I fooled around with someone else

LegacyUser

I really dont know where to start with this, even writing it down is scary. Ive been married to my husband for almost 2 years and he has been working away the last year so we only see eachother every 6months.

4 of my girl friends and me went away on a holiday to spain two weeks ago, and during the middle of the holiday a group of lads came over chatting to us at a bar. All a bit of fun, 2 of the girls that were with us were single anyway, so we didnt really want to ruin there fun. Once of the guys who was very good looking, seemed to take a particular interest in me but i made it very clear I was married. He said fine he had a girlfriend so we just chatted away. Even my friends said he was a very hot guy.

The lads then went off on their way which suited us fine but after a while my friends decided we go to a club.It ended up that this group of lads were also in the same club. One of the girls was interested in one of the guys and we left her chatting to him. But the good looking guy kept coming over to talk to me and we chatted away but all the time I kept talking about my husband.

I've never thought that much of myself and would say im very plain looking but this guy was really keen had a lovely body on him etc so in the back of my head i was hugely flattered. I couldn't believe he was actually interested. Whatever way he was standing, it ended up that we were sort of sitting slightly separated from the rest of the group.


The drink was flowing and everyone was having a good time but then my friends went to the toilet and this guy was getting all the more flirty and whatever came over me I agreed to go outside with him. Not making excuses but i was quite drunk at this stage and we ended up kissing & fooling for about 10 mins. He tried to take it further but I eventually came to my senses and put a stop to it.
When I got back my friends were asking where I'd been and I told them that I hadnt been feeling well and had gone out to get sick.

I do have a good enough s*x life with my husband, but we've been together a while and I suppose everything has gone a bit stale. But the worst thing is I really enjoyed what happened with this guy and even thinking about it now I get butterflies. That in itself makes me cringe with guilt.

I dont know why I did this. I love my husband. Should I tell him? I just know he would view this as unforgiveable

fungun

*sigh*

the problem here is that if you are a decent person and you dont tell him it will prob eat you up on the inside until it comes out anyway....so if it was me id confess it.

but if he works away a lot its gonna be hard for him to see a future where he trusts you id say. If I was in his shoes Id find it hard to anyway. The key thing might be to offer sth showing your remorse if you really want a future, i.e. not go on holidays with girls again, not drink too much etc etc.

But if you are sure no one knows and you have really learnt your lesson maybe you could say nothing. Really depends on the kind of person you are.

Edit - also depends on what is 'fooling around' - a snog might be forgivable but depends how far it went

Smallbit

Telling your husband would make you feel better perhaps - but not him...

Then you'd have rebuild the trust over a period of time, and that would put a strain on your relationship. Better just to swallow this and put it behind you.

The real issue here seems to be a situation where you and your husband are separated for 6 months at a time. This isn't a normal situation unless he's working on a submarine. To be honest, in this day and age, travel can't be so impossible that you have to have 6 month gaps?


And, just to play devil's advocate here, do you know for sure that your husband won't have been tempted during these 6 month absences? He's just as likely as you are to have 'fooled around'. We're all human and it's hard to maintain a healthy faithful relationship when you're not actually living with your partner.

LegacyUser

Hi,

TBH i dont think you have done much wrong, sure u had a few beers any you enjoyed the attention from another guy and in the heat of the moment, drink, holiday, ...... you had a lapse in your judgement.

I'd say that if you mention it to you husband it will be a lot more difficult than just putting it to the back of your mind and leaving it there. With the best will in the world he may only think that he is not getting the full picture and if its the wake up call you needed then forget about it.

BTW im a married man, just giving you the context.

LegacyUser

Well the thing is he works over in Japan, and I cant afford to leave my job here in Ireland, and with flights being so expensive, it is quite hard to get to see eachother between the 6 month gaps.

I was over with him for a couple of weeks when he left after 3 months, and then he was home 3 months after that, but since then we just havent been able to afford to see each other. But its better than him having no job in Ireland at all, and struggling to pay a mortgage.

Re him cheating on me, maybe i'm being naive but I do trust him 150% so I can honestly say he hasnt.
I suppose its best if I just put it behind me, and try and forget about it.

ManOfMystery

Smallbit wrote: »

And, just to play devil's advocate here, do you know for sure that your husband won't have been tempted during these 6 month absences? He's just as likely as you are to have 'fooled around'. We're all human and it's hard to maintain a healthy faithful relationship when you're not actually living with your partner.

Trying to ease her guilt by speculating that her husband (who, as far as we know, is the innocent party in all this) could also have cheated is not really helping. You're bring a totally unknown factor into a situation where she already has enough to think about.

OP, there are a few things you need to think about here. Do you feel guilty? Do you consider what you did wrong and feel you never want to do it again? I'm only asking because you say you still get butterflies when you think about it. If you have a 100% fulfilling and happy relationship with your husband then no amount of temptation would make you risk your marriage. I think you need to realistically consider what would happen if you were put in the same situation again.

If you are adamant that you wouldn't make this mistake again and have learnt from it, then I say don't tell your husband. Turn that guilt into effort and work on any issues you have in your marriage instead.

If you're unsure how you would react again in the same situation and can't guarantee you wouldn't cheat again, then there are obviously underlying issues between you and your husband and you need to work on these together. Doing so may bring this incident out into the open.

It's your call....

fungun

well hold on, you cannot justify your own unfaithfulness by saying 'well maybe he did it too'.

If you find it hard to be faithful then talk to him about it and come up with a plan around either seeing each other more or specifically allowing certain things whilst apart if thats what rocks your boat. But you cant just assume he feels the same and justify your own actions through that.

Seriously only you know you husband and what your relationship is like. Its all about that. I know some relns where they could never keep a secret like this, others where they would. All depends on what are the values of your reln and what could be dealt with. So advice from complete strangers on this is little more than worthless.

If you are asking for male opinions - if you were my wife & were drunk and snogged a guy on holidays with your friends and really showed you regretted it Id at least try to forgive you..

LegacyUser

Smallbit wrote: »

And, just to play devil's advocate here, do you know for sure that your husband won't have been tempted during these 6 month absences? He's just as likely as you are to have 'fooled around'. We're all human and it's hard to maintain a healthy faithful relationship when you're not actually living with your partner.

Sorry but that's a completely irrelevant, wildly presumptuous and frankly stupid thing to say.

Going on that if I go on a night out with the lads, and my girlfriend has gone on a night out with the girls, is it ok for me if the opportunity presents itself to "fool around" as it's just as likely she will do the same???

After all, we're all human.

OP as with any relationship it comes down to trust. That trust has now been broken. I wouldn't entertain what the poster I've quoted said as it has nothing whatsoever to do with what happened.

Personally there have been times where while in a relationship I've been posted overseas for several months at a time and I know how hard it can be to be separated. From what you've said you sound like a good person who made a stupid mistake.

If I was your husband would I want to know? Hard to call but I do know if I had other assignments abroad and you told me this I wouldn't be able to handle it. It's one thing for you to admit to that while the two of you are living together and seeing each other every day. You have time to overcome it together or not. But if you're only seeing each other for a few days or a week or two over the next 6 months I think that would eat me up and could very well result in me ending it.

Ok you say you just fooled around and maybe when you tell him that he'll believe you. But believe me, when he is alone over the next 6 months that will play on his mind, and to be honest if it was me (and I'm not a naturally jealous person) fooling around could very well end up mushrooming into a full blown affair while I'm not around.

Sorry long winded post. Just saying if your husband still has a lot of work abroad to complete I would at the very least wait until he's back for good before I said anything. Gives you time to consider it and saves him 6 months of torturing himself with worst case scenarios.

PeterTheHermit

I really dont know where to start with this, even writing it down is scary. Ive been married to my husband for almost 2 years and he has been working away the last year so we only see eachother every 6months.

You were feeling lonely and unhappy as any women separate from her husband for half the year. A marriage is very hard to maintain in those circumstances because psychologically you almost feel like a single woman in his long absences. You can't help how you feel.

4 of my girl friends and me went away on a holiday to spain two weeks ago, and during the middle of the holiday a group of lads came over chatting to us at a bar.

These men were on the prowl looking for women.

All a bit of fun, 2 of the girls that were with us were single anyway, so we didnt really want to ruin there fun.

The men you met would have calculated in advance that if there were single girls, the married or attached women would not want to ruin the fun thereby leaving themselves open to being seduced as well.

Once of the guys who was very good looking, seemed to take a particular interest in me but i made it very clear I was married. He said fine he had a girlfriend so we just chatted away. Even my friends said he was a very hot guy.

When a woman says she is married or has a boyfriend without the man necessarily having to ask the question, she is actually signalling that her is attracted. He knew this is of course and already knew he had you on his hook. He was using his friends to keep your friends busy, he had won their approval and he knew you were attracted. He lied about having a girlfriend to further lead you into his trap. It was all part of a plan to put you at ease.

The lads then went off on their way which suited us fine but after a while my friends decided we go to a club.It ended up that this group of lads were also in the same club. One of the girls was interested in one of the guys and we left her chatting to him. But the good looking guy kept coming over to talk to me and we chatted away but all the time I kept talking about my husband.

The man you were talking to planned this whole thing down to the last detail. He had already pretended that he had a girlfriend and he and his group decided to make a tactical withdrawl after sowing the seeds. One of them had targetted your friend because they knew after just meeting him, she would not go to the club alone. She would have to bring you and your friends. By pairing off with the women, this broke up the group and meant that your resistance would be much lower. The man then got to work on you. You kept talking about your husband because this man deliberately brought the subject up again and again because he knew you were a married woman on holiday without him. You probably told him that your husband was absent for 6 months. This signalled to him that if he tried to seduce you in your psychological condition he had a good chance of success.

I've never thought that much of myself and would say im very plain looking but this guy was really keen had a lovely body on him etc so in the back of my head i was hugely flattered. I couldn't believe he was actually interested. Whatever way he was standing, it ended up that we were sort of sitting slightly separated from the rest of the group.

He knew this perfectly and by separating you from the rest of the group you did not have your friends to step in and protect you. Besides his friends were keeping them distracted.

The drink was flowing and everyone was having a good time but then my friends went to the toilet and this guy was getting all the more flirty and whatever came over me I agreed to go outside with him. Not making excuses but i was quite drunk at this stage and we ended up kissing & fooling for about 10 mins. He tried to take it further but I eventually came to my senses and put a stop to it.

What he did was bounce you to a seduction location away from the meeting location. That's when he began to escalation, becoming more sexual, touching and kissing you. This triggered natural psychological responses. A guy like this knows that emotion and sexual instinct is often stronger than rational thinking. He practically hypnotised you by slowly and steadily ramping up the temperature.

Put a live frog in a pot of boiling water, he will immediately jump out.

However if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and gradually turn up the temperature slowly you will boil the frog to death without him jumping out of the pot.

That's what this guy did.

When I got back my friends were asking where I'd been and I told them that I hadnt been feeling well and had gone out to get sick.

You used a defense mechanism which meant you blamed yourself and made you use a less embarrasing explanation to cover greater embarrasment. Which is what this guy knew you would do.

I do have a good enough s*x life with my husband, but we've been together a while and I suppose everything has gone a bit stale. But the worst thing is I really enjoyed what happened with this guy and even thinking about it now I get butterflies. That in itself makes me cringe with guilt.

When women are raped they often orgasm. This does not mean they enjoyed it. It just means that their body behaved according to stimuli.

Your brain and body is programmed to respond in a preprogrammed way to sexual stimuli.

Just because you are married and you have a rational mind does not mean you have control over getting turned on sexually.

You couldn't have been able to control that.

I dont know why I did this. I love my husband. Should I tell him? I just know he would view this as unforgiveable

Do not tell him. It will ruin your relationship forever.

Just in future be careful and stay away from groups of men you are attracted to and look out for the signs of a creep who wants to get you into bed.

You were used and manipulated by a guy who targetted you deliberately because you were psychologically vulnerable - you were alone and unhappy and missed the thrill of being with a man sexually.

You are only human.

You never planned this.

It is not your fault.

It is the fault of the evil man who almost got you into bed.:mad:

He probably does this all the time with his friends.

LegacyUser

Peterthe Hermit, thats some post.... but thank you for making it clear about the way some men think. I actually never would have thought men think so much about things.

I just feel so foolish, I know you say its not my fault because of the circumstances etc - but really it is, I should have known better than to put myself in that situation. I should have realised what was happening and told the women I had to go home or something.

Taltos

You know I was with you for most of this until I read this line...

PeterTheHermit wrote: »

It is the fault of the evil man who almost got you into bed.

Well that and using the rape analogy.
Some excellent points here OP - however - none of this excuses the role you played in this, you made the choice to continue to talk to him despite the attraction, you decided to drink more booze - knowing full well that alcohol lowers inhibitions, and oh isn't it ever so convenient an excuse.

If I were your husband I would want to know. However, my wife and I have boundaries - and you just broke the prime one - sex or not you have betrayed your husband and what your marriage stood for.

Maybe he can forgive you, maybe not, but by hiding this you are just continuing to show what faith you have in your relationship. Be prepared though - if you do admit to this it will all change - what you had you may never have again with your OH.

A kiss and a fumble sounds all so innocent and nice - but not when you are in a committed relationship with someone else. If you decide to say nothing maybe in time you can put this behind you, I just hope it never slips out years from now after a few drinks.

So personally I would want to know, but personally this would be the end of the relationship. Only you can really know what you should do here, your relationship with your husband is purely between the two of you and not something we have enough knowledge on to advise.

LegacyUser

PeterTheHermit wrote: »

You are only human.

You never planned this.

It is not your fault.

It is the fault of the evil man who almost got you into bed.:mad:

He probably does this all the time with his friends.

wow must remember this the next time I've had an argument with my girlfriend or haven't seen her in a while. I'm lonely and vulnerable and therefore it's the fault of any predatory women who sense this and "take advantage" of me in my weakened state. I can therefore absolve myself of any blame.

Sorry but do you honestly think women in general are that weak willed, innocent, gullible or naive?

Ok maybe he did sense a vulnerability and an opportunity. And maybe he didn't have a girlfriend. But to say he is an EVIL man is a tad dramatic. The OP is not a child, nor has given any hint that she's fresh out of some hermitage where contact with the opposite sex was going to bloody confession once a week.

She said herself she was flattered by the attention, she got butterflies, it excited her. And yes this can be quite natural, especially in a holiday scenario. But to say she had no control over the situation is ridiculous, as it stating that he practically hypnotised her. Sensationalist and overly dramatic at best.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Some excellent points here OP - however - none of this excuses the role you played in this, you made the choice to continue to talk to him despite the attraction, you decided to drink more booze - knowing full well that alcohol lowers inhibitions, and oh isn't it ever so convenient an excuse.

If I were your husband I would want to know. However, my wife and I have boundaries - and you just broke the prime one - sex or not you have betrayed your husband and what your marriage stood for.

<b>Maybe he can forgive you, maybe not, but by hiding this you are just continuing to show what faith you have in your relationship. Be prepared though - if you do admit to this it will all change - what you had you may never have again with your OH.</b>

A kiss and a fumble sounds all so innocent and nice - but not when you are in a committed relationship with someone else. If you decide to say nothing maybe in time you can put this behind you, I just hope it never slips out years from now after a few drinks.

So personally I would want to know, but personally this would be the end of the relationship. Only you can really know what you should do here, your relationship with your husband is purely between the two of you and not something we have enough knowledge on to advise.

Taltos, thank you for your honesty (god i sound so hypocritical), but Im honestly not trying to use drink as the excuse. I was stupid and thoughtless full stop and I'm not trying to blame anyone else. Sure of course this guy was gonna make a move, I was just idiotic enough not take myself out of the situation.

I do know that if I tell him, its the end for us, and I dont want to lose him. I regret this more than anything and in our 9 years together, its the first time I've done something like this.

peasant

If I were the husband, I woulnd't want to know.

You nearly slipped, but you didn't. Even drunk and on holidays you were still faithful enough to rein yourself in before it got critical. That's a forgivable offence, IMO.

The fact that you feel guilty about it now is good, use that guilt as a motivator not to put yourself in a situation like that again.

And don't tell your husband. The only thing that keeps a long-distance relationship together is trust. Break it, and the relationship is over.

He's probably fighting temptation over there as well, now and then. What keeps him faithful is the knowledge that you are ...and vice versa.

Sow doubt and the next drunken incident (on either side) will be the end of your marriage.

Oh yeah ...and avoid drunken incidents

PeterTheHermit

Sure of course this guy was gonna make a move, I was just idiotic enough not take myself out of the situation.

Con artists, seducers and snake oil merchants do this all the time.

The guy you met was a predator. Pure and simple.

You were completely helpless because he was skilled in psychological manipulation.

You didn't stand a chance.

Guys like this take advantage of women all the time.

They just have a way of putting things.

kenbrady

PeterTheHermit wrote: »

You were completely helpless because he was skilled in psychological manipulation.

You need to get out more in the real world.
He was out with his mates, chatted up some girl and got lucky. Simple as that. It's not exactly rocket science to pick up girls in night clubs, married or not.

Taltos

stupidwife wrote: »

Taltos, thank you for your honesty (god i sound so hypocritical), but Im honestly not trying to use drink as the excuse. I was stupid and thoughtless full stop and I'm not trying to blame anyone else. Sure of course this guy was gonna make a move, I was just idiotic enough not take myself out of the situation.

I do know that if I tell him, its the end for us, and I dont want to lose him. I regret this more than anything and in our 9 years together, its the first time I've done something like this.

Just make sure it is the last.
You know this will end it for you both - so only you can decide if what you have together now and in the future is worth living with this for the rest of your life. Cause I mean it - if you keep this quiet now - it can never ever get out or be used.

I would want to know - but I know too that if I did know something like this then yes, that would be the end. No matter how much it hurt, I am not a big enough person to forget betrayals anymore.

seenitall

kenbrady wrote: »

You need to get out more in the real world.
He was out with his mates, chatted up some girl and got lucky. Simple as that. It's not exactly rocket science to pick up girls in night clubs, married or not.

OMG, yeah! The guy's hilarious :D:D

He must have swallowed a whole load of PUA "literature" at one point or another... I'm not surprised he sounds constipated!!

fungun

"Even drunk and on holidays you were still faithful enough to rein yourself in before it got critical. That's a forgivable offence, IMO."

Depends....she hasnt said what "fooling around" was. Everyone has their limit. Was this snog just/feeling up/oral, what?

Elessar

PeterTheHermit wrote: »

You were feeling lonely and unhappy as any women separate from her husband for half the year. A marriage is very hard to maintain in those circumstances because psychologically you almost feel like a single woman in his long absences. You can't help how you feel.



These men were on the prowl looking for women.



The men you met would have calculated in advance that if there were single girls, the married or attached women would not want to ruin the fun thereby leaving themselves open to being seduced as well.



When a woman says she is married or has a boyfriend without the man necessarily having to ask the question, she is actually signalling that her is attracted. He knew this is of course and already knew he had you on his hook. He was using his friends to keep your friends busy, he had won their approval and he knew you were attracted. He lied about having a girlfriend to further lead you into his trap. It was all part of a plan to put you at ease.




The man you were talking to planned this whole thing down to the last detail. He had already pretended that he had a girlfriend and he and his group decided to make a tactical withdrawl after sowing the seeds. One of them had targetted your friend because they knew after just meeting him, she would not go to the club alone. She would have to bring you and your friends. By pairing off with the women, this broke up the group and meant that your resistance would be much lower. The man then got to work on you. You kept talking about your husband because this man deliberately brought the subject up again and again because he knew you were a married woman on holiday without him. You probably told him that your husband was absent for 6 months. This signalled to him that if he tried to seduce you in your psychological condition he had a good chance of success.



He knew this perfectly and by separating you from the rest of the group you did not have your friends to step in and protect you. Besides his friends were keeping them distracted.




What he did was bounce you to a seduction location away from the meeting location. That's when he began to escalation, becoming more sexual, touching and kissing you. This triggered natural psychological responses. A guy like this knows that emotion and sexual instinct is often stronger than rational thinking. He practically hypnotised you by slowly and steadily ramping up the temperature.

Put a live frog in a pot of boiling water, he will immediately jump out.

However if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and gradually turn up the temperature slowly you will boil the frog to death without him jumping out of the pot.

That's what this guy did.



You used a defense mechanism which meant you blamed yourself and made you use a less embarrasing explanation to cover greater embarrasment. Which is what this guy knew you would do.




When women are raped they often orgasm. This does not mean they enjoyed it. It just means that their body behaved according to stimuli.

Your brain and body is programmed to respond in a preprogrammed way to sexual stimuli.

Just because you are married and you have a rational mind does not mean you have control over getting turned on sexually.

You couldn't have been able to control that.





Do not tell him. It will ruin your relationship forever.

Just in future be careful and stay away from groups of men you are attracted to and look out for the signs of a creep who wants to get you into bed.

You were used and manipulated by a guy who targetted you deliberately because you were psychologically vulnerable - you were alone and unhappy and missed the thrill of being with a man sexually.

You are only human.

You never planned this.

It is not your fault.

It is the fault of the evil man who almost got you into bed.:mad:

He probably does this all the time with his friends.

The biggest load of twat I've read here in a long time.

The blame lies squarely on the OP. She had the choice to say no, and continue saying no, but she didn't. Everyone makes mistakes, but she has absolutely no-one to blame but herself.

I'm sorry OP but take some responsibility for your actions like a mature adult. All I read in your OP were excuses, sounded like you were trying to absolve yourself of blame in every which way.

Anyway, you made a mistake. Tell your husband the truth and risk the marriage, or keep it to yourself.

What about the next time you're out with the girls?

fungun

Agreed, its not up to other men not to shag your wife, its up to your wife to say no

AngryBadger

PeterTheHermit wrote: »

You are only human.

You never planned this.

It is not your fault.

It is the fault of the evil man who almost got you into bed.:mad:

He probably does this all the time with his friends.

Are you for real?

Whether the OP intended this or not, whether she was played or not, she had a role to play in this. I'm not going to comment on your post beyond that since I'll wind up getting banned. Suffice it to say this kind of one-dimensional thinking only encourages infidelity, and for the record would you apply the same logic if it was a guy who had cheated on his wife?

OP, I think the issue here is less the act of fooling around with some guy, and more what this says about the relationship you're in. Clearly you're not satisfied if all it takes is a drunken night out for you to start fooling around with another guy, I'm not condemning you, I'm simply pointing out that usually this kind of behavior indicates a problem in a relationship. Do you think it more or less likely that you would have strayed if you were seeing your partner more regularly?

If you want your current relationship to last then you should look at the current situation and ask yourself honestly how happy are you really? If the answer is, "not very", then you may need to review things with your partner.

If he's going to be working in Japan for the foreseeable future do you honestly feel this relationship can last?

Amazotheamazing

Elessar wrote: »

I'm sorry OP but take some responsibility for your actions like a mature adult. All I read in your OP were excuses, sounded like you were trying to absolve yourself of blame in every which way.

Anyway, you made a mistake. Tell your husband the truth and risk the marriage, or keep it to yourself.

Depends, there are different ways to take responsibility. Some people will say the OP should tell, some will say keep it to herself, imo, both answers are right, provided it's the right option for the OP, her partner and the relationship.

Fado, fado I worked as a divorce solicitor and prior to that I might have been as clearcut as some of the posters here but life isn't clearcut, it's a messy journey where things happen for no real reason, so good, some bad.

If my partner made the above mistake, regretted it to the depth of her conscience and knew in herself it would never happen again, I wouldn't want to know, because it would wrongly change my perception of her. I think I would forgive her though, life isn't perfect and we all make mistakes.

On the otherhand, if it happened again, I would hope the OP would admit to herself the relationship is over and be honest about it.

gpe

Adelphos fish and chip Palace syndrome imo.

Amazotheamazing

It's a problem on this forum that people give advice as though they live in an ideal world. At the end of it all, one lousy mistake happened. I wouldn't rick what might be a great marriage because of it. I would suggest the OP moves to where her partner is, or gets him home, or something to re-enforce the marriage, but always try and remember you're dealing with real people, not ideal fictions who don't make mistakes.

LegacyUser

Elessar wrote: »

The blame lies squarely on the OP. She had the choice to say no, and continue saying no, but she didn't. Everyone makes mistakes, but she has absolutely no-one to blame but herself.

I'm sorry OP but take some responsibility for your actions like a mature adult. All I read in your OP were excuses, sounded like you were trying to absolve yourself of blame in every which way.

What about the next time you're out with the girls?

In response to this - yes I said I had alot to drink, but I'm not blaming anyone else for this buy myself! I want to make that very clear, thats why I feel so SH*T about the whole thing. I've completely disrespected my husband and the vows we took nearly 2 years ago. I'm angry and disgusted with myself, and take complete responsibility that this is purely my own fault.

Next time i'm out with the girls, I will be making sure this doesnt happen again, and will be damned sure if any men are coming on too strong I will take myself out of the situation.

BTW-fooling around was a snog, and a fumble, no oral or further (god I even hate writing this down)

aidan24326

stupidwife wrote: »

Well the thing is he works over in Japan, and I cant afford to leave my job here in Ireland, and with flights being so expensive, it is quite hard to get to see eachother between the 6 month gaps.

Aside from anything else, do you think it's really a good idea to have 6 month gaps of not seeing each other? Job or no job that's too long to be apart and you'll just become strangers if you keep that up.

PeterTheHermit wrote: »

Con artists, seducers and snake oil merchants do this all the time.

The guy you met was a predator. Pure and simple.

You were completely helpless because he was skilled in psychological manipulation.

You didn't stand a chance.

Guys like this take advantage of women all the time.

They just have a way of putting things.

That is just the most ridiculous twaddle I've ever read. She didn't stand a chance? No, of course she didn't. Poor helpless thing.

I can see why you call yourself PeterTheHermit anyway, as you obviously don't get out much.

stupidwife wrote: »

Next time i'm out with the girls, I will be making sure this doesnt happen again, and will be damned sure if any men are coming on too strong I will take myself out of the situation.

That's all you have to do. Learn from the mistake and put it in the past. And no, do not tell your husband. What happened was a relatively minor indiscretion, if it makes you more careful in future then that can only be a good thing. Telling him will only cause problems disproportionate to what you actually did. But you have to be sure you won't do it again, and those 6 month gaps are never going to help.

Quality

I wouldnt tell him If I were you,

You will destroy his trust of you.

It will break his heart

And it will fcuk up your relationship.

Yes it was probably wonderful and you are very confused over your feelings for your husband and what happened, You are probably feeling very turned on over this new spark.

But just try to let it lie, get on with your life and try and make that spark come between you and your hubby again.

I honestly dont think that anyone has anything to gain from you telling the truth, It will only lead to heartbreak and strife.

Taltos

OP - totally with the post above from Aidan.

You both risk growing apart.
I travelled for a long time with my last job - and in the end I had to quit as I could feel us growing apart. Each time I came home I felt more and more like a stranger in my own home - and after 3 yrs I had to make the call.

Do what you can to spend more time together.
And whatever you decide - I hope you both have a good life together.

LegacyUser

Ive decided to make an appointment with one of the accord counsellers to try and see if I can figure my head out.
Since that thing happened on hols, I'm not happy with some of the thoughts I've had. I feel theres no excitement/passion in our relationship. And to be honest if I think about it, I've felt this for quite a while. Lots of love and affections yes, but no passion for the last 6 years or so.
This is what scares me more, the fact that I had these thoughts and then did what I did.
Dont get me wrong, I'm not saying I think i'm not happy with my husband, hes my world. But I certainly feel things are fairly plain in the bedroom.
So I've called them anyway and am waiting to hear back about an appointment.
And before anyone says of course things are going to be plain in the bedroom when we dont see eachother for 6 months but even when we do meet up I dont feel as excited as I surely should.
I actually hate the way im coming across in this thread, and I feel like Im disrespecting my husband even more. But I know I definately dont want to do anything like I did over 2 weeks ago again. Which is why I want to go to counselling on my own to try and make it better.

422nd

Counseling isn't gonna get you anywhere. That is totally unfair. If anyone needs a bloody counselor it's your husband who has been so utterly betrayed. No. No one is perfect. People cheat. But as far as I'm concerned you running off to counseling to try make yourself feel better is in fact just making this whole thing about you and how upset you are. If you have ANY respect for that man you will contact him immediately and own up for what you have done. You are being nothing but selfish every second you keep this from him.

Admit to him what you've done and face the consequences like an adult.

Denimgirl

Don't tell your husband! you'll regret it, it will cause major trust issues in the future if there even will be one after he is told!! YOu know you done wrong put it down to bad experience that will never happen again! you'd be mad to tell him!if a boyfriend made a mistake like that and he regretted it I would'nt want to know as if he told me I think it would be over for me! as long as he did'nt have sex and put my health at risk and he really felt bad about it i'd rather not know.

peasant

422nd wrote: »

Counseling isn't gonna get you anywhere. That is totally unfair. If anyone needs a bloody counselor it's your husband who has been so utterly betrayed. No. No one is perfect. People cheat. But as far as I'm concerned you running off to counseling to try make yourself feel better is in fact just making this whole thing about you and how upset you are. If you have ANY respect for that man you will contact him immediately and own up for what you have done. You are being nothing but selfish every second you keep this from him.

Admit to him what you've done and face the consequences like an adult.

Oh yeah, ring the hubby right now, at stupid o'clock in the morning in Japan and bleat into his ear how you nearly/definitely/almost/kinda/not cheated on him ...that's going to sort everything out :rolleyes:

Councelling sounds like a good idea to me, OP ...might help you find a persepctive on things.

422nd

No way! Why does she deserve to go to a counselor and be told everything is gonna be fine and let herself recover, when she was the one who f*cked up? All the while he goes on oblivious to the whole thing. She made a commitment to him when she married him and she broke it. Whatever if this was just some relationship. But cheating after tieing the knot... I feel must be admitted to him asap.

It is totally unfair to let him live his life not knowing, when it is ultimately his decision whether or not they stay together. She is not allowed just keep this to herself until she gets over it. Everyone must suffer consequences for their actions and personally I don't think regret and guilt should be considered as real consequences.

peasant

422nd wrote: »

No way! Why does she deserve to go to a counselor and be told everything is gonna be fine and let herself recover, when she was the one who f*cked up? All the while he goes on oblivious to the whole thing. She made a commitment to him when she married him and she broke it. Whatever if this was just some relationship. But cheating after tieing the knot... I feel must be admitted to him asap.

It is totally unfair to let him live his life not knowing, when it is ultimately his decision whether or not they stay together. She is not allowed just keep this to herself until she gets over it. Everyone must suffer consequences for their actions and personally I don't think regret and guilt should be considered as real consequences.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

A drunken snog and a fumble is a molehill. Whatever about telling the hubby if they were living together (I still wouldn't), calling him over this long distance and trying to sort this over the phone (and half the globe) will not work.
Calling the hubby = end of marriage. An issue like this can only be discussed face to face (if it needs to be discussed at all)

However, the molehill might yet be a mountain as the OP is now questioning her whole marriage over this. In this situation councelling is a good thing. It'll help the OP to focus her mind and address the issue properly (or not at all as the case may be) once they see each other again.

422nd

Nuh uh. No way. I have to say I completely disagree with you.

And as you said. She's now questioning her whole marriage. While he goes on oblivious to the whole thing. If this has made her question her marriage then feck mountains and molehills. This is a f*cking planet of a problem and if his god damn marriage is at stake here, he deserves to know. It's now gotten to the point where there is a discussion on a web site about how potentially screwed up his marriage is and he doesn't even know about it. This man has been completely disrespected and betrayed by not only his WIFE, but a gathering of strangers who think he doesn't deserve to know!

seenitall

peasant wrote: »

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

A drunken snog and a fumble is a molehill. Whatever about telling the hubby if they were living together (I still wouldn't), calling him over this long distance and trying to sort this over the phone (and half the globe) will not work.
Calling the hubby = end of marriage. An issue like this can only be discussed face to face (if it needs to be discussed at all)

However, the molehill might yet be a mountain as the OP is now questioning her whole marriage over this. In this situation councelling is a good thing. It'll help the OP to focus her mind and address the issue properly (or not at all as the case may be) once they see each other again.

Agree with the bolded part, with the addition of: an issue like this absolutely needs to be discussed. Secrets are generally bad for relationships, and that goes doubly for guilty secrets - no matter what kind of epiphany happens at the counsellor's, the facts will still remain the same: one person was played around on, denied of knowing the truth, and is therefore disempowered as to making an informed decision about the relationship, a decision which is absolutely his right to make.

This is just my 2 cents, though... OP will do what her own conscience can live with, and it seems that she has decided on her course of action anyway. I would not like to be in her husband's position, that's all; not because she kissed another guy and enjoyed it, but because it will forever more be her guilty little secret - that's not fair or right.

peasant

422nd wrote: »

This is a f*cking planet of a problem and if his god damn marriage is at stake here, he deserves to know.

Now just assume for a moment the hubby is of my line of thinking (I'm a husband too) and doesn't see this as the kind of earth shattering tragedy you do.

How is the poor fecker to fight his corner if his wife rings him in tears at some stupid hour of the morning, confessing, questioning their relationship, possibly talking about ending it all?

The guy is in Japan ...he can't just step through the phone, take her in his arms and tell her that everything is going to be alright.
He is denied all postive action (ever tried to solve a relationship problem over the phone? ...it doesn't work) yet you propose to pour this mess right over him and leave him sitting there in his pathetic hotel room feeling sorry for himself, getting angry ...how is that going to help?

Counselling for the OP sounds like a much better option to me ...and then address whatever needs to be addressed when they see each other again and the OP has a clear head.

G-Money

I'm not going to say whether you should tell him or not. But if things are not as "exciting" in the bedroom, you have to realise that it takes two to tango. I don't know if you've tried to change things but it would be unfair to lay all the blame on his doorstep when it's a situation that's 50/50.

422nd

For your information I have solved many a relationship problem over the phone. Including cheating.

And I can't believe you're taking it so far as to assume his opinion of the matter. If that's the case he could think exactly like me. But the thing is, we don't know that. The OP can't even know that unless they've addressed this problem before. So therefore people need to stop guessing how he feels about it and how he might react and the OP needs to go and tell him asap, whether it be over the phone, or her flying out to see him. If this is so important to her she'll do the latter. But regardless of how he's going to react he needs to be told so that he at least is given the opportunity to react.

peasant

422nd wrote: »

And I can't believe you're taking it so far as to assume his opinion of the matter.

I'm doing no such thing, I don't know the man, I'm saying what I would do.

But nothing in this world is black and white, not even relationships.
This particular relationship is under enough strain as it is with the long distance and the long separations.

IMO, a drunken snog and fumble IS a molehill and personally I would treat it as such and honestly, I wouldn't even want to know about it. I would trust my wife to do the right thing, pull her socks up and deal with it quietly (and quickly)

I definitely wouldn't want to know about it if the marriage was already under pressure with this long distance crap ...more pressure is the last thing it needs.

All of this is of course under the assumption that both parties want the marriage to continue and hopefully return back to normal at some point in the future.

My opinion ...nothing else

liah

Yep. YOUR opinion. Let the husband make one of his own.

If he's involved he has a right to know what's going on, end of. I hate how everyone here always recommends people hide when they cheat. If I'm cheated on I want to know so I can make an informed decision as to whether or not I want to be in a relationship with someone who would do that. Regardless of whether you may think it's a molehill, or a mountain, I may have a different opinion and would like to make the choice. Her husband has that right, everyone has that right.

When you're in a relationship it's no longer just about you. It's about you and another person. And they deserve to be informed if it's something that relates directly to their relationship-- and this definitely does, as it was a clear breech of the trust it's built on.

LegacyUser

grandmaster wrote: »

I'm not going to say whether you should tell him or not. But if things are not as "exciting" in the bedroom, you have to realise that it takes two to tango. I don't know if you've tried to change things but it would be unfair to lay all the blame on his doorstep when it's a situation that's 50/50.

Re bedroom problems, I'm not placing any of the blame on his doorstep. I want to see a counsiller so that they can help me figure out why I've been thinking the way I have, and to help me get over these stupid feelings in my head that I dont want to be feeling. I know to alot of you it prob doesnt sound like it but I really do love him.

I know 100% that if I tell my husband it will break his heart and our marriage would be over. It was one stupid mistake and I dont want to throw away 9 years over one 10 minute mistake - even as serious as it was (I'm not trying to trivialise it)
I know that the right thing is to tell him - but that would mean losing him completely

Canard

So, wait. You said there's no passion for the last six years yet you married two years ago? If thats right, you got married after 4 years of no passion?

I think you should tell him. One person can't make the decision of whats right for two. It would clearly have an impact on the marriage, you cant just ignore that.

AngryBadger

This thread is being derailed by some of the idiotic posting going on;

OP if you strayed it means there's a problem, infidelity doesn't make you a bad person, but it does mean there's a problem with your relationship, the situation between yourself and your partner sounds less than ideal.

There's no debating that you messed up, if you want to try and fix things coming clean is the only way to go about that, after that if your partner wants to make it work ye need to sit down and hash things out, maybe get a professional third party involved.

We can all throw our weight around as much as we want, and clearly there's a lot of that going on here, but it's as simple as above however we want to paint it.

fungun

Goes back to what I said at the start tbf.....it depends totally on what type of people you are, what reln you have and what values your marriage is based on.....and only you know this.

I have to say though that from your small amount of posting about your husband ("it would definitely be the end", "150% sure he has been faithful")....these type of values make me think he is more the kind of person who would want to know than not.

Denimgirl

I think a lot of people are over exagerating here, it was a kiss and maybe a feel, and a big mistake on her behalf so why not just say nothing! it's making a big issue out of a little blip,I know lots of guys with wives and girlfriends shagging other girls left right and center and they don't say a word not that I condone that behaviour it's a scummy thing to do on someone you suppose to love, but this was just a drunken kiss!big deal! get over it!no need to bring the councelors in!!her marriage could end over this silly mistake if she tells him and personally if the marriage was gonna end it should be for a lot bigger reason than this!

fungun

Denimgirl wrote: »

I think a lot of people are over exagerating here, it was a kiss and maybe a feel, and a big mistake on her behalf so why not just say nothing! it's making a big issue out of a little blip,I know lots of guys with wives and girlfriends shagging other girls left right and center and they don't say a word not that I condone that behaviour it's a scummy thing to do on someone you suppose to love, but this was just a drunken kiss!big deal! get over it!no need to bring the councelors in!!her marriage could end over this silly mistake if she tells him and personally if the marriage was gonna end it should be for a lot bigger reason than this!

depends what your values are. Lots of people have relationships like you say where this might not matter. Others have relationships based on truth and honesty. Depends totally on the reln.

Other point in the back of my mind is.....went for a fumble out the front for 10 mins and none of your friends suspect? I doubt it.....if you were throwing up, you would smell of it....you can be sure they have wondered. All it would take is some argument/drunken comment in the future for this to potentially come out. Id feel the pressure all my life keeping a secret like this.

Denimgirl

it's not a major secret though! it's not worth ending a marriage over! coz he may just do that when?if she tells him! it's a silly thing she done!but just put it down to that!

fungun

Denimgirl wrote: »

it's not a major secret though! it's not worth ending a marriage over! coz he may just do that when?if she tells him! it's a silly thing she done!but just put it down to that!

er....she thinks her husband would leave her if he knew. That makes it a pretty major secret, even if you or she thinks its not

Denimgirl

well everybody has different opinions!it's not as if she had sex with him or anything!my opinion to the OP is say nothing!think about it OP the pain will be much worse if your husband leaves you over this drunken kiss!