ass out and tell him either he offers you a ring or he **** off out of your life.

I dont feel used as I know this man inside out and I genuinely think he is confused and is afraid of things going wrong again

No, he's chilling having it all for free with out having to comitt to anything which is the ideal situation for him. He's not confused he's simply afraid to actually have to make a decision if he really loves you or if the sex/comfort is enough to offset it if he don't. Simply put you're being used three ways to Sunday and you need to put him against the wall to have him make a decision either way; if not he'll continue to play you along until he finds someone else to offer him more.

Cheap Thrills!

OP, you're being far too meek and putting far too low a value on yourself.

You say you don't want to push him because that's what caused problems before but you are mistaken. What caused the problem before was his lack of appropriate commitment after 11 years. You called him on it and you two broke up, you should have stayed broken up. His actions (or lack of action) speak louder than words. He doesn't want to be with you for ever but he will accept the sex and companionship until the real one he hankers for comes along.

You talk about 'making love' but I feel you are in a world of your own. You think you are 'making love' but he is more than likely just having sex. You say the sex is 'so intense' -that means nothing. I've had intense sex with people I wasn't it love with, it means nothing other than good chemistry.

Don't make the mistake of assigning 'love' feelings to sex. If he really loved you he would be grabbing you greedily with both hands, giving you everything you want. He wouldn't be so 'easy come-easy go' and wishy washy and lukewarm about you.

You need to take your head out of the sand and see things as they really are. He's strung you along for 11 years and now he's playing the 'confused' card. Please. There is no 'confused' when you are in love with someone, all there is is 100% clarity. If that's not there then it's just passing the time.

If you continue throwing good time after bad you will end up with egg on your face. You'll have sacrificed everything you want/need to be with someone who doesn't really love you at all. His silence on the matter speaks volumes. People will rarely spell it out in plain english 'I don't love you' -they will play along for their own ends but you need to pick up the message for your own protection.

Ickle Magoo

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Well I asked him last night "are you my bf or what" he just said nothing - i said I didn't want to continue if he thought he could see others and he said he was not seeing anyone nor did he want to and he was exclusive to me.
I dont want to push him because that was what brought us to our problems in the first place - I wonder can I say or do anything to light a fire under his ass..I dont feel used as I know this man inside out and I genuinely think he is confused and is afraid of things going wrong again

He didn't lie but he chose his words very carefully and in such a way to very specifically fall short of agreeing to being exclusive full-stop, now AND in the future.

If you have to tippy-toe around a man you've been with for 11 years to ask if he sees a future for you then something has gone seriously awry. It's time to take everything he's said, done and failed to do and see the situation for what it really is. He's getting all the benefits of a sexual, comfortable relationship without giving you what you really want - what is the point in having such an unsatisfying relationship hiding your own wants and needs?

Best of luck.

Miss Fluff

This thread makes me sad too. You stood up for what you believed in OP, and now in your desperation to have him in your life in any way, shape or form you are willing to compromise everything and are scavenging for any kind of crumbs that are on offer.

Breaking up after a LTR is very difficult, you're not going to get over it in a hurry. It takes time and a lot of tears. He is not "confused" however, he is merely keeping you dangling until he finds someone else. I honestly feel he is using you, plain and simple. The fact that he won't even commit to you as a boyfriend speaks volumes don't you think?

Why don't you take the advice above and cut him out completely to see how you both feel. Having sex (its not making love in this instance unfortunately:()is confusing you and making you think this is more than it is. If he is "confused", why don't you both take some time out with no visits, no sex, no phonecalls or texts and really take stock of what you both want and whether this has a future? Right now this pseudo "thing" is handy for him and heartbreaking for you and neither of you are in a position to make any kind of actual decision when you're seeing each other on these terms. Do you have friends you could go away on holiday with for a fortnight?

KarenR1981

Oh gosh I really dont know what to do...I see what you are saying about cutting contact but I am afraid too and yes if he does not come running then he is not worth it - I just want to give him more time - he will be leaving the country shortly with work for a few months so I am holding off until then - I am hoping him having the time to himself and away from his family will help - you see he is deathly afraid of telling his family he is even seeing me as they are very forceful and opinionated and he is a chicken when it comes to standing up for himself....I do genuinely think he doesnt want to make the commitment until he is 100% and forever

Ickle Magoo

Surely 11 years is sufficient in anyone's book to be 100%...remember he didn't just put the wedding on hold or ask for an extended engagement, he broke up with you. I really don't know if there is much hand-wringing going on on his side - he's happy to have sex with you for 11 years but breaks off an engagement - still happy to have sex but won't commit to a relationship (again) or tell his family? Sounds really suspect.

Why don't you just cut off having sex and see what he does? That would be a good indicator that he's not just in it for the sex and then you can decide whether to wait on him making up his mind for the next 11 years or so?

KarenR1981

Well now I broke up with him - he wanted to call off wedding as he said he didn't want to get married but he still wanted to be together - I know but there was a lot of other stuff going on too at the same time

Ickle Magoo

Breaking your engagement then, sorry.

I think you are desperately making excuses for him. You've done it pretty much every time someone has criticised what he's done and what he's doing. Have you spoken about it with your friends or family? Presumably they would know you and the situation better and may be able to give you some perspective or show you something/convince you/comfort you in a way we can't.

Best of luck

Cheap Thrills!

He's afraid of telling his family he is seeing you....what age is this fella...hitting 30 I'm going to assume?

The family are 'forceful and opinionated' -tell them to feck off. Simple as. What are they gonna do? He's a grown adult with a job to support himself, he can do as he pleases, he doesn't have to answer to anyone never mind being 'deathly afraid' -Come on, this is 2010 here!

It's YOU he should be worried about not his family.

What is the point of waiting until he goes away, that's just another excuse. For all your know he could hook up with others while he's gone and you'll have wasted MORE time on the whole fiasco.

KarenR1981

I dont mean to make excuses - my friends and family know I how much I love him and how loyal I am to him....and I know I should be getting the same in return however I did create some problems myself....
I spent six months trying to move on only to realise my own mistakes and just how much I wanted to be with him and I didn't care about marriage as much as I thought I did - when it came to the engagement I held a gun to his head and I really wish I had just let it go and happen in its own time - I was very foolish and controlling and this is why I am not trying to control things now

and yes I agree he is 32 years old and I dont get why he lets his family speak to him the way they do - my family wouldn't dare as they know the response they would get due to my loyalty

My friends and family want me to be happy and they see I love him but they dont want my heart broken all over again

How Strange

Op I agree you're constantly making excuses for him and you really do seem in denial. Someone else said you're willing to take the scraps from the table in terms of a relationship and that seems like an accurate assessment.

You say you broke up with him but surely he instigated that breakup by calling off the engagement/wedding. You say he's deathly afraid if his family but he also seems afraid of making a decision about his future with you.

You've invested 11years of your youth in this relationship and it's now reduced to a bit of clandestine sex after a dvd. You say you pushed him into marriage etc but come on. Now he hasn't even the maturity or honesty to say whether he's in a relationship with you and you're still hanging around making excuses for his behaviour.

If you're so convinced everything is fine the way it is then why are you here saying you don't know what you're in?

KarenR1981

Well he is making me dinner tomorrow night so I will just have it out with him

SarahSassy

Oh will ya cop on!!!! Seriously he is so using you - for sex, for companionship and to keep his life easy. You are being played and you are letting him. Tell your FRIEND WITH BENEFITS to stuff his dinner til you are his fiancée again and develop some pride

Miss Fluff

Meeting him for "dinner" or whatever the veiled term for sex is, is not a good idea OP. If you want to have it out with him you need to do it on neutral territory where there is no chance of it ending up with you in bed.

I personally think, after eleven years, there is very little to have out with him. He knows how you feel and yet you're allowing yourself to be used in the hope that it means something more. It doesn't. You know fine well he is not inviting you around for "dinner".

neveah

Hi OP, I can only imagine what you are going through, it's a really difficult situation and after 11 years with someone it's a massive shock to the system to suddenly be on your own, or face the possibility of being on your own. 6 months is not sufficient time to get over an 11 year relationship, you need to give yourself more time. There are loads of ups and downs, back and forth, jumbled emotions, it's a crazy time I know.

I came out of a long term relationship and it devastated me. I still struggle to cut ties with my ex and I think it's mainly down to being so used to this person. You don't spend so long with someone because they are awful, they have good qualities too (at this stage I probably tend to amplify those in my head, but that's another story:rolleyes:....)

Anyway my point is, I thought long and hard about whether I could get back together with my ex and the answer is no. The main reason is that I could never trust him not to hurt me again in the future, I would always question his feelings towards me and for me that's no way to live.

Ask yourself that question, could you get back with him, get married and be 100% confident about how he felt about you and that you didn't have fears about him potentially breaking your heart again? You know the pain you feel now, do you want to set yourself up for that kind of pain in the future?? You deserve to feel completely loved and secure.

Walls

I would recommend meeting him somewhere neutral if I'm honest, somewhere quiet you can talk between yourselves but in public so that the usual agenda for an evening doesn't happen. You in Dublin?

curlzy

Hey OP,

I agree that this is a really upsetting thread. I really wish I could give you a hug, you're going through a very upsetting and confusing and heartbreaking situation. Listen, you say you love him to pieces, I'm sorry to tell you hun, but he doesn't love you. Love just isn't selfish, if you're in love with someone you know it, with every fibre of your being and after 11 years if that's not what he's feeling then he never will and there's nothing you can do to change that. Heartbreaking I know but that's the truth and I think for all your denial you know it too. Can you imagine treating him the way he's treating you now??? No, because you love him and wouldn't want to hurt him, but he doesn't love you so he can hurt you and convince himself that he's just not sure etc. but in reality he's just using you. All that's happening here is that you're being used, plain and simple. He's not confused at all, he's getting sex and companionship and he's not even your boyfriend, he's making sh*t of you and your confidence is already suffering if you're managing to delude yourself that it's going to turn into a happy and healthy relationship, it's not. You're going to get your heart broken by this guy and everyone here can see it. Please salvage your dignity and confidence and for god's sake remember that you are worth WAY more than he's offerning.

You sound like a good person, I really really really hope that you don't throw away your 30s on this guy. Please wake up!!! I was in a ltr and I realised after 5 years that the guy just wasn't for me, I broke up with him and it was terrifying, I'd been with him so long and being alone was scary but honest to god I'm so thankful that I didn't waste more time on him than I did. Please just wake up and finish it with this guy and move on. Don't get back with him either, he's had 11 years, if he doesn't know now then he NEVER will and you'll just be used until he moves on and you will have wasted so many years. Please stop throwing good after bad!!! I know you're probably thinking, oh you don't know him, he's a good guy, he's just confused. That's you rationalising and making excuses and it's part of the denial, please wake up!!! Please be honest with yourself!!! He's offering you nothing, seriously nothing at all, and he's moving away to work in a few months, I'd bet my life savings he's going to finish it with you before he goes!

Wake up some rage and dignity and for god's sake's get angry that you've wasted so much time and effort on a man that can't make a decision after 11 bloody years!!! Honestly sweetie, just finish it, for good, cut contact and move on. It will be hard and lonely and sad but you'll get over it. Honestly honey you're selling yourself way too short. * HUG*

KarenR1981

Thanks you all - you have all been very sweet in your posts -
I hear everyone of you loud and clear but its so hard....I wish I could just stop myself but I can only sleep when I am with him and its the only time my anxiety leaves me - a double edged sword.....
I spoke with him last night and he said he loves me but just "doesn't know", I know how foolish I am being but I am not ready to throw the towel in.....
Its very difficult I wish I could just cut my heart out sometimes
I wish I didn't love him so and I wish I was angry and hated him (I did initially but it faded), it was easier when I hated him, so much easier

Distorted

I feel so sorry for you. He doesn't sound like a decent guy at all. He is stringing you along, using you for sex and preventing you meeting anyone else. His behaviour has clearly ruined your self esteem because no-one with normal levels of self esteem would put up with this. His behaviour has so conditioned you to accept the unacceptable and be grateful for the small crumbs he offers, you think no-one else could match up to him. In a way thats true, no decent man would behave like this. Its likely you have quite a false impression of him and once you realise what he really is, you won't feel the same about him any more. Its easy for men like this to give a false impression because you see them so infrequently and always on their terms.

Theres two ways as I see it of dealing with this: you cut off all contact, or if thats too drastic, cut it off for two weeks, then 3 weeks, then 4 weeks, and I will bet you anything you start to feel way better. Also be aware that he might get more clingy in this phase but it will be fake and not because he cares about you but to get what he wants. Or, you could investigate further and find out what he is really like - my friend did this with a similar guy and found out he was sleeping with two other girls and treating them much the same, as well as meeting strangers for sex off the internet and in clubs for one night stands. Once she realised this, you didn't see her for dust!

The other possibility is that he isn't just a sleazeball and has some kind of psychological condition, in which case, he isn't your problem and you can't fix him.

Please don't give this man no strings attached sex any longer. He is controlling you and you need to take your life back. Good luck x

SarahSassy

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Thanks you all - you have all been very sweet in your posts -
I hear everyone of you loud and clear but its so hard....I wish I could just stop myself but I can only sleep when I am with him and its the only time my anxiety leaves me - a double edged sword.....
I spoke with him last night and he said he loves me but just "doesn't know", I know how foolish I am being but I am not ready to throw the towel in.....
Its very difficult I wish I could just cut my heart out sometimes
I wish I didn't love him so and I wish I was angry and hated him (I did initially but it faded), it was easier when I hated him, so much easier

He is like a drug that you are dependent on… You need to go to counselling and see why you are willing to let someone treat you like this. If you need some medication for your stress levels then go get it but you really need to leave this guy – not only is it unhealthy that he is using you, its unhealthy that you are obsessed with him and that he is wasting your life… He says he ‘doesnt know’ – maybe he doesn’t know because he cannot see the woods from the trees. He cannot know because you are suffocating him and if you take 1 /2 / 3 months away from him he MIGHT know. Otherwise, you will waste another 11 years on someone who will just up and leave you for someone who doesn’t suffocate him and you will be no further on.

BTW, saying you cant stop yourself is BS… Its an excuse. We all have the strength to make hard choices but you are choosing the safe and lazy route even though you are not happy. At the end of all of this, you are the only one who is not happy.

Miss Fluff

SarahSassy wrote: »

BTW, saying you cant stop yourself is BS… Its an excuse. We all have the strength to make hard choices but you are choosing the safe and lazy route even though you are not happy.

+1, I don't buy the not being able to stop yourself OP. And I certainly don't buy that you can only sleep properly when you sleep in a bed with him. Am sure you slept properly for the 18 years before you met him. You've been given excellent advice on this thread so you should really read over it again and make the decision once and for all to cut him out of your life permenantly as you are frittering your life away on someone who will drop you like a hot snot when he meets the girl he does actually want to settle down with. Take the control back girl.

cinderella2010

I think you want his sperm

KarenR1981

I have been in therapy and I am on antidepressants. I haven't been coping to well at all.
We also own a house together (he is in the house). If we break ties then all that needs to be sorted - I have confronted him on sorting house but I get no joy - the house is in negative equity - its so messy

As for the sperm comment - well actually had been trying to conceive with no joy....if I got pregs I would be delighted but I certainly would not use it as an excuse to get back with him as bringing a child into the situation would make things worse - but I would see it as a miracle (have fertility issues) and move home

Ickle Magoo

So he gets sex on call and a house you contributed to...and you can't see why he's not keen to cut ties altogether but happy to state he doesn't want to be your husband or boyfriend?

SarahSassy

KarenR1981 wrote: »

I have been in therapy and I am on antidepressants. I haven't been coping to well at all.
We also own a house together (he is in the house). If we break ties then all that needs to be sorted - I have confronted him on sorting house but I get no joy - the house is in negative equity - its so messy

As for the sperm comment - well actually had been trying to conceive with no joy....if I got pregs I would be delighted but I certainly would not use it as an excuse to get back with him as bringing a child into the situation would make things worse - but I would see it as a miracle (have fertility issues) and move home

And you would get pregnant with this guy now??? Spare me.

jitter

OP my heart really goes out to you. I know you are seeking the strength to make the right decision but at the end of the day it seems to me you're listening to your heart over your head and over other peoples advice. I know how hard it is to walk away from the person who makes you happy, I was in the situation last year.
I think people are being overly harsh with you, accusing you of BS excuses etc.. at the end of the day you know this man 11 years and you know him inside out. You can see the good in him which may not come across over text on a forum. BUT, love is blind, dont let this go on, you may think this decision is hard on him but it's obviously been ten times harder on you, look after number 1.
Best of luck, I really hope things work out for you.

Nevyn

SarahSassy banned for unhelpful posting.

KarenR1981

Situation is currently the same - but he I am enjoying the sex too and I also get to go out and meet guys - its just my heart lies with him

As for the whole single mother thing - I would rather be a single mother than never be a mother

Taltos

OP - I would rather not be born than to grow up in such a toxic relationship.

Your child would be fighting the odds here - a mother whose self-esteem is in the toilet, a father - who is just using the mother for a booty call.
A mother - who may end up doting on the child so much - in fact living through their child to such an extent that any chance of normal happy - independent development is not only at risk but a chance in a million.

You have received some excellent advice here - but seem unwilling to make the break you know in your heart you must.
For every reason we give you I am sure you can come up with a counter, but that does not make them right or anymore valid.

Please please please take some time out - get some counselling and try to work on your self-esteem. Ask him NOT to contact you for say 3 mts while you sort out your head. I don't think though he will leave you alone for a week let alone 3 mts - he knows where his bread is buttered and he is more than happy to keep using you like this.

I really hope you wake up to this soon - and before you make the disasterous choice of having a child with this sponger.

Walls

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Situation is currently the same - but he I am enjoying the sex too and I also get to go out and meet guys - its just my heart lies with him

As for the whole single mother thing - I would rather be a single mother than never be a mother

Are you having a laugh? What is stopping you from ending this? Please explain because I don't understand. You started this thread wondering what you were in, now you know, and you still won't do anything?

MissHoneyBun

This is shocking. OP, you don't know what you're in because you're not in anything dude. You need to wise up and have some respect for yourself!

Stay with this guy if you want, it's your life ultimately. But you won't have him smile back at you on your wedding day, there won't be a wedding day. He won't sit on the sofa with you and talk for ages together and he won't go out and get milk when you're dying for a cup of tea. He probably won't give you forehead kisses either or cook dinner sometimes. He won't be there to hug you when you get upset, he'll just give you more reasons to cry.

And that sucks hon. So take the finger off pause and for god's sake, start living again. Cos there are guys out there who want to do all those things for you. So give them a chance instead of the chancer you're with who makes you turn to strangers for answers instead of him.

seenitall

OP, as I usually say to people who are so obstinately holding on to their various delusions as you are to yours (namely that this person you are so hung up about feels anything for you aside from utter disrespect and mild contempt at best), unfortunately you ain't seen nothing yet.

One of these days you will find yourself cast aside by your beloved very suddenly and very unceremoniously, and you will be feeling like a used-up piece of siht (my guess is that, of course, you feel like that even now, but denial can be a very powerful thing) for a very long time to come.

I only hope, for your sake, that that day will come sooner rather than later.

What I think you need is some good therapy - I mean REALLY good therapy.

I hope you remember that when the siht hits the fan.

Best wishes.

neveah

Sunflower and Seenitall are totally correct! I don't know if anything we say will even hit home, you may have to reach your own rock bottom before you realise that you are worth far more and deserve much better. You obviously have a lot of love to give, but you need to give it to someone who is willing to give it back to you 100% and who will treat you right.

I've posted a few times about how I have struggled to move on from my ex, I kept in contact with him, I helped him through emotional and financial trouble (even after we broke up!), I was always there for him, I slept with him a few times and used the same rational as you - that I was using him too and getting something out of it. It's all lies!! I was totally deluding myself, I was a complete mug and I was being completely used by someone who did not deserve it. He is an absolute pr1ck and I can't believe it has taken me so long to see the light and by God did I go throught the heartache and tears. Everybody could see it, everybody knew he was a loser, everybody warned me but I couldn't see it at all, I was completely blind to it. He took advantage of my caring nature and he exploited and manipulated me, he preyed on my vunerability, sure he was only laughing away to himself - he had me at his beck and call, all the while meeting loads of other girls and having a great time. You know what the worst thing is - I allowed him. I allowed him to use me, I allowed him to take advantage of me, I allowed him to treat me the way he did. But no more. It has taken me a long time, too long, to get over this, if I had done what everyone had said I would be well over him by now, but at least I am happy to say that I have turned a corner and I know now that the way he was treating me was not right, he does not love me and he had no intention of ever getting back with me. I created am image in my head of what was going on that was completely removed from reality.

There have been a few threads about this subject recently - yours and Jennifers - and I could see exactly how you both felt and why you were doing what you were doing and how difficult you were finding it. Eventually you will get to the point that I have reached but I implore you, don't let it drag on, take control of yourself and your happiness, don't let him use and abuse you. Take time out away from him. I'm a great believer in the old saying 'what's meant for you won't pass you by'. If he really is the one for you then somehow it will work out but right now you need to take a step back, let him miss you, let him know what life would be like without you. If he doesn't change then you will know the truth - he is not meant for you. 11 years is a very long time and I know that this is such a difficult time in your life and a major challenge for you to work through. In your head you have planned out a life with this man, you want to get married, have babies, grow old together. I'm so sorry Karen but he does not feel the same as you, he does not want these things with you. Most people in relationships for 11 years would already be married by now, there's a reason that you are not married yet - he didn't want to. He didn't want to move onto that next level with you. Why give him any more of your life than the 11 years you have already given him?! Don't be a fool for this person, have some self -respect and don't be afraid to go to a counsellor to help you through this.

Were you born in 1981? If so that means you are what, 28/29? You still have plenty of time to meet someone who loves you and someone that you can forge a relationship with and have children with and someone that wants all the same things out of life that you do. Don't settle for someone that isn't sure that they want to be with you. After 11 years he knows exactly what he wants and his actions are further confirming that. I hope you can see the light soon and that you won't continue on the long, lonely path of heartache and tears for another year. You will always be the one who gets hurt at the hands of this man. You will always be the one crying and upset. Do you really and truly want this for yourself????

I wish you all the best, as someone who has gone through the same experience I know eventually you will get over him. I just have a feeling that no matter what we say you will have to make all the mistakes yourself and cry your heart out before you reach rock bottom and realise that you have to move on.

Cheeky_gal

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Situation is currently the same - but he I am enjoying the sex too and I also get to go out and meet guys - its just my heart lies with him

As for the whole single mother thing - I would rather be a single mother than never be a mother

Kick this jerk to the curb!

Seriously OP take everyone's advice here and note everyone -> we're all saying the same thing, that must say something.

He is a user, end of.

He's in a comfortable situation with you only until he goes out, meets someone, then puts you to the side. Don't let it reach that point. End it now before you get seriously hurt.

Sincerest empathies

fungun

This sounds to me awfully like he is your first bf and you are very scared of moving on.
Id have stayed with my first gf if she hadnt left me, even though in retrospect the reln was pretty toxic, in ways similar to yours.

Right now he doesnt want you. Otherwise he would tell you. But he does want sex, cos its handy...well its handy until a woman comes along that he actually wants. Then he will have sex with her instead. You are a booty call until then.

Unless you leave properly, you will never know what a proper loving reln with someone else could offer. You will never know how much of what you feel for him is really for him as opposed to for any bf, and that what you feel for another man could be a lot more....and you could get a lot more in return.

I strongly strongly recommend not being in contact with this man for a year, and then see how you feel.

KarenR1981

Too all of you many thanks

Latest up date

We had a huge talk/fight - everything came to the surface

We are back together taking it slow and not moving in together for a while - this is because I don't want to move in with him as of yet

He said he is madly in love with me and can't see himself hanging around with anyone but me when his in his 70s

We will be taking it step by step and will learn to trust one another again

All I want at this moment in time his is loyalty and for him to honor me and we can work from there

Taltos

OP - are you still being strung along?

I mean how many chances are you willing to give this person?
Taking it slowly - so no real chance of committment anytime soon - and all the more opportunity for you to "fall" pregnant.

Please rethink this - try to find some value or self-worth.

It might have been so much better to take a complete break from each other - mingle with other people and see what else is out there for you.

LegacyUser

Ah now OPs give the gal a break here..........I can only imagine what kind of bond was created when you are with someone from an early age

Look best of luck OP

We are all Gods Children and we all make mistakes

Nothing is ever irreparable

KarenR1981

I am just back from long emotional chat with ex about our future

He says he loves me, loves being with me and is highly attracted to me

He says he wants to give things a go but he has reservations - this being that he cannot see us ever getting married and he is worried this will cause problems in the future when I start looking for commitment again
We hugged and cried and I cried and cried and am still crying
I want to be with him so much - when we are together I just feel at ease and I am finally home
He says he feels the same but doesn't want to make the same mistake again and for us to go through all the heart ache all over if it goes tits up
He says he doesn't want to string me along with false hope but this is how he feels
I left and we agreed a lot had been discussed and a lot needs to be digested
we are going to meet again on Sunday and see how we feel

He holds all the cards now and I feel so powerless but I love him so much
I dont care if we never marry - I never want to go through an engagement ever again - but I want to be with him with the entire of my being

I suggested we take things slow and go back to basics but he says no its a full on proper relationship or nothing

No its the waiting game and I dont know how I am going to be by Sunday

I am very emotional at the moment I think mainly cause I suddenly came off my meds due to financial issues so I am very bad

I wish I had not been so emotional during our chat as it made me seem so pathetic and desperate

My heart aches

neveah

Hi Karen, don't feel bad for being emotional, this is a very emotional thing you are going through.

To be honest I'm a little confused about what your bf wants, let me try and get this straight - he loves you and is attracted to you, he wants a full and proper relationship with you or nothing but he doesn't see you getting married even if ye are in a full and proper relationship?? Is that correct?

A few things I'm wondering about, first of all does he not want to get married at all to anybody ever, or does he just not want to get married to you? You need to get this clarified.

You may love him, I don't doubt that at all, you have been with him for 11 years but you deserve some sort of commitment from him as well. Ask yourself this - if you got with him now and settled for the full and proper relationship he is talking about, will the 'marriage and babies' card raise it's head again? My gut feeling is that it will because these are things you want in life, and you are not wrong at all to want these things. You will then be back to square one and honey your biological clock is ticking so you really have to ask serious questions of yourself about what you want and what you deserve in life.

My own personal opinion is that you should break up with him for a while and have absolutely no contact with him. An exceptionally hard thing to do but right now with things so confusing and emotional I don't think either of you are going to make a final decision by Sunday and the constant talking to each other probably isn't giving either of you clarity either. Step away from him for a while. Let him miss you and see what life may be like without you. He needs to know what it feels like not to have you by his side.
Have you heard that saying - 'if you love somebody set them free, if they are truly yours they will come back to you, if not then it was never meant to be'.

I think you need to throw this one into the hands of the Gods, walk away for a while and get your head sorted about what you want out of life. You may end up bitterly regreting it if you stay with him and he doesn't give you want you need. Such a tough situation you are in because your heart is ruling your head, you need to try and listen to your head that bit more right now. Best of luck x

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I have been following this thread with interest and I honestly don't know how you have lasted with this guy for over 11years.

I just split with my bf over commitment issues. We were together for almost three years and everything was on his terms. We split up once before but we didn't completely cut contact and he reeled me back in and I wasted another year on him. I really thought we were going to make a go of it this time but instead i got my heartbroken again and am back to square one.

OP you have got to take control of this situation. Your life is passing you by, love should not hurt or emotionally drain you. I've done so much thinking in the past few weeks and someone that is willing to put you through all that pain is not worth it. I'm sorry to sound harsh but you are being a doormat for this guy. He is manipulating you to get everything he wants. TRUST ME I'VE BEEN THERE!

He sounds like a complete coward. He doesn't want to be on his own but he wants to have his GET OUT CLAUSE in place aswell. What guy wouldn't love that....sex when he wants it, someone to hang out with, but he's also telling you straight up that he will never commit to you...he is doing that so that when and believe me it will happen...he drops you his conscience is clear because he told you this from the start.

OP please find the strength to walk away from this guy before you waste another 11 years. You will find someone else who is deserving of your love. It sounds like you are very emotionally fragile so maybe you should go see a counsellor. It's better to go through the pain of walking away from a relationship that is never going to work, than staying there and in years to come looking back and seriously regretting your decision.

OP you are in charge of your own happiness so take back that power. I know it's hard but you only get one life. Believe me if you do this it will make you a much stronger person in the long run, time heals all wounds. Cut and run and don't look back x x x