Feel like I'm loosing myself. Already lost.

LegacyUser

I don't know where to start with what I want to say or if I can even articulate what I want/mean to say very well.

Apologies...as I know there's a lot of threads maybe similar to mine.

I'm an anxious/depressed mess at the moment. Enjoyment of life feels like it's gone. Nights out, I feel like I have to get drunk to relax and sometimes I don't. I'm nervous around people. Sometimes I don't seem so, as I try to put on a front. I don't know what to say. I'd love to be funny, interesting, less serious. I don't have a core group of friends and for this reason, I feel absolutely pathetic. I have a few college friends that I meet with now and then. I feel I can't connect well with people or make friends easy. This gets me so down. I think people don't like me or are prejudging me for the worst. I have no proof of this, but I can't help but feel it. I can't relax so well around people.

In work, communication with lots of people is a major aspect. Problem is I blush so much in front of men, so much so, that I try and avoid them. I can't make eye contact without burning up. So embarrassed by this. I feel people in work think I'm so stupid too. They talk to me like I am. It annoys me as I know I'm not stupid. I think very differently from them and don't seem to have similar interests to them, so I can't relate to them well. And because of this, I'm as quiet as a mouse.

I can't laugh at things. My sense of humour seems to have vanished.

I haven't got dressed since yesterday, been in my pj's all day, not even washed my face.
Even two weeks ago, I did something really stupid, I cut myself. Hoping the scarring goes away, as I don't think I really intended to do this. Feel so stupid for doing this. But at times I really do feel like I want to die.

I'm crying and shaking right now as I write this. There's so much I need to say and talk about, but have no one really. I can't afford counseling at this moment. I did try CBT last year, but couldn't afford to keep it up. It helped a bit, but now here I am going back down this spiral.
I feel like I'm ****ing my life up. I'm only 24 and it feels doomed.

Can't help over-thinking, over-analysing every single situation.
Luckily, I have a great boyfriend..and I only recently started talking to him about it, but I'm worried now, my depressive boring self is going to drive him away. Things are not as fun. I worry he may find someone more interesting/fun/more attractive etc. I even worry when I'm with his mates. Don't know what to say to them. Some of them make me so nervous.

Sorry for this babble/rambling...and hope it's not too long. I could really go on, loads to say. But I won't. I feel so consumed with depressive thoughts each day. So nerve-wracked going into work each day. Just feel like a complete loser and so lost. I don't know where to turn to. My interest in life is rapidly disappearing. I understand that I need to make the change. But I don't know how to. Some things are so much easier said than done. Please, somebody..your advice and help would be much appreciated. I just don't know anymore.

LegacyUser

I think maybe you should try and talk to your boyfriend about this a bit more. It sounds like he cares about you and it must be hard keeping all those issues to yourself? that's probably why you feel alone, because you are not sharing. At least you can share here anonymously and it might help you feel better. I'm a 32 year old female and I felt something similar when I was in my early twenties, maybe not as extreme as you feel right now but I suppose my advice to you is to try and share. Another thing I used to do if I felt I couldn't talk to anyone is to keep a diary and write in it every day. That way i felt that my diary helped me to spill out all of my feelings. Don't worry so much about blushing, some people find that very endearing. It shows what a conscientious person you are, you care about others. i still blush sometimes but nowhere as much as when I was your age. I think as you grow older these things get put into perspective and you'll start to enjoy your life a bit more. Maybe you should try take up a hobby? something that really consumes you so it takes your mind of all these issues? i go swimming nearly every day and it takes my mind of everything. another idea is if you feel you're having a bad day try and do 5 kind things. that way you will get that feeling of having a purpose and perhaps making someone else smile that day. and when you go to bed at night try and think of 5 things that you are grateful of, for example having a nice boyfriend, living in a developed society where you always have food and shelter. im sure you can think of others? i think life gets easier as you get older and you will find that some day all these issues wont be so difficult. challenge yourself to try and start conversations with your boyfriends friends, even something small like the weather!! gradually it will get better but you need to take small steps to get there and feel happy

LegacyUser

I know how you feel you have social anxiety and sounds like you have depression also due to it. I hate hearing that others find blushing endearing, it is certainly not that way when its happening to you for no reason every day. It really dents your soul and causes a vicious cycle of hatred. I did the matter course for sa suffers, it used to be 10 euro to cover coffees for the whole course, it runs once a week for 2 and half hours for 10 weeks (I think) now I think it is 10 euro for each night. so good to meet others like you to see that 'normal' people have it too!

CBT is really good, you could also go to your doctor and ask to be put on a waiting list for a cbt therapist and that is free. You will have to be pushy as docs will just want to put you on medication. The waiting list is around 6 months so try and see a low cost councellor in the mean time, your gp will give you a list.

It is hard work finding information to help you but keep going you will be fine. Look through the other posts and you might get some useful tips on SA.

Once you share your problem with someone else you will feel so relieved.

Jake_Cobra

your best bet is counselling but as this does not seem possible you should talk to the ppl closest to you. try get out and enjoy life more. what r ur interests? join a club where u can meet ppl with similar interests and this may help you to become more social. u automatically have something in common with these ppl - much easier tro speak to ppl with similar interests

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

Well my hobbies have gone by the way side in the 6 months. I just don't have the same interest anymore. I'm only happiest/most comfortable when I'm in bed. On days off I really have to force myself out of bed. I'm not talking your "lovely lie-in"...this is 1pm and I could still be in bed.

But yeah, the diary sounds good. If anyone ever found it though...!!
I suppose I just have to force myself to do things. As I've mentioned, counseling is not an option, due to lack of funds. And I really rather not go to a GP for medication. Would like to stay away from medications.

Told my mam tonight what I did 2 weeks ago(cut my arm...WON'T do it again), she now thinks I'm mad. And of course, is very upset, but I didn't know who else to talk to. Doesn't help that she has a drinking problem either.

Just want to shake myself better. This is an absolute mind f**k. I feel desperate. Nothing is sinking in right. It'd be good to hear peoples similar stories and anyone who has gotten over a crappy patch. Feel so inconsiderate saying all this when there's people who haven't even a warm bed to sleep in at night. But I can't help how I feel.

George Orwell 1982

Could you go to your GP and get referrals to a psychologist or psychiatrist or both. It sounds to me like you are really suffering from depression and you need help. Is there anyone who could help you out with the money? You could also become a public patient and take what help you can get that way.

Also I posted some tips on this thread which might be helpful: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055940767

There is also www.aware.ie - a support group for people suffering from depression.

mountain

I think a visit to your GP is in order, please tell him/her what you have told us here, hopefully you will get some some help there, if anti depressants are suggested, dont be afraid of them, they can be very helpful.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all your helpful replies!

Well, I went to the GP today. Explained how I was feeling. And he was very adamant for me to start on sertraline 50mg (brand names include: Lustral and Serlin). Told him I wasn't to keen to jump into meds....I like to think there's something in me that could fight this off. I really just don't want to resort to meds. Basically he said, it's just be for a short time, then maybe start CBT in 3-4months and see from there. He said I'd be better off starting them now....as in 6 months time I could be worse(maybe true, maybe not). He came across very pro-meds... I didn't like this. I know there has to be other ways. He likened it to an asthmatic needing steroid inhalers---(if they didn't take them they'd end up in A&E), that if I didn't take the meds I may end up in A&E in 6 months time with my wrists slit.
Felt like the GP visit was 50euro thrown down the drain.

Today was a lot of talking, crying. Trying to reassure my boyfriend(and him also to me) as I feel I'm driving him away. Because of my low mood & thoughts. He told me he feels uneasy about it. It's the last thing I want to do to him or anybody. Don't have a whole lot around to talk to about these deep feelings. And I'm an extremely deep and analytical person.
Even made effort to go to the gym for a short while, and met a friend, who I don't see often, for an hour. We talked. She'd be one of the only people I'd tell my deep thoughts to, but she's very hard to catch for meeting up. My head still feels like mashed potato, despite these little efforts I made today.