texting my bf pretending to be another girl

LegacyUser

I know ill be slaughtered for this but I got a free 02 sim and so i set up an 02 account and decided to text my boyfriend pretending to be another girl(got his number by random).

Im a very jealous person and always have been. I hide it well but I guess I do trust him but then again I dont.

So he text her/me back asking who it was and then the conversation progressed by me saying i was looking for someone. He wouldn't say he was taken or single until a few texts in when i asked him to meet me. he said i quote "im taken " oh before this i said i was hot! He was all flirty and such.

I then said that your not very respectful to your gf and stuff and said i wouldnt like to be his gf and he came back with "i dont you you dont know her and u dont know me" stuff like this. he said "you seem cool, doesnt mean i dont love my gf"

Then i backed off. He flirted some more.

I said bye etc

I just hate myself for doing this, I dont know what to do? I really dont trust him now or myself(stupid stupid) I dont know how im going to look him in the face because all i can think about is what if he's always flirting and texting with girls(he never said no to meeting up).

I know what I did was wrong but I guess...I need opinions please?

m@cc@

I am going to try to be sensitive about this but it's tricky given the above incident. I see flirting with a girl on it's own as harmless and you haven't given any indication from your posts that the texts were suggestive. Were the texts flirty or did you want them to be flirty and fit what he texted to suit that?

And also, if I got a text from a 'random' number, I'd play along with the charade to see how it pans out.

If you're playing these kind of games because you don't trust him then there are some serious issues with the relationship. I'd be interested to hear the reasons why you don't trust. Is it him or is it you? Maybe you won't truly find out until you end the relationship.

What you did with the fake number was messed up, imo.

Taltos

I am not going to be sensitive.

Without trust you have nothing.
End it now - be honest with him - tell him you have no trust for him and have betrayed his confidence by pretending to be someone else to test him.

Now he will either be rightly hurt - and really end it.
Or he might understand and request that you seek help for your jealousy.

Something is driving this behaviour - maybe there really is something off between you both - but maybe it is all in your own head. Either way - as soon as you sent that first text you ended your relationship.

stackerman

IMHO your not ready for a relationship.
Tell your BF what you did, I would think he will end it.
If he does, take the time to figure yourself out and maybe talk to someone. This sort of behaviour is, as least unhealthy.

LegacyUser

Why do you think he's the sort to go off with someone else???? He was honest about you in the texts. It's seriously messed up to trick your boyfriend like that, and on top of that to still believe that he'd go off with someone else after he said he has a girlfriend and she's hot!! You basically twisted what he said so you could still go on believing that he'd treat you badly, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Break up with your boyfriend and sort yourself out. Nobody deserves to be with someone who's messing them around, and you are really messing your boyfriend around.

ManOfMystery

This happened me with an ex once, only in email form. She did what you did -pretended to get my email address by random and then start flirting etc with me.

The difference was, I spotted it coming a long way off and knew it was her all along, so I played along then told her at the end she was dumped.

You're playing a dangerous game - messing with your boyfriend's head, trying to entrap him. What has he done to deserve this - has he cheated on you before? Do you have reason to be suspicious?

I think you need to look at yourself too. You reckon you don't trust your boyfriend 100%, however what you did is as much a breach of his trust as cheating, IMO.

As far as your boyfriend goes - he got a few texts from a random girl, flirted a bit (no crime), and when push came to shove he informed the 'girl' he was in a relationship rather than try and lead it on to something else. He's done nothing wrong.

krudler

so now you dont trust him? thats what you get for playing stupid childish games, break up with him as you're clearly not mature enough to be in a relationship, and he should know he has a decietful, gameplaying girlfriend.

Glenshane Pass

Give the OP a chance.

What you should do, IMO, is seek help for the jealousy. As said before, something drove you to it. I'm guessing its you and not the boyfreind.

You have a sound relationship, I'm guessing, so seek help for it and continue your sound relationship. Otherwise you'll end up breaking this one through your behaviour and dragging it into the next relationship. Sort it now, see a counsellor, you'll be happy and better off, believe me.

JimmyCrackCorn

If i was your boyfriend and i found out id finish the relationship very very quickly.

You either trust him or you dont.

shellyboo

I don't see what he's done to make you not trust him. You pretended to be another (hot) woman and he said he was taken and he loves his girlfriend. What more do you want?

You're overreacting massively, OP. He just proved he's trustworthy and you STILL doubt him. You definitely need help with your jealousy issues or you're going to destroy your relationship.

whatsamsn

Op, when I was younger, i did pretty much the same.

In my situation my girlfriend was on a social networking site. Every day she would have new friends (all male). This... worried me. My gut didnt feel right. It lead me to deciding to set up a fake account. This was before I realised there are other ways to handle these things.

From reading your post it sounds like you just got another sim and tested him. For no reason other than being the jealous type. There lays the problem. It was you just being jealous.
The grey-area in these situations can come into play when you suspect your partner is up to no good. When you have a reason to think so. Usually these days the internet and social networking usually come into play I find. If you suspected your BF or he at least did something ... then yes its still wrong but I, and other users I imagine could at least see why you did it.



But pretty much to give you good advice. As we get older OP we rely on our experience, gut-instinct and intelligence to spot people who are up to no good. So realise that you shouldnt be jealous and non-trusting unless something doesnt sit right.

Wibbs

krudler wrote: »

so now you dont trust him? thats what you get for playing stupid childish games, break up with him as you're clearly not mature enough to be in a relationship, and he should know he has a decietful, gameplaying girlfriend.

Harsh? Maybe. Accurate enough? Yep. IMHO anyway. I was seeing a woman for around 6 months many moons ago and I caught her going through my texts and though she seemed to apologise started questioning me about a couple(all work related and about as sexy as a hedgehog in drag). Game over. On the spot. Scraped her off as a dead loss and never spoke to her again. I was upset by the split, but I personally will have no truck with this kinda thing. No way.

This is your issue, not his. If you cant control this jealousy you should let him go until you learn this. And you can. It is not outside of your control. A woman mate of mine is married to a man like this. Indeed he did almost the same thing as you. Her life's a misery. I expect so is his if he's constantly looking over his shoulder.

Think on it this way. There is nothing and I mean nothing you can do to stop someone if theywant to cheat. Nada. Zip. In fact if you try its almost guaranteed to drive them away or into someone elses arms. So realise that and stop. For your sake.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies

I know he shouldn't trust me for doing this but i had too I couldn't stop myself.

Not long ago he bumped into an ex of his and he told me he still had feelings for her so yes i got jealous and well mistrustful as he speaks to her on these social networking sites. Before this I wasn't jealous or mistrustful at all!

I do need help with my jealousy now, So i will be looking into counselling today.

He never said he loved me in the messages to "her" or that I was hot he just said because he is texting this girl doesn't mean he doesn't love me, which he has never said to me in real life. I have said it to him but his love me back just wasn't true(my gut feeling and the way he said it).

I don't know why I did it, in a way I do trust him but there's that feeling there that something isn't right, the feeling like he is stringing me along until his ex realizes what she is missing. I did ask him about that before in a friendly way and he said he would never get back with her...I just didn't believe it.

Maybe I just need to let it go and if he cheats or gets back with his ex, it happens, and ill learn from it. You can't stop the future from happening and I know this behavior will only make what i fear happen!

krudler

I was seeing a woman for around 6 months many moons ago and I caught her going through my texts and though she seemed to apologise started questioning me about a couple(all work related and about as sexy as a hedgehog in drag). Game over. On the spot. Scraped her off as a dead loss and never spoke to her again. I was upset by the split, but I personally will have no truck with this kinda thing. No way.

The only time I would ever condone going through someones phone is if the huge telltale signs of cheating are there or if they've done something to make you think they have/are cheating on you. its the lesser of two evils in that situation, but checking just to snoop? no way would i put up with that either.

OP what you've essentially done is honeytrap your boyfriend, ever see that tv show where they hire a hot girl to come onto someones fella and see if he cheats? you've done the same thing and he's not budged, he clearly loves you and wasnt prepared to do anything, sounds like an ok guy to me.

Jake LeMotta

This reminds me of a story.

When I was in college there was this girl who lived next door in the student accommodation.
Her boyfriend lived back in, I dunno, Mayo or some place, but suffice to say he wasn't at the college.
He was always ringing her especially in the evenings and asking her what she was up to and so on. He obviously didn't trust her and inch - afraid she was gonna score some other bloke.

She used to get pretty upset with his lack of trust also.

Anyway, I lived with a bunch of guys also. We were always flirting with her and what not, and she was a big time flirt herself.

Anyways, make a long story short, I ended up seeing her for a while.
This one time, she was lying in the sack next to me - in the morning - and her boyfriend rang her up and was asking her what she was up to the night before and what not - said he felt she was cheating on him probably.

Anyways, moral of the story is, the bro above me is spot on.
If someones gonna cheat on you, there ain't nothing you can do about it, and getting on their case about it will not only not prevent them from cheating, but may quite possibly drive them to it.

whatsamsn

Jake LeMotta,
geez. some people huh.
I dont care if anyone goes against with what I am going to say...
But if you have reason to think your partner is cheating or up to no good. There is nothing wrong with snooping etc. As krudler said "lesser of two evils" ...

but even within saying that expression "lesser of two evils" - if you snoop while someone is cheated. How wrong is it to snoop? like your partner is already cheating on you. How is that crossing a line? ..

Kiera

whatsamsn wrote: »

Jake LeMotta,
geez. some people huh.
I dont care if anyone goes against with what I am going to say...
But if you have reason to think your partner is cheating or up to no good. There is nothing wrong with snooping etc. As krudler said "lesser of two evils" ...

but even within saying that expression "lesser of two evils" - if you snoop while someone is cheated. How wrong is it to snoop? like your partner is already cheating on you. How is that crossing a line? ..

Snooping on someone who has given you no reason to distrust them is disgusting in my books! Anyone who did this to me would get their marching cards straight away!

Just because you "think" they might be cheating does not give you the right to look through their phone or trick them with a fake number!

muinteoir09

greatpretender wrote: »

He never said he loved me in the messages to "her" or that I was hot he just said because he is texting this girl doesn't mean he doesn't love me, which he has never said to me in real life. I have said it to him but his love me back just wasn't true(my gut feeling and the way he said it).

How do you know it wasn't true?

Like others have said, I think you should come clean - relationships need honesty - and then it is (rightfully) up to him to decide if he wants to trust you again. Don't count on it though.

aidan24326

greatpretender wrote: »

I know ill be slaughtered for this...

And you deserve to be. What you did was really really stupid, not to mention sneaky and deceitful. If you feel that jealousy is a problem for you, and it certainly seems to be, then do seek help/advice if you think that would do any good. Beacuse otherwise it's something that will rear it's head in every relationship you ever have and most probably spoil all of them too.

whatsamsn

Kiera, (this is of course off topic to what the OP did - she shouldnt of snooped and I agree the "fake number" thing is just a bad idea)
I agree that if someone does snoop with no reason .. it is wrong. Snooping because someone might be the jealous type or non-trusting. Yeah its wrong. To snoop without no prior reason to.

However, if there is something up Something that doesnt feel right and your gut-instinct is telling you "there are more to this" ... (that you are being told a lie) then no. it is not wrong. Im talking about those gut feelings. We are all intelligent people. We are not all stupid. If in those situations. Its finding out the truth I think.

The problem with people is that we sometimes need to be told the truth. We've all been in situations were we knew the truth without being told or finding it out ... then we have regrets.... was i right? did i overact? was I wrong? we begin to second guess are decision ... so thats why its best to find things out. The majority of people out there will never come clean and be honest. Its far easier to carry a lie. Not all, but hey, lets face it. The majority.

I understand the aspect of it. You snoop and dont find anything is wrong. Because you were obviously wrong in the first place to snoop. But you snoop and you find there was something up? is that really wrong? (remember i am talking about snooping only after signs)

But of course what classes as too far with snooping? thats the real issue. On the extreme side, lets say you and I were dating keira (:P) lets say one tuesday you are going to your sisters house. In reality you're going off with another guy. As you know, being with someone you can sense when something doesnt feel right. I dont really think me snooping is this case would be wrong.

Moomoo1

I agree. Yes, in a perfect world we would always trust each other, blah blah blah... but this is reality. There are a LOT of people who repeatedly cheat and then accuse their partners of snooping when confronted with the tell-tale signs. And I am sorry if I am harsh, but all the 'I will dump you if you don't trust me 300%' brigade in a way enable cheats, give them a fig leaf to hide behind.

If I found a partner snooping my first reaction would be sympathy... they clearly have a problem that they need to be helped through. But then again I am an empathetic sort of chap... the OP's bf might be very different.

m@cc@

Moomoo1 wrote: »

If I found a partner snooping my first reaction would be sympathy... they clearly have a problem that they need to be helped through. But then again I am an empathetic sort of chap... the OP's bf might be very different.

Spare me this milk of human kindness crap. If I found my OH snooping in my phone when I've given her no reason to mistrust me, there there are obvious trust issues there to begin with. And the ironic thing is, the snooping would definitely make me wonder if I could trust her.

A much better policy is if you suspect your OH half of cheating, just man (or woman) up and ask them. You'll find your answer whether they admit it or not. If you really don't have mutual trust in a relationship, then what kind of relationship have you got anyway? The minute you pick up their phone to check texts, it's over, imo.

willytit

Yeah really the issue here is did he give you a reason not to trust him? If you just started snooping through his stuff for no other reason than fear, then you prob need to do a bit of work on yourself to be honest.

When he replied and mentioned that he had a girlfriend etc etc - that should have been proof enough that he is trustworthy. Why you continued to text after this and lead him on further is beyond me.

The only exception to the rule in these situations IMO is if you pretty much know that someone is lying to you based on past conduct. Rather than delude yourself with false promises of trust etc, in this case I can understand why people go to lengths like this to find out the truth.

Moomoo1

m@cc@ wrote: »

Spare me this milk of human kindness crap. If I found my OH snooping in my phone when I've given her no reason to mistrust me, there there are obvious trust issues there to begin with. And the ironic thing is, the snooping would definitely make me wonder if I could trust her.

A much better policy is if you suspect your OH half of cheating, just man (or woman) up and ask them. You'll find your answer whether they admit it or not. If you really don't have mutual trust in a relationship, then what kind of relationship have you got anyway? The minute you pick up their phone to check texts, it's over, imo.

You need to learn to forgive people. Very important in a relationship.

If you can just tell people to f off instead of trying to help them fix things then what sort of feelings did you have towards them anyway?

willytit

Moomoo1 wrote: »

You need to learn to forgive people. Very important in a relationship.

If you can just tell people to f off instead of trying to help them fix things then what sort of feelings did you have towards them anyway?

Agreed 100%

krudler

Moomoo1 wrote: »

You need to learn to forgive people. Very important in a relationship.

If you can just tell people to f off instead of trying to help them fix things then what sort of feelings did you have towards them anyway?

Depends on what needs to be fixed tbh, if they resort to checking your phone with no valid reason, its not a definite dealbreaker, but its something that would make me question the trust I could have for them. I could get over that, cheating no. Been cheated on twice and I'd rather they just broke up with me, its easier in the long run, you can easily get over being dumped, being cheated on is a massive blow to your self esteem for a long time, and it does affect future relationships trust wise.

whatsamsn

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I agree. Yes, in a perfect world we would always trust each other, blah blah blah... but this is reality. There are a LOT of people who repeatedly cheat and then accuse their partners of snooping when confronted with the tell-tale signs. And I am sorry if I am harsh, but all the 'I will dump you if you don't trust me 300%' brigade in a way enable cheats, give them a fig leaf to hide behind.

Agreed. 100%
A very realistic attitude. A good attitude. Personally, if anyone doesnt have a similar attitude they are either lying (giving the "PC" answer while they do :P ) or there eyes are closed and they are blind.

Lets all live in the real world. I dont care if people slate me for this. But if I am dating a girl and she is showing signs that something doesnt feel right, i'm getting those gut feelings. That the story im being "told" isnt what is really going down. (A nice sentence for the word "lies") ... I'd check her phone.
Now remember, I am talking about checking someones phone after signs. Thats the difference. If you check just for the hell of it. Yeah your the jealous type. Its your issue.

Moomoo1

krudler wrote: »

Depends on what needs to be fixed tbh, if they resort to checking your phone with no valid reason, its not a definite dealbreaker, but its something that would make me question the trust I could have for them. I could get over that, cheating no. Been cheated on twice and I'd rather they just broke up with me, its easier in the long run, you can easily get over being dumped, being cheated on is a massive blow to your self esteem for a long time, and it does affect future relationships trust wise.

that's pretty much what I'm saying.

Mr Benevolent

End it OP and don't get into another relationship until you're worked out your jealousy problems. I've been there too.

Glenshane Pass

Confab wrote: »

End it OP and don't get into another relationship until you're worked out your jealousy problems. I've been there too.

Is that necessary, can it be worked on without breaking up?
How did you resolve those issues?

m@cc@

Moomoo1 wrote: »

You need to learn to forgive people. Very important in a relationship.

If you can just tell people to f off instead of trying to help them fix things then what sort of feelings did you have towards them anyway?

I didn't mean the actual act of picking up the phone, I mean the implication that there is no trust in the relationship. If it turns out that the OH doesn't trust me, it has the knock-on effect of me not trusting her. How could I trust not to do the same thing down the line? Especially if I've given her no real reason in the first place to do so.

For me, it would take a lot of work for the relationship to recover.The OP has given no indication that she has confronted him about her feelings and imo is not ready for an adult relationship.

whatsamsn wrote: »

Lets all live in the real world. I dont care if people slate me for this. But if I am dating a girl and she is showing signs that something doesnt feel right, i'm getting those gut feelings. That the story im being "told" isnt what is really going down. (A nice sentence for the word "lies") ... I'd check her phone.

And what have you got at the end of it? Either you find out she's cheating or you find out she isn't but you don't trust her to be faithful to you. What you have is a sham.

whatsamsn

Macca,
Basically, the next following bit can be summed up by one word ... Balance.

We both hold sides to the argument. Nither of us can be wrong or right talking about the subject. Its all about the individual context of each situation.

Lets look at both points of our views. Yours is that if someone looks at someones phone/email/any act of "snooping" and there is no cheating. Yes its wrong. Then the person doing it would have no trust for their partner either way. I agree.

For my side of the view, i'm talking about gut-instincts and clearly being lied to. I'm not talking about being the insecure or jealous type. I'm talking when you know something is not right. Is it wrong to seek whats reallly going on? Sadly, we are all susceptible to believe the lies of someone we care about. who mightnt care for us. Its human nature. Is it really wrong to snoop on someone who is lying to you and (in cases) cheating on you? ... is that really crossing a line more so than snooping? Does snooping in this context really out-weigh lies and cheating?



The point I am trying to make is "balance" - to weigh up each case differently. We both make points. But we are only talking about the subject, not the context of individual situations.

m@cc@

whatsamsn wrote: »

For my side of the view, i'm talking about gut-instincts and clearly being lied to. I'm not talking about being the insecure or jealous type. I'm talking when you know something is not right. Is it wrong to seek whats reallly going on? Sadly, we are all susceptible to believe the lies of someone we care about. who mightnt care for us. Its human nature. Is it really wrong to snoop on someone who is lying to you and (in cases) cheating on you? ... is that really crossing a line more so than snooping? Does snooping in this context really out-weigh lies and cheating?

I understand where you're coming from but these are subjective statements. If you "know" someone is lying, confront them and if you still believe their lying, why would you want to be with them any longer? If someone is lying and cheating on you, why would you arse about trying to snoop on them? Surely you'd just want to get out of there. What would snooping around really achieve? If you don't trust your partner to be faithful, what's the point in being together anyway?

LegacyUser

m@cc@ wrote: »

If you "know" someone is lying, confront them and if you still believe their lying, why would you want to be with them any longer?

So you confront them. All the while there is the chance that you haven't picked up on the signs right. That your partner could be innocent. If my boyfriend asked me was I cheating on him, I'd be gobsmacked, and would lose my faith in him. I would prefer him to look at my phone without my knowledge to be honest! If I found out he looked at my phone, I'd forgive that quicker than him actually asking me point blank am I cheating!

LegacyUser

OP here! Thanks for all the replies.

I told him about all of this and he understood completely as he knows about my previous relationships with family and partners.

He said he isn't angry at all and will help me through this and help me through counselling and keeping our relationship. He also said he wants to work through this and he does trust me and wants me to trust him, this has made it better for my jealously in a way. I feel like now he knows a weight has been lifted and I don't feel so jealous...but still need the help so that its finished for good.

I have been thinking a lot about it and I just need too let go and realize that if I do not trust him and just get jealous and do stupid things such as this then it will drive him to cheat or even worse I could lose him and thats one thing I don't want to happen.

He really is all I could ever ask for and I cant believe he is being so understanding and supportive of me I couldn't be happier than right now.

Thank you all for the replies, I guess I needed a kick to stop my stupidity and childishness.