Weird temper tantrums

LegacyUser

I'll keep this short. My OH is the nicest fella you could meet usually and does a lot for me but if I ever try to talk to him about anything to do with our relationship,like something that I'm not happy with or that bothers me he throws a massive wobbly! I try to explain that I'm not giving out or trying to start a fight, i just want to talk things through but he literally doesn't seem able to do this. He takes everything personally and as me criticising him and blows up at me,becoming unecessarily aggressive and swearing and calling me names. It is such a massive overreaction it's actually weird.
Don't worry,it never goes further than that and he would never ever hurt me or anything but he just seems to let out a stream of shouting and ranting and raving and I'm like ???? It only happens every couple of months so it's as if he keeps everything inside for ages and then it all explodes over something that doesn't warrant it.
It happened again last night because I wanted to discuss the amount of time he'd been spending in the pub lately and I said I also thought our sex-life had pretty much gone to pot. (We do it at best once a week and he doesn't seem to have much interest which is upsetting me.) He did not take that well,told me if I want sex I should go back to my ex. So immature. Does anyone else have a partner like this?
Worse thing is when he gets into that bad mood,it's with everyone then and not just me. He was so pissed off with what I said last night that he shouted at my daughter for no reason and upset her. Like I said before I know he would never ever harm either of us and I know he does love her dearly but when this magic switch flicks inside of him he can't seem to control his words. I just don't know how to get through to him anymore, all I wanted to do was talk about us. Anyone got any advice or have a partner like this? Like I said 99% of the time everything's rosy which makes these out-of-proportion reactions all the stranger. By the way we've been together almost four years.
Just realised I didn't keep it short at all! Sorry! Any advice appreciated.

carmel27

Oh God, you poor thing. That sounds like an awful situation to be in. You obviously really love this guy, as you have pointed out a couple of times that things are generally good between you, and you've been with him for 4 yrs. You may not like what Im going to say here, but I'll say it anyway, and you can take it or leave it:)

Everybody encounters problems in most relationships, be it with your OH or with friends or family members. Thats life. But in order to sort them, YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT! You obviously can, and want, to discuss it, but he doesn't. Im sorry, but if hes not prepeared to talk things through, how can you even begin to fix things? And if you keep letting everything go, it all build up. A teeny tiny problem can generally be sorted easily once both parties are willing to discuss it, air their views and try, together, to find a solution. However, if you keep sweeping these little issues under the mat, then they'll just escalate into much bigger ones.

You need to ask yourself if you're prepared to settle for that sort of life with this guy, because by the sounds of it, thats what you could be in for. You dont need nor deserve to have somebody throw a massive tantrum whenever you try to discuss things. Your BF sounds so immature, esp the part where he told you to go back to your ex if you want sex!!! Thats awful! Im presuming, because you've been with this fella for 4yrs, that your ex was sometime before then. If hes still throwing that in your face, he obviously has some serious issues. We all have a past, and dont need it to be brought up everytime the going gets tough. And how dare he take his moods out on your daughter! Thats totally wrong.

You either need to find some way to get through to him, or else lose him. You and you're daughter shouldnt put up with that nonsense. Its not fair on either of you.

Good Luck:)

grizzinfarl

Break up with him - sorry if that sounds harsh, but I am in a similar situation and I have decided enough is enough. Sadly, I have yet to muster the courage to say so, I still have a faint spark of hope that she will turn around even though I know in my heart that wont be the case. I still love her deeply, but I am not going to spend the rest of the best part of my life waiting for her to come around. She wont as far as I can see, they say the first part in resolving a problem is admitting you have one, but she (my GF) cannot and it seems that your BF is the same.

Communication is vital to a relationship, I have none of any significance with my other half and its painful. I am also at the end of some pretty rough abuse verbal abuse, only that there is a significant size difference between us, I wouldnt have put it past her to physically attack me. Irrespective of your belief that he would never hurt you, I doubt he would - intentionally. But when people go into that haze of anger and aggression, its easy to throw something or to swing a punch that is regretted almost immediately, but is still there.

Any man who prefers to go to the pub than have sex with his GF isnt that interested in the first place anyway. I like to go out with my mates and have a laugh, but if I had to decide, I would rather be in bed with my GF. That, I believe, was one of the first indicators to me that perhaps I was fallign in love with her. If he is choosing the pub, he is choosing escape. Form what, I dont know, but if he will not discuss things, then you cannot do much more. Sorry if this post is a bit grim, I am not exactly the happiest person at the moment, but once communication breaks down, its not long before the whole thing goes too.

However, I doubt I am the best person to be giving relationship advice, seeing as my own is a bit of a car crash, but I thought your situation sounded similar to my own.

Good luck, it will be painful, but you wont be the only one doing it!

Another issue is your daughter, you cannot have this man shouting at her when he is in a mood. Its completely wrong for an adult to take out their anger and frustration on a child and scaring them so.

LegacyUser

Wow....I just broke up with a bloke yesterday over the same thing. We were only together 9 months but it bothered me more than I could handle. I get completely freaked out by any kind of aggressive behaviour and I've warned him before.

We were on holiday and he lost it, I never felt so completely terrified and vulnerable at the same time and this was supposed to be with the person I love?

No way, If your anything like me then everytime he does this you feel more and more disconnected from him.. There is no way I could have stuck around....all women deserve better

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the advice guys, it's really good to know that I'm not the only one going through this kind of thing coz I was actually starting to wonder if I was going crazy! I know what you all are saying and if I were the one offering advice to one of you I probably would be saying the same thing. The thing is though, I know he doesn't mean any of it, he has already admitted before that he says things when he's mad that he doesn't think or mean or believe at all. He also swears all the time in normal conversation so swearing at me when mad doesn't mean anything bad to him wheras I was brought up in a swear-free house all my life so I take it very personally if he swears at me. He just can't control the stuff that comes out of his mouth when he's that angry. Like I said, he'd never be physical but words are deadly weapons too and he throws them around so carelessly.

We haven't really spoken since this happened. It's like there's only two extremes he can do - the ranting and raving or the silent treatment. The middle ground of actually calmly discussing issues he seems incapable of doing,at least to begin with when it's still raw. He will have to come round at some stage and then he's calmer and things can actually get sorted out but it usually takes about 4 or 5 days to reach that stage! It has been like this since the start and I thought it was immaturity and he would grow out of it but nearly 4 years on, it's still the same reaction every time I mention that I'm unhappy about something to do with our relationship. He seems to see it as a personal attack by me on him, as me saying "this is your fault, you're not a good enough boyfriend" etc when really I just want to discuss things so everyone's happy. I've explained this to him time and time again but he just won't be told. You would think after this long he would get what I'm about but no!

I know this is probably only making ye feel even more so that I should just break up with him but I don't think that's really an option for me. I do really love him, my child adores him and he loves me and her to bits too. It's perfect 99% of the time, there's just this one obstacle. I don't want to end it, I just want to somehow find a way of turning 99% into 100% so I'm not nervous about bringing up an issue or how he's going to take it.

Does anyone have a partner like this and just accepts it? I have a friend whose bf is moody to say the least. Lovely guy but when he's in bad form, he's in bad form and that's it. I have heard him be mean to her when she hasn't done anything but she just takes no notice coz she says he just gets that way when he's in a bad mood and he doesn't mean it, in fact it's not really directed at her at all. So she lets it go and accepts it as part of his personality. And in fairness they seem to be happy.

Maybe I should just accept these outbursts as part of my OH's personality and try and work on them together but not get so upset or offended by them because that doesn't help. After all they are infrequent. You have to take the good with the bad I suppose. I would love to hear if anyone has any ideas on how to improve this.

seenitall

OP, if you don't value yourself enough to break up with this bully who is lovely 99% of the time (which is obviously not true - if things were so good for 99% of the time, you wouldn't be on here sharing this problem), years down the line you will find yourself feeling even more trapped by his bullish and manipulative behaviour, your self-esteem will go even further down the pan and you will be wondering whose life you are leading, because you will feel like there is NOTHING you wouldn't do to swap lives with any woman who is truly loved and respected in her relationship.

I know because I have been there, so mark my words.

I feel truly sorry for you, as it is obvious that you will not break up with him. You have managed to convince yourself that everything is rosy (, more like rose-tinted glasses) except this "little" problem, while it is really obvious from your posts that you are living in a pressurised and unhealthy atmosphere.

It will be a high, high price that you will pay for your "love". Usually what happens is that one partner's self-esteem gets so run down that they end up being nothing more than a doormat, and the relationship only ends when the bully finds someone else to dump them for.

You have got one life, OP, and currently you are choosing to share it with an unresponsive, moody, disrespectful, immature bully. Good luck with it.

LegacyUser

Em,thanksfor the advice seenitall.Iknow it was wellmeant soI appreciate that but youseem to be putting a far more extreme situation that you've lived through onto me. Mine is not that extreme more of an irritating character flaw. And I do have oodles of self-esteem, thank-you (I happen to think I'mpretty wonderful!) so that's not the reason I@m saying this,it's about perspective.
Anyway,we had a good talk last night and he was able to listen to my point of view and offer his calmly and fairly.I said to him that this is what Iwanted to do at the start and why did we have to go through all that pallaver to get there and he agrees that he overreacts.He doesn't take criticism that well and sees me saying I'munhappy about something as direct criticismof him and reacts to defend himself.Ican understand that but I'mnot going to just put up with it and he agreed Ishouldn'thave to.Like Isaid it's just a childish annoying habit he has that he willhave to work to get out of but as for leaving him or my life will be hell,that's way off the mark!!
By the way,he also apologised to the child and has promised to never let her get involved in things again. He worships the ground she walks on (and me too) so I know that's the thing he felt worst about. It willtake work on his part, habits are not broken easily but I@m sure we'll get there. Compared to the huge problems in relationships I've read about here,having a tendency to throw a childish strop now and then really isn't that bad.
Having said that Imade it clear I willnot put up with it and he knows that. Iam not a doormat or pushover,if you knew me you would laugh at how wide of the mark that is!! But I also don'toverreact wildly to little things that are not acceptable but can be fixed.

seenitall

Thank you for your update, I hope things work out for you, OP.

I still stand by every single word I wrote to you, though. Actions speak louder than words, and that applies to people talking about their self-esteem, too.

I will leave it at that, good luck with it all!