Help - your thoughts please

hollygirl08

I saw somewhere on here but now can't find the thread the subject of tall women with shorter guys and tall guys with shorter girls. I've always gone out with guys that are taller than me. I'm 5 7' so it's not that tall in the scheme of things. I've been single now for a while and have to say that anytime I've been chatted up on a night out it's always by guys who are smaller than me... I've been wearing semi flat wedges each night this has happened, so it seems heels are out!! Met this lovely guy a couple of weeks ago, same story. Met up with him the weekend. Had a great night, fab personality, really easy to talk to and gorgeous. The problem is that he's same height as me in my flats and very very thin. My head is wrecked because I do tend to go for a prefer men with a bit of meat on them aswell as being taller than me. My friends are ready to hit me and keep saying I have to give up on what "my type" is. OK fair enough "my type" hasn't worked out before. Just wondering what your views are on this. Don't want to go out with him "just for the sake of being with someone" and would worry that I'd end up checking out the meatier guys in the vicinity. I know I sound bad and sizeist in my comments but I just don't think I can get past it. Anyone else have similar issue and if so what have you done??? Many thanks in advance.

akamossy

If you like him, I don't see a problem!! I'm 5'10 myself and I have gone out with guys shorter than me and taller than me. I've no issue with either really, although I did prefer when they were taller but I wouldn't discriminate if I liked the guy

SugarHigh

So you can't see past one flaw?
are you perfect?

hollygirl08

SugarHigh,
I'm most definitely not perfect myself and I don't class his height as a flaw! It's just that my preference would be if the guy were a bit taller than me with a little more meat on his bones.

g'em

SugarHigh wrote: »

So you can't see past one flaw?
are you perfect?

it's not a flaw, it's a difference in preference. And tbh everyone is entitled to do that - we all make choices about people based on our own personal preferences, if we didn't we'd all be matched with anything and anyone

OP the problem with 'types' is that we tend to discard people when they don't conform to an ideal, and you might just risk throwing out a diamond among the rough by doing so.

Attractiveness in a personal is important, of course it is, but a person's personality is equally (and imho) more important.

hollygirl08 wrote:

Met this lovely guy a couple of weeks ago, same story. Met up with him the weekend. Had a great night, fab personality, really easy to talk to and gorgeous.

He sounds like quite the catch tbh, and you're a lucky girl Don't write him off because he's a little slimmer than you'd like. Give him a chance and get to know him - chances are if you guys keep hitting it off the height and body frame thing will pale into significance and you'll thank your lucky stars that you didn't lose out on a good thing.

If you keep seeing each other and you really, really can't get over the image issues though, let him go for another girl to enjoy his company.

Malari

Was going to say pretty much the same as g'em above, but I would just be paraphrasing her spot-on post!

rebel10

Op, honestly I don't know why you are worried. Just because you have a "type" doesn't mean you have to always find a man who falls into this category! Have you ever not found yourself attracted to someone for reasons other than physical features? Sometimes I shock myself when i find myself liking a guy who normally I wouldn't classify as attractive, but thats because I find thats a guys personality is more endearing and more captivating than looks.
5'7, I would say you are average in terms of height. I'm 5'5, and considered small amongst my friends. Height would never become an issue for me as it really isin't important to me, what is important is that i like the guy;)

jellie

Are you attracted to him?

If you fancy him, great
If you dont, dont try force yourself to because you feel you should.

ztoical

I could describe the "type" of guy I'm attracted to then show you pictures of the last 3 guys I dated and none of them fit that "type". Everyone has a general collection of traits like height, build, shape etc that they would describe as being attractive that doesn't mean you can't fall for someone not fitting any of those traits. The world is funny like that

If you fancy someone then go out with them end of, it may go no where or they may end up being the love of your life, you'll never know unless you give them a chance.

Novella

If you're not attracted to him because of his height or because he is slim, that's fair enough. Different people have different preferences. While personally I can't imagine I'd ever write anyone off for being shorter than me, or for being my height, if it actually bothers you, okay.

If I met someone I thought was a really good person, I think I'd be able to see past a lot of things really. So many things are more important to me than the physical and imo, it's hard to find a person who is nice, understanding, caring etc., and in my book that is just so much more of a factor than appearance.

Seriously though, if this is an issue for you already, I don't think things would work out. Doubts aren't a good thing. If you want a tall guy, you want a tall guy. If that's your priority, don't settle. Just like I wouldn't settle for someone who was self absorbed, or someone who didn't listen, you shouldn't settle for less than what you want either.

hollygirl08

Thanks for the replies, I think he's a fabulous guy, super personality, a gentleman and has a gorgeous face. Do I fancy him, unfortunately I don't. Had a bit of a kiss and tbh I didn't really "feel" it if you catch my drift. I've gone out with a couple of guys last year who I felt weren't really for me just to keep my well meaning friends quiet and I ended up feeling awful having to end things as a result. I am however afraid that I could be writing him off because of a stupid insignificant reason. I know only to well how difficult it is to meet decent guys out there. I've had my fair share of not so good relationships, ones where the guys were "my type" and others when they were not. Oh I just dunno. I guess I'm just afraid to get into something when I'm just not sure I can give 100% to it.

SugarHigh

g'em wrote: »

it's not a flaw, it's a difference in preference. And tbh everyone is entitled to do that - we all make choices about people based on our own personal preferences, if we didn't we'd all be matched with anything and anyone

I don't see a difference. If someone matched all your preferences you would think they were perfect for you and therefore if someone doesn't meet one of these preferences they are flawed in your eyes and they don't match up.

I think you just like using the term preferences because you think it sounds less harsh.

Their is nothing wrong with having preferences but expecting someone to tick all your box's and not being able to look past one box is ridiculous in my opinion.

This video shows completely average women who seem to think they deserve perfection and they were all left disappointed. I think there is a problem where everyone thinks they deserve the best. Average people no longer find average people attractive.

g'em

SugarHigh wrote: »

I don't see a difference. If someone matched all your preferences you would think they were perfect for you and therefore if someone doesn't meet one of these preferences they are flawed in your eyes and they don't match up.

I think you just like using the term preferences because you think it sounds less harsh.

Nope, it's because I don't see it as a defect. 'Flaw' indicates a defect, and that's what you chose to all it, which I personally don't think it is. A preference is an entirely subjective thing, and I don't call things which are not my preference defects. It's entirely subjective.

SugarHigh wrote:

Their is nothing wrong with having preferences but expecting someone to tick all your box's and not being able to look past one box is ridiculous in my opinion.

I think it's cutting off your nose to spite your face too, but I can understand why people do it.

SugarHigh wrote:

This video shows completely average women who seem to think they deserve perfection and they were all left disappointed. I think there is a problem where everyone thinks they deserve the best. Average people no longer find average people attractive.

But the OP isn't talking about the "best", she's talking about her personal preference, you're the one bringing rights and wrongs into it.

SugarHigh

g'em wrote: »

Nope, it's because I don't see it as a defect. 'Flaw' indicates a defect, and that's what you chose to all it, which I personally don't think it is. A preference is an entirely subjective thing, and I don't call things which are not my preference defects. It's entirely subjective.

I think it's cutting off your nose to spite your face too, but I can understand why people do it.

But the OP isn't talking about the "best", she's talking about her personal preference, you're the one bringing rights and wrongs into it.

What gets considered a flaw like you said is entirely subjective based on what your preferences deem to be a perfect match for you and if someone doesn't match up to this then you obviously view them as having a defect otherwise they would match up. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this I was just pointing out that having such strict rules based on things like height and weight is just silly. It would be like having a cut off point for how much the guy should be earning.

But the OP isn't talking about the "best", she's talking about her personal preference,

But that is talking about the best, it's what she considers to be the best. Since "the best" is subjective it's different based on everyone's own preferences. She wants what she considers to be the cream of the crop and just assumes she deserves it. I'm saying that it's not very likely that she will tick every box for someone else and that they will make allowances for her so I think she should do the same for other people. Fair enough if their are certain things you don't want to make allowances for like if they were bad people to pick out something like height is just ridiculous.

It also seems to me that the main reason she has a problem with his height is because she thinks it doesn't look as good when she goes out. She seems to be looking for a fashion accessory that will look good beside her even when she wears the biggest heels.

hollygirl08

Well said G'em,
Sugar High, I don't think for one minute I deserve perfection (as you call it). I'm not stupid/naive enough to think it exists in me or anyone else for that matter. I just know who I'm attracted to and also know who I'm not. From your point of view this seems to be some sort of crime! I am an average looking person myself and have in the past gone out with average looking men. I have never gone for what some would call classically good looking men. A great personality and sense of humour are obviously hugely important also but I'm afraid I am one of those people who feels the need for some sort of chemistry/spark. Maybe I'm wrong and this is why I'm still single. Or maybe it's because I just haven't met my Mr. Right (for me) yet. Maybe he exists, maybe he doesn't. I'm sorry if I've offended you or anyone else with my original post but at the end of the day, opinions were all I was after, so thanks for yours although I think you're being a tad harsh....

Ickle Magoo

SugarHigh wrote: »

I don't see a difference. If someone matched all your preferences you would think they were perfect for you and therefore if someone doesn't meet one of these preferences they are flawed in your eyes and they don't match up.

No, not flawed, just not their "type" - there is world of difference between being perfect for someone and being perfect period, just as there is a world of difference between not ticking all the boxes for a particular individual and being flawed as a person. Eg, I always go for dark haired guys with broad shoulders, always, that's the look that really does it for me. Do I think blondes are somehow flawed? Unattractive even? No! They just aren't dark haired and so they just don't do "it" for me, whatever "it" is.

OP,

Just give him a go, what do you have to lose? He may not be your usual type but if you find him attractive and like everything else about him then I think you'll stop noticing his height or build once you get used to it.

Best of luck

Contessa Raven

I don't have any personal experience myself because I'm only 5"2' but one of my best friends has been with her boyfriend for 2 years. She's 5"7' and he's 5"2'!

She was so paranoid about the height for the first couple of months but now she hardly notices it. She loves him now and she can see past it.

I think it's perfectly alright to have a preference for a certain type! You can't help who you're attracted to! However, if this guy is as great as you say it wouldn't do any harm to see where it goes. You could go on a date or two and if it still bothers you then you can end things before anyone gets hurt.

Good luck!

forestfruits

I think if your asking a question like that your not actually that interested in him and are looking for a reason not to be interested! Maybe its just your natural reaction- to look for a problem with an otherwise lovely guy- give it a while then make your decision.

ps I absolutely dwarf the OH when im in heels and I love it!:D

SugarHigh

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

No, not flawed, just not their "type" - there is world of difference between being perfect for someone and being perfect period, just as there is a world of difference between not ticking all the boxes for a particular individual and being flawed as a person. Eg, I always go for dark haired guys with broad shoulders, always, that's the look that really does it for me. Do I think blondes are somehow flawed? Unattractive even? No! They just aren't dark haired and so they just don't do "it" for me, whatever "it" is.

OP,

Just give him a go, what do you have to lose? He may not be your usual type but if you find him attractive and like everything else about him then I think you'll stop noticing his height or build once you get used to it.

Best of luck

Which is a flaw

It won't be a flaw to everyone but it is a flaw from the OP's perspective otherwise it wouldn't be a problem and since it is a problem being caused by one specific thing then that one specific thing is obviously considered a flaw. What you call it is just semantics.

there is world of difference between being perfect for someone and being perfect period,

Being perfect period isn't possible because what one person considers to be good trait someone else could consider a flaw. From that someone else's perspective it is a flaw.

But when you're are willing to write someone off for one flaw I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

SugarHigh

Contessa Raven wrote: »

I don't have any personal experience myself because I'm only 5"2' but one of my best friends has been with her boyfriend for 2 years. She's 5"7' and he's 5"2'!

She was so paranoid about the height for the first couple of months but now she hardly notices it. She loves him now and she can see past it.

I think it's perfectly alright to have a preference for a certain type! You can't help who you're attracted to! However, if this guy is as great as you say it wouldn't do any harm to see where it goes. You could go on a date or two and if it still bothers you then you can end things before anyone gets hurt.

Good luck!

Paranoid of what? She was obviously more interested in what her friends were thinking.

It's like a guy who might fancy plump girls but not going for them because he is worried about what his mates would think, living like that isn't a good idea.

Ickle Magoo

SugarHigh wrote: »

Which is a flaw

It won't be a flaw to everyone but it is a flaw from the OP's perspective otherwise it wouldn't be a problem and since it is a problem being caused by one specific thing then that one specific thing is obviously considered a flaw. What you call it is just semantics.
Being perfect period isn't possible because what one person considers to be good trait someone else could consider a flaw. From that someone else's perspective it is a flaw.

But when you're are willing to write someone off for one flaw I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

You are clearly quite sensitive about this, the reasons for which I can only guess at but I think you are using semantics of your own to try to make having particular personal tastes some kind of, well, flaw.

As far as I'm concerned flaws are something that everyone sees, a kind of defect...personal tastes come down to what turns you on and obvious turn off's aside, it's not something you can logify or rationalise.

I don't think setting up for disappointment is necessarily true either, most people I know are in relationships with their "type" of people - many of them long term and successful.

SugarHigh

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You are clearly quite sensitive about this, the reasons for which I can only guess at but I think you are using semantics of your own to try to make having particular personal tastes some kind of, well, flaw.

As far as I'm concerned flaws are something that everyone sees, a kind of defect...personal tastes come down to what turns you on and obvious turn off's aside, it's not something you can logify or rationalise.

I don't think setting up for disappointment is necessarily true either, most people I know are in relationships with their "type" of people - many of them long term and successful.

You are clearly quite sensitive about this, the reasons for which I can only guess at but I think you are using semantics of your own to try to make having particular personal tastes some kind of, well, flaw.

I'm not really that sensitive about it I'm 6 foot which is pretty much average for a guy. I never said having personal taste is a flaw in fact I said the complete opposite twice. I just said that writing off someone based on one thing as benign as height is just dumb.

I don't think setting up for disappointment is necessarily true either, most people I know are in relationships with their "type" of people - many of them long term and successful.

They are with people who are their type but I bet there is still one thing that might not fit that they decided to overlook because to write them off based on one thing is ridiculous which is what the OP is saying she is doing.

It's an obvious comparison but would you honestly not think less of a guy who said he wouldn't date a girl larger than a size 10?

Malari

SugarHigh wrote: »

I just said that writing off someone based on one thing as benign as height is just dumb.

I don't think it's dumb. If you are always aware of it and maybe resent it a bit, it's personal preference and you can't expect all things to be equal in being attracted to partners. Maybe a person isn't attracted to short guys with big noses and blonde hair. But if they met someone they liked they could get over the big nose and blond hair, but not the height. Nothing wrong with that. People prioritise importance of different aspects.

SugarHigh wrote: »

It's an obvious comparison but would you honestly not think less of a guy who said he wouldn't date a girl larger than a size 10?

No I wouldn't. Isn't it better than someone who decided to "overlook" the fact that the girls was size 12 and kept trying to get her to lose weight because she would be more attractive to him?

Ickle Magoo

SugarHigh wrote: »

I'm not really that sensitive about it I'm 6 foot which is pretty much average for a guy. I never said having personal taste is a flaw in fact I said the complete opposite twice. I just said that writing off someone based on one thing as benign as height is just dumb.-

Well, your opening post suggested finding certain qualities less attractive equated to the OP feeling she was perfect...which struck me as being just a touch sensitive.

Is it dumb tho, if that's what turns someone on why shouldn't or wouldn't they go for that type of person? My cousin is five-foot nothing and her whole life has dated really tall guys, she's now married to someone who is 6"7 - is she dumb for finding her husband among those who have the qualities she finds most attractive?

SugarHigh wrote: »

They are with people who are their type but I bet there is still one thing that might not fit that they decided to overlook because to write them off based on one thing is ridiculous which is what the OP is saying she is doing.

It's an obvious comparison but would you honestly not think less of a guy who said he wouldn't date a girl larger than a size 10?

If he's not attracted to girls over a size 10 then what point is there in dating them? If he's attracted to a size 16 and refusing to date based on his usual preference then I'd say he should give it a go, as I did to the OP. There are lots of guys/girls who only date thin people, or blondes, or with long hair, or with a particular chest size; it's naive to suggest otherwise - sexual attraction is often aesthetically linked. Of course nobody is perfect but we do all still have our template for the group aesthetics we find most attractive, my point was it isn't dumb because it isn't rational, it's instinctual - the fact the OP is challenging hers because she likes the guy surely shows that?