Guys: Should I Make The First Move?

LegacyUser

This is gona sound a bit odd... but I go to a shop near where I work everyday for lunch and there's a guy whos always on the tills there and I dunno, I barely know him but I guess I've grown to like him... I'd like to go on a date with him, jst get to know him better really, beyond the two seconds of "thanks" or the breif converstations we usually have. I doubt he notices me, but still I'd live to give it a shot, I haven't been in a relationship for the past 7 months and in that case the guy initiated it and asked me out. I dunno how I should broach the subject, I don't want to ask him out in a rly blatent way incase he says no (or I appear like some weirdo!), but I also don't want to have any regrets!

What should I do? I'm in my early 20's, if that helps.

jurgenscarl

If you have been going to the shop for ages the guy must have noticed you by now and if he hasn't made the move it's his fault.
If he's worth it and man enough it should be obvious that you like him and if he can't see that or if he does and still hasn't done anything about it, forget about him and just move on.

AngryBadger

Hi OP,

I'd say go for it and consequences be damned, I mean if he says no you might be a bit embarrassed, but on the scale of bad things that could happen in life, I think we can agree this is not that bad, and if he says yes, then huzzah!

In terms of how you go about this, why not just ask him if he's single, and if he is give him your number.

Seems simple enough

TitoPuente

jurgenscarl wrote: »

If you have been going to the shop for ages the guy must have noticed you by now and if he hasn't made the move it's his fault.
If he's worth it and man enough it should be obvious that you like him and if he can't see that or if he does and still hasn't done anything about it, forget about him and just move on.

Complete and utter nonsense. Just to remind you - it's the year 2010. Saying that men should do all of the chasing and make the first movie is tantamount to saying that women should stay at home and look after the kids and cook all day long. Women can't just have equality when it suits them. Many are starting to come to the frightening realisation that they have to cope with the drawbacks as well as the benefits of this equality. Particularly as they hit their 30's and wonder why they're still 'on the shelf'. One of these drawbacks - making the first move and risking rejection like men have done for time eternal. Kind of sucks, but hey, you asked for it.

OP - go for it. Ask the guy out! Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

trebor28

why dont you maybe start elongating the time you spend chatting to him, rather than the ten seconds for whatever you are buying.
then if that goes good you can ask him out knowing that you might have a better chance of him saying yes!

RealistSpy

The guy works on the till you say? maybe it doesn't feel right for him to be getting a customer's number?

JonathanAnon

jurgenscarl wrote: »

If you have been going to the shop for ages the guy must have noticed you by now and if he hasn't made the move it's his fault.

She fancies him, we have no indication that till guy is a) interested or b) single. Also, he's hardly likely to be harassing the customers by asking them out, if he values his job.. he's there to work and earn his wages, it's not a social outing for him... So I dont know where you are coming from with the "it's his fault if he's not man enough to ask you out" attitude...

OP
Firstly, are you sure that he is single? If he is, I think you would be better off trying to find discretely where he socializes and "just happen to drop in" some time. Do you have any friends in common you could interrogate, or any means by which you could find out about him?

Asking him out directly at his work place may be embarrassing for him, AND for you if he says "no", particularly if you will have to face him every time you buy your sliced pan in the future. I would advise against doing this.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

JonathanAnon, that's exactly what I was thinking. I don't want to do my shopping and be embarrassed every time I walk by him if he said "no." We have no friends in common I don't know how I could find out where he socialises, I think that might put me into stalker territory, tbh! I don't want to ask him out directly, particularly when he's at work, because that'd be horrible for both of us I'm sure.

But how can I drop hints, without being too "out there"? Move things along, I guess - see if there's any chance!

LegacyUser

TitoPuente wrote: »

Kind of sucks, but hey, you asked for it.

Sounds like you wanted something bad to happen to women because they looked for equality. Do you not agree with women getting equal rights such as the vote etc?

OP, if you think the guy in the shop is nice, ask him out. If you think you'll regret it if you don't ask him out, then you should definitely ask him. Good luck : )

RealistSpy

Good lines:
"Did I see you last night with you girlfriend is location x?"
if no then he has a gf
if no + I dont even have a girlfriend

Hints
"Have you seen x movie" if no "Maybe you should take me to see it sometimes" ( remember to smile and eye contact.)

Those lines could work.

TitoPuente

clara5 wrote: »

But how can I drop hints, without being too "out there"?

Doesn't work. Ask him out. If you fear rejection then that's your problem and you'll probably never be with the guy. "Woman up"

MD!

i would advise against just walking into the shop and asking him on a date.
how would you feel if someone that maybe spotted you walking to work/college everyday came out of nowhere and asked you out? i would prob say no out of shock and embarassment even if i fancied the person who did the asking!! stetch out your time at the till by asking him do they stock a particular product, comment on how busy/quiet the shop is or joke about how often you seem to be in there! a little bit of chat everytime will allow you get to know him.

jurgenscarl

Next time you go into the shop to buy something give him the eye and a big smile and say 'bye' as you leave the shop but be sure to look back him over your shoulder as you go out and smile again before looking away.

That evening dress really sexy and accidentally on purpose bump into him when he's finishing work.

Say hi and if he has any guts at all he should stop and talk to you and make his move.

Eve_Dublin

Hmmm tricky situation. I´ve been asked out in my workplace (coffee shop I worked at in Dublin) before but I had a boyfriend at the time and politely declined....but I was still ferociously embarrassed when the guy would come in to get his coffee everyday...mainly because he was embarrassed. He didn´t handle the rejection with grace and kind of ignored me after that. He had been coming in before that and we´d get into small talk chit-chat, so it wasn´t totally out of the blue but I still resented him for not taking the "no" with more grace.

Maybe just go in and say something like, "Listen, I know this is out of the blue but I just wanted to give you my number in case you´d like to go out for a drink sometimes with me. No worries if you don´t. It´s worth a try at least haha" and hand him your number and name on a bit of paper....or something. And if he does say no, the first few times of going into the shop will be embarrassing but hold your head high and continue to be your friendly self. There´s been times when I wished I´d done that in the past (I´ve approached men but only in pubs) and I´d say the feeling is very empowering. I´d say after you do it once there´ll be no stopping you. Go for it OP! If you get a vibe that the guy is not some immature idiot who´ll laugh at you or "turn weird", then leave it. You can usually gauge these kinds of people though.

desolate sun

I like the above advice.
Please keep us posted OP on your progress. We'll be rooting for you!

TitoPuente

unregistered wrote: »

Sounds like you wanted something bad to happen to women because they looked for equality.

? Where did you get that idea from. All I said was that women should have to take equality as just that - equality.

LegacyUser

jurgenscarl wrote: »

Next time you go into the shop to buy something give him the eye and a big smile and say 'bye' as you leave the shop but be sure to look back him over your shoulder as you go out and smile again before looking away.

That evening dress really sexy and accidentally on purpose bump into him when he's finishing work.

Say hi and if he has any guts at all he should stop and talk to you and make his move.

This stuff is way too subtle for most guys to notice. If you want to go on a date with him just ask him out, seems simple enough.

JonathanAnon

jurgenscarl wrote: »

Say hi and if he has any guts at all he should stop and talk to you and make his move.

Once again I dont know why you are placing the onus on this guy. He may not be interested, may be married, may be gay ........ OP needs to establish this first through chit chat or background research, and then SHE needs to make the moves.

LegacyUser

Pretty certain he's not married! No wedding ring (I checked ) and he's about my age so it's unlikely. I don't have a clue how to find out if he's interested, if he's not then that's fine but I'd like to know! Haha. Do I really have to be so straight-forward? Surely he'd notice at some stage if I drop subtle hints (somehow?!)?

LegacyUser

Mention Facebook.

As him if the shop has a page...or say 'I didn't realise this shop was on FB..' or something, if it is...
The world and it's mother is on fb....mid conversation, ask him if he's on it....and hey presto!

If he's on it, you're sorted....and if he's not, at least you've initiated a conversation that went past 'hi'...
Or does he have a nametag on??? Luk him up on fb and say hi....has worked for a few of my friends.

Miss Fluff

Don't ask him out directly. You don't know his personal situation and it could be embarrassing if he turns you down and you have to go in there every day. AND, you only know him from your very brief interaction at the tills. How do you know if you actually fancy him or not???? You need to go in when it's quiet, and strike up a conversation. Be conspiratorial. Tell him you have a hangover as you had a few cheeky midweek drinks WITH THE GIRLS (do this on a Friday mid-morning) and what kind of soft-drink is good for the energy levels etc. Hopefully he will have the gumption to ask you whereabouts you went out and if you had a good time and then you can ask him about where he tends to go etc. Or ask him a question that will engage him in conversation. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned but better you ask him out organically through conversation then going up to him and blurting out that you'd like to go for a drink sometime. It's too forced, too contrived and has a far greater chance of going t1ts up then are you to have a few chats with him first.

Miss Fluff

unregistered wrote: »

Or does he have a nametag on??? Luk him up on fb and say hi....has worked for a few of my friends.

Please don't do that OP, seriously.

I remember a couple of years ago I ordered a birthday cake from a Superquinn as was having a big birthday and had invited lots of people. Collected the cake, had a great night. Then a few weeks ago (a number of years after the event) I got a friend request from some guy who's name I didn't know (his photo was unclear) I'd never seen before. I emailed him and said I don't think I know you and if I do apologies - basically identify yourself. Turns out he worked on the bakery counter in Superquinn when I ordered the cake and took quite a shine to me. Yes seriously. :eek:

Don't contact him through Facenook, it will creep him out......

entropi

OP, if you wanna get his attention without being too subtle, try dropping into the place when it aint too busy, that way there wont be many customers to make either party embarrassed, you can probably talk to him quietly to figure out his situation. If things look well, then find out about a date.

If that doesn't seem feasible, have your name and number on some paper/card and pass it discreetly to him and say quietly "if you're single, give me a call":)

jurgenscarl

This stuff is way too subtle for most guys to notice.

Most guys are saps. If he doesn't notice she can safely put him in the sap category and find someone who actually notices. The guys who take the initiative are the guys who are worth it.

TitoPuente

jurgenscarl wrote: »

If he doesn't notice she can safely put him in the sap category and find someone who actually notices. The guys who take the initiative are the guys who are worth it.

Nonsense. She wants him, not the other way around. If her subtle signals don't work, i.e. she's too fearful of rejection to make a move, then she has no right to label this guy a 'sap'. She only has herself to blame for being cowardly.

Maybe if he really fancied her and never did anything about it, you could call him a 'sap' (whatever that means). Unfortunately it's the other way around. How does giving off subtle signals (i.e. being too scared to risk any rejection) make the OP less of a 'sap' in your mind? Not that I'd accuse the OP of being a 'sap' myself or anything.

fungun

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Don't ask him out directly. You don't know his personal situation and it could be embarrassing if he turns you down and you have to go in there every day. AND, you only know him from your very brief interaction at the tills. How do you know if you actually fancy him or not???? You need to go in when it's quiet, and strike up a conversation. Be conspiratorial. Tell him you have a hangover as you had a few cheeky midweek drinks WITH THE GIRLS (do this on a Friday mid-morning) and what kind of soft-drink is good for the energy levels etc. Hopefully he will have the gumption to ask you whereabouts you went out and if you had a good time and then you can ask him about where he tends to go etc. Or ask him a question that will engage him in conversation. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned but better you ask him out organically through conversation then going up to him and blurting out that you'd like to go for a drink sometime. It's too forced, too contrived and has a far greater chance of going t1ts up then are you to have a few chats with him first.

this is what id do.
Even if he is interested i doubt he would ask you out as a customer. But start a conversation with him somehow and if you are flirty with him you should be able to get some kind of a read off him

BumbleB

random dude wrote: »

This stuff is way too subtle for most guys to notice. If you want to go on a date with him just ask him out, seems simple enough.

So true , I used to have to go the hospital regularly to get my bloods checked and one week I walked into the room and this really pretty pharmacist was there I actually went red and she got all nervous when we met .It was a weird thing because I never really ever get nervous.

I thought she was really nice ,the following week ,I walked into the room ,she was absolutely stunning she looked like she was ready to go out on the town ,she was wearing a denim skirt and was dressed up to the nines she even gave her pager and her phone number.
number me being a gobsheen never actually picked up on it.

I found out later they never give their pager numbers out.

The moral of the story is never rely on a man to actually pick up the signals youre sending out.

LegacyUser

Typical, seems this week was his week off :rolleyes: And I'd been nervously contemplating what to make small talk with him about before every lunchtime during the week. My nervessssssss! Lads, I just want to say I now fully appreciate the amount of effort/fear or rejection goes into approaching someone you fancy, you should be commended!

As a side note, what to do to not appear desperate? I think I could look a bit desperate or pushy if I gave him my number.

HavingCrack

clara5 wrote: »

My nervessssssss! Lads, I just want to say I now fully appreciate the amount of effort/fear or rejection goes into approaching someone you fancy, you should be commended!

As a side note, what to do to not appear desperate? I think I could look a bit desperate or pushy if I gave him my number.

Nice to see a girl realising how terrifying it can be for lads-gives them perspecitve OP its unlikely he'll ever do the asking out even if he's single and interested in you. Seeing as you're the customer and he's an employee he probably won't want to do anything that could put his job at risk. There's been cases in America I think where employees got accused of sexual harressment for something kinda similar to your situation (not trying to put you off just sayign why he might not make an approach).

So it looks like it'll be up to you-the others adivce on chatting are bette rthan anythign I have.

LegacyUser

I just looked up on this thread and saw HavingCrack's reply, so mods I hope it's okay that I post in the thread because this has me a bit worried. The bit about "there's been cases in America I think where employees got accused of sexual harressment for something kinda similar to your situation", does this apply to customers aswell? Would I be breaking some sort of rule even by flirting with him a bit in a not so obvious way? I don't want to make him uncomfortable or anything, or be completely out-of-line.

And since the general consencus is that guys don't notice when a girl really fancies them, what should a girl do so a guy knows that she fancies him? This is so odd to me, much easier when lads approach me Haha.

pajodublin

Just hand him your name and number on a piece of paper after he gives you your change and walk out of the shop.

Ball is in his court then.

MRBEAVER

pajodublin wrote: »

Just hand him your name and number on a piece of paper after he gives you your change and walk out of the shop.

Ball is in his court then.

Excellent idea. Lets him know you are interested but also leaves it up to him to follow up if he is interested.

The Agogo

pajodublin wrote: »

Just hand him your name and number on a piece of paper after he gives you your change and walk out of the shop.

Ball is in his court then.

^^Best answer by far.

I work in a shop. Few cuties for customers and all, but if one came up and straight asked me out, I'd be caught off-guard (shop staff have different personas when working - no-ones ever that nice to strangers).

peekyboo

I think Miss Fluff's advice was by far the best and safest way. A fella who works in a cafe where I go most days for lunch and has just asked me out and we're going out next week and that's exactly the way he played it. Our conversations started to get longer and friendlier and eventually flirtier and one day he told me it was his birthday and asked where was I bringing him. It was so naturally done that I could hardly say no!

The Agogo

peekyboo wrote: »

I think Miss Fluff's advice was by far the best and safest way. A fella who works in a cafe where I go most days for lunch and has just asked me out and we're going out next week and that's exactly the way he played it. Our conversations started to get longer and friendlier and eventually flirtier and one day he told me it was his birthday and asked where was I bringing him. It was so naturally done that I could hardly say no!

This'd work if you spoke to him beyond saying "Can I get a plastic bag aswell?":pac:

LegacyUser

The Agogo wrote: »

This'd work if you spoke to him beyond saying "Can I get a plastic bag aswell?":pac:

Exactly I still haven't been able to say anything to him at all lately, I just go mute and lose the ability to speak, I just can't. Argh, this is driving me mental!

eeijlar

OP - I did exactly what you are suggesting a few months ago... the only difference was that I am a man. There was a girl working in a cafe near me who I only met twice, but we had this amazing chemistry and hit it off immediately. I asked her out. She was with someone unfortunately, but I think she was flattered, and mortified for me at the same time. It took every ounce of courage in my body to do it, and I know I had a look of absolute terror on my face, but I'm still glad I did it. Think about it... you only get one trip on this merry-go-round. It would be nice in your seventies to think back, and say at least I tried anyway. To quote Woody Allen, if you are not failing, you are not trying.

My advice would not to be quite as direct as, "Would you like to go out sometime?". He will probably be caught off guard even if he likes you. What you could do, is find something that you both have in common, a gig or a concert or something... and then just mention that you are going. Ask if he is going, be really disappointed if he's not. Or you could ask him what his plans are for the weekend. If he says he is going to X, say you are too no matter what it is... then it's very easy to close with, "we must meet up, maybe I can get your number". This way it won't be like asking him out, it will be a bit more casual. For example, the Electric Picnic is coming up in 2 weeks. Ask if he's going. Pick any event, ask him if he got tickets for Arcade Fire.. December is a long way off I know but you get the idea. Anything you are into...

When you get him on his own you can figure out if he's single. Also, you can gauge a lot from his body language to all of the above. Are his responses enthusiastic or not? Watch closely... if it starts to go South, just leave it, there will be other chances.

FLIRT!!! He may not even have twigged that you like him. Women don't know how powerful they are in the flirting department. If you do it well, it can be irresistible. Well for me anyway :-)

[-0-]

Build up a rapour with him. On a Monday morning while he's serving you ask if he got up to much for the weekend... just appear friendly. Then on like Thursday/Friday ask him if he has any plans for the coming weekend.. If he says he's going out ask where and say you might be going there with friends as well (even if you're not) so you might bump into him.

So then you don't meet him... and on the following Monday morning ask him about his weekend again... tell him what you got up to and say you were hoping to bump into him... then slip him your number and tell him to call if he wants to go for a drink some time.

Job done.

Fukuyama

jurgenscarl wrote: »

If you have been going to the shop for ages the guy must have noticed you by now and if he hasn't made the move it's his fault.
.

Bit harsh on the guy. I work in Tesco and get many a pretty lass at my till... many regulars. Polite chit chat is part of the job. Hell, if I was madly in love with a customer I wouldnt ask her out for three reasons.

1. We're surrounded by quing customers, collegues, managers etc...

2. I'm working.

3. If it went south? BAM. Thats me up in HR getting an earful for coming on to a customer for being friendly.



In this scenario, its all on the customer. Tell him you think he's cute or whatever and ask him out or for his number. Either he'll politely decline and you can make a speedy exit OR (like 99% of guys) he will be completely blown away by a girl who has a set of balls and asked him out

Fukuyama

[-0-] wrote: »

Build up a rapour with him. On a Monday morning while he's serving you ask if he got up to much for the weekend... just appear friendly. Then on like Thursday/Friday ask him if he has any plans for the coming weekend.. If he says he's going out ask where and say you might be going there with friends as well (even if you're not) so you might bump into him.

So then you don't meet him... and on the following Monday morning ask him about his weekend again... tell him what you got up to and say you were hoping to bump into him... then slip him your number and tell him to call if he wants to go for a drink some time.

Job done.

^ That poster is an evil genious!

Fukuyama

The Agogo wrote: »

^^Best answer by far.

I work in a shop. Few cuties for customers and all, but if one came up and straight asked me out, I'd be caught off-guard (shop staff have different personas when working - no-ones ever that nice to strangers).

+1

It probably best that youre getting some intel from people who work in retail.

The mist decends when youre behind a till... you go into drone mode yet to customers it appears as though you were born to sit at a register.

...corse is a gorgeous girl was to snap me out of drone mode...

Fukuyama

jurgenscarl wrote: »

Most guys are saps. If he doesn't notice she can safely put him in the sap category and find someone who actually notices. The guys who take the initiative are the guys who are worth it.

Ah I see... so if a girl..any girl, like a guy. Then he's a sap for not bowing down to her lordship.

Good point :rolleyes:.

boarddotie

Well OP, any update on this?

Its been 6 weeks since u first posted and nothing has happened which is s shame. From my own experience I waste(d) so much time and energy on thinking and worrying and fantasising and hoping about what could happen with a crush that if and when you do summat about it a HUGE WEIGHT is lifted.

Just do it, is something happens then brill, you can enjoy an end of summer romance and it nothing happens you can get on with your life!!!

Good luck and keep us posted :pac:

LegacyUser

boarddotie wrote: »

Well OP, any update on this?

Its been 6 weeks since u first posted and nothing has happened which is s shame. From my own experience I waste(d) so much time and energy on thinking and worrying and fantasising and hoping about what could happen with a crush that if and when you do summat about it a HUGE WEIGHT is lifted.

Couldn't agree more, next week I'll have to say something, try to elongate conversation and possibly ask him out. Otherwise I may as well just forget about him, if I don't do it then then I probably never will!

Dean0088, considering you work at a till, do you have any idea how I should (and shouldn't!) go about this?

And thank you to everyone else for the advice, I'll definitely take it on board!

baldshin

Do the number on a bit of paper thing, smile, and walk away. I work in retail and would be blown away if a girl had the guts to do that!

HavingCrack

My friend is working behind a till in a shop and asked a girl who came into the shop regularly enough and who he got along with did she want to go on a date and she said yes and now they've met up several times. So OP there's definately hope for you yet! But you're going to have to take the plunge and do something about yourself I reckon

Fukuyama

clara5 wrote: »

Couldn't agree more, next week I'll have to say something, try to elongate conversation and possibly ask him out. Otherwise I may as well just forget about him, if I don't do it then then I probably never will!

Dean0088, considering you work at a till, do you have any idea how I should (and shouldn't!) go about this?

And thank you to everyone else for the advice, I'll definitely take it on board!

Right I have a plan for you.

My only advice for you is to go in when the shop is quiet. Complete the transaction and ask him 'Would you mind if I gave you my phone number?', one second pause, smile (important) and slide it his way. *Runway turn and exit stage left*.

Then we play the waiting game.

Seriously. Your heart will be in your mouth when you're doing it but, given the situation and the constraints of the time
, its your best bet.

I'll leave you with this quote:

Whether you be man or woman you will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor. -James Allen

Do it tomorrow. I double dare you.

LegacyUser

Dean, thanks for the post! There's been some progression, I've been able to actually talk to him for a bit longer and now I know I definitely do like him! So, tomorrow I'll take the plunge and give him my number, normally this would scream of desperation, but I'm hoping in this situation (times constraints and things) that it wouldn't look desperate?

HavingCrack

clara5 wrote: »

Dean, thanks for the post! There's been some progression, I've been able to actually talk to him for a bit longer and now I know I definitely do like him! So, tomorrow I'll take the plunge and give him my number, normally this would scream of desperation, but I'm hoping in this situation (times constraints and things) that it wouldn't look desperate?

The only person it'll look desperate to is yourself...in your own head. You've been obsessing about this guy for over a month now and haven't done anything so... get a move on :pac:

Fukuyama

Any update op?

On my way to work now after a cool first day in college and i kinda hope a pretty girl gives me her number! a boy can dream.

Let us know how it went!

LegacyUser

Ended up staying the office all day doing paper work, but I'm prepared, hopefully there won't be as much to do tomorrow and I can have my lunch break as usual and make my move!