She's getting fat

LegacyUser

As the title says, my girlfriend has been putting on a lot of weight recently. I really don't want to come across as shallow (although some of you will no doubt point that out), it's just that I'm getting less and less attracted to her, I can't help it.

Now, she's a happy girl and we have happy relationship, so it's not comfort eating, it's more like she just eats crap and doesn't really care about exercising or stuff. I enjoy keeping fit and try and include her in my walks or runs but she'd rather sit at her laptop all day.

How do I broach the subject?

CAN I broach the subject? I don't think there's any way to actually say it in a positive way?

Thanks guys

Wagon

First off, you aren't shallow.

Secondly, it's impossible to say nicely.

And finally...say it anyway. sometimes a kick up the hole is what people need. She might say that you are a bastard (actually, be prepared to be called a lot of names) but really, how can you be attracted to someone who just lets themselves go? If she was thin when you two met and now thinks its okay to get fat...pretty lazy and it actually casuses a lot of relationships to end.

Delicate_Dlite

I'm a girl with a lot of body issues, I'll admit that. But even I think you should say it. Yes it won't be pleasant for either of you, but not saying it will be a hell of a lot worse.

Firstly, you're going to have plan and practice how to say it. The wrong phrase could do a lot of damage. . I'd start with focusing not on appearance of fat, but of health and fitness. You're concerned for her, her lack of energy and her "inertia" you find a little bit depressing to be around.

Perhaps book some classes for her as a present? She may feel uncomfortable working out with you, if there's a big difference of fitness levels. Maybe you could prepare healthy meals as a treat? Also maybe fun active dates? To find her a hobby? Even a weekend west surfing could inspire herto be more active. (also sex burn lots of kcals;))

Good luck, and well done for being brave for asking for help here. Some may linch you, but you're not shallow.

blairbear

This is neither here nor there, but the title of the thread is a bit callous. "Girlfriend putting on weight" would have sufficed. Saying she's getting fat will get you off on a bad note with several posters.

I'm of the opinion that there's basically no way to say this that won't hurt her feelings. You can say it to her, and it might kick-start her into losing weight, but it also might damage your relationship even more than the extra weight is damaging it.

You talk about how sedentary her lifestyle is and how she sits at the laptop all day. Is she unemployed? Is she working from home? Have there been any recent changes in her daily life that have caused her to become more inactive or reluctant to get out and about?

Contrary to some of the advice that you might get here, I don't think there's any way to trick her into losing weight, like suggesting multiple joint activities and exercise or suddenly performing a complete overhaul of your own diet and the meals you cook and hoping she follows suit. It won't work unless she wants to lose the weight herself.

If you do say it to her, maybe broach it from the angle that you're concerned about her and you've noticed her diet has changed recently and if there's anything she'd like to have a chat with you about or that you can help her with. For the love of god, don't use the word fat at any point of the conversation. Believe me, I'm sure she's well aware that she's putting on weight herself. She may even want help or to speak about it to someone, so carefully approached, you could help.


Be prepared for a backlash from her though. She may not want to change and be happy with herself, or may think you're a total pr*ck for saying it. I'm not saying that you are at all, but I think that'd be the automatic defence mechanism of most people, male or female, if they discover they're becoming less attractive to their partners.

tenchi-fan

If she is putting on weight it is because she is eating too much.

end of!

some people establish their ideal. however, if she is puttin on weight it is because she is eating too much, and it is an upward trend.

for every 1000 calories she eats she puts on half a pound. this is a scientific FACT!

If she overeats by 2000 calories she will have put on a pound.
by the end of 14 weeks she will be one stone heavier.

tell her to stop eating so much!

the gob

Delicate_Dlite wrote: »

I'm a girl with a lot of body issues, I'll admit that. But even I think you should say it. Yes it won't be pleasant for either of you, but not saying it will be a hell of a lot worse.

Firstly, you're going to have plan and practice how to say it. The wrong phrase could do a lot of damage. . I'd start with focusing not on appearance of fat, but of health and fitness. You're concerned for her, her lack of energy and her "inertia" you find a little bit depressing to be around.

Perhaps book some classes for her as a present? She may feel uncomfortable working out with you, if there's a big difference of fitness levels. Maybe you could prepare healthy meals as a treat? Also maybe fun active dates? To find her a hobby? Even a weekend west surfing could inspire herto be more active. (also sex burn lots of kcals;))

Good luck, and well done for being brave for asking for help here. Some may linch you, but you're not shallow.

excellent advice- delicatedlite sounds like she knows what shes talking about.

Wibbs

I also agree that Delicate_Dlite's approach is the best option here. Even so be prepared for a bad response. Weight is one of the most touchy subjects for women. They're completely surrounded with and pressured by references to it in the culture. Chances are she knows she's putting on the pounds too. Probably feels bad about same, though she may not show it. Now she may of course be perfectly happy or not notice it and that's fine too, but if you're not happy with it to the point where it'd damaging the relationship then it needs to be discussed.

Be very careful with your wording. blairbear reckoned your thread title itself was a bit callous and many women will agree. Many men wouldnt have. It's just a description of how you see it, but like I said a touchy subject. A comparison for a man might be a title called "he can't get it up" as opposed to "my boyfriend has difficulties with erections". Its all in the wording. So like DD said try the fitness approach. Better bet long term too. Diets on their own are largely pointless as old habits die hard.

CathyMoran

tenchi-fan wrote: »

If she is putting on weight it is because she is eating too much.

end of!

some people establish their ideal. however, if she is puttin on weight it is because she is eating too much, and it is an upward trend.

for every 1000 calories she eats she puts on half a pound. this is a scientific FACT!

If she overeats by 2000 calories she will have put on a pound.
by the end of 14 weeks she will be one stone heavier.

tell her to stop eating so much!

Sorry, but scaremongering is not going to help her, nor are the wrong figures for weight gain - fact!

To the OP, you have to be gentle about weight - going on a health drive yourself and suggesting that she follows you might be a way - plus you both benefit...it is far harder to loose weight when your partner is eating a whole range of bad food around you.

Wibbs

CathyMoran wrote: »

it is far harder to loose weight when your partner is eating a whole range of bad food around you.

+1. Plus the OP says he's into keeping fit, so he can eat more anyway as he burns it off and as a man he'll burn more calories just sitting there and will have less of a problem losing wieght anyway. So even if she was eating the exact same as you and even if she was exercising the same amount, she'd still be more likely to put on weight. A fair few women Ive known have put on weight when they moved in with a guy simply because they were eating what he ate.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

JonathanAnon

Was there something that she was doing before (i.e. walking, running, yoga etc etc) that she has given up recently, or is it purely just that she is eating more...

countryliving

oh dear a difficult one..........be extremely sensitive. as a woman i know when i put on weight.........maybe your not compatible? as you love to keep fit and maybe she just wants to be a couch potato? good luck.......just be sensitive as women Hate being told they are putting on weight.....

Smallbit

Wibbs wrote: »

+1. Plus the OP says he's into keeping fit, so he can eat more anyway as he burns it off and as a man he'll burn more calories just sitting there and will have less of a problem losing wieght anyway. So even if she was eating the exact same as you and even if she was exercising the same amount, she'd still be more likely to put on weight. A fair few women Ive known have put on weight when they moved in with a guy simply because they were eating what he ate.

++1 it's all about portion size! I gave up smoking when I got together with my partner, so I was more prone to snacking and although I was eating healty foods, I was eating the same size portions as he was. He's into cycling, even cycles to work, he swims, he walks, never sits still for more than 10 minutes etc, whereas I drive to work and just go for an occasional cycle or walk. I put on 2 stone...

Luckily for me, he was supportive and uncritical of my weight (though I know he likes curvy women!). But I can tell you that no amount of criticism or encouragement motivated me (my sisters were very critical :mad:) until I had got my head round it and motivated myself. In fact pressurising someone can often have the opposite effect, so tread carefully OP.

Kooli

Gosh it's such a minefield isn't it?
There's no way it's going to be a pleasant conversation, and it's also unlikely you're going to be telling her something she doesn't already know, and yet I still think it's important you broach the subject.

If she's the type of girl who mentions it herself then it might be easier to just use that as a jumping off point. Like if she mentions being fat or gaining weight, don't reassure her but just be empathic and ask how you can help if her weight gain is getting her down? Or ask why she thinks she's gained weight? That way you're making it clear that you've noticed it too and want to help, without going down the route of 'I'm finding you less attractive'.

People are so quick to reassure 'No you look great', 'Of course you haven't gained weight', that it can be a real eye opener when someone just agrees 'Yes you have gained weight', and it can sometimes be the 'kick up the arse' that's needed.

If she, however, doesn't seem to see a problem with her weight, then it's hard to know what you can do...

seamus

tenchi-fan wrote: »

for every 1000 calories she eats she puts on half a pound. this is a scientific FACT!

Actually that's completely incorrect. For a number of reasons. 1lb of fat = 3,500 calories, give or take. In order to gain weight, you need to eat more than you burn off. A small-framed woman in a sedentary job will burn about 1,500 calories per day. So if she eats 1,500 calories per day, she'll put on nothing. If she eats an extra 1,000 calories per day, she will put on just under 1/3 of a lb.
Now, it's not actually that simple, but it'll do for standard comparison purposes.

If 1lb = 2,000 calories, you would notice yourself putting on weight very easily, and especially so if you were putting it on at the rate of 2lb per week (4,000 calories over = 570kcal extra per day). However, that same 4,000 calories is actually just over 1lb per week which is much harder to spot.

tell her to stop eating so much!

Just like we tell smokers to stop smoking, and look how well that works.

While "stop eating so much" is basically the solution, claiming that it's that simple is being completely and utterly ignorant of the problem.

LegacyUser

Could it be that she hasn't noticed? It was a while before I noticed that I had gained weight. After a while I felt that I was a bit podgy in the tummy but got a right auld shock when I got on the scales! Do you have a bathroom scales? If not it might be worth getting one and she may hop on out of curiosity and get the jolt she needs.

Do you have eating habits that you could improve yourself? You could use that as a jumping off point for starting a conversation, say you'd like to eat better and invite her to join you, focus on the health benefits of dropping a few pounds rather than 'you look less attractive'.

I also put on weight eating the same portion sizes as my OH, not to mention us eating more treats because we had moved in together and were just coasting along happily enjoying ourselves.

I had to realise it for myself and get my head into a motivated state of mind and now the weight is coming off again. Even if you say it to her she will have to decide to change for herself. You need to decide if you are happy to stay with her even if it takes her a year or two to change her lifestyle. My OH is extremely supportive and that goes a long way, his help keeps me motivated and his encouragement is just brilliant.

Mancoach

Hi OP

Your not shallow lad. Relationships are primarily based on physical attraction and if that isn't there anymore then the whole thing will come tumbling down like a deck of cards.

So yes you have to say something to her and yes you are going to get absolutly CRUSHED when you do.

You can expect the five stages of the Emotional Response Model (generally applied to bereavement but also transferable to personal change and emotional upset) to kick in.

1. Denial- "what are you talking about im the same weight as when you met me"

2. Anger- "i cant believe you'd say that to me. i thought you loved me. were finished" (steps 1 and 2 may occur simultaneously)

3. Bargaining- "Well i may have put on a few pounds but your no oil painting yourself"

4. Depression- "i cant believe i've let myself go so much. i've ruined my relationship ,no man will ever want me. Where's the Haggen Das"

5. Acceptance- "Right im off to Weight watchers"

Your in for a rough ride buddy but hang in there and hopefully you'll get to stage five quickly enough.

Good Luck!

Tallaght Saint

I was in this situation with my ex, when I got with her she was 11st and when our relationship ended she was just under 17st. We didn't break up over her weight because I couldn't care less about it, she just wanted somebody else.

I didn't have the courage to bring it up lol and I wouldn't advise you to just in case of a backlash!!

sexdwarf

Mancoach wrote: »

Hi OP

Your not shallow lad. Relationships are primarily based on physical attraction and if that isn't there anymore then the whole thing will come tumbling down like a deck of cards.

So yes you have to say something to her and yes you are going to get absolutly CRUSHED when you do.

You can expect the five stages of the Emotional Response Model (generally applied to bereavement but also transferable to personal change and emotional upset) to kick in.

1. Denial- "what are you talking about im the same weight as when you met me"

2. Anger- "i cant believe you'd say that to me. i thought you loved me. were finished" (steps 1 and 2 may occur simultaneously)

3. Bargaining- "Well i may have put on a few pounds but your no oil painting yourself"

4. Depression- "i cant believe i've let myself go so much. i've ruined my relationship ,no man will ever want me. Where's the Haggen Das"

5. Acceptance- "Right im off to Weight watchers"

Your in for a rough ride buddy but hang in there and hopefully you'll get to stage five quickly enough.

Good Luck!

This is waffle to be honest, people aren't robots that follow these 'rules' you've laid out in any particular challenging situation. She could react in any number of ways depending on her personality. That's not to say that the OP shouldn't discuss it with her, he should just do it in a sensitive and supportive way.

Eve_Dublin

Not saying your girlfriend will but I know what I would do if you told me I was putting on weight: I´d dump you. Not out of spite or anger, I just couldn´t be with a man who was going off me physically. It would damage my self esteem no end. I´d be paranoid forever after. I´m not going to loose weight just because someone told me...I´d have to realise it and take the initiative myself. I understand we owe it to each other to keep ourselves attractive for the other person but if I was your girlfriend, I wouldn´t be able to stay with you and feel alright with my physical appearance. That´s just me though. I think you´re walking on thin ice.

sexdwarf

I agree, I don't think I could stay with a man who went off me whenever I put on some weight. If my partner pointed out my weight gain out of concern for my health, that would be different. I'd always be worried, what about when I'm older and get middle-aged spread, what about wrinkles or grey hair.

In fairness though to the OP, if he's less attracted, that's just the way it is. I'd just prefer a man who is less looks-orientated. It all depends on how the OPs girlfriend reacts to it. It's a VERY sensitive subject.

blairbear

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Not saying your girlfriend will but I know what I would do if you told me I was putting on weight: I´d dump you. Not out of spite or anger, I just couldn´t be with a man who was going off me physically. It would damage my self esteem no end. I´d be paranoid forever after. I´m not going to loose weight just because someone told me...I´d have to realise it and take the initiative myself. I understand we owe it to each other to keep ourselves attractive for the other person but if I was your girlfriend, I wouldn´t be able to stay with you and feel alright with my physical appearance. That´s just me though. I think you´re walking on thin ice.

I actually think I'd do the same, and I know well it's the kind of response that is really unpopular round here. I've always been a size 6 to 8 but put on a little bit of weight when I was 16, which is 11 years ago, and my mother, not even a boyfriend, mentioned it to me. I've never forgotten how bad it made me feel and it's so long ago. If a boyfriend, who used to think I was gorgeous, told me I'd put on weight and he was finding me less attractive, I think it would break my heart.

Everyone says "oh, she owes it to the relationship not to put on weight..it's laziness etc". Not everything in a woman's life revolves around her relationship. She may have put on weight for any number of reasons, medical, emotional, psychological. I mentioned this upthread, but I still think that going on a health drive yourself or giving her presents of fitness classes etc, won't have any impact whatsoever on her weight unless she has decided herself first that she's going to get active and change her lifestyle. It'd be helpful for the OP to do these things as support once she's made the decision.

His girlfriend isn't stupid either. If she's the kind of person who is very inactive and he suddenly starts bringing her hiking every weekend and buying her a six month gym membership, she'll cop why and likely be very insulted.

It's definitely a catch-22 situation. Has she given no indication at all that she may be unhappy with her weight? Does she even make throw away comments like, " God, these jeans don't fit anymore"? Maybe then you could go from there and broach the topic. But she'll be upset OP, that's going to be unavoidable as whatever approach you take, you'll still be saying the same thing to her.

LC2010HIS

I would suggest getting out, why not take her on a picnic? with healthy food...maybe then a stroll..i wouldnt push working out as she may think you think she needs it but you dont want her to think that ..if that makes sense?
You should suggest going to places for a romantic walk or doing a trip around ireland - do a hike? go cycling? horseriding? and of course some loving counts as exercise! :rolleyes:


Id defo try and get her away from the laptop cause she could be eating unknownst to herself. And its addictive - internet addiction contributes to people isolating themselves from going out and exercising...just a theory

krudler

I'd say it to her, people can be as wishy washy and overly sensitive all they want, but if was a case of I was with someone and I started letting myself go, if they pointed it out to me that they started finding me unattractive, you can bet your ass I'd be heading out for a run the next day and hitting the gym. There are a lot of reasons people put on weight, most of them are excuses. Medical reasons are obviously valid, I put over a stone from being on a course of steroids for months earlier this year, I'm no longer on them and the weight is gone because I got up and did something about it. If its a case of shes just let herself go, you're more than entitled to point it out to her, its not being shallow at all. Being attracted to the person we're with is essential.

MaxPower89

OP you have to say it, otherwise the situation will only get worse and you will turn off her even more.

Its not being shallow in the slightest, its you are less attracted then thats the way you feel, most guys are the same.

Eve_Dublin

blairbear wrote: »

I actually think I'd do the same, and I know well it's the kind of response that is really unpopular round here. I've always been a size 6 to 8 but put on a little bit of weight when I was 16, which is 11 years ago, and my mother, not even a boyfriend, mentioned it to me. I've never forgotten how bad it made me feel and it's so long ago. If a boyfriend, who used to think I was gorgeous, told me I'd put on weight and he was finding me less attractive, I think it would break my heart.

Agreed. I´m not at all self-concious about my weight. I am about other things but not this. I have been too thin because of a bad flu and a few years later with a broken heart and I´ve been a little chubbier than I normally am a few times (usually in Irish Winters) but never bigger than a size 12. A few men are coming on here saying how they wouldn´t mind if their girlfriends told them to loose weight while failing to understand it´s a different issue for women. Now I know I´m going to get my head bitten off for that and people will claim there´s no difference and in claiming that, they show their ignorance in their understanding of the female psychology. Weight is such a contentious issue with soooooo many women. Women´s weight is discussed in gory detail in the media, it´s discussed here on Boards, every weight watchers ad, every slimming pill is targeted at women ONLY. Everyone knows the way to REALLY hurt a woman is to call her fat. There´s still a massive stigma surrounding large women. When I was underweight both times in my life because of being sick and having a broken heart, a lot of my female friends commented on how good I looked because I lost weight even though I looked unhealthy (as was pointed out to me by a male friend...guaranteed he wouldn´t have said it to me if I put ON weight)! Being underweight is preferable to a lot of women than having a bit of meat on our bones. THAT´S how screwed up the situation is. Does our bum look big in this? The answer is a resolute "no". Always. If you can´t lie, say nothing. Can you imagine the impact it would have on your OH coming from the man who´s supposed to find her sexually attractive? There´s nothing "wishy washy" about it. Women are judged on how we look more than men. That´s a simple fact. To equate it with your own feelings, as a man, of how you would feel if you were told the same thing is missing the point completely.

As i said before, I wouldn´t blame a man who told me he didn´t find me as attractive because I´d put on weight....it´s HIS prerogative and I don´t think it´s shallow but I wouldn´t be happy. It would knock my confidence. I hate to say that a lot of my confidence is based on how I look but it´s true and it´s true for a lot of women, if not most. If my boyfriend didn´t find me attractive, I couldn´t be with him. Hitting someone where it hurts won´t knock them into shape. Maybe this weight gain is temporary....hang on and see and if it´s not, then it´s up to you if you want to leave her or tell her but be prepared for the worst.

LegacyUser

this is a very hard situation your in. is the weight gain a big amount eg. has she gone from a size 8 to size 16 in a short amount of time??. im asking this because if its just from a size 8 to a size 10 then it shouldnt be a huge issue

also if your girlfriend has recently gone on the pill it may not agree with her? i gained 2 stone in 3 months when i went on the pill as sometimes it gives a false appatite

blairbear

I totally agree with everything Eve Dublin said there. Very well articulated.

Male posters may think it's being overly sensitive to skirt around the issue and that the OP should just come out and say it, taking a tough love approach. The only thing I can think of equating the weight issue to for men is if your girlfriend told you your penis was too small and she didn't find it attractive, or something similarly emasculating. (I realise you can change your weight but not penis size. This is just a comparison to try to evoke the same emotional response in a man.)

To say that all reasons for weight gain which are not medical are just "excuses" is uneducated and insulting. It can be a symptom of a psychiatric problem; compulsive over-eating or depression. It can be an emotional response to death, to the end of a relationship, to unemployment. We're not robots. Very often our health and body shape mimic how we feel and what's going on in our lives. To take this into consideration is not wishy-washy at all. It's compassionate, and this is an issue that should be approached with compassion, because this girl could get very hurt if handled insensitively.

Wibbs

seamus wrote: »

Just like we tell smokers to stop smoking, and look how well that works.

While "stop eating so much" is basically the solution, claiming that it's that simple is being completely and utterly ignorant of the problem.

+1000. And you dont need to smoke to live, you need to eat. You can take steps to avoid the former, avoiding the latter is impossible.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

A few men are coming on here saying how they wouldn´t mind if their girlfriends told them to loose weight while failing to understand it´s a different issue for women. Now I know I´m going to get my head bitten off for that and people will claim there´s no difference and in claiming that, they show their ignorance in their understanding of the female psychology. Weight is such a contentious issue with soooooo many women.

In a huge way. You simply cannot compare. Maybe like I said in the previous page a comparison might be erectile disfunction in a man or as blairbear said a comment on the size or lack of size of his man junk. Even there the comparison doesnt quite match up. As a man I dont have every ad on the telly/magazine/billboard showing me blokes with third legs, nor TV shows or ads openingly showing me how to add 3 inches to my pecker. And if Im hung like a mosquito the larger world wont know It's a really touchy subject for women. Of all the women Ive known of all sizes I can think of only one that I reckon actually didnt particularly care, but by god she was unusual. I've known a woman who had the "perfect" size 8 body who went down to a very drawn looking body as she still wasnt happy. Another who I told on a daily basis how gorgeous she was and it still didnt get through. And she was and one of those with the "perfect body".

And yes mae culpa I will admit in the past that I too have often thought "what's her problem, just cut down on the pies and get off your arse love", or "you asked me so I told you". Saying similar to most blokes if they asked would have a very very different effect.

So the OP is in a hard position here. If it is affecting his attraction for her. BTW that part I have no real issue with. Thats his opinion and feelings on it. But how he broaches this without causing an offence is a real tricky one to navigate. Mancoach's post though not a little crass may not be too far from the truth as far as her response goes. Not for the reasons listed, but because she will likely feel hurt so will come back with that stuff.

Now while I also agree with blairbear that she's going to spot why you're inviting her for strident walks in the country, its a far better way to go about it. She'll spot it alright, but at the same time will respond, not so much to the weight thing, but because you had the emotional wherewithal and consideration of her to sugar coat it and think of her feelings.

As far as being slated for a comment, heres one where I'l be shot :)... As a general rule, women more than men react to feelings. where her feelings go, her actions will follow. If you help her with those you're more liely of success. Men have more of a tendency to actions following direct stimuli or actions.

Eve_Dublin

Wibbs wrote: »

Now while I also agree with blairbear that she's going to spot why you're inviting her for strident walks in the country, its a far better way to go about it. She'll spot it alright, but at the same time will respond, not so much to the weight thing, but because you had the emotional wherewithal and consideration of her to sugar coat it and think of her feelings.

The "lets join a rambling club together" idea is not actually a bad one. There´s loads around the country and they can be great fun (joining one here in September). If you sell it to her as an idea where you can both spend time together and do something a bit different as supposed to just for the purpose of getting fit, then she might buy into it. Don´t even mention fitness actually because that´ll come with the territory anyway. It´s worth a shot before you decide (IF you decide) to pull out the "big guns".

blairbear

Yeah, I like the rambling club idea too. It would be a lovely thing to join. You couldn't take offence to someone asking you to go on a walk with them!

I'd love to hear from someone that actually did say it to a girlfriend and handled it well and had a positive outcome as a result. These type of threads have been on boards several times so there must be guys there who have been through the same thing and came out the other side, relationship intact..I hope!

My ex put on about 35lbs when he stopped rowing competitively after college. I helped him diet but I never needed to say a thing to him about it; his mates took care of that! Men do tend to slag each other if one of them puts on weight. I've heard guys calling each other "fat bastards" and writing comments under photos on facebook and they never seem to take too much offence. That would be UNHEARD OF among female friends. I can only imagine the drama that would ensue if girls did similar to each other.. One of my stunning, very slim female friends just put up new pictures of herself on FB. She looks worryingly emaciated. She has bags under her eyes. I'm sitting here in shock but there's 12 comments under the skinniest of the photos, from girls, saying how incredible she looks. Yet another example of how different this is for men.

Eve_Dublin

blairbear wrote: »

That would be UNHEARD OF among female friends. I can only imagine the drama that would ensue if girls did similar to each other.. One of my stunning, very slim female friends just put up new pictures of herself on FB. She looks worryingly emaciated. She has bags under her eyes. I'm sitting here in shock but there's 12 comments under the skinniest of the photos, from girls, saying how incredible she looks. Yet another example of how different this is for men.

Jesus you wouldn´t dream of saying that to another woman!

Thing is with your friend, only other WOMEN would comment on how well she looks....most men would probably spot a mile off that she´s worryingly thin. When my male friend told me I looked too thin a few years back, I was really taken aback. I´m kind of oblivious to my weight gain/weight loss and my head was all over the place at the time and when I had other girls telling me how great I looked, I thought I was grand. Thought to myself, "Well at least one good thing came out of getting my heart broken!". Now I see photos of myself round that time and I look like crap. Really appreciate my friend was honest and said something actually...still, if it was weight gain, then I mightened have been so thankful. See even myself who claims to be happy with my weight (and I definitely am compared to a lot of women) has underlying issues there. It´s all very messed up. And sad :-(

Wibbs

blairbear wrote: »

I'd love to hear from someone that actually did say it to a girlfriend and handled it well and had a positive outcome as a result. These type of threads have been on boards several times so there must be guys there who have been through the same thing and came out the other side, relationship intact..I hope!

I havent been in the situation where it was weight gain, it was weight loss. Positive results? No. I tried the nicely nicely approach and that was ignored and I tried the "Im worried you're so thin" and that was ignored/brushed off too as my imagination. Even though the dogs in the street could tell. Then it became the subject that dare not speak its name or a face would be put on. Now they're different scenarios, but I think somewhat similar in responses. And very similar in that the partners opinion didnt count so much.

I do know a mate who did get a positive outcome. Both him and his GF put on the wobblies over a year. He just came out and said it one night that he was getting blobby and he wanted to do something about it. She joined in, probably feeling "we're in this together and you didnt start on me first". Both cut down on the chinner dinners etc and started to take more exercise. Result for both. Now she's very sound and has her head together so that helped, but I think what really helped was they were in the same boat. I suspect if he looked like some high powered footballer, it may not have gone so well?

CathyMoran

A couple of years ago I put on what I felt to be too much weight and was upset about it (I was still within a healthy weight range but not a weight I was comfortable at), was about 12 years ago I guess...we discussed it and my then boyfriend encouraged me to loose weight and did not eat bad foods in front of me, we went for walks etc...we are still together and are happily married now - the fact that I felt comfortable enough with him to talk about it openly and the fact that he was so supportive helped...