Breakup gone nasty

LegacyUser

Hi guys

Myself and my GF of 15 months broke up there yesterday. I got a text message from her telling me "we're finished." The reason was that her grandmother died on Friday. It's a long distance relationship, and I was planning on going down to her on Saturday night, as I invigilate at exams on the odd Saturday.

On the Friday night incidentally, my wallet was stolen from a pub in Dublin city centre.
I explained this to my GF on the Saturday, and that I might need to come down later on or on the Sunday as I had no cash and my family were all away, bar my dad who was sick at the time (still is). When I told her this she just told me that "that's ridiculous" and "it's always something with money with you". I explained to her that I could not help my wallet being stolen (OBVIOUSLY) and that I was not going to be made feel bad about it.

She continued with the dismissive responses until finally I told her I was not going to travel halfway across the country to her if this was the reception I was going to get. So she replied "fine, don't" so I didn't. I appreciate she was very upset over her grandmother having just died, but I would have thought the normal reaction was to offer some degree of empathy at least rather than blame me. It also suprised me, considering she lost her wallet while she was up with me in the O2, and myself and my mum drove out across the city to retrieve it for her from a girl who had found it.

Anyway, I texted her later on that night to see how she was, and the following day I said I'd try to get down that night if I could. However, I was very busy in work, as I work for a software company and we were on the verge of releasing a new product, so all developers were instructed to be available for any emergency last minute issues, which is pretty common practice in the industry really.

So I emailed my supervisor on the Friday night asking if I could take time off for the funeral. He normally answers emails over the weekend but I didn't hear anything, so I kept having to put back the time I said I would be down, until finally I said I would go into work on Monday, ask for the time off in person, explaining the situation and then I would go down to the funeral on Tuesday.

Myself and my sister were checking bus timetables, train times and maps to figure out how to get down there, and when I finally suggested coming down on Tuesday to my girlfriend, she tells me I should have been down since the Saturday, I was just stressing her out and that I shouldn't bother coming down. At this point I felt I was damned if I did, and damned if I didnt, as I could go down, and not be welcome. As I don't drive, it's also quite hard to reach from where I live, so I didn't go. I literally felt like no matter what I did, it would be wrong. Also, did she want me to risk skiving off work having already asked for the time off, going into town and getting a bus, and being seen???

I texted her yesterday to see how things went and she tells me "what do you care? I'm finished with you," and I replied, asking was she serious. She said she was, and for me to leave her alone. So I wrote her a polite email, detailing the points I mentioned above. She rang me back when she got it, spitting venom about how I was never there for her (I travelled down to her every weekend after work, very rarely the other way around, as she works in retail and rarely has weekends off), I was unreliable (!) a cheapskate (paid my way down and pretty much all of the way), she always had to pick up the pieces with me, how her family want nothing to do with me now and how I've let her down and she doesn't think she will forgive me for it.

Anyone who knows me knows these things aren't true. I'd always do whatever she asked me to do. So I texted her later on saying I didn't realise she had such a low opinion of me all this time and how what she said on the phone was cruel and untrue. She replied "you know I love and I'm your number one fan" !!! Honestly like.

It's getting nasty now as one of her friends posted a facebook status saying that I'm a "Retarded assbag" and that all this time I was "pretending to be nice" without actually naming me. I'm really not used to this sort of personal attack, and it's kind of distressing me. I'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience or knows what to do in this situation.

Cheers

Wagon

Delete all contact details and to hell with her. I know her grandmother just died and I accept that she's upset but treating you like this when it was an unfortunate series of events that stopped you coming down is ridiculous. And when you could come down, she basically said that she didn't want you there and then gives you grief about now coming to see her...

Sounds like a pain in the arse anyway. Let it to her. She made this decision and in the future if she regrets, tough one on her. You tried your best and got hammered for it. No excuse for that really.

LegacyUser

reallystunned wrote: »

So I wrote her a polite email, detailing the points I mentioned above.

You don't write someone who has suffered the loss of a loved one, a email to argue your point of view, no matter how polite it is.
Even your post is all about you and reason after reason why you couldn't go down.

You messed up.

Your post comes across as polite but very selfish. You should have gone down, despite what way she behaved, sometimes when people are under stress they need to vent and lash out.

With a bit more tact and concern for your ex you could have worked through it.

LegacyUser

To be honest I think it depends on her relationship with her grandmother, if she was close to her then I think you should have went, I know about your circumstances and all that but funerals tend to be inconvenient at the best of times, people are often about to go on holiday, can't get time off work or any number of things and you just have to put that aside and find a way to go out of respect. If she was close to her then I can imagine she's feeling a lot more hurt than you are right now....

However if she wasn't particularly close to her then she sounds like she is overreacting and her friends and family probably got her all worked up about it asking when were you coming down etc. You say you've been together for 15 months and travel down there a lot so I guess you must know her friends too and if they're posting messages on facebook about you then they sound like idiots to be honest and you won't have a chance of sorting things out with her with them in her ear complaining about you unless you meet her face to face.

You haven't mentioned how you feel about the break up?

muinteoir09

ddjsdfkljdfkl wrote: »

You don't write someone who has suffered the loss of a loved one, a email to argue your point of view, no matter how polite it is.
Even your post is all about you and reason after reason why you couldn't go down.

You messed up.

Your post comes across as polite but very selfish. You should have gone down, despite what way she behaved, sometimes when people are under stress they need to vent and lash out.

With a bit more tact and concern for your ex you could have worked through it.

Good points here. I would agree that you messed up. Yes she may have been cruel and angry but the death of a loved one can have all kinds of effects on people.

You seem more concerned with your wallet being stolen (which is a pain I know) and her lack of interest in that. You even explain how you and your mum were involved in getting back her wallet when it went missing. Maybe you should have realised that in the grand scheme of things, death and supporting those bereaved are much more important.

Out of curiousity, how old are you? I presume quite young still given the selfishness of the post.

trio

She continued with the dismissive responses until finally I told her I was not going to travel halfway across the country to her if this was the reception I was going to get. So she replied "fine, don't" so I didn't. I appreciate she was very upset over her grandmother having just died, but I would have thought the normal reaction was to offer some degree of empathy at least rather than blame me.

You told her you wouldn't travel to support her in her grief because she was giving you attitude?

Are you serious??? Her grandmother had just died.

And you had told her that because your wallet was stolen, you wouldn't be down. Despite that you could certainly have borrowed bus fare off a friend, you still had your phone after all.

And when she got frosty, you got snotty? And told her, in essence, that you would only go down to support her in her grief if she was nice???

And you think the normal reaction would have been to offer you empathy because poor you, you got your wallet nicked??

She should have gone "Ah don't mind me, I'm a great little soldier, sure it's only a death, I'll be grand, no don't bother, you take your time....."

Ah, HERE....

LegacyUser

fair enough her grandmother died but thats no excuse to be nasty to someone. The op used to do all the running in the relationship imo and when he didnt run down there exactly when she wanted she got angry and finished it. If I were you op Id run a mile - yes death isnt nice but I didnt go around like a B***CH when my grandparents or uncle died. Maybe she was looking for an excuse - you ( seemed ) to always do what she wanted before and now that you didnt she dumped you first chance. And why the hell would her parents not forgive you not being at the funeral - how immature of her to say that.

Monkey61

Yeah OP you messed up but to be honest for her this was probably just the straw that broke the camels back - especially since she brought up a load of things that you always do to annoy her.

I know that if my girlfriend had lost a loved one and was upset I would drop everything immediately and move heaven and earth to get to her, because that is what you do in relationships. There is no way that I would have hung around for days waiting to see how work was panning out etc. Your wallet being lost was a poor excuse. There must have been someone that you could have borrowed money from. Risk being seen skiving off work? Come on man, that is ridiculous. And to be fair, you did let her down this time...big time.

It doesn't matter that you went down to see her every weekend. Your job allowed that, hers didn't. You are not to be applauded for it.

Anyway, you have messed it up. Learn from it for next time. Ignore the facebook comments. It is silly, but let her be angry and deal with it in her own way.

LegacyUser

ddjsdfkljdfkl wrote: »

You don't write someone who has suffered the loss of a loved one, a email to argue your point of view, no matter how polite it is.
Even your post is all about you and reason after reason why you couldn't go down.
.

I wrote her the email so that she knew why I didn't come down - It was not offensive, confrontational or in any way intended to cause aggro. I simply laid out the reasons why I did not come down in a calm and reasoned fashion with the hope she would read it and we could resolve the problem amicably via a phone conversation or if I went down to visit her in person. Text message tennis is not the best way to achieve this, so that's why I chose email.

She was very upset when she rang me on Friday, so I was hoping to get down by 7pm that night after invigilating at exams to be with her and give her the support she needed, assuming the public transport timetables allowed it, as it is a long distance relationship, and I don't have a car. As I already said, I also requested time off from work at her request (it was really more of an order), in the middle of "crunchtime" as we call it to be there for the funeral and removal. Do I just not show up for work having already asked for the time off? You will accept , given the circumstances, it was always going to be difficult to organise at such short notice. At all times, she was my priority, I was doing everything she needed me to do and I wanted to do it for her, as I always do. So I think accusations of selfishness are unfounded.

The whole point as well is the wallet *shouldn't* have been a big deal. It should not have even featured. I explained the logistical problems of having it stolen - i didn't give a s**t about it apart from it delaying me getting down to see her, but while I was busting my balls to get down to her and stay with her for as long as she needed me, she turns it on me and implies I'm a cheapskate and using it as an excuse to not come down to her. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure how anyone can not react to that, regardless of circumstances.

LegacyUser

Not to mention the humiliation of it all for her.

I can only imagine
Every distant relative asking where her boyfriend of over a year is. And her telling them he'll be down tonight. Oh wait, he won't be. His wallet was stolen and he can't scrape bus fare together and he can't get it off his dad cos he's ill. He'll be down later. Oh wait, he won't be. He doesn't know if he can get off work and the bus times are awkward. He'll be down for the funeral. Oh no wait, he won't be because he rang there and didn't like my attitude so now he's refusing to come down unless i'm nicer but he might, maybe just come through for me because he knows I'm upset.....oh no, wait..he didn't show.
And then he TEXTED me to ask how the funeral went.....

Isn't he a great guy family and friends? A fine example of a man I can rely on.


You messed up BIG TIME op.

LegacyUser

OP, assuming your girlfriend was anyway close to her grandmother, this was probably one of the worst and most difficult few days of her entire life. Re-read that last sentence a few times.

"You will accept , given the circumstances, it was always going to be difficult to organise at such short notice."
I'd recommend in the strongest possible terms you never repeat that to your girlfriend - she won't take it well. You're trying to balance crunch time, stolen wallets, public transport and exam invigilation against a family bereavement? Right.

Re what to do, give her some time and space to get her head some ways back to normal. After that, you might get somewhere, though that really does depend on just how much you hurt her, and whether or not she sees this is as a one-off incident or your standard behaviour - if it's the latter, you're definitely done at this stage.

Your.bad

Your.bad wrote: »

Not to mention the humiliation of it all for her.

I can only imagine
Every distant relative asking where her boyfriend of over a year is. And her telling them he'll be down tonight. Oh wait, he won't be. His wallet was stolen and he can't scrape bus fare together and he can't get it off his dad cos he's ill. He'll be down later. Oh wait, he won't be. He doesn't know if he can get off work and the bus times are awkward. He'll be down for the funeral. Oh no wait, he won't be because he rang there and didn't like my attitude so now he's refusing to come down unless i'm nicer but he might, maybe just come through for me because he knows I'm upset.....oh no, wait..he didn't show.
And then he TEXTED me to ask how the funeral went.....

Isn't he a great guy family and friends? A fine example of a man I can rely on.


You messed up BIG TIME op.

In all honesty, I think this one really sums it up...

shellyboo

OP, you sound awfully cold and rational about all this. Jeepers. She had a death in the family and you're sending her point by point emails about how she's wrong and you're right?

You messed up hugely here. If any acquaintance of mine even thought to start nitpicking about my "attitude" when I was upset about a family member's death, I don't think I'd ever speak to them again.

Liveit

Well I think that this is a perfect example of how two people can see something in two totally different ways.
15 months is a long time and I find that issues are hard to sort out in writing as its open to so much interpretation by different people.
I say go to her and talk. I know you will be saying "why cant she come to me" but just do it cause it will be worth it to get it sorted out, one way or the other.

Jack B. Badd

reallystunned wrote: »

I wrote her the email so that she knew why I didn't come down - It was not offensive, confrontational or in any way intended to cause aggro. I simply laid out the reasons why I did not come down in a calm and reasoned fashion with the hope she would read it and we could resolve the problem amicably via a phone conversation or if I went down to visit her in person. Text message tennis is not the best way to achieve this, so that's why I chose email.

She was very upset when she rang me on Friday, so I was hoping to get down by 7pm that night after invigilating at exams to be with her and give her the support she needed, assuming the public transport timetables allowed it, as it is a long distance relationship, and I don't have a car. As I already said, I also requested time off from work at her request (it was really more of an order), in the middle of "crunchtime" as we call it to be there for the funeral and removal. Do I just not show up for work having already asked for the time off? You will accept , given the circumstances, it was always going to be difficult to organise at such short notice. At all times, she was my priority, I was doing everything she needed me to do and I wanted to do it for her, as I always do. So I think accusations of selfishness are unfounded.

The whole point as well is the wallet *shouldn't* have been a big deal. It should not have even featured. I explained the logistical problems of having it stolen - i didn't give a s**t about it apart from it delaying me getting down to see her, but while I was busting my balls to get down to her and stay with her for as long as she needed me, she turns it on me and implies I'm a cheapskate and using it as an excuse to not come down to her. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure how anyone can not react to that, regardless of circumstances.

You're arguing semantics, both to us and to your ex-girlfriend, in order to justify your actions. Ultimately she suffered a bereavement and it was/is a very emotional issue to deal with. Add to this the fact that she required your support and you made excuses about the persisting delay in providing it, and then instigated an argument (regardless of how reasoned it was, drawing on issues not relevant to the matter at hand, i.e. her grandmother's death) at a time when she was not in an ideal state to deal with it - what were you expecting exactly? It sounds like you didn't get the sympathy you were expecting from her and so ambushed her at a very vulnerable time.

dreamer_ire

Op I agree with the other posters who said that this was a pretty massive cock up on your part. One of the things that you will learn in life is that family and loved ones come first.... before anything else. I remember when my Dad's sister died, we were all travelling to the funeral from different parts of the country and my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. He was really annoyed with me when I finally got there because I was the only one who had missed the removal. He mouthed off a bit and while what he said hurt me I just sucked it up. Why? Cos I love him and he was hurting... he took it out on me and he shouldn't have but grief is one of the reasons you make allowances for people. Bad enough that you didn't make it down to be with her for the weekend, whether it was your fault or not, you then tried, repeatedly it seems, to justify it. Big big mistake. Any justification should have come later when things were less stressful for her.

I also think it's interesting that despite the fact that most people are saying the say thing you can't seem to take a step back and view your actions objectively.

Cheap Thrills!

Op, heres the thing FUNERAL trumps software release 'crunchtime', lost wallet, exam invigilation etc etc

If you couldn't contact your boss then thats his problem not yours. Your presence is required at your Girlfriends grandmothers funeral, no excuses, regardless of circumstances.

An adult makes it happen. I am FLABBERGHASTED that you questioned HER lack of 'empathy' over your fecking lost wallet!!!

Are you for real? Her Grandmother had died, its not her problem your wallet was lost.

And as for being 'tight' -don't be so sure you're not as tight people oftren have a total blind spot to it. I had a tight ex and he lost his wallet on a regular basis. It got tiresome.

Cullen82

In fairness someone with a bit of cop on would not have given any of these excuses in such detail nor would they have sent that ridiculous email...I'm not saying that you have to experience deaths in the family to understand this but clearly you have not got the slightest idea of how to treat someone in such a position - She's pissed off because you did all this never mind that you have'nt been there for her in person OR in spirit - You were too busy worrying about taking a day off or being caught out doing so.

You should go down to the funeral. Help her through the day and then apologise to her the following day/weekend.

You can't be anymore than 18/19 surely?

shellyboo

Cullen82 wrote: »

She's pissed off because you did all this never mind that you have'nt been there for her in person OR in spirit - You were too busy worrying about taking a day off or being caught out doing so.

OMG, yes. The perfect point. Not only were you not there for her in person, instead of supporting her from afar you were bringing her stories about lost wallets and absent bosses. You were making this whole thing about you, instead of being there for her.

perri winkles

Hold on a sec, you emailed her the day after her grandmother's funeral and expected her to respond in a calm and rational manner??

How did you you think this would be a good idea??
Why didn't you pick up the phone and at least make that small effort? Texting her in the days after her gradmother died is just not good enough, especially since you have a long distance relationship.

And not being able to get out of work because of some launch? Come on like! Have to agree with other posters, your rigid clinical way of analysing things is a little disconcerting.

She needed you. You should have been there for her. Simple as.

ash23

OP, when my then partners gran died this is what I did. Rang my manager and told them I wasn't going to be for a few days and I'd let them know exactly when I'd be back once the funeral arrangements were made. Drove 2 hours to drop my daughter to my mothers. Then drove 3 hours back to where his family were from. On the way I went to a shopping centre and got him a white shirt, black trousers and black tie. Then another shop to get his mother a black outfit. Then the shop to pick up provisions. Went to the house and spent the day making everyone tea and sandwiches. Then back into town to get the flowers arranged.
Spent the night with his mother helping her pick out an outfit for the granny to wear while also feeding the troops and making more tea than I care to remember.
Went to the funeral and helped out afterwards etc etc.....

If it had been the other way around I would ahave expected no less of him than to be there for me, no matter what the reasons.

Thats what you do when you are in a relationship with someone. You ease their burden and help them carry their load.
You just added to hers with your excuses and arguments.

LegacyUser

My opinion, you really, really let her down. You come across as completely selfish, her grandmother had just died and you decided after leading her on for days that you wouldn't come down because she wasnt going to be nice to you????? Think about how selfish that was! If my girlfriends grandmother had passed away I wouldn't care if she was being the biggest bitch in the world I would be there for her during that tough time. Your wallet was stolen, fair enough, I would of borrowed money off my sister or friends and done everything in my power to make sure I was there to comfort her as soon as possible.

The fact that you didnt even empthasize with her but even sent an email arguing your points is beyond stupid. Her GRANDMOTHER HAS JUST DIED, she doesnt want an argument she wanted comfort and you let her down. Then you continued arguing instead of doing the noble thing and just apologizing profusely and waiting until she got over the death to discuss it. No offence but your supposed to be a man, you should act like one.

Neyite

probably it took a crisis for her to realise that she cannot depend on you. it was probably the very big straw that broke the camels back, especially if she brought up other previous greviances she had about your relationship.

when a loved one dies, all a girlfriend wants is hugs. the whole family are grieving, and a boyfriend is there for just you. with lots of hankies and hugs.

you seemed indifferent to her grief- and you seemed more interested in being right, and winning a disagreement than supporting her. you even seem more upset over (admittidly childish) comments on facebook rather than her choosing to end your relationship?

if my boyfriend had acted like you did when my close relative died, he would probably have been dumped too.

you need to tell her you were wrong. and you are sorry you let her down. just that. nothing else. its up to her if she wants to accept your apology, but it doesnt sound like you will get her back.

ManOfMystery

OP unfortunately I'm with the others here.

You've made a lot of excuses in your original post. Software release with work, losing your wallet, etc. Logically, I see your point and these are all things which could hinder you travelling down to see your girlfriend.

However, in a relationship there are good times and bad times - and in the bad times, you prove your merit by going above and beyond what is required of you.

You knew your girlfriend's grandmother had just died. There shouldn't have been any indecision as to whether she might need you there or not - from your first phone call to her it was obvious she wanted you there. At that point, you should have hopped on a bus and gone straight there. Borrow the fare from someone, or go to the bank and withdraw the money. Ring your boss later and tell him you've had to attend a funeral at short notice.

Your gf is grieving and doesn't care about a software release.
Your gf is grieving and doesn't care your lost wallet.
Your gf is grieving and doesn't care about your boss missing your email (why didn't you ring him???).

You should have considered where she was in your list of importance, and just went there - deal with the other things afterwards. Unfortunately - and too late for you - she has worked out exactly where she is on that list and that is why you're now single.

xzanti

ddjsdfkljdfkl wrote: »

Your post comes across as polite but very selfish. .

+1 you should have battled the odds and got to her any way you could.. However p1ssed she was at you, I'm sure she would have been delighted to see you turn up.. Where there's a will there's a way and all that.. sorry

katie99

Oh cop on. Your girlfriend's granny died. She needed you to be with her.
You are such an asshole.
Making excuses. Wallets, father being sick, no money, unable to get time off work.
I would have dropped everything I was doing, found out the quickest and most direct route to her and left a message with the company to say why I wouldn't be around.
That's what I would expect other halves to do in such circumstances.
If you want her back go to her, whereever she is and apologise to her.
Hug her and tell her you are so sorry and want to be with her.
Do it now and stop this rubbish about her attitude.

Cullen82

OP Just in case you do read back through all of these responses (1 of which being mine) I'd just like to say something.

You don't sound like a bad guy, In fact as pointed out in one of the previous posts you seem very polite and my own gut feeling is that you're a nice lad who has made a mistake - Listen we've all made mistakes and in a lot of cases people have done an awful lot worse than you have on this occasion....following on from that people have even done worse than you in this type of situation.

Don't bother beating yourself up about it, Just listen to whats being said and then chalk it down to experience but never let something like this happen again.

Obv you need to apologise to your girlfriend - It is clearly the decent thing to do but at the end of the day you should'nt take all these posts as an attack on you personally.

Nobody's perfect - You did something wrong but you can move on from it.

I make these points as I know you don't need to be repeatedly put down on here for something you did regardless of how wrong you were.

Best of luck

Silverfish

Please be reminded that you are expected to keep things civil on this forum and not abuse posters.

Thank you.

LBD

For me when you're in a relationship there are times when your partner comes first (before work etc etc) no matter where when and for how long.

When my partners mother died I dropped everything for him, not just for him but because I wanted to be near him, if there was anything I could do to ease his pain no matter how small I did it in a heartbeat.

He did the same for me when my grandmother died (funeral was in Mayo, we live in dublin) even though I was grieving for my gran just knowing he was there made it a bit better.

If your girlfriend was close to her gran I assume your actions would have come across as insensitive and shes probably feeling hurt which I can understand. Maybe she was subconciously relying on you to be there for her and when you weren't it made her feel even worse.

Your wallet is replaceable, her Gran and the immediate days after her death unfortunately aren't.

Whispered

I would be furious. Have you ever had a death in the family OP? She needed you. You were not there.

I recently had a family death, I'm genuinely feeling very upset at how your girlfriend must be feeling after your complete disregard for her at such a difficult time.

To be honest, I wouldn't even bother trying to make it up to her. You never will. You've shown yourself to be a selfish individual who cannot be depended on at all. Even if you do sort things out now, that will always be at the back of her mind.

All you seem to have are pretty bad excuses, if my OH needed me, or even if a friend needed me, loosing my wallet would not stop me. Most people would move mountains to be there for someone they care about. Your poor girlfriend. To have to go through a family death AND have you mess her around too. I'm glad she has the strength to tell you where to go. Some people wouldn't be strong enough at such a difficult time. Leave the girl alone to be with her family and other people who care about her at this difficult time.

LegacyUser

funeral wrote: »

You haven't mentioned how you feel about the break up?

I missed this point.

OP you didn't post on here looking for advise on how to make things up with your girlfriend.
You posted to try and get validation for the way you behaved and get people to tell you she is at fault and you did nothing wrong.

You are concerned that she is not being nice to you and one of her friends posted something on a site. No that you have lost your girlfriend of over a year.

davyjose

Yeah I agree, you should have dropped work...

sure there are plenty more jobs out there. :rolleyes:

And he had no wallet/money, but hey, you should have "moved heaven and earth" to find more money, OP. Don't you know that? :rolleyes:

The OP didn't behave great, but saying he should have been there ON TIME, when that wasn't possible, is a joke. The workplace isn't like that anymore, you can't just leave.

And, clearly it wasn't just bereaving being done, if his EX had time to trash talk about him to her friends, while they posted nasty facebook messages.

Whispered

There are still employment laws, the OP would not have lost his job. Even if the OP had to be back for work by the monday, it would have meant a hell of a lot to his girlfriend to have him there at the start.

Does the OP have no friends he can borrow bus fare from? Although from the selfishness of the post I wouldn't be suprised if he didn't.

Why wouldn't she talk to her friends about things? Thats what friends do, they are there for each other and talk to each other. Yes the friends shouldn't be saying things on FB (very childish) but thats hardly the OP's ex's fault or even her concern at this stage.

There is no excuse for how he behaved.

Sarcasm and rolleyes just makes things you say seem nasty, can't you just express your opinion properly?

krudler

davyjose wrote: »

Yeah I agree, you should have dropped work...

sure there are plenty more jobs out there. :rolleyes:

And he had no wallet/money, but hey, you should have "moved heaven and earth" to find more money, OP. Don't you know that? :rolleyes:

The OP didn't behave great, but saying he should have been there ON TIME, when that wasn't possible, is a joke. The workplace isn't like that anymore, you can't just leave.

And, clearly it wasn't just bereaving being done, if his EX had time to trash talk about him to her friends, while they posted nasty facebook messages.

This, people are being way too harsh on the op, yeah he went about this the wrong way but the way people are acting like he's Satan incarnate is a bit much.

OP swallow your pride and apologise your ass off, dont make excuses, just acknowledge the fact that what happened did and you went about it the wrong way.

LBD

krudler wrote: »

This, people are being way too harsh on the op, yeah he went about this the wrong way but the way people are acting like he's Satan incarnate is a bit much.

OP swallow your pride and apologise your ass off, dont make excuses, just acknowledge the fact that what happened did and you went about it the wrong way.

In my experience people only apologise if they feel they've done something wrong......I might be wrong but it doesnt seem like the op does....

Chinafoot

LBD wrote: »

In my experience people only apologise if they feel they've done something wrong......I might be wrong but it doesnt seem like the op does....

I think this is the issue people have with the OP. He genuinely seems to think he has done absolutely nothing wrong.

reallystunned wrote:

i didn't give a s**t about it apart from it delaying me getting down to see her, but while I was busting my balls to get down to her and stay with her for as long as she needed me, she turns it on me

OP, where exactly did you bust your balls to get down to her? You didn't. Another poster has asked why you didn't ring your boss. Thats a very valid point. If you were genuinely intent on getting down to her to support her you would have done anything you could to get there. I'm sure your boss wouldn't have minded a call given the circumstances. Equally, there has to have been someone you could have borrowed bus fare from.

From your girlfriends point of view you weren't there for her when she needed you. The email was a very stupid move as was the text after the funeral. Thats so cold and as others have said, all you were doing was trying to show her that you were right and she was wrong. Well I'm sorry OP, but you were wrong and if you want to resolve this situation you need to accept that.

Don't apologise to her unless you actually mean it. From your posts here I don't think you are sorry as you appear to think your girlfriend was in the wrong (empathy for your lost wallet while dealing with the death of her grandmother...are you kidding me?!) so apologising would be meaningless.
Try to look at this from her point of view instead of taking the selfish approach, which is what you have been doing. Her grandmother just died and she wanted you there. If it was impossibility you should have said so. Constantly pushing it back and back and giving her rubbish excuses would have hurt her a lot more.

At this point, if I were you, I'd recognise how I messed up, resolve to never let it happen again, and then chalk it down to experience. I would be very surprised if she gives you another chance tbh.

John Lynch Ph.D

I would not give an employee time off to go to his girlfriends grandmothers funeral.

Seriously, If it was one of her parents but peoples grandparents get old and die, its far from a big deal.

Chinafoot

John Lynch Ph.D wrote: »

I would not give an employee time off to go to his girlfriends grandmothers funeral.

Seriously, If it was one of her parents but peoples grandparents get old and die, its far from a big deal.

I personally don't tell my employers what I want time off for unless its something I deem to be particularly important. I have an annual leave allowance that I use for things such as funerals, holidays etc. As an employer, its quite frankly none of your business what your employees use their leave for and your opinion as to whether its a big deal or not is also irrelevant. The funeral should only be mentioned if the employer is unsure about granting the time off or if you feel the need to apologise for the short notice nature of the request. I'd wager most employers would show some decency and grant the time off.

Perhaps he may not have been given the time if he was desperately needed in work, but perhaps he may have been. The point (which you are missing quite spectacularly) is that he didn't make sufficient contact with his boss in order to ascertain whether or not the time off was possible.

muinteoir09

John Lynch Ph.D wrote: »

I would not give an employee time off to go to his girlfriends grandmothers funeral.

Seriously, If it was one of her parents but peoples grandparents get old and die, its far from a big deal.

Is that a blanket ban on partner's grandparents' funerals? What if the partner was raised by the grandparents? Or lived with them? What if the grandparent dies young? Your comment is so sweeping and ill-informed that it would be funny were you not someone's boss. Then again, I rarely give much weight to comments from people who feel the need to tell the world they have a Phd...

Regarding the OP, the issue wasn't that he wasn't allowed time off work but that he didn't make a proper effort to contact his boss and missing the funeral.

greenprincess

you should have gone to her, even when she said not to.

StillWaters

John Lynch Ph.D wrote: »

I would not give an employee time off to go to his girlfriends grandmothers funeral.

Seriously, If it was one of her parents but peoples grandparents get old and die, its far from a big deal.

Seriously? I know it wouldn't qualify for compassionate leave, but you wouldn't give annual leave at short notice? (off topic, sorry)

LegacyUser

OP,
I've gone out with guys like you before. It's very very *very* frustrating to feel like second best all the time, even if you think it was a 'legitimate' problem like a lost wallet or whatever excuse it was that saw your GF come second, third, fourth place.

It doesn't really matter why you weren't there, the fact is you said you would and then showed no integrity. And left her hanging. After her grandmother died. And she had to explain to people where you were and why she was there on her own with loads of pitying eyes thinking what an edjit to put up with that. All while she's grieving.

Would you leave your friends hanging like this? Maybe you would, I don't know, but you need to look at what it means to have integrity and do what you say you're going to do when you say you're going to do it.

OP. It's not even the fact that you couldn't get off work or couldn't find money for the bus. It's the fact you made silly excuses about them and then you had the NERVE to get thick with your girlfriend for being snappy with you? God love the poor girl. Her granny dies and then her boyfriend throws a childish strop and decides he's not going to see her because she's being a bit rude. I mean, even if you genuinely couldn't have made it, if you'd told her how sorry you were, how awful you felt and that you would be there for her asap, that would have meant something. I'd hit the roof if I was grieving and got a self centered e-mail like that from someone wanting empathy about a lost wallet.

davyjose

Whispered wrote: »

There are still employment laws, the OP would not have lost his job. Even if the OP had to be back for work by the monday, it would have meant a hell of a lot to his girlfriend to have him there at the start.

Does the OP have no friends he can borrow bus fare from? Although from the selfishness of the post I wouldn't be suprised if he didn't.

Why wouldn't she talk to her friends about things? Thats what friends do, they are there for each other and talk to each other. Yes the friends shouldn't be saying things on FB (very childish) but thats hardly the OP's ex's fault or even her concern at this stage.

There is no excuse for how he behaved.

Sarcasm and rolleyes just makes things you say seem nasty, can't you just express your opinion properly?

Employment laws mean nothing, when companies are letting people go left right and centre. None of us know better than the OP what kind of pressure he is under. But if he's on call over the weekend, I'd imagine there is quite a bit. it's well and good leaving work for the death of a friend, or a parent/grandparent, but someone elses grandparent. That's not that easy to justify.

He explained why he was unable to get money. it's not a case of asking for bus fare, it's a case of having enough money to be away for the weekend. you can't travel to someone's place for the weekend with nothing in his pocket. what's he going to do, ask for a lend of 100 euro???

Sounds to me like a nice bitching session went on. If it was just a chat, how would her friends come out with such nasty remarks? They wrote that out of nastiness and anger, that's not "being there for each other", that's the outcome of a rant.

There isn't an excuse, there are many reasons. He wasn't perfect, but she just went nuts bad-mouthing him to people, etc because he couldn't be there.

if you don't like my post, report it, but I daresay a rolleyes is expressing my opinion at least as clearly, and no less nasty than:

Although from the selfishness of the post I wouldn't be suprised if he didn't.

davyjose

muinteoir09 wrote: »

Then again, I rarely give much weight to comments from people who feel the need to tell the world they have a Phd...

That's a poor attempt at discrediting someone else's opinion; your own username isn't so different.

Silverfish

davyjose, if you have nothing helpful or constructive to the OP to post, then please, don't post.

Off topic and unhelpful posts can earn you a ban from this forum.

Thanks.

davyjose

Silverfish wrote: »

davyjose, if you have nothing helpful or constructive to the OP to post, then please, don't post.

Off topic and unhelpful posts can earn you a ban from this forum.

Thanks.

Sorry, Silverfish. Edited.

LBD

davyjose wrote: »

Employment laws mean nothing, when companies are letting people go left right and centre. None of us know better than the OP what kind of pressure he is under.:

I have clearly missed something....I was unaware employment law is now a thing of the past just because we're in a recession. I have clearly wasted time in college so.

Mighty_Mouse

You sound like a total head-wreck.
Her granmother died. Whether or not she was close to her & (presumably she was seeing as it was in her home town) its an emotionally family time.
Plus every sibling, cousin, relation & neighbour is there & asking about he BF.
To which she probably replied "coming tomorrow", "coming tomorrow", "coming tomorrow".........................which is a bit embarrassing when in the end you didnt.

The process for a GF funeral is simple: you go!
If you lost yer wallet, break the piggy-jar or feckin hitch, whatever.
Arrive down, quick word in the ear of yer gf "I lost my wallet last night, some craic geting here, help me out laters"!

Or alternatively, you say: "I can't go for this reason, Ill be down Tuesday". She might be pissed but its straight up.

You bitch & whine & make excuses, argue technial points etc etc

LegacyUser

OP,

I'm assuming that had it been one of your own parents that died (God forbid), that you would have taken time off, regardless of whether you had managed to contact your boss or not?

The death of her grandmother will always rate as far less important to you compared to (for example) the death of your father. And that's natural. But it's HOW MUCH less important that's the issue. And my feeling is that the death of her grandmother mattered to you not a whit. Not even for your girlfriends sake. Which should tell you something of how much your girlfriend matters to you.

And let's face it, if you were able to commit some of your "crunch time" to invigilating exams, you weren't that focussed on being available 24/7.

It's an unfiortunate time.

Chinafoot

davyjose wrote: »

Employment laws mean nothing, when companies are letting people go left right and centre. None of us know better than the OP what kind of pressure he is under. But if he's on call over the weekend, I'd imagine there is quite a bit. it's well and good leaving work for the death of a friend, or a parent/grandparent, but someone elses grandparent. That's not that easy to justify.

Employment laws mean nothing? Christ. Thats a new one on me.

Again, the point is that he didn't actually ask his boss directly if it would be possible by picking up the phone. Maybe he would have been denied the time off, we don't know though because he went about it the wrong way.

davyjose wrote: »

He explained why he was unable to get money. it's not a case of asking for bus fare, it's a case of having enough money to be away for the weekend. you can't travel to someone's place for the weekend with nothing in his pocket. what's he going to do, ask for a lend of 100 euro???

Why would he need €100 in order to be there for his girlfriend? He'd need his fare down and back. It's not like he would have been paying for a hotel room. She clearly wanted him there and by the sounds of it would have been happy for him to have only had his fare once he actually made it there to support her.

davyjose wrote: »

Sounds to me like a nice bitching session went on. If it was just a chat, how would her friends come out with such nasty remarks? They wrote that out of nastiness and anger, that's not "being there for each other", that's the outcome of a rant.

There isn't an excuse, there are many reasons. He wasn't perfect, but she just went nuts bad-mouthing him to people, etc because he couldn't be there.

Lol, went nuts? Jaysus, between that, your end of employment laws and him needing €100 to go to a funeral with his girlfriend, you certainly seem to enjoy exaggerating. I have no doubt that this girl spoke to her friends about it. Why the hell wouldn't she? Her grandmother had died and her boyfriend fobbed her off with excuse after excuse while still leaving her hanging waiting for him to come down to be there for her. Then he decides she's being a little too mean to him for his liking, what with her heartless lack of empathy for his poor lost wallet *sniff* so not only is he not going but he's going to send her a petty little email pointing out how wonderful he is and how wrong she is. Its pathetic. She had every right to be angry at his actions and if her friends felt the need to post that stuff (childish as it is) thats hardly her doing. When someone messes your friend about you tend to see that person in a new, unpleasant light. Her friends most likely made up their own minds about the OPs behaviour, the same as the vast majority of people replying to this thread did. His actions speak for themselves really.

She has ended the relationship because of his behaviour. If he's unhappy with what her friends have said on facebook he can very easily block her and them and he won't have to see it. Simple.