Used for sex....when will I learn???

LegacyUser

I'll keep this short but I'm feeling really bad about myself. I met a guy a few wks ago on a dating site, had loads of calls and text and the usual stuff. Met up, and really hit it off. Saw him a few times (6 in all) over the course of two wks - He seemed lovely, all lovely long nights loads of laughs and fun. We kissed and there was a definate chemistry there, but I never invited him back, he alwasy called me on his way home after the night out, and again a sweet txt in the morning- until this weekend, he called around (invited himself) ended up staying and eventually the next morning I gave in an did the deed! Mortified now....and feel realy really cheap.. Have bearly heard from him since. Only a quick txt to saw he is in a bad situation and hasn't much time - although he did tell me of a long history of depression in his family. I think this is bull since he is on the site all the time. It was an obvious case of just wanting sex. Now in fairness the sparks were flying and we both really enjoyed it, but I feel used.

And the worst thing is I did the same thing a few months ago - met a guy, went on 10 dates with him, did loads of stuff together, even visited him with his family - but then the minute I slept with him (a month into it) he never calls again either.

I think it is an internet dating thing....but really, are they all just looking for sex? I know it is not all men, but do these men even have a conscience? After building up a bit of a rapport with someone, so they even feel guilty that there are hurting women? I am a total softie, over 30 and I am a very genuine and caring person. I would say I normally dont suffer fool and can spot a player, I never normally sleeep around, but I honestly felt with both of them that we could have something. Maybe not marriage, but some sort of relationship. Any guys out there that have done that? What do you think after?

I'm devestated and just cant fathom how to date in these times..... Any advice appreciated

Adam

sex could be a deal breaker that early in the relationship...are you confident in your skills in the bedroom?

greengiant09

as a male, i feel really bad for you. its true that some men are bas*tards like that but not all of them. i can usually tell them a mile off but some women are very vunerable around certain kinds of men and fall for their tricks. it happens to men too.....maybe not regarding sex but a girl has recently used me and treated me like sh*te....not sure what her motive was but it really hurt me. i honestly think we sometimes expect too much from people.....it might sound depressing but i think the majority of people use people for whatever reason....be it sex, money or something else.

munstergirl

Op, you did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel bad about.

You had a great 6 dates, now delete his number. And don't get in contact with him again.

Put it down to experience, and think back on it and laugh, not easy now.

Your probably better off anyway. plenty more fish in the sea

LegacyUser

OP here, yes Adam I am fairly confident about my skills in the bedroom. We both enjoyed it. Not that it matters. Its sort of like a catch 22 really - If I say yeah I'm very confident and we had a great time then some will say 'Oh maybe he thought you were too experience and had been around the block a bit too much' if I say I am not confident then of course that will be why he didnt bother to call. Its a minefield.

Thanks Greengiant and Munster girl. I know I will feel better in a few days but I just dont know how to play it with dating anymore. I'm not into games - if I like someone I will let them know and I dont have any hidden agenda. I think he was a player. I suppose he knew the buttons to press. Tonight he said he was sorry but that he did it cause I made him laugh and he loved my company and had wanted to escape his problems for a while.

Anyway you live and learn.

(Thanks for the responses....I can't tell my friends as they dont know I slept with him and would feel terrible to tell them now, so appreciate the advice on here.)

Sound Bite

OP, most of us have been used at some stage or another & it does make you feel like **** but don't take it personally.

Users are just that and don't give your feelings a second thought.

Have no experience with online dating but not all men are like this. Don't let a few bad experiences put you off.

Good luck

Cheap Thrills!

Hey don't be so hard on yourself, you waited 6 dates, what more could you have done?

At the end of the day no-one knows so forget about feeling 'cheap' -that's just a silly old fashioned concept.

You did nothing wrong. These men you are meeting just want sex, you want a relationship so maybe internet dating is not the way to go...

Anyway just wanted to say stop beating yourself up.

AngryBadger

So in reality you're so lacking in self-respect you can't possibly take responsibility for sleeping with this guy, and would much rather paint it like a big mistake, or even better, he took advantage.

Why not just be a grown-up and admit you slept with him, it was a mistake, and you're going to deal with that like an adult, and not a child.

How Strange

Op, I don't see how you were used for sex. You were sleeping with the guy and decided to gave sex. Dud he lie to you or mislead you in anyway before you had sex.

If having sex with new partners makes you feel so bad about yourself then you should bear that in mind fir future relationships. However I think its disingenuous to say you were used. You're a 30+ year old woman.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I think that whatever you're feeling right now has more to do with you than the guy.

If your self esteem is so low then you shouldn't put yourself in that situation again and only have sex when you're completely ready to. Then you won't feel so vulnerable afterwards.

IMO you should look on what happened as something you enjoyed at the time and if it doesn't develop any further then so be it. That's life. It's nothing to feel guilty or bad about.

I think if you're looking for something serious/long term, you're having sex too soon, given that these men are basically strangers. It might not be a popular opinion but I have to have the relationship there first and starting off as strangers, that takes a hell of a lot more than 2 weeks. If it's just casual dating, then you can't really expect anything more, and the guys haven't really done anything wrong by dropping out of contact. It seems like you're behaving as if you want a casual fling, but then getting upset when the guys don't treat it like a relationship.

Elle Collins

I disagree with some of the more recent posts. I think you very obviously sent out signals that you wanted a relationship, which these men conveniently ignored. (What woman waits for six dates if all she wants is her leg over?)

What you're going to have to do OP is send out these same signals for LONGER next time round, much longer, and if a man is worth having he'll wait. I think Miley Dry Dirt is right in her assertion that two weeks was just too soon.

Also, as far as the internet is concerned, there are so many men on there just looking for their hole I really think you're wasting your time trying to find a relationship in that medium. Best of luck to you and please ignore some of the nasty attacking comments on this thread - some people just cant think of any other way to make themselves feel good other than sitting behind a computer spewing out venom at strangers who are in obviously vulnerable places in their lives. You should just briefly feel sorry for them, then move on to concentrate on the important business, which is being good to yourself.

LegacyUser

Some of these posts are too harsh on the OP.

She was used for sex! Let's face it, 6 dates with one guy, over a period of a few weeks and 10 dates with another where they are doing nonsexual things!! What other message does that send out but 'I want a relationship!
It's not like she jumped them after one or two dates!!!

OP the length of time you wait is irrelevant in many ways. It's all down to the type of man you chose -- i.e. a player versus someone who is looking for the same things you are. Some relationships have formed after what was supposed to be a one night stand for instance.

As others have said, the internet dating scene is riddled with players and you'll be hard pressed to find a man looking for a relationship there.

Having said all this, could there be any chance that the sex wasn't mutually good? Were sparks flying? I know myself that funny things put me off people after having sex with them. I could want a relationship before hand but dull sex, a mad bush of pubic hair, bad hygeine or some sexual fetishes that I'm not into could put me off. Could any of these be a possibility?

Also, are you verbally clear about what you want? I.e. have you said you are looking for a relationship? as opposed to dating for instance? If you make this verbally clear right from the start it might deter those looking for a quick lay.

LegacyUser

I don't quite understand why guys would do this - go on 10 dates, have sex once and then never contact you?

As a man I've played the field in my day and met up with girls over periods of time on a casual enough basis. But unless something awkward or odd happened sex was never a cut off point. Surely if they wanted sex they would contact you more after you had slept with them?

I don't mean to embarrass but could there be hygiene issues at play? I once was with a girl let's just say, smelled quite strongly after sex and it put me completely off ever sleeping with her again.

Bottle_of_Smoke

You could stop embracing victim status and try and win him over. Faint heart never won fair man.

Almost sounds as if you treat sex as some kind of relationship currency.

Beruthiel

OP
I am of the opinion that you can only be used for sex if you allow it to happen.
If you had sex with him, it's because you wanted to.
If you didn't want to, why did you?
If you did want to, then you weren't used, it was by consent.
Either way, only do what you want.
As with all wo/men in life, some will be interested in hanging around for the long term, some won't.
You are the only constant.
Deside what it is you want and take it from there.

sbsquarepants

Don't be so hard on yourself!
You waited 6 dates and 10 dates, doesn't sound to me like someone just used you for sex!
When i was a single man, i would often only be interested in sex with a particular woman, there is no way in hell would i be prepared to put in 6 or 10 dates to get it, not unless there was a genuine spark and i was genuinely interested in the woman. I don't think many men would be prepared to go to those lengths just for sex, it's not like it's THAT hard to come by (forgive the tastless pun)
For someone to go to the time and effort of going out with you 6 times or 10 times, they had to like you to some degree.
You didn't let anyone play you so you have no real reason to feel bad!

However, this is my take on it - there is absolutely nothing wrong, in my opinion, with having a 1 night stand, so long as that is what both parties want. You shouldn't treat sex as a reward for putting in x amount of work, maybe that's more the reason you're being so hard on yourself, as you said yourself, you gave in. That's where you went wrong, don't give in - not ever. Do it when it's right for you, whether that's after 10 dates or 10 minutes is entirely at your discretion, there are no rules to this stuff, if it feels right, it is and if it feels wrong it certainly is.

LegacyUser

Don't be put off internet dating by this, I met my husband online (and we slept together after 5 dates!!) so there are no rules about what is the correct length of time to wait, just do what feels natural to you.

I would agree with the other posters that it would be unusual for a guy to put in all the efforts of going on 6 dates with the intention of just sleeping with you once and then never calling you again. Obviously there are some B***ards out there but they are not the majority, and it seems like a lot of work to put in just for one night. Even if he was looking for just that, why stop at a single night?

I don't mean to make you feel any worse about yourself than you already do, but it sounds like something scared him off. A few of the other posters have mentioned hygiene/sex issues, but I think the answer is probably simpler than that, and is probably to do with your behaviour after you had sex.

I obviously don't know how you acted after the sex, but I can only guess that you feared that he was "using" you and sought to validate your reasons for sleeping with him by being clingy, or asking him whether he saw a future together or when you would see him again.

I guess during the dates with these men that you probably wanted to give them the impression that you are a lot of fun and easy-going but perhaps your behaviour changes after you have slept together and this scares them off?

In my experience, men, no matter how nice and/or "relationship-type" they are, will run a mile if they start sensing someone getting too clingy too soon.

Stu

Listen OP, i don't mean to sound harsh but you slept with these guys because you wanted to and enjoyed it by all accounts. Your a 30 odd year old women. How can you say you were being taken advantage of.

You shouldn't feel bad about the situation. Just learn from it and move on. Next time you meet a guy, make him wait for 6 months if thats what you feel is the time needed to really get to know him on a deep level. If he wants to be with you because he likes you, the chances are he won't put any pressure on you and he won't be going anywhere but please don't play the victim, your not a naieve 18 year old.

MD!

i too think that a lot of these posts are far too harsh on the op. these guys gave her the impression they really liked her and wanted to develop something by giving her lots of attention and wanting to meet up for lots of dates.
what stands out for me is not the number of dates but the time period they occurred within. meeting someone 6 times in 2 weeks and 10 times in a month (did i read something about meeting family???!!) is a lot and would set alarm bells ringing. lots of guys like a 'challenge' and i bet there are plenty that would go on loads of dates just to get what they want. like the other posters said, some guys are just after sex and whether you sleep with them on the 1st date or 20th date they will be gone once they get it.
the only advice i would have is to maybe stretch out dating someone over a longer period of time - its v easy to get caught up in the flurry of excitement in the first couple of weeks and not be able to step back and see whats really going on.

jurgenscarl

MD! wrote: »

the only advice i would have is to maybe stretch out dating someone over a longer period of time - its v easy to get caught up in the flurry of excitement in the first couple of weeks and not be able to step back and see whats really going on.

Guys who regulary pick up women have several girls on the go at the same time.
If they are on their 5th date with one girl who is still holding out they might have two or three other girls they could be having sex with as back up, without any of them knowing about the others. If a girl keeps holding out, he can always drop her and pick up another girl.
When a guy kisses a girl goodnight at 10pm after a dinner date or trip to the cinema, he could be texting her 'Great nite.Cya soon xx' and then be texting another girl who has invited him over for sex that same night.
I know guys who go around getting phone numbers every day.
A dozen or more numbers a week might tranlate into only two or three possible dates for the weekend. They could have sex with a least one of those prospects every week.
There are attractive women falling from the sky so there are plenty of fish in the sea.
If they bump in to them again on night, a girl they slept with will always be an option.
The days of guys being loyal to one woman are long gone.
A girl who doesn't have sex with the first few dates risks losing the guy.
Guys don't have to beg and plead for sex anymore because single girls give sex away for free.
Only guys with no other options pay for prostitutes.
That's the long and short of it.
Guys go after woman because they want sex.
They act romantic because women want romance.
Women give men sex because they want romance in return.
That's how the game works.
No point in complaining.
If the OP wants to avoid being used for sex and feeling hurt she should see more people and eventually she will find a man who wants her for more.
It takes a hell of a lot of searching.
Most guys are on the hunt for wife material once they get bored by endless one night stands and casual sexual relationships.
But still a lot of married men are having affairs too.
That's just the nature of men.

Liam Byrne

^^^ The greatest load of bull**** generalisations ever seen in one place.

OP - if you wanted sex, you weren't used.

You chose to have sex, so if you're now regretting that decision, then you have some sympathy because we've all been there; but welcome to the real world where we all occasionally make bad judgement calls and have to live with them.

Onwards and upwards!

metrovelvet

From an American dating standards, the norm is once a week, while your still in early days.

Do not make yourself too available.

Looking back, were there any indications that these dates were heading to the same cul de sac?

katie99

I fell for a guy who was full of charm etc etc the usual stuff.
We dated and after a month or so he wanted to sleep with me. Promised he wouldn't go the full way and would respect me.
I said no. He got really angry and stormed off down the road.
Next thing I know he tells everybody in the pub where both of us met that I was frigid and immature and a virgin.
I was in the pub on a Friday night and he came over to me and infront of my friends asked me if I was still using my vibrator and when was the last time I had sex. He called me names and made insinuations about me personally.
What he didn't realise was one of my friends is a solicitor and she said he had made defamatory remarks about me.
Next thing she has referred me to a specialist Libel lawyer in Dublin city.
A letter went to this guy's home address. And guess what? Not only did he get a shock at its contents regarding slander but his 'wife' was equally shocked.
He never told me he was married nor ina relationship. Yipee!!!
He was forced to apologise to me in writing and contributed a sum of money to me which I have passed on to charity.
He doesn't come to that pub now nor does he go anywhere else local. Last I heard was he was trying to save his marriage.

jurgenscarl

katie99 wrote: »

I fell for a guy who was full of charm etc etc the usual stuff.
We dated and after a month or so he wanted to sleep with me. Promised he wouldn't go the full way and would respect me.
I said no. He got really angry and stormed off down the road.
Next thing I know he tells everybody in the pub where both of us met that I was frigid and immature and a virgin.
I was in the pub on a Friday night and he came over to me and infront of my friends asked me if I was still using my vibrator and when was the last time I had sex. He called me names and made insinuations about me personally.
What he didn't realise was one of my friends is a solicitor and she said he had made defamatory remarks about me.
Next thing she has referred me to a specialist Libel lawyer in Dublin city.
A letter went to this guy's home address. And guess what? Not only did he get a shock at its contents regarding slander but his 'wife' was equally shocked.
He never told me he was married nor ina relationship. Yipee!!!
He was forced to apologise to me in writing and contributed a sum of money to me which I have passed on to charity.
He doesn't come to that pub now nor does he go anywhere else local. Last I heard was he was trying to save his marriage.

That's hilarious.:D

An average frustrated chump if there ever was one.

ted1

if you were being used for sex the guys would have hung around for more especially if they had put in so much ground work. i'd look at the way you acted after the deed was done. Or with out wanting to sound mean i'd also look at the quality of the sex maybe they didn't enjoy it as much as you thought they did or perhaps your too good for them and made then felt inadequate

Ickle Magoo

What do you mean by:

FeelBadAboutMyself wrote: »

...and eventually the next morning I gave in an did the deed!

Did you give in to your own desires or was he pestering you?

tbh

naturally the OP wanted to have sex - as part of a more serious relationship. Sounds like the dude lied to her and led her to believe it was a more serious relationship he was after as well, and then after sex, turns out that's not what he was after.

So I don't think it's fair to criticise her for actually having sex and feeling duped - she was duped.

but then OP as someone else said - you waited six dates - what more could you have done? I suppose waited seven, but it's not like you were naive or anything.
You obviously took the guy at his word, and unfortunately his word was worthless. That's not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on him.

It's probably cold comfort to you, but you shouldn't feel like it's your fault. Some people are just dicks, unfortunately.
The main thing is not to let the actions of the dicks dictate how you live your life.
For me, getting the odd burn is an acceptable price to pay for choosing to life my life taking people at face value.

The alternative - distrusting everyone - just isn't how I want to experience the world, and I have to say, so far, so good.

jurgenscarl

OP you are being way to hard on yourself.
You wanted sex but you didn't know how to initiate.
The guy finally broke down your defences.
I'm often in the situation with a woman when we are back her place, we are lying on her bed, kissing passionately and I try to take it further and she keeps saying 'No. Too soon.'
This is just last minute resistance.
Most women get an attack of guilt especially when it is the first time she is having sex with a new guy.
I simply back up a bit and then go that little bit further and she will say 'No' only when I've gone a bit further again.
If I touch her breasts and she slaps my hands a way, I stop and then do it again and she will let me. Then i might put my hands between her legs and she will say no so I will pull back a bit and then do it again.
Eventually a woman will completely surrender.
That way a girl who thought or allowed herself to think we were just going to talk and have friendly cup of tea is going to find herself having with sex without knowing why she allowed herself or knowing why.
Women always moralise about their behaviour when they really wanted sex all along.

tbh

jurgenscarl wrote: »

OP you are being way to hard on yourself.
You wanted sex but you didn't know how to initiate.
The guy finally broke down your defences.
I'm often in the situation with a woman when we are back her place, we are lying on her bed, kissing passionately and I try to take it further and she keeps saying 'No. Too soon.'
This is just last minute resistance.
Most women get an attack of guilt especially when it is the first time she is having sex with a new guy.
I simply back up a bit and then go that little bit further and she will say 'No' only when I've gone a bit further again.
If I touch her breasts and she slaps my hands a way, I stop and then do it again and she will let me. Then i might put my hands between her legs and she will say no so I will pull back a bit and then do it again.
Eventually a woman will completely surrender.
That way a girl who thought or allowed herself to think we were just going to talk and have friendly cup of tea is going to find herself having with sex without knowing why she allowed herself or knowing why.
Women always moralise about their behaviour when they really wanted sex all along.

no offense dude, but that sounds a little creepy.

metrovelvet

Yes it does. She says no and he keeps going. There's a word for that.

desolate sun

I try to take it further and she keeps saying 'No. Too soon.'
This is just last minute resistance.

Jurgenscarl you really need to look at your behaviour in situations like this because it's not acceptable.

Beruthiel

jurgenscarl wrote: »

That way a girl who thought or allowed herself to think we were just going to talk and have friendly cup of tea is going to find herself having with sex without knowing why she allowed herself or knowing why.

jurgenscarl
One day, that behaviour of yours, is going to land you in a world of trouble.

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote: »

Yes it does. She says no and he keeps going. There's a word for that.

There are two; "pickup artist". :rolleyes:

OP it sounds like there was all sorts of stuff going on here re expectations. You wanted more and that's cool and it sounds like you took your time to find out if they were on the same page. While I agree that it shouldnt make any difference when you first start having sex, it does make a difference with a lot of men. Enough men that its best for a woman to be somewhat cautious.

I'd get over the used for sex part though, because it does sound like a bargaining tool.

These things happen with the best of intentions. Some people will go off you, some won't. A lot of the time for no real reason too BTW.

Chalk it up to experience, learn from it and move forward.

How Strange

jurgenscarl you really do sound like a creepy guy. On another more serious level you could very easily find yourself on assault charges in the future if this is your modus operandi.

HavingCrack

Bashing jurgenscarl creepiness isn't really helping the OP.

sbsquarepants

MD! wrote: »

i too think that a lot of these posts are far too harsh on the op. these guys gave her the impression they really liked her and wanted to develop something by giving her lots of attention and wanting to meet up for lots of dates.
what stands out for me is not the number of dates but the time period they occurred within. meeting someone 6 times in 2 weeks and 10 times in a month (did i read something about meeting family???!!) is a lot and would set alarm bells ringing. lots of guys like a 'challenge' and i bet there are plenty that would go on loads of dates just to get what they want. like the other posters said, some guys are just after sex and whether you sleep with them on the 1st date or 20th date they will be gone once they get it.
the only advice i would have is to maybe stretch out dating someone over a longer period of time - its v easy to get caught up in the flurry of excitement in the first couple of weeks and not be able to step back and see whats really going on.

Nonsense, neither i nor any of the men i know like a challenge, if you like someone and want to be with them, either just sexually or a full blown romance, what you want is compatability, not to be chasing some "reward" that's just out of reach, nothing and I mean, absolutely nothing, puts men off faster than this kind of female game playing bulls'hit.
Men are straight forward creatures, most of us like sex, most of us like women who like sex also, no man, or very very few anyway, below the age of 35 or 40 say, would judge a woman they liked for having sex with them on a first date for example, only other women do that. No man want's to meet his dream woman only to find out she's some sort of prude and crap in the sack, we are realists, we realise that if you want to be good at something you have to practice!! Practice makes perfect remember:)

sbsquarepants

jurgenscarl wrote: »

OP you are being way to hard on yourself.
You wanted sex but you didn't know how to initiate.
The guy finally broke down your defences.
I'm often in the situation with a woman when we are back her place, we are lying on her bed, kissing passionately and I try to take it further and she keeps saying 'No. Too soon.'
This is just last minute resistance.
Most women get an attack of guilt especially when it is the first time she is having sex with a new guy.
I simply back up a bit and then go that little bit further and she will say 'No' only when I've gone a bit further again.
If I touch her breasts and she slaps my hands a way, I stop and then do it again and she will let me. Then i might put my hands between her legs and she will say no so I will pull back a bit and then do it again.
Eventually a woman will completely surrender.
That way a girl who thought or allowed herself to think we were just going to talk and have friendly cup of tea is going to find herself having with sex without knowing why she allowed herself or knowing why.
Women always moralise about their behaviour when they really wanted sex all along.

Somehow squirming and coercing yourself into some less than eager girls knickers, through some sleazy mix of persistense and more or less begging, doesn't mean you're a stud. It means your an asshole.

Nevyn

jurgenscarl had been banned from this forum and won't be back for a very very long time.
so back on topic please.

Floppybits

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Nonsense, neither i nor any of the men i know like a challenge, if you like someone and want to be with them, either just sexually or a full blown romance, what you want is compatability, not to be chasing some "reward" that's just out of reach, nothing and I mean, absolutely nothing, puts men off faster than this kind of female game playing bulls'hit.
Men are straight forward creatures, most of us like sex, most of us like women who like sex also, no man, or very very few anyway, below the age of 35 or 40 say, would judge a woman they liked for having sex with them on a first date for example, only other women do that. No man want's to meet his dream woman only to find out she's some sort of prude and crap in the sack, we are realists, we realise that if you want to be good at something you have to practice!! Practice makes perfect remember:)

I think there is something missing here but don't know what it is, could be hygiene, could be the guys got scared, could be the OP got clingy, could be a a lot of things.

Guys who just want to have one off sex with someone would not go out on 6 dates or 10 dates and then sleep with the person and not contact them. In fact I would say that if there were 6 to 10 dates then it is more likely the guy would keep in contact with the girl in the hope getting more regular sex and see what happens. I know I would. That's just my opinion though.

I don't think the OP did anything wrong, She went on more than one or two dates got to know the guys. To me there are no rules in this, it is just what ever feel right and if it works out well and good and if it doesn't not biggie plenty of fish in the sea.

Emme

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

You could stop embracing victim status and try and win him over. Faint heart never won fair man.

Almost sounds as if you treat sex as some kind of relationship currency.

I agree. Why not just chill out, admit to yourself that you enjoy sex and get out there and do just that...enjoy it. Don't judge yourself, don't judge the guy, enjoy yourself, life is short. if it leads to something more great, if not then move on.

ash23

Don't have sex with someone if it's only with the intention of moving a relationship on, or because he wants it. Thats how you end up feeling used. Simples.

Have sex when YOU want to have sex. And be aware that it might just be that one night or things might end abruptly. That you can't control what will happen next.

There is no such thing as waiting long enough. I've had relationships which resulted from ONS and also ones where I left the guy waiting months.

The only times I've ever felt crap about sleeping with someone who lost interest afterwards was when I did it for the wrong reasons. Like thinking that I should, being too drunk to make a wise decision or thinking it would become something more, simply because we'd gotten to the next level and I'd slept with him.

I've never felt used when I've been with someone where I wanted to sleep with them and there was no expectations beyond that, be it after one date or after many.

Purple88

I totally understand what you mean about being used. This has happened to me in recent months where i honestly thought the guy really liked me for me, and there definitely was chemistry between us. Fast forward 3 months and he's completely distancing himself from me, due to a 'complicated situation' with his ex. Well from my point of view he should never have brought me onto the scene if that was the case. Lesson learnt - never falling for a guy again who sweet talks me (rant over).

My advice to you is to move on, forget about that ***hole and find someone who is genuine, which tbh is gonna be more difficult to find over guys who just want a fling, but when you do, it'll be totally worth it.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all the posts.

Just to clear a few things up. I'm only human so of course I wanted to sleep with him, and we both really did enjoy it. There were no 'hygiene' issues at play.

I wanted to sleep with him as part of a developing relationship, it would never have happened if I though he was playing games and was going to disappear afterwards. He certainly led me to believe we were heading in that direction, had made plans for this week and asked me to delete my profile from the dating site and said he was going to do the same Blah..Blah...Blah.

Anyway - just found out that he is in fact 'IN' a relationship. She was very conveniently on holidays for the last couple of weeks. And in hindsight, I was meant to be away for the weekend so he had insisted on meeting me on Friday. Nothing happened. Then when I stayed around on Saturday he called over late as he had been babysitting for his sister??? I actually think he was with someone else and left the date to come to me, and he certainly left here on Sunday meeting someone as he said he would hang around at my place till two as he was meeting his mother in town. I wonder how many of us he had lined up for his weekend of flirting while his poor unfortunate girlfriend was out of town???

And to top it off he told me I needed to loose a stone!!! I'm nine stone and very comfortable in my own skin, love my little curves in fact. Anyway - you live and learn. Thanks god it was only a coupld of weeks wasted on him. Thanks for all the posts!

Ickle Magoo

Jeepers! What a charmer. You're well rid OP - onwards and upwards!

Neyite

what an asshole. better off without him. pity his girlfriend.

midlandsmissus

I find it interesting to see alot of men's take on it on here.

Very Mars/Venus.

Going on 6-8 dates, then having sex and being left for dust is NOT uncommon with guys, some men like the challenge and will feed you all kinds of b***** to get you into bed. It has happened to me once.

HOW is it not being used, when a guy completely makes up his personality, completely lies to you that he likes you/ thinks you're special, and then you find out it was all a ruse to get you into bed, and he immediately drops you and you never see him again.

How would you not feel used by this? It's not feeling used at actually having sex, it's feeling used at falling for some-ones lies and liking them, when all along they were just waiting to conquest you and then drop you. This can really f*ck with your head. I remember one guy who spent aes wooing me and I got really close to him, and then I found out he was laughing with his friends at all the c*ap he was telling me. Thank God I didn't sleep with him. But it can really mess you up when the person you thought was nice turns out to be a complete b*lox and an actor.

This is very very hurtful behaviour, men do this alot (even judging by alot of the comments on here - ie 'if I was him I would have stuck around to see if I would have gotten regular sex'), do they never think of how lying and duping a woman is so hurtful?

If a woman told you she really liked you, you fell for her, and then the minute you had sex never saw you again, would you not feel used?

metrovelvet

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I find it interesting to see alot of men's take on it on here.

Very Mars/Venus.

Going on 6-8 dates, then having sex and being left for dust is NOT uncommon with guys, some men like the challenge and will feed you all kinds of b***** to get you into bed. It has happened to me once.

HOW is it not being used, when a guy completely makes up his personality, completely lies to you that he likes you/ thinks you're special, and then you find out it was all a ruse to get you into bed, and he immediately drops you and you never see him again.

How would you not feel used by this? It's not feeling used at actually having sex, it's feeling used at falling for some-ones lies and liking them, when all along they were just waiting to conquest you and then drop you. This can really f*ck with your head. I remember one guy who spent aes wooing me and I got really close to him, and then I found out he was laughing with his friends at all the c*ap he was telling me. Thank God I didn't sleep with him. But it can really mess you up when the person you thought was nice turns out to be a complete b*lox and an actor.

This is very very hurtful behaviour, men do this alot (even judging by alot of the comments on here - ie 'if I was him I would have stuck around to see if I would have gotten regular sex'), do they never think of how lying and duping a woman is so hurtful?

If a woman told you she really liked you, you fell for her, and then the minute you had sex never saw you again, would you not feel used?

What's that saying? 'A woman can fake an orgasm, but only a man can fake a whole relationship?' I forget who said that.

Unfortunately OP, there are people out there who will lie and connive to get things out of you, sex, money, whatever. And that is a violation of personhood.

I dont know the ins and out of what happenned with your dates, so it's hard to draw any certain concusion. Only you know that.

It could be as sinister as what I said or maybe they detected some kind of bedroom incompatibility that they cant be arsed talking about.

Dont let them make you feel bad. They aren't worth it.

HavingCrack

6 dates isn't a particularly short time to wait before having sex but I do think its kind of odd that he'd eff off on you then .

Ah well as they say OP 'there's nowt as queer as folk' (not meant in a gay way). Chin up and move on.

sbsquarepants

He has a profile on some dating site (which presumably is viewable to all and sundry?), while in a relationship! His wife/girlfriend goes on holidays and he squeezes in 6 dates with one woman from this site, and at least a one night stand with another from god knows where.
This man has to be 2 things - Very busy and VERY VERY stupid!
Also, telling a 9 stone woman she needs to loose a stone?? WTF!!
Gob****e of the highest order!

AnonoBoy

How did you find out he was in a relationship?

cinderella2010

I have heard guys talk and silly things like an ungroomed muff or over confidence in the sack is a problem - it needs to be kept sweet at first not dirty or kinky - I know what a load of bullolgy but men can be shallow as can women