Am i being unreasonable?

LegacyUser

Im still at home in my late 20s with 3 more brothers in their late 20s/early 30s. Im getting quite tired and sick of my mother's behaviour and how she lets my brothers away without paying their share. She even makes excuses for them when i question it.

She expects housekeeping of €50 a week. But she only expects it of me. The lads don't pay a cent and its been like that for as long as i remember. So i pay €50 a week, i buy my own food also on top of this. The lads however dont pay housekeeping and dont buy their own food. They get everything done for them. She allows them to sit in front of the tv all day long, drink all weekend long while she makes their beds, wash their clothes, irons them, buys their food and cooks it for them.

She lets them away with it for various reasons even though they can afford it. Most of the time they dont work but they do get the odd job but they only work to save for their next holiday or whatever they want. Between jobs they aren't even claiming the dole and they have no money coming in. They were saving for a holiday not so long ago, so they didn't have to pay. One brother has been on 3 holidays so far this year. They are planning another holiday again.

They come back broke and if they need anything at all, my mother gets it for them. She has paid one brother's dentist bills and another brothers doctors and medicine bills and even buys their fags. As for the food, they get everything. Coke, pizzas, biscuits and sweets along with all the essentials milk, cereal, bread. FFS they dont need coke and pizzas. I dont know how cause she is on the dole and doesnt get alot of money from the job on the sly. She only gets 300 euro a week. 350 including my housekeeping. And on that she supports herself and 3 brothers. How? It doesn't seem alot, does it?

Now its beyond me, why she's allowing this from them. And she threw a hissy fit during the week because i forgot to pay. After her fit i am putting my foot down on this and i refuse to pay. I dont even get a dinner after working all day in a job i hate. Her excuse is that i finish late and she can't be holding over dinners all evening. One of my brothers did an evening course last year and he was home late, it didn't stop her holding a dinner over for him ???

She's been making excuses for so long for them and she doesn't give a fk that i am starting college in september and need every cent. Im moving away so dont have long left here. But am i being unreasonable? If she pulls me again, should i throw her a 20 cause that is how much my food costs a week?

RacoonQueen

All this sounds very familiar. Irish mammys and their relationship with their sons...

All you can do is talk to her about it, she might not even realise she is doing it. Generally, girls are expected to be the responsible ones with jobs, cleaning up after themselves, cooking etc etc

Chinafoot

Good lord, nobody beyond their early 20s should be living in their parents home unless its an emergency situation.

Your brothers, and your mother, need to cop on to themselves. Have you spoken to your brothers about not only how tragic living at home with Mammy in your 30s is, but also the unnecessary financial burden they are placing on her?

Edit:

unfair wrote: »

She's been making excuses for so long for them and she doesn't give a fk that i am starting college in september and need every cent. Im moving away so dont have long left here. But am i being unreasonable? If she pulls me again, should i throw her a 20 cause that is how much my food costs a week?

The fact that you are going back to college in your late 20s is your own decision and responsibilty. Your mother does not have to give you free accommodation. Its pretty cheeky to suggest "throwing her a 20" instead of actually paying for your board there. You are an adult and are not entitled to anything, regardless of how she treats your siblings. As it is now you pay her €200 a month and buy your own food. I'm assuming you have your own room, yes? I'd like to see you get a decent room in a house share for that money. Thats incredibly reasonable. Tbh OP, you sound jealous that you're not getting away with sponging off your mother rather than being concerned for her financial well-being due to the shoddy treatment of her by your brothers. Why on earth would you expect her to cook your dinner for you? Can you hear yourself? It seems like its not just your brothers that have a terrible sense of entitlement at the expense of your mother. You are what, 28/29? Make your own dinner ffs.

So to answer your question...yes, you are being horribly unreasonable. You are an adult. Take some responsibility for yourself and drop the disgusting attitude.

LegacyUser

50 Euro a week is not an awful lot for your mother to ask. You should be so grateful that you are still under her roof at your age. You seem very bitter and envious of your brothers who are unemployed while you go out to work in a job you hate. Guess what? Half the country are in the same boat of being unemployed. Its not the fault of your brothers. Get a grip instead of pitying yourself working in a job you hate and trying to save for college. Welcome to the real world. There are people with a lot more serious problems.
If you are not happy living at home - move. Not next week, not next month, not september - NOW

LegacyUser

Reading your post, the one i pity is your mother. She should be free of all that crap. God bless her.

How much would you be able to save for college if you were to pay a landlord every week/month. Not a lot I can tell you. You should be grateful

28064212

abc456ghi wrote: »

50 Euro a week is not an awful lot for your mother to ask. You should be so grateful that you are still under her roof at your age. You seem very bitter and envious of your brothers who are unemployed while you go out to work in a job you hate. Guess what? Half the country are in the same boat of being unemployed. Its not the fault of your brothers. Get a grip instead of pitying yourself working in a job you hate and trying to save for college. Welcome to the real world. There are people with a lot more serious problems.
If you are not happy living at home - move. Not next week, not next month, not september - NOW

unreg.writer wrote: »

Reading your post, the one i pity is your mother. She should be free of all that crap. God bless her.

How much would you be able to save for college if you were to pay a landlord every week/month. Not a lot I can tell you. You should be grateful

In fairness, the OP isn't saying that she doesn't agree with paying the €50, the problem is that she has to pay it while her siblings don't, and don't contribute in any way. 3 holidays in one year FFS! She is being treated very unfairly in comparison to her siblings, which is what she has said. It's not exactly an unreasonable complaint

trebor28

no winners here.
is this op a male or female?
someone thinks its female and i dont see where they are getting this from??
i dont think you are being completely unreasonable.
chinafoot is being unreasonable in my view.
your mother is also an adult and she should be able to make up her own mind and make decisions for herself.
your other siblings are completely taking her for a ride and she is letting them.
i have been in a similar situation though not quite as bad id say.
parents take favourites and there is very little you can do about it.
to me you need to cut your ties with them as in move out and just let your brothers rot there if thats what they so wish.
it'd be your mothers fault for rearing them this way imo.
if you dont train your dog not to **** on the floor he will **** on the floor! simple as.
they have learned that this is ok so they continue with it.
it seems to me your mother doesnt think much of your siblings and thinks they cant fend for themselves so she'll stay looking after them.
whereas even though she doesnt say it, typical irish mammy/daddy, she thinks you can look after yourself and this is why she demands you pull your own weight.

LegacyUser

Op here, anyway as expected im getting replys that says that im being unreasonable. I guess thats other peoples views on the situation.

Chinafoot, i don't expect anyone to cook for me. I was just saying what the lads get and they dont pay for it. Surely a couple of spuds isn't to much to ask for especially while she's putting them on anyway?

Abc456ghi, its been going on for years long before the recession started so please dont blame it all on the recession. They get offered work and they still dont take it.

coffee_cake

trebor28 wrote: »

no winners here.
is this op a male or female?
someone thinks its female and i dont see where they are getting this from??

From typical irish mammy syndrome - pamper the boys and to hell with the girls. At a guess, I might bet she's a girl too.

IzzyWizzy

Grow up. Move out. You're moaning about them, but 50 quid a week is an absolute pittance to give your mother for housekeeping. Your mother obviously suffers from Irish Mammy Syndrome and doesn't mind being taken advantage of, it's up to yourself and your siblings to cop yourselves on. I'm 25 and I honestly can't even imagine living at home at my age, let alone refusing to pay anything. It really is pretty pathetic. You wouldn't live in a house share for free, so why do you expect to do the same now? Just because your brothers don't pay doesn't make it right. Some parents just don't do the best by their kids, and your mother certainly hasn't done any of you any favours by babying you to this extent. She probably has good intentions but most of her kids have come to absolutely nothing and all are sponging off her as grown adults.

I get that it's 'not fair' that you have to pay and they don't. But you don't seem to get that you're also being pampered. Move out tomorrow, get a room in a house share, pay for all your rent, bills, food, bin tags, internet, TV and then ask yourself if your mam is so unreasonable. I actually can't believe an adult in their late 20's could have this attitude. You're going to get a very, very nasty shock when reality hits.

LegacyUser

28064212 - i think the op does in fact have a problem paying the 50 euro a week housekeeping. the fact that she spoke of withholding it and asking should she throw her mother a 20 to shut her up.

op do you not see anything wrong with your attitude. You are working earning a full wage. Your brothers are unemployed - they dont have the money or the means to pay it. Look! Unless your mother won the lotto or came into thousands of euro by another means there is no way your mother pays for their holidays. If she was that rich she would not be on social welfare. This would tell me that your brothers do in fact work so that they can afford holidays, either that or they are taking loans or getting money elsewhere. Work is obviously low for them. They are not taking in a weekly wage. You are. Stop comparing yourself to them.

Chinafoot

28064212 wrote: »

In fairness, the OP isn't saying that she doesn't agree with paying the €50, the problem is that she has to pay it while her siblings don't, and don't contribute in any way. 3 holidays in one year FFS! She is being treated very unfairly in comparison to her siblings, which is what she has said. It's not exactly an unreasonable complaint

No the OP stated that she was planning to refuse to pay her mother the €50 a week and only "throw her a 20" as that is what her food costs. Becasue she seems to think that if her brothers don't have to pay she shoudln't either. Yes, its crap that her brothers get away with it and the solution would be to move out. She's 28/29...what on earth is she doing back with Mammy?? Deciding to go back to college is her choice and hers alone and to gripe about €200 a month, particularly when she has stated how little money her mother has and how much living in the real world would cost her, is pretty disgraceful. Her focus should be on makng her brothers realise how disgusting their behaviour is. Grown men sponging off their mother. And yes, her mother absolutely must take responsibility as she is enabling the behaviour.

Stop comparing yourself to your brothers and realise that such behaviour is wrong no matter who else gets what.

OP, on the dinner issue, your mother has given you her reasons why she doesn't want to keep you dinner, and again, if you don't like it move out. You shouldn't be expecting anything from her anyway. You are griping about your brothers not paying, but to be perfectly frank, you sound like you'd be perfectly happy to do exactly the same if you were given the chance.

Also, if you only want posts that back you up, why bother posting here?

bellylint

Hey Op, offhand I dont think you are unreasonable but just not directing your actions at the right target. At a base line you no matter what way you look at you are not getting a bad run. The only thing is your bros are taking advantage of the situation. I think people are just here are just saying you have a great situation, if you look at your situation in exclusion you have it good. Many people dont have that. Its when you take you bro's into consideration thats where things start to fall down a bit. I wouldnt take out your anger on your mum but try to focus on the positive, know that you are doing the right thing by giving her the money that she asks for. From reading what you have wrote I dont think your issue is down to the money that you are asked for, but the free ride your bro's are getting. If you try to approach the issue by just digging your heels in. you will be seen to be in the wrong and obstinate. If you are interested in resolving the scenario I think you will only be making your life tougher.

Ticktactoe

I would just move out. Get some independance and start enjoying life!

Beruthiel

unfair wrote: »

Im still at home in my late 20s with 3 more brothers in their late 20s/early 30s. Im getting quite tired and sick of my mother's behaviour and how she lets my brothers away without paying their share. She even makes excuses for them when i question it.

Wow.
How your mother is able to manage having all of her adult children still living in her house if quite beyond me.
I've always said, it is very difficult to become a well rounded, grown up adult while still under the roof of your parents. The above confirms it.

At this stage in your lives, you should all be living in your own homes, learning to fend for yourselves and leaving your mother to put her feet up for a well earned retirement from looking after her children.

If you do not like the way she's running the house, move out.
Simple.

Ickle Magoo

unfair wrote: »

Op here, anyway as expected im getting replys that says that im being unreasonable. I guess thats other peoples views on the situation.

Chinafoot, i don't expect anyone to cook for me. I was just saying what the lads get and they dont pay for it. Surely a couple of spuds isn't to much to ask for especially while she's putting them on anyway?

Abc456ghi, its been going on for years long before the recession started so please dont blame it all on the recession. They get offered work and they still dont take it.

Bottom line is how your mother wishes her house to operate is up to her. If she's happy running after three grown men then that's a rod she wants for her own back or she'd have done something about it by now.

I'd spend less time looking at what other people aren't doing and more time concentrating on when you get to move out and become independent - it's not worth falling out over. I think everyone (should?) get to a certain age when living at home becomes unbearable and that is what drives us to have our independence. I think you are just feeling that now.

Best of luck.

Ticktactoe

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think everyone (should?) get to a certain age when living at home becomes unbearable and that is what drives us to have our independence. I think you are just feeling that now.

I agree with this, it just happens sooner for some than others.

OP if the situation is starting to irritate you, then remove yourself from it. Take a step back. Seriously, getting your own place will do wonders for you and this problem. If your mother wants to mother these grown men for the rest of their lives, well thats her and their decision. You dont have to be a part of it. And this frustration that you are feeling because of it is doing you no good.

LegacyUser

I had very similar treatment at home. My mother was extremely sexist. I remember I worked fcuk crazy hours for weeks and weeks. What pushed me over the edge was getting a day off for the first time in ages, telling everybody that i was exhausted and needed a lie in for my day off and not to call me, and my mother, what did she do but call me at 8.15 in the morning on my day off to go to the shops. Unforgivable!
im a lot more happier and content now paying rent to a landlord and paying for bills than i ever was paying housekeeping. Move op.

LeahK

I live at home and am in my mid twenties. I dont see how that is "disgraceful". I am currently saving for a house and my parents prefare me to be saving every penny I have towards that rather than giving it to a landlord, so I moved back home after renting for years. Likewise Im sure when the OP is gone back to college, her mam wanted to support her as much as possible. Not everyone is in a position to rent and I know when im a parent I will want to help my kids as much as I can regardless of their age.

OP, if you mam is nice enough to let you live there for a reasonable amount well then you cant really complain about her also being nice to your brothers. IMO your all lucky to have a lovely Mammy who obviously likes to take care her family. I'm sure she has enough on her plate without you fighting over who gets prefarential treatment (a little juvenile)

You cant really base an argument on a few spuds either..:rolleyes: