GF left me to have affair with another woman after ten years

LegacyUser

This is a very long and complicated story, but the long and short of it is that my partner of ten years left me for another woman. We have been together since college, and had planned marriage and kids. This has come out of the blue.

She said that she isn't a lesbian, and has never been attracted to any other woman before, but she met this woman recently and was completely attracted to her. Since then they have slept together a number of times. My partner says that she doesn't want a relationship with her, but has to explore this issue (bi or not) and wants space to do so (a min of six months). We can't tell our friends or families the real reason for our break up, till she knows what she wants (hence I'm here).

Taking this at face value, I can understand her need sort out her head, but on the other hand I feel that this is incredibly selfish and self centered. We are all attracted to others when in a relationship, but don't act on it. She says she still loves me and is attracted to me as always.

On a personal level my whole world has imploded. My future has evaporated, I lost her family whom I love, I feel utterly betrayed and my heart is breaking. I've agreed to give her the space, because I see no other option at the moment. None of this makes any sense.

If she was having an affair with a man I'd want him dead, and I would never want to see her again. But having sex with a woman doesn't bother me as much, and I think I can get over it, though I hate the woman in question. I am devastated though that my now ex might have feelings for this person, no matter how transient they may be, and more importantly that she is willing to walk out on me and everything we have/had.

Is it possible for a straight woman to discover bi-sexuality relatively late (early 30s)?
Am I being played?
Can/Should I take her back if she figures out it's not for her?
I've so much **** running though my mind right now I don't know what to ask. Can any bi/lesbians throw any light on this? Or anybody for that matter.
Am I being a fool, to hope that this is an experiment/phase and that we will (with a lot of counseling) get over this in a few months?
If not, how can I start my life over?????

Sorry this is so long

Is it possible for a straight woman to discover bi-sexuality relatively late (early 30s)? Yes.

Am I being played? Maybe.

Can/Should I take her back if she figures out it's not for her? No, not after six months. She either loves you or she doesn't.

Am I being a fool, to hope that this is an experiment/phase and that we will (with a lot of counseling) get over this in a few months? No. But she shouldn't put you through this.

If not, how can I start my life over????? Not that hard, not the end of the world, start going out with your mates clubbing and you'll meet up with someone again.

I myself wouldn't wait 6 months, i'd give her a month maybe 2.

Why put yourself through 6 months, could be like hell thinking will she come back etc. For her only to say "sorry, i'm leaving you".

She has been with you for so long, you'd think she respects you enough not to mess you around.

muboop1

I could never treat someone I loved as heartlessy as she is treating you. It doesn't matter whether a man or woman, she is having an intimate and sexual relationship with another and expecting you to just sit on the side lines and wait???

Walk away... She would not wait while you engage in a similar relationship with a "mate" of yours, male or female. That it's a girl is irrelevant.

Also, requesting you keep it a secret for her? Tell her to **** right off. She is your ex or you are her door mat... End of...

I apologise if I am blunt and honestly wish you the best in this troubling time.

LegacyUser

Sexuality is very complex and it could be your gf has always been attracted to women but was able to suppress it until now. Or alternatively it is something she has only recently started to feel. Irrespective, it is how she feels now and so strongly she has walked away from your relationship to explore her attraction to women.

Firstly, don't feel played or bad because she was honest with you, which in these circumstances is best, especially if she ultimately decides she is solely attracted to women. This has nothing to do with any shortcomings on your behalf so don't feel bad but be grateful she was so honest with you. This doesn't mean you are a doormat though.

Do you agree to the conditions she has laid down because it seems like it is the only option? Six months is a short time, especially for a couple that has been together as long as you two have. If you aren't comfortable with this, break up with her. It would seem to me that this break would be good for both of you. Also, you would be taking time off for yourself anyway so six months is a short time.

Remember, there are lots of single women out there who want what you want so if you want to meet someone, get married, have children, etc you will. If this woman means so much to her, maybe it just might be worth waiting. If she does decide she wants to be with you but wants to occasionally be with a woman or maybe incorporate an occasional female third party into the bedroom, will you be okay with this? The reason I ask is this probably isn't just a phase or passing notion. It could be but to stake your whole relationship on exploring something temporary seems unlikely.

Finding out someone you love and are in a relationship with is interested in same-sex relationships when you two aren't in one is tough. I've been there and it is not funny like a tv sitcom. It is devastating and erodes your self confidence as well as your ability to trust. There will probably be someone who will tell you you're lucky if she comes back and wants to have another woman in the bedroom on occasion but it takes a lot of self confidence to allow this, especially when the relationship almost ended due to her wanting to explore her sexuality.

I wish you the best and hope this works out for you.

Boskowski

I agree. Whether this is a homosexual relationship or not shouldn't really make a difference for you. You say it does and I think I know what you mean but in broad daylight there really is no difference. If she decides to leave for good the relationship will be just as over and you'll be as just as lonely and betrayed. Also. Ask yourself if she had a crush on a man and wanted a break to 'explore' whether this was serious or not would you consider the relationship over or would you just sit and wait?

I mean I'm not slating her. People fall in love and relationships end and new ones begin. Sh1t happens. At least she seemed to come clean and didn't 'explore' behind your back but I don't think she deserves special treatment only because she's 'exploring' another woman instead of a man.

The Corinthian

walking cliche wrote: »

This is a very long and complicated story, but the long and short of it is that my partner of ten years left me for another woman.

I recommend you get some legal advice ASAP.

As she was your partner for ten years, presumably living with you for at least five, this means that she is now entitled to the same rights to assets and maintenance as a spouse, under legislation that was passed recently. As such, it is now law and she may well qualify - or for that matter, so might you.

Were either of you financially dependent on the other? Do either of you own property?

LegacyUser

I don't think a Commencement Order has been made by the Minister yet, has it? The Civil Partnership bill has passed but I do not think has yet commenced. Irrespective, The Corintian has a good point regarding any joint property you may own.

The Corinthian wrote: »

I recommend you get some legal advice ASAP.

As she was your partner for ten years, presumably living with you for at least five, this means that she is now entitled to the same rights to assets and maintenance as a spouse, under legislation that was passed recently. As such, it is now law and she may well qualify - or for that matter, so might you.

Were either of you financially dependent on the other? Do either of you own property?

LegacyUser

Thanks, but there are no outstanding legal issues. I could explain more but it may compromise my identity.

This is head f**k territory only!

Blackdrag

Your actually thinking about waiting 6 months whilst she sleeps with someone else? Regardless is she’s sleeping with a man or woman it’s a affair clear cut.

Id say she’s asked you to wait in case it goes wrong, your a fall back option my friend, don’t be used go out enjoy yourself.

Moomoo1

incidentally, why did you wait for 10 years before getting married?

I also don't think you should be keeping this a secret.

astra2000

This is so unfair I can not believe your girlfriendexpects you to wait around for 6 months while she sorts herself out. You need to forget about the fact that it is a woman she has fallen for and see the bigger picture, she has been unfaithful to you and now she is trying to hedge her bets by asking you to wait while she decides what she will do. I doubt you will ever be able to trust her again.

mikemac

Do you own a house together?
Might be worth getting legal advice when you split

Waiting six months for this to sort itself out is unacceptable realy

LegacyUser

Genuine thanks to all who've posted.

That said, I am looking for insight, and suggestions of the non-kneejerk variety. I have to understand this before I can decide anything. The "dump her and get on with it" philosophy, though valid, isn't sophisticated enough right now for all the **** that's going through my head. Thanks though

hope this assists wrote: »

Sexuality is very complex and it could be your gf has always been attracted to women but was able to suppress it until now. Or alternatively it is something she has only recently started to feel. Irrespective, it is how she feels now and so strongly she has walked away from your relationship to explore her attraction to women.

Firstly, don't feel played or bad because she was honest with you, which in these circumstances is best, especially if she ultimately decides she is solely attracted to women. This has nothing to do with any shortcomings on your behalf so don't feel bad but be grateful she was so honest with you. This doesn't mean you are a doormat though.

Thanks for the post. One of the things that's confusing me is that she says that she isn't "physically" attracted to her, and isn't attracted to other women. She says she is completely attracted to the "person" and just "wanted her" when she saw her. I told her that if it was just sex then we could accommodate that ourselves, but she's not interested in other women or sex with women. She just "wants" this one, in a completely sexual way - she sounds like a bloke, and as a bloke I can understand the concept of meaningless sex. She's confused, I'm confused.... If this evolves into a relationship then it is definitely curtains, but if she remains a glorified sex toy........??????

She did say that if she had this attraction to a man she would have never entertained it and worked on us, but because this is a woman she had to figure it out. Some of me can understand this and half cannot. She's in the initial euphoria of a new sexual experience, but what happens when that wears off in a short while??

Does any of this make any sense to anybody??

dellas1979

Um she is walking all over you mate.

So to speak, having her cake and eating it.

She wants to be with someone else for at least 6 months, with you waiting in the wings incase it doesnt work out. Perfect situation for her and clever lady for you to even consider this madness.

Denerick

I'll be blunt here - what a bítch. Tell her to get stuffed. Its irrelevant if she has just discovered another element to her sexuality or not. It is simply not right for somebody to come up to you and say - 'I'm going to have sex with another person for 6 months. I'll come back to you then. Oh, and don't tell anyone pretty please'.

If this was me I'd be writing a letter into the Daily Mail, along with pictures and everything else. There is only one word that conveys how poorly behaved she is being - despicable.

Moomoo1

walking cliche wrote: »

Genuine thanks to all who've posted.

That said, I am looking for insight, and suggestions of the non-kneejerk variety. I have to understand this before I can decide anything. The "dump her and get on with it" philosophy, though valid, isn't sophisticated enough right now for all the **** that's going through my head. Thanks though



Thanks for the post. One of the things that's confusing me is that she says that she isn't "physically" attracted to her, and isn't attracted to other women. She says she is completely attracted to the "person" and just "wanted her" when she saw her. I told her that if it was just sex then we could accommodate that ourselves, but she's not interested in other women or sex with women. She just "wants" this one, in a completely sexual way - she sounds like a bloke, and as a bloke I can understand the concept of meaningless sex. She's confused, I'm confused.... If this evolves into a relationship then it is definitely curtains, but if she remains a glorified sex toy........??????

She did say that if she had this attraction to a man she would have never entertained it and worked on us, but because this is a woman she had to figure it out. Some of me can understand this and half cannot. She's in the initial euphoria of a new sexual experience, but what happens when that wears off in a short while??

Does any of this make any sense to anybody??

bottom line is though, she wants to leave you (even if it's for 6 months). If she said 'we'll keep living together but I'll see this woman from time to time, that's one thing. But she left, and that fact is more important than all the other issues (although of course the circumstances are important also).

LegacyUser

walking cliche wrote: »

Genuine thanks to all who've posted.

That said, I am looking for insight, and suggestions of the non-kneejerk variety. I have to understand this before I can decide anything. The "dump her and get on with it" philosophy, though valid, isn't sophisticated enough right now for all the **** that's going through my head. Thanks though



Thanks for the post. One of the things that's confusing me is that she says that she isn't "physically" attracted to her, and isn't attracted to other women. She says she is completely attracted to the "person" and just "wanted her" when she saw her. I told her that if it was just sex then we could accommodate that ourselves, but she's not interested in other women or sex with women. She just "wants" this one, in a completely sexual way - she sounds like a bloke, and as a bloke I can understand the concept of meaningless sex. She's confused, I'm confused.... If this evolves into a relationship then it is definitely curtains, but if she remains a glorified sex toy........??????

She did say that if she had this attraction to a man she would have never entertained it and worked on us, but because this is a woman she had to figure it out. Some of me can understand this and half cannot. She's in the initial euphoria of a new sexual experience, but what happens when that wears off in a short while??

Does any of this make any sense to anybody??

I think she is a lesbian and in denial to be rather blunt about it. To make it much more complicated as she is probably stems from her own homophobia. It sounds like she is trying to make her attraction to this woman much deeper and complex than it is. Every day we all meet people we could potentially be having a sexual relationship with but very rarely do we feel that attraction that makes us then take steps to procure it. She has and continues to do this with this woman.

Only you know your relationship and your own self so people here can sort of throw out their own point of views but it is ultimately up to you how you sort this practically and mentally. Reflect carefully on all this and don't be rash. You clearly want to accommodate her and aside from this you don't mention any other problems with your relationship. Maybe if you both want to you can find a way to work though this but don't agree strictly to her terms. If she is unable to think of your feelings at all, then ending the relationship might be the only solution, unless you're happy with such an arrangement.

Please take care and be comfortable with your decision because it's your life.

Sound Bite

OP, I'm reading this thread in shock. Not at her actions but at your response. How naive and leniant can you be?

It appears to me that you are looking for reasons to justify and excuse her behaviour. Are you hoping that someone will link or post something that explains her selfish behaviour away?

First of all, she wants someone else. It doesn't matter if your straight, lesbian, gay, bi or anything else? Is doesn't matter if it's with a man or a woman?

I'm sorry if this is blunt but she has left you for someone else, wants to see if she enjoys that more, but wants to keep you in reserve just in case things don't work out.

Talk about having your cake and eating it.

Would you be happy to allow her take a six month break from your relationship to experiment with another man to see if she preferred him to you? I somehow doubt, I'd imagine you'd have more respect for yourself and tell her to take a hike. Somehow, you appear to think that because she's experimenting with a woman, this makes her behaviour more acceptable, less dispectful, or that she had less control over her actions.

After 10 months, not to mind 10 years, you would deserve to be treated better than this. It's bad enough treating you this way, but her audacity in asking you to stick around while she makes up her mind is unbelievably selfish.

If you don't like the answers here, it might be worth posting in the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender forum but I suspect her selfish behaviour will be recognised for what it is over there also.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

katie99

May I ask why you never married having been together since college?
Is this your first relationship?
Ten years is a very long time without getting married.

It is possible your gf has feelings for other women and now she wants to experiment. Lots do.

She's exploring her sexuality, fancies another girl. Let them at it.

In the meantime I would tell her you are going to lead your life your way and you will not wait 6 months for her to give you an answer. Give her two months. And tell her you will be seeking other girls.

Take control of your situation. Do not allow yourself be dictated to by her.
You set the parameters within which she must operate.

I know of other girls who had bi feelings and wanted to explore them. It may be a phase your gf is going through but don't be a doormat yourself.

Sound Bite

Hi OP, me again, just notice you had posted in the LGBT forum already.

I was hoping for your sake (although knew it was very unlikely) that you might get responses there more like what you were looking for.

This is a break-up and calling it an experiment or anything else is only glossing over the truth of the matter.

Who knows what the future holds, but right now you need to look after you. Do what's best for you, and her feeling should take a back seat. Clearly she hasn't had much regard for yours lately.

For what its worth, you sound like a lovely guy and there are plenty more women that would be happy to have you and treat you with the respect you deserve.

LegacyUser

Thanks so all the posts so far.

I have a lot of decisions to make. For the record, I am not some wallflower or doormat, beholden to her spell, but I have been in love with her for ten years, and you can't just switch that off after 24hrs. What ever decision I make, I will have to live with, and I am not going to rush in to anything without learning as much as I can first.

Can any of you throw any light as to what she is going through?

She says she isn't lesbian, but is having sex with a woman.
She's not sure if she's bi, but she fifteen to twenty years after her sexual awakening I would have thought.
Is it possible for a straight woman to have a lesbian affair without being lesbian or bi??
Is it possible for a young butch lesbian to enthrall a straight girl for a fling without her having some lesbian tendencies??

Seriously though, thanks for the help and support:)

trio

Look at Cynthia Nixon. She was married to a guy all her adult life - had been with him since she was v. young and had two kids. She never had any relationship with any woman. They ended up splitting up - though she never cheated on him like your girlfriend did, so it's not exactly the same.

Then she met a woman (a very butch one, by the way since you were asking about that) and that was that. They've been together 6 years now and are very content. She has said that she can't really explain it either. She did a good interview with the Advocate about it which you can google.

“If anybody, prior to my meeting and falling in love with Christine, had asked me about what I think about sexuality, I would have said I think we’re all bisexual. But I had that point of view without ever having felt attracted to a woman. I had never met a woman I was attracted to [before Christine]. And maybe if I’d met her when I was 20, I would have fallen in love and only dated women. But maybe if I’d met her at 20, I wouldn’t have responded at all. Who knows?

I understand your need to analyse to death her sexuality, (which she herself probably doesn't understand, so good luck with that!). But it is leading you to turn away from the brutal fact of what she's done.

I worry you're using it as a distraction from the unpalatable truth.

She's left you, has no interest in having a relationship or sharing her life with you at the moment, but wants to keep you as a nice unthreatening safety net in reserve. It's rather horrible. She may not be admitting to herself how unfair it truly is - she probably thinks it's she's being nice to you in giving you this hope. She's not used to being single - if it fails with this person, then better decent, dependable, reliable you than no-one at all! She's still very fond of you and knows you love her - if it doesn't work out she might even be able to go back to your old routine!

And if it works out with this person and you get upset? Well.......she'll just cross that bridge when she comes to it, won't she?

But it's not nice at all, is it?

This is not a problem about sexuality, you see. It's a problem about being dumped by someone who is too nervous to let you be totally free from them in case their new infatuation doesn't work out. It's an old tale - you just want to believe it's something else - something more modern. But it's not, I'm afraid.

Taltos

Your girlfriend or cheating other half is either: Bi or Lesbian.
You are: being taken for a feckin ride mate.

Sorry to be blunt but this -
> I cannot tell anyone....
> I have to wait SIX months - that is like 180 days give or take
> telling me to dump her is unsophisticated - really? what type of sophisticated answer are you hoping for here?

Do you really think in 6 mths she is going to come back running to you telling you that she was so wrong. That all she needs is a big strong man - oh and that might be you??? Will you ever be able to just relax when she meets someone else without being terrified - "What if this person has that same power/magnetism and when I go to the loo she is going to jump all over them????"

Here's the thing. She is being unfaithful.
Get this man / woman malarky out of your head.
The woman you profess to love - is doing or being done by another person who just happens to be of the same sex.
This woman you planned to have children with some day clearly (and don't lie to yourself) respects what you both have so much that she is wiling to throw it away. Based on your replies it would appear that she is hoping your will rationalise your way around her cheating as NOT being cheating as how could she be having sex with another woman...

OP - just stop lying to yourself.
Open your eyes and see what is really going on.
Right now I am thinking you are in shock. Find a friend or family member you can talk to and just let it all out.

You might feel like you owe her so much - but keeping this quiet will just destroy you.

Wagon

walking cliche wrote: »

Thanks for the post. One of the things that's confusing me is that she says that she isn't "physically" attracted to her, and isn't attracted to other women. She says she is completely attracted to the "person" and just "wanted her" when she saw her. I told her that if it was just sex then we could accommodate that ourselves, but she's not interested in other women or sex with women. She just "wants" this one, in a completely sexual way - she sounds like a bloke,

No she doesn't, she sounds like a dopey, bimbo bitch. None of what she told you makes any logical sense at all. Absolutely none.

the fact of the matter is she is attracted to this woman. Sexually. and in other ways. That's why she left you. Like everyone said, the fact it's a woman is irrelevent.

don't wait 6 months. Youve been together for 10 years. You don't just turn to the person you love and tell them to wait around while you go and shag someone else to work out "how you feel". Course you don't do that, and you know that too.

10 years is a long time, but don't make the mistake of making it longer. None of this is your fault, and it's not your girlfriends fault she has attraction to other women but the way she is going about it is completely out of order. She's treating you like crap :mad:

jurgenscarl

I feel sorry for you but you are your own worst enemy.
She clearly is a self-centered person who is looking after number one.
She has clearly no iota of your feelings nor cares less.
Get this person out of your life for your own sake.
Do not deserve to be treated like this or worse allow yourself to be treated like this.
Tell her for once and for all that she can have her lesbian fling but not you.
Find yourself a woman who loves you and cares for you and put your energy into a relationship which actually has a future.

Most importantly I believe you need to talk to someone about all this - nobody would let this happen to them unless they have serious issues - issues which you really need to talk to a psychological profession about.

If you break up with this woman - she has broken up with you already - you need to do without any bitterness or hatred - shut her out of your life for good and be thankful she took a six month break and you both don't have kids wondering what the hell is going on.

Cian92

This is a strange one, I really can't explain her behaviour but yours is understandable. You are going to have to tell her it is this girl or you.

Your feelings are important. It is going to be difficult, as you said you have been in love with this girl for ten years, but you can't use that as an excuse for being walken on. You are being blinded by your love that you can't see the obvious, sorry.

Pretend that this girl your GF is seeing is actually a male, now reasses the situation, and deal with it accordingly. Good luck.

Stu

The problem with most of the replys is that people are thinking with their head instead of their heart. The OP is in love and 10 years is a long time to just walk away. I always try to put myself in the posters shoes to see if i'd deal with things differently as opposed to being on the outside looking in and in this case i can totally understand the OPs confusion and willingness to take a step back and assess the situation before making any decision he might regret.

OP, you need to sit down with your girlfriend and ask her if there is something missing in your relationship that she is getting from this other girl. There might be an emotional connection between them that is lacking in your relationship. I think your spot on for taking your time with this but you need answers and you need honesty from your girlfriend.

Yes, she is a self centered cow but you love this women and you appear to believe the relationship is worth fighting for but you need to get everything out in the open, leave no stone unturned so you can see the bigger picture and can then decide the best course of action.

Whatever happens, i think you are being very mature about the whole thing and i hope you get the answers you need and maybe even salvage the relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks Stu,

I was begining to doubt myself there for a while. I wonder if the responses would be more measured if I said we were married, or married with kids.

We always had a problem defining our relationship to others.
Girlfriend = teenage puppy love. Partner=middle age divorcee etc etc
Just because we hadn't done the church thing doesn't negate or devalue the realationship we had. It is longer than many of the marriages referenced here with difficulties.

If we had been married I would be looking for a way to see if it possible to recover from the affair (as many couples do) before pulling the plug. Especially so if we had had kids.

I may well walk, I may not.

If I walk, it will be a reasoned decision based on all the circumstances, not principle as many here advocate. If I go it will be forever without regret. I may not get a choice, I may not give her one.

If we were to sort this out, it would have to be under the strictest of conditions, and I can alway walk if I feel they are not being honoured. Either way I want no regrets.

The Corinthian

walking cliche wrote: »

If I walk, it will be a reasoned decision based on all the circumstances, not principle as many here advocate. If I go it will be forever without regret. I may not get a choice, I may not give her one.

If we were to sort this out, it would have to be under the strictest of conditions, and I can alway walk if I feel they are not being honoured. Either way I want no regrets.

That's a good approach, TBH.

On a purely practical level, I presume you are now no longer cohabiting? This is an important point as, other than it being a bad idea that you live together while she's in a relationship with another person, you have to consider the legal implications that may or may not already have commenced. If not and you're still cohabiting, I would recommend one of you moves out quickly.

With regards to her actions and your relationship; the two of you have been together for ten years, since college. As such, she may simply be going through a phase of 'playing the field' and experimentation, which she never did because she was always with you. Alternatively, this could be it and she may have already decided that the two of you are over - the ham-fisted manner in which she's done this might indicate it.

None of this excuses the manner she's treated you, but as you said you want a reasoned rather than principled decision. What it comes down to is if she is just getting something out of her system or if this is simply the start of her turning another leaf.

I would give her space, not only for her to 'get it out of her system' or decide this is what she wants, but also to cover yourself legally. Keep friendly contact and if she decides she wants to get back with you then you can discuss ground rules for the future. If this drags on longer than seven or eight months, then start dating - it doesn't have to be serious, but make sure that she knows you're doing so. Depending upon her reaction, it will become clear if this is a temporary or permanent situation.

Wibbs

Like others have suggested, forget about her sexuality and the sexuality of the other person. For many men it may feel a lot less of a cheating situation with another women involved, but make no mistake it's the same thing. I know this will be hard, but try and step back and imagine this other person was a man. I have a feeling you would be a little less easy going about that.

LegacyUser

I think the reason the OP is focusing on sexuality here is because he hopes that this is just fleeting and once she sees her frolic out she'll return to him. He is thinking (banking on) the hope that it's a phase.

I'm a bi girl and I can tell you OP that it's not. If she was 20 and wanting to explore I would say yes. But given her age and the fact that she left a stable relationship to do this means she's in it for the long haul.

I was in my early 30s when I became curious. While I would identify as bi I would never want a relationship with a woman, even a continuous sexual relationship. I explored but in a casual way. I don't connect with women on a romantic level. I only connect with men in that way. Therefore, I would never leave a partner to be with another woman. When I was in a relationship I discussed my bisexuality with my boyfriend and we agreed it was something we could incorporate into the relationship, i.e explore it together, always. It never meant me going out on my own. It certainly didn't mean me cheating on him or leaving him.

There are varying degrees of bisexuality and given what you've described here, your gf is closer to the gay end of the spectrum. To me, this means she is not going to return to the heterosexual lifestyle, at least not for a long while.

And the fact that she could leave you to do this (as opposed to discussing it with you and INCLUDING you) means she has little respect for you. She can't be in love with you if she did this. That's the bottom line here. If she was in love with you she'd be with you and she'd be wanting your support and involvement.

My advice OP is to move on and find someone who wants you as much as you want them.

LegacyUser

OP, about sexuality, people are not either this or that. Don't be confused with the terms bi, hetero, homo etc.

Many scholars who studied human sexuality would suggest that we all are on a continuum line. Some people are having more tendency to be attracted by the same sex. Some people are by opposite sex. We have tendency and ability to be attracted by and physically aroused by both sex. Sex can be a physical pleassure. If you once allowed yourself to experience the pleassure (from the same sex) and s/he hits the buttons, you rejection to it would be lessened. Love can be 'unisex'. So, sex and love to the same sex is possible for any one if there is no social / moral pressure etc.

I have a friend (guy) who is in a relationship with a woman. He likes men also and did enjoy the sexual contact with men. He wants family and he does not want to put himself in the pressure from society, so he would prefer to be with a woman for his life. And he said tho he likes men, once he is in a relationship with the woman, he would just have sex with her, no other people (unless she is happy with an opened relationship, then he may consider that). If things dont work out, then he would break up with her and then enjoy the single fun with whoever he wants.

I understand you have 10 years investment in your relationship and I agree don't cut it that easily if she is willing to work on this with you. But do recognise that she has betrayed you, no matter it's because of a man or a woman. Cheating with a woman on you does not make it less serious.

Also, I guess because she said she does not want to have relationship with her, so it gives you hope that she would come back after she having fun. Can you let her having fun for six months? Can you have fun yourself too this six months? Is this a relationship you want (break for six months and have fun with others and get back)?

Someone said she is at least honest with you. But well, she should be honest with you once she feels she wants to explore, but not until she has done the deed for a good few times. But maybe she thinks it's with a woman and that makes her feels it's a less serious crime just as you think.

If she cheated on you with a man, what would you do? Break it up? Ask her to stop and work on the relationship together? Have a break both and both go and have some fun with others and then see how things go?

No matter what, asking you to wait (but not allow you to have fun) is not a fair option.

All the best.

sbsquarepants

OP - are you mental?
I wouldn't give her an hour, let alone 6 months.
It makes no difference that this is another woman, would you take her back after 6 months with another bloke?
Dump her, move on, deep down you know thats the right thing to do, though i fully appreciate it is hard after 10 years, but fact is SHE seems to be managing to do it!
Don't let someone take your dignity like that, don't be her safety net there if the grass turns out not to be greener! Either way you'll feel like s'hit, whether she stays away or comes back. This relationship is dead, mourn it for however long it takes and move on with your head held high. It's a kick in the nuts, but you will survive!
Best of luck

LeahK

Hi OP,

Dont know whether this is any use to you or not but your story rang a bell when I read it..

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1296628/Scientists-say-more-women-changing-sexuality-mid-life-Can-really-true-And-whats-emotional-cost.html

Zen65

walking cliche wrote: »

I may well walk, I may not.

If I walk, it will be a reasoned decision based on all the circumstances, not principle as many here advocate. If I go it will be forever without regret. I may not get a choice, I may not give her one.

If we were to sort this out, it would have to be under the strictest of conditions, and I can alway walk if I feel they are not being honoured. Either way I want no regrets.

It seems on the face of it that you have a firm grasp of your own position, and your analysis is more reasonable than many of the posters. Somebody who has not put 10 years of effort into a relationship might find your approach strange, but it is like building a house with your bare hands; if it starts to fall over you will not abandon it unless you know for sure it cannot be repaired. That is how dedication to a cause affects the heart.

I do understand why you see this infidelity as different to a situation to her having an affair with a man. The woman who has left you for this affair is not the same as the woman you shared a decade with, it is the other her who is taking the lead now. Clearly your partner is bisexual, but may not have admitted this to herself up to now. As someone rightly said here already, we are all somewhere between heterosexual and homosexual, and sometimes it surprises us just how near to the centre we are, or have become.

Your partner is exploring whether this is the real her or not. Whether this new woman she may have become can be happier than the woman who ran her life for the last 10 years. You have given her the freedom to examine this, and maybe, if she realises this lifestyle is not really going to make her happy, she might return to you with a greater love and admiration for your strength and patience for allowing her to find out who she really is.

I would not expect this to be the outcome, though. I believe that in breaking a 10-year relationship to embrace this other relationship your partner has already evaluated the situation, a little, and thinks there may be a greater happiness with this woman. Unfortunately in 6 months the excitement may still be high, and she may not be ready to end it. In 2 or 3 years she may think she has made a mistake, and by then you will have moved on.

Yes, your life has been messed about. Yes, you have shown determination above the ordinary by the approach you have taken. Yes it will all work out, one way or another, and to that end you should prepare yourself for the possibility that you will move on to another relationship. Find social outlets that may help you in this regard; make new friends or take up a new hobby. Don't spend 6 months just watching the drama unfold.


Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

Thanks Leah
Thanks Zen

Can't give thanks the normal way as I am posting anon

Just had a brief conversation with my ex, and her levels self absorption are off the scale even by her standards. She was a great person, now I wonder where that person is gone.:(



WC

hightower1

OP I feel for you man, it must be an absolute trainwreck of emotions your in!

In short though think of this from her point of view....

If you for instance were attracted to a man, slept with him, got gratification from it and liked it (just hypotetically) could you then turn to herself and ask for 6 months to continue with this sexual gratification and keep her in reserve?

I would imagine your response now is "no way in hell" .... and there is your answer to all this and her. She is unfaithful to you and that is that. Its is very very hard to admit when this is the case wether it involves same sex or not.

You will always try to find and grasp at straws for ways that "they didnt mean it" or "we can work it out" but thats all this is now. You need to accept that this has happened, you have been betrayed and THEN you can start to settle your head a bit. (not move on but just get some peace first)

Head held high bro, its tough like no other but I am sure you will be wiser for it.

LegacyUser

Op I feel for you. I agree with some of the other posters re: a continuum of sexuality and it absolutely does not matter if she's left you for a woman or a man. She's left you for another person. I'm not one for labels and whether she wants to label herself or not is her business, but the fact remains she's involved with a woman, it may be something she just wants to briefly explore, it may be a part of her she wishes to continue exploring. Nobody can know that except her.

She obviously feels something very strong for this woman, she must because telling you about it and actively exploring those feelings....it's would be a big decision to make for anybody.

That she's holding you in the balance, waiting for her to decide if she wants this woman for keeps is horrible behaviour and no matter how confused she is about what she wants it's no way to treat a partner of 10 years. Trust is the basis of any relationship and will be missing if she comes back to you after 6 months... and it's a hard thing to re-build if it has been lost.

S23

This is genuinely one of the most shocking posts I've read on here. I feel for you. Really I do. I can only imagine what kind of headf*ck this is for you.

The way she is treating you is absolutely shocking. I understand you don't want to just bolt after a 10 year realtionship with a person you love(d). You seem to have a decent grip of where you stand and I get that emotions play a big part in that.

However, I'd just echo what others have already stated. She left you and nothing changes that fact. Man, woman, straight, bi, lesbian, whatever. She left your 10 year relationship to be with someone else. Also the 6 month thing is ridiculous. To expect you to be emotionally on hold and waiting judgement or the outcome of this is unreal. I know you love her but her selfishness is way off the charts.

And this bull**** of keeping secrets for her. Shes an adult and as such is responsible for her actions. If someone asks you what happend you certainly don't have to divulge any information if you don't want to but I would certainly urge you not to lie on her behalf. Don't get drawn into the gameplaying she has instigated. If she can't live with or face up to the whats shes doing its her own hard luck. Don't get involved in it.

Anyway, you seem to be pretty level headed and grounded and I'm hopeful you'll straighten your head out and tell her to go and take a running jump. She doesn't sound a very pleasant person. Masking her behaviour behind the excuse of 'exploring' or needing to find herslf is bulls*it. Shes using your kind nature and the fact you are in love with her to string you along.

I hope you sort your head out and get through this as soon as humanly possible. You're still young and theres plenty of time to bounce back and have a healthy long term relationship with someone else. Just don't expect to feel better about it overnight

astra2000

walking cliche wrote: »

Just had a brief conversation with my ex, and her levels self absorption are off the scale even by her standards. She was a great person, now I wonder where that person is gone.:(



WC

OP I feel really sorry for you this is a horrible position for you to be put in. Is it possible your gf is enjoying the drama of all this i.e two people in love with her and she does not know whom to choose. It does sound as if she is hedging her bets and not treating either you or the other lady with respect it is all about her.You need to take a step back from her and give yourself space. I urge you to think of the long term implications should she decide its you she wants. Would you ever truly be able to trust her even if you could forgive? If all of this behaviour is out of caracter would it give you cause to wonder what else she could be capable of doing in the future? Its great that you are so willing to work on your relationship but the sad fact is that your girlfriend has decided that pursuing her feelings for this girl is more important than the relationship you two have. OP I think you sound like a really great guy and you deserve better than this. It is so hard on you not only are you faced with losing your gf but all the plans ye had made marriage and kids but please dont think that if you cant have them with your gf you will never have them, you are young and have plenty of time to move on or sort out your relationship . I am just wondering and I am probably wrong but has your girlfriend been taking any drugs/ steroids or antidepressants recently that may have causes a change in her personality? And by this I do not mean the fact that she is having a relationship with someone of the same sex, I mean the fact that she appears to have had a drastic change in personality. best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks Astra,

Pressures of job, and at a crossroads with a few things, but no drugs, head injuries etc etc

WesternNight

Moomoo1 wrote: »

incidentally, why did you wait for 10 years before getting married?

katie99 wrote: »

May I ask why you never married having been together since college?
Is this your first relationship?
Ten years is a very long time without getting married.

For a variety of reasons, not everyone wants to get married. Doesn't mean they can't have life-long relationships though. It doesn't mean there's anything *wrong* with the relationship, necessarily.

OP, it sounds like you're better off without her at this stage if she's changing as a person as well as everything else.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks WesternNight