Is it ever ok for a guy to hit a girl?

LegacyUser

The other day me and my boyfriend had a row, i got upset that his mother said "thank you son" after she finished a dinner he and I had both spent time cooking. The evenin before that i ran into her on the street after he had stormed off on me and i was already concerned that she thought i was not making him happy because she knows we rowed. (I was staying in his mothers house both of these days). So after she left the table i expressed my concern to my boyfriend about the fact she said "thank you son" for the dinner and said nothing to me, saying perhap she doesnt like me for the reasons mentioned above. He got incredibly angry and lef the room in a huff. I was at the table and i started crying, i was just so upset from the row the night before and now this. He came back in to the room and came over to me to talk to me, but i was crying into my hands and didnt feel like talking so i told him to go away and went to push him away with my arm. From where i was sitting, and given that he was standing to my side, my elbow accidentally got him just above his crotch, and he reacted by punching me properly on the arm. I was stunned and said "you just hit me" and he walked away and said really loudly that i had hit him in the balls, which i hadnt. Afterwards when he followed me upstairs to him room he admitted that he knew i didnt hit him or try to hurt him and he was sorry he hit me. Im just not sure if this acceptable or not? I did feel like maybe he didnt have enough respect for me to stop himself hitting me. He said he does have respect for me and he'll never do it again, should i let this go? And is it a normal reaction for a guy when someone gets them near their "sensitive area" to lash out and hit them? Thanks

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

Fighting over who his mother thanks for the meal, running off, huffing, crying, now accidental elbows leading to arm punches?

Sounds horrendous. If you can't speak to each other and discuss issues properly then there is little point in continuing a relationship together. It's never okay for anyone to hit anyone else but I think it's just the cherry on a pretty toxic relationship. Perhaps you'd both be better off with other people?

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

No it's not, however it is instinctive for some people. I have had best friends jokingly slap me in the face and I've responded with a full on punch. Without even thinking. It's strange before I can think my body just responds. However, is he saying he instinctively hit you by accident after you hurt is sensitive area or is he saying he lost his temper after you hit him in the balls and hes sorry, because if its the former I'd let it go if its uncharacteristic of him but if its the latter, I'd be very wary.

LegacyUser

isitok? wrote: »

The other day me and my boyfriend had a row, i got upset that his mother said "thank you son" after she finished a dinner he and I had both spent time cooking. The evenin before that i ran into her on the street after he had stormed off on me and i was already concerned that she thought i was not making him happy because she knows we rowed. (I was staying in his mothers house both of these days). So after she left the table i expressed my concern to my boyfriend about the fact she said "thank you son" for the dinner and said nothing to me, saying perhap she doesnt like me for the reasons mentioned above. He got incredibly angry and lef the room in a huff. I was at the table and i started crying, i was just so upset from the row the night before and now this. He came back in to the room and came over to me to talk to me, but i was crying into my hands and didnt feel like talking so i told him to go away and went to push him away with my arm. From where i was sitting, and given that he was standing to my side, my elbow accidentally got him just above his crotch, and he reacted by punching me properly on the arm. I was stunned and said "you just hit me" and he walked away and said really loudly that i had hit him in the balls, which i hadnt. Afterwards when he followed me upstairs to him room he admitted that he knew i didnt hit him or try to hurt him and he was sorry he hit me. Im just not sure if this acceptable or not? I did feel like maybe he didnt have enough respect for me to stop himself hitting me. He said he does have respect for me and he'll never do it again, should i let this go? And is it a normal reaction for a guy when someone gets them near their "sensitive area" to lash out and hit them? Thanks

All this over the fact that his mother didn't acknowlegde you for making(part) of the dinner? That seems a bit OTT to me. Is there any particular reason the two of you row often? I don't agree with him punching you but it's not exactely like he hit you in the face or something.......it he does it again, tell him to take a hike, untill than I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but that's just me.

Rented Mule

Paraphrasing your post 'you elbowed him in the crotch'.

LegacyUser

Thanks. Not the kind of reply i was expecting...ie: mentioning the crying and storming off etc...i suppose over the 2 days there was a good bit of stress but i didnt want to get into the whole 2 days of it so it sounds a bit muddled. I cried because everything was getting on top of me. Then when i tried to talk to him about my concerns over his mother witnessing our rows in her house, and then seeing me on the street on my own after a function we were all at because he left me there (in his home town btw), he just got instantly angry instead of just understanding and agreeing to talk to her about it all. I hope this makes more sense. I am a sensitive person at times, and my boyfriend also lacks patience at times, so that might explain the storming off and huffing? Thanks

LegacyUser

Yeah i guess thats what i was saying... not intentionally though

Jumpy

isitok? wrote: »

And is it a normal reaction for a guy when someone gets them near their "sensitive area" to lash out and hit them? Thanks

Its about as instinctive as pulling your hand away from a hot flame.
Rage reaction before the pain sets in.
Seriously dont think it was deliberate.

minidazzler

I'm sure there are some situations where it is OK to hit a girl.

TBH, I don't think this was one of them. Did he actually punch you or parry your arm away?

That all said, I think you made a big deal at him about something his mother said. That wasn't his fault.

LegacyUser

hey OP i think he was totally in the wrong there he shouldnt have hit you. Instinct or no instinct he should be able to control himself. If you had done it on purpose then fair enough the fact you didnt and he knew that but still hit you... that worries me.

epgc3fyqirnbsx

Tbh, its not too descritpive and none of us have seen it, a hit in the groin can cause you to lurch forward or throw your arms out, if it was truly reactionary he didn't hit her out of rage or anger, reflexes cannot be helped

But you really do need to sit down and start talking instead of getting overwraught with emotion

LegacyUser

minidazzler wrote: »

I'm sure there are some situations where it is OK to hit a girl.

TBH, I don't think this was one of them. Did he actually punch you or parry your arm away?

That all said, I think you made a big deal at him about something his mother said. That wasn't his fault.

There is far more to the story...i guess i better get into it or people will think im a psycho:

I had been down to stay with him for 2 weeks. He plays online all the time so for the 2 weeks i mostly sat around in his room / house every day while he played online. I got groceries and cooked etc so he didnt have to worry about interrupting his game (poker). 2 days previous to this incident he had a bad run and got pretty pissed off. I was getting cabin fever by this stage but i didnt complain, i just occupied myself with reading books and watching tv all day. So this day with the bad run he says to me. Im pretty pissed off so im going to go to the pub, and id prefer to go on my own.

So ive sat around in his house with him for 2 weeks and the day he decides to go out he expects me to sit in his house on my own. At first i said yeah ok i understand you need to blow off steam etc im ok with hit, but then i said well actually id really like to get out too, do you really mind if i go? He got angry and said he couldnt go now that i ruined it for him because he wouldnt be able to relax either way- if i came or if he left me behind. I should have just said ok and sat in his room on my own while he went out?

The day previous, we were at a function in town with his mum and sister and some other people and walking out he says to me what do you want to do now, and i shrugged my shoulders and said i didnt mind. SO he stormed off out the door and off towards home a few steps ahead of me in a huff and when i tried to ask what was wrong etc he went mad and told me it was never a good night with me and he didnt care about anything anymore and other insulting things out of nowhere, i said that wasnt fair and asked for an apology and he just said no and that he didnt care where i went and stormed off home to his house without me. I live on the other side of the country and this was 11:30 at night so i had nowhere to go.

Thats when i ran into his mother who was wondering why i was there on the street on my own, and i explained he stormed off (she has previously asked me how i put up with his moods, shes witnessed him being temperamental towards me a few times before this) she drove me to the house and at this stage i was concerned that all this crap was now affecting her life and i was staying in her house, so i felt self-conscious over dinner the next day, thats why we made the dinner for her coming in from work, to make up for the disruptions. Thats why i was so concerned with how she accepted it.

I hope all this makes more sense now...

LegacyUser

Adeline Purple Beefsteak wrote: »

Tbh, its not too descritpive and none of us have seen it, a hit in the groin can cause you to lurch forward or throw your arms out, if it was truly reactionary he didn't hit her out of rage or anger, reflexes cannot be helped

But you really do need to sit down and start talking instead of getting overwraught with emotion

I should also explain that he told me afterwards that he hit me out of frustration and anger and me rejecting him coming over to me, not from the pain, i got him NEAR his groin, now right in it, and it wasnt a hard shove.

Tefral

Sounds like it was reactionary more than anything, plus you were upset aswell, so you would have been senstive and might have taken it more as a hurtful thing rather than looking at it objectively.

To answer your question more genrally, i would think theres no real situation where a man should hit a girl.

But: if some scumbag girl came up and thumped me for no reason, id thump her back.. not very PC but thats what id do.

LegacyUser

my gf slapped me in the face once. i slapped her back without even thinking. was just reactionary. sounds like your bf had the same type of reaction.

i think its never ok for a guy to hit a girl, but equally, its never ok for a girl to hit a guy.

sometimes these things do happen in the heat of the moment, and in these times, you both have to accept responsibility for your actions.

OP - he was wrong to hit you, and likewise, you were wrong to hit him. apologies are needed from both sides here.

LegacyUser

i think your over analysing things.....sounds like it was just a once-off thing. he could easily have interpreted your elbow strike as deliberate in the spur of the moment.

i think it's alright to hit a female if she hits you first. i also think it's ok if you were in a situation where you caught your wife having sex with another man. i really don't care if thats pc or not, thats what i do and it wouldn't bother me what anyone else thought. obviously, when i say hit, i don't mean beating the crap out of someone....but a few slaps is understandable.

LegacyUser

As far as I'm concerned, it's fine to hit a girl in self defence.

Saw it once when a girl attacked a guy outside a bar - she was clawing at him with her nails and wouldn't stop. He kept trying to stop her but as soon as he batted one hand away, the other was ready to rake is face. He was back into a car and she was laying into him.

He punched her in the face after having issued many warnings. It stopped her in her tracks obviously and he then escaped.

I wouldn't have ever thought it was fine to hit a girl until I saw the violent attack he was subjected to before he resorted to it.

I

LighterGuy

On the subject. I think its all context really.

If a women, could even your girlfriend or wife, comes at you with a knife. Yeah I dont think its wrong to hit her to get the knife out of her hand :P

The majority of men will try to stop the women from hitting. And its the good thing to do. But as said above if some skanger came up hitting you.. you're hardly, and rightfully so, going to think "oh i cant hit her"

Personally, I think its the context of who is hitting you and why.
Lets say a context of a punch. If a partner ever hit me square on. I wouldnt hit her back. If she tried again I would just try to stop her.

However, I have to add if some girl, who is not a current partner, family, an ex or friend, hits me square on and I do not deserve it (it is different if you do :P) then there is nothing wrong to hit back. I dont know if I would actually in a situation but i know it wouldnt be wrong if I did. Even then you still couldnt. You'd probably get arrested. lol.

But its all about the context.

Taltos

This is something I have fought with (no pun) all my life. The fight / flight response - I definitely fight or react before thinking.

Worst for me was a former employer yrs ago decided to frighten me (for fun) while I was working the in the back-room of the premises. My response - well just stopped my fist from connecting with his face - but barely... If he had been closer I may not have stopped.

Saying that though - I do think it wrong to hit anyone - male or female - I don't make distinctions here. Whatever the cause / or apparent justification we each need to take responsibility for our (re)actions.

However, as one of the first posters said - your whole relationship seems to be very messed up. Crying in the street? Blanked by his mum? Over-sensitive - you might have a reason to be?...
Maybe you have self-esteem issues - or maybe he is not being supportive enough. But maybe you both need to look at what you are adding to this relationship and how you are helping each other? The adult choice here might just be to say - "you know Mick - this isn't working for either of us. Thanks for the memories..."

Auldloon

If someone hits me and hurts me I will hit back regardless of gender in 90% of cases.
OP I think you should get out of this relationship immediately, he has been treating you terribly and its only gonna get worse by the sound of it.

sbsquarepants

I think he probably hit out instinctively and that is something that is impossible to control, no matter what anybody else tells you on here. for that reason i would more or less disregard that to be honest. What is of more concern is he sounds like a total dick, you come across the country to see him and he spends his time playing online poker and then wants you to sit in while he goes to drown his sorrows cos he's s'hit at it??

Cop yourself on and dump this looser imediately!

Tmeos

I think the punch is not the big issue in this relationship to be honest, sure it's pretty pathetic to hit a woman out of frustration but as said above it could have been an instinctive thing.

To be honest with you I would be more upset by his previous behaviour e.g. poker playing and ignoring you, expecting you to sit in his room while he goes for pints and having a little tantrum over nothing. These things more that teh punch I would say show a deep disrespect for you and I certainly would consider what exactly you are getting from this relationship. To an outsider it does not sound plesant.

Miss Fluff

isitok? wrote: »

I had been down to stay with him for 2 weeks. He plays online all the time so for the 2 weeks i mostly sat around in his room / house every day while he played online.

Um, why are you doing this exactly?

shellyboo

That sounds horriffic, OP. The hitting is nothing, IMO, an insticntive reaction to you accidentally hitting him - but he sounds like a nightmare. Why are you still with him? Is there anything good about the relationship? How does he make you happy?

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I'm going to be straight with you here; GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT RELATIIONSHIP - NOW!!!!!

You're OH sounds like he hates you/can't stand you. I'm really sorry and I don't want to hurt you but it really doesn't sound like he cares about you at all. He sounds like a selfish **** to be honest. You deserve way better that a childish, selfish, abusive pig, honestly hon, get out now, this relationship obviously isn't making you or him happy, stop flogging a dead horse. Get out now or you'll just waste loads of time.

With regards to the hitting, I don't really know, I've never been hit by a man but I would say from what you've said that it was more a reflex than a conscious decision to hit you. Personally for me anyways, if anger lead into actual agression even once I'd be gone, although my bf is 17 stone and 6foot3 so it would be stupidly serious if he did get aggressive so maybe it's different. The only person that was there was you, do you think he did it as a reflex or do you think he was being aggressive?

Curry Addict

this guy has displayed no respect whatsoever for you OP.
sitting around 2 weeks while he donks off his cash like a fool. when u do, do something finally together he verbally abuses u and then abandons you.
eh hello? this guy is a total loser and needs to be dumped in a trash can somewhere far far away.

LegacyUser

tvsense wrote: »

my gf slapped me in the face once. i slapped her back without even thinking. was just reactionary. sounds like your bf had the same type of reaction.

i think its never ok for a guy to hit a girl, but equally, its never ok for a girl to hit a guy.

sometimes these things do happen in the heat of the moment, and in these times, you both have to accept responsibility for your actions.

OP - he was wrong to hit you, and likewise, you were wrong to hit him. apologies are needed from both sides here.

i didnt hit him!!! Thats part of the point. I didnt even hurt him. I shoved him away with my arm and he reacted my hitting me out of frustration saying i got him near his groin and it angered him.

LegacyUser

Thanks everybody. As i was reading i was starting to think all the posts were from guys giving reasons why its ok for a guy to hit a girl if she attacks him first which was kind of off my point a bit...
Yes. Ive been talking to my sister and my aunty today and both of them, in fact all my family really, tell me to get out that he doesnt treat me right. Its hard. Im totally in love with this guy and im scared ill never meet anyone else, or anyone else i love as much as him. In fact i cant even think about meeting anyone else- i dont want to. I just want him to want me more. My aunty said something that really hit a cord with me- that poker is the love of his life. He loves me, that i know, but he loves poker more, like all addicts. His moods are controlled by poker, he travels for poker when its hard to get him to travel for me soetimes, hence im always at his. He spends money on the poker. Poker gives him his highs and lows etc... i come 2nd. The night we went to the funciton, he was already at breaking point because he had to leave his online playing to go to it so he was in a bad mood before we even left the house. I just dont know what to do anymore. I love him dearly and cant imagine a life without him but he makes it so hard for me. He breaks up with me as a regular occurance over such small things, things like asking him too many times what he's thinking about when he's staring out the window moodily over breakfast, or for asking him to come and see me when im sick and getting upset when he says theres no point in going all that way etc... Im just so in love with him, we have good times too, but hes so temperamental and difficult that i feel every word i say and every action i take is under huge scrutiny and could set him off at any moment, i feel im always a stones throw away from losing him again...
I dont know. I just wish things were easier and that he wasnt so moody. Today when we spoke on the phone he started shouting at me that he hates being on the phone and he felt like smashing it and to "leave him alone", that he wants to spend 90% of his time on his own and he doesnt want any texts or calls. Granted yesteday we talked on the phone quite a bit because i had ben away from him for 2 days and all this stuff has been going through my head and i feel so insecure, but he just looses it over such small things.
Thanks for reading my rant (if anyones got this far)

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Um, why are you doing this exactly?

I suppose i should also mention that we have good times too, when hes very affectionate and loving and we get on well. We do have a lot of rows or tricky moments but im totally in love with this guy and i feel like i need to be patient to hang on to him. Im 28, ive had other relationships before, im with him for 15 months now and ive never felt this way for any other guy. I love him

Stheno

isitok? wrote: »

I love him

Will you still love him the next time you have a row and you end up bruised?

Or the time after that you end up with broken bones?

Tbh it sounds like a lose lose situation for you, if you didn't hit his groin and he reacted as he did you are looking at the above situation.

If you did hit his groin and he reacted instictively fine, but the rest of his behaviour imo points to you being his doormat.

Chucky the tree

It sounds to me that he has some mental issue rather then just being an asshole. The fact his mother commented on how you put up with his mood swings would suggest he has been like this most of his live. I'd try get him to a doctor or get him to see someone qualified.

Ever2010

isitok? wrote: »

Thanks everybody. As i was reading i was starting to think all the posts were from guys giving reasons why its ok for a guy to hit a girl if she attacks him first which was kind of off my point a bit...
Yes. Ive been talking to my sister and my aunty today and both of them, in fact all my family really, tell me to get out that he doesnt treat me right. Its hard. Im totally in love with this guy and im scared ill never meet anyone else, or anyone else i love as much as him. In fact i cant even think about meeting anyone else- i dont want to. I just want him to want me more. My aunty said something that really hit a cord with me- that poker is the love of his life. He loves me, that i know, but he loves poker more, like all addicts. His moods are controlled by poker, he travels for poker when its hard to get him to travel for me soetimes, hence im always at his. He spends money on the poker. Poker gives him his highs and lows etc... i come 2nd. The night we went to the funciton, he was already at breaking point because he had to leave his online playing to go to it so he was in a bad mood before we even left the house. I just dont know what to do anymore. I love him dearly and cant imagine a life without him but he makes it so hard for me. He breaks up with me as a regular occurance over such small things, things like asking him too many times what he's thinking about when he's staring out the window moodily over breakfast, or for asking him to come and see me when im sick and getting upset when he says theres no point in going all that way etc... Im just so in love with him, we have good times too, but hes so temperamental and difficult that i feel every word i say and every action i take is under huge scrutiny and could set him off at any moment, i feel im always a stones throw away from losing him again...
I dont know. I just wish things were easier and that he wasnt so moody. Today when we spoke on the phone he started shouting at me that he hates being on the phone and he felt like smashing it and to "leave him alone", that he wants to spend 90% of his time on his own and he doesnt want any texts or calls. Granted yesteday we talked on the phone quite a bit because i had ben away from him for 2 days and all this stuff has been going through my head and i feel so insecure, but he just looses it over such small things.
Thanks for reading my rant (if anyones got this far)

Ok try to read over your post as if this were your best friend telling you about her life - what would you advise her to do?

He seems to have serious addiction problems, if he gets these sorted then maybe you have a future. If not you are going to become more and more insecure and allow him to treat you even more like c***, because that's what you're doing now - you're allowing him to treat you this way.

If you don't take some sort of control now you're going to have one very unhappy life - sorry to be so blunt but I reckons that's what's going to happen.

LegacyUser

Chucky the tree wrote: »

It sounds to me that he has some mental issue rather then just being an asshole. The fact his mother commented on how you put up with his mood swings would suggest he has been like this most of his live. I'd try get him to a doctor or get him to see someone qualified.

Thanks for this. Im starting more and more to think he just has strange habits / moods. His mother did mention to me before that shes sure he is obsessive compulsive. And he definitely has some of the qualities, like needing to have all doors shut when hes in a room, and needing the dishwasher packed a certain wat etc. He has been like this all his life i think also, his parents told a story over a dinner party once about a time he was 4 and had to go to school in some clothes he didnt like as his uniform was in the wash and he gave the teacher a terrible time all day long, every time she turned her back he made for the door and and he kicked her shins black and blue every time, she was a wreck. The next day his mum made him bring her a present to say sorry. HE cant stand anyone telling him what to do, asking him to do something he doenst want to, making plans, booking / organising anything, or having to be somewhere at the weekend, he likes to be completely free and spontaneous to do what he wants on a whim with no questions, and any restrictions drive him crazy. I love him to bits, and i do think the poker is an addiction and he has a problwm with it, he;ll say its killing him and its painful but after a lie down he gets up and plays again. FOr a whole year i gave him the benefit of the doubt when he said he wasnt addicted just "obsessed", i said i would be happy with that until i saw it cause a problem and now i think it is, it controls his moods which he then takes out on me. I think h needs to give it up or else realise its control over him but i think he can only see this in his own time, his famliy have all thought this for years but he rejecys the idea that hes addicted.
Thanks to everyone whos replied, i cant say how great it is to have outside people to tell all this stuff to and get feedback / advice, i cant talk to anyone else about this stuff people everyone else is in some way biased because theyre too close to me, and being with him for the last year and going to his most weekends i feel my life is almost there to accomodate his and ive lost a little of myself. My family dont know him nearly as much as his know me and he has loads more friends than i have and ive met them tonnes more than hes met my friends, so its hard to talk to people about it at all because if theyre not biased than the other situation is that they arent familiar with our relationship and i dont want to tell people that dont know him all this stuff or ill turn my friends against him. So thank you, this forum is brilliant, i feel more relieved aleady just that people are there to advise

LegacyUser

Ever2010 wrote: »

Ok try to read over your post as if this were your best friend telling you about her life - what would you advise her to do?

He seems to have serious addiction problems, if he gets these sorted then maybe you have a future. If not you are going to become more and more insecure and allow him to treat you even more like c***, because that's what you're doing now - you're allowing him to treat you this way.

If you don't take some sort of control now you're going to have one very unhappy life - sorry to be so blunt but I reckons that's what's going to happen.

Youre right in a sense that i havent left him. Ive said to him even today that the things he has done are not respectful and that these things cant continue. I said i love hi, but i deserve more respect and consideration. He says youre right, you deserve better, im not treating you right and i know im not, i hate myself for it, im not happy right now and im highly strung all the time, my frustration levels are so high constantly im reacting badly to every small thing. I hope things will change in time when hes less stressed out. Its nothing major but i cant say more here, im terrified as it is that someone that knows him might read all this and know its about him ive given so much info about him already i feel. He doesnt know im posting on here and id rather it stayed totally anonymous.

I think he does have an addiction problem, but he wont admit hes an "addict", he doesnt like that word. Hopefully he will realise the problem and seek help himself because i think thats what it takes in these situations... i just love him so much and he tells me he loves me so much too. Im his first serious GF, and im willing to stick it out. TBH id like us to live together before we call it a day so that i know we gave it the best chance. If we lived together things would be a lot easier.
Thanks again everyone for all this advice, its helping me a lot just to unload

Kanye

Hi OP,

You said you're worried that you won't meet anyone else. That's the sort of thing I say when I think about my breakup - something that is likely to happen in the next few days.

It's silly to say something like that though, because if you have a boyfriend now, that's bonus points for experience in terms of trying to find someone else. I wish I wasn't so drunk and could give you some proper advice but basically I think you're boyfriend is acting like a dick and you should break up and find someone who will treat you like the top-notch girl you seem to be.

I also understand how difficult it is to actually break it off with someone you love just because they're being an asshole, but it's very important that you're strong enough to do it. I have to break it off with someone whom I love because she's monumentally selfish and incredibly immature. The fact that she's incredibly attractive makes it a very difficult task, but it has to be done.

Edit: I understand that this is actually more my PI than advice for the OP and I'm sorry.

Miss Fluff

isitok? wrote: »

being with him for the last year and going to his most weekends i feel my life is almost there to accomodate his and ive lost a little of myself.

You seem to have a crippling lack of self-esteem. You haven't just lost a little of yourself, you seem to have quite happily slotted into the poker widow role without bye or leave. You know what people find really attractive in a partner? Someone with their own interests and independence. You readily admit that you go to his house (his parents house!!) for extended periods at a time to sit on his bed and watch DVDs while he feeds his addiction. Where the hell is the fun in that?

I have one question for you. Bar loving him like nobody else and obviously being terrified of never meeting anyone else, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

To me it seems like you are are very needy and seem to spend a lot of time whinging (TOTAL overeaction on your part re his mother's comment after dinner) and your boyfriend is a selfish disinterested addict. Both immature, and neither of you happy in the relationship. Why don't you do yourself and him a massive favour and instigate the break up? You may get some semblance of your life and personality back if you do pet. You're clinging on to something that simply is not going to change merely for the sake of "being in a relationship"

LegacyUser

Wow. Ok, i definitely do NOT see myself as a door mat!!! Im slightly offended right now. Its a bit hard when we only have 2 options of places to be together and one of them is where he lives with his parents. Its not like i can just do what i want while im there or just leave because im restricted in that way. I think that would be very demanding and selfish on my part!

For money ive worked in my job for the last 2 years. I work in Dublin and he lives on the other side of the country. I stayed for an extended period of time at his parents house lately because i had time off work. Ususally we just see each other at weekends. Most of the time i would go to his house as my parents (with whom i live at the moment as well) are not so cool about our relationship and are not happy about us sharing a room etc, but his parent are, so its just more stress-free at his place.

Yes i have hobbies, i dont even see my boyfriend as much as other couples would because we live so far apart, so its definitely not like my BF is my whole life or anything!! I see my friends when i can, during the week or on certain weekends, considering we do have a LD relationship and only have the weekends to see each other.

MY goal in life is to be happy, like most other normal people. To grow as a person, to learn from life and be the person i want to be, to work a job i like as i dont like my current one, to get fitter and be more healthy which im trying to do, and to one day have a family of my own. Right now im staying with my sister and her BF and hes at home so its not like i dont do other things!!

LegacyUser

Kanye wrote: »

Hi OP,

You said you're worried that you won't meet anyone else. That's the sort of thing I say when I think about my breakup - something that is likely to happen in the next few days.

It's silly to say something like that though, because if you have a boyfriend now, that's bonus points for experience in terms of trying to find someone else. I wish I wasn't so drunk and could give you some proper advice but basically I think you're boyfriend is acting like a dick and you should break up and find someone who will treat you like the top-notch girl you seem to be.

I also understand how difficult it is to actually break it off with someone you love just because they're being an asshole, but it's very important that you're strong enough to do it. I have to break it off with someone whom I love because she's monumentally selfish and incredibly immature. The fact that she's incredibly attractive makes it a very difficult task, but it has to be done.

Edit: I understand that this is actually more my PI than advice for the OP and I'm sorry.

No thats ok, thanks for your input

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You seem to have a crippling lack of self-esteem. You haven't just lost a little of yourself, you seem to have quite happily slotted into the poker widow role without bye or leave. You know what people find really attractive in a partner? Someone with their own interests and independence. You readily admit that you go to his house (his parents house!!) for extended periods at a time to sit on his bed and watch DVDs while he feeds his addiction. Where the hell is the fun in that?

I have one question for you. Bar loving him like nobody else and obviously being terrified of never meeting anyone else, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

To me it seems like you are are very needy and seem to spend a lot of time whinging (TOTAL overeaction on your part re his mother's comment after dinner) and your boyfriend is a selfish disinterested addict. Both immature, and neither of you happy in the relationship. Why don't you do yourself and him a massive favour and instigate the break up? You may get some semblance of your life and personality back if you do pet. You're clinging on to something that simply is not going to change merely for the sake of "being in a relationship"

Hmmm, i definitely would not say that i spend a lot of time whinging!! Yes i was upset the day that we made his mother dinner, but it wasnt "just" because of what she said, it was over everything that happened the 3 days previous and just being uncomfortable in the house and feeling extra self-conscious that his mother was not happy about me being there or worrying that i wasnt making her son happy.

Its not that i just freak out over small remarks, there was lots leading up to that, and i cried out of pure frustration and sadness that everything was always a row or difficult or uncomfortable, AND i also felt down and hurt from the previous 2 days. Thats just when it all came out. Maybe i am currently lacking a bit of self esteem, this relationship has had quite a few bumps that have left me feeling bad and treated slightly less than im worth, and i did stick around. I guess that is what has my confidence at a bit of a low. Its just very hard to know if i should work at it more because maybe its my own fault, or if i should just call it a day. So far i feel i should give it more time because things are always strained due to the distance and the phone calls and texts- which are a bad way to communicate but a necessity because we cant see each other as much as normal partners would.

I feel i cant write any more. Ive said all i can say without jeopardising his anonymity if someone he knows reads on here. Im just so lost over all this and maybe my self esteem has suffered over this relationship, and i have let myself lose a bit of my own life due to most weekends taken up by him... im just not sure if theres anything else i can do besides ending it that will make it better. We are planning on moving in together as soon as i get a new job somewhere that suits us both so maybe ill wait until we do that to see how it pans out.

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

Unique User Name

What a load of sh*t. It absolutely doesn't make her truly pathetic. She's going through a hard time right now and I find it very hard to believe that you've never gone above and beyond the call of duty to help out somebody you care unless of course you've never really loved someone. I know I certainly have and it doesn't make me pathetic. She's obviously a very caring person and she's taking way more sh*t than anybody should have to but that doesn't make her pathetic. You can see by the OP response that she does have a lot of other stuff going on.

To the OP - Addiction is a very difficult thing for people to get past. It almost always ruins relationships. Just think of any alcoholics that you know. Are they in happy relationships? I very much doubt it. The unfortunate thing is until he gets help and gets over his addictions he won't be able to maintain a healthy relationship with you or anyone.

Just wondering, does he actually win much at poker seeing as he plays so much? And by that I mean does he show signs (lots of money etc) of someone who wins as much as he might claim he is?

I've rarely come across anyone who could make a good solid living from poker, it takes tremendous skill and more importantly a lot of stamina and from the sounds of his mood swings he probably tilts (loses in a rage) an awful lot of cash away. I've heard lots of stories of people losing their homes etc thanks to online poker, is this something you would like to see in your future? Could you have a mortgage/kids if there was a chance that your husband might lose money for weeks on end - which statistically will happen?

Walls

Can you name one good quality he has? I'm not wondering if you should leave him, I'm wondering why on earth you are with him.

Seriously, you're 28 and you're on the sidelines of his life. You get the leftovers when he's not playing poker. The whole situation is so awful I feel dreadful for you.

up for anything

isitok? wrote: »

I should also explain that he told me afterwards that he hit me out of frustration and anger and me rejecting him coming over to me, not from the pain, i got him NEAR his groin, now right in it, and it wasnt a hard shove.

This seems to be the bit most of the responders here have missed. He didn't hit you from a knee jerk reaction but because he was already feeling frustration and anger and then you pissed him off.

No, it is not ok for him to hit you like that.

Let him away with it once and you're leaving the door open just enough to spend the rest of your life with him explaining how you walked into it time after time.

His mother would be one of the people who would know his form and character best. She's asked you how you put up with him, told you that he is a 'bit' OCD.

I can't believe you are considering moving in with him and seeing how that pans out. I can tell you. You will lose more and more of yourself and will look back to the way you feel now and think I used to be so happy then and how happy are you now! :rolleyes:

You are not going to change him. He needs to that for himself. Moving in with him means everything is going to get a whole lot worse and it'll be much harder to break up and move on.

LegacyUser

Unique User Name wrote: »

What a load of sh*t. It absolutely doesn't make her truly pathetic. She's going through a hard time right now and I find it very hard to believe that you've never gone above and beyond the call of duty to help out somebody you care unless of course you've never really loved someone. I know I certainly have and it doesn't make me pathetic. She's obviously a very caring person and she's taking way more sh*t than anybody should have to but that doesn't make her pathetic. You can see by the OP response that she does have a lot of other stuff going on.

To the OP - Addiction is a very difficult thing for people to get past. It almost always ruins relationships. Just think of any alcoholics that you know. Are they in happy relationships? I very much doubt it. The unfortunate thing is until he gets help and gets over his addictions he won't be able to maintain a healthy relationship with you or anyone.

Thanks very much for this. I appreciate what youve said a lot. I am crazy about this person and i suppose i didnt see so much how his poker playing was affecting his moods and in turn how he responded or treated me until i spent those 10/11 days solid at his family home with him. With regards the alcoholic thing, my aunty did ask me and told me to answer honestly, who was the love of his life, and yes, the answer was poker. She told me she has a friend who was married to an alcoholic and though they may love you, really love you, they just love what they are addicted to more, and they want you when they want you but when they are occupied by their addiction they dont. It really struck a cord with me and that conversation was only Yesterday. His mother did tell me she has been worried about him for a while and he's quite a selfish person despite the fact that she loves him unconditionally, i guess all addicts are. I think you are very right in what you said, and i really need to think about bringing this up with him in a non-confrontational or judgemental way and try to get him to see how the poker is controlling him, and he hates losing control to other things / people. I wont ever tell him what to do but maybe if i try to open his eyes to how its affecting him he might think on it a bit more himself. Thanks.

LegacyUser

Rojomcdojo wrote: »

Just wondering, does he actually win much at poker seeing as he plays so much? And by that I mean does he show signs (lots of money etc) of someone who wins as much as he might claim he is?

I've rarely come across anyone who could make a good solid living from poker, it takes tremendous skill and more importantly a lot of stamina and from the sounds of his mood swings he probably tilts (loses in a rage) an awful lot of cash away. I've heard lots of stories of people losing their homes etc thanks to online poker, is this something you would like to see in your future? Could you have a mortgage/kids if there was a chance that your husband might lose money for weeks on end - which statistically will happen?

Hi. Yes he does definitely make money. He has lots of it saved, thousands of it. He recently got sponsored to play for a site and he was in the Irish Open so he is good at it. I think he feels he wants to be a Pro and make his living from playing but its far too difficult IMO and i dont think he has the right mind-set to do it every day. HE even says to me that it kills him and its painful and has said things like "what the hell am i doing this for" but after reflecting and calming down he gets back up and plays more. Im pretty sure he will get a proper job in a year and hopefully then he'll have less time to be playing poker.
He would never gamble a house or a tonne of money, ever. I know that for a fact. He is smart and aware what is too much. Hes not a gambler as such, he just loves poker.
Thanks.

LegacyUser

Walls wrote: »

Can you name one good quality he has? I'm not wondering if you should leave him, I'm wondering why on earth you are with him.

Seriously, you're 28 and you're on the sidelines of his life. You get the leftovers when he's not playing poker. The whole situation is so awful I feel dreadful for you.

Yes he has good qualities! He is *incredibly* smart, friendly, well mannered, he's gorgeous in appearance (in my eyes of course), he makes me laugh, we have a lot of the same moral standards, we are both very expressive, we both love each other more than either of us has ever loved anyone else. This is all when he's calm and not tilted and not stressed.
Im understanding more and more from posting here and getting it off my chest and written down that the addiction and the poker is what affects his moods, not because he doesnt care or because hes genuinely an a**hole. HEs not, hes a very good person by nature, just a tiny bit selfish but i can handle that

I wont bother posting any more, i think im going to see if i can get him to be more aware of how the poker is affecting his life and taking up his energy and controlling him, and if i cant all i can do is accept that he has to realise these things himself before anything will change. And i will consider not moving in with him (thought i really want to give that a shot) if he continues to take his moods out on me and fails to deal with them in a better manner. Thanks all, really appreciate all the feedback and advice, this forum has helped me so much

LegacyUser

to be honest i think u should break up with him and find urself a nice man who will spend time with u and not feel the need to play poker for the two weeks u were at his house. if i didnt live with my other half and then had them come stay with me for two weeks id spend every min with them. and him hitting u like that isnt good either,a man hitting a woman isnt acceptable full stop. my ex gave me the odd dig and said it was just out of reaction and after four years of that we had big fight and he battered me one night and tried to use the same excuse... go now before it goes too far,ull miss him but if he's that moody that his mother notices it then ull never change him..... better being on ur own that walking on egg shells all the time.

LegacyUser

myanswer wrote: »

to be honest i think u should break up with him and find urself a nice man who will spend time with u and not feel the need to play poker for the two weeks u were at his house. if i didnt live with my other half and then had them come stay with me for two weeks id spend every min with them. and him hitting u like that isnt good either,a man hitting a woman isnt acceptable full stop. my ex gave me the odd dig and said it was just out of reaction and after four years of that we had big fight and he battered me one night and tried to use the same excuse... go now before it goes too far,ull miss him but if he's that moody that his mother notices it then ull never change him..... better being on ur own that walking on egg shells all the time.

Thanks, i have spent the last few days considering all options and trying to decide if this can be saved, my head is so melted at the moment its not funny.

My family tell me i should leave so i can meet someone better for me, not that hes a bad guy just someone more suited to me, but its SO hard when youre in love with a perosn.

Apart from his behaviour i know and feel within me that my confidence and self esteem has plummeted over the last year, to the point where im feeling that it in itself is a factor in the pro calling this a day side of my inner monologue... I feel im so insecure in this relationship with all the times he goes mad and breaks up with me over tiny tiny things that even if i stay i wont be able to make it better because i feel i need *extra* reassurance and support from him to feel just *ok* or normal again, so i cant behave truely like i feel a girlfriend should. To feel ok and safe in this at the moment i feel like i need to hear "i love you" and "i want you" on a regular basis, just to stop the bad feelings over everything else. Its like what he needs to be more interested or try more is just what i cant do because the feelings of security and confidence in this have been so damaged time and again.

I cant even go to bed, i just have all these things in my head and im trying to come to some conclusion or answer. Im sure in a few days ill know what i should do, i just need time to process everything im realising.

Ill post on here again when ive made a solid decision.

Thanks again everybody, youve all been great Over and out! lol

LegacyUser

I think as with as with any post here it's very difficult to judge from only one person's side of things.

As regards him hitting you on the arm, to be honest it doesn't sound as if it was abuse as such, more like a reflexive defence mechanism. I'm married now but there have been times when I've pushed my husband and he has pushed back but it has never been abuse - he never used his full strength against me and never hit me. Regardless of whether or not you meant to hit him in the crotch, he felt threatened and he hit back - again I'm sure not at full strength as opposed to if he was in a fight against some guy on the street.

The poker and ignoring you in favour of it and other matters, really only you can say how much it affects your relationship. I'm not defending him but you need to look at it from his side too and just look at your future together and see what you both need to compromise if you are to stay together or if its not what you want then reconsider everything.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you either way

LegacyUser

Twosides wrote: »

I think as with as with any post here it's very difficult to judge from only one person's side of things.

As regards him hitting you on the arm, to be honest it doesn't sound as if it was abuse as such, more like a reflexive defence mechanism. I'm married now but there have been times when I've pushed my husband and he has pushed back but it has never been abuse - he never used his full strength against me and never hit me. Regardless of whether or not you meant to hit him in the crotch, he felt threatened and he hit back - again I'm sure not at full strength as opposed to if he was in a fight against some guy on the street.

The poker and ignoring you in favour of it and other matters, really only you can say how much it affects your relationship. I'm not defending him but you need to look at it from his side too and just look at your future together and see what you both need to compromise if you are to stay together or if its not what you want then reconsider everything.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you either way

Thanks, i guess i should reply to this.
I have looked at is from his side loads, as much as i possibly can. Im always supportive as i can be with his poker playing, ive gone to tournaments with him and sat in the side lines while he played and brought him drinks etc. I was there at the Irish Open with him and comforted him as soon as he got knocked out, and i understand the amount of time he wants to put into it hence sitting in his room while he plays trying not to distract him because he says he needs to get a certain amount of hours in etc... I know his social life at home is important to him too so i have gone with him to parties at home and also in various other places so he doesnt miss out on seeing his friends because were together at weekends... Ive already forgiven him and forgave him pretty much straight awat for his anger and frustrations and the hitting me thing saying that i understand the poker puts him under a lot of pressure etc... Ive pretty much done all i can i think, and he does tell me that im a fantastic girlfriend and apologises, not always straight away, but normally after talking when ever he loses his temper at me. I do understand that it takes 2 people and it takes compromising but i have compromised so much, more than he has, over the last year or so. Ill just see how the above posts will pan out and take our relationship from there, Thanks.

LegacyUser

Imagine if u had a daughter and she told u what you have told us,what would u tell her to do? I know u love him and ull miss him like mad and just the company of texting / phone calls but can u not see ur worth more than this. I promise u ull find someone else when ur ready too and they will make u feel like ur the only woman in the world. Dont think for one min that ull be left on the shelf. just think how nice it would be to be able to enjoy and relax in ur relationship,ull never get this with ur boyfriend. And i think moving in together is not goin to solve anything,it will make it harder to walk away.

I hope u realize ur worth more than this, please tell urself that every day.