What positive things have come out of your bereavement?

messymess

I was just thinking about this because there are a lot of heartfelt posts in this forum. It's difficult to read peoples experiences without thinking about your own at the same time and before you know it you're fighting the tears.

But I fail to believe that even these darker experiences can't give rise to something positive. I lost my dad last year and since then I've been a lot more attentive to my mum (who lost a husband of 50yrs) and my sisters. We had very close relationships anyways but they are definitely tighter now. I've also become very conscious of using my time as good as I can, learning things, doing things, art, music, anything, because I'm more aware of the preciousness of life and how quickly it can end. I also feel like I can relate to people who've lost a parent and don't feel as awkward about it maybe.

How about you?

ztoical

After my dad passed away I wanted to do something constructive that reflected me as a comic book artist so I put an anthology together based on his answering machine message. I got 28 other artists to contribute and published it one year after he had passed away. I got the printing cost donated so 100% of what we raised selling the book has been given to Goal, a charity my dad use to work for. To date the book has raised over 5000 euro for Goal.

The book has had more positive effects then I could have hoped. I was aiming to raise 1000 and we've gone so far beyond that. It really helped me as a way to get out my feelings. I spent three months creating a series of monoprints based on my dad for the book and had a show of them. One young 17 year old young lad from New York submitted work for the book which I included and he bought several copies of the book to submit with his college applications to art school and I sent copies to several editors and some people in the book got work as a result.

Ginja Ninja

it's been 5 years since my first brother commited suicide.I can honestly say[please don't take this the wrong way] it's the best/worst thing that's ever happened to me.
I was just turned 14 when he died and I grew up very fast as I had to keep the show on the road when my parents kind of lost it for a while.Most teenagers are worried about girls or sports.I was worried about how little my mother was eating and how dad wouldn't talk to anyone.It's helped me skip past all the bullsh*t people give you and all the little things in life that really don't matter at all.
I learned how much it can mean to someone to let them know you care,I always feel in my mind that if someone had been there for them or asked him how he was really feeling,I might still have a brother.I've turned into somewhat of a Dr. Phill[it's the best description I can think of].I always let people know they mean something to me,I'm a lot more accepting of people's flaws than I would be.I'm not afraid to say something when someone is a bit down,even when what seems like them being a bit off is years of a battle with depression.

I guess that's a bit self obsessed,but I know deep down I wouldn't be as good a person as I am if they hadn't died

LegacyUser

Similar to the last poster, I would also consider myself to be a better person since losing my cousin to suicide several years ago. (This was the first of 3 sudden and unexpected deaths in 5 years but the one that i would mark as changing me most significantly)

Positive effects: I find it very difficult to not be on speaking terms with someone for any reason, i am much more forgiving - MUCH MORE, i never end a phone conversation or leave any of my friends and family without saying i love you, kisses/hugs etc, i have a much closer relationship with my immediate family, we talk about things that we previously wouldnt have (like when we are feeling low/depressed/having a hard time), i am MUCH more compassionate than before, i feel more enabled to help other people who are bereaved....this is something that friends comment on, that i was so much support during funerals etc. A work colleague at a funeral commented that for a young girl, seeing a friend in a coffin at a wake not frighten me, i walked straight over and kissed them on the forehead and stroked their face while others could not approach it. and I said no - its just become a part of life, i am able to react naturally around that sort of thing, whereas before I'd struggle to look at the coffin when offering condolances in a funeral home. (One of my biggest regrets was not spending time with my cousin before they closed the coffin, it was too traumatic at the time, i wish i has kissed him goodbye)


Negative effects: i won't go into the obvious..... but a huge negative effect is the anxiety i carry that this will happen again, of losing someone i love. I feel guilty if i don't spend time with people/if i'm not in touch enough, i am conscious that my grandmothers will not live forever and cry about it regularly, something sad on tv or a sad story in the news will bring tears to my eyes and these things can play on my mind for days after (i feel too much empathy perhaps) - all issues that are being helped by counselling but still very much present five years later

baby and crumble

Hey all,

I lost my Mam just a year ago (it was the anniversary last weekend) and of all things, I agree with the poster who said they tell people how much they mean to them a lot more- i think i bore my friends and family to death with the amount of 'i love yous' they get now. :rolleyes:

And I guess aswell i've learned that life is just that- it's life, it's not forever and you just never know what's going to happen. within a week your world gets turned upside down, the strongest person you know becomes the most fragile, and you just have to deal.

and i guess i've taken my mums mantra to heart about seeing the positive side of everything. even when she was extremely weak, just before she went unconscious for the last time she had a smile. You have to, otherwise what would you do?

Kablamo!

Being an only child, when my Dad passed away I had to quickly learn how to be 'the man of the house', for want of a better term. As a 21 year old female, I wasn't, and for that matter, still amn't over the moon about it, but nobody else can do it now but me.

From this time last year screaming the house asunder because there was a spider in the shower and waiting for my Daddy to charge in and save the day, to just last week dispatching wasps nests in the attic.

Its been a complete turnabout, and it's hard work, but now I'm more likely to be in Woodies buying varnish than in Office buying shoes.

Most girls, and boys, my age, have no idea about architraves (they go around your doors!), sorting through financial and legal documents, unblocking shower traps, etc, but I've had to learn. And in a way I'm proud of myself.

metrovelvet

Great question.

I think when I get those renewed pangs of grief, or accidentally pick up the phone to call my father in thise rare moments when I forget he's dead, it puts all the petty grievences,arguments, troubles and worries back in their place,reminding me that none if this is going to matter in the end.

ToniTuddle

A car crash where one of our friends died caused me and my best friend to make amends. We were on the verge of having a huge bust up I could feel it coming...I wanted it to happen! Then our lives were basically changed forever that night.

She nearly died herself and suffered severe injuries. We realised that all the BS was simply that...a load of crap and we became close again.


The death of another friend of mine has me encouraging more healthy eating in alot of my friends. He died due to a heart attack and was basically because he was morbidly obese. I could have said something back then but then again how can you say something to someone about their weight without hurting them..... I'd have rather hurt his feelings and him be alive and well than the reality of him dying alone.

As for the various deaths of young lads I've known due to car crashes I openly voice my opinion about driving slower and more carefully.

Due to the deaths of two young lads from cancer and a brain haemorrage I'm constantly onto lads I know about going for check ups, men seriously never want to go to the doctor it drives me mad! But I'll keep harping on and will drag some of them there if I have too.

All in all the various deaths have made me realise how short life is and how we should look after ourselves and each other to have long happy lives. You can loose sight of it at times but then flashes of the people you have loved in coffins brings you back to reality and makes you cop on.

People stop hugging each other and showing affection as they get older. I don't believe in that so I'm all for the hugs and dishing them out. It can make peoples day sometimes! So get hugging! I tell the people I love that I love them alot more now because if anything happened me or them I would hope they would know I did love them.

jos28

I think that losing someone close to you definitely forces you to put things into perspective. Trivial $hit does not matter so I no longer get upset by it. On a personal level I always had a fantastic close relationship with my Dad and a somewhat strained relationship with my Mam. Dad died 6 years ago and I honestly felt that my soul died with him. He meant everything to me, the only man that really understood me etc...
His death gave me the opportunity to really get to know my Mam and we spent some wonderful times together since Dad passed. I got to see a side to her that I never knew existed. I realised how like her I really was. I also realised that she allowed my Dad to be the nice guy while she took a lot of the strain. She ran the house, made the money stretch, looked after grannies, aunties and anyone else that needed help. At the same time she started a business at the age of 54. An amazing woman who died 3 weeks ago. I am so glad that I had those 6 years to really get to know her and to let her know how much I loved her and appreciated everything she did for me. God Bless Mam, miss you.

Babybass

This is a really great thread. I have always believed that things happen for a reason - even the most difficult things can have positive outcomes. My grandfather died when I was 20 - at the time my mum was very sick and we had been told many times that she wouldn't make it. Having my grandfather die really showed me how important it was to spend time with my mother - she had been sick for so long (3 years) that we had all just gotten into a routine of visiting the hospital and then getting on with our lives. I left my job after my grandfather died and started to spend 12 hours a day with my mum. I was so glad of the time I had to talk with her and get to know her better. She died a year later. Three weeks before she died my oldest sister died very suddenly. It was such a shock but I think that it was what made my mum finally give up fighting - maybe it made her fear death less, knowing my sister would be there for her. I miss my mum and sister so much but I really believe that my sister died so my mum could finally be free from all her pain.

Losing so many people in such a short space of time really opened my eyes up to how fragile life is. And seeing how much my mother feared death has made me determined to embrace it - to always be ready for it. I do this by not getting to stressed about the future - I still plan but I make sure I live my life today. I am sure to let everyone know how much they mean to me - and the little things in life don't matter nearly as much. And when you think about it - almost everything in life is little stuff.