Settling down dealbreaker

LegacyUser

If a couple disagree on when to settle down, is this a dealbreaker?
Been together 4 years, had kind of chatted about settling down, in passing. Recently however my OH has told me that he doesn't plan to buy a house for about 5 years and after my probing, yes, marry after that. This is too long for me. When I tried to talk more about it, told me I was counting my chickens.
Has anyone disagreed to this issue, and come to an acceptable compromise for both parties?? Or is this doomed?

omahaid

Can understand why he wouldn't be keen to buy a house for a few years in this market. Is he willing to marry before that? Does he want to marry?

LegacyUser

I think he does, eventually, and while I don't want to get married straight away, I have told him that I'd like to be married before I'm 30.
He wants house before get married.
I just feel like all these decisions have been taken out of my hands. When I try to discuss it more, he closes down and tells me we shouldn't even be talking about this stuff now. I am considering leaving him over this.

28064212

nowornever wrote: »

If a couple disagree on when to settle down, is this a dealbreaker?

If a couple disagree on when to settle down and neither are willing to compromise, then yes, it is a dealbreaker.

You've been together 4 years, has the topic of marriage never come up? He said you're "counting your chickens"? That sounds like he hasn't decided whether he wants to marry you or not. There's only one solution, you have to sit down with him and actually talk about where your relationship is heading. If the two of you aren't able to do that after 4 years together, then that's pretty much your answer

LegacyUser

OP you haven't mentioned what age you and your boyfriend are. If you're both young, i.e. in your twenties I can sort of see where he's coming from.

If you've past or are reaching the 30 mark than yeah I would be a little concerned. Not that there's a magic age you reach where it's mandatory to settle down, it's all subjective but if you've been together 4 years and are in your 30's you're generally past the "latest" boyfriend/girlfriend stage. In other words you see the person you're with more as a life long partner than a current one. It sounds like you are looking for reassurance that that is how he views you which is fair enough.

Regarding buying a house, I think at the moment your boyfriend is right. The way the market is I wouldn't see the hurry though things might stabilise in less than 5 years. You're actually in a very good position there and can afford to take your time.

And the counting your chickens remark sounds more like a tongue in cheek remark than anything else. However from that it does sound though like he doesn't understand that this is something that you're concerned about, concerned to a point where you might consider it a deal breaker.

LegacyUser

Well we're both in our mid twenties. I do think that all I am looking for is reassurance, like I don't want to get married now, and I definitely don't want to buy a house yet either. It's the fact that he had this rough timeline, well not really a timeline more of a "in many years to come" sort of a timeline, which really doesn't do much for me.
It's the fact that he doesn't want to talk about it at all that is worrying me. I really don't want to break up at all, because I love him so much, but I don't want to feel guilty every time I mention a future together, just because he doesn't want to talk about it. He says the more he thinks about those things the less he wants it. So pretty much, the more he thinks about a life with me, the less he wants it. Am I over-reacting?

SarahSassy

28064212 wrote: »

If a couple disagree on when to settle down and neither are willing to compromise, then yes, it is a dealbreaker.

You've been together 4 years, has the topic of marriage never come up? He said you're "counting your chickens"? That sounds like he hasn't decided whether he wants to marry you or not. There's only one solution, you have to sit down with him and actually talk about where your relationship is heading. If the two of you aren't able to do that after 4 years together, then that's pretty much your answer

I agree. Why did it take 4 years to know this?? He sounds like he is running scared and you need to know what he wants and dont be fobbed off. If he doesnt know after 4 years - he unlikely ever will.

You are not over-reacting but you do sound liek you are making serious compromises already by being willing to wait 9 or 10 years to get married and all on his terms.

barbiegirl

I think deep down you know whether he thinks you are the one or just the one for right now. You might not want to examine this thought as it is scary but it sounds like you have to. In my mid twenties I knew I was only the one for right now, he loved me but not enough. I wanted to be adored and to adore someone without being scared of it being too much. You can't compromise on yours or his feelings, they are what they are, and if you're not on the same path, then no it won't end happily.
Happily I know he is now very happy married with a kid and I found my man to adore and am pregnant with first baba. A happy ending for everyone just not with one another

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I am with my other half around 3yrs. We broke up once because i felt he didn't feel the same about me, as i do about him and that he didn't see a future with us. However, he came back asking for a second chance and i gave it to him but made it clear that i didn't want to be in a relationship that was going nowhere, now i am starting to think that i made a big mistake.

I love him to bits but there still doesn't seem to be any talk of a future together. At the moment i am seriously considering breaking up with him. I'm in my early 30's and watching all my friends getting married and starting families is sometimes gut-wrenching, don't get me wrong i am delighted for them...but can't help feeling like i have compromised and possibly have fcuked up my own future by staying with my OH.

Basically what i'm saying OP is, you really need to sit your boyfriend down and ask him straight out if he sees a future with you or not.Scary as it is!... Now i'm off to take my own advice!!! Best of luck and hope you get the answer you want...:-)

LegacyUser

barbiegirl wrote: »

I think deep down you know whether he thinks you are the one or just the one for right now. You might not want to examine this thought as it is scary but it sounds like you have to.

I honestly thought he thought i was the one. In fact we've both said it. So now I'm just so confused that this is happening. We have lived together for the last three years. He's told me he wouldn't have made that decision lightly.
I really don't want us to break up now, but I think he does. And I don't know how this has happened. I don't know when committment became an issue, suppose I just made assumptions.

bills

Well i think yea it is a dealbreaker TBH. Maybe, you are still the one but he just does not want to marry until he is in his thirties. If you both want different things, then thats a problem because either one of you is happy to compromise ar else you have a problem

Miss Fluff

I'm amazed that this has only come to the fore now OP.

What the HELL does he mean by "counting your chickens"? He's dictating terms here. I've seen it all too often girls wait around for 6/7/8 years in suspended animation waiting for a proposal. The couple break up when it doesn't happen. Next thing you know the know, a mere six months down the line he has met someone else and is engaged.

If marriage is that important to you, you would really would want more and deserve more than a vague suggestion that it may or may not happen some day don't you think?

I've been on the other side of the coin and under considerable pressure to get married. If a person is reluctant there is usually a good reason. For me it was that I no longer wanted to be with that person but it took me a while and a marriage proposal to realise it. Call me old-fashioned but if he loves you, doesn't want to lose you and realises how important marriage is to you, then he should be jumping up and down to make you happy tbh....

LegacyUser

There's a very weird culture in the Irish middle class that has this timeline of living together, buying property and then marrying about age 32.

A marriage and a property transaction should not even be mentioned in the same sentence together. That's Celtic Tiger ****. It's over. And it was never right to begin with.

But aside from that... get into couple's counselling. Please do this. www.accord.ie or whoever you choose. This is a big deal, even if you are just in your 20's. You will be taken seriously.

After four years, you have every right to know what its all about.

Generally people who plod along for years ending up plodding until they're both so sick of it that they break up, so don't let anyone tell you you're being unreasonable.

Distorted

nowornever wrote: »

I think he does, eventually, and while I don't want to get married straight away, I have told him that I'd like to be married before I'm 30.
He wants house before get married.
I just feel like all these decisions have been taken out of my hands. When I try to discuss it more, he closes down and tells me we shouldn't even be talking about this stuff now. I am considering leaving him over this.

I don't blame you. He sounds very rigid in his thinking. Who made up the rule you have to buy a house before being married?! Why does it even matter? You are right that he isn't considering your feelings in this. Is he a good boyfriend otherwise? I echo Miss Fluff in that it often seems to be the way that men have a long term girlfriend and theres no marriage, and it goes on for years until she gets fed up and leaves, and then he marries the next one that comes along (who often isn't a patch on the first girlfriend). Its hard to be romantic and think about marriage a decade into a relationship!

Another issue which is probably not so relevant in Ireland right now. I live abroad, and I would struggle to go out with a guy in his mid to late twenties who wasn't yet on the property ladder. I bought my first property when I was 22, which I admit is early, but I've now paid off a huge chunk of my mortgage, instead of giving money away in rent. I would struggle to go out with a guy of say 28 who hadn't yet bought a flat.

Presumably if you buy a house it would be a joint purchase with him? So this is already affecting your long term financial future purely on that basis alone. Its hard to break up with someone but its an awful lot easier than doing when you're past 30 and you have even more ties with them.

Beruthiel

nowornever wrote: »

He says the more he thinks about those things the less he wants it.

If those are his exact words, then I'd be worried.
I'd be asking him to clarify exactly what he means by that.
If he wants something completely different to you in life, then you need to know now so that you can move on.

katie99

Don't panic!

Thirty is young to be marrying these days. Lots of women don't marry until their mid to late 30s.
The fact he wants a house first and then to marry indicates to me that he has his priorities wrong.
I would tell him straight you want to marry and are not prepared to wait a minimum five years.
An ex bf I was with for three years used to say he wasn't ready for lifelong commitment. I turned down an opportunity from another guy I really liked during that time out of loyalty to my bf.
I broke up with my bf and 15 months later regret not accepting a date with the other guy. I knew back then when I met him he made me all weak and excited to see him. And I know that if I went out with him we would probably be engaged to be married now.
I regret it every single day.
So, don't let the grass grow under your feet, if your current bf wants to buy a house first and then wait a few more years before marrying, I believe he is not as committed as you are and it is time to move on.
But don't worry about being 30 and having to marry. If you break up you will want some space and time to yourself, probably at least six months. If you meet a guy then and it works out for you you will probably date six months more before you know if he is for you. So, that's a year. And you probably won't marry for another two years after that. So that is three years.
Don't be hard on yourself, enjoy your life.
One of my gfs married 7 months after meeting her fella and she is blissfully married now 4 years and is as madly in love with him now as she was when she first met him.
So, don't panic!!!

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

If those are his exact words, then I'd be worried.
I'd be asking him to clarify exactly what he means by that.
If he wants something completely different to you in life, then you need to know now so that you can move on.

OP here again. I was worried and rightly so, as he broke up with me, well, kind of on a break. He says he's not even ready for committment of living together. So, he's not ready for the committment he made 3 years ago. I'm absolutely devastated. He says he still loves me, but craves freedom. Don't know what he wants, don't think he knows. All I know is that this break is making me realise just how much I love him. Would prefer if it had opposite effect when I'm dreading that he's going to deciide he wants to be on his own. He says that he wants same things as me, eventually, but not now. Has anyone ever felt like this? Totally afraid of committment? Has anyone gotten over it because they loved someone??

SarahSassy

You poor pet.... Whatever you do dont chase him for a decision. the best thing you can do now is just leave him to it. As hard as it may seem, you will get through this. let him move out (you need your stability) and ask a friend to stay with you for a while. Then just leave him ALONE. Do not contact him and do not think by contacting him he will miss you and want you back. The only way you can handle this is have no contact with him. this way he will either miss you or not...

I have known it to work where guys copped on and came back but the opposite also happens. The best thing you can do for now is to look after no1. If he comes back and has the same goals as you then fine, if not, you will meet someone who has...

Chin up

Miss Fluff

I feel so sorry for you. You must be totally gutted you poor thing. I know it is no consolation my dear but it is better now than you hanging around for another five years and then him turn around and tell you he is not ready.

Totally agree with SarahSassy. You need to look after yourself for now. Surround yourself with loved ones and keep busy.

If he does change his mind, then he will need the space to come to that decision. He may not though, so picking up the pieces and getting on with your own life either way is the priority for you right now.

Hugs x

trio

Then just leave him ALONE. Do not contact him and do not think by contacting him he will miss you and want you back.

+1. If he's feeling overwhelmed by your relationship then you contacting him after you break up will keep him feeling overwhelmed.

And I'm sorry to be brutal but you need to stop thinking of it as being "on a break". He has broken up with you. Past tense. Saying it any other way is giving you false hope. He may have phrased it gently, but that's only to spare your feelings. He wants to be single now. He wants to kiss other girls, sleep with them - see what else is out there.

Heartbreaking for you, but not suprising in a guy in his mid-twenties who's basically been living a married life to all intents and purposes for three years already.

He told you that he doesn't want to settle down for 5 years. Take that as gospel. He meant it. He certainly doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment.

You can change none of those things. You can't change his mind. Trying to keep in his life at the moment, even with "How are you?" texts runs the risk of only making you look like a tragic lonely person that he has to worry about. And who wants to be that girl?

Easier said than done, but you have to at least make a show of being a grown up and wishing him well. You may be crumbling on the inside - but that's what your friends shoulders are for.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your replies. I agree and disagree with many of them. I am not a regular on this site, but find after viewing some of the posts over the last while that generally speaking, the advice is usually to ditch them. I really feel that relationships do take work and I'm not willing to just give up, one way or the other.
In many ways I have realised that what I thought I wanted was put there by other people...when you're in a relationship for a while people start saying stuff about marriage and it's put in your head. The break in my relationship has made me realise that wasn't what I wanted. Not yet. And I'm not willing to put a time limit on it.
We both still love each other and that I feel is a big enough deal to try to work on it.

SarahSassy

nowornever wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies. I agree and disagree with many of them. I am not a regular on this site, but find after viewing some of the posts over the last while that generally speaking, the advice is usually to ditch them. I really feel that relationships do take work and I'm not willing to just give up, one way or the other.
In many ways I have realised that what I thought I wanted was put there by other people...when you're in a relationship for a while people start saying stuff about marriage and it's put in your head. The break in my relationship has made me realise that wasn't what I wanted. Not yet. And I'm not willing to put a time limit on it.
We both still love each other and that I feel is a big enough deal to try to work on it.

I know where you are coming from and I was in the same boat a year ago.. I was willing to give up everything as I made myself believe that it was more important to keep him. What I found out is that he would not do these things with me as he didnt want to and that was the end of it.. You are compromising too much. he is not the only man on the planet and you will find love again but dont comproimise what you want and believe in for someone who is willing to leave you (as he has just done). He has left you cos he doesnt want to commit to you, whether its with kids or a wedding band... Sorry if this is harsh but I wasted valuable time thinking the same as you. If he loved you enough he would sit on a piece of coal for a year to turjn it into a diamongd in order to keep you and make you happy. he is not doing that

larrymickdick

here look - i'm turning 30 in sept - i was in exactly the same position as you are 3 years ago - the girls are right - if you're on a break ignore him - don't answer his calls first time - give him time to miss you - (i'm not saying playing games or messing him about) just take some space for yourself and stop thinking about what he's saying but what you want - that's the most important thing

i found the biggest problem me & my partner had was we were always around each other so he never got a chance to miss me - give him space if that's what he needs cos otherwise he'll resent you and there's no going back from that - best of luck

LegacyUser

Well, just to let ye know that we talked and talked and talked...and decided not to give up on it. In many ways I think it's good to evaluate where you are in a relationship as I think it's so easy to slip into a routine, and become someone you're not either. We're working well so far! Thanks for all the replies.

bills

Really hope it works out for you

SarahSassy

nowornever wrote: »

Well, just to let ye know that we talked and talked and talked...and decided not to give up on it. In many ways I think it's good to evaluate where you are in a relationship as I think it's so easy to slip into a routine, and become someone you're not either. We're working well so far! Thanks for all the replies.

So has he canged his viewpoint on anything at all or have you just agreed not to nag him about your wants?

I guess you went back to him and wanted to get back and agreed to say nothing if he would get back together - am I right?

LegacyUser

The thing you have to consider is this:
You are sacrificing some of your best years on hope. You are sacrificing when/if you get married, when you buy a house, probably when you start a family. All in his name. All major life stages.
Now. What is HE sacrificing for YOU?

SarahSassy

askthequestion wrote: »

The thing you have to consider is this:
You are sacrificing some of your best years on hope. You are sacrificing when/if you get married, when you buy a house, probably when you start a family. All in his name. All major life stages.
Now. What is HE sacrificing for YOU?

+100%

Sacrifice is the word

LegacyUser

Well to be honest, I don't feel I'm sacrificing my "best years" on hope or on anything else. We love each other. We are both young. And I would like to know if it can work. So I think I'd be sacrificing a lot more if we both walked away now. I, by no means, want to settle down now, and after much thought I'd realised that we had pretty much been living the married life for a while. And that's not something that I'm ready for either. If after this time of figuring out if this is what I want, and him figuring out if this is what he wa nts, we decide that it's not what we want, then at least we can both say that we tried our best, and then we can walk away with no regrets. I'm hoping that's not what happens but we are both being honest with each other, and I don't feel as if I'm giving up anything at the moment anyway.

dellas1979

Hi OP,
I do wish you all the best but

it sounds like you've got the fear - i.e. conform to a way of rationalising this out in your head so that you can live with whats going on.

Youve done a complete 360 on what you said in your initial post, went through a break and are now saying it doesnt matter to you.

Just be careful, ok?