Facebook Relationship Status

LegacyUser

Facebook is great isn't, seems to cause more arguments in relationships than anything else.

Well the same is happening to me. Been going out with my gf for about 4-5 months now. Over the last few months she has been getting onto me to change my relationship status, like she has done. I refused, but yet she keeps bringing it up, and it has caused a few arguments.

This is my view on the whole thing. I don't show my relationship status (it's just not visible to anyone), I don't show my political or religious views. I never had (even for previous gf's which was never a problem with them) It's my personal business (I tend to keep personal info to myself, rarely feel to need to share it with anybody), and I don't feel the need to let the whole world know, regardless of facebook privacy settings etc. I cringe everytime I see a notice about somebodys relationship status changing, and then comments "finally, she/he was ****".

We go out every week with our friends, it's clear we are a couple. 90% of our friends on facebook know we are a couple (the other 10% would be randomers), so why does she need facebook to tell her?

I'm been stubborn here, I know. But I dunno if I can give in, I really do hate facebook, the only reason I signed up is to keep in touch with my old college mates.

Somebody, help me understand how she can get so upset over something like this? I just don't get it at all!

Taltos

Have you tried asking her?

wonderfulname

I'm 100% on your side with this, I've never shown my relationship stats never will either, I mean its not like you had it set to "single" and never changed it.

Q: Are you just refusing or are you explaining your reasons? If your just refusing it can easily look as though your embarrassed of her or not fully committed.
She seems to be seeing this as a measure of the seriousness of your relationship (ridiculous I know!) so maybe instead of feeding any doubts she may have by replying to her in all negatives (I won't.. Its not..) you could try giving positive reinforcement to the relationship so she understands how you feel for her and no longer views your facebook profile as a sign of anything.

it's clear we are a couple. 90% of our friends on facebook know we are a couple (the other 10% would be randomers), so why does she need facebook to tell her?

She needs you to tell her

tenchi-fan

account - privacy settings - custom - customise settings - and change "Relationships" to "only me". That way it won't show you as single or seeing someone.

Or even better, change it to "custom" , "make visible to specific people" and type in your girlfriend's name and maybe a couple of her friends too. After you do this, change your relationship status to whatever she wants it to say. she'll be happy but no one else will even see your relationship status.

LegacyUser

Sorry, probably not much help but for comparison I'm in the opposite situation, I have a relationship request pending from a guy I've been seeing for over a year (living in different countries so only together in person maybe 3-4 months in person). As soon as we started being serious he wanted to change his status, so did, I'm not comfortable with letting all of fb know and (as far as I know) he's fine with that. As soon as I got the request I explained to him why I didn't want to reciprocate, telling all of fb something that is none of their business and stupid questions, the people who matter to me know in real life.

His RL people know about me, mine know about him, but I just have more casual aquaintences who I really don't want asking me about it, people I knew in person 10 even 20 years ago.

Like I say maybe he is not happy but any time I ask him he says he understands my reasons, he knows my status is single not because I want another partner just because I don't think it is anyones elses business. He knows I'm not trying to pick up someone better. He trusts me.

LegacyUser

We go out every week with our friends, it's clear we are a couple.

but have you told your friends you're a couple, do you introduce her as "your girlfriend"?More importantly have you actually told - her - you are a couple. Sounds like its less about facebook, more about you "verbally" committing to her. shes obviously looking for you to show some form of commitment to her...

account - privacy settings - custom - customise settings - and change "Relationships" to "only me". That way it won't show you as single or seeing someone.

Or even better, change it to "custom" , "make visible to specific people" and type in your girlfriend's name and maybe a couple of her friends too. After you do this, change your relationship status to whatever she wants it to say. she'll be happy but no one else will even see your relationship status.

why would he do that, thats just being deceitful, more likely to cause even more trouble if/when she found out.

wonderfulname

^^^^
I'm sure she'd love that when she finds out...

FewToLose

Personally I can see where she's coming from, if anything it's an acknowledgement of a relationship for her and it will let other guys know that she is taken. I would be rather upset if I was with a guy for that long and he hadn't displayed it, no matter whether he was an open or reserved kinda guy. It's a modern way of making it official and refusal to do so may give the impression that there's a deeper reason for it

magneticimpulse

its all part of the FB culture now. and i would be annoyed if a bf didnt want to say we were in a relationship. maybe she is really excited about being in a relationship with you. its like saying whats the point in getting engaged or getting married down the road? as everybody knows your a couple?

sometimes its better in relationships to just go along with these "minor" things. if your only dating after 4/5 months and this is already annoying you....there will be plenty of other major serious things to deal with.

id just go along with adding it instead of having a fight about it. its the new way these days to declare your an item. if you join up to FB, sometimes you just have to go with the flow of how it normally goes. its about expressing your life in public, thats what facebook is all about, and your relationship is obvisously important to her. she prob thinking why is he making such a fuss over it? is it that difficult just to say your in a relationship on FB??

LegacyUser

OP, I'm entirely with you.

Why should you label yourself for all and sundry? Relationships are personal, Facebook isn't - it's for good friends, acquaintances and whoever you're having yourself!

It's cringe-making to see people single/in a relationship/single again/oh, back in the relationship when you're not good friends of theirs. I don't want to know who they're sleeping with or when their big love affair has fallen apart. They couldn't possibly want me to know something as personal as that about them either - it's pure gossip material!

Victor

You could over do it and go for "Married", "It's complicated" or "Widowed".

boxercreations

OP - totally agree - FB status is just crackers - it might be the end of the world when you are 15 but for the rest of us it really doesn't matter.
friend of mine altered their FB details this week just for privacy and altered the single status to "blank" - since then 8 friends have mailed her wanting to know who her new man is cos FB sent messages to all her friends saying she has altered her single status.....
crazy.
Who cares -you love her - she loves you - and I'm not even your FB friend!

R.D. aka MR.D

She might be worried about any number of things.

She could want you to declare to everyone that you guys are going out and might be worried that mutual friends might see her status and start to wonder why you haven’t changed yours.
I know it sounds silly but welcome to the world of facebook.

Maybe she’s worried you have a secret other girlfriend somewhere that would be suspicious upset etc if your status changed.
Again welcome to the world of facebook!

All in all it probably boils down to insecurity. I’d say try to explain to her the best you can that you don’t want people to know everything about you etc.

I’ve had that problem recently. Changed my status to blank and made it private but my OH and I are still together but got a barrage of messages about ‘what happened’. It’s a pain in the ass!!!! Better never to display it in the first place!

LegacyUser

Hey all, thanks for the feedback!

Taltos wrote:

Have you tried asking her?

I have, and she just says that it's what couples do, and that we are a couple. I don't think she really understands my reasons, or is just ignoring them.

wonderfulname wrote:

Q: Are you just refusing or are you explaining your reasons? If your just refusing it can easily look as though your embarrassed of her or not fully committed.
She seems to be seeing this as a measure of the seriousness of your relationship (ridiculous I know!) so maybe instead of feeding any doubts she may have by replying to her in all negatives (I won't.. Its not..) you could try giving positive reinforcement to the relationship so she understands how you feel for her and no longer views your facebook profile as a sign of anything.

No, I have explained the reasons to her, pointing out that I just don't set a status for these. I would understand if I had it set to single and then wouldn't change it, but thats not the case. I just provide these sort of personal info on social sites, I never have.

I can see what your mean by her thinking im not fully committed, but just last month I purchased tickets for the both of us for a gig in October. Now I know that's not really a serious committment, but surely it proves to here I intend to still be here at stage.

I mean, I could set the status now to "in a relationship to x", and turn around next week and break up with her (im actually considering this, just using it as an example). So I agree with you, it is ridiculous to consider this a measure of seriousness and commitment.

tenchi-fan wrote:

account - privacy settings - custom - customise settings - and change "Relationships" to "only me". That way it won't show you as single or seeing someone.

I think that would cause more problems than it would solve.

fb user wrote:

Like I say maybe he is not happy but any time I ask him he says he understands my reasons, he knows my status is single not because I want another partner just because I don't think it is anyones elses business. He knows I'm not trying to pick up someone better. He trusts me.

I understand where you are coming from, but I wouldn't set my status to single to be honest. You know you can just leave it blank, so it won't show your relationship status at all. I can understand why he might not be happy tbh, your not single but your telling everyone on facebook you are, while you could just say nothing at all on facebook.

magneticimpulse wrote:

its all part of the FB culture now. and i would be annoyed if a bf didnt want to say we were in a relationship. maybe she is really excited about being in a relationship with you. its like saying whats the point in getting engaged or getting married down the road? as everybody knows your a couple?

I see what your saying alright. She has admitted to be she doesn't want to get married to anybody, she doesn't see the point of it.

R.D. aka MR.D wrote:

I’ve had that problem recently. Changed my status to blank and made it private but my OH and I are still together but got a barrage of messages about ‘what happened’. It’s a pain in the ass!!!! Better never to display it in the first place!

Thats my thoughts, I have never displayed that sort of information. If I do it now, and if it doesn't work out with her, then I kinda have to do it for any future gf's then. I just don't want to get into that situation at all

Thanks again, I'm grateful for all the feedback and the support

dudara

I thought that this relationship status thing was just for teenagers? Kind of like writing "Sharon & Johnny 4 eva" on the toilet wall.

I suppose you can try to explain to her how you value your relationship and it's privacy more than you value writing something transient on the net.

Taltos

hates_facebook wrote: »

I have, and she just says that it's what couples do, and that we are a couple. I don't think she really understands my reasons, or is just ignoring them.

Sorry OP - but that is pure BS on her part. If she is comfortable with labels and wants to fit squarely into the box then perfect - I think you have a good indicator where this relationship is headed.

Someone who does things just cause it's what is done... well we all know what comes next.

You have a few options.
1. Capitulate on this - and then on everything else she calls out that couples do.
2. Stand your ground and tell her you are sorry she does not trust you nor have the faith in your relationship....
3. Tell her to bog off.
4. De-friend her and watch all hell break loose
5. Stop using Facebook...

To me though while yes I can see where she is coming from - insisting you do this - well it screams insecurity or controlling behaviour. You're both adults so I just don't get it, why does your relationship have to be defined by a textual field on an social website.

<sigh>

m@cc@

Taltos wrote: »

You have a few options.
1. Capitulate on this - and then on everything else she calls out that couples do.
2. Stand your ground and tell her you are sorry she does not trust you nor have the faith in your relationship....
3. Tell her to bog off.
4. De-friend her and watch all hell break loose
5. Stop using Facebook...

Lets try and give some constructive advice, eh?

OP, just explain to her that you don't wish to give all your private information across the web for all to see. You have no issues showing how committed you are to the relationship in person or in public but that you just don't feel the need to broadcast it for all to see on FB.

LegacyUser

OP.....I'm in a 7 year relationship.Was bored the other evening. Messed around on Facebook.Found the button that changes my relationship status and thought "ah sure, I'll change that". So I did.
The flood of smart comments from my "friends" (!) astounded me! I don't think I'd had that much interest shown in anything either I or they might have posted on their pages ever!

It's not "just what couples do". Facebook didn't exist 10 years ago, and couples functioned just fine without it.

Tell her your life is private and you don't want it splashed all over the internet.
Even better, tell her to google her own name and see what pops up and how much info is available about her out there...she'll probably be shocked. Tell her the minute it goes on the internet, it's there forever and since everything else about you is private then why should that be any different. And I think you need to explain to her that in the greater scheme of things Facebook is a drop in the water and is only popular in the here and now and therefore, fairly irrelevant.

Failing that........I've no further helpful suggestions.

Beruthiel

hates_facebook wrote: »

I don't show my political or religious views. I never had (even for previous gf's which was never a problem with them) It's my personal business (I tend to keep personal info to myself, rarely feel to need to share it with anybody), and I don't feel the need to let the whole world know, regardless of facebook privacy settings

I totally understand. Have you explained that to her?
It's Facebook, a social network site on the net for fecks sake, certainly pretty pathetic to be having rows over.
If this is all she has to worry about, then she's one lucky girl.

LegacyUser

"If I do it now, and if it doesn't work out with her"

She could be worried you are thinking this ^^^

fungun

id try to get away from the specifics here and talk about the general.

Relns are all about give and take
She wants you to do sth that you dont particularly want to do (or do u feel very strongly about this?)

What I recommend doing in situations like this is try to think whether you not putting a status update is bothering her a lot more than it would bother you to do it (even if you dont like it) If it actually wouldnt bother you that much, then I would do it as part of wanting her to be happy.

Some people see this as 'pandering' or 'giving in' but these situations are pretty common in all ltrs in my opinion.

My personal opinion on this one is I agree with your feelings of "why should i?", but if it was me i wouldnt feel so strongly about it that i would make my OH unhappy over it, so personally id probably do it.

Ickle Magoo

4-5 months and she's chewing your ear off about not making some public declaration about your relationship, despite whatever efforts you are actually making within the relationship? She sounds high maintenance. :eek:

How old is she btw? Throwing a wobbly because your other-half won't change their FB status is pretty pathetic when you think about it. I think you need to sit her down and have a good discussion about priorities & what you view as important in a relationship because if this is the kind of flack you are getting over something as vacuous as a networking site status then I wouldn't like to be in your shoes if some serious relationship issues surface...

Best of luck.

buswankers

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ +1

Completely agree, I think she is being a bit petty considering you have explained fully your reasons for not wishing to change your status & in every other way u do act like/acknowledge that you are in a relationship with her....
I know this is the age of the internet etc etc & that it may not be that difficult for u to just give in & do what she wants you to do but at the same time if it was me, i'd be thinking if she can go on & on about something so trivial & i back down - what will it be next?!

Just my opinion!

dublingal80

how did her last relationship end? Was she cheated on or was her trust broken in some way.... it could be something that happened in her past that has her completel insecure

Instead of telling her why you wont do that, ask her why she is feeling this way

magneticimpulse

unfortunately you either go with the facebook all the way or you dont...did ya not see that episode on south park??

for someone who is so private about their relationship, i find it odd that you have come onto a public boards forum to discuss your relationship status and get back up that you might think your gf is inmature rather then actually sorting it out between yourselves?? im sure she hasnt even done that.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

4-5 months and she's chewing your ear off about not making some public declaration about your relationship, despite whatever efforts you are actually making within the relationship? She sounds high maintenance. :eek:

How old is she btw? Throwing a wobbly because your other-half won't change their FB status is pretty pathetic when you think about it. I think you need to sit her down and have a good discussion about priorities & what you view as important in a relationship because if this is the kind of flack you are getting over something as vacuous as a networking site status then I wouldn't like to be in your shoes if some serious relationship issues surface...

+1!

She really is making a mountain out of a molehill. She probably couldn't wait to change her status, and thought you'd be the same and is put out that you're not bothered. She's reading way too much into it. And if she's reading so much into this, what'll happen when real problems arise? It's really not fair on you to jump through pointless hoops when you're already showing her by your actions that you really like her. Her insecurity is not your problem. If it wasn't facebook, it'd be something else.

If I was in your position, I'd reassure her and tell her how I felt one more time. I'd then tell her I don't want to talk about it anymore. If she continued to go on about it, I'd walk. Does she not see how insulting it is to you? She's questioning your feelings for her when you've done nothing but show her how much you like her!

Three little words.....too.much.hassle!

OS119

magneticimpulse wrote: »

unfortunately you either go with the facebook all the way or you dont...did ya not see that episode on south park??

for someone who is so private about their relationship, i find it odd that you have come onto a public boards forum to discuss your relationship status and get back up that you might think your gf is imature rather then actually sorting it out between yourselves?? im sure she hasnt even done that.

annonimity and immunity.

you can dip your toe in the stream of public opinion without anyone ever knowing what you said or even that you said anything, and there are no consequences for what you've said - whereas on failbook, and in real life, its all attributable to you and you're accountable for it.

to me, for a very private person, the internet and its anonimity seems to be the perfect place to talk about the personal sphere of our lives - no one can break a confidence, it doesn't matter if someone gets the wrong end of the stick, and you can scream at the top of your voice how much you hate your Wife's bastard sponging sister without your wife throwing a wobbly at you, even if she said the same thing 10 minutes ago.

its like confessional, just without someone touching your 'special places'.

shellyboo

After being in a five-year relationship that fell apart and having to click that "no longer in a relationship" button, thus letting all my friends know before I had a chance to (a) deal with the news myself (b) tell everyone what had happened... I will never, ever, ever display a relationship status again. It was absolutely excruciating. Some things should be kept private, and if she can't understand your wish to do that - prioritising how things "look" - then perhaps she's not right for you at all.

Don't give in, whatever you do.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

I totally understand. Have you explained that to her?
It's Facebook, a social network site on the net for fecks sake, certainly pretty pathetic to be having rows over.
If this is all she has to worry about, then she's one lucky girl.

I have explained it to her, I think she is insecure as others have suggested, even if she won't admit it. But I dunno what more I can do about this. I know that simply setting the status is not going to stop her being insecure.

username666 wrote:

"If I do it now, and if it doesn't work out with her"
She could be worried you are thinking this ^^^

She could alright, but would I book a gig for us in October if im planning to leave? Surely actions speak louder than a facebook status.

Ickle Magoo wrote:

4-5 months and she's chewing your ear off about not making some public declaration about your relationship, despite whatever efforts you are actually making within the relationship? She sounds high maintenance.

I would class her as slightly high maintenance alright. She can get upset over the smallest sillest things, that sometimes I think she's been living in a different world!

magneticimpulse wrote:

for someone who is so private about their relationship, i find it odd that you have come onto a public boards forum to discuss your relationship status and get back up that you might think your gf is inmature rather then actually sorting it out between yourselves?? im sure she hasnt even done that.

OS119 answered this better than I ever could!

shellyboo wrote:

After being in a five-year relationship that fell apart and having to click that "no longer in a relationship" button, thus letting all my friends know before I had a chance to (a) deal with the news myself (b) tell everyone what had happened... I will never, ever, ever display a relationship status again. It was absolutely excruciating. Some things should be kept private, and if she can't understand your wish to do that - prioritising how things "look" - then perhaps she's not right for you at all.

Don't give in, whatever you do.

Thank you, this is one of the reasons I don't want to do it. I've seen this happen to my friends, and it's terrible to see! And your not the only one to mention this, Facebook?????? has also said the same. Why would I knowingly put myself in this situation in the future if things don't work out?

Thanks every one, it's great to get people's opinions on this. Really helps!

mood

I've my facebook relationship status as blank as well as school, college, political views etc. I'm single but when I don meet someone I won't change it. That's a little sad. But then I don't use facebook that much, maybe post a few photos but don't write on my wall thingy.

It's not as if you have 'single' up. If you had that wouldn't be on.

She must see this as you not letting on to people you don't know well that you are single etc.

Maybe she uses facebook a lot and is a big part of her life. If so it could be very important to her.

BumbleB

boxercreations wrote: »

friend of mine altered their FB details this week just for privacy and altered the single status to "blank" - since then 8 friends have mailed her wanting to know who her new man is cos FB sent messages to all her friends saying she has altered her single status.....
crazy.

one of my pet hates , when I broke up with my ex changed mine and the same thing.Insensitive really on FB part ,I mean when you split up with someone ,you dont want the whole rigmarole of explaining stuff .You just want to try and comprehend and adjust to everything really .

Truley

I totally agree with you OP those relationship status things are a pain in the a*se. I have never used that feature on facebook, not when I was single and not while in a relationship. As soon as you put a status up that's it you are stuck with it. If the relationship breaks down you are left with the option of leaving your status intact making things really awkward or changing it and having facebook announce it to all and sundry. My sister had a whole load of hassle when she broke up with one boyfriend and left the status intact, then when she got a new boyfriend and changed the status had to deal with the grief from ex boyfriend for 'rubbing it in' that she had a new boyfriend, having facebook announce it to all their mutual friends etc etc Save it for the school yard I say :rolleyes:

vicecreamsundae

i see your GFs point, and i dont think there's anything wrong or immature or silly with her wanting you to be shown as "in a relationship with...". she's probably just proud of your rship and feels a bit crap that you don't want to people to see that. also she might just want people to see that you are 'taken'. normal enough.

but i also see your point, as i'm the same way myself. was in a looooongterm rship, and had to change it to single, which was fine..but then when i'd start seeing different people i was like "when do i change this again??!?!" so i just got rid of it altogether, and i plan to keep it that way.

maybe just make your profile photo a pic of the two of you together or something, or comment on her page saying you love her [sappy i know haha] but something to prove that you're not trying to hide your actual rship, you just have a thing against "rship status" ?

ManOfMystery

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

i see your GFs point, and i dont think there's anything wrong or immature or silly with her wanting you to be shown as "in a relationship with...". she's probably just proud of your rship and feels a bit crap that you don't want to people to see that. also she might just want people to see that you are 'taken'. normal enough.

but i also see your point, as i'm the same way myself. was in a looooongterm rship, and had to change it to single, which was fine..but then when i'd start seeing different people i was like "when do i change this again??!?!" so i just got rid of it altogether, and i plan to keep it that way.

maybe just make your profile photo a pic of the two of you together or something, or comment on her page saying you love her [sappy i know haha] but something to prove that you're not trying to hide your actual rship, you just have a thing against "rship status" ?

But in fairness the OP does plenty of things with her in public, all their friends know they're an item, etc. It's plainly obvious to all and sundry that he's not hiding it, it's just that he doesn't really care too much about the 10% of distant acquaintances on Facebook who don't know it.

I agree with you 100% OP, this is really a non-issue. She should be glad she's in a stable and happy relationship and stop worrying about the small minority of people on a particular website who may or may not care that the two of you are an item.