Miscarriage

LegacyUser

I can't find a miscarriage thread here - perhaps it's in health? But I have a healthy child, and often come to parenting, so that's why I'm posting here. Mods, is there a miscarriage section? Apologies if I've missed it, but it's not easy to find.

I had a miscarriage in january and my baby would have been due next week. She wasn't planned - I was in shock for a day, but I very rapidly came around to it. I was longing for her (had myself convinced she was a girl). I was 11 weeks and although the whole pregnancy was so wrong for me, at this point in my life, I was so happy. I didn't lose her naturally, and had to have a d&c after no heartbeat in a routine scan.
So my best friend got pregnant around the same time. And no one has mentioned my miscarriage in months. I've received counselling and I'm doing well, but it's like no one else has acknowledged the fact that my baby would have been due next week, the same as my friends. She has so much positivity around her and no one has once said to me, how are you feeling. My ex is not involved now, so is not in the picture.
I don't really know how I'm feeling. I'm annoyed that no one has remembered my baby, except me, and yet, I know I may not have coped if I'd had her, which is very hard for me to say. But I was so happy. I really wanted her.
I'm sure this is common enough in miscarriage and I'm just not sure how to cope. Thanks

Nevyn

Hi there isn't a miscarriage section there is a thread on miscarriage in the trying to conceive forum or there is a bereavement forum as part of the Personal Issue forum.
If you wish the thread to be moved to either then just let us know.

Miscarriage is still so much of a taboo and often people won't bring it up as to not upset the person effected by it. Some people mark such occasions other's don't' wanting to forget it ever happened.

It's not that long ago that someone would miscarry and it would never be mentioned at all, it could be that they don't know what to say to you or if it's a good thing to say anything to you rather then being callous.

It's ok to have conflicting emotions about it as well, how people are around you and how you feel about what happened and the what ifs.

If you think that talking to someone about the miscarriage and all that went on for you
during it and after then please for your emotional well being do so.

http://www.miscarriage.ie/Your%20Emotions.html

Some emotions experienced
following Miscarriage

Your Emotions


* Anger – Why me? Other women succeed effortlessly to have babies, what happens to you seems completely unfair.
* Disappointment, your hopes and excitement are crushed.
* There is often a reaction of pity from outsiders, which you may dislike.
* Guilt, had I neglected nutrition or rest ? Had I been too anxious ? etc.
* The difference between a woman who has had one miscarriage, to those who have had more, is the timing and intensity. Physical fear is part of every woman's experience.
* Feeling sad or depressed for weeks or even months after a miscarriage seems to be the norm. Many women say they were unable to get over their feelings of sadness until they were pregnant again. When we miscarry, our body hormonal balance changes as abruptly as they do after childbirth. Hence we are subject to as much chemically induced emotional disorder with none of the usual rewards. There is no baby, no happy visitors showering us with gifts and attention, no approval, no fun.
* Many women experience guilt and become detectives, continuing to look back for months after they have miscarried, looking for some probable cause in their own behaviour, just prior to the miscarriage. Some blame the doctors, feeling they could have done more.
* Many women after discussing their miscarriage with outsiders, made themselves feel guiltier.
* There comes a sense of relief period, that you have come out of it alive and that you can try again. But don't be surprised if after a period of relief you find yourself once again depressed, angry or sad.
* For some, the period of adjustment goes on for many years, whilst for others it is much shorter. There is no right or wrong interval, after which you adjust to your emotional feelings. All of us are different. About the best you can do is to be open to your needs and the needs of those close to you. If you need outside help, seek it openly.

Fittle

Thanks for that Thaed. I think the bereavement section would be most appropriate, as trying to conceive is not something I'll be doing again. I've done the counselling, and been in touch with miscarriage.ie, all of which have been a great support. My issue at the moment is mainly the fact that no one else remembers, or has mentioned my due date...even though I had a huge amount of support at the time. And I'm not sure if I should remind them....I just feel like I need to talk about it again, and yet don't feel like I need to go back to the counsellor in the maternity hospital (which is right beside the newborn ward btw:rolleyes:)
Thanks

CathyMoran

I miscarried in January 2009 to a much wanted baby, we were devestated, it did not help that my sister in law announced that she was pregnant in April, just after I had experieinced another miscarriage...in late July last year we concieved our son who will be 4 months old on Monday but last August when my baby was due I went on a holiday to Belfast, it made sence...for me going to shops was hard as there seemed to be pregnant women everywhere...it still hurts but I am very greatful for my son, even if I am very protective. OP I am so sorry for your loss.

Nevyn

You don't have to go back to that counsellor, there are other ones who deal in breavement and miscarriage.

Fittle

I am just amazed that no one has mentioned it. There were about six weeks when there was myself, and two friends pregnant, all due in August. One of them has had her baby, the other one is due next week.
When I lost my baby, friends were so good to me, I couldn't have asked for better support. And we all talked about august being the 'baby boom' amongst us.
And not one person has asked how I'm feeling....they coudln't possibly have forgotten. And yet, I don't think it's appropriate that I remind them.
I'm not sure if they are afraid to say something, or don't know what to say to me. I wish they'd say something though.

Novella

I had a miscarriage in 2007. It's insane how quickly time goes by. I still feel like it's something that only happened recently. In the beginning, I mean in the weeks afterwards, I got a lot of support from my boyfriend (at the time) and from the few friends I'd told, but I suppose after that they thought it was over. Not that it didn't matter anymore, but maybe just that I felt better about it and had moved on. Maybe no one mentioned it 'cause they were afraid of upsetting me?

I still think about it all the time though. Every year since, on the date I miscarried, I've remembered. I kind of expected others to remember too, but they didn't. My due date, no one remembered that either.

I don't think people forget to be mean, they just have other things going on in their lives. I suppose because my pregnancy was unplanned, people presumed a miscarriage would be easy to move on from. And it just wasn't.

It's hard to forget the death of a person who has been around for years, but with a miscarriage, the pain really only affects you, I think. That was your baby, and your hopes and your future and then it's all just gone and you're supposed to suddenly do what? Go back to how things were before?

It's hard to know the right words to say at times as well, so sometimes people say nothing out of fear of saying something wrong. I know how hard it is to think that you're the only one who remembers though, and who cares.

Fittle

My pregnancy was also unplanned and my friends also think (I think) that I'm far better off without a young child. A brother of mine even told me 'Ah sure you're better off having lost it':rolleyes:

I think you're right, and they have forgotten it, because life has moved on for all of us. I still don't think it's fair though.:(

Novella

Fittle wrote: »

My pregnancy was also unplanned and my friends also think (I think) that I'm far better off without a young child. A brother of mine even told me 'Ah sure you're better off having lost it':rolleyes:

I think you're right, and they have forgotten it, because life has moved on for all of us. I still don't think it's fair though.:(

A doctor actually said something along those lines to me when I was in hospital. People can be really cold.

It's not fair, it really isn't but I think it's desperately hard to understand the circumstance until you've been in it. While having a miscarriage was obviously hugely upsetting for you, it's just difficult for friends to ever be able to relate to the enormity, having not been in the situation.

Having a miscarriage is traumatising. For me anyway, I started to wonder had I done something wrong, I felt horribly guilty, I thought that maybe I'd never be able to have a baby. There is just so much to deal with and it's so overwhelming, and then add hormones into the equation.

I'm sure your friends haven't forgotten in a cruel way, they probably just don't realise how much this has affected you. If you want to talk about it with them, you should. Often you can't expect people to just 'get it', you need to explain to them how you feel and stuff.

Anyway, I'm always here if you need a chat, and many more posters have experienced miscarriages too. I think there is a thread in Trying to Conceive, so you're not alone, and other people do know how you feel.

Fittle

Thanks Novella.

I almost think I've talked enough to my friends about it though - if that makes sense. They really were very good to me at the time and there were many times when I said 'Right, I'm fine now, you can stop asking...' So I kind of feel I'd be almost burdening them again with it.

Even in the maternity hospital, I found I wasn't treated very well. I was in a ward with 4 women, all of whom were having various gyny issues - I was the only one having a d&c due to no heartbeat being found on my first (and only) scan. And of course, the recent scandal surrounding these scans, haven't helped. I found the counsellor was great, but her door was right at the '6 wk check-up' department, which I found very upsetting. She spoke about asking the 'powers that be' to move her office many times, as there were many women who found it very distressing coming to her, and having to walk through a room full of newborns (even women who'd had still births, or early deaths etc), but there was nowhere to put her office at that time.

Anyway, thanks again for reply xx

thegoodgirl

HI there,

I'm very sorry to hear your stories. It's such an awful thing for any women to go through.

My sister in law just had a miscarraige yesterday. We didn't know she was pregnant, she was only 9 weeks.
I have no idea what to say to her. She is devestated and so is her partner. I tried to comfort her but think I failed miserably.

She hasn't told the whole family just a few of us know, She hasn't een told her own sister so I feel I should be there for her but I don't know how too.

Do you have any advice for me on what I could do. I know there's no quick fix and that there's nothing I can do to stop her hurting. I don't know anyone else who has had a miscarraige before so this is new teratory for me and also her.

dublingal80

i had an unplanned pregnancy last year. was a complete and utter shock to me as I cant get pregnant due to the medication i am on can cause severe feotal abormality. so myself and my boyfriend at the time were like, what do we do!?!? And then about a week later, the decision was taken out of my hands and I miscarried, which i know myself was the best thing to happen for me. I got pregnant just after my dad had passed away and a month after i miscarried my ex's dad passed away, so it would have been a very difficult and scary pregnancy hoping the baby would be ok, wondering what the abnormality would be, if it would survive birth etc

My baby would have been born any day now and i thoguht i was strange the fact that i remembered and wondering how i would have been. my life would have been 100% different. obviosuly having a baby but also a few months ago my ex broke up with me for no reason pretty much, and has already started seeing someone who he has known for years who has a baby. If my baby was healthy and if we were able to keep her and if we had her now, i know in my heart that myself and himself would still be togehter and always would.

But I take everything what happened as my dad looking down over me, and it just wasnt meant to happen

None of my friends ask me about it, or how im doing or when he/she would have been born. the 1 and only time a friend brought it up was to find out my symptoms of when i miscarried as she thought her sister was... wasnt nice to relive it.

But when the time is right i will have my baby

Skadi

Sorry to hear about your losses. I had a stillbirth at just over 23 weeks and it is so hard now that I am trying to get pregnant again. You feel like you have gotten over it and I have even told friends that I am doing okay. And then some days you wake up and you can't stop crying.

As regards to family and friends, a lot of them just don't know what to say and don't want to upset you if are having a good day. I was lucky and had a sister (who is also a good friend) who offered to tell others what happened. It was strange meeting people and they didn't even mention it. But then they didn't know what to say especially as they never went through it, i would often get messages back from them through my sister rather than to me directly. It probably didn't help them that at the begining I just wanted to time alone to grieve and told my sister, mother and mother-in-law to tell the others to give me that space.

The best advice I would give is that you know who your friends are and who you like to talk to. I know from my sister that in the begining she waited for me to open up about it even though she really wanted to know how I was and how I was coping. Even now, when I want to talk about it she will sit and listen and if I suddenly change the subject she just acts like it is normal.

I can understand about you being upset about no-one seeming to remember. This is how I feel too. Sometimes i even wonder if it all really happened. To me it feels like a lost of identity. For a while I was a mother and now I am just back to having no children, it's something that's very hard to explain.

I remember when I had a miscarriage before. My sister and I would have got pregnant around the same. She felt really bad about me during her whole pregnancy.

Daisy Steiner

OP I'm so sorry for your loss.

I also have to thank you for posting this thread, it must have been very tough to describe all that.

My sister-in-law had a miscarriage a few months ago and after reading this thread I got up the courage to ask her if she was ok and we ended up talking about the little one and how he/she would have been due around now.

At the time we had spoken about it, but as time went on, I didn't know if I should bring it up. I'm a total softie anyway, and was really upset when it happened. I minded their two kids while they went for the d+c etc.

It was such a sad time as that kid would have been so loved and so welcomed, it's a damn shame.

Thanks again op as I could tell immediately today that my sil wanted to talk about it, she just didn't want to bring it up herself.