Husband shared a bed with female best friend

itsasecret

Hi,

Married nearly two years have a one year old son. My husbands best friend, female is over from America. Last night the two of them went out drinking. I was not invited but they had not seen each other in while and i understand him wanted to hang out with her, he ended up staying over in her hotel room. The thing is he slept in the same bed. There was a chair in the room but he said it was covered in her stuff. He could have got a taxi home but it would have cost a far bit.

I'm very upset. We had talked about this before and i was not against them sharing a room but he knew i was not ok with them sharing a bed. I should say i don't believe anything happened. She is married and good looking but i know he did not cheat.

I feel very let down. He has said he very sorry. Am i making too big a deal out of this? should i forgive and forget?

Neyite

why were you not invited?

why didnt he tell you beforehand if he was going to stay out, given that they knew where they were meeting up and how expensive a taxi would be?

the fact that he did something that he knows you are specifically uncomfortable with, by sleeping in the same bed and then told you all about it sounds like he is messing with your head. you discussed this previously suggests he did this before, you had a problem with it before, and he was clear on how you feel about it. and does not care in the slightest.

is he trying to make you jealous/upset you?

would he be ok with you meeting a good looking male friend, staying out all night, and sharing a bed? if so, then maybe he genuinely thinks its acceptable, if not then its double standards.

Miss Fluff

I think it is fair enough the OP not being invited. It's important to have your own friends and always having your partner with you is not healthy tbh.

What would p1ss me off more than anything OP is the fact that this has obviously happened before and you expressed that you were unhappy then and he did it again.

Question. Did he phone or text you that night to tell you he was not coming home and that he would be spending the night in her room?

Neyite

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I think it is fair enough the OP not being invited. It's important to have your own friends and always having your partner with you is not healthy tbh.

true, but it does depend on whether or not its the norm in their relationship. i always invite the OH, as a general courtesy, however its only once in a blue moon that he would tag along with me and my buddies, and vice versa. some couples socialise seperately, so it really depends on whether this is the rule or the exception to it.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

What would p1ss me off more than anything OP is the fact that this has obviously happened before and you expressed that you were unhappy then and he did it again.

^^ this is the key issue here. i think he clearly disrespected your feelings. so on that note, you have every right to be annoyed, not because you think anything was going on, but because he does not take your feelings into account.

itsasecret

I don't mind not being invited, we did not have a babysitter and i understand that sometimes you want to meet your friend without you partner.

Just to be clear, this is the first time it had happened. We had talked about it in general term, I think there was a tread on boards about something similar, sharing a bed with a female friend when in a relationship and i very strongly expressed that it would make me very uncomfortable.

He did text me at 4 asking would i mind if he stayed out in the hotel and if i would he would come home, He did not mention that there was only a double bed. (i was asleep)

Ickle Magoo

Did he say why he HAD to stay at all? I don't understand that bit. We've both been pretty wrecked at some nights out but at no stage did we think heading to bed with whomever we were drinking with was preferable to going home...

Neyite

itsasecret wrote: »

Just to be clear, this is the first time it had happened. We had talked about it in general term, I think there was a tread on boards about something similar, sharing a bed with a female friend when in a relationship and i very strongly expressed that it would make me very uncomfortable.

ah ok, i assumed from your op that he had gotten his knuckes rapped for it happening previously

how likely is he though to remember you discussing a hypothetical conversation from some time ago, on a night when its 4am and hes had a few scoops? its a bit of a stretch IMO

itsasecret wrote: »

He did text me at 4 asking would i mind if he stayed out in the hotel and if i would he would come home, He did not mention that there was only a double bed. (i was asleep)

so he did text you, and asked if you were ok with it. what if he probably thought that you were ok with sharing a room so what difference if they both pass out on the same bed?

if you trust him, which you say you do, would you not consider it a bit stupid to sleep in a very uncomfortable chair all night when there was space on a bed.

maybe let him off the hook so? it does sound like he didnt know your feelings, and he is sorry?

Gyalist

What are the odds of two best friends, both married to other people, not having any idea of the boundaries that should exist in any committed relationship. Even if he was drunk, did his "best friend" not think that the best place for him should be at home with his wife and child?

Add alcohol to the mix and they both have plausible deniability.

OP, I fear that you are being played for a fool. Have you ever met this best friend in person? Do you not consider, since you are married to each other, that you are his de facto best friend?

Mighty convenient of him to remember to text at 4 in the morning.

Miss Fluff

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Did he say why he HAD to stay at all? I don't understand that bit. We've both been pretty wrecked at some nights out but at no stage did we think heading to bed with whomever we were drinking with was preferable to going home...

+1, I don't understand it either. The OP mentioned a taxi home would be expensive but surely he knew that going out?

OS119

while i understand why it sounds dodgy as fcuk, surely if hubby had been playing hide the sausage and wanted to cover it up (and i'm struggling to imagine why one wouldn't want to cover it up), he would have just said that he'd slept on the floor, or that the American girl had paid for a room for him - or anything other than 'yes, i slept in the same bed as a half-cut woman several thousand miles from her husband...'

crass, foolish, frighteningly insensitive - but not quite the actions of a master deceiver who keeps his wife utterly oblivious to his 'outside activities'.

as for messing with her head - whats the point, whats the reward/objective? all he gets is a wife who thinks he's either a complete knob, or is unfaithful.

not exactly a stellar result is it?

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

What are the odds of two best friends, both married to other people, not having any idea of the boundaries that should exist in any committed relationship. Even if he was drunk, did his "best friend" not think that the best place for him should be at home with his wife and child?

Add alcohol to the mix and they both have plausible deniability.

OP, I fear that you are being played for a fool. Have you ever met this best friend in person? Do you not consider, since you are married to each other, that you are his de facto best friend?

Mighty convenient of him to remember to text at 4 in the morning.

I can tell from this that you either dont have a real REAL best friend of the opposite sex or you dont really trust your partner....My best friend is male and nothing would ever, ever happen between us. We've shared rooms plenty of times before, in college and since and sorry but its way more comfortable to share a bed than for one of us to sleep in a CHAIR, esp when this American girl probably did have her stuff covering it, she was after getting ready for a night out ffs...
If my boyfriend wasnt happy about me staying with my best friend whos only home for America for a short time i would NOT be happy...friendship is for life...
If it was a male friend would you care???
And, sorry, just cause youre married to someone doesnt always make them your best friend, thats just petty. Priority, of course, but there's give and take...

Ickle Magoo

Or perhaps she'll think it's so outrageous to say such a thing that nothing could possibly have gone on? Wouldn't be the first time I've heard someone own up to something crazy and the assumption they wouldn't own up if they'd done anything has been made - and later it's found out not to be the case - not that I'm saying it's necessarily that case here but still, people definitely take advantage of the "if he'd done anything he wouldn't say anything" assumptions and deliberately say it for that reason...

jurgenscarl

OS119 is right.
He probably did not sleep with her.
However he should not be drinking with an old friend and sharing a bed with her.
He should be at home with his wife and child.
The OP should give him a hard time, leave him to sweat and make sure he promises to never allow such a situation to happen ever again.
She needs to lay down the law for once and for all.

jurgenscarl

jurgenscarl wrote: »

OS119 is right.
He probably did not sleep with her.
However he should not be drinking with an old friend and sharing a bed with her.
He should be at home with his wife and child.
The OP should give him a hard time, leave him to sweat and make sure he promises to never allow such a situation to happen ever again.
She needs to lay down the law for once and for all.

It's attitudes like this which lead to divorce.

OP, you're over-reacting. He didn't cheat and you trust him so there is no issue. Perhaps you should try to work on overcoming your discomfort with the idea.

murpho999

jurgenscarl wrote: »

OS119 is right.
He probably did not sleep with her.
However he should not be drinking with an old friend and sharing a bed with her.
He should be at home with his wife and child.
The OP should give him a hard time, leave him to sweat and make sure he promises to never allow such a situation to happen ever again.
She needs to lay down the law for once and for all.

Sorry, what a high and mighty attitude, he should be home with his wife and child? Why, he was only away one night and does not make him a negligent husband or father.

OP, I can understand your feelings, as it is natural to be jealous and suspicious in circumstances like this, and it's a horrible feeling that you often can't suppress but sometimes people are just telling the truth.
I have female friends myself and I know that I would never want anything to happen sexually between us as it would just ruin what has been a good friendship.
I also think if something had happened then he would be telling you more lies, eg the room had two single beds.
Also, don't forget she is married too and there is a chance that she wouldn't be unfaithful either.
In my opinion, marraige is all about trust and realise that not all male-female relationships result in sex. Hope you manage to work this out between you.

blairbear

It doesn't sound to me like he was unfaithful, but I think out of respect for you and your marriage, he shouldn't be sharing a bed with another woman.

I've a male best friend and we travelled together. He had a girlfriend at the time. Nothing would ever happen between us but out of respect for her, we never shared a bed when in hotels etc, even though sometimes we'd to get separate rooms at a greater expense as twin rooms weren't always available.

I'd explain to him rationally that you're just not comfortable with the notion of him sharing a bed with another woman, while not accusing him of anything.

He really should have just come home though, in fairness.

niceoneted

I am thinking why does the best friend need to stay in a hotel.
If my best friend was coming from so far away I would have them stay with me. I appreciate she may want her own space to do her own thing but for a few nights just to catch up stay with friend then get hotel room.

I think it is ok that you were not invited but would expect that if she is here for a while that she would spend time with you all.
I have a few very close male friends and even very drunk nothing would ever happen.

All relationships are different and only you can decide how you want to react if you want to at all.

murpho999

niceoneted wrote: »

I am thinking why does the best friend need to stay in a hotel.
If my best friend was coming from so far away I would have them stay with me. I appreciate she may want her own space to do her own thing but for a few nights just to catch up stay with friend then get hotel room.

I think it is ok that you were not invited but would expect that if she is here for a while that she would spend time with you all.
I have a few very close male friends and even very drunk nothing would ever happen.

All relationships are different and only you can decide how you want to react if you want to at all.

Well OP has a kid, so maybe simply doesn't have room in house for guest!

LegacyUser

a few years back- my ex stayed in same room with 'good friend'. Divorce is going through at the mo.... not good for relationships.....

itsasecret

Thanks everyone.

Feeling a lot better, well apart from being awake at 5 thinking about it.

I know they did not do anything, its not jealously, well not in the way of me not trusting him. Its more, it makes me feel sick thinking of him waking up next to her! I'm not sure why that is?

There is a very good reason why she can't stay here. I won't go into it but it has to do with the baby.

I think over all i'm just disappointed in him. He knew i would not be ok with them sharing a bed and he did it any way. But to be fair to him, he was drunk they were talking, he feel asleep. I can see how it happened.

Its great to hear different view, Thanks everyone.

girlyhappyface

It's great that you've come out the other side of it, OP.

Try not to break it down too much- he didn't wake up in bed with "another woman", it's his bessie mate! Yes, she happens to be a woman, but to him, she's just one of the lads! Think of how many times you slept in a bed with your best friend- it's exactly like that.

One of my best friends is a bloke, and although my boyf isn;t thrilled with knowing I sometimes sleep in a bed with him, he understands that it's just the same as if it was my female best mate. There are no sexual feelings involved at all!

fungun

Agree with blairbear...prob nothing happened but out of respect neither of them should really be sharing a bed with others...but depends on where the boundaries are being set in your reln, all relns are different

itsasecret wrote: »

I think over all i'm just disappointed in him. He knew i would not be ok with them sharing a bed and he did it any way.

Id be disappointed too....you dont forget you are married when you are drunk. But its forgivable if you trust him.

Im intrigued by:

itsasecret wrote: »

There is a very good reason why she can't stay here. I won't go into it but it has to do with the baby.

If she is a really good friend then i cannot think of any reason why she cant stay over, or be on a couch or sth despite a baby. Is there more to this?

OS119

fungun wrote: »

Id be disappointed too....you dont forget you are married when you are drunk....

if he/they had 'forgot' they (seperately) were married he would have been up to his nuts in her, not just drunkenly collapsing on the same bed.

he didn't forget he was married, he didn't shag her, he wasn't inappropriate, he just failed to plan ahead, and then did something that was entirely innocent but makes his wife feel a little uncomfortable for a reason she knows is a bit daft, but can't quite get rid of.

he says sorry for making her uncomfortable, and tries to plan things better next time. end of story, job jobbed.

when the OP says 'theres a good reason she couldn't stay with us' i take that to be an innocent, genuine reason, not that she won't have this girl in the house because she makes a pass at anything over 17, or that she drinks the blood of young children.

Virgil°

I have to say i disagree with the previous poster that the OP is being daft in feeling uneasy.
This is one of those things that isn't really cheating(or even in the same league as cheating) but is inappropriate all the same.
The reason you feel uneasy OP is because what he did with this girl is one of the things that fall under(at least for me) one of the little nuances that being a couple facilitates. Eg: sitting on someones lap, waking up in a bed next to someone else, holding hands etc... .All that kinda thing that are a small step above the platonic.Small(but important) stuff that should really be reserved for you and you alone.
Only exacerbated further by his dismissal of your feelings.Ie he knew you wouldn't like it and did it anyway. I wouldn't accept the drunk excuse either OP if he cant act with respect to you when he drinks then he shouldn't really be drinking.

fungun

i understand what you mean OS - but I cannot actually think of any genuine reason why even with a baby a genuine friend could not stay over

he didn't forget he was married, he didn't shag her, he wasn't inappropriate, he just failed to plan ahead, and then did something that was entirely innocent but makes his wife feel a little uncomfortable for a reason she knows is a bit daft, but can't quite get rid of.

he didnt shag her, but i think he was inappropriate.....unless their reln was in general like that which it doesnt sound like it was

itsasecret

Just to clear up why she cant stay. She is a smoker. She stayed here earlier this year and our son got eczema. One of the reasons is linked to smoke. I have no idea weather or not it was the cause or not. But we (my husband and i) both decided that it would be better for him not to be around a smoker on a daily basic.

ted1

i've a few very close girl friends who i might share a bed with. I can saw for positive that nothing would ever happen between us. I actually feel weird having to say that. As that implies its being thought of. ↲he is your husband so trust him. If you don't well then grow up. What's a relationship with out trust?

There is good and bad things here.

Like Miss Fluff I see nothing wrong with the OP not being invited. We do not have to share ALL our friends with our other halves. There is some “us” space too.

The good I see in this is that he did not hide anything that happened. He could very easily have said he slept on the room’s sofa. The man is honest and that is a good thing and something to work with and be proud of.

However the bad is that the OP has laid down clear boundaries and he crossed them. This IS a bad thing and only the OP can decide for herself if it is a deal breaker. People on here will give advice in both directions based on what THEY want from a relationship.

In other words people who think this is a deal breaker in their relationship criteria, will tell the OP to drop him without forgiveness, and those who do no will not.

From your posts, and from your referencing of another thread about this very subject, it sounds like you are judging whether YOU are over reacting by the opinions of other people. This is not a good way to do it.

We all want different things when it comes to a relationship. We all have criteria that are “not important” some that are “totally important” and some that are “nice to have”. You need to decide for yourself which one of these your boundaries about “bed sharing” lie in and from there decide if this was a forgivable act or not.

Most of us, myself included, can only talk from our own perspectives. I know in my relationship the only thing we rank under the “totally important” section is honestly. Everything else is secondary. It has to be that way because I am in a slightly weird situation with 3 of us in the relationship instead of 2.

Sharing beds with friends is something that is actually very common with us. We always tell each other when we do it and we always trust each other than nothing happened. One recent example was when I was at a friend’s house and she was TOTALLY down on herself for her looks which is amazing because she is one of the prettiest girls I know. She was really upset though, some guys had said stuff and made her really down on herself. At one point I finally turned her around on the whole thing. I knelt in front of her where she had been sitting on the floor, took her face in my hands, and kissed her… I pulled back and then kissed her again on the nose, the forehead and then pulled back and looking into her eyes I said “You are incredibly beautiful, any guy would be lucky to have you, even that one kiss just made me the luckiest guy for miles around”. It completely changed her right there on the spot.

When I told the girls the next day I was afraid they might have been upset I kissed her, but I was totally honest about the whole thing. Their response was along the lines of “That was such a nice thing to do or say, she really needed that, it must have really helped her” and it was all ok.

So from our perspective your relationship is fine and you are “over reacting”, because from our perspective this is all kosher and ok and we are fine with it. However as I said you can not judge your relationship by our perspective, nor that of anyone else on this thread. We know what makes our relationship work, we know where our boundaries are, but they can be different to yours. No ones boundaries are the “correct” ones and therefore no one being upset that theirs have been crossed are, like you said, “over reacting” just because other people think it is all ok and fine.

You need to decide if he crossed a line you can not forgive, and then take it from there. Come back to the thread and tell us what you think? How important a boundary was this for you? Very? Totally? Forgivable? Not?

And if it is forgivable you need to still explain to him WHY you were upset. To him it might be an innocent act, just like me sharing beds with girls or kissing that girl is fine in my relationship, but your boundaries are different to mine, and maybe to his, and you need to explain that different people HAVE these different boundaries, and he needs to not only be aware of them, but respect them and then judge his own actions in the light of your boundaries, not his own.

Elle Collins

itsasecret wrote: »

Its more, it makes me feel sick thinking of him waking up next to her! I'm not sure why that is?

You feel sick at the thought of him waking up next to her because it is an intimacy that is very symbolic of a close sexual relationship between two people. Your being uncomfortable with it is the most natural thing in the world.

My advice to you is to tell your husband to put the shoe on the other foot and cop the fuk on.

OS119

Elle Collins wrote: »

You feel sick at the thought of him waking up next to her because it is an intimacy that is very symbolic of a close sexual relationship between two people. Your being uncomfortable with it is the most natural thing in the world.

My advice to you is to tell your husband to put the shoe on the other foot and cop the fuk on.

and what if, for him, it wouldn't be a big issue - what if he doesn't load otherwise innocent practicalities with meanings beyond the factual?

what if he puts the shoe on the other foot, and says 'yeah, so what..'?

all you have achieved is to portray the OP as a screaming harpy with hang-ups and a problem with facts that she accepts.

well done - no, really...

Elle Collins

OS119 wrote: »

and what if, for him, it wouldn't be a big issue - what if he doesn't load otherwise innocent practicalities with meanings beyond the factual?

what if he puts the shoe on the other foot, and says 'yeah, so what..'?

If he'd be fine with the situation in reverse (which I very much doubt) that doesn't erase his obligation to treat his wife's feelings with consideration. Nor does it free him of the need to take stock of the situation when he's done something to cause her to feel "sick".

Emme

itsasecret wrote: »

Hi,

Married nearly two years have a one year old son. My husbands best friend, female is over from America. Last night the two of them went out drinking. I was not invited but they had not seen each other in while and i understand him wanted to hang out with her, he ended up staying over in her hotel room. The thing is he slept in the same bed. There was a chair in the room but he said it was covered in her stuff. He could have got a taxi home but it would have cost a far bit.

I'm very upset. We had talked about this before and i was not against them sharing a room but he knew i was not ok with them sharing a bed. I should say i don't believe anything happened. She is married and good looking but i know he did not cheat.

I feel very let down. He has said he very sorry. Am i making too big a deal out of this? should i forgive and forget?

I think what the OP's husband did was out of order. I dumped a boyfriend for the same reason. He cancelled a date an hour in advance because a female friend of his came up from the country unannounced. They got wasted together and she ended up sleeping in his bed. I went up to his the next morning and he told me - she was still in his bed sleeping off the hangover. He said nothing happened but I still dumped him there and then. It wasn't the first time he'd stayed in the same bed as a female friend but it was under different circumstances the other time.

I think the OP should let her husband know she isn't impressed with what he did, particularly when they have a small baby at home. He could either have got a room for himself at the hotel or got a taxi (the costs would work out similar, I imagine).

If the OP had been invited and decided not to go it might be a different story, but when she WASN'T invited she definitely has grounds to be annoyed. It sounds to me like this woman is playing games with the OP's husband, married in America or not. Why couldn't she have come over to Ireland with her husband and the two couples met up somewhere?

What is the state of your husband's friend's marriage, OP? I would be getting seriously worried if your husband plans on taking a trip to the States on his own to visit her.

Kimia

Deleted User wrote: »

One recent example was when I was at a friend’s house and she was TOTALLY down on herself for her looks which is amazing because she is one of the prettiest girls I know. She was really upset though, some guys had said stuff and made her really down on herself. At one point I finally turned her around on the whole thing. I knelt in front of her where she had been sitting on the floor, took her face in my hands, and kissed her… I pulled back and then kissed her again on the nose, the forehead and then pulled back and looking into her eyes I said “You are incredibly beautiful, any guy would be lucky to have you, even that one kiss just made me the luckiest guy for miles around”. It completely changed her right there on the spot.

Hang on, you did this while you were in a relationship with someone else? I would totally NOT be cool with this.

Op, he was completely out of line. Completely. I would be very upset and so would my bf if I did it. End of.

itsasecret

Thank you again to everyone who has answered.

Its a very difficult one for me. I think if we had not had talks about it before then it would not even be a issue i would just say I'm not comfortable with that, please don't do it again but he accepts that he knew i would not be happy with it and is sorry. His point is that he A) did not mean to fall asleep has no idea if she even got into the bed when he was there, as she was up when he woke.

At the end of the day its not cheating and i know we will get past it.

Cheap Thrills!

itsasecret wrote: »

Thank you again to everyone who has answered.

Its a very difficult one for me. I think if we had not had talks about it before then it would not even be a issue i would just say I'm not comfortable with that, please don't do it again but he accepts that he knew i would not be happy with it and is sorry. His point is that he A) did not mean to fall asleep has no idea if she even got into the bed when he was there, as she was up when he woke.

At the end of the day its not cheating and i know we will get past it.

What is damaged perhaps beyond repair is my friendship with her. This is not the first time she has been an issue between us and i'm pretty sure at this point i don't want to make an effort with her. Which leaves her and my husband going out to dinner on there own, which may have been what she wanted from the start. (Just to be clear i don't think she wants my husband to be with her, but i think she would rather if he was free to be at her beck and call)

Well called I think.

Just one thing, he doesn't have to go to dinner with her. If you're all out of understanding, say so. It would be different from being controlling. It would just be you saying. I'm troubled about this sh!t, show me some faith here.

Loads of people will probably say I'm wrong but I think at this stage if you're not comfortable with her then you have every right to say so.

What he does about that is his choice. All you can do is think about what you are comfortable with and how you feel.

All the very best though, I hope in this case he will be able to see through her. I don't think it's ok for me (in a long term relationship) to share a bed with my married male 'best friend'. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I would send the fella home in a taxi and call his wife.

Chinafoot

I personally don't see gender when it comes to my platonic friendships. For me crashing out drunk in the same bed as a friend is no big deal regardless of what sex they are, because they are my friend and nothing more. I would feel the same way about my boyfriend and any of his friends.

OP, is there some jealousy of their friendship on your part? I know you trust him and don't believe anything would happen but do you feel threatened by their friendship? If the friend was a bloke would you have a problem?

Kimia

Kimia wrote: »

Hang on, you did this while you were in a relationship with someone else? I would totally NOT be cool with this.

Op, he was completely out of line. Completely. I would be very upset and so would my bf if I did it. End of.

Exactly the point I am making. The fact is every relationship is made up of different people with different personal boundaries. It is all about boundaries. There is no written in stone rule for how people in a relationship must act.

One persons “That is ok” is another persons “I am so not ok with that”.

There is no “end of” as you put it. It is entirely down to the people in the relationship in question and you can not judge the actions of people in relationship X, by what the people in relationship Y want.

It is up to the OP and the OP alone to decide where the boundaries are that SHE wants in her relationship, and to explain to this guy that what he did crossed them. An answer from him such as “But people do this all the time” would not be good enough. It is not about what OTHER people do.

itsasecret

itsasecret wrote: »

At the end of the day its not cheating and i know we will get past it.

I hope you do. It sounds like he was very honest with you, and that is a wonderful thing in itself.

However as I said in my longer post above, you should not just get over it, you should explain the concept of boundaries to him. Something that might seem innocent to him may still cross YOUR boundaries. He has to understand that his boundaries are not yours, and why it is so important in a relationship to respect each others. Him yours, and you his.

fungun

This is not the first time she has been an issue between us

Sorry but this line changes *everything*.

I can understand the falling asleep bit. I can understand if he didnt realise you might be this upset and has apologised and realised not to do this in future.
But to be in the same bed as a woman your wife has already had issues with crosses the line.

If you feel like you are in 'competition' with his woman and feel she want more out of her reln with your husband than you want your husband to share with another woman then you need to discuss this with him and remind him where his primary loyalty must lie - with you.
If it was me Id be saying to that he must draw appropriate boundaries with her and not cross them...EVER...or else choose his marriage or this friendship.

OS119

Deleted User wrote: »

I hope you do. It sounds like he was very honest with you, and that is a wonderful thing in itself.

However as I said in my longer post above, you should not just get over it, you should explain the concept of boundaries to him. Something that might seem innocent to him may still cross YOUR boundaries. He has to understand that his boundaries are not yours, and why it is so important in a relationship to respect each others. Him yours, and you his.

there's the problem, there can only be one set of boundaries in a relationship but there are two people, most likely each with their own very different ideas about what those boundaries should be - unless you you want a different set of boundaries for each person that respect the views of the other: in this case you'd have the wife 'allowed' to cadge in a room with a male platonic friend because hubby doesn't mind, while hubby can't do exactly the same thing because his wife does mind...

obviously in this case the situation is somewhat skewed because of the past history that the OP describes in he subsequently removed paragragh:

"What is damaged perhaps beyond repair is my friendship with her. This is not the first time she has been an issue between us and i'm pretty sure at this point i don't want to make an effort with her. Which leaves her and my husband going out to dinner on there own, which may have been what she wanted from the start. (Just to be clear i don't think she wants my husband to be with her, but i think she would rather if he was free to be at her beck and call)"

however, what remains in a fundamental mismatch between what one person in the relationship genuinely believes is innocent and not inappropriate, while the other genuinely believes it to be inappropriate and rubbing against one of the 'holy of holies' of a committed adult relationship.

only one persons view can prevail (unless of course you just add deception into the heady brew), either one person is 'forced' to live with things they find uncomfortable, or the other is restricted by what they see as the completely irrational whims of the other.

i don't think there is a 'right' answer in this case - although if trust is genuinely absolute, they could try a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy...

Elle Collins

OS119 wrote: »

there's the problem, there can only be one set of boundaries in a relationship but there are two people,

Sorry but this is nonsense. In any relationship (and not necessarily an intimate one) there are going to be two sets of boundaries purely resting on the basis that there are two people involved. The way to proceed here is very simple: The two people involved need to respect each other's boundaries, and where boundaries clash (as they sometimes inevitably will) the two people need to talk out the situation fully and reach a point on which they can both agree.

In this case it is a boundary of the OP's that her partner does not get into bed with other women. If while discussing this it transpired her husband was prepared to disregard that boundary because he prioritised being able to get into bed with other women above his own wifes feelings, well then I'd be telling her to get the hell out of that excuse for a marriage.

OS119

Elle Collins wrote: »

Sorry but this is nonsense. In any relationship (and not necessarily an intimate one) there are going to be two sets of boundaries purely resting on the basis that there are two people involved. The way to proceed here is very simple: The two people involved need to respect each other's boundaries, and where boundaries clash (as they sometimes inevitably will) the two people need to talk out the situation fully and reach a point on which they can both agree.

In this case it is a boundary of the OP's that her partner does not get into bed with other women. If while discussing this it transpired her husband was prepared to disregard that boundary because he prioritised being able to get into bed with other women above his own wifes feelings, well then I'd be telling her to get the hell out of that excuse for a marriage.

simplistic tripe.

would the reaction be the same if he shared a floor with a woman?

or shared a floor with a woman while others were present?

or shared a small tent with a woman?

or shared a larger tent with a woman, with others also sleeping in that tent?

how about a cinema or theatre?

or an Alpine hut or bunkhouse - everyone sleeps on a single platform in sleeping bags, no privacy, no separation?

or the dark, secluded recess of a crowded, noisy pub where almost anything could be said or done in absolute privacy?

none of those things are 'in bed with another woman' but all of them offer the opportunity for inappropriate behaviour - not to mention outright shagging - do you ban them all, or do you just say "i trust my husband/wife/lover, and i know that if girls aloud/oceans 11 walked in to their hotel room wearing nothing but double cream and a dirty look my husband/wife/lover would fight them off with a sh1tty stick"?

if you can say that then where they sleep and in who's company is a complete irrelevance, if you can't then you don't/can't trust them and shouldn't be in a relationship with them - in which case where and with whom they sleep with will still be an irrelevance....

LegacyUser

itsasecret wrote: »

sharing a bed with a female friend when in a relationship and i very strongly expressed that it would make me very uncomfortable.

It would worry me if I had to EXPLAIN to my partner that it's wrong to sleep in another woman's bed. Why did you have cause to bring this up with your husband, OP? It sounds like a strange thing to discuss. Is he the type to do things that upset you, say sorry and hope you just bite your tongue yet again? You have to be very clear about what you like and don't like. You told him you don't want him sharing a bed with another woman (although I'm at a loss as to why something like that needs to be explained in the first place), then he went ahead and shared a bed with another woman. He has no respect for you, and he will continue to have no respect until you show him that you mean business. Go away for a short holiday to gather your thoughts. Let him know that the reason you're going is to clear your mind, that what he has done has upset you and you want to figure out your future.

Don't deny to yourself that you're extremely hurt by his actions. Just because he's been 'honest' (mar dhea) doesn't mean that he has absolved himself of any wrong doing.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

none of those things are 'in bed with another woman' but all of them offer the opportunity for inappropriate behaviour - not to mention outright shagging - do you ban them all, or do you just say "i trust my husband/wife/lover, and i know that if girls aloud/oceans 11 walked in to their hotel room wearing nothing but double cream and a dirty look my husband/wife/lover would fight them off with a sh1tty stick"?

In fairness, I'd say the OP's husband would welcome them, then go back to his wife and say 'Sorry, did I do wrong?'.

That's the issue here, not the fact that she wants to control her husband, or doesn't trust him. (although his antics leave a lot of questions in the air, so I wouldn't blame her if she didn't trust him!)

Ickle Magoo

OS119 wrote: »

simplistic tripe....

Sorry OS119, I think you are the one using a rather simplistic argument here.

There is no reason why the OP's husband should ever have been in the position of sharing a bed with this woman. This is someone who has caused issues in their marriage before and now despite not discussing beforehand and having the means to get home, he chooses to share a bed in a hotel with this woman rather than go home to his wife and family. That's the kind of disrespecting of boundaries, thoughtlessness and warped priorities that leads to relationships falling apart and the complete break-down of trust.

You seem to be inferring that your spouse choosing to spend the night in someone's hotel room rather than go home is akin to going to the cinema or theatre with someone, which is just silly. You can trust a partner and still be hurt and angry that when given the choice to respect your boundaries and prior discussions or spend the night with another man/woman, they chose the latter.

OS119

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Sorry OS119, I think you are the one using a rather simplistic argument here.

There is no reason why the OP's husband should ever have been in the position of sharing a bed with this woman. This is someone who has caused issues in their marriage before and now despite not discussing beforehand and having the means to get home, he chooses to share a bed in a hotel with this woman rather than go home to his wife and family. That's the kind of disrespecting of boundaries, thoughtlessness and warped priorities that leads to relationships falling apart and the complete break-down of trust.

You seem to be inferring that your spouse choosing to spend the night in someone's hotel room rather than go home is akin to going to the cinema or theatre with someone, which is just silly. You can trust a partner and still be hurt and angry that when given the choice to respect your boundaries and prior discussions or spend the night with another man/woman, they chose the latter.

while i wouldn't disagree that crass insensitivity was involved, you fail to note that the alternatives (and i would agree that wrapping himself in a blanket and hitting the couch would have been better for all concerned) may have looked rather worse at 1am while well over the drink-drive limit and a long way from home.

perhaps he literally didn't have the €200 to fritter away on another hotel room after deciding he was too drunk or tired to drive home, perhaps he didn't have, or wasn't prepared to spend, the taxi money - the OP alluded to the fact that the taxi bill would have been significant - or, perhaps, even worse, he thought that by going to her room, quaffing back the coffee and having a little nap he'd be ok to drive home at 4am.

this was bad non-existant planning, and it was crass - but if we take the OP's word that there was no cheating, or attempted cheating involved, then it was innocent.

that doesn't mean that because of the 'vibes' the other woman gives off the OP shouldn't have a serious conversation with her hubby about her concerns about the womans behaviour, and a further - in theory unrelated one - about the importance of him planning how he's going to get home after a night on the sauce.

Ickle Magoo

He surely to goodness considered how he was to get home prior to going out and I can't believe the cost of a taxi magically changed in the time it took him to go out and suggest to his wife he would be home that night and 4am the following morning.

I find it a ridiculous assumption that a grown man can't think through the implications of choosing to stay overnight in a hotel with a female friend over going home to his wife regardless of the volume of sauce ingested - especially if this isn't the first time such behaviour has been an issue between them.

metrovelvet

I think the real problem here is how she's going to communicate this effectively without hubby getting in his high horse about feeling controlled.

fungun

OS I find your thoughts bewildering, am wondering are you just trying to wind people up. You seem to be placing all of your values on his honesty and the fact that nothing actually happened as opposed to the fact that he should (as a husband) actually care about his wifes feelings on the matter. A once off whilst drunk I could understand...but to do this with a woman your wife has already had issues with shows a complete lack of respect for his wifes feelings.

(To suggest that he didnt have or didnt want to spend the taxi money after already spending money on a dinner + enough drinks to be that drunk with this woman shows, at a minimum, misplaced priorities.)

OS119

fungun wrote: »

OS I find your thoughts bewildering, am wondering are you just trying to wind people up. You seem to be placing all of your values on his honesty and the fact that nothing actually happened as opposed to the fact that he should (as a husband) actually care about his wifes feelings on the matter. A once off whilst drunk I could understand...but to do this with a woman your wife has already had issues with shows a complete lack of respect for his wifes feelings.

(To suggest that he didnt have or didnt want to spend the taxi money after already spending money on a dinner + enough drinks to be that drunk with this woman shows, at a minimum, misplaced priorities.)

i place the emphasis on his honesty for two reasons - which i've mentioned earlier on in the thread: a) his wife says 'yes, i know its dodgy as fcuk, but i genuinely don't believe there's an infidelity problem', and b) if he had slipped the American girl a length, he'd be very unlikely to tell the story he did - he'd have made up something that sounded an awful lot better.

people, shockingly, don't have an infinite supply of money - he may have, like a big-timing idiot - blown a far larger proportion of his available cash on the dinner and drinks than he had budgeted for and simply didn't have the money for either another room or a taxi. he may also, as many people do when drunk, screwed up his decision making process - something that was acceptable while sober, like a €40 taxi ride - may have become an appalling insult not to be suffered after 5 pints and a chaser.

personally i do think its dodgy as fcuk, and i wouldn't be remotely surprised if either he had shagged her, or gone to her room thinking he was on a promise - but the OP is the one who knows him best, if she believes that her didn't have any kind of sexual encounter with her, and didn't want one, then she - and we - have to believe the situation, while less than ideal, was innocent.

stinkle

OP - glad to have read that you're being rational about it. there's one thing you mentioned that is niggling at m though - you said something about how she wants him at her beck and call...how bad is she at that? especially if she lives in America now?

my OH had a "friend" like that, I knew her as a "friend" too, but agh she was one of those girls who LOVED being queen bee among her male friends. Never showed any interest in any of them till they'd get a girlfriend, then suddenly it'd be "oh woe is me, I secretly fancy him" and would also slag off the girlfriends and point out how "they hate me for no reason". She tried to pull a few stunts on me when me and the OH got together first, but having seen her behaviour before, I was all too aware of what she was like. Nonetheless, she was such a fool that I was never concerned about cheating, just irritated by the lack of respect for other people's relationships, in particular my own!

Is your OH's friend a bit like that? What I can't understand is why they went on a bender so far away from where you live that the cab fare home was too expensive. did he not realise that at the time? you guys have a baby for goodness sake, im sure money's not growing on trees! it might be that he cant stand up to her, but he should be prioritising his family. A real best friend would understand any wife/baby reasons to not meet up/meet up close to your home/not go med on the drink