Bacon - is there anything it can't do?

Zaph

A couple of days ago I twisted my ankle quite badly and, after being on my feet at a social event for most of last night, I was in pretty severe pain this morning. Despite this, sustenance was required this morning so I went in search of bacon. As I sat and enjoyed my pork-derived comestibles I noticed something happening - the pain in my ankle was magically vanishing. I tentatively flexed the joint, but unlike the moments before I entered the establishment, there was no searing pain shooting down my foot. In fact, it was almost feeling better than it did before I twisted it. I got up and left the eatery with a renewed spring in my step and it has been pain-free ever since. This can only be down to one thing - The Power of Bacon.

Brothers, I urge you to share your bacon related miracles here so that those who do not believe shall too see the light.

UrbanSea

I believe the immense fat content was cushioning your ankle,making it better. I don't even think a woman can do that.

trout

Tom Dunne

I was out for a few beers the other night, as one does.

It was quite warm and I was having trouble finding a taxi.

Then suddenly, our of the blue appears a flying carpet. And it was not just any flying carpet, it was a flying carpet made out of bacon (which in iself it quite unusual in these parts). So I hopped on the magic carpet and the driver, Honest Ahmed, told me to take a bite. And I did. And it was the nicest, crunchiest, tasties bacon I have ever had.

He then told me to stop biting him and to try the carpet, which I did.

After a short flight, I was home in my bed.

Was there any better way to end such a night?

(coincidentally enough, that was the same night we had a free bar. A perfect night by all accounts)

trout

As a percentage ... how much carpet could you eat, before the aerodynamic properties became less than adequate?

UrbanSea

trout wrote: »

As a percentage ... how much carpet could you eat, before the aerodynamic properties became less than adequate?

99%,if it was any other material,then about 10%. However,as you know,bacon is super,and is the best at...anything.

LostinBlanch

trout wrote: »

As a percentage ... how much carpet could you eat, before the aerodynamic properties became less than adequate?

Depends whether it's proper bacon or halal bacon.

Think European swallow or African swallow.

oblivious

LostinBlanch wrote: »

halal bacon.

trout

Tom Dunne

trout wrote: »

As a percentage ... how much carpet could you eat, before the aerodynamic properties became less than adequate?

You work it out thus:

% remaining >= ( [Qa/2] + 3.1415926*Bd)/Alt^2 + 1.2134551E10)

Where:

Qa = the Quantity of Alcohol (divided by 2, because you never actually realise how much you have had to drink when you are on a flying carpet made out of bacon)

Bd = Bacon depth (the thickness, in cm, of the bacon)

Alt = Just how high are you?

1.2134551E10 = The Tom Dunne Constant of Bacon

CiDeRmAn

Bacon, I know it can upset people of certain religious types, could they, in fact, be allergic to the power of bacon?
Perhaps bacon is like kryptonite to them, kinda like anti-bacon.

To the rest of us, anti-bacon would be the likes of brussels sprouts, something that outside of Christmas brings untold misery and is the genesis of a thousand unhappy childhood stories.

47

Speaking of christmas, This year i`m going to pray really hard too god for him too make a new species of turkey.... a turkey made completely of bacon :cool:

Tom Dunne

Not to be confused with turkey bacon, that culinary abomination.

47

Forgot too mention that the turkey made of bacon will be of the pig variety none of that turkey bacon imposter crap

CiDeRmAn

So, is Bernard Mathews, inventor of Turkey Bacon, some sort of anti-christ of bacon lovers everywhere?
And if so, who is the messiah?
The lads at Clonkilty who make the best pudding in the world!

Tom Dunne

CiDeRmAn wrote: »

So, is Bernard Mathews, inventor of Turkey Bacon, some sort of anti-christ of bacon lovers everywhere?

We shall hunt him down.....

CiDeRmAn wrote: »

And if so, who is the messiah?
The lads at Clonkilty who make the best pudding in the world!

Well, not so much the messiah, more the Son.

You see, it works like this:

There is the Holy Trinity of Bacon products.

The Father - Mr. Denny - for the rashers

The Son - The Good People of Clonakilty for the puddings

And the Holy Ghost - Superquinn - for the sausages, of course

star-pants

uch

Tom Dunne wrote: »

You work it out thus:

% remaining >= ( [Qa/2] + 3.1415926*Bd)/Alt^2 + 1.2134551E10)

Where:

Qa = the Quantity of Alcohol (divided by 2, because you never actually realise how much you have had to drink when you are on a flying carpet made out of bacon)

Bd = Bacon depth (the thickness, in cm, of the bacon)

Alt = Just how high are you?

1.2134551E10 = The Tom Dunne Constant of Bacon

By my calculations, You Sir are absolutely correct, and might I add, this calculation would be in scientific terms be on a bar sorry Par with Alberts equasion of reletivity

CiDeRmAn

You guys have been watching Numb3rs again, haven't you?

Is there an approved way, in some sort of official church of bacon dogma, to cook bacon or other salted pork products?

I work in a very large north co. dublin psychiatric hospital and the catering staff there sent around something I have never seen before, nor ever hope to see again (although the client menus repeat every fortnight, so in 13 days I'll be seeing it again!),
they sent around white pudding, no probs there, it looked chunkily sliced, so far so good, it was a nice dense pud, with oats and other nice morsels in there, all good.
But then, I realised,
They didn't fry it.
They didn't grill it.
They didn't even bake it.

No, what these geniuses did was steam it!

I sh1t you not!

So, in your estimation, what should be done with these people?

Tom Dunne

CiDeRmAn wrote: »

No, what these geniuses did was steam it!

I sh1t you not!

So, in your estimation, what should be done with these people?

Holy, sweet mother of God.:eek:

How do you actually steam white pudding? Hold it over the kettle with a fork?

There is no hope for people like this, no hope.

I say you administer a beating with a large ring of pudding. Stand over them while they learn to cook it properly, then force them to eat at least three kilos of it. Making sure they cook some properly for you, of course.

That'll learn 'em.

CiDeRmAn

I'm afraid being in the caring profession, and working in the HSE, not mutually exclusive oddly, it may be frowned upon to be seen to be using potentially delicious cured and uncured pork products to beat someone with, not to mention being against the one and holy churches scripture surely? (don't call me shirley).

southsiderosie

CiDeRmAn wrote: »

So, is Bernard Mathews, inventor of Turkey Bacon, some sort of anti-christ of bacon lovers everywhere?
And if so, who is the messiah?
The lads at Clonkilty who make the best pudding in the world!

The dude that invented this.

CiDeRmAn

I think the cardio surgeons of the world have a fatwa on those people!

Why not just wrap it around a big stick of butter and ring Beaumont ahead of time?

southsiderosie

CiDeRmAn wrote: »

I think the cardio surgeons of the world have a fatwa on those people!

Why not just wrap it around a big stick of butter and ring Beaumont ahead of time?

Because butter doesn't taste as good as bacon.

cyberwolf77

Try it on a BLT.*







* I take no responsibility if you suddenly find yourself overwhelmed by sheer pleasure

CiDeRmAn

I don't know, that bacon flavoured spread may be just that, only bacon flavoured.
Where's the actual bacon?
Has a pig suffered, even one, to create that spread?
Does it have a Linda McCartney sticker on it anywhere?

Just checked the Bacconaise website http://www.jdfoods.net/products/baconnaise.php and looking at the ingredients there isn't any bacon in it anywhere, it's even Kosher for gods sake!
They even have a "Lite" version, for the less manly out there!

The company also seem to make multiple versions of Bacon Salt and Salt and Vinegar Salt which is cool.

The Mmmvelopes are a bit weird, the glue on the flap is, you guessed it, bacon flavoured.

And don't even look at the Baconlube product, not sure any of us want to even look at that, so just say no fella's, JUST SAY NO!

trout

For military style emergencies ... or if you need the A-Team ... Tactical Bacon

oblivious

trout wrote: »

For military style emergencies ... or if you need the A-Team ... Tactical Bacon

There is a video for it too! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEA3tHoovlk&feature=player_embedded

Gyalist

It came to my attention a few minutes ago that there is a website called Bacon Today which provides "Daily Updates on the World of Sweet, Sweet Bacon".

Yesterday's headline news was People in Canada Choose Bacon Over Sex.

47

CiDeRmAn wrote: »

You guys have been watching Numb3rs again, haven't you?

Is there an approved way, in some sort of official church of bacon dogma, to cook bacon or other salted pork products?

I work in a very large north co. dublin psychiatric hospital and the catering staff there sent around something I have never seen before, nor ever hope to see again (although the client menus repeat every fortnight, so in 13 days I'll be seeing it again!),
they sent around white pudding, no probs there, it looked chunkily sliced, so far so good, it was a nice dense pud, with oats and other nice morsels in there, all good.
But then, I realised,
They didn't fry it.
They didn't grill it.
They didn't even bake it.

No, what these geniuses did was steam it!

I sh1t you not!

So, in your estimation, what should be done with these people?

OFF WITH THERE HEADS!! :cool:

trout