Whats the problem with having just one?

giftgrub

Our little lad is 18 months old now and is magic...when he's not wrecking the house..

However we've discussed it and we both agreed that the baby shop is now closed.

Initially we both found the whole thing very stressful and my other half suffered from post natal depression.

So we're not keen on a repeat.

When people ask if we're "going again" and we say no we get funny looks...they we have to hear about how the company is great for him and so on

As an only child myself I like to think I turned out OK!!

So whats wrong with having one?

RealistSpy

The problem I found is that a single child might get a bit spoilt especially with him getting and not sharing what ever he has.

I am sure you might still change your mind the first few years are hard but you will love it.

giftgrub

RealistSpy wrote: »

I am sure you might still change your mind the first few years are hard but you will love it.

With respect, that's what I'm talking about. Thats the kind of answer we've been getting from people.

If I said we weren't going to get married or get him Christened people leave it alone, but as soon as we say we dont want any more kids we get looks.

metrovelvet

RealistSpy wrote: »

The problem I found is that a single child might get a bit spoilt especially with him getting and not sharing what ever he has.

I am sure you might still change your mind the first few years are hard but you will love it.

Also when you in an old folks hime or are dying the whole onus is on that one child. Not fair.

astra2000

You might find that a lot of people will not understand your decision but if your mind is well and truly made up then why worry about other peoples opinions. If you find people asking you about having more a problem just say that ye will see what happens you do not need to justify yourself to others its your business.

iguana

metrovelvet wrote: »

Also when you in an old folks hime or are dying the whole onus is on that one child. Not fair.

Yup, that's the biggest one along with the fact that when you and your partner die your child is left to grieve alone. Regardless of whether he has a partner or children by that time nobody will be able to truly share his grief or reminisce with him like a sibling would. My grandmother died a couple of years ago 'orphaning' my dad and that hit him very, very hard. Obviously my mother, brothers and I helped him but his siblings were who he needed most at times and vice versa. Nobody wants to think about that point 50+ years into the future but it's worth considering.

I don't think there are huge consequences to your son's childhood if he never has siblings. There are pros and cons at this stage in his life and I think they balance each other out. It's really in later adulthood that the lack of siblings becomes a real issue.

Cat Melodeon

I think it's a bit weird that people would pass comment on you having just the one. What difference? As long as you socialise your child well when he's young and as long as he has a good group of friends (extended family like cousins are a bonus) he certainly won't experience any developmental problems. As for missing out on having siblings when he's older, plenty of large families have horrendous fallings-out and provide no support to each other in later life. Having lots of kids does not guarantee that any of them will look after you in your dotage either, and personally, I think that's a bit of a selfish reason for having children! Having one healthy, happy and attended to child and a set of parents who can cope is far better than having a brood of kids you can barely deal with. If having one is right for you, you don't need to justify it to anyone.

kelle

metrovelvet wrote: »

Also when you in an old folks hime or are dying the whole onus is on that one child. Not fair.

There are 5 in my family, but I was the only one to look after my parents when they became terminally ill. In fairness they only wanted me - as I was their only daughter and the most understanding.

When they died, I was helped enormously by my aunts and husband - not my brothers! They just didn't appear to be as emotional nor did they want to talk about them, it was awful! Only for my aunts and darling husband I would have had a nervous breakdown...

So having a big family doesn't mean you'll have them all looking after you.

OP, I can understand your frustration. People should mind their own business when it comes to other people's family planning, after all you could be having problems conceiving or you be medically advised to have no more!

The "company" bit annoys me - my son actually got his "company" when he was around your son's age - from the beginning the two have fought like cat and dog and I constantly act as their referee (don't get me wrong - I love them very much!)!

Chuchoter

In my experience, only children can be some of the most spoilt and badly behaved kids you come across. For example, I can babysit 3 kids from babies to 6 and 7 at the same time no bother, but one only child and I am screwed, because everything is a tantrum and its their way or the high way.

You then have to balance that against he'll be able to do more things outside of school as you only have 1 to pick and drop, he'll be used to his own company and you'll be able to help him more with schoolwork.

Das Kitty

Pfft, I know plenty of only children who are perfectly well adjusted.

Some of the points above are probably a good indication of why you get the responses and reactions you do IRL, I wouldn't worry about them though.

Funeral costs and arrangements seems like a bizarre reason to have more children to me. It's usually one who takes over the arrangements anyway, and as for the cost of nursing homes, you see it left to one as well a lot, usually the one who's not going to keep bugging the others for help.

As for grieving, you usually go through your own process there, yes you can reminisce with siblings but ultimately you have to all deal with it in your own way and alone.

I think too, when parents die it can cause terrible arguments between siblings over inheritance, some never to be resolved, I've seen it in my own family.

metrovelvet

Its not a reason to have more kids but your only kid will get landed with you with no one else to pass the parcel to.

Moonbeam

It is your deicision and no one elses.
Some people have no choice and are only lucky enough to have one others decide for personal or financial reasons to have one,it is your choice and don'y pay attention to other peoples opinions.
They are ful of opinions about big families too so you can't win.

I am an only child and as a result I could never do it to a child and it is so important for me that my child isn't.

Acoshla

I'm an only child and I don't like it, I would love to have the bond most of my friends have with their sisters or brothers etc. I personally would prefer to have more than one because growing up alone means you don't learn basic skills like sharing, I mean obviously yes I can share, but only because I know I have to, it's not something that ever came easy to me with toys etc.

Even basic things are different, like a few days ago myself and my friends were talking about games we had growing up, they listed out Buckaroo, Hungry Hippos, Operation, all my games were solitary ones, no point having hungry hippos when you've nobody to play it with. Maybe if your son has cousins his age it would help, I didn't.

And it also means Christmas Day always sounds like more fun in other people's houses. And I hate that I will never be an aunt, my friend's older siblings are starting to have kids now and they're all so delighted with their baby nieces and nephews, it's not nice knowing I will never have that, if I want kids around the pressure is all on me. Which also means that if I don't have kids my parents won't ever be grandparents. So more pressure there.

These may sound like petty reasons but they all result in a basic loneliness that I don't think people from larger families understand.

metrovelvet

Spadina wrote: »

I'm an only child and I don't like it, I would love to have the bond most of my friends have with their sisters or brothers etc. I personally would prefer to have more than one because growing up alone means you don't learn basic skills like sharing, I mean obviously yes I can share, but only because I know I have to, it's not something that ever came easy to me with toys etc.

Even basic things are different, like a few days ago myself and my friends were talking about games we had growing up, they listed out Buckaroo, Hungry Hippos, Operation, all my games were solitary ones, no point having hungry hippos when you've nobody to play it with. Maybe if your son has cousins his age it would help, I didn't.

And it also means Christmas Day always sounds like more fun in other people's houses. And I hate that I will never be an aunt, my friend's older siblings are starting to have kids now and they're all so delighted with their baby nieces and nephews, it's not nice knowing I will never have that, if I want kids around the pressure is all on me. Which also means that if I don't have kids my parents won't ever be grandparents. So more pressure there.

These may sound like petty reasons but they all result in a basic loneliness that I don't think people from larger families understand.

My son is an only child. It seems to me that the relationship with the parent is much more focused and intense too than in families with more than one child.

T-Square

giftgrub wrote: »

Our little lad is 18 months old now and is magic...when he's not wrecking the house..

However we've discussed it and we both agreed that the baby shop is now closed.

Initially we both found the whole thing very stressful and my other half suffered from post natal depression.

So we're not keen on a repeat.

When people ask if we're "going again" and we say no we get funny looks...they we have to hear about how the company is great for him and so on

As an only child myself I like to think I turned out OK!!

So whats wrong with having one?

The most environmentally unfriendly thing you can do is have a second child.

Do a world a favour and ignore the ingrained catholic nonsense
that thinks having 18 kids is great! As the de-motivational poster says, "It's a vagina, not a clown car"

dextero

spadina the grass is always greener. People from large families wish they were only children and visa versa. I have one child now who is 7 and I still havent decided wether to have more or not. He is extremely happy and confident, shares with other kids, is polite and gets loads of social contact with his peers. My sister has four kids and she is run ragged, she doesnt have enough time to spend with each of them and they spend their whole time fighting. I hate when people ask if I will have more - Its none of their business and so rude! Giftgrub I have found the easiest thing is to say I dont know and change the subject.

doodlenoodle

I'm considering more children, not because I particularly want to go through the whole baby thing, but because I'd love for my kids to have a larger family.You might have a strong network of friends, which is great...but, it's not the same as family.

Your siblings might be awful, but at the end of the day they are yours (want them or not).

An only child is not automatically spoilt...that is up to the parents to make sure it doesn't happen.

Dubstar07

I think the overriding message here is it's nobody's business but your own!
Whatever you feel is best for you and your situation is ultimately what will ensue.

There are several points above that are quite valid and give many of the pro's and cons that I can think of. A friend I grew up with as an only child and was spoilt but they also lost one parent at the age of 13, which put alot of stress on them.

My most recent case of an only child is through my in-laws. The child is definitely not spoilt has a very close relationship with a similar aged cousin and her aunts. The parents have decided another child was not on the cards.

This is what works for them and they seem very happy.

gaeilgegrinds1

I get landed with all the tough decisions, all the eldest girls I know seem to! I just think it can be lonely on only children, can...not always mind. It's yer decision at the end of the day. It's a bit insensitive of people to pry in my opinion, my friend is only 31 and has had to have all her baby making organs taken out due to illness, when she gets asked about number 2 while in my company I go on the attack, mind yer own business people. Just make sure he has lots of friends or cousins or whatever over lots and all should be ok.

Acoshla

Just to say one more thing about this, I have a great relationship with my parents, my mom is my best friend and my Dad dotes on me even though he has since had another child, and I know I have to thank being an only child for being so close to my mom, obviously if she had more she couldn't spend so much time, energy (and money) on me. And she brought me up not to be a spoiled brat thank God, made me earn treats and money etc.

It is also stressful now because my Mom lives alone, I live far away, when I go home I get the major guilts that I don't live closer to her.

So there are good points but I do think the bad outweigh the good, unless your child has a huge extended family of similar age cousins to substitute for siblings.

Edit: I've just remembered that you mentioned post natal depression as a reason to stick with one, that IMO would be one of the main valid reasons for not having more children which would make complete sense tbh.

LegacyUser

I have to say that I find the whole 'that one child is left to look after you when your in an old folks home, or dying' a completely ridiculous reason to have, or want to have more than one child!!

We can't live on lvfes focussing on when or how we will die, and who will or won't look after us!!!

My son is an only child and is pretty well adjusted. He has many friends, who are in and out of our house day in/day out. He often says he's not going out, because he has had enough of them all and wants to chill and watch tv alone.

I on the other hand came from a very large family. And I would have dearly loved to have been an only child! There are many negatives to having alot of siblings - no matter what anyone tells you! Yes, some of us have good relationships, but some don't. And the politics that goes with having siblings when a parent dies...well...don't get me started on that one!
I'm speaking from my own experience here obviously, and I know there are many families who are close and who couldn't live without the love and support from siblings. I've turned out ok despite the fact that I didn't get that, and my son is also turning out ok.
Tell them all to mind their own beeswax OP!!!

eviltwin

I grew up in a family of three kids. Growing up we were all close in age but that didn't translate into friendship. If anything I think we annoyed each other. As adults things haven't changed. And they are all overseas so if anything happens to my mum its all going to fall back on me anyway. So having a large brood is not a guarantee of anything.

My own daughter was an only child for the first 12 years of her life and it didn't do her any harm and she is not spoilt in the slightest so that old stereotype doesn't always apply.

Its not really anyone else's business anyway is it? If you and your partner are both in agreement then sod everyone else.

nesf

It makes perfect sense to stick to just one when post natal depression is a factor.


To comfort you, there's been a ton of research done on single kid families, to see what effects it has on the kid but from all accounts they grow up happy and well adjusted without siblings. They've looked hard but they've yet to find any consistently proven factor that only children have due to the lack of siblings.

dan_d

OP it's your decision, but can I give you another side of it?

I'm from a family of 4 kids. My OH is an only child.He's fantastic...totally well-adjusted, completely unspoiled etc.BUT.....

He's the only one. His mother's on the phone every other day asking how he is. She notices when he gets new socks, remembers the name of every doctor he's ever had - everything. He has to get in every weekend to see the parents.That sounds stupid, but since we work 50 hour weeks, there are other things that we also HAVE to do, and he's running around like an idiot trying to find 2 hours to go see his parents. If he doesn't, they're on the phone looking for him. He's an only grandchild on one side of the family - he has 4 elderly relatives in their 60s/70s living on their own, and he spends so much time on the road going around to see them. His parents tend to still treat him as if he's 10, because well, he'll always be their little boy - some things are such a struggle with them.

I on the other hand, see my parents almost every weekend, but if I don't....I'm not sure they even notice!! There's always someone there to go shopping or for coffee with my mam. Visiting relatives/grandparents etc...there's 4 of us to spread it between. There's always something going on in our house, it's fun. We have great conversations, loads of friends because we've all each other's friends aswell.

My OH has absolutely no understanding of the relationships between siblings. He doesn't understand that you can fight and scream at each other, and an hour later, go shopping together. He doesn't get that for all the rows and hating each other, they're still your siblings, and your blood. He finds it tricky sometimes, with my siblings, to understand how I can hate them (!) sometimes and yet still talk to them! He never had to share the TV/a bedroom/sweets...anything.

More, as your son gets older (you'll particularly notice this on holidays), he'll want you to be playing with him all the time, because there's just him. It's kind of tiring for you too. But I noticed this with my 2 young cousins this year - there's 2 of them. They play together. They do everything together, even though there's 5 years between them. It means that they can amuse each other, and they're quite happy.

I worry a lot about the future. My OH will be the only one, with the responsibility for at least 4 elderly relatives on his shoulders - 6 if you include his parents. What happens if one of his parents dies? The other becomes his sole responsibility. What happens if they have to go into a home? Who pays for it? He's the only one - there's nobody else to try and spread the cost with. How is he going to deal by himself with any illnesses/treatments as they get older, and when they die? I'll do my best, but at the end of the day, he is the only one. It worries me a lot, because I'll be there with him, watching it happen and knowing it will all land on his shoulders. We're only in our late twenties, and already it's difficult.

It's just another side to it. I have no children, but I want 2 or 3. Personally, my take on it is that if you can give your child a sibling, you really should. It's one of the best things you can do for your child - and yourself. People are naturally social, and to be honest, whatever about you, it's harder on your son that he's the only one. On the surface of it, it mightn't appear that way but as life goes on, he probably will find it hard.

Now, you have your reasons to not want to and that's fine. I'm not going to convince you otherwise. But I just thought I'd give you another side of it...it's not just you that it affects.

astra2000

dan_d wrote: »

OP it's your decision, but can I give you another side of it?

I'm from a family of 4 kids. My OH is an only child.He's fantastic...totally well-adjusted, completely unspoiled etc.BUT.....

He's the only one. His mother's on the phone every other day asking how he is. She notices when he gets new socks, remembers the name of every doctor he's ever had - everything. He has to get in every weekend to see the parents.That sounds stupid, but since we work 50 hour weeks, there are other things that we also HAVE to do, and he's running around like an idiot trying to find 2 hours to go see his parents.)





Op I think this is the most important point of the lot. I know if I had only
one child I would be a very intense parent, and would have way too much focus on the child, be aware that this could be a problem and keep an eye on it, tbh I doubt I would be able to stop myself and i am glad for my kids that they have siblings!!!!!!

Acoshla

dan_d very well said, sums it up really.

And as for what you said about him having to visit them/speak to them all the time, I speak to my mother at least 3 times a day, it's often more around the 7/8 mark And she has a rule that she has to see me at least once a month. When I went abroad for a year she came to visit 3 times, spent 10 grand and a lot of long haul flights doing it. Being an only child does result in an intense relationship so be prepared for that if you stick with one.

sarahlulu

No matter whether you have another baby or not, it will not stop the questions. I have three, and still get asked, when are you going for another one? Best response is to say we will see what happens and leave it at that.

It is frustrating though that people feel they have a right to question you on something so personal. I have suffered post natal depression after all of my babies, and completely understand why you would not want to go through that again.

All you can do is what feels right for your family, and if that means no more babies, then that is your decision.

Sharlovesjohn

I always wished there was only two or three of us as much as i say I love my brothers and sister the ones with the biggest age gap I've always got on better, Id love to have a couple of years of just me and my parents,

Op I plan on having one even then for years I planned on having none times change people change you never know in a few years you may change your mind but then again you may not,


Why are people pushing what they think is the right way to do thing in life, is the way everyone else should do it?

LegacyUser

Only the two of you should choose what you want for your family.

Some of the comments here have amused me greatly though. I have three siblings, and can honestly say I've never seen any sign of love and support!! Other than growing up together I might as well be an only child, I've given up trying to stay in touch with them as it's exhausting and not worth the effort to maintain one-sided relationships. I send birthday and Christmas cards - always unreciprocated - but my conscience is clear. I might add that none of us are young either! There are no nieces/nephews or grandchildren, despite there being four of us.

My parents are older and not in the best of health. I'm the only one who rings them regularly and I try to visit several times a year despite living the furthest from them. (I already know I'm to be the one taking care of them when something happens, as they've put my name on their bank accounts.) They are even encouraging me to keep certain bits for myself, and I can just see the fireworks if I ever tried to do as they're telling me!!

Families are all different, having more children is no guarantee of anything. so you need to do what's best for yourselves and your own family.

bubbaloo

I have one son and I went through hell for 7 years to have him. Then when he was here I got post natal depression.
But I would still try to give him a sibling because my dad has alzheimers and my sister and I say every week how happy we are to have each other for support.
If I can offer that support to my little boy for when he's older I'm going to try, even though the thought of it for me is horrendous.
Sorry - but I just think it is about your child and not about you.

iguana

Das Kitty wrote: »

Funeral costs and arrangements seems like a bizarre reason to have more children to me.

See here's the thing though, you don't really have a child, you have a person. Being a child is just a temporary state, they are a person forever. If you decide to bring a person into the world then you do have a degree of responsibility for that person for the rest of their lives even though in most cases you will die before their life ends. So yes, people should be thinking of that when they are having their families, it's actually bizarre not to.

CrazyRabbit

Evolution would dictate that for our species to thrive, the average couple would need to have at least 2 children, and usually more. 2 people having 2 kids would maintain the population. But as some children die, it's actually important to our species to have more. Therefore, I think there is something engrained in our genes that compels us to see 2+ kids as 'normal'.

So, with the genetic factor as well as influence from advertising (look at adverts of families on holiday...mum+dad+boy+girl usually), it's easy to understand how people could consider 1 child to be unusual.

January

Just tell them you CAN'T have anymore children, that'll shut them up quickly enough!!

Das Kitty

iguana wrote: »

See here's the thing though, you don't really have a child, you have a person. Being a child is just a temporary state, they are a person forever. If you decide to bring a person into the world then you do have a degree of responsibility for that person for the rest of their lives even though in most cases you will die before their life ends. So yes, people should be thinking of that when they are having their families, it's actually bizarre not to.

I'm not disputing that at all. I just think that adding an extra person to the world for the purpose of helping out with the arrangements for a couple of funerals and splitting the cost is bizarre. It's small potatoes in the grand scheme of a person's life. It could be classed a slight consideration, but a reason, no.

It usually gets left up to one child anyway, I know even though there are 4 of us it'll be me who does all the paying and organising, and I've seen it time and time again with friends and relatives.

iguana

Das Kitty wrote: »

It usually gets left up to one child anyway, I know even though there are 4 of us it'll be me who does all the paying and organising, and I've seen it time and time again with friends and relatives.

That's just your experience, not what's usual. In my dad's family all his siblings saw my grandmother regularly and all helped take care of her when she needed it. In my mum's my mum and three of her brothers do everything my nana needs, the other brother did up too until he became incapable. My nana and her siblings looked after my great-grandparents together. I would be extremely surprised if either of my brothers or I don't all play a role in caring for my parents if they ever need it, the same is true for my husband and his siblings. I don't know anyone in my extended family or among my neighbours/friends where one person has been left alone to care for a parent if they have siblings.

I know it happens but it's far, far from usual. Sure having a number of children is no guarantee that by the time they are in adulthood they will care for you and each other enough to help each other out when needed and that one person won't be left with the burden by themselves. But only having one does guarantee that that one person will be left to cope alone.

It's also quite far from 'small potatoes' in a person's life. Care of an elderly parent can last decades, even if it just lasts a few months it's still one of the most significant occurrences in life. It's a lot to need from just one person.

Das Kitty

I said that funeral costs and arrangements was a bizarre reason to me, not caring for you when you're old. Them's some big potatoes.

Dudess

I hadn't thought of the later in life thing, moreso the child missing out on having a sibling when growing up, and perhaps the "skills" this might give them when relating to other children, e.g. sharing. But that's just my take, I'm not a child psychologist - if not having another child is the right decision for you OP, then nobody should judge you. And as for the child being spoilt, well surely that would be down to the parents?

How Strange

I only know a few only children and as kids they did seem more opinionated, selfish and spoiled that kids with siblings but that was my perspective as a kid. Perhaps I was jealous because they had everything to themselves!

As adults they are lovely, well grounded people who are no better or worse than people with siblings.

We're expecting our first child and I've already said I want another because I want him/her to have a sibling. That said if for some reason we couldn't
have more than one I would still
consider our little family to be
complete.

I think it's a personal decision for each couple to make and other people should mind their own business. There is no right or wrong thing to do.

drBill

Agree it's your own business, and I can understand why you're reluctant to go again.
We have two boys, aged two years apart, and I think the advantage of having more than one is that they spend much more time in each others company rather than in adult company which would otherwise be the case. I feel this is good in terms of learning to share, play, interact, etc, plus as they grow they are less demanding on our time as parents to keep them amused. It's a vastly different upbringing for the kid(s).
Kids are a workload and when we had just the one, we wondered how we'd be able to cope with another, but apart from the first few months there wasn't really much additional effort in moving from one to two.

Just my thoughts - and I accept I'm biased towards having more than one! Don't feel under pressure to go either way, it's for you both to decide and nobody else, but do make sure you consider all the facts when you're deciding. Best of luck.

wolfpawnat

OP it is up to you and your partner how you live your lives, that includes how many children ye have. If your OH had PND it is something she (and of course you) will have to take into account if the question arises about ye having more children.

There are 3 and a half years between my sister and myself, and we cannot stand each other. I spent years with the "you have to look after your sister", "take your sister with you", "your the oldest so it was your job to make sure she didn't do anything bold", etc. Oldest siblings, especially girls get a lot put on the shoulders. I as good as raised my sister because my mother stopped caring.

I now have a 18mth old son and the question has been asked several times, and my answer is no more. He may be seen as spoiled when he is older but he will have a great quality of life, as will I and his dad. The amount of children you have alters this. Plus I was always terrified that if I had another one would I have the time and energy for him, as a baby takes up all day and would he be pushed aside. I adore him to bits so I want him to have everything I can possibly give him!

As for this "evolution" thing, it is true it is natural to want to create more but 2 things,
- humans have a thought process and means to prevent more children if they want to.
- there are more than enough people making up the balance if you decide to have just one child!!!!! Some women seem to pop out children as a pastime.

As for the argument "the only child has to look after the elderly parents" that is just parents being self centred and controlling. I have heard a GP saying to my OH that the days of people having children to look after them when they are old are gone, and he is right. I hate this mantra of "parents do so much for their children, investing time and money into you, its the least you could do to repay them"
1. the child does not ask to be concieved, that is mummy and daddy's fault.
2. A child has the right to their own independent life when they are an adult. We all left home and if our parents were controlling we were angry at them, so why do it to our kids?
I will cry when my son leaves home for college and I will cry when he decides he is moving away for work, and I will call him every week to see how he is getting on but it will be his life and I don't want to feel like I am holding him back. I don't want to be on my death bed thinking he could be a cardiac consultant had I not forced him to stay home! Thats not being a parent that IMO is being a prison warden. A songbirds song is never as sweet in a cage as it is in the wild!

OP you and your OH are all that matters in the decision making process, only children are not the worst, children in the middle of a brood with no guidance are far worse, believe me!

If others want more children, no one bats an eyelid. But God forbid if you wish to have only one!!!!

Grawns

If it was an unpleasant stressful experience of course you don't want to have another one. My little one is 18 months and it was the easiest most fantastic experience for me. If it hadn't been I probably wouldn't be keen to try for another.

Never say never though. Lots of families have large gaps between children and depending on your ages (I'm 40 so it's now or never) you could easily decide to risk it when your child heads off to school. The best age gap is something like 3 to 4 years apparently.

Ultimately it's your joint decision and nobody elses business.

iguana

wolfpawnat wrote: »

As for the argument "the only child has to look after the elderly parents" that is just parents being self centred and controlling. I have heard a GP saying to my OH that the days of people having children to look after them when they are old are gone, and he is right. I hate this mantra of "parents do so much for their children, investing time and money into you, its the least you could do to repay them"

What?!!? You don't take care of your parents when they need it because you owe them. You do it because you love them and when someone you love needs you you do what they need. I'll help my parents if they need it whether my brothers do or not because I love them. And I can say confidently that my brothers feel the same. Which means that when/if that time comes we will share that responsibility which will make it easier on all of us.

cynder

Nothing is wrong with only having 1 child, my brother only has 1 and 2 of my sister in-laws have none (age 38 and 41) I know a few people i know only had one child and 17 (21, 18, 12) years later pop out another one, sometimes accidents happen and they don't agree with abortion so they have the child and love them just as much as they would have if they were planned. Others only ever have 1 or none. Personally i don't give a toss if someone has 1 kid or 4 ( after 4 i think that its a bit much especially if they are under 30).


I have 3 kids and my daughter was an only child for 6 years mainly because of circumstances.

cynder

wolfpawnat wrote: »

As for the argument "the only child has to look after the elderly parents" that is just parents being self centred and controlling. I have heard a GP saying to my OH that the days of people having children to look after them when they are old are gone, and he is right. I hate this mantra of "parents do so much for their children, investing time and money into you, its the least you could do to repay them"
1. the child does not ask to be concieved, that is mummy and daddy's fault.
2. A child has the right to their own independent life when they are an adult.

100% agree.

My mother has already told me when she is old and past it stick her in a home, i have my own life to live. I will tell my kids the same thing.
I love my mom 100%.

Madame Razz

I'm an only child by default. My mother couldn't have anymore children after me due to a medical condition. I grew up in a very rural part of Irrlandwgere everybody else came from large families, so being an onlychild back then almost made you freak like. It's more common now; and I think that makes it easier on the only children. I always had lots of friends growing up, and the most terrific grandparents, so being an only child never caused me any difficulty. If anything, it has helped me immensely in my life. I am infinately more independent and self sufficient than anybody else I know, and this has helped me massively in the work that I do. In fact I actually am so accustomed to my own space that I actually need it. I've never missed having siblings, you can't miss what you don't have. My mother is an only child also, and she has 'full responsibility' for her parents, which isn't so bad, as she has my father to support her, and it works out fine. As my parents get older I have no doubt that my partner will support me the same way.

There are much worse things than being an only child; parents really shouldn't beat themselves up or feel guilty for just having one.

My mother does ring me incessantly tho; that's probably the worst thing about it:p

Grawns

In response to FUtoo's post: I believe that whether you thrive or not as an only child is just as much about nature as nurture. I have a niece of 12 who is the very definition of a lonely only. She hates being on her own at any time and is very jealous of her mothers time. That's just her personality and my sister - her Mother, was the same when we were growing up. Wouldn't read a book or do anything solitary. Would drive you mad with the constant need for attention.

She suffered from being an only child - where I think I would have thrived

mykh

I think the decision should be based on what is good for you.
Kids can turn out fine whatever the family size.
Personally I find two is good in that they entertain each other, once you get past the baby stage. So two is no more work than one (once you get past the baby stage!) but more rewarding.

Teferi

I'd like to give my opinion on this as an only child.

I'll start by saying I love it. The thought of having siblings terrifies me. I was(/am) spoiled but I wasn't rotten and therein lies the difference. I've known many people with brothers and sisters who are absolute brats to their family. I always appreciated everything my parents done for me and still do. There was a comment made by a babysitter earlier in this thread about only children being terrible to mind but I can only answer that this is down to bad parenting.

During my childhood I was probably the best out of my friends at sharing. This seems to be a big issue for some reason but I would argue that siblings are worse at sharing than only children because siblings always have to share so they covet things a lot more. Only children have full use of a game at all times so I was always delighted to share my toys.

There seems to be a fear that only children need special attention to be socialised right. I'm calling bull**** on this. You would think that only children are locked in the attic and thrown a bucket of fishheads at night. Move into a family friendly neighbourhood and send them to a regular school. Job done. We're more willing to pick up friends as we don't have constant companions in the form of siblings.

If you fear for his independence then when old enough send him to cubs/scouts (don't bother with beavers, most get tired of it and quit early). I wanted to join cubs when I was 9 and I'm still involved in scouting today (22yo now). I was already an independent little bugger but I know that scouting helps kids be self-sufficient as they're not mothered on weekends away etc. I know that many only children end up being quite dependent on their parents but I've met many more who seem to have a much more independent streak than most kids.

Some cons;

I would say that I am quite lazy when it comes to stuff around the house. There is only 3 of us in our house so it's never really messy but when it is I stay out of it because I know my parents will do it. I know I shouldn't but I get away with so...;)

Any only children (incl. myself) I've met seem to be more pigheaded than kids with siblings. We probably get our own way more than most so I'd say this has something to do with it. This can be good or bad though.

I know I get quite competitive when it comes to sports etc. I never has brothers to compete with so I think all the stored competitiveness comes out on the field or playing any sort of game. Probably a little bit too competitive.

I worry what I'll do as my parents age and die. They'll be dependent on me and then I won't have anyone to mourn with when they die but c'est la vie. I can't worry about this my whole life and I know my rents wouldn't want me to.

I'd just thought I would tell you this to show what being an only child is like. Of course, the decision to have another is up to you but being an only child won't harm the child in any way, shape or form.