Relationship, but not a relationship...

The_Morrigan

Ladies (and Gents)
Have any of you been in a relationship where you're unsure if you're actually in a relationship?
I've been "dating" a guy for 8 months, now I use the term dating loosely as we don't actually go out, but that used to be down to lack of funds due to him being unemployed, but he recently got a job - so now I've no idea what is going on.
I never see him at the weekends so only get to see him during the week, where he seems content to use my house as a drop in centre to shower, eat, sleep etc
I've never met any of his friends or family either.
We are both late 20's....

It couldn't possibly be Irish mammy syndrome still, could it?

Gillo

Agh, not Mammy syndrome!!

ok, first of all deciede on what you what, then ask him what exactly he wants so you know if both your expectations are the same.
Take it from there.
I know quite often I'm happy to stay in especially in the evenings after work, different people have different reasons but I'd often be knackered and well am quite partial to a cosy night on the sofa.

The_Morrigan

Well I'm nearly 30 I don't wanna be wasting my time....

as for cosy nights in, I love them, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm a big secret or something.
I mean one thing that kinda niggles at me (and this is going to sound really stupid) but I don't like the fact that he has me restricted on Facebook, we are "friends" but I can't see his wall, or comment/interact with him or his mates.
I did ask about this once, and the response I got was - I want to keep my private life private, the only thing is its so private noone knows I exist.

I'm getting a complex at this point!!

Novella

Wtf? That restricted Facebook thing is just weird. I dunno. No one here can really tell you what's going on. You're just gonna have to ask him. And remember, "Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option". You deserve someone who treats you well, and tbh, and imo, it doesn't sound like you're getting that from this guy.

Faith

Novella wrote: »

Wtf? That restricted Facebook thing is just weird. I dunno. No one here can really tell you what's going on. You're just gonna have to ask him. And remember, "Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option". You deserve someone who treats you well, and tbh, and imo, it doesn't sound like you're getting that from this guy.

+1 million.

It sounds like it's definitely not a relationship tbh .

Do you tend to just spend time in each others houses, often having sex? Do you ever go out with each others friends, or go to the cinema/for dinner/any kind of date? If you just have sex and never go out, and you're not officially his girlfriend, you might just be a f*ck buddy. You need to ask him straight out where you stand, and decide what you want.

The_Morrigan

yeah the FB thing coupled with the fact that after 8 months there has been no merger of our individual lives - like meeting each others family or friends etc - is really getting to me.

I asked today if the relationship was going anywhere - he responded with a "do you think it isn't"

Fago!

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

Well I'm nearly 30 I don't wanna be wasting my time....

as for cosy nights in, I love them, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm a big secret or something.
I mean one thing that kinda niggles at me (and this is going to sound really stupid) but I don't like the fact that he has me restricted on Facebook, we are "friends" but I can't see his wall, or comment/interact with him or his mates.
I did ask about this once, and the response I got was - I want to keep my private life private, the only thing is its so private noone knows I exist.

I'm getting a complex at this point!!

SOmething's fishy there. Get rid of him. He has you restricted on FB, he drops in to your place from showers and stuff, he doesn't want people to knopw about you... Is he ashamed??!?!?!?!... WTF is with that?

I'd get rid of him. That's just me though.

The_Morrigan

Fago! wrote: »

Is he ashamed??!?!?!?!... WTF is with that?

I'm beginning to think he is

Gillo

Ok, the friend thing I could understand at the start, I know a lot of my mates love to rip the pi$$ and have a pretty choice taste in jokes so yeah I'd be nervous about introduceing a girl friend to them.
But as for Facebook, sorry to say it but that sound pretty dodgey, if he wanted to keep it private why add you in the first place?
After six months you should both have a fair idea about where are want to be heading with the relationship.

Would this not be better suited to PI?

Hey, as for being 30, listen I'm a year older and neither do I want to wast time in a relationship that's going nowhere but you're still young.

johnayo

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

I'm beginning to think he is

I think that he is married or in another relationship. Sounds like he is using you. You need to confront him and ask him whats going on. You deserve better than this.

RacoonQueen

johnayo wrote: »

I think that he is married or in another relationship. Sounds like he is using you. You need to confront him and ask him whats going on. You deserve better than this.

That was my first reaction. In another relationship where he only sees her on weekends?

The_Morrigan

johnayo wrote: »

I think that he is married or in another relationship. Sounds like he is using you. You need to confront him and ask him whats going on. You deserve better than this.

I have confronted him - I've asked why he keeps declining invites to functions from my family/friends, I've asked him why he is so opposed to me meeting his mates...I never get a straight answer.
As for me just being a fcuk buddy - nope thats not the case, by the time he gets to mine, I'm half asleep or already in bed. He goes to work, then the gym, then mine to shower, eat and sleep....

eskimoparty

It all sounds extremely strange. After 8 months and not having met each other friends/family etc. Restricted in facebook . . . . How have managed to stay together even this long? IF this is a together??

Gillo

So when you do spend time together what's he like, does he talk much about his personnal life or people in his life?

The_Morrigan

eskimoparty wrote: »

It all sounds extremely strange. After 8 months and not having met each other friends/family etc. Restricted in facebook . . . . How have managed to stay together even this long? IF this is a together??

In a nutshell - I'd go with "cos I'm an idiot"...

The_Morrigan

Gillo wrote: »

So when you do spend time together what's he like, does he talk much about his personnal life or people in his life?

full of chat - I hear all about his day at work, his mom, his best friend, his progress at the gym, trials and tribulations...and I sit there wondering whether the guy actually even likes me, let alone has feelings for me

eskimoparty

TBH I would walk away. Prob would initially be difficult but you could be in a real relationship with someone and enjoy it and get the most out of it as opposed to . .. Not much really only some kinda sheltered friendship??

I'd say kick to touch and get back out there, at least itll get you a reaction from him . . if he wants to react.

The_Morrigan

eskimoparty wrote: »

TBH I would walk away. Prob would initially be difficult but you could be in a real relationship with someone and enjoy it and get the most out of it as opposed to . .. Not much really only some kinda sheltered friendship??

I'd say kick to touch and get back out there, at least itll get you a reaction from him . . if he wants to react.

Well we had a blazing row this evening, he arrived in with a thick head, started to vent and cos I told him he was in the wrong he had a fit and started to sulk - so I threw him out.

I have exams next week, so the head will be hitting the books over the next few days - but after those exams if I haven't heard from him, I will act like a single girl on the town.

eskimoparty

Crazy time to post around exams:p

If its going nowhere after 8 months then dont wait for it to happen I'd say. Enjoy yourself!!

Best of luck with the study more importantly

johnayo

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

full of chat - I hear all about his day at work, his mom, his best friend, his progress at the gym, trials and tribulations...and I sit there wondering whether the guy actually even likes me, let alone has feelings for me

I suppose you have to ask yourself do you love this guy? Is it worth putting up with this way of life? It sounds miserable to me but thats easy for me to say from here.
I really feel that he is trying to control you for whatever reason.

The_Morrigan

johnayo wrote: »

I suppose you have to ask yourself do you love this guy? Is it worth putting up with this way of life? It sounds miserable to me but thats easy for me to say from here.
I really feel that he is trying to control you for whatever reason.

I don't love him, fond of him yes, but cos there is a lack of trust, I guess I'm not willing to let my guard down completely.
He can't control me - that's what sparked the argument this evening - his stance was I was supposed to side with him regardless - I basically told him to get fcuked - that he was wrong and I wasn't going to change my mind to keep him happy - instant sulk and head into his iphone for the next 20 mins - so I told him to leave cos I wasn't putting up with him being childish, that he was nearly 30 not six!!!

Wibbs

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

In a nutshell - I'd go with "cos I'm an idiot"...

We've all been idiots at one time or another. Indeed if you haven't been, you're either extremely fortunate or dont get out much. So don't worry too much about that part lass.

My rule of thumb would be, are you getting what you expect from the relationship? The "normal" things anyone would expect. If not then something is afoot and likely not a healthy thing. From the guy who is the shoulder to cry on, but gets no other anatomical access, to the gal who is wondering if she's a booty call. Same coin diff sides IMHO.

johnayo

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

I don't love him, fond of him yes, but cos there is a lack of trust, I guess I'm not willing to let my guard down completely.
He can't control me - that's what sparked the argument this evening - his stance was I was supposed to side with him regardless - I basically told him to get fcuked - that he was wrong and I wasn't going to change my mind to keep him happy - instant sulk and head into his iphone for the next 20 mins - so I told him to leave cos I wasn't putting up with him being childish, that he was nearly 30 not six!!!

The action tonight may bring the situation to a head. You have been asking the right questions regarding meeting his mates and family. I would insist on this as a bottom line. The facebook situation would be totally unacceptable to me. I would even be a little bit worried as why he would even want to do it.

The_Morrigan

well strangely enough - random thing just happened....
he just texted, to make me check that he turned the oven off properly before I kicked him out earlier.....

This is the most confusing situation I've ever been in - its like I have half a bf, the caring attentive type that looks out for me - just doesn't want people to know about me -

I dunno, I'm stumped

Wibbs

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

This is the most confusing situation I've ever been in - its like I have half a bf, the caring attentive type that looks out for me - just doesn't want people to know about me -

The underlined bit is what actually counts.

Gillo

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

I don't love him, fond of him yes, but cos there is a lack of trust, I guess I'm not willing to let my guard down completely.

I think that's your answer there TBH.

As for his behaviour this evening, do you really want to be dealing with that? everyone has a bad day but dealing with it properly is a good start.

Good luck with the exams too;)

The_Morrigan

Wibbs wrote: »

The underlined bit is what actually counts.

Wibbs I'm not a looker - he probably has reason for it!!

Novella

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

Wibbs I'm not a looker - he probably has reason for it!!

Of course he has a reason for it. Everybody has a reason for doing everything. The fact is you should be with someone who thinks you are the most beautiful person they have ever seen, and if he's ashamed of you because of how you look, that isn't your problem, it's his. You really need to talk to him to find out what's going on.

johnayo

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

well strangely enough - random thing just happened....
he just texted, to make me check that he turned the oven off properly before I kicked him out earlier.....

This is the most confusing situation I've ever been in - its like I have half a bf, the caring attentive type that looks out for me - just doesn't want people to know about me -

I dunno, I'm stumped

The not wanting people knowing about you is the tricky bit. But I guess that you already know that.
I am trying to visualise myself acting like he is, in my relationship I know It wouldn't be tolerated.

miss5

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

Wibbs I'm not a looker - he probably has reason for it!!

OP this guy is obviously affecting your self esteem, If he isn't prepared to make
you a priority and part of his life then he doesn't deserve you. I think you would
be better off without him and with someone who will treat you properly.

The_Morrigan

Gillo wrote: »

I think that's your answer there TBH.

As for his behaviour this evening, do you really want to be dealing with that? everyone has a bad day but dealing with it properly is a good start.

Good luck with the exams too;)

No I don't, but then again, I suspect noone has ever stood up to him before - his poor mother does everything for him, and he got the shock of his life tonight when I just let rip.
I've been very very accommodating over the last few months because his male ego has been in the gutter due to the lack of employment and therefore lack of money - and I know he feels threatened/jealous/intimidated by me a bit as I have a good job and my own place, while he is still living at home with Mom - but tonight I had had enough.

might make him see sense, but then again, he might just go crawling back to his mom!!

oh and thanks for the luck - think I'll need it, I lost a whole night of study!!

The_Morrigan

miss5 wrote: »

OP this guy is obviously affecting your self esteem, If he isn't prepared to make
you a priority and part of his life then he doesn't deserve you. I think you would
be better off without him and with someone who will treat you properly.

Miss5 - my self esteem is fine, I'm very realistic, a spade is a spade in my world - I know I'm overweight and unfit, no point kidding myself I'm 15 stone sure!! But regardless of that, I make up for it in my cracking cleavage, sparkling eyes, personality and intelligence....and I'm working on the fitness/weight thing at the minute.

miss5

Regardless of how anyone looks, They don't deserve to be treated in that manner.
Does he apologise or take responsibility for his behaviour?

stepbar

He's hardly bf material if that's the way he treats you. I mean seriously

johnayo

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

Miss5 - my self esteem is fine, I'm very realistic, a spade is a spade in my world - I know I'm overweight and unfit, no point kidding myself I'm 15 stone sure!! But regardless of that, I make up for it in my cracking cleavage, sparkling eyes, personality and intelligence....and I'm working on the fitness/weight thing at the minute.

Good for you. Some fellas have all the luck........ If they could only realise it.
Hope it all works out.

The_Morrigan

miss5 wrote: »

Regardless of how anyone looks, They don't deserve to be treated in that manner.
Does he apologise or take responsibility for his behaviour?

Ah he has his moments and every now and again I'll get a random "thanks for cooking me dinner all week" or "thanks for ironing my shirt after I rolled it into a ball"

He isn't a horrible bloke, he just doesn't seem to know what women want maybe...
to be honest the more responses I'm giving/receiving here the more I see that he's not all bad, he doesn't treat me badly as such, he just doesn't think before he puts both his feet in his mouth - and I'm not the type to make a fuss, so it could be partly my fault.

Tonight was epic for me, I've never lost it like that before tbh

MoodeRator

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

Miss5 - my self esteem is fine, I'm very realistic, a spade is a spade in my world - I know I'm overweight and unfit, no point kidding myself I'm 15 stone sure!! But regardless of that, I make up for it in my cracking cleavage, sparkling eyes, personality and intelligence....and I'm working on the fitness/weight thing at the minute.

I agree with Miiss5, I also hope the "working on fitness/weight thing" is something you are doing for yourself" You sound like a real nice person that loads of other fellas would be over the moon for a date with!
Be yourself and do it for yourself...ALWAYS

The_Morrigan

MoodeRator wrote: »

I agree with Miiss5, I also hope the "working on fitness/weight thing" is something you are doing for yourself" You sound like a real nice person that loads of other fellas would be over the moon for a date with!
Be yourself and do it for yourself...ALWAYS

Ah jaysus yeah the fitness thing is all me....

PCPhoto

NiMhaoldearg wrote: »

Miss5 - my self esteem is fine, I'm very realistic, a spade is a spade in my world - I know I'm overweight and unfit, no point kidding myself I'm 15 stone sure!! But regardless of that, I make up for it in my cracking cleavage, sparkling eyes, personality and intelligence....and I'm working on the fitness/weight thing at the minute.

if this was in AH there'd be calls for pics !!!

but since its not - then .... your weight shouldnt matter, as long as you are happy, I'm about 14stone and my girlfriend is more than me (weight)....I dont actually know what weight she is and doesnt matter..... we get along fantastically.

if you feel you have to change your weight/body shape for the good of your own health then go for it .... if someone doesnt like you for who you are then they are not worth worrying about.

OP.... study yer little arse off .... then celebrate like a single girl should !!!

The_Morrigan

PCPhoto - that could be arranged lol

MoodeRator

ok I goot abe honest and hold my hands up here! I didnt read the original post first:o BUT my points still stand, however....he is not right and he is not worthy of a nice woman like you. The fact that you needed to seek solice here and not in discussion with himself says enough that he is unable OR unwilling to open and honest with you. I am sorry but I think you should move on and find a more worthy partner. I am a fella that has seen way too many friends do this to women so I am tlaking with experience from a male side of this issue.

The_Morrigan

MoodeRator wrote: »

ok I goot abe honest and hold my hands up here! I didnt read the original post first:o BUT my points still stand, however....he is not right and he is not worthy of a nice woman like you. The fact that you needed to seek solice here and not in discussion with himself says enough that he is unable OR unwilling to open and honest with you. I am sorry but I think you should move on and find a more worthy partner. I am a fella that has seen way too many friends do this to women so I am tlaking with experience from a male side of this issue.

I think if I had tried to talk to him tonight I would have probably killed him, I just wanted him out of my apt and out of my sight to avoid that. Between him annoying me and dealing with a full time job and trying to study for exams, I'm pooped.
and you guys have helped me calm down just a tad - Thank you

The_Morrigan

Jaysus some blokes are hard work....

a straight forward question "do you have feelings for me?" should not be met with a response of "what do you think..."

time to hit the hay, enough of this for one night


Thanks for all the input peoples

Gillo

MoodeRator wrote: »

ok I goot abe honest and hold my hands up here! I didnt read the original post first:o BUT my points still stand, however....he is not right and he is not worthy of a nice woman like you. The fact that you needed to seek solice here and not in discussion with himself says enough that he is unable OR unwilling to open and honest with you. I am sorry but I think you should move on and find a more worthy partner. I am a fella that has seen way too many friends do this to women so I am tlaking with experience from a male side of this issue.

Think MoodeRator's right, even if he does have some feeling's he's being a complete twat at showing them, and at the end of the day you do deserve more unless of course you want to go for the very long haul and believe you can change him but do you think that's really possible.

The_Morrigan

Gillo wrote: »

Think MoodeRator's right, even if he does have some feeling's he's being a complete twat at showing them, and at the end of the day you do deserve more unless of course you want to go for the very long haul and believe you can change him but do you think that's really possible.

Nope - you can't change blokes - and I never try.
If you can't love a person as they are, then they aren't worth it.

I do think a lot of his issue, is that he has been raised by his mother only - his reaction last night was very feminate - I mean I don't even have epic reactions like that at the height of PMT.
Maybe he just needs someone to stand up to him, and not crawl around catering to his every whim. I've seen that with my brothers - and I don't tolerate it at all. I can't understand why a bloke in his 20's cannot turn on a washing machine, iron their own clothes or cook for themselves.

I will always help someone who is willing to learn to cook or clean - but this god damn Irish Mammy Syndrome sh*te has got to end. I hope my generation do not treat their sons like this, and the behaviour becomes extinct.

Maple

I feel this thread would be more suited to RI/PI so i'm locking it.

Please let one of the moderators know if you would like it moved.

Maple.