In this thread pretend to be male

SugarHigh

brb making ground breaking scientific discovery's, designing/building almost everything you see and being able to open jam jars.

bronte

Can't talk...too busy using my girlfriend's razor to shave and not rinsing it.

Ooh that looks like a nice clean facecloth...think I'll use it to wash my happy place.

Did I leave the milk out on the counter again?

Tar.Aldarion

lmao, this was bound to happen, surprised it lasted so long.

soz busy opening jars, protecting people from spiders/mice and mowing the law/chopping trees. Break from my job drinking diet coke outside womens offices in high rise american cities.

bronte

I'm too important to share the duvet....duh.

My girlfriend finds my incessant sleep-talking cute...honest.

It never drives her to miss an entire nights sleep and post on internet forums at 4.43 in the morning.

Ever.

Tilt Gone

Im hungry = i'm hungry
I'm thirsty= I'm thirsty
You look lovely tonight - I'm looking to get my leg over
No = No
Yes = yes
I'm not sure = I'm not sure
I'm not in the mood honey = I just had a sneaky **** before you entered the room.
I'm going out for one or two pints = see you tommorrow soom time, if you're lucky
I'll do it tommorrow. = I'll do it before the next full moon
I'm broke = I only have enough money for pints with the lads.
Your a great kisser = Lets have sex
No i don't fancy her she's not my type = I do fancy her but i'm not that stupid to tell you that
I take ages in the bathroom = i'm masturbating yay!!

Us lads aren't the hard to figure out really are we??

4zn76tysfajdxp

*fap fap fap*

almostnever

I have a penis.

Thoie

I'm so depressed that I'm not having multiple orgasms that I'm taking it out on the packages in the fridge. I carefully rip each one open in such a way that there is no hope that some part of the contents might avoid drying out completely in the next 24 hours. I've also opened the sliced pan lengthways down the side so that all the slices go hard and mouldy simultaneously.

You nagged me so much to do some housework that I finally gave in and washed the sitting room ceiling. With a mop. And I missed bits. And I left the bucket and mop leaning against your side of the sofa. But you can't complain, I helped around the house! Why, no, I hadn't noticed that the kitchen counters needed a bit of a wipe, or that the bathroom sink was covered in shavings.

NothingMan

My house, my rules.








She didn't hear me, did she?

gogo

Its a gorgeous day out, sun is shining, so I think Ill just hog the couch with my hand on my balls watching as much sport as possible for the next five hours.
Might as well watch the golf on the laptop and the world cup on the telly, that way every option is covered. She can read the paper, well actually I'll need the paper as well, to read yesterdays results.

I have left some dirty clothes and shoes in every room Ive gone into this morning so that should keep herself occupied while i watch the telly.

I think I will wear the t-shirt from the bottom of the pile, so what If I knock over a few on top, and if that t-shirt isnt the one I want, sure I can re-fold/scrunch it perfectly and put it back on top.

I like to leave pens on my shirt pockets, sure isnt that why she buys vanish for, a few black pen marks on the rest of the wash only makes buying vanish worthwhile.

Absurdum

****

Creamy Goodness

Outraged at this thread, if the roles were reversed and it was "pretend to be a female" The thread would be closed so fast...

The Davestator

Thoie wrote: »

I'm so depressed that I'm not having multiple orgasms that I'm taking it out on the packages in the fridge. I carefully rip each one open in such a way that there is no hope that some part of the contents might avoid drying out completely in the next 24 hours. I've also opened the sliced pan lengthways down the side so that all the slices go hard and mouldy simultaneously.
You nagged me so much to do some housework that I finally gave in and washed the sitting room ceiling. With a mop. And I missed bits. And I left the bucket and mop leaning against your side of the sofa. But you can't complain, I helped around the house! Why, no, I hadn't noticed that the kitchen counters needed a bit of a wipe, or that the bathroom sink was covered in shavings.

Brilliant

Dravokivich

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NN3eBvZvUXk

As per instructional video above there are 2 types of men... but regardless... a man's gotta do... what a man's gotta do...

Elbow

gogo wrote: »

Its a gorgeous day out, sun is shining, so I think Ill just hog the couch with my hand on my balls watching as much sport as possible for the next five hours.
Might as well watch the golf on the laptop and the world cup on the telly, that way every option is covered. She can read the paper, well actually I'll need the paper as well, to read yesterdays results.

Where you hiding in my sitting room yesterday?

TanG411

''Bring me a god-damn sandwich''.

I'm not going to discuss anything and if something bothers me I'll go around sulking and refusing to talk about it because I'm a man and manly men never get emotional, and of course sulking isn't being emotional.
Except when we're dying from the man flu and on our last legs, then everyone needs to sympathise with our moaning.

gogo

Cereal is not breakfast, cereal is what you have when you are thinking about what to have for breakfast.

stovelid

Shut up. The football's on.

Kimia

She's talking to me yay! She must fancy me. Oh you have a boyfriend? You tease.

She's not talking to me. What a rude bítch.

FruitLover

bluewolf wrote: »

if something bothers me I'll go around sulking and refusing to talk about it

I think you've got the wrong thread mate, this one is supposed to go in the women's one!

FruitLover

FruitLover wrote: »

I think you've got the wrong thread mate, this one is supposed to go in the women's one!

No, it definitely belongs in the men's one.
Of course "we" men think going quiet not talking about issues is just being manly, so don't cop that it's sulking.

bonerm

"I must work out where this g-spot thing is so I can give my lady better orgasms."

easyeason3

Let me just stand three feet away from the toilet bowl & see if I can get all my piss in without destroying the bowl or indeed the surrounding area while I leisurely scratch my ball sack so my pubes will fall onto the clean bathroom floor. If I have the time I might also pick around my asshole for a while.

It's great being a man.

lalee17

*kills something*

NothingMan

*Walks calmly away from explosion*

up for anything

*Looks in the mirror muttering positive affirmations - 'I am a selfish wanker.'

SugarHigh

Thoie wrote: »

I'm so depressed that I'm not having multiple orgasms that I'm taking it out on the packages in the fridge. I carefully rip each one open in such a way that there is no hope that some part of the contents might avoid drying out completely in the next 24 hours. I've also opened the sliced pan lengthways down the side so that all the slices go hard and mouldy simultaneously.

You nagged me so much to do some housework that I finally gave in and washed the sitting room ceiling. With a mop. And I missed bits. And I left the bucket and mop leaning against your side of the sofa. But you can't complain, I helped around the house! Why, no, I hadn't noticed that the kitchen counters needed a bit of a wipe, or that the bathroom sink was covered in shavings.

I find the clear undertones of misandry in this post disgusting...:pac:

up for anything

bonerm wrote: »

"I must work out where this g-spot thing is so I can give my lady better orgasms."

That is such a bad pretence of being male!

storm2811

My girlfriend/sister/wife just washed all the floors,I better bring all my friends back from football and walk in with our boots on so we'll leave clumps of dirt everywhere.

Later on we'll take up the couch and watch football while drinking beer and spill it on the table but not clean it up so it'll leave a sticky mess.

When we have to pee lets all have a competition to see who can piss the most with our eyes closed!

Then when I'm in bed I'll fart a lot so when my wife/girlfriend lifts up the sheets it'll stink so bad she might even get sick a bit.

Yaaaay!

No way I won't go down the shop to buy you tampons,that's DIGUSTING!

Unique User Name

Can't stay for long. I'm too busy being promoted to a senior position in the company ahead of women who are more qualified and have more experience

Thoie

SugarHigh wrote: »

I find the clear undertones of misandry in this post disgusting...:pac:

*deep voice*
I can't be misandrous I'm a man, and I don't know what that means.
*scratch/stretch/burp*
/deep voice

pickarooney

Right, now to abandon my family like the heartless monster I am. Mwuoahahahaha!

Lando Griffin

Organising night out with buddy on phone.
Pint?
Now.
Local.

Earthhorse

easyeason3 wrote: »

Let me just stand three feet away from the toilet bowl & see if I can get all my piss in without destroying the bowl or indeed the surrounding area while I leisurely scratch my ball sack so my pubes will fall onto the clean bathroom floor. If I have the time I might also pick around my asshole for a while.

It's great being a man.

*sends easyseason3 a PM*

FearDark

*cocks leg*

aaaaaaannnd..

*VIOLENTLY FARTS*

stovelid

FearDark wrote: »

*cocks leg*

aaaaaaannnd..

*VIOLENTLY FARTS*

TAXI

/no returns

mikom

*Upon discovering a skid mark in the toilet*

"I wonder can I remove this with the contents of my bladder?"

OutlawPete

*Says what he means*

*Wonders why his house looks like no man lives there*

*Talks to mates on phone and doesn't bitch about them after*

*Has an argument, doesn't start crying or change the subject*

*Lets people out of side roads*

*Thanks drivers for letting him change lane*

*Goes shopping for T-Shirts and Jeans, buys just T-Shirts and Jeans, comes home*

*Watches movie at the cinema without talking to partner about who the actors and actresses are dating*

*faps about girl working in T-Shirts & Jeans shop*

Duggy747

Aw crap, I got to get up for work in 5 minutes............

*6 minutes later*

Throws on pants
Throws on top

Ah, there we go!

alwaysadub

No, i'd never just use you for sex.

Tar.Aldarion

<words here>

any word ever

<meaning here>

sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex

SquirrelFace

*sits back with legs spread wide, scratching treasure trail with one hand, then belches loudly*

I think Ill eat some more food. And by that I mean the entire contents of the fridge, all rolled into a sandwich...

starbelgrade

I know what the gears in a car are for & don't stay in 5th once I get into it.

starbelgrade

Man to woman; "I love the way you park the car honey - it always reminds me of Austin Powers"

easyeason3

starbelgrade wrote: »

I know what the gears in a car are for & don't stay in 5th once I get into it.

I also like to think of my car as an extension of my penis in order to make myself feel better

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Haha, men are just awesome...

ScumLord

What's the best way to beat a clock radio, it's disobeying my orders.

alexa5x5

If a girl is nice to me she must want my cock, if she not nice to me shes a bitch.

Wash my hands after going to the loo, nagh!

Wear suncream, nah thats gay!

Talk about how I feel, no way, I expect you to read my mind!

Wolf Whistle at a random girl, they love that!

Scratch myself in public, no one will ever see me!

Giselle

Drive 20k over the limit/cause bumper pile up/blame slower women drivers for causing accidents.

Examines beer gut in mirror/admire hairy back/scratch balls/conclude I'm irresistable.

Belch/fart/scratch balls/wink at gf/wonder why she isn't keen on sex.

Complain about weasly toadys in work being promoted ahead of me even though everyone knows its only because they ass lick all day/accuse gf of being a bitch if she says something negative about co-worker.

Eat lovingly prepared meal in two minutes, launch myself on sofa, watch tv while gf cleans up and removes all traces of my mess/wonder why she's in a huff at bedtime.

Be very insensitive about gf's new haircut/laugh at her in a short skirt/tell her its time to get her 'tache waxed/wonder why she's upset and how on earth she expects you to know whats wrong.

Hog the bog for an hour with paper or laptop/don't open window/leave skids on all surfaces of loo and possibly seat/expect her to laugh at the smell.

GF asks for more foreplay/offer to brush teeth first.

Wazdakka

ScumLord wrote: »

What's the best way to beat a clock radio, it's disobeying my orders.

Same way that you beat the dishwasher..

Tell her in a stern voice to get back to work,
Then tweak her nipples...

If the problem persists, give her a black eye.