An honest perspective please?

Ms.Odgeynist

I have read similar threads to this but have not seen much input.
I am a heterosexual man in my late twenties. Since the age of 8 or 9 I have had a fetish for lingerie/knickers. It sounds comical to most but it can have quite negative implications for ones self esteem. In my case I am now in a loving relationship but within that relationship I have no outlet for my fetish. I would value any female perspectives on whether I should divulge my 'secret' to my gf....or seek an outlet outside of the relationship.

Fago!

Ms.Odgeynist wrote: »

I have read similar threads to this but have not seen much input.
I am a heterosexual man in my late twenties. Since the age of 8 or 9 I have had a fetish for lingerie/knickers. It sounds comical to most but it can have quite negative implications for ones self esteem. In my case I am now in a loving relationship but within that relationship I have no outlet for my fetish. I would value any female perspectives on whether I should divulge my 'secret' to my gf....or seek an outlet outside of the relationship.

IBTL

Don't be secretive with your partner. Tell her! It's a loving relationship, she'll understand. She probably has a few fetishes herself that she's keeping quiet.

It's a very common what you have. I have the same kind of "Fetish" for lingeries/knickers... (Is it a fetish??)

Either way just don't go outside the relationship!! It's the dumbest thing you could do and can only cause more fuss and harm then it's worth.

Unless you wanna buy loads of panties and skimpys from Penney's, throw them in a bath, and roll around in them. Go nutts!!! Just don't cheat on her!!!!

Ms.Odgeynist

Cheers Fago, I understand that moving outside the relationship is dangerous but I'm also aware of preconceptions that everyone has about masculinity. Regardless of how i appear in an everyday sense, knowledge like this can easily skew someone's opinion of you. I do love her but she is not the really liberal open-minded type. I have no idea how she might react

miss5

I honestly think if you told your girlfriend she would understand, It's a normal
fetish it isn't perverted or at all unusual. Think of the alternative if you don't
tell her it could cause major problems down the line. I think it would make
you feel much better if you discuss it and you wont have to hide it anymore.
Good luck!

Ms.Odgeynist

Thanks Miss55. I really do want to but I'm a coward I think when it comes to this. I really envy guys who can share stuff like this with their gfs but I'm just nervous about the repercussions

Kiera

Are you into them on women or do you prefer to wear them?

miss5

If my boyfriend said it to me it wouldn't be a big deal at all and the same goes for
my friends. I think because you've kept it a secret and it effects your self esteem
you may think it's wrong, It's just a fetish if even that and no big deal at all.
I think you'll be really glad if you tell her.

Silverfish

It comes down to a choice, you either a) tell her and face repercussions if any, or b) you live your life hiding it.

If you choose a), she will either a) be okay with it, or b) not be okay with it.

If she is not okay with it, you can either a) go back to hiding it or b) decide whether your relationship or your feelings are more important.

So a) telling her opens up more possibilities than b) hiding it.

Ms.Odgeynist

Kiera wrote: »

Are you into them on women or do you prefer to wear them?

Hi Kiera - both to be honest

Kiera

Ms.Odgeynist wrote: »

Hi Kiera - both to be honest

Ok for the wearing part maybe start off doing it in a joking manner and see what reaction you get from her. You can then take it from there.....

up for anything

Ms.Odgeynist wrote: »

I understand that moving outside the relationship is dangerous but I'm also aware of preconceptions that everyone has about masculinity.

Don't try and justify cheating on her. Either tell her and see how she reacts or finish with her and find someone who is happy enough to accommodate your needs.

I am liberal and open-minded but for me that would be a deal-breaker, in much the same way some people wouldn't want to get into a relationship with someone who already has a child. There was a thread on that in AH. It doesn't make them narrow-minded.

It seems to me that when you enter a relationship if there is something about which you feel the need to keep secret, beyond the very early stages, than you are not giving that relationship a healthy chance.

Ms.Odgeynist

Silverfish wrote: »

It comes down to a choice, you either a) tell her and face repercussions if any, or b) you live your life hiding it.

If you choose a), she will either a) be okay with it, or b) not be okay with it.

If she is not okay with it, you can either a) go back to hiding it or b) decide whether your relationship or your feelings are more important.

So a) telling her opens up more possibilities than b) hiding it.

I think Miss55 hit it on the head. Its ultimately a self-esteem thing. I've though alot about it and even if my gf decided it was ok, I think I would couch that view within my own perspective. IE no matter how many times I might be told it is ok, I will inevitably judge myself harshly

PeakOutput

just tell her

dont make a big deal out of it and she wont make a big deal out of it

Silverfish

Ms.Odgeynist wrote: »

I think Miss55 hit it on the head. Its ultimately a self-esteem thing. I've though alot about it and even if my gf decided it was ok, I think I would couch that view within my own perspective. IE no matter how many times I might be told it is ok, I will inevitably judge myself harshly

That probably won't help, since she'll probably take her lead on how she feels about it in part from you. So if you present it as something shameful, she'll probably partly view it that way too.

I'm a tad baffled by this I will admit, it's just fabric. NICE fabric at that.

Ms.Odgeynist

up for anything wrote: »

Don't try and justify cheating on her. Either tell her and see how she reacts or finish with her and find someone who is happy enough to accommodate your needs.

I am liberal and open-minded but for me that would be a deal-breaker, in much the same way some people wouldn't want to get into a relationship with someone who already has a child. There was a thread on that in AH. It doesn't make them narrow-minded.

It seems to me that when you enter a relationship if there is something about which you feel the need to keep secret, beyond the very early stages, than you are not giving that relationship a healthy chance.

Thats my point. That even though I provide a caring and open environment for my gf, there is a very real possibilty that she would be unwilling to even trn a blind eye to this aspect of my personality. I don't agree with the child analogy. I would not be asking for anything other than understanding. I would not expect her to accommodate the fetish within our sex life if she did not like it. But it is a lonely place to be when you consider that a fetish you developed in early childhood might exclude you from developing an open relationship with a large proportion of the population

Ms.Odgeynist

Silverfish wrote: »

That probably won't help, since she'll probably take her lead on how she feels about it in part from you. So if you present it as something shameful, she'll probably partly view it that way too.

I'm a tad baffled by this I will admit, it's just fabric. NICE fabric at that.

LOL - I'm baffled myself Silverfish

moonpurple

Ms.Odgeynist wrote: »

I have read similar threads to this but have not seen much input.
I am a heterosexual man in my late twenties. Since the age of 8 or 9 I have had a fetish for lingerie/knickers. It sounds comical to most but it can have quite negative implications for ones self esteem. In my case I am now in a loving relationship but within that relationship I have no outlet for my fetish. I would value any female perspectives on whether I should divulge my 'secret' to my gf....or seek an outlet outside of the relationship.

if it aint hurtin any1 baby - keep at it and do not burden your partner with it

Ms.Odgeynist

moonpurple wrote: »

if it aint hurtin any1 baby - keep at it and do not burden your partner with it

You don't consider it a betrayal of trust?

miss5

OP I think from what you've said thus far you need to accept it yourself before
you feel comfortable sharing it. I think it's important to remember everyone
likes different things it isn't hurting anyone and there is absolutely nothing to
be ashamed of. Until you tell your girlfriend there will probably be a void there
because you wont have an outlet for it. If she doesn't understand then maybe
she isn't right for you, I can't see why it should be a dealbreaker in your
relationship.

Ms.Odgeynist

miss5 wrote: »

OP I think from what you've said thus far you need to accept it yourself before
you feel comfortable sharing it. I think it's important to remember everyone
likes different things it isn't hurting anyone and there is absolutely nothing to
be ashamed of. Until you tell your girlfriend there will probably be a void there
because you wont have an outlet for it. If she doesn't understand then maybe
she isn't right for you, I can't see why it should be a dealbreaker in your
relationship.

Thanks Miss55 - and you are on the ball. It probably it is about accepting it myself. Growing up I considered myself a pervert and if I'm being truthful, probably still do deep down

miss5

From a female perspective your most certainly not a pervert, I guarantee you this
is far more common than you think, Perhaps from keeping it to yourself you've been
conditioned into thinking it's unacceptable. I think the only solution is for you to
tell your girlfriend, I cannot see why she wouldn't be supportive. Good luck OP!

Ms.Odgeynist

miss5 wrote: »

From a female perspective your most certainly not a pervert, I guarantee you this
is far more common than you think, Perhaps from keeping it to yourself you've been
conditioned into thinking it's unacceptable. I think the only solution is for you to
tell your girlfriend, I cannot see why she wouldn't be supportive. Good luck OP!

miss55 I know you're right. Intellectually at least I can make sense of being upfront. My fear is that my gf will not share your compassionate point of view

KillerKity

You don't have some weird perverted fetish. I'm female and often walk around the house in my boyfriends boxers. Does he care? No. Would I care if he wore my underware? Well, probably yes as he's bigger and would ruin them but him wearing womens underware in general? No big deal!

What I'm saying is that it shouldn't be a taboo subject and it's not something shameful. I think you're being hard on yourself and should talk to your girlfriend about it

Ms.Odgeynist

KillerKity wrote: »

You don't have some weird perverted fetish. I'm female and often walk around the house in my boyfriends boxers. Does he care? No. Would I care if he wore my underware? Well, probably yes as he's bigger and would ruin them but him wearing womens underware in general? No big deal!

What I'm saying is that it shouldn't be a taboo subject and it's not something shameful. I think you're being hard on yourself and should talk to your girlfriend about it

Thanks KillerKity, been chatting to a few people about it now and still a little confused as to what to do. I might even have to re-evaluate the relationship. Having spoken to some really cool ppl on here, I'm really starting to doubt whether my gf would be as open or non-judgemental about the whole thing

KillerKity

Good idea OP. While you're working yourself up you may realise that she's actually the one with the problem not you!

AARRRGH

Why do you like wearing women's underwear? I understand you get a kick out of it, but why do you get a kick out of it?

You need to be able to accurately answer this question so you can answer it when your girlfriend asks you...

Ms.Odgeynist

AARRRGH wrote: »

Why do you like wearing women's underwear? I understand you get a kick out of it, but why do you get a kick out of it?

You need to be able to accurately answer this question so you can answer it when your girlfriend asks you...

It is the feeling of trying to grasp the unattainable. Of trying to experience something that is both forbidden and inviting.
As to why I get a kick out of it? ****ed if I know - something to do with desire according to Freud. An accurate answer is out of the question I imagine

AARRRGH

Ms.Odgeynist wrote: »

It is the feeling of trying to grasp the unattainable. Of trying to experience something that is both forbidden and inviting.

Can you explain in plain English please?

What exactly is unattainable yet inviting?

I can't help but think if you don't have a simple innocent answer your girlfriend might get freaked out.

Ms.Odgeynist

AARRRGH wrote: »

Can you explain in plain English please?

What exactly is unattainable yet inviting?

I can't help but think if you don't have a simple innocent answer your girlfriend might get freaked out.

A simple innocent answer? I like how they feel! Is that what you mean. Thats not it though! I'm not sure it can be explained simply and innocently

AARRRGH

Ms.Odgeynist wrote: »

A simple innocent answer? I like how they feel! Is that what you mean. Thats not it though! I'm not sure it can be explained simply and innocently

I understand what you mean, but your girlfriend will probably want an explanation. Saying "it is the feeling of trying to grasp the unattainable. Of trying to experience something that is both forbidden and inviting" will probably just freak her out.

Or maybe she won't care. But personally, if I were you, I would try to find an explanation which sounds unscary and non-threatening.

Best of luck with it anyway.

Ms.Odgeynist

AARRRGH wrote: »

I understand what you mean, but your girlfriend will probably want an explanation. Saying "it is the feeling of trying to grasp the unattainable. Of trying to experience something that is both forbidden and inviting" will probably just freak her out.

Or maybe she won't care. But personally, if I were you, I would try to find an explanation which sounds unscary and non-threatening.

Best of luck with it anyway.

Cheers AARRRGH

skywards

Maybe I'm just an odd person, but honestly if I was your girlfriend, I'd probably laugh*, but I really wouldn't care.. Why are people so embarrassed and ashamed to tell people things?

*I find humour in anything, I'm the kind of person that walks into a wall and laughs about it.

xoixo

Hey OP, just wanted to throw in my two cents on your issue..

I'm female, first of all, and just want to say that I would never think a guy who has your 'fetish' (too harsh a word even IMO) to be a pervert. I think you're being a bit hard on yourself really!

The side of her wearing the lingerie - my current boyfriend and two exes both loved sexy lingerie and I was happy to comply. Personally I feel sexier when I'm wearing it so it's a win-win situation. I wouldn't be surprised if your girlfriend has browsed through such lingerie but maybe is a bit afraid to take that step in case she thinks you wouldn't like it or would look down on her for it. I know that when I've been out with my friends shopping, a couple of my friends have made comments that that is how they feel.

On the side of you being the wearer - a little more out there, but good for you, you've got a little kink you like and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! If my boyfriend approached me about it I definitely wouldn't mind, I may not get it 100% but we're not the same person so this is obviously going to occur every and again.

I also disagree with AARRRGH, sorry!
I do understand how you mean make sure he's prepared for questions to follow when he asks his girlfriend, but to be honest I have my own little kinks/fetishes and if I was asked to explain perfectly clearly why I like certain things I would definitely not be able to, and it might be a little unfair asking that much of him. Some things just aren't explainable, we like certain things because we do. Thats it.

I hope you take that step and ask her about it anyway, and if she doesn't want to do it then at least you're not hiding anything anymore. And from the sounds of it, you're pretty eaten up over it so that can only be a good thing!

Good luck!

SarahBeep!

If she loves you she wont have a problem with you doing it as long as it doesn't hurt her - simple as

Scarinae

xoixo wrote: »

I hope you take that step and ask her about it anyway, and if she doesn't want to do it then at least you're not hiding anything anymore. And from the sounds of it, you're pretty eaten up over it so that can only be a good thing!

I agree with this - I think most of the problem you have is that you've built this up in your head for years as something that is shameful. Once you've actually said it out loud you'll probably realise that it's not such a big deal. In a good relationship you should be able to share things like your desires

skywards

Fishie wrote: »

I agree with this - I think most of the problem you have is that you've built this up in your head for years as something that is shameful. Once you've actually said it out loud you'll probably realise that it's not such a big deal. In a good relationship you should be able to share things like your desires

Exactly, we've all got our quirks. For example, I absolutely love black liquorice, the more stale the better. Like, break your teeth stale. Most people think thats disgusting. We're all individuals :P. I'm sure your GF has something silly she's worried you'd laugh at her for as well :pac:.

Ms.Odgeynist

xoixo wrote: »

The side of her wearing the lingerie - my current boyfriend and two exes both loved sexy lingerie and I was happy to comply. Personally I feel sexier when I'm wearing it so it's a win-win situation. I wouldn't be surprised if your girlfriend has browsed through such lingerie but maybe is a bit afraid to take that step in case she thinks you wouldn't like it or would look down on her for it. I know that when I've been out with my friends shopping, a couple of my friends have made comments that that is how they feel.

On the side of you being the wearer - a little more out there, but good for you, you've got a little kink you like and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! If my boyfriend approached me about it I definitely wouldn't mind, I may not get it 100% but we're not the same person so this is obviously going to occur every and again.



Good luck!

My gf wears lingerie the odd time. She has no problem with it in that sense. Its the 'little more out there' side of things that may be an issue.

Thanks to everybody for their opinions. I know the over-riding sense I'm getting is to just go for it, come right out with it.