Finding out you are the other woman. :o

LegacyUser

So I've been seeing a guy on and off for two years. Two days ago I found out through facebook that he has a wife and two children. The two children seem to have been born within the 2 years I have known him. When I met him 2 years ago I asked if he was married and he said no. Also the first time we met he was tanned and I remember asking him where he had been. He said he was away on holidays with all his family as they were celebrating his Mothers retirement. It turns out that that holiday was actually his wedding. Just two weeks before we met! I was 21 and he was 27.

Luckily I was never in love with him so I'm not devasted or anything. I am a little annoyed about the blantant lying and how sly he was looking back at it. He has an authoritive job and he makes out like he's a good guy. Throughout the time we were together he always spoke about how HE hates liars! He also use to say how he hates and doesn't speak to his Dad because he had an affair on his Mam.

His wife looks like a nice lady and I'm pretty sure she is oblivious to all this. And it makes me wonder if I should tell her.

I don't want to come across high and mighty. It's just something that I wouldn't do (go near a married man!) and it annoys me that he put me in that position. I feel guilty about it.

Do I have a right or moral obligation to tell his wife? I really would like to know what you would do if you were me? Thanks!

Jessiegirl

God no don't tell her. That's not your place at all.
I find it hard to believe you knew him this long and did not have any suspicions or inklings he had married and had children during this time.

Keep away from him and his family, don't go near her.

Canard

You dont have to and I'm sure some would say not to for the children etc, but if I was being deceived I would definitely want to know. Sometimes ignorance isnt really bliss.

Des Carter

Patchy~ wrote: »

Sometimes ignorance isnt really bliss.

Totally disagree - cut contact completely and move on their marriage is absolutely none of your business (unless you keep seeing him).

Let them live their lives and you live yours.

Funky Kingston

Des Carter wrote: »

Totally disagree - cut contact completely and move on their marriage is absolutely none of your business (unless you keep seeing him).

Let them live their lives and you live yours.

I agree , this is a horrible situation and his wife and kids do not deserve that treatment by him , but it is not your place to tell her .

greenprincess

I would say just cut yourself off from him completly

Wagon

Tell her.

I'd say tell her, I'd want to know
although you can expect that she doesn't want to hear it and may lash out at you

dellas1979

I wouldnt say anything, but boy Id make him sweat.

AJG

Walk away, don't look back.

road_high

Don't understand how you would not have known or suspected though? After two and a half years, even if it was off and on. Would you not have asked about his life more etc as you got to know him. Or maybe he is just an extremely good lier.

How on earth did you not know? Did you never go to his place, never meet his family? In two years? I'm just genuinely curious as to how he got away with it. As for whether to tell her, I don't know. On one hand, she should know. On the other, it would be frightfully humiliating to hear it from the other woman.

StarryMoon0

Obviously this was a very very casual thing?
If i was "with" a guy for 2 years..I'd find it funny to not meet the family etc..

Tough call, I would imagine he's had other girls as well..and when you walk away, will likely find another.
Part of me says leave well enough alone, but I dunno, if it was me, I'd want to know.

IF you do decide to tell her, please be gentle..

Chinafoot

I think it very much is her place to tell. If it's not her place, then who's is it? The cheating sack of crap this poor woman is married to?

OP, I'd tell her. She might not believe you, she might lash out at you but you should tell her. She is married to a slimey piece of crap and her and her kids deserve better.

Denimgirl

This is a tough one,even though i would want to know, the thought of telling another woman with kids and the thoughts of the after mat of it,I don't think I would be able to do it to his wife and kids!i mean God knows what the wife is like she could run for him and do something dangerous to him!you just don't know!but what i would defo would do is send him a pm on his facebook letting him know you know and tell him he's a lying cheating scumbag!!

Denimgirl

Denimgirl wrote: »

This is a tough one,even though i would want to know, the thought of telling another woman with kids and the thoughts of the after mat of it,I don't think I would be able to do it to his wife and kids!

He did it to his wife and kids.

ManOfMystery

It's a tough one alright.

On the one hand, telling his wife will not really do anything for your situation and will only serve to disrupt or possibly end their marriage. So you being brutally honest could result in nothing good whatsoever.

On the other hand ......................... if you don't tell his wife, this man will likely think he's gotten away with it and move on to the next girl who catches his eye. Perhaps he needs a wake-up call.

seamus

There are so many mindfields when it comes to telling his wife and kids that it's better for your sake that you walk away and say nothing.

If you tell her, here are some possible scenarios:

1. She thanks you, breaks up with him and moves on
2. She already knows about the affair and has a go at you for rocking the boat
3. Rather than getting angry at him, she gets angry at you for being the other woman
4. He turns the tables on you, convinces her that you're a crazy stalking weirdo and starts spreading rumours that you're a man-eating slut who won't leave her husband alone.

....and five million other possible scenarios. You don't know this woman, you don't know their relationship, therefore you cannot possibly know how your revelation will be received.

If he's a serial cheater, he will be caught eventually. Just walk away, look after your own relationships, don't try to fix someone else's.

S23

I'll give a big thumbs up to that post by seamus. You haven't a clue about their relationship or what impact you sticking your oar in will have.

It's not your problem so don't try to fix it. I mean you clearly weren't that serious with this lad in the first place if you hadn't a clue about all this for 2 and a half years. I'd imagine you were glorified fcuk buddies otherwise you would have had to twig something was up. Also, you started the post by saying you weren't really that bothered about him or not seeing him anymore.

So if its no bother to you just let it go and move on. You don't know his wife personally, you don't know their relationship, you don't know if she turns a blind eye to this kind of thing and you don't know how you are going to be portrayed if you get involved.

Without getting too into it do you really think anyone is going to believe you were the 'other woman' for 2 and half years but you didn't have a clue?

seamus

sunflower27 wrote: »

To all those saying the 'she wont thank you for it'.... well so what.

As I point out, it's potentially worse than that. If the wife just had a go at her and that was that, fine. But if this guy was having an affair on his wife, 2 weeks after their honeymoon, chances are that the wife is well aware of the kind of man that he is and is either in denial, or he's one charming mofo who can talk his way out of anything.

In either case, telling the wife could easily lead to fallout which affects the OP's personal life and relationships.

There have been threads here in the past about mistresses who came clean, only to have the tables turned on them by the man (or his wife) and have their reputation destroyed and most of their friends turned against them.

Whatever way you dress it up, you will never come out of an affair smelling of roses, no matter how oblivious you were/weren't to the existence of the wife.

As I say, he'll be caught eventually. The wife knowing or not knowing is none of the OP's concern.

You can go the "anonymous note" route, but this is not without it's pitfalls - You pop an anonymous note in the door, and the wife confronts her husband about it. "Oh yeah, that's from this crazy bitch that came up and talked to me when we were out for X's birthday. One of the lads gave her my number for a laugh, but she keeps turning up at my work and sending me texts and notes, telling me that she's going to break up my marriage." If he's sneaky enough, he's already got the whole story worked out.

Now, who is his wife going to believe - her darling husband that she trusts implicitly, or some woman she's never met that claims to have been having a "thing" with her husband?

Run.

How Strange

+1 to what seamus said.

As much as it might stick in your craw, this is a case of mind your own business.

There may be times when you might feel morally obliged to intervene despite the consequences (child abuse) but in this instance just walk away and leave it to them to sort out.

LegacyUser

I was the other woman and i never told her anything, but the girl he had after me did, she told her about me too, not much but enough. The wife got mad on the girl and me, understandable, but she forgave him and im sure he will cheat again, hes just that type of guy.

If i was you i wouldnt say anything it only brings you trouble, let the next one do so. Cut your contact and move on with your life, you cant change a man like that and breaking up a family is not the best thing to do imo. It would be different if you were in love with him but your not, so move on as fast as you can.

Denimgirl

bluewolf wrote: »

He did it to his wife and kids.

Yes of course he did it! but I don't think I would be able to break the news to her what HE did!

BumbleB

add him as a friend then dont answer any calls.As this can never be a win/win situation .I wouldn't tell the wife as you will always be the bad one the homewrecker .He will probably say you are stalking him and telling lies .Walk away he is the absolute prick that gives all men a bad name.

LegacyUser

OP here. I'm amazed that some posters say I should have known - like as if it's MY fault he cheated. Fact is I asked him was he married and he said no. HE lied. All I did was believe him. My friends and I met him and we all hung out before it turned into anything more. So my friends are also as naive as me. I didn't think it was odd that I did not meet his family as I don't bring guys back to meet mine.

There is no way my reputation could be tainted as I don't live any where near them and he doesn't know where I live now. I have evidence (emails and IM) to show that I am not lying or a stalker. I don't want thanks from his wife. I would just give her the evidence and she can make her own mind up. The fact he was only married two weeks and lying really gets me though. I really doubt his wife thinks he would be a cheater as he makes out like he's a nice guy.

And to the people who say his marriage is none of my business to be honest I think HE has made it my business by bringing me into an affair.

newtoboards

Why do you want to tell his wife? Is it for her to know what she married or is it because you're hurt that you've been used like that? I think it might be the latter and that's not a good enough reason to tell her, nor for that matter is the former. I know you're disgusted by how he used you as the other woman but it's him you have the problem with and not his wife so why do you want to hurt her? It's him you need to talk to about this which I'm assuming you haven't at this stage. I know that others say they would like to know but if someone arrived on my doorstep and told me they've been having an affair with my husband, even with proof I would question the motivation, I'd also probably be pretty humiliated and my reaction would not be good. Have you discussed this with him at all? Leave his wife alone, she's done nothing to deserve you arriving on her doorstep crushing her world.

newtoboards

newtoboards wrote: »

Why do you want to tell his wife? Is it for her to know what she married or is it because you're hurt that you've been used like that? I think it might be the latter and that's not a good enough reason to tell her, nor for that matter is the former.

Eh? Of course the former is a good reason, she DOES deserve to know what she married. The girl would be doing her a favour by telling her. I think it's clear enough she's not telling her to lash out.

I know you're disgusted by how he used you as the other woman but it's him you have the problem with and not his wife so why do you want to hurt her?

You can't be for real? She deserves the truth, HE'S the one that hurt her.

she's done nothing to deserve you arriving on her doorstep crushing her world.

Her world was already crushed when that idiot man went off having an affair. She deserves to know the truth and to decide what she wants to do, not be strung along by someone else's idea of what's best for her by keeping her ignorant.

newtoboards

bluewolf I appreciate you disagree with my point of view but asking me am I for real is not going to change my attitude. I think that the op's motivation for wanting to tell his wife is most likely because she feels lied to, hurt, probably somewhat foolish and used. This isn't some noble effort to save his wife from the man she chose to marry. It's an attempt to cause the most hurt to the husband without actually having to face him herself. I could be wrong about the op's motivation but humiliating and hurting someone else because you feel the same really isn't a good answer.

Kimia

Op i'd listen to Seamus. I didn't have an affair with this guy but I kissed him one night and turned out he had a girlfriend and i told her (because it was going to get back to her anyway - i was completely unaware of her so it leaked) and she turned on me. She stalked me for about 2 years and every time we met out on nights out she would scream and cry and try and get me to admit that i had ruined her life. She is still with him as far as i know. He also called me a liar, crazy, stalker etc.

Not worth it. Stay the hell away.

LegacyUser

How do you know she doesn't know? Plus if he has been stringing you along for two years, you can bet he has plenty of other women on the go too. Wives very often turn a blind eye to this kind of thing, not wanting to rock the boat, hoping he's going through a phase etc. Forget about him.

Emily123

Emily123 wrote: »

OP here. I'm amazed that some posters say I should have known - like as if it's MY fault he cheated. Fact is I asked him was he married and he said no. HE lied. All I did was believe him. My friends and I met him and we all hung out before it turned into anything more. So my friends are also as naive as me. I didn't think it was odd that I did not meet his family as I don't bring guys back to meet mine.

I don't think anyone meant it as a criticism. I just thought it was odd that it could happen after 2 years. I'd find it very, very strange to have a boyfriend and never meet his family, or friends or be integrated into his life in any way. Surely he must have been spending loads of time with his family?

And to the people who say his marriage is none of my business to be honest I think HE has made it my business by bringing me into an affair.

I'd be of that opinion but I don't think that necessarily means you should tell her.

jessiejam

What an awkward situation to be in. The wife is either thick stupid or is turning a blind eye to it all. You would have to be a magician to hide all the tell tale signs of your other half having an affair. Especially for 2 years. What a lying cheating scumbag.
I know that if I was the wife, I would want to know. Usually she would have a fairly sneaky suspision about it and maybe you will confirm this for her. The only thing I will say is there are 2 kids involved here.. Thats the only reason I wouldn't say it to the wife. I would make damn sure that he knows that you intend to play that card if he strays again, give him one last chance to get his marriage sorted. i wouldn't like to be the reason that a marriage broke up. Sometimes dumb men who have affairs need a kick up the hole to realise what they will loose if they are caught.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

Why don't you write a letter and include some details you couldn't possibly know about her husband unless you had carnal knowledge of him and then leave them to it? If she chooses to ignore the letter or believe her husbands lies, her prerogative but your conscience will be clear that you haven't been complicit in deceiving her.

If I was the wife I'd want to know, I think only a tiny minority of wives who know and accept their husbands cheat, the rest must be living in denial or ignorance.

Horrible situation to be in.

Best of luck.

blairbear

Right...I've been in this situation before, in two different ways, albeit not with a married man when kids were involved.

My ex-fiance cheated on me a few years ago and two or three of my (male) friends knew as they saw him with her on a night out. They didn't tell me. I found out myself from him a month later as he was a dreadful liar and none of his tales were adding up. I was RAGING they never told..perhaps somewhat irrationally, I'll admit, but I felt so stupid and naive in the aftermath. I was never as close with them again. I know the situation was different as they were my friends, not the other person involved, but it was the future of my whole personal life and relationship at stake and I wanted to know!!

A few months ago, a good friend of mine was being cheated on by her boyfriend. I knew the other girl he was with by coincidence and she knew she was the "other woman". I sat on the info for a week or so, discussed it at length with my mum and sister, and bearing my own experience in mind, told the friend.. All HELL broke loose. The boyfriend threatened me down the phone, my friend called me a liar and every name under the sun, I was vilified on facebook... Needless to say, I don't count her amongst my friends anymore. She's still with him now.

That ended badly for me, but I really thought and still think I did the right thing. I would want to know. I would want to be told. If you do decide to tell, be prepared to be hated by her, and to be disbelieved. The easy option for yourself is to leave it, and sometimes there's no harm in taking that option. Don't put your own mental well-being on the line for these people..

It's a real catch-22.

viclemronny

So I thought about this before posting a reply and think that there's 2 factors that you need to consider when deciding what to do.

First of all is the potential back fire on you. As some posters have pointed out, this could mean significant trouble for you. However, you say that you have very little reputation exposure to him and you're best to judge this.

The second thing to consider is what will happen to his wife. A lot of people get caught up on the does she have a right to know, etc. Well, to be honest, that doesn't matter. She's been ****ed over and now it's simply a case of damage limitation.

You say he was 27 when ye met, so he's 29/30 now. Assuming that his wife is the same age or reasonably close, I think you should tell her, if you're ok with the first factor. If she leaves him now, she has a chance to start again. If she finds out when she's 45 and leaves him then, then it's just that much harder*. Is she finds out now and stays with him, then chances are, that she'd stay with him when ever she found out, so that's not that important for your decision.

Bottom line, if you can do so without significant negative implications for your own life, let her make a fresh start while it's still relatively easy to make one. When you do so, make sure you have some sort of evidence too by the way.



*Note: I'm not saying that you can't meet someone at 45, just that it's a lot easier at 31/32 or so.

dudara

OP, stay out of this mess. I have to agree with a previous poster who has questioned your motivation for telling the wife. I think that despite your comments, you are probably hurting from all this. Maybe not heartbroken, but annoyed at being played and being lied to.

What goes on in relationships is private - you will never know what ties a couple together.

The only way left to you is to exit this disaster with dignity and grace. Throwing this mess into the wife's face is not either.

LegacyUser

OP again. Thanks for all the comments.

To the people who think I'm lashing out at the wife. I'm annoyed about the lying, yes. I'm not denying that but it's not hateful, it's more a shock annoyed. And when I saw his wifes' photo on facebook it was her I felt sorry for, not me. I'm not the one married to and have children with someone who has such a lack of respect for his relationship that it only took him two weeks after being married to start an affair. Really, I consider myself the lucky one.

Dudara, I don't see how letting a wife know her husband is a cheater means I havin't got dignity. If anything it shows I have respect for myself and for his wife. Nothing annoys me more than when someone does something wrong and then others are expected to just sweep it under the carpet. I have morals and I stick by them. Letting the wife know in a matter-of-fact way and then letting her decide for herself is not throwing it in her face.

I'm still undecided as to what to do. I'm going to tell him I know tonight so I will see how that goes and go from there.

LegacyUser

I cannot believe how many people are saying that under no circumstances should you tell his wife! If I was in your situation I would.
1) For moral/selfish reasons- I couldn't live with the guilt of knowing this vital piece of information and knowing his wife is oblivious. Years down the line I'd be wishing I had told her!

2) For the wife- Finding out about an affair is horrible but it can also be the beginning of either a new life for her, without her husband or a new life for the two of them without the lies.

Some posters said that if he's a cheater she will probably find out further down the line. True she may, but isn't it going to be a lot worse finding out then, more damage will have been done. A few years of lies is hurtful but not as damaging as 20 years of lies!

Please tell her.

dudara

Emily123 wrote: »

Dudara, I don't see how letting a wife know her husband is a cheater means I havin't got dignity. If anything it shows I have respect for myself and for his wife. Nothing annoys me more than when someone does something wrong and then others are expected to just sweep it under the carpet. I have morals and I stick by them.

You are deciding that your thoughts about yourself and your dignity/morals are *better*. Trotting out the dignity and morals line is the resort of someone trying to justify what they are about to do.

Emily123 wrote:

Letting the wife know in a matter-of-fact way and then letting her decide for herself is not throwing it in her face.

It is throwing it in her face. She will realise that her husband has been sleeping with someone else - the exact same person who came to tell her. It will feel like gloating and oneupmanship to her (even if you don't mean it that way).

People with true dignity and morals don't shove it into people's face - they simply live it every day. My sincere advice is to move on.

Karma has a habit of sorting things out in the long run.

Chinafoot

dudara wrote: »

It is throwing it in her face. She will realise that her husband has been sleeping with someone else - the exact same person who came to tell her. It will feel like gloating and oneupmanship to her (even if you don't mean it that way).

So you think it's better that the wife never find out? I mean, if the woman who he was doing the dirt with shouldn't tell her, who do you think should? Her husband? Yeah, can't see that happening anytime soon. The OP was not complicit in this affair, and saying their marriage has nothing to do with her is rubbish. He made their marriage her business when he lied to her face about it.

dudara wrote: »

People with true dignity and morals don't shove it into people's face - they simply live it every day. My sincere advice is to move on.

Burying your head in the sand and seeing someone suffer is not expressing dignity and morals. And how is she shoving it in anyone face by letting this woman know what her husband has been up to behind her back? I would have far more respect for someone actually telling me the truth than pretending it didn't happen and using "morality" as their excuse. And yes, I have had it happen to me. I've had someone come to me and tell me that my exboyfriend had been doing the nasty behind my back. Did I lash out? No, I was bloody thankful that she spared me from possibly years of misery with a cheating piece of crap.

dudara wrote: »

Karma has a habit of sorting things out in the long run.

Lol. Ah karma, the last bastion of those who don't have the guts to actually do anything about it. Nah, lets leave it to "karma".
Have to laugh at the hostility being directed at the OP here. You'd swear she was the married one.

mememealways

Def tell her, she deserves to know the truth about the man she is planning to spend the rest of her life with. If it was me, I would def want to know. Like one of the other posters said, write her a letter.

Elle Collins

Emily123 wrote: »

And to the people who say his marriage is none of my business to be honest I think HE has made it my business by bringing me into an affair.

He did not make his marriage your business. You're deluding yourself there. You are looking for a reason to lash out and hurt him and you're telling yourself whatever you need to hear in order to make yourself feel justified in doing that.

He can hardly have made his marriage your business when he didn't even tell you it existed! You need to stay away from his wife, stay out of his marriage, lick your wounds and move on.

seenitall

Two distinctly different points of view on this thread.

I am in the "Let her know what he's been up to behind her back" camp, for all the reasons already mentioned, most eloquently by Chinafoot.

You are actually well facilitated in doing the right thing by not being in any way connected to this woman and the community around her. All you need do is tell the poor woman the truth and then get on with your own life.

Good luck with it.

How Strange

seenitall wrote: »

You are actually well facilitated in doing the right thing by not being in any way connected to this woman and the community around her. All you need do is tell the poor woman the truth and then get on with your own life.
Good luck with it.

How nice! Drop the bomb shell that will blow her life apart and then run away safe in the knowledge that no sh1t will hit you and live happy ever knowing you 'did the right thing'.

Have you considered for a moment that the husband knows where the OP lives and he may be less than happy about her telling his wife?

Elle Collins

How Strange wrote: »

How nice! Drop the bomb shell that will blow her life apart and then run away safe in the knowledge that no sh1t will hit you and live happy ever knowing you 'did the right thing'.

+ 1

I'm not so sure this has anything to do with doing the right thing though. It sounds more like getting a pound of flesh to me.

The OP is probably feeling very embittered about having been fooled in this way and if so I can't say I blame her, but that doesn't give her the right to cause a sh!t-storm in another womans marriage.

OP, you need to accept that you had a relationship with someone here that was so casual in nature the man you were involved with was capable of concealing his marriage and entire family from you. The lesson you need to take out of it is that you'll make sure you actually know the person you're dating next time round.

seenitall

How Strange wrote: »

How nice! Drop the bomb shell that will blow her life apart and then run away safe in the knowledge that no sh1t will hit you and live happy ever knowing you 'did the right thing'.

Have you considered for a moment that the husband knows where the OP lives and he may be less than happy about her telling his wife?

Well, to your first point I can only reply what has been said before, that the woman is living a lie, and who wants to be living a lie? She has a right to know that the person she trusts is a liar and a cheat, and has been so since he married him. The "bomb shell" is thus, in the great scheme of things, a moot point. Who wouldn't prefer one horrible bombshell to living a long-lasting lie? Who wouldn't prefer making their life choices based on all the information available, to making them based on a cheater's schmoozing? Knowledge is power, and currently this wife is living in a state of ignorance and disempowerment - would YOU not prefer the bomb shell to that?

(There is, of course, the possibility, as already mentioned, that the wife knows what is going on and is choosing to turn a blind eye. In which case it won't be a bomb shell at all, merely a slight incovenience to her [a risk worth taking IMO], and everyone can get on with their lives.)

To answer your second point, let me get it right. So, you are saying that the OP shouldn't let the wife know what piece of rubbish she is sharing her life with, on the basis that the said rubbish will be less than happy about that, and that he may turn to be a physically abusive piece of rubbish??

Hmmm... ok, see, for me, that would then make it TWICE the reason to blow the whistle on the piece of rubbish. But of course, as already ascertained, doing the right thing takes a lot of courage, more often than not.

thegoodgirl

I think u should tell her. It's better she finds put now rather than later. And lets face it these things always come out.

If he hid it from you chances are you're not the only girl he has on the side.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

You are deciding that your thoughts about yourself and your dignity/morals are *better*. Trotting out the dignity and morals line is the resort of someone trying to justify what they are about to do.

I think we have very different views on what we consider dignity, how you apply morals to your life and how to treat others. I'm not "trotting" out anything - I've had the same views on cheating when dealing with friends and family who have been the girlfriend or ended up being the other woman.

dudara wrote: »

It is throwing it in her face. She will realise that her husband has been sleeping with someone else - the exact same person who came to tell her. It will feel like gloating and oneupmanship to her (even if you don't mean it that way).

It could be seen like that but I'm not gloating. How she decides to react to the news (if I decide to tell her) isn't my problem.

dudara wrote: »

People with true dignity and morals don't shove it into people's face - they simply live it every day.

If we were all to have the attitude of what you think is "true dignity" then everyone would be walking all over each other.

dudara wrote: »

Karma has a habit of sorting things out in the long run.

I think his kids are already suffering from karma but I won't get into that.

I can't multiquote so...

Ellie Collins, their actual marriage is none of my business. But the fact that he is married is my business. What you said is like saying to a wife - your husband had an affair but that affair is none of your business because you never knew it existed.

And he does not know where I live.

countryliving

my advice move on quickly........very fast. look after yourself, if you feel the need for counseilling go get it. if you were seeing him in the 2 years - did you not suspect anything? what was the nature of the relationship? were you casually seeing other people?
thank god for your own sake you were not in love with him.
i would leave the situation alone....dont bother getting yourself involved in telling the wife as i can understand that you will want to.......but look that lier will be caught out eventually by his wife with 2 young kids...imagine he doing that he must be a great lier. i am sure the poor wife must suspect something or certainly will...............what will you get out of telling his poor wife? revenge and all that - i can understand how you feel but that poor wife will find out eventually..........good luck with your decision

How Strange

seenitall wrote: »

Well, to your first point I can only reply what has been said before, that the woman is living a lie, and who wants to be living a lie? She has a right to know that the person she trusts is a liar and a cheat, and has been so since he married him. The "bomb shell" is thus, in the great scheme of things, a moot point. Who wouldn't prefer one horrible bombshell to living a long-lasting lie? Who wouldn't prefer making their life choices based on all the information available, to making them based on a cheater's schmoozing? Knowledge is power, and currently this wife is living in a state of ignorance and disempowerment - would YOU not prefer the bomb shell to that?

(There is, of course, the possibility, as already mentioned, that the wife knows what is going on and is choosing to turn a blind eye. In which case it won't be a bomb shell at all, merely a slight incovenience to her [a risk worth taking IMO], and everyone can get on with their lives.)

It must be nice to live in the moral highground. That is playing god with someone else's life according to your morals and you have absolutely no right to do so.

But of course, as already ascertained, doing the right thing takes a lot of courage, more often than not.

That's not courage, that's revenge. You could justify your motives and your logic for telling the wife any way you like but don't confuse it with courage. Courage is something different altogether.

Elle Collins

Emily123 wrote: »

Ellie Collins, their actual marriage is none of my business. But the fact that he is married is my business. What you said is like saying to a wife - your husband had an affair but that affair is none of your business because you never knew it existed.

You are putting your rights and entitlements here on a par with his wifes. You need to seperate the two and move on.