Wanting your partner to be able to have a lover?

LegacyUser

Going un reg here.

Myself and my wife are mid thirties, kids past the difficult ages now and well settled and love each other very much....no serious problems in reln at all and really really good communication (i.e. we have talked about this issue at length!)

One thing I would like is for her to be able to have another lover if she would like it. She used like older men but has now changed to younger men (comes with getting older i suppose, lol) and likes the thought of this. She only had one lover before me and it was not all that pleasant. We have a healthy sex life (~3 times a week, good for how long we are together i think) and I am happy for her to be able to do this as long as it does not impact our own sex life. My feeling is that older people tend to regret not having had more lovers and if she can, why shouldnt she...if I was in her shoes Id want to too!!! I quite like the thought of a 3some etc but also like the thought of her being able to do this just for herself (i.e. not including me at all). She does some sports training in a local uni and is very slim and good looking...I kind of encourage her in that I think she would be a fantasy for many men that age....to find a lovely married 30 yr old who wants him as a lover.
She likes th thought but finds this strange that I would not mind this and thinks I might not like it if it actually happened.
IMO I love her so much that I would like her to be able to take these kind of opportunities if she wants to and although I am a little emotionally jealous I am not sexually jealous....and for me our marriage isnt just about sex so am not worried by it. She feels a little worried that there is something missing in my love if I wouldnt mind her sleeping with someone else....which then has me worrying about this, lol

Any thoughts on this...from both a female and male perspective? Anyone ever done this whilst in a ltr/marriage successfully? As a female, how would you feel if your partner was open to this? (again remembering that although Id like a 3some, Im not putting any pressure on for this, Id be happy if it just was her having her fantasy with a younger student)

Thanks in advance, sorry about the long winded post but wanted to explain it properly!

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I'm not sure anyone here can really help you. What happens within a relationships boundaries are entirely at the discretion of the parties in that relationship - what one couple may find odd another finds completely normal and visa versa. If you want it & your wife wants it then there is no issue - just make sure you aren't pushing for something and she does it just to keep you happy.

The one thing that jumps out is that you say are a little emotionally jealous but not sexually jealous so I think you need to tread carefully in terms of introducing a third party. You say you want your partner to have a lover, so does that mean it's going to become a regular thing? What happens if she/he don't want you there? What happens if/when she becomes emotionally attached to him? It's difficult to have regular intimate contact with someone and not develop some kind of attachment.

How would I feel if my partner suggested a three-some? Well, we've discussed it along with many other options and decided it was best left as a fantasy. I think healthy, happy relationships are hard enough to maintain without inviting a vipers nest of issues so as much as we welcome and enjoy all manner of fantasies, discovering the reality is not a patch on the fantasy & risking what we have in the process is not something either of us wish to persue.

LegacyUser

well i am quite happy if she doesnt want me there....and if it is regular. I guess Id want it to be temporary (i.e. with a college student you would expect them to move on...im not in Dublin).

The emotional bond she may potentially make with him is possibly the crux of it all. It would be dependent on the trust I have that if she felt she or he were getting an inkling of being emotionally involved to cut it at that stage.

LegacyUser

I am a bit confused here what are you actually asking? Maybe I didnt read the post right?

Anyway, I always liked the idea of a threesome. My last girlfriend did mention it but we split up so we never actually got to try anything like that. I have to say it is a big turn on.

Ickle Magoo

I think that's the key, you both need to be absolutely clear on boundaries and expectations and take it from there....

Best of luck.

Canluum

It very much sounds to me like you have a cuckolding fetish and are trying to rationalise it otherwise.

Nothing wrong with this! It's actually kind of common. Discuss it with your wife. If she's open and genuinely sees that you will derive pleasure from it (and not become a jealous tosser) she may well indulge you in it. Obviously don't pressurise her, it should be enjoyable for both of you! It seems like you're going about it the right way. Maybe accepting and mentioning that it's a fetish (this isn't a dirty word) of yours might tip the balance in her decision making and relieve her of any residual guilt or worries that you're not fully connected with her emotionally.

Good luck

Miss Fluff

Do you have an interest in sleeping with other people too? I know a 3some appeals but would you also like carte blanche to sleep with other women? Is this potentially what it could lead to you for you, i.e. an open relationship?

LegacyUser

In theory Id like to be able to have other partners but wife isnt comfortable with it, so am happy enough not to. Neither of us want a full carte blanche either.

w.r.t cuckilding fetich...maybe. Although I have to say it didnt originate as this idea.....conversation started with talk about 3somes/me having other lovers but her not being comfortable with it and kind of evolved/grew into these feeling where Id be happy for her to do it even if I dont.

Part of me thinks better to regret the things you do, go for it, all that kind of stuff....then part of me thinks we have a wonderful reln and some things cannot be undone and maybe it is a step too far.....would love to hear if anyone has done it successfully....or unsuccessfully!!!

Denimgirl

Why on earth would you want another man banging your wife? sounds like you have a perfect marriage and get on so well and only getting the chance now to spend more time together after kids are settled,It maybe hot and steamy thinking and talking about her being with another man but would you not feel weird being intimate with your wife after a man being all over her body and intimate with her?!?your on dangerous grounds mate and you creating problems in your marriage maybe coz your bored.mark my words you will regret it if you and your wife go ahead with this silly fantasy!

Taltos

While this can work for some couples please take some extra time to think it through thoroughly.

for me the biggest risk I see is that if she were to regularly meet someone else for sex or even a few people - what is the likelihood of her growing emotionally attached to that person?
Be honest here - and encourage her to be too - if there is even a slim chance - then be very careful. As a previous poster mentioned there has to be clear boundaries - trust is even more important.

Some other risks - worth capturing but only you can answer
> infections
> children finding out
> being outed...

While it is not for me - if it works for you both then I guess it works. Personally my ego could never cope with this. Are you really sure your's can? Fantasy & reality are 2 very different things.

Best of luck though in whatever you decide - hope it all works out for you both.

Denimgirl

A couple can't truly be inlove with eachother if they let another person be intimate with their partner end of! being intimate with someone your inlove with is the special bond between them I don't think the relationship could ever be the same after it,dress it up which way you like.

LegacyUser

Denimgirl wrote: »

A couple can't truly be inlove with eachother if they let another person be intimate with their partner end of! being intimate with someone your inlove with is the special bond between them I don't think the relationship could ever be the same after it,dress it up which way you like.

You have much to learn about the world Denimgirl, and about individual relationships.
Thats what is being asked here in earnest. Your limited conservative view of life and relationships is not of any help to the OP, so maybe you should butt out.

OP, have not tested this out in a LTR or marriage, but from what I hear, many others have. I think the level of communication, openness and respect for each other are the essential foundation stones for this kind of exploration.

Personally, I think it is just brilliant of you to be considering your wife's sexual needs and desires with such integrity. Good luck with it. Maybe if you are involved in a threesome with her, MMF, and participate maybe initially as a voyeur, then come in on the action without having to sexually engage with the other man (if you don't want) could be worth a try.

ApeXaviour

Denimgirl wrote: »

A couple can't truly be inlove with eachother if they let another person be intimate with their partner end of!

And you say this on what authority exactly?

It's a rather arbitrary and subjective statement, like saying "broccoli is gross end of!". I know many people who are adamant that broccoli is delicious. I'm sure there are many swingers out there who'd be similarly adamant that they're in love.

LighterGuy

I would have to agree with Denimgirl.

I am all for respecting couples that might share their bed. Thats them. Their business. But its something I could never grasp. Not because its something I would never do, but just the aspects of it.

A relationship is a bond between to people. Or what is meant to be a "bond".
I could understand the reasons if a couple was married for donkey years and the sex life is dead. You could see the reasons/logic behind it.

But in most aspects of the topic, I personally think its crazy. Their is logic behind all our actions. What is the logic of sharing your bed? ... says you want more. You are not satisfied. Sounds like a person likes being in the relationship, but wants to be able to sleep with others as if they were single.


Think of the logic of it. Apply it to other situations. How would it be different if a married man said to his wife that he wanted to sleep with younger women and that he is willing to use escorts? ... it would be the same logic. Saying it is something he wants to try. Yet most people would find that, but not "swinging", going too far?

LegacyUser

LighterGuy wrote: »

I would have to agree with Denimgirl.

I am all for respecting couples that might share their bed. Thats them. Their business. But its something I could never grasp. Not because its something I would never do, but just the aspects of it.

A relationship is a bond between to people. Or what is meant to be a "bond".
I could understand the reasons if a couple was married for donkey years and the sex life is dead. You could see the reasons/logic behind it.

But in most aspects of the topic, I personally think its crazy. Their is logic behind all our actions. What is the logic of sharing your bed? ... says you want more. You are not satisfied. Sounds like a person likes being in the relationship, but wants to be able to sleep with others as if they were single.

Think of the logic of it. Apply it to other situations. How would it be different if a married man said to his wife that he wanted to sleep with younger women and that he is willing to use escorts? ... it would be the same logic. Saying it is something he wants to try. Yet most people would find that, but not "swinging", going too far?

Fair enough that's your way. But different strokes for different folks and all that.
You would probably be shocked at the amount of couples who have very healthy sex lifes and marriages who engage in this 'kind of thing'.

And thats the point of this thread, this development in sexual activity can actually enhance a relationship between two consenting adults or three, if needed!

Its not for others' limited morality of sexual issues between a couple to decide what is right for you, OP. What do you want sexually? What turns you on? You want your wife to be satisified, that is clear, how can you do this and find what it is you want sexually too?

Denimgirl

sallywildflowers wrote: »

You have much to learn about the world Denimgirl, and about individual relationships.
Thats what is being asked here in earnest. Your limited conservative view of life and relationships is not of any help to the OP, so maybe you should butt out.

OP, have not tested this out in a LTR or marriage, but from what I hear, many others have. I think the level of communication, openness and respect for each other are the essential foundation stones for this kind of exploration.

Personally, I think it is just brilliant of you to be considering your wife's sexual needs and desires with such integrity. Good luck with it. Maybe if you are involved in a threesome with her, MMF, and participate maybe initially as a voyeur, then come in on the action without having to sexually engage with the other man (if you don't want) could be worth a try.

I will certainly not butt out!! The OP put his feelings out on a public forum and asked for opinions, and that was MY opinion just because it does'nt agree with yours does'nt make my opinion wrong!everybody is different!as of me "having to get to know the world" body slapping with every Tom ,Dick and Harry whilst supposedly "BEING IN LOVE" is not my idea of "being in love" it's my idea of being bored and not inlove with your partner anymore!I know people who have done what the OP wants to do and it ended in tears!So i do know how some of these situations end up!

Denimgirl

ApeXaviour wrote: »

And you say this on what authority exactly?

It's a rather arbitrary and subjective statement, like saying "broccoli is gross end of!". I know many people who are adamant that broccoli is delicious. I'm sure there are many swingers out there who'd be similarly adamant that they're in love.

I would'nt really compare it to "broccoli" now! being adamant your inlove maybe one of the partners true feelings, it's usually 1 partner just agreeing to the other partners needs for swinging in these situations. what would he/she say to his/her partner? I f*ck her/him honey but I love you?!? I personally think it's very dog like I think as humans we should be a bit more civilized and respect your partner your supposed to be "inlove" with, or your wife or husband after taken vows.if it's just 3 people f%cking around I would maybe understand it more but I would'nt agree with the act.it's just when people say their "inlove", must use the term very lightly!!Maybe Im just a lady!

LegacyUser

I think it was the english of your first post denimgirl that was a bit strange, not the content. You just phrased it as a complete truth as opposed to your opinion

Im not sure what stages of life/reln people who have responded are. I guess I went through the being completely in love stage....wouldnt have considered it then. I still am very much in love with my wife....but am in love with *her* and want what she would like in a very non-possessive way. To me it feels like a growth from wanting her all for myself to developing a love almost like what I have for my kids where I want whats best for them.

From my personal experience, I feel I have benefitted from having a number of lovers in terms of my confidence, in terms of looking back and smiling about it....and Id like that she could have that too.

There is an aspect that it turns me on (the 3some/voyeur aspect of I love watching her when she is being sexual) but I also am happy for her to do this by herself which makes me more comfortable in my thoughts that it is also just for her....not me pushing her for what *I* want.

Thanks for the replies so far, appreciate all your opinions. For both positive and negative experiences, Id like to hear a bit more detail from the people who know people who have dont this and would be willing to share more detail (even privately if they would prefer, I do have an account on here too)

LegacyUser

Hi OP thought I'd share my story as you seem incredibly similar to my partner and his attitudes to sex.

We have a relationship very similar what you describe, my boyfriend remains faithful, while I sometimes have different lovers. This arrangment has been completely on his terms, he gets incredibly turned on by the thought of me sleeping with other guys. I had never heard of the term cuckoldry, but that sums up exactly how he feels. I could never identify with the term swingers, because that implys threesomes or voyerism. He doesn't like watching or participating, he gets aroused by the idea of me being with another man.

This is how we have usually gone about it. We don't use websites, agencies or anything like that. If I meet a nice guy, in a natural way for example on a night out. We'll do the usual swapping numbers, the dating thing, just as if I was single. I always make the other guy aware from the start that I am not single. If I decide I want to take it further, I will bring him back to our place some day/evening and we will have sex. Boyfriend will make sure to be scarce during this time.

To my boyfriend this is an incredible sexual fantasy, the idea of me sleeping with another man with his full consent, the thought of setting the scene and making himself scarce, coming back to me and having sex knowing I was with someone minutes earlier. I don't pretend to understand why this turns him on so much, but I am happy to engage with his fantasies. I will admit it's a great set up for me, I get all the advantages of a loving secure relationship, as well as the freedom to explore and have fun with other guys as much as I desire.

As a result our own relationship and sex life is fantastic. We are together seven years and still going strong. Nobody can say our 'bond' isn't valid, we love each other very much and anyone who knows us can see that. Neither of us have jealously issues, but I will admit a set up like this isn't for everyone. I can understand why other people would find it uncomfortable. But I can tell you OP it works for us. I say run it by your wife and see how she feels.

Nevyn

So you are looking to have an Open marriage?
There are several books and guides on doing this, I would suggest you get reading and figuring out what you both what and what your rules will be.

http://www.amazon.com/Open-Marriage-Life-Style-Couples/dp/087131438X

hightower1

wonderingthirties wrote: »

Going un reg here.

Myself and my wife are mid thirties, kids past the difficult ages now and well settled and love each other very much....no serious problems in reln at all and really really good communication (i.e. we have talked about this issue at length!)

One thing I would like is for her to be able to have another lover if she would like it. She used like older men but has now changed to younger men (comes with getting older i suppose, lol) and likes the thought of this. She only had one lover before me and it was not all that pleasant. We have a healthy sex life (~3 times a week, good for how long we are together i think) and I am happy for her to be able to do this as long as it does not impact our own sex life. My feeling is that older people tend to regret not having had more lovers and if she can, why shouldnt she...if I was in her shoes Id want to too!!! I quite like the thought of a 3some etc but also like the thought of her being able to do this just for herself (i.e. not including me at all). She does some sports training in a local uni and is very slim and good looking...I kind of encourage her in that I think she would be a fantasy for many men that age....to find a lovely married 30 yr old who wants him as a lover.
She likes th thought but finds this strange that I would not mind this and thinks I might not like it if it actually happened.
IMO I love her so much that I would like her to be able to take these kind of opportunities if she wants to and although I am a little emotionally jealous I am not sexually jealous....and for me our marriage isnt just about sex so am not worried by it. She feels a little worried that there is something missing in my love if I wouldnt mind her sleeping with someone else....which then has me worrying about this, lol

Any thoughts on this...from both a female and male perspective? Anyone ever done this whilst in a ltr/marriage successfully? As a female, how would you feel if your partner was open to this? (again remembering that although Id like a 3some, Im not putting any pressure on for this, Id be happy if it just was her having her fantasy with a younger student)

Thanks in advance, sorry about the long winded post but wanted to explain it properly!

I'm confused..... is this an advert of a part time postion available? lol

I have many good refrences!

Eve_Dublin

wonderingthirties wrote: »

She likes th thought but finds this strange that I would not mind this and thinks I might not like it if it actually happened.

Hi OP. I´m all for people doing whatever they want as long as both adults are consenting and they´re not hurting anyone else and I don´t believe it means you´re any less in love with each other than anyone else..

However, I tried to put myself in the shoes of your wife and see how I would feel if the man I love suggested this. You said she finds it "strange"...I would feel the same. I think I would also be somewhat hurt that the man I love and who loves me would have no problem with me getting intimate with another man. I would expect extreme jealousy in this circumstance. The fact that she has a problem with you doing the same would suggest to me that she isn´t convinced this is something she would believe is right for her either, but then again it could be that she´s more inclined to get sexually jealous than you. I PERSONALLY would have problems with the fact that I was betraying the man I loved though I think the concept of the traditional, monogamous relationship is too engrained in my system at this stage. What if I developed feelings for this other lover? I developed feelings (some stronger than others) for ALL men I´ve slept with over a period of time: at the very least fondness for the other person and at the most, love. Can people, and particularly women, separate themselves from sex like that? I know I certainly can´t. I would be very, very careful if I were you (but I´m not).

I don´t know, I´m only giving my own personal opinion. As long as this is something you both want to do and there´s no pressure put on your wife (I´m sure you´re not doing this, just mentioning it) then do whatever makes you happy. We´re here for good time, not a long time and it´s important that we get the most out of it and not deprive ourselves from enjoying it as much as we can (without hurting others).

Nevyn

hightower1
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

hiya, i think your wife is not yet ready for the idea. and instead of doing her good, acting out of the threesome fantasy or having young lovers would damage your wife and your marriage.

try upgrade your sex with your wife into the spiritual level. you will find it amazing.

LegacyUser

She has reservations, that's perfectly understandable. Doesn't mean it wont work. Talk to her about your wishes, find out what her reservations are, draw out concrete rules so you will both be comfortable. For example one of my biggest worries was that by 'cheating' on my boyfriend I was losing the moral highground, giving him the go ahead to be able to cheat on me in the future. Make it clear that it wont happen. Stick to the rules. You could always try it once and if it doesn't work at least you gave it a go. Sounds like you and your wife have a great relationship.

Looking for ways to better your relationship and sex life does not necessarily mean there is something lacking in the first place. That whole idea that you don't properly love someone if you look at other people is nonesence, history has consistantly taught us otherwise. You have the potential to have an amazing adventure together. Life is to short to pander to judgemental people. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

fungun

left-fagged wrote: »

hiya, i think your wife is not yet ready for the idea. and instead of doing her good, acting out of the threesome fantasy or having young lovers would damage your wife and your marriage.

try upgrade your sex with your wife into the spiritual level. you will find it amazing.

Hmmm, is it possible to have spiritual sex with one person yet still just have sex with someone else?

LegacyUser

I'm a little confused as to what 'spiritual sex' actually is???

LegacyUser

ivedoneit wrote: »

I'm a little confused as to what 'spiritual sex' actually is???

well, if you believe we as human are not just animals which have our physical needs (body), but also emotional needs (heart), intellectual needs (mind) and spiritual needs (soul), then only then you would agree there is the spiritual level of sex.

sex is an unison between two individual persons into one, not just physically, but in all other levels.

i guess a lot of people know that sex is physical, a lot of people can do it out of physical pleasure only, no emotional bonding with that person s/he is 'making love' with.

but once you have sex with that person, generally, you would build up some emotional bonding with him/her. sex is not just an act bring physical intimacy, but also emotional connections.

if you dont know or have never experience the spiritual connections with the other party during sexual intercourse, i think there is still rooms for improvement in the sex life between the two instead of looking for someone else who also has body, heart, mind and soul to give you the only physical excitement in your sex life.

some people can see other people and themselves as an sex machine, for only physical pleasure. that's their choices. sometimes we do things for just physical pleasure only, e.g. eating ice-cream. but personally i would not. if OP and his wife can do that, they may go ahead, but i think his wife is not yet ready and may build up emotional bonding with the other lover(s). most of the time, someone else in a relationship would only violates the relationship rather than improving it.

and put my feet into his wife's shoes, i would also question OP's love towards his wife. i would be disappointed rather than delighted to know OP is willing to share me with someone else to this level. for me, i guess OP's concerns over his wife not having much 'fun' when she was young is true, but most importantly, he wants to satisfy himself as well.

nothing wrong if he wants also satisfy himself, but better to be honest in front of his wife about his intentions and take it from there.

my 2 cents.

LegacyUser

fungun wrote: »

Hmmm, is it possible to have spiritual sex with one person yet still just have sex with someone else?

a good question.

i dont know. i suspect not because once you have one more person in the relationship in that deep level that you let someone go into your body or you go inside into other's body, the bonding between you two is broken.

people have different levels of bonding with others.

i really dont know. my head is wrecked now in this early morning...

LegacyUser

ivedoneit - glad to hear its been successful, thanks for sharing your story.

Also thanks to the others. I think I must actually ask her if she is slightly disappointed that Id be happy with this, havent spoken about that but it may be true. Maybe she wants to be someones princess and typically in the fairytales the princes dont encourage their princesses to have at it with the sheepherders

LegacyUser

wonderingthirties wrote: »

Going un reg here.

Myself and my wife are mid thirties, kids past the difficult ages now and well settled and love each other very much....no serious problems in reln at all and really really good communication (i.e. we have talked about this issue at length!)

One thing I would like is for her to be able to have another lover if she would like it. She used like older men but has now changed to younger men (comes with getting older i suppose, lol) and likes the thought of this. She only had one lover before me and it was not all that pleasant. We have a healthy sex life (~3 times a week, good for how long we are together i think) and I am happy for her to be able to do this as long as it does not impact our own sex life. My feeling is that older people tend to regret not having had more lovers and if she can, why shouldnt she...if I was in her shoes Id want to too!!! I quite like the thought of a 3some etc but also like the thought of her being able to do this just for herself (i.e. not including me at all). She does some sports training in a local uni and is very slim and good looking...I kind of encourage her in that I think she would be a fantasy for many men that age....to find a lovely married 30 yr old who wants him as a lover.
She likes th thought but finds this strange that I would not mind this and thinks I might not like it if it actually happened.
IMO I love her so much that I would like her to be able to take these kind of opportunities if she wants to and although I am a little emotionally jealous I am not sexually jealous....and for me our marriage isnt just about sex so am not worried by it. She feels a little worried that there is something missing in my love if I wouldnt mind her sleeping with someone else....which then has me worrying about this, lol

Any thoughts on this...from both a female and male perspective? Anyone ever done this whilst in a ltr/marriage successfully? As a female, how would you feel if your partner was open to this? (again remembering that although Id like a 3some, Im not putting any pressure on for this, Id be happy if it just was her having her fantasy with a younger student)

Thanks in advance, sorry about the long winded post but wanted to explain it properly!

Hi
My suggestion to you would be to be carefull of opening doors that may prove difficult to close.For the scenario you have outlined to work would require a very solid relationship and
communication.......lots of it!

Having said that be prepared for an emotional roller coaster if she decides to go ahead.

LegacyUser

wonderingthirties wrote: »

Going un reg here.

Myself and my wife are mid thirties, kids past the difficult ages now and well settled and love each other very much....no serious problems in reln at all and really really good communication (i.e. we have talked about this issue at length!)

One thing I would like is for her to be able to have another lover if she would like it. She used like older men but has now changed to younger men (comes with getting older i suppose, lol) and likes the thought of this. She only had one lover before me and it was not all that pleasant. We have a healthy sex life (~3 times a week, good for how long we are together i think) and I am happy for her to be able to do this as long as it does not impact our own sex life. My feeling is that older people tend to regret not having had more lovers and if she can, why shouldnt she...if I was in her shoes Id want to too!!! I quite like the thought of a 3some etc but also like the thought of her being able to do this just for herself (i.e. not including me at all). She does some sports training in a local uni and is very slim and good looking...I kind of encourage her in that I think she would be a fantasy for many men that age....to find a lovely married 30 yr old who wants him as a lover.
She likes th thought but finds this strange that I would not mind this and thinks I might not like it if it actually happened.
IMO I love her so much that I would like her to be able to take these kind of opportunities if she wants to and although I am a little emotionally jealous I am not sexually jealous....and for me our marriage isnt just about sex so am not worried by it. She feels a little worried that there is something missing in my love if I wouldnt mind her sleeping with someone else....which then has me worrying about this, lol

Any thoughts on this...from both a female and male perspective? Anyone ever done this whilst in a ltr/marriage successfully? As a female, how would you feel if your partner was open to this? (again remembering that although Id like a 3some, Im not putting any pressure on for this, Id be happy if it just was her having her fantasy with a younger student)

Thanks in advance, sorry about the long winded post but wanted to explain it properly!

Hi,
I am answering this anon as I am a regular poster.
What you describe is a very similar situation to my own. My wife and I met quite young, we are married now with kids and are in our thirties.
About 8 years ago, I started having thoughts like yourself, like wondering would my wife would like to experience another guy and I found I would be ok with the idea as our relationship is very strong. She was never with another guy and I asked her what she thought.
She said she was not really interested but it became part of our fantasy and it turned us on.
I then started to look at swinging sites online a few years ago and after building up some courage we contacted another experienced couple and we met up.
To cut a long story short, I found that I was not interested in being with the other female partner, I was more interested in seeing my wife wife enjoying sex with the other husband.
Now we dont swing regularly at all but now the odd time, we meet up with another guy, we have a few that we know and I really enjoy just watching and sometimes taking part also depending on the situation.
I would honestly say that it is a cuckold fetish that I have (as mention by another poster) and 3 some experiences has really improved our sex life/relationship as a couple.
This is quite a common thing I believe and it seems to be more common when you reach 30's/40's
I wish you luck in you ever go ahead with it

LegacyUser

Id love to hear more in terms of the details of the emotions you went through and those of your partner as it does sound very similar.
But Im unreg too!

LegacyUser

Hi

Well there were a few emotions..! Firstly my wife was questioning my commitment to her regarding how could I want her to be sexual with someone else.
I explained that it was nothing emotional and if I felt insecure in our relationship, I would never comtemplate it whatsoever. I also told her that I felt we had a very strong loving bond and I was comforatble that she loved me just as much.
She was also worried that if she went ahead with it, would I see her differently, like, would she lose my respect and think of her as a slut for want of a better word.
I told her that, all those thoughts went through my head and the answer would be no and it was probably more of a selfish thing for me as it is mainly my fantasy.
So a lot of soul searching, we finally did it, and there were a few drinks taken beforehand to calm the nerves!
When we did it for the first time, it was actually surreal to see. My emotions were that I was so nervous, I was shaking inside. The nerves went after a while but when i saw her starting to kiss the other guy etc. it certainly was a shock, but it quickly turned to the most erotic thing I have ever seen.
Moving on from that, there was no guilt whatsover and my wife was quite comfortable with it as she saw that I was really ok with it. She also saw me with his wife but she didnt take much notice as she was so busy herself and really got into it.
The trust we have with each other is very strong and she would never go with another without my concent and she tends to want me there for support and also for us both to experience her liason.
Our sex life has improved greatly fom this and it has put so much excitement back into our lives, like back to when we first met.
Hope this helps

LegacyUser

On the emotional front Mr aaabbb summed it all up very well there and I would agree regarding the impact on the level of bedroom activity.

Another upside certainly in our case is a noticeable improvement in self confidence.

Now, what opinions are about regards the lady meeting the third party on their own ?

With partners knowledge of course!!

LegacyUser

A Little Older wrote: »

On the emotional front Mr aaabbb summed it all up very well there and I would agree regarding the impact on the level of bedroom activity.

Another upside certainly in our case is a noticeable improvement in self confidence.

Now, what opinions are about regards the lady meeting the third party on their own ?

With partners knowledge of course!!

Yes agree on the confidence front also.
My opinion on the lady meeting third party on her own would not really be ok, but I am not totally against it either. It would mean less enjoyment for us both as I like the voyeur/some participation and she likes the attention from 2 guys etc.
She has said she does not want me under any circumstances meet up with someone on my own so we have an understanding with that. She would be worried about possible attachment.
We are considering a party in Europe and maybe then we could split up for a short as in separate rooms but who know...
Any other thoughts?

Ms_Taurus

were both in our late 30s and about a year ago my husband started asking me about my ex boyfriends and what we did, he got turned on by the idea of another man touching me, he said to me one night that his fantasy was for me to sleep with another man, i was turned off by the idea, and even if i did want to do it i would not have the guts and i doubt my husband if push came to shove would be able to go through with it either.

as well its a long time sine another man saw me naked and i be mortified if another man saw me in the nude

there was one time my husband told me that a girl in work was talking to him about her breasts i was not happy about it for a while and i fantasied about a guy i knew.

i know my husband fantasies about other men touching me particularly my breasts but that's as far as it goes

LegacyUser

I find this subject fascinating as I am more of a traditional romantic. I am still quite young and have been with my current girlfriend for 9 years. We are still extremely happy and our sex life is better than ever. I do however understand that in 10 years if I am still with the same girl (fingers crossed) then things can perhaps become a bit more mundane and you have to spice things up. I also understand that people have fantasies and that sometimes people want to live these fantasies. However, all I can say is that sharing my other half with another guy would be something that I could never phantom, even though I am extremely liberal in all walks of life. Fantasizing about it is one thing, but fantasies are just that, they are not realities. I know you can say don’t knock it till you try it but that can be used for anything in life.

You say OP that you want to give your wife the opportunity to do this. At the same time though it appears from your posts that she is completely happy the way things are. Am I correct in this? If that is the case it seems that this is more or entirely for yourself than it is for her. That is not to say that she would not gain pleasure from it. The other poster ‘havedoneit’ who has given insight to it from the woman’s perspective has said its great for them, sleep with different guys, its like being single but you have the security of a relationship. It’s pretty much the best of both worlds.

Another poster has said that he and his wife do it. He said that right now it is only when he is there watching or taking part but this same poster is also saying something about a party in Europe and both of them going to separate bedrooms. Well obviously in their case the goal posts are being moved a bit and new conditions will have to be set because his own original post pointed out that it was always when he was there but things seem to be changing in that department.

My question would be to the people who have been taking part in such activities is how long have you been doing it for? Is it just a new thing or has it been going on for years? I mean you can listen to their advice and push on with it even though your wife doesn’t seem keen at all but who is to say that these same people will not be on here in a few years time starting a thread about how their relationship ended because of their swinging activities. I think if you want real advice from people who have done it you should be looking for people who have are far older, in their 60’s or 70’s and have done this for decades and come out the other side, still together and still in love. I’m sure for every couple that can say they pursued such activities and it did not affect their relationship, there is a couple who wish they did not enter such a precarious situation.

merlie

Really this is a bad idea. It might sound perfect to think of and fantasize about 3somes or your wife having a lover, but long term it could be damaging. Think of it this way, there would be health risks, emotional risks etc.

I have only ever been with one man in any relationships I have ever had. I would not like the thoughts of my partner sleeping with someone else. If I had emotional connections with my partner the last thing I would want is for him or me to sleep with someone else, even it is only sex. It is about loyalty and commitment. The fact that you are even considering no objections to your wife having a lover or 3somes indicates that at the back of it all you may have become bored in your relationships. Why not take a holiday somewhere together or start dating her again, something to spice up your love life.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Firstly; I think it's kinda gross but that's just my own opinion, if others want to do it that's fine but defo wouldn't be for me. Anyways I read your post the other day and I tried to imagine how I would feel if my boyfriend suggested to me what you have suggested to your wife. These are the things that went through my head;

- He must not love me anymore
- He must want to have sex with other women that's why he's trying to get me to do this first so he can then say "well you did it, now I'm going to do it too"
- He must have his eye on someone he wants to shag
- How could he want to see me cheat on him?
- How much money do I have in my savings account and when's the soonest I can move out.

Those are honestly some of the things that went through my head when I imagined the scenario. To be honest I would feel desperately hurt and upset if my partner suggested that to me.

Be careful OP, take you wife's wishes and opinions on board, don't try to persuade her if she's not in to it.

I really hope that if you do go ahead with this it all goes well and you both enjoy it but I really can't see how.

Whatever you both decide, the best of luck.

LegacyUser

Denimgirl wrote: »

Filthy and disgusting!

LOL!!!
Actually I was thinking fair play to that poster,who was decent enough to share the experience of his most private life, that's the kind of man I like!

OP, Its going to be hard to find more people willing to share their experiences, as the sexually-repressed who secretly think sex is dirty and a bit immoral if it ain't pure vanilla are only too eager to wade in with their Irish Catholic style judgements.

Hope you do get more intelligent responses, I am keen to find out myself if it would be possible to hook up with a couple without having a partner in tow myself

Zaph

Denimgirl wrote: »

Filthy and disgusting!

Denimgirl, I suggest you read the charter before posting in PI again, particularly the part about off-topic and unhelpful posts.

LegacyUser

I always find it funny when people have such strong opinions like denim girl. It just proves that the lifestyle described is not for everyone but her attitude is certainly not everyones either.
Each to their own and all that and what goes on between consenting adults is fine as long as no law is broken.
I mean the OP seems a nice guy that cares for his wife. It may work for them or it may not, they may not go ahead with it but if they do and they dont think it right, I'm sure their relationship will be strong enough to carry on regardless

Denimgirl

Irishwildflowers wrote: »

LOL!!!
Actually I was thinking fair play to that poster,who was decent enough to share the experience of his most private life, that's the kind of man I like!

OP, Its going to be hard to find more people willing to share their experiences, as the sexually-repressed who secretly think sex is dirty and a bit immoral if it ain't pure vanilla are only too eager to wade in with their Irish Catholic style judgements.

Hope you do get more intelligent responses, I am keen to find out myself if it would be possible to hook up with a couple without having a partner in tow myself

OK, maybe I should'nt have said what i did on here, but what your saying about me is'nt true at all!you brought me"being Irish catholic style" into it also,WRONG! any how couples that are doing this are married and standing in front of a priest saying their vows so thats being a hypocrite in my eyes!I apoligise if I did offend anybody saying what I did ,live and let live and all that, I'm just reared with different views on these things.does'nt mean i'm a prude either though just have more traditional values.Good Luck in whatever he decides to do.

LegacyUser

Irishwildflowers wrote: »

OP, Its going to be hard to find more people willing to share their experiences, as the sexually-repressed who secretly think sex is dirty and a bit immoral if it ain't pure vanilla are only too eager to wade in with their Irish Catholic style judgements.

I am not Catholic, I love sex, I think sex is beautiful and wonderful. I never think it as dirty or sinful.

Sex is pure and great.

Pure lust is dangerous though. And I dont know whether it's dirty or not, but, definitely paralytic.

LegacyUser

Hi from unreg regular poster !
Ok, this is not for everyone and no one should be pushed into this. My quick story is married for 13 years and we are late 30s/early40s. We got into this 5 years ago, started at a party (wont go into details) but me and hubby do enjoy mmf encounters every once in a while. It is our little secret and while it does not take over our sex lives, it certainly did help our relationship. In general, hubby pays me more attention and sort of puts me on a pedestal. In a way it has brought us a lot closer but having said that, I know of other situations where jealousy has reared its ugly head so there is a risk.

A lot of women are totally against it for many reasons and thats fair enough, me I used to be quite prude, insecure of my body,reserved and honestly would never have gone for this, but I took the plunge and never looked back. Our realationship in general is very secure and I could not ask for a more loving husband. In no way am I advertising this as a should do exercise but lets just say it works for some people, thanks

LegacyUser

aaabbb wrote: »

Yes agree on the confidence front also.
My opinion on the lady meeting third party on her own would not really be ok, but I am not totally against it either. It would mean less enjoyment for us both as I like the voyeur/some participation and she likes the attention from 2 guys etc.
She has said she does not want me under any circumstances meet up with someone on my own so we have an understanding with that. She would be worried about possible attachment.
We are considering a party in Europe and maybe then we could split up for a short as in separate rooms but who know...
Any other thoughts?

Clearly this life choice is not for everyone indeed it flies in the face of covention but personally I have seen many casualties of the same convention.

Swinger clubs/resorts would hold no appeal as complete randomers would be way outside the comfort zone.

magneticimpulse

I dont know if I read OP post correctly. But it seemed like he wanted to make the suggestion that its ok for his wife to be with another man?? However I got the impression, that this is not what an idea his wife has come up with??

If this is the case, another poster described it very well, that it can damage a person. Living in France, ive been told majority of French couples have open relationships and all have affairs. I mentioned this to a male English friend of mine, who is in a long term relationship with a French Woman. She told him she was ok with him having an open relationship, as long as she didnt find out. He told me this, but he was actually very insulted that she suggested it.

So im not clear on your situation OP. Is it a random thing/topic you want to suggest to your wife that your ok with? As you could insult her alot if its something she was not interested in.

I also dont think people are missing out by just have one sexual partner in life. I know many people who are extremely happy in relationships and have never had other sexual partners. Could be worse? Could have had many sexual partners, and had a lot of bad experiences or bagage. I dont think she is missing out by just having one sexual partner. If she is happy with you and you fullfill everything she wants in a relationship, why change it?

fungun

One thing I do identify with:

As I go on in life I recognise more and more the wisdom of listening to those who are further ahead in life than I am....cos even if their problems sound boring/annoying, it seems like they are the problems Ill be having soon and better to know about them/try to nip them in the bud if possible.

And surveys of 80-90 yr olds asking them what they regret in life almost all turn up no. 1 as they wish they had had more lovers when they were younger. Makes me think that (a) whilst im still young enough maybe i should get out more and (b) old people are still horny lol

LegacyUser

magneticimpulse wrote: »

If she is happy with you and you fullfill everything she wants in a relationship, why change it?

He's not necessarily 'changing' his relationship, I would see it more as adding another aspect to it. Taking their sex life to another level. For all they know it could turn their very good sex life into a mind blowingly amazing sex life. I get the impression that the OP's relationship is very open and honest, they clearly enjoy a healthy and active sex life. People are acting like even suggesting the fetish will cause irreversal damage to his wife. I say to the OP that life is too short, why should you be afraid to even talk about your deepest fantasy with your partner? Obviously you know your wife best, only you can really judge how she will react. Remember it is an unusual fantasy, one which very few people here can give reliable advice based on experience. Alot of people here are just giving their opinion on a subject the have no understanding of. I suggest finding a swingers forum or similar, that way you can discuss things and get advice from people who think the same way as you and have acted out their fansasy.

Ostrom

fungun wrote: »

And surveys of 80-90 yr olds asking them what they regret in life almost all turn up no. 1 as they wish they had had more lovers when they were younger

What surveys?