hook up culture

LegacyUser

Im going unreg for this one. Im finding it very difficult to find dates. I was listening to the radio and they were talking about this "hook up" culture we're all living in. And i get it. I see it with classmates: hooking up and jumping from one person to the other. But it seems to be everywhere and im afraid ill never find a boyfriend in this "culture" .I dont need a guy to feel good about myself and all that. im ready for a boyfriend but guys seem to be all hung up with hooking up and i wouldnt feel comfortable with doing this.
Anyone feel the same?

SarahSassy

Yep and I will be interested in what people say as a response..

prinz

Rest assured there are guys out there who feel the same, despite everyone telling you to 'get with the times' etc. Best of luck finding him, hope you do. Stay true to yourself tbh.

Miss Fluff

Oh it's absolutely rife! I've been online dating on and off for a while now and it is actually shocking how many people will resort to steering the conversation around to a sexual nature as soon as possible. I'm on the site in good faith, taking it with a healthy pinch of salt, but so many people are on their for a hook-up or a night of casual sex with, lets face it, a stranger.

If that's not what you want, you stick to your guns girl. Why should you compromise what you believe in or do something you're not comfortable with? You will meet a nice person who wants the same thing as you so don't succumb to societal or peer pressure. Do what feels right.

Just don't do it. I was never comfortable with it. Not a prude, just didn't like the idea of any of it, sleeping with people my frieinds have slept with, sleeping with half the class, eugh. I didn't worry about getting a boyfriend, just enjoyed myself with my friends, and met my first real bf in final year, we gravitated towards each other as we had similar values and ideas. There are millions of men, you'll definitely find someone interested in a relationship!

thanatos12

Looks like im the 1st guy to reply in this thread:o (I feel outnumbered:p)

But ye not all guys are trying to ride everything with a pulse, some of us are looking for a serious adult relationship.

True I use to be one of them guys that goes from girl to girl, but it gets boring after awhile and sometimes ya would just like somebody to talk to or hang out with.

Denerick

Trust me, not all men are like this. I'm not a prude, but I'm thoroughly disgusted by our hedonistic, instant gratification culture. It makes me quite misanthropic at times.

Blackdrag

Im a man and i wouldn’t think about "hooking up". Do your own thing and ignore the immature little boys.

Im sure you will find someone who is after the same thing as you.

Good luck

ron_darrell

Funnily enough my experience has been quite the opposite. So many girls out there say they're after something more but once they've had their fun they leave, or when things start to get serious they panic and bolt. I don't think it's fair to only blame guys for our hedonistic instant gratification culture.

JimmyCrackCorn

Denerick wrote: »

Trust me, not all men are like this. I'm not a prude, but I'm thoroughly disgusted by our hedonistic, instant gratification culture. It makes me quite misanthropic at times.

He has a point but hes over-reacting a little.

Orla K

ron_darrell wrote: »

I don't think it's fair to only blame guys for our hedonistic instant gratification culture.

Nobody has been, the not all guys comments on this are because the op was wondering would they ever get a boyfriend, so obviously other comments were along the lines of 'not all guys are like this'.

Op stick to what your happy with. Don't feel the need to join this 'culture' (I don't think your putting yourself under any/much pressure to join) Just don't worry about it like someone said go out with friends have a good time and a decent guy will eventually appear.

R.D. aka MR.D

Yes definitely!

It will happen when it is supposed to and sometimes when you least expect it!

Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable and in the long run whatever guy you find will probably admire the fact that you haven't been around half the town.

McChubbin

I'm sick of this type of culture myself.
To cut a long rant short (as it's not the R&R forum), all I'll say is:

I want a serious relationship, not a serious STD.

Blackdrag

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable and in the long run whatever guy you find will probably admire the fact that you haven't been around half the town.

Good point!

Des Carter

Im a 21yr old guy and I hate this hook up culture. I would much prefer to meet someone who I have an emotional bond with (same interests, be able to talk about whatever and just hang out) aswell as a physical attraction.

I would never be able to hook up with a drunk randomer (too afraid of STDs and getting her pregnant etc) as I just find it sleezy and cheap. However it is extremely hard to meet someone outside the club/pub or alcohaul scene. Which is a real shame.

magicianz

Yeah I do hate the culture we live in tbh, I would very much be at home growing up decades ago relationship wise! I see all my friends doing it all the time and while I do believe you should enjoy your youth, you miss out on learning the real things about relationships. Before you would go out with some one on a date and see how it went and get to know each other a bit before even kissing! Now you could turn around and someone would try yo maul the face off ya!

People jump into things too hastily and miss everything. The feeling you get at the start of a relationship is amazing like, getting to know them, the awkwardness at the start, the butterflys, it really is such a good feeling! Compared to the nothing you get (and forget) from random scoring in clubs or whatever.

I want my girlfriend to be my best friend too. I mean everything is better if there is an emotional connection there, it enhances every feeling and sometimes even the warmth of their hand on your skin is enough to make you crazy

I don't do it, I don't want to do it, I won't do it! Screw what people say, don't let anyone push you into anything like that. Hold out for proper guys and don't suffer with the 'players' and users that plague my kind these days!
(from 18 yo guy )

HavingCrack

magicianz wrote: »

Yeah I do hate the culture we live in tbh, I would very much be at home growing up decades ago relationship wise! I see all my friends doing it all the time and while I do believe you should enjoy your youth, you miss out on learning the real things about relationships. Before you would go out with some one on a date and see how it went and get to know each other a bit before even kissing! Now you could turn around and someone would try yo maul the face off ya!

People jump into things too hastily and miss everything. The feeling you get at the start of a relationship is amazing like, getting to know them, the awkwardness at the start, the butterflys, it really is such a good feeling! Compared to the nothing you get (and forget) from random scoring in clubs or whatever.

I want my girlfriend to be my best friend too. I mean everything is better if there is an emotional connection there, it enhances every feeling and sometimes even the warmth of their hand on your skin is enough to make you crazy

I don't do it, I don't want to do it, I won't do it! Screw what people say, don't let anyone push you into anything like that. Hold out for proper guys and don't suffer with the 'players' and users that plague my kind these days!
(from 18 yo guy )

From what my parents and grand parents have told me about Ireland from the 1930's through to the 1980's you most certainly would not like growing up relationship wise. You'd want to grow up in a country where the Catholic Churche's view on sex still held sway???? no sex outside marriage, no living together if unmarried, children born outside wedlock being taken off mothers, magdalene laundries.....Didn't think so

Rose tinted spectacles and that..

fungun

there are guys and girls out there just the same who want the same thing. Problem is in finding them!!!!

Niteclubs are ****, but Ive met lovely people who have similar interests through mutual friends....i think a good idea is going out to a pub or sth with a good friend who is meeting a wide circle of his/her friends. Likelihood is you will have some things in common with some of the people and great chance to meet new people in an easy trusting environment.

magicianz

HavingCrack wrote: »

From what my parents and grand parents have told me about Ireland from the 1930's through to the 1980's you most certainly would not like growing up relationship wise. You'd want to grow up in a country where the Catholic Churche's view on sex still held sway???? no sex outside marriage, no living together if unmarried, children born outside wedlock being taken off mothers, magdalene laundries.....Didn't think so

Rose tinted spectacles and that..

I meant 80's on :P i'm only a youngster so that's a while back for me :P

SarahSassy

HavingCrack wrote: »

no sex outside marriage, no living together if unmarried, children born outside wedlock being taken off mothers, magdalene laundries.......

That was the extreme but you see all the problems here about people who are F-buddy's and the problems its caused, the single parents struggling, the one night stands gone wrong, the living together problems etc etc and think it surely used to have to be simpler....

28064212

SarahSassy wrote: »

That was the extreme but you see all the problems here about people who are F-buddy's and the problems its caused, the single parents struggling, the one night stands gone wrong, the living together problems etc etc and think it surely used to have to be simpler....

And people ended up staying with people who made them miserable because it was frowned upon to move on.

There's an awful lot of judgemental attitudes on this thread. If 'hooking-up' doesn't work for you, don't do it, but don't make out that people who do it aren't really enjoying it or are somehow inferior, or that it's impossible to do it without being responsible.

NB: I am not part of the 'hook-up' culture, much prefer an emotionally committed relationship, but there's nothing wrong with it either

prinz

HavingCrack wrote: »

You'd want to grow up in a country where the Catholic Churche's view on sex still held sway???

For one thing I'd say you have no idea of the RCC's view on sex. For another, there aren't many differences between the RCC's view and other Christian denominations etc when it comes to relationship/sex matters, contrary to popular Irish beliefs, in relation to sex outside of marriage, cohabitation before marriage and what not. Not to mention completely off topic. There are places where religion is at an all time low, and yet the people don't engage in the ONS/FB/etc lifestyle, so being under the thumb of religion has nothing to do with it.

The OP can, and no doubt will, find a guy with whom she would feel comfortable. It just takes looking in the non-Irish traditional places, cafés, shops, bookshops, societies, clubs etc rather than the pub/club/meat market combo.

As for being judgemental, no it's not about being judgemental. The facts speak for themselves on this issue, have a look around the PI/RI forum and you'll see the types of relationships causing the most hurt.

28064212

prinz wrote: »

As for being judgemental, no it's not about being judgemental. The facts speak for themselves on this issue, have a look around the PI/RI forum and you'll see the types of relationships causing the most hurt.

Yep, it's the ones that have been going on for 3, 4, 5 or more years

prinz

28064212 wrote: »

Yep, it's the ones that have been going on for 3, 4, 5 or more years

Length of a relationship has nothing to do with it tbh.

28064212

prinz wrote: »

Length of a relationship has nothing to do with it tbh.

? That's the point. The OP and subsequent posts were about the 'hook-up' culture, one-night-stands, FBs etc, and how it wasn't a good way to live, it was hedonistic, it was inherently bad.

My point was that it's entirely possible to have good ONS's and FB relationships, and bad 'meaningful' relationships. If people (like me) don't want to be involved with it, fine, but don't make out that it's inferior because we don't want it

prinz

28064212 wrote: »

My point was that it's entirely possible to have good ONS's and FB relationships, and bad 'meaningful' relationships. If people (like me) don't want to be involved with it, fine, but don't make out that it's inferior because we don't want it

Maybe it is. Chances are it probably isn't as many threads on boards would indicate. As for the 'meaningful' relationships with issues, I'd hazard a guess that most of these started in a hook up/ ONS type scenario. Anywhoo veering towards Humanities, I'm out.

28064212

prinz wrote: »

Maybe it is. Chances are it probably isn't as many threads on boards would indicate. As for the 'meaningful' relationships with issues, I'd hazard a guess that most of these started in a hook up/ ONS type scenario. Anywhoo veering towards Humanities, I'm out.

:pac: Now you're just making stuff up. Many, if not most, of the threads on RI indicate that the worst hurt occurs in a committed relationship

SarahSassy

28064212 wrote: »

:pac: Now you're just making stuff up. Many, if not most, of the threads on RI indicate that the worst hurt occurs in a committed relationship

Now who is making stuff up???

28064212

SarahSassy wrote: »

Now who is making stuff up???

Ehhh... what? Look at the first page of RI. How many of those are about people unhappy over a ONS or a FB? Now, how many are about a committed relationship? The latter vastly outnumber the former. Go back through the pages and you'll find the same the whole way. That's not making stuff up. prinz made a huge conjecture that they started as 'hook-ups' and that their problems were in some way related. That is making stuff up

SarahSassy

28064212 wrote: »

Ehhh... what? Look at the first page of RI. How many of those are about people unhappy over a ONS or a FB? Now, how many are about a committed relationship? The latter vastly outnumber the former. Go back through the pages and you'll find the same the whole way. That's not making stuff up. prinz made a huge conjecture that they started as 'hook-ups' and that their problems were in some way related. That is making stuff up

It changes from day to day so to base your opinion on todays threads is just plain silly.

28064212

SarahSassy wrote: »

It changes from day to day so to base your opinion on todays threads is just plain silly.

To read half a post and then comment is just plain silly

28064212 wrote: »

Ehhh... what? Look at the first page of RI. How many of those are about people unhappy over a ONS or a FB? Now, how many are about a committed relationship? The latter vastly outnumber the former. Go back through the pages and you'll find the same the whole way. That's not making stuff up. prinz made a huge conjecture that they started as 'hook-ups' and that their problems were in some way related. That is making stuff up

prinz

28064212 wrote: »

:pac: Now you're just making stuff up. Many, if not most, of the threads on RI indicate that the worst hurt occurs in a committed relationship

Making stuff up, or basing an assessment on a lot of real life experiences? You'd really have to go back to the beginning of these 'committed relationships' to see where the issues began/could have been nipped in the bud.

LegacyUser

I completely agree with alot of posters here. I want a boyfriend to be my bestfriend too, an emotional bond. For me, I see sex as special and meaningful. I noticed I have only one or 2 male friends luckily, cause when i tried to socialise with lads in my area, they dont wanna know unless your easy and it upsets me. How will I ever meet a guy?
Im sure no one wants to be back in 1930s ireland (gag) - but in fairness, at least in the aul days outside catholic ireland or whenever/whatever, guys had RESPECT for girls, by "courting" them, giving them a chance! ... and girls respected themselves and didnt put out to get attention from guys, cause lets face it, this is whats happening. Girls are dropping standards and respect for attention - whatver anyone says here in rebutle - I know this is happening cause my shoulder is always cried on by friends.....
And im just gonna say - alot has changed in recent times. EVERYTHING seems to be accessible - at our fingertips - what, with tech and internet - we know,want and get everything. And it seems human relationships have taken the same turn! Girls are giving away the movie before the trailer - and all there is ,is take, take , take in this culture.
Whats happening to leaving things to the imagination? What happened to gentlemen and ladies? Yes im enjoying my youth but when you get to point where a guy wont chat to you unless ur easy- somethings wrong...........
Some will agree, some wont. This is just my opinion as this is whats happenin in my area to me and alot of my friends and we are fed up of the rudeness!

LegacyUser

On a podcast I recently heard, an investigation/survey was carried out in 2009 saying 43% women and 26% men who had taken part in the hook up culture in the past, now suffer from emotional issues, intimacy problems and self destructive patterns.

jurgenscarl

Hi OP.
If you don't want to hook up then avoid nightclubs and bars where most guys and girls are just looking for casual sex.
Instead join a gym or sports club or take up a hobby e.g. amateur dramatics, flower arranging, yoga, ball room dancing, stamp collecting, music chairs etc etc what ever you are into:) and you will meet likeminded people with shared hobbies.
If you set a high standard and you want a serious relationship, meeting someone in a non-threatening environment rather than drunk and at night is the way to go.
You seem a bit shy, reserved and more sensible.
The hook up culture is probably not for you.

HavingCrack

prinz wrote: »

For one thing I'd say you have no idea of the RCC's view on sex. For another, there aren't many differences between the RCC's view and other Christian denominations etc when it comes to relationship/sex matters, contrary to popular Irish beliefs, in relation to sex outside of marriage, cohabitation before marriage and what not. Not to mention completely off topic. There are places where religion is at an all time low, and yet the people don't engage in the ONS/FB/etc lifestyle, so being under the thumb of religion has nothing to do with it.

The OP can, and no doubt will, find a guy with whom she would feel comfortable. It just takes looking in the non-Irish traditional places, cafés, shops, bookshops, societies, clubs etc rather than the pub/club/meat market combo.

As for being judgemental, no it's not about being judgemental. The facts speak for themselves on this issue, have a look around the PI/RI forum and you'll see the types of relationships causing the most hurt.

A point was raised about dating and the likes being easier back in the 'old days' whenever that was and I was showing what passed for normal in many parts of Ireland at the time. I only mentioned the Catholic Church because it was the dominant religion in Ireland at the time. This isn't helping the OP however so I'll stop

LegacyUser

Hi guys
Im not shy. I talk to everyone but i found guys I know only talk to a girl (when we're out) who is either easy or half cut = may be easy. its so annoying!

28064212

hungup wrote: »

Hi guys
Im not shy. I talk to everyone but i found guys I know only talk to a girl (when we're out) who is either easy or half cut = may be easy. its so annoying!

So don't look in pubs/night-clubs for relationships. You might as well go to a football match and complain because you can't find a guy who's not interested in football.

And the guys that do go to nightclubs that may be interested in your type of relationship are typically not the kind of guys that would make a first move

Tender Hoop

Its not fair I guess. If a guy get laid allot he is a legend if a girls get allot she is a slut. thems are the rules.

HavingCrack

Tender Hoop wrote: »

Its not fair I guess. If a guy get laid allot he is a legend if a girls get allot she is a slut. thems are the rules.

I wouldn't actually agree with this statement. Well actually this is often a female slant on things. In my experience very few men will call a girl a slut for sleeping with lots of men but other girls will call her a slag/slapper/slut to her face.

magicianz

Completely agree with havingcrack on that, I have rarely heard my male friends calling any girl a slapper/slut or anything, apart from in jest! But that's just going off topic to some girls being bitchy, which is another thread entirely :P

LegacyUser

magicianz wrote: »

Completely agree with havingcrack on that, I have rarely heard my male friends calling any girl a slapper/slut or anything, apart from in jest! But that's just going off topic to some girls being bitchy, which is another thread entirely :P

Completely and utterly untrue. My friends will regularly laugh about sluts in our area who **** around. Any group of guys I've been with have joked in the past about that slutty girl everyone knows.

Also, times are changing, whilst guys dont call other guys sluts, women have started calling guys who sleep around sluts and have started avoiding 'players'


Heres it broken down.

For Men :
Girls who **** around = sluts = have fun with but dont get in relationship

For Women :
Guys who **** around = players = Avoid at all costs and dont be another number for them

Eve_Dublin

hungup wrote: »

On a podcast I recently heard, an investigation/survey was carried out in 2009 saying 43% women and 26% men who had taken part in the hook up culture in the past, now suffer from emotional issues, intimacy problems and self destructive patterns.

Taken part on what scale though? The moral of the story is, if you don´t think you can handle the hook up culture, then don´t partake. Too many people ignore their gut feeling and go for it anyway. A lot of people are well able to dapple in that side of things for a period of time or between relationships and still have healthy, long term relationships. In fact, I have friends who´ve been with their first and only lover for 6 or 7 years and now they´re having serious problems with trust, sexual boredom and temptation. Not saying this will always be the case but I´m 30, have done the whole "hook up" thing and it´s well and truely out of my system. Now I´m with a guy and I´m ready to comit.

Benincasa

HavingCrack wrote: »

From what my parents and grand parents have told me about Ireland from the 1930's through to the 1980's you most certainly would not like growing up relationship wise. You'd want to grow up in a country where the Catholic Churche's view on sex still held sway???? no sex outside marriage, no living together if unmarried, children born outside wedlock being taken off mothers, magdalene laundries.....Didn't think so

Rose tinted spectacles and that..

Actually I think you have black tinted glasses to be honest!

There are terrible myths about supposedly "Catholic" Ireland in the past. Unfortunately it was a very distorted version of Catholicism, and not Catholicism in the totality of its beauty.

It's beyond the current discussion, so I'll leave it at that.

OP: stick to your guns and don't give in. There are plenty of people out there who will respect you.

jurgenscarl

Also, times are changing, whilst guys dont call other guys sluts, women have started calling guys who sleep around sluts and have started avoiding 'players'

A guy who sleeps around has pre-selection value.
If women know he is a player that makes him attractive because they are bound to be curious.