Holiday Nightmare....

LegacyUser

So myself and my sister decided to book a week in Dublin over the summer holidays with our kids (no hubbies). I have one child, she has 4.

So we booked some lovely self-catering accommodation and I've really been looking forward to it. We've booked separate places, but in the same complex.

Now my sister doesn't work and spends her days with her sister-in-laws (her husbands sisters). They are all really close and get on well together. Since we booked the holiday, one by one, each of her 2 sister-in-laws (with kids) have decided to come along. However, none of them are booking accommodation and the plan is that they 'bunk-in' with my sister for a couple of nights.

This is becoming a bit of a nightmare for me. I wanted to get away and have a nice break. I know that my sister is going to ask if her sister in laws or their kids can stay in my place (I've a two bed apartment) as her place will be over crowded. Already, my sister (who can be quite controlling) is talking about the 'menu-plan'. She's decided we can cook for each other on alternate days etc. I only have the one child and will be feeding her and her 4 kids.....

This is all getting a bit much for me...this was originally MY holiday and I just asked my sister if she'd like to come along (I was thinking of company for my daughter). I know this is more an issue about how my sister treats me (she has a tendancy to take over every event in my family) but I don't know how to handle it. My daughter is delighted that all of these extra people are coming now because she gets on really well with some of the kids. But I'm not. I can almost pre-empt my days....I wanted to do nothing, go nowhere, just relax and chill out with my daughter. My sister is organising day trips here and there and as one of her sister in laws doesn't drive, my car (7 seater) has been nominated to carry some of them to these day trips...
I am now dreading a holiday that I was really looking forward to.
Anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it?

Elle Collins

There's a very simple way to deal with that OP. Just pull the plug on the holiday. Don't go, spent your money going somewhere you're going to actually enjoy, and let them all get on with it.

I wouldn't fancy a load of peoples kids hanging out of me like that and I think you'd be mad to actually spend money on something you're dreading.

Yeah, don't go. Your sister is being a cheeky cow, to be honest. How rude.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately, the holiday is already paid for, so I don't think I can back out.
AND I'd have to come up with a pretty good excuse not to go at this stage...

You'd have to know my sister and her sisters in law to understand the type of relationship they have. They spend their days in and out of each others houses, minding each others kids, going to the shops for one another. I'm often a bit jealous of their relationship if I'm honest, because I work full time and don't have a 'back-up' like my sister has. She can run to the shop/go into town etc at the drop of a hat. I have to arrange for someone to take my daughter to get the odd spare hour.

They honestly can't wait for this holiday and it seems their idea of heaven. They spent last weekend doing up their 'menu-plan'. I'm (apparently) cooking dinner on the wednesday....
It is my idea of hell!.

cats.life

do not go . a holiday is to relaxe., but this is causing stress already, so look up some where for you and your kid online like we are doing for the moment, isle of man is not to far away, you could do it in day or stay for a few..the boat trip would be goood for kid to see it sail in the water etc.

LegacyUser

The holiday is already paid for. I doubt I can get a refund. And like I said, I'd have to come up with a pretty good excuse not to go at this stage....

twoweekstogo

[quote=[Deleted User];67017092]Yeah, don't go. Your sister is being a cheeky cow, to be honest. How rude.[/QUOTE]

+1,
The only thing you can do is sit down with your sister and tell her what your plans are for YOUR holiday and tell her if she doesnt like it then she can bugger off with her sister in laws. Dont let her ruin it for you and your daughter. i hope everything works out

boarduser1980

i understand what you mean bout your sister been controlling, sounds like she walks all over you. and it certainly sounds like you are been used - they know you are a soft touch. if you go on the holiday you will get used every single day of it, to babysit, or do this, that and the other and you wont get to relax.

Either you pull out of this holiday come up with some lame excuse like you cant get the time off work now as another staff member left without giving any notice OR a week before pretend your very sick and cant go. i know you say its been paid for but id rather loose the money then having to be used for the week. maybe at the end of august you and your daughter go somewhere for a weekend of relaxation, doesnt have to be too far.
otherwise your gonna just have to go and bare them for the week and learn a lesson - dont arrange a holiday with your sister again. Good Luck!!

Taltos

Sorry sister - but there is a work emergency and my time off though approved has now been rejected.
If you want someone can pay me for the room booked otherwise I will look for a refund.

Totally out of my control

Oh woe is me...

Don't go...

LegacyUser

I should have said my sister doesn't drive and Im driving her and some of her kids and luggage. I've also been 'scheduled' for the day trips (my car has been scheduled I mean).
So for me to drop out would cause untold difficulties for her, and in turn, untold consequences for me.
I'll just have to go and grin and bear it.
It really felt like a good idea at the time. I was mainly thinking of my daughter as her cousin is her best pal. This whole thing started with me asking if I could bring my niece (my daughters friend) for company. Before the conversation was over, I was asking my sister to come (Im still not sure how that happened!).
I'll grin and bear it. I don't have the money to pay for another holiday if I wasn't to go on this one. And i won't let my daughter down like that.
Family eh!

Zen65

unregistered wrote: »

You'd have to know my sister and her sisters in law to understand the type of relationship they have. They spend their days in and out of each others houses, minding each others kids, going to the shops for one another. I'm often a bit jealous of their relationship if I'm honest, because I work full time and don't have a 'back-up' like my sister has. She can run to the shop/go into town etc at the drop of a hat. I have to arrange for someone to take my daughter to get the odd spare hour.

It sounds like she has great relationships with her sisters-in-law. Why does she not have this relationship with you? Do you live near her? Can you drop your daughter in with her when you need to?

Would you like to have a better relationship with her?

I'm asking because it seems to me.... and I'm only surmising.... that if you had a better relationship with her this would be a fun holiday. Your daughter seems to think so, doesn't she? This might be the opportunity to make a closer bond with your sister.

This is your sister. I think the suggestion that you just pull out of the holiday is not well-thought-out. In the course of your life, this event could seriously change your relationship, so think carefully before doing anything quick. Try and see this break from her perspective.....just for a minute.... and imagine how she might feel if you opt to pull out?

Be at peace,

Z

Zen65

Ahh, my advice was too slow and you came to the right decision by yourself. I think your sister is very fortunate to be able to share her life with you!!


Z

astra2000

I agree with Zen on this one. stop been jealous of your sister and her other friendships and try and make a better friendship with her. It sounds a bit like you think the grass is greener whem you say that she can just drop her kids and go dont be daft nobody can just drop off 4 kids when ever they want, that might be the way it appears from glancing into her life just as your life with "just" one child might appear easy to her when i am sure that is not the case. been jealous of her does not help your relationship with her and even if she had a fleet of childminders it makes no difference to your life you have to manage with what you have not what others have. You say you were considering your daughter when you made the invitation well maybe your sister was also considering her children or her inlaws who may not have gotten holiday but for her generosity! I do think she should have spoken to you first before issueing invites and organising rotas but to be honest your daughter is not going to have much fun chilling out and going nowhere and doing nothing is she? you were inviting her cousin to suit you and keep your daughter entertained and now it has back fired just who is been selfish here? If you are not comfortable doing the things they have planned say so you dont have to cook if that does not suit you just let them know you have had different plans for the hols and be done with it no need to argue about it and if you dont want to share your apartment dont, you are entitled to politely say no and for there not to be an argument.

Busi_Girl08

I don't think she was being selfish.

Wanting her daughter to have a friend on her holiday is nothing like being booked in as a taxi-driver for 3 families and a chef on certain nights.

She wanted a relaxing holiday, and her sister decided to completely take it over and turn it into a week of madness.

The sister is the one who was being selfish here.
I bet the OP was the one who booked the rooms aswell.

As for the sister being inconvenienced if the OP doesn't go, tough titties, I'm sure she'll cope somehow.

Bobbins

I don't understand why you can't be upfront and explain to your sister, that as much as u like her in laws, you were really looking forward to the time to relax and chill. Explain that the plans she forsees aren't in line with what you have in mind and that you're sure she appreciates that as your holiday time is limited, you don't want to feel under pressure to fall into plans that suit her and the entourage!

If she doesn't like it, she will have to get over it and you will just need to be tough. If you don't say anything, you will only end up resenting them all and ruining the hol for yourself and them as well!! if everyone knows that you will want to do your own thing most of the time then there will be no expectations.... Good luck

Curry Addict

u need to grow a backbone OP.

LegacyUser

'You say you were considering your daughter when you made the invitation well maybe your sister was also considering her children or her inlaws who may not have gotten holiday but for her generosity!'

I have to laugh at this one, sorry. My sister and her 2 sister in laws and their kids (and husbands) were away for two weeks in salou in june!!! So my sister isn't being 'generous' to them. They live in each others ears! They can't move without the other one. They have another week away planned in september. They maintain they are 'close' but I swear, it's this mad jealousy thingy that they all have with each other - one books a holiday, the others go along, one get a flatscreen, the other 2 get bigger ones (I could go on here, but you get the idea).

You're right, I'm not that close to my sister, but I gave up long ago trying to get close to her. For the sake of the kids, I keep in touch with her and this holiday was never going to change our relationship.
If she had asked me to tag along on a holiday with her, I wouldnt have asked 2 of my friends and their kids along also, without checking with her first. id realise it was her holiday....

Fox McCloud

Maybe say to her you were looking forward to quaility time with her, she is your sister. And with the others there it just wont be the same..

You accepting this treatment so they're going to treat you like this for the foreseeable future.

Emme

unregistered wrote: »

'You say you were considering your daughter when you made the invitation well maybe your sister was also considering her children or her inlaws who may not have gotten holiday but for her generosity!'

I have to laugh at this one, sorry. My sister and her 2 sister in laws and their kids (and husbands) were away for two weeks in salou in june!!! So my sister isn't being 'generous' to them. They live in each others ears! They can't move without the other one. They have another week away planned in september. They maintain they are 'close' but I swear, it's this mad jealousy thingy that they all have with each other - one books a holiday, the others go along, one get a flatscreen, the other 2 get bigger ones (I could go on here, but you get the idea).

You're right, I'm not that close to my sister, but I gave up long ago trying to get close to her. For the sake of the kids, I keep in touch with her and this holiday was never going to change our relationship.
If she had asked me to tag along on a holiday with her, I wouldnt have asked 2 of my friends and their kids along also, without checking with her first. id realise it was her holiday....

Isn't it well for them? :rolleyes: They went away for 2 weeks in June, they're going away with you (and you're going to do all the driving and be a general dogsbody during your ONLY holiday this year with your daughter) and they get to go on holidays again in September?

If you daughter sees you taking this abuse she'll grow up thinking it's ok to be a doormat. For her sake, if not your own, stand up to them and don't be a taxi service/cook/general dogsbody to them on YOUR holiday.

You're spending quality time with your daughter and if they don't like the fact that you can't do the run around for them all the time TOUGH.

OS119

unregistered wrote: »

I should have said my sister doesn't drive and Im driving her and some of her kids and luggage. I've also been 'scheduled' for the day trips (my car has been scheduled I mean).
So for me to drop out would cause untold difficulties for her, and in turn, untold consequences for me.
I'll just have to go and grin and bear it.
It really felt like a good idea at the time. I was mainly thinking of my daughter as her cousin is her best pal. This whole thing started with me asking if I could bring my niece (my daughters friend) for company. Before the conversation was over, I was asking my sister to come (Im still not sure how that happened!).
I'll grin and bear it. I don't have the money to pay for another holiday if I wasn't to go on this one. And i won't let my daughter down like that.
Family eh!

there are three options OP:

1) tell your sister that you are unhappy with the way this 'holiday' has developed, you'll be happy with her company, but you'll not be driving, or cooking for anyone else.

2) tell your sister that your leave has been cancelled, and see if you can get the other two families to 'buy-out' your costs so they can stay in 'your' apartment. then go elsewhere.

3) lump it, and show your daughter that adults are there to be bullied and cajoulled into being the pack animals and domestic servants of other adults.

the transport problems of other people are their problems - if they choose to arrange holidays in places they can either not get to, or not get around once there, that's their problem.

if you don't have a particularly close relationship with your sister then you can hardly damage it - if she gets a strop on because either you refuse to go on a holiday you won't enjoy, or because circumstances beyond your control force you to pull out, then i fail to see why you would be particularly fussed as to whether it was damaged by this or not...

LegacyUser

You're wrong when you say my daughter sees me (or will see me) as being treated like a doormat. This gang all help each other out ALL the time - and to whoever said my sister can't just run to the shops without her four kids at the drop of a hat, you're also wrong. I've seen her say 'Oh I need milk', ring one of the sis-in-laws asking can the kids go over (they live pretty close to each other), sis-in-law says yes, no problem. And off she goes. I've also seen the reverse of this where the sis in law would drop her 3kids at my sisters door, and my sister doesn't bat an eyelid.

It's all a bit incestuous if you ask me but they genuinely seem to enjoy the way they all live. Nothing is ever a problem, they share babysitters/lifts to school etc etc - and I've yet to see any of them complain about the other. Which is why sometimes I think I'm the odd one out!

Surely some of you know other people like this? I've seen this with another friend of mine who has a group of friends who all pop in and out of each others houses day in and day out.
Perhaps its because myself and my husband are quite private people, but while situations like this could suit me sometimes, I couldn't live like this all day every day.

So my daughter won't see me as being treated like a doormat. There are other people driving and we're all 'mucking' in together. There are other people cooking and I've been asked (told) I'll be cooking one of the nites too. What my daughter will see is mammy sharing the load....which is the way they all look at it.

Emme

unregistered wrote: »

You're wrong when you say my daughter sees me (or will see me) as being treated like a doormat. This gang all help each other out ALL the time - and to whoever said my sister can't just run to the shops without her four kids at the drop of a hat, you're also wrong. I've seen her say 'Oh I need milk', ring one of the sis-in-laws asking can the kids go over (they live pretty close to each other), sis-in-law says yes, no problem. And off she goes. I've also seen the reverse of this where the sis in law would drop her 3kids at my sisters door, and my sister doesn't bat an eyelid.

It's all a bit incestuous if you ask me but they genuinely seem to enjoy the way they all live. Nothing is ever a problem, they share babysitters/lifts to school etc etc - and I've yet to see any of them complain about the other. Which is why sometimes I think I'm the odd one out!

Surely some of you know other people like this? I've seen this with another friend of mine who has a group of friends who all pop in and out of each others houses day in and day out.
Perhaps its because myself and my husband are quite private people, but while situations like this could suit me sometimes, I couldn't live like this all day every day.

So my daughter won't see me as being treated like a doormat. There are other people driving and we're all 'mucking' in together. There are other people cooking and I've been asked (told) I'll be cooking one of the nites too. What my daughter will see is mammy sharing the load....which is the way they all look at it.

Are you happy with this or not? You seem to be a bit resentful about the arrangement but you're defending it at the same time. Decide whether you are happy with the arrangement, go along with it, make the most of it and don't moan to your daughter about it in private, or get some of the others to buy you out and go on holidays with her on your own.

LegacyUser

No, I'm not happy about it or else I wouldn't have posted here yesterday!
I said already I've decided to go and do my own thing as much as I can...in my last post, I was just trying to explain to previous posters that my daughter won't see me as a 'victim' being used by my sisters and her sisters in law.

And I won't be moaning to my daughter about it in private! She's a kid - she hasn't a clue I even feels like this!
I'll go and do as much of my own stuff with my daughter as possible....

petethebrick

Just grow a backbone and tell your sister how it is. If it was my sister or brother I'd tell them to fcuk off if they acted they way your sister has. Explain to her that her sister in law will have to rent her own place for the week as you came on holiday for a bit of quiet etc. And if you don't want to go on daytrips don't! Don't be stroppy about it, just be matter of fact about your own plans.
If your sister doesn't like it or gets offended who cares??? she created the problem

OS119

OP, i have - had actually - a very similar wider family in my wife's side, as you say people who live in each others pockets and who have become an amorphous mass because they do everything with each other, and nothing without wide consultation.

its not my scene at all, and thankfully not my wife's either. your 'holiday' sounds almost as much fun to me as a 'power tools and lumps of scaffolding' party with my local RIRA Active Service Unit.

i would caution you about just getting on with it and trying to hide your displeasure from your child, personally i was astonished at the amount my kids picked up while i attempted to be discreet about various issues - you don't have to sit them down and explain in words of less than 3 sylables that you'd rather be at your own autopsy than where you are right now for them to get the gist of your unhappiness. they'll see a cause (whats different to the normal environment?) and they'll assume - correctly in this case - that you're unhappy because there are lots of people around.

Kimia

My god OP, it's not that hard. This is what you need to say:

"I'm delighted we're going on holidays together and it sounds like a lot of fun. I have made my own plans so can you keep me out of the 'group' arrangements. You can use my car whenever you want, but I may not be available to give lifts on the days you have planned for me. So it's best if you work away with your sisters in law and leave me/my husband to make our own plans."

You can say this while being VERY enthusiastic about the holiday, it doesn't have to be a negative. Your sister is probably assuming that you're happy for all this to happen this way because you haven't said anything. If this is your idea of hell, it's very very easy to get out of it. Just say the above. Be firm, but pleasant. Simple!

LegacyUser

When I read the start of the thread, I agreed that your sister was very selfish to organise all this without even ok-ing it with you first. But as the thread has gone on, you've changed your stance slightly by defending your sister's actions, as Emme said. You then say that of course you're unhappy because you started the thread. It's hard to know if you're happy about this or not (just from reading) because you keep changing your mind. Is it possible that your sister finds it hard to read you too?

You also refer to yourself in a roundabout way as a 'victim'. A 'victim' of what? Your sister taking the opportunity to go on holidays with her sister and in laws? Your sister taking advantage of you? If someone's taking advantage of you, tell them where to go. It's as simple as that.

LegacyUser

Kimia, you don't know my sister!!!!!!!!!!!!

For me to say something like that would cause war to say the least. I can almost hear her now 'WHAT!!!!! WHAT do you MEAN you're doing your own thing????????..... '!

But I do like the way you have that worded and I'm practising it in my head this afternoon before I drop into her this evening.....:-)

Kimia

unregistered wrote: »

Kimia, you don't know my sister!!!!!!!!!!!!

For me to say something like that would cause war to say the least. I can almost hear her now 'WHAT!!!!! WHAT do you MEAN you're doing your own thing????????..... '!

But I do like the way you have that worded and I'm practising it in my head this afternoon before I drop into her this evening.....:-)

Well then you'll have to just suck it up!

It's in your hands how you enjoy your holiday, noone has the power (including an overbearing sister) to dictate how you spend your days. If you want to give her that power, that's your choice. You have 2 pages here giving you advice of how to get out of it, but the actual action is up to you.

Best of luck, and be strong!

Eve_Dublin

In my experience, the things I´ve dreaded the most I´ve enjoyed the most (probably most of it out of relief) because the reality is always better than the hell you imagined it´s going to be.

Oryx

I understand you cant back out. I doubt your daughter would be impressed if you did, anyway.

But youve got to stand up for what you want. If your sister throws a strop, well thats just bullying. She may be used to doing that, but hell, if you want this holiday to be your holiday, youll have to stand up to it. Its far healthier for you than keeping the peace outwardly while being miserable inside.

So you WONT be cooking on the Wednesday. You wont be mobile taxi when they need it. Fit in when you want to, dont when you dont feel like it. I know you say its downright impossible to stand up to your sister, but she will only start to listen to you when she knows she cant change your mind. Youll only really earn respect from your sister when you stand up for yourself. You wont get it by kowtowing to your her all the time.