Advice on a breakup

triny

Hi
My boyf or 3 and a half years last nite broke up with me, saying he simply thought we werent suited any more! Only 2 weeks ago we bought our visas for travelling together later in the year? Hes very much stressed at the moment over work and deadlines, Any friction (1 fight) weve had lately i was puttin towards that!

Hes a very stubborn headstrong person who i very much still love but im obviously very upset by the recent events! I know his last relationship ended badly and since then ive had little titbits from his friends and family saying she was very controlling and a little bit pyscho and that he was so right to get rid off her but he never really mentioned her at all! He starte this relationship sayin to everyone else saying that wud never happen to him again!

I dont think i was in anyways like that, i was never upset where he was goin or with who once he just sent a text sayin that he wudnt be callin over! I dont think that was unreasonable! Thats what last weeks fight was over! i was waitin at home all evening and he never called!

I dont know now was it just becasue of that one fight or was this coming for a long time. I cant understand why he wud get the visa with me and make plans if this is how he was feeling or why he wudnt just talk to me about it!

He said a hundred times last nite that it wasnt my fault that hes just changed but what am i supposed to think here?

sporina

I am sorry to hear about this and I hope that you have lots a support from friends etc. But it sounds like its just over. People tend to consider relationships around the 3 year mark - kind of a make or break time. The fact that ye got visa's bears no meaning - perhaps he was not thinking like this then but now it has come to the surface. But then again i don't know the full story so I could be wrong. But it sounds like it just, over. It will be tough now but if ye are not right for each other and one of you is no happy in the relationship then it is better for both of you if it ends now. That way ye can find some one ye are better suited to.

shoes34

Hi,

This sounds like I could have written it, only we weren’t together as long. He also told me that he loved being in my company, loved everything we did together but just didn’t feel we were compatable. We didn’t fight, we had one argument in the time we were together and our break up came out of the blue for me and he also told me that it came out of the blue for him that he didn’t have a break up in his mind the night it happened.

He too is stubborn and unfortunately for both of us we are still in contact and its not a good thing and I have tired my hardest not too contact him and I would urge you not to get in touch with him, and maybe in a few weeks he will be in touch or maybe he won’t but please be stronger than I have been as I think at the end of the day you are only going to get hurt more.

triny

shoes34 wrote: »

Hi,

He too is stubborn and unfortunately for both of us we are still in contact and its not a good thing and I have tired my hardest not too contact him and I would urge you not to get in touch with him, and maybe in a few weeks he will be in touch or maybe he won’t but please be stronger than I have been as I think at the end of the day you are only going to get hurt more.

I know, so far - about 16 hrs later - i havent given into the urge to cry down the phone to him but i know its only a matter of time! ive a great bunch of friends and family for support but thers still so many questions i havent had answered! I Know theres no point fighting it if hes not happy, but it hurts so much when u dont know what happened or why?

We were planning for the future and had even made mortgage apps together and that so its really hard to see his trail of thought! Ive to just try keep busy and stay the hell away from my phone anytime im alone! Im in work today and have already been cryin in the bathroom about 3 times!

How do i stop that! Im pretty sure im a normal person,if someone else was in my shoes id tell them to cop on and just look to the future but geez thats tough right now!

shoes34

Triny,

I sent you PM hope that's OK - don't worry you are normal person and of course it is natural to cry and be upset.

Shoes34

LegacyUser

Triny ,

Frist of all im so sorry for you . I am going through the exact same thing as you and shoes34 right now and i have to agree , try be strong and stronger than i was ...... my ex spent some time being indecisive and calling me back but at the end of the day he did'nt want me ...but i made that trap for myself . So its important to look out for yourself and to keep busy .

Its very tender right now for you and its hard not to call or email , i did that alot and i don't feel bad about it because at the end of the day Love is love . It is never easy just to quit on the person .

If you are like me you cannot understand how it can go from easy and fun to down right upsetting . Its a horrible feeling .

Eventually , like i am starting to realise now , you will see that you deserve much better.

triny

Boysboysboys wrote: »

Triny ,

Its very tender right now for you and its hard not to call or email , i did that alot and i don't feel bad about it because at the end of the day Love is love . It is never easy just to quit on the person .

It feels exactly what HES doing is quitting on me! How can it be so easy for him and not for me!
It is honestly a shock to me here! I dont think i was walkin around with my head in the clouds or that i know things werent always fantastic, but i cud count the no of fights we had on one hand! Im petrified hes comparing me to his ex and just because she may have treated him badly its like hes standing up to me twice as strong!
Im just stunned. the good times were good and the bad times werent that often!

Unique User Name

Hi Triny. Sorry to hear about this I know its hard. I went through the same thing a few months ago. I had been in contact with my ex via text messages up until recently. Funny thing was she initiated the contact even although she broke up with me. Then I found out that she was seeing a new guy and it completely broke my heart. It was then I realised that I had to cut all contact via text and hide facebook notifications.

I didn't delete her as a friend on fb because I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing that she was of that much significance to me. Ever since though I'm feeling better about it. Been casual dating again and just generally getting myself out there. I can genuinely say thoughts of her with another guy don't even bother me now. Perhaps some of these techniques may work for you?

greenprincess

I'm sorry to your in this situation and feeling so sad. :-( I know right now it doesnt seem like it will get any better but it will.
My sisters bf broke up with her after 7 years saying he didnt love her the same way anymore, 2 weeks later he had a new girlfriend!! But now she has moved on in her life, she has a great boyfriend.
I'm not going to lie to you, you will grieve! But that will pass. Jus look for the light at the end of the tunnel, and some day you'll think wow I havent thought about him for a few weeks, when did that happen!
Also have a friend who is willing to take ur stupid texts! When you want to text him text it to her instead

triny

Green Princess thats a brilliant idea! But how on earth do you convinve a friend to take on that job! I talk complete crap on a good day! How long does it take to get over the initial tears whenever someone mentions him?

greenprincess

Thanks Triny. I came up with it last summer when my boyfriend for (at the time) 2 and a half yrs decided we needed a break. I was convinced it was over so I took it pretty much as a break up. So I asked one of my best friends would she mind 'stupid' texting with me during the day, so when i would go to text my boyfriend about something happening during my day I would send it to her instead and she was really good about it!! Thats not to say I didnt call my boyfriend drunk and crying!!! Which was embarrassing, but bound to happen!
Also and some ppl might think this is mean. But when guys ask you for your number give it to them, even if your not that interested. I mean like dont totally lead them on, but texting different guys is also a great distraction!! I dont know if the whole text thing is such a big issue for you as it was for me, my boyfriend and I text around 50 times a day! Excessive I know but its usually stupid crap.
Try to do lots of things with your friends to, the worst thing is to get caught being bored because that is when you start to think about things too much!! So if your at home alone throw on the tv, altho have of its about love so it doesnt help! Maybe invest in some CSI boxsets!!

Also if there is anything you've always wanted to do but felt you couldnt because of being tied to your boyfriend then go do it now! You should still go travelling. Plenty of people do it alone and you'll meet some fantastic people.

triny

Thanks again, ur talkin alot of sense! We were the same, textin and ringin all day! God bless meteor to meteor freebies! I do still intend on travelling so fingers crossed that all works out for me! Im doin my best to keep busy and so far its been workin out great but my family and friends have been fantastic aswell. im def missin him but its not the torture i expected it to be! Maybe its still a little early!

greenprincess

Thats really good to hear
Seriously tho about the travelling, my sister went to south east asia last yr. In their 2nd wk they meet another girl and she stayed with them till my sister came home.

triny

Just wonderin how long do i leave it before i get in contact with him! Like its only monday since we split and i think im fantastic to have lasted this long but i still wanna keep in touch for a while! Its like my right arm is missing here and its tough to not just send a little text r call to see how the day is going?

I think we should have like a little post split chat - just to clear the air like, not to fight or apologise or anything but to just say how things are!

Unique User Name

Hi again Triny. Hope you're feeling somewhat better now? While I would advise strongly against texting at all I'd be a hypocrite because I did the same thing If you really have to though I don't think you really can put a time frame on it. Please though don't be upset if he doesn't respond favorably or his texts are abrupt. That can be expected and doesn't mean he didn't love you, but people have different ways of moving on. I also completely understand what you and green princess mean about the whole texting thing... months later and I'm still getting used to it!!!!

triny

Im tryin my best not too text yet but like i said its only been a couple of days! I really dont understand how anyone can be expected after 3 and a half years to just cut someone out who has ment that much to them! Like i said we didnt fall out so its not like i hate him now and i dont think he hates me either!

Unique User Name

I know what you mean. It is really hard. I was with my oh for 5 years. She doesn't hate me either but I wouldn't contact her now because I know that it would make things more difficult for her. We had broken up before after about 3 years and when it ended we kept in touch. With all the emotions involved we got back together. Inevitably though the same problems arose as before and we broke up again. I think its important that you don't go down this road and cause yourself even further heartache.

triny

I dont think i would be goin down the same road cause ive been gettin so much advice and help from everyone close to me i dont really think i need to! One thing everyone keeps sayin is - were u expectin it? - and although i didnt think it wud actually come to that i did know there were troubles and i know that i just kept the blinkers on hopin that wed get through it! It sounds crazy but i really wanna be friends cause its just so nuts to stop everything like that!

Faith

triny wrote: »

I dont think i would be goin down the same road cause ive been gettin so much advice and help from everyone close to me i dont really think i need to! One thing everyone keeps sayin is - were u expectin it? - and although i didnt think it wud actually come to that i did know there were troubles and i know that i just kept the blinkers on hopin that wed get through it! It sounds crazy but i really wanna be friends cause its just so nuts to stop everything like that!

I know it's hard. It's been 6 weeks for me, and I still want to contact him all the time. I did stay in touch a bit, we had the odd chit-chat on facebook. But after a month I realised it was stopping me moving on, and I cut him out of my life completely. I bawled crying doing it, but it was definitely the best thing to do.

Let's face it, you don't want to be friends. You want to keep him in your life in the hope that he'll change his mind. And that's perfectly normal, we all do it. The first few weeks are unbelievably tough. You simply can't get your head around it. One minute you're ringing this guy every day, seeing him all the time, touching him, kissing him, laughing with him... and the next minute you're not even allowed to text him. I wouldn't necessarily insist on no-contact from the start. I kind of eased myself into it, and I found it helped, to a point. But what if you ring him and he doesn't answer? Or you text and he doesn't reply? Then you'll feel dreadful, trust me.

I read a post a few weeks back in the Ladies Lounge that's very apt - "If you can be friends with your ex, you either never loved them, or you still love them". Don't make the mistake of thinking you can be friends, or even fúck buddies, and he'll change his mind and come back to you. You'll only prolong the pain and make yourself feel so much worse.

<hugs>

triny

Geez dont hold back there Faith! A fan of tough love are we??? I do know where your comin from and i havent made any contact yet but i know at some stage i will want to and if he doesnt return it well il face that then! Im a strong person and this has just knocked me a bit! I dont think imhandling this break up any diff to any of ye, and i appreciate all the advice but it is my first serious relationship and i dont know what to do?

Faith

triny wrote: »

Geez dont hold back there Faith! A fan of tough love are we??? I do know where your comin from and i havent made any contact yet but i know at some stage i will want to and if he doesnt return it well il face that then! Im a strong person and this has just knocked me a bit! I dont think imhandling this break up any diff to any of ye, and i appreciate all the advice but it is my first serious relationship and i dont know what to do?

I think you might have read my post completely the wrong way. I wasn't trying to be harsh, I was aiming for empathetic. I've just gone through the same thing myself, so I know exactly how you feel.

If you want to call or text him, you will, and nothing in the world will stop you. I'm just highlighting the fact that it will probably make you feel worse, not better. That's how it was for me, anyway.

No matter how strong you are, the first few days/weeks of a break up are dreadful. All you can think about is getting that person back. That thought clouds everything, even if you don't realise it. You want to meet up to discuss things - even if you don't acknowledge it consciously, it's because you're hoping he'll fall to his knees and beg you to come back.

Some people would be very harsh, and would tell you you've no self-esteem and no self-respect if you ever contact him again. They'll say, he dumped you, why would you possibly want him back? I know it's not like that, I know you feel like you'd do anything to get him back right now. And that will pass too, with time.

Not contacting him this far is great. I was on to my ex hours after we broke up, and again the next day . You're doing really well, and everyone posting here is just trying to help you. People will tell you things you're not ready to hear, but it's meant out of compassion.

As for what to do - well, do what you want to, at the end of the day. Just think of all the possible outcomes first. I won't look at my ex's facebook page, no matter how curious I get, because I'm so afraid that I'll see he's met someone new. When I said your ex might not answer your texts/calls, I'm just trying to get you to look at all the possible consequences. But if you feel you really have to contact him, then nothing I or anyone else say will stop you.

Unique User Name

I agree with Faith. If you don't want to remove him from your friends list on fb then hide his posts and avoid all temptation to look at his page. Unfortunately whether its your first, second, third, fourth relationship ending it doesn't get any easier..... Jeez 4 relationships ended at age 25 maybe it is me

I found what helped me was going out to absolutely every party I was invited to. It meant a lot of mid week hangovers in work but hey it was worth it. I'm glad to hear you have good people around you helping you too thats always good. Bestof luck to you and everyone else reading this that was recently heartbroken.

triny

i know everyone is tryin to help and thank god they are cause i def wud have cracked already without ye! This forum is fantastic with the advice ive been gettin form ppl, its so much easier to chat to strangers and sorry for pickin it up wrong! I really do appreciate hearin how everyone else copes with this stuff! wudnt fancy goin through it much though!

ShagNastii

I'll echo everything Faith has said. Don't contact him. It'll be really nice to talk especially as it seems there wasn't anything belatantly wrong. It seems very matual. I'd say the whole travelling together would have been a gigantic step and the timing wasn't right.

I'd say everything the man said may sound blunt or stupid and basically stupid but there is no doubt it is killing him to do what he had to do. I got the whole "I don't love you as I should line"- It is SH*TE- but I understand what my exs feeling were.

If you have the chat, text or call. Everything will seems like old times. The love you had/have will still be there. But that chat has to finish. I was a weak as f*ck when I was in your position. I was grand after the break up tried to keep a brave face and I was optimist and forward thinking. I then met my ex many times and as I said it was like old times, everything seemed perfect but it wasn't. It set me back a million steps.

triny

Well il just try keep the head up for awhile and not text yet. Its very easy to say that but il try that text buddy and see how it goes! My friends have really been good! But thers still some others comi up to me sayin, sure itl only be a short term thing, wait and see youl be back together in no time! Not exactly what i want or need to be hearing but here everyone is much more honest! Can admit to what they did and how it helpd or not?

Unique User Name

Good for you I'm delighted to hear that you're being so strong. You deserve a lot of credit for that because it's not easy!!! Grrrr that used to really annoy me too when people would say oh you'll get back together in a few weeks, its not over forever bla bla bla. Ignore them and keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great

Faith

triny, literally just take it one hour at a time. Just tell yourself "I won't text him this hour" and keep doing that, if that's what you need.

If he's going to come back to you, he'll do it regardless of whether or not you text him. Or alternatively, write out the text and save it to your drafts. If, in 24 hours, you still think it's a good idea to send it, then do.

You're doing great!

LegacyUser

Triny you are doing so well ....you should be proud of yourself!

When my ex dumped me it was a few months after i moved to the US so we can be together . We both worked really hard and i felt it was such a waste , i obviously moved for something mroe substantial then 6 months and to be honest right now i am really mad with him because he just dumped me and had a 'deal with attitude ' toward me . If you constantly call and text you will continue to hurt more ...again noone can stop you but the pain is just not worth it . Everything Faith says is true .

Good luck to you and i hope you are doing okay no one can tell you how to deal with this but you are doing a million times better than i did ! x

triny

Im having a bad day today! think realisation just hit in! Help?

Denimgirl

triny wrote: »

Im having a bad day today! think realisation just hit in! Help?

give yourself a time frame to contacting him,say to yourself if i feel the same this day next week i will pop him a text,you will text him at some stage or he'll text you nothing ends clean cut either way!!relationships are great when going well but so **** when things like this happens we have all been there and have and we all have felt the same feelings as your feelin now it's **** feeling!what i advise you to do is love yourself i always find in these circumstances to become more vain lol,it does help!when you look good you feel good!the most important person in your life is you!

triny

Ok Now im stunned! He sent an email this morn, just a funny one - break the ice like! only i replied and i asked could i ring him just for a chat, that i was hard just cuttin off like that! and he said he felt the same and did i wanna go for dinner instead? I said no but that id pop out just for a chat? Im not gettin excited but am very nervous now! Could we be friends? before today i thought hell no cause he wudnt be, but now hes after sayin that he misses the chats too?

Faith

Honestly triny, it's not worth it, trying to be friends. By all means meet him for a chat with an open mind, but think very, very carefully about what you want if he says he just wants to be friends (or worse, friends with benefits). How would you feel if you meet him for a drink and he tells you about a new girl he's seeing? Being friends can only work when you're over the person. When you're still in love with him, you'll only hurt yourself.

I hope he tells you what you want to hear, but if he doesn't, you have to remember to look out for yourself. Why should he get what he wants (you as a friend) when you don't get what you want (him as a boyfriend)? Do you really, genuinely want to be his friend, if that means he's just like any other friend? No sexual contact at all?

triny

Faith wrote: »

How would you feel if you meet him for a drink and he tells you about a new girl he's seeing? Being friends can only work when you're over the person. When you're still in love with him, you'll only hurt yourself.

Why should he get what he wants (you as a friend) when you don't get what you want (him as a boyfriend)? Do you really, genuinely want to be his friend, if that means he's just like any other friend? No sexual contact at all?

No Your dead right, i dont want that at all! But I do want to be able to call him every now and again and just talk! Nothing serious about any new relationships or stuff like that but you know, to just say ' oh man such a bad day at work today!' he was always a great listener and gave me great advice so i suppose thats what i still want,

See over the last few years, every single prob ive had, ive gone to him with. He was my best friend! Even up to last week he was lookin out for me, when obviously his feelings had changed but he still cudnt see me without!

I know you think im being ridiculous here by saying yes to seeing him and asking cud i ring but today is the worst day yet and its the day he chose to get in touch! im weak!

triny

sunflower27 wrote: »

ETA - Even the fact he got in touch first... be realistic, it'sprobably more down to him feeling guilty about hurting you not that he's obviously having second thoughts. He's broken your heart. It's not something anyone does on a whim.

I dont think he feels guilty, i think hes in the exact same boat as me! Hes knows its over and that it had to end, and fair play he had the ####s to do it, but its just hard to completely let go!

I know were not gettin back together and everyones saying the 'friends' thing doesnt work,, well fair enough but i just need to wean off him! Im not sayin il be in touch all the time! that would annoy me, but i need to know that i can contact him, not like everyday or even once a week, but every now and again!

Does anyone get that?

Denimgirl

triny wrote: »

I dont think he feels guilty, i think hes in the exact same boat as me! Hes knows its over and that it had to end, and fair play he had the ####s to do it, but its just hard to completely let go!

I know were not gettin back together and everyones saying the 'friends' thing doesnt work,, well fair enough but i just need to wean off him! Im not sayin il be in touch all the time! that would annoy me, but i need to know that i can contact him, not like everyday or even once a week, but every now and again!

Does anyone get that?

i know what you by wanting to contact him,maybe just text convos though nothing to heavy.lets see what he has to say first as you've only broken up 3 or 4 days and now he wants to bring you out to dinner!which is very soon! you look extra hot girl not too much like you made an effort for him and he knows it but let him know what he can't have anymore!!

Faith

triny wrote: »

I know you think im being ridiculous here by saying yes to seeing him and asking cud i ring but today is the worst day yet and its the day he chose to get in touch! im weak!

Sweetheart, I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. I did worse after I was dumped. I thought that starting facebook chats with him might make him realise what a mistake he made! Or I might text him when drunk and say "It's weird knowing we're both out but not going home together" in the hope he'd reply and ask to stay with me. It has to get harder before it gets easier, I'm afraid.

I met my ex last weekend to tell him I was cutting him out of my life (I'd managed to let it be an amicable breakup, so I didn't want to just cut him out out of the blue) and even as I waved him goodbye, one part of me was hoping he'd turn around and change his mind.

triny wrote: »

I know were not gettin back together and everyones saying the 'friends' thing doesnt work,, well fair enough but i just need to wean off him! Im not sayin il be in touch all the time! that would annoy me, but i need to know that i can contact him, not like everyday or even once a week, but every now and again!

Does anyone get that?

Yes, I do. That's why I kept my ex on facebook. I thought that being able to chat to him every few days was helping me. And maybe it even was, to a point. But when it got to the point that I wouldn't log off facebook, just in case he wanted to chat, I knew I was stuck. I knew then it was stopping me moving on, not helping me. But you'll have to get to that point by yourself. If it helps, it's been 6 weeks since we broke up, and I never really get the urge to contact him anymore. Yes, I still miss him and I'm not over him, but the compulsion to call or text is gone. Especially now that I've deleted his number, but it took me 5 weeks to do that.

greenprincess

I know you want to talk to him. But try to give it two or three weeks. When its less 'fresh' your less likely to cry. Also if you are meeting up with him bring a bottle of water so when u feel the lump rising to cry you can take a sip of water and it should help.

Unique User Name

Hi Triny. Just be careful if you do meet up with him. You're probably bound to be playing headgames with yourself now like what if. I know how hard it is so just be very very careful. The more time you spend away from somebody the more likely you are to idealise everything about them.

road_high

Hey OP , really hope you are well and looking after yourself; You are number 1 now.

Just speaking from my own very recent breakup experience I only wish I had just left it the day we broke up, gave him back his key there and then and ran away!!! Would have been far easier on me.
Only recently stopped all contact and honest to god it is the only way. I tried my best to get him back and if anyhting it was far more damaging to my own mentality and well being. As I said YOU are number one now.
I don't want any contact and that "being friends" thing frankly does not work, well not for me anyhow; too many raw feelings and emotions.

It's very hard I know but try focus on the positives.

LegacyUser

well i agree with all the other posters, there is really no other miracle solution then to break contact completely.

I will give you a quick run down on how bad it can get and how much longer it will take to get over him.

In my experience, it has been 16 months since he broke up, not even fights or anythign like that, just timing was bad thats all so he broke up. we were madly in love and we both knew we were just born at the wrongn time for each other so after he had the courage to break up we were silence for fe weeks but then contact started and when on for 6 months! i promsie you i was sayign the same then you, we were best mates and we talked all the time, chemistry was mad so of course i wanted to stay in touch and thought, we can be friends of course we can!!...NOT!!!

We discussed not to talk bout dating or personal things but he woudl start asking if i was seeing someone and how much he missed me and loved me and how he was confused....
i went on with it where the red flags where on for me to run as fast as possible cos at the end of the day...HE BROKE UP!!!

So at the end of the 6 months one night i gave in, he came over as he wanted ot talk with me, we did, he said when he broke up he panic, that he wanted me in his life but more than friends...trust me...an ex that wants to meet to chat or whatever means one thing...either to get you into bed or probably wants you back but the next day or the next week the rreason why you broke up will emerge again...he there he will goes...and thats what happened to me.....im one of many by reading all the posts here!

Liek i said its been over a year and i am still thinking bout him everyday, its hard as hell still and i only blame me for it cos i should of known better or listen people around me that told me many times...stop contact, be strong...i think i would of end up in contact with him or see him but at least it would of past in my head and whatever you say to yourself that you would be fine being friends deep down you are not honest with yourself...no one is in that situation cos really honestly if he was to say i made a mistake im so sorry i want you back you would jump to it in a heartbeat.

So if you go ahead with meeting him or keep talking with him know that you are entering the heatbreaking danger zone, its a fresh wound that is likely to bleed more the more you are in contact.

I wish you all the best and dont follow my footsteps!!

Hugs

LegacyUser

Seriously this thread is AMAZING for advice!

It has finally made me realise that i am not the only girl who has a broken heart these days !! I felt so down in myself and now realise after 2 months of being apart from him that , like you all said , cutting contact IS the best thing to do . I was twisting all his words and convincing myself he wanted me back .... when he did'nt ....

Im now booking flights to London so i can have a week of fun with friends ... it time to start thinking positively!

Good luck hon , please look after number one ! Life may seem miserable now , but it can get good again.... different , but good !

Thank you everyone 'coz you helped me a lot too xxxx

G-Money

First of all, I haven't read this entire thread but I've read the OP's original post and seen a few of the replies. Sorry to hear that it ended OP, that's a bummer. It's never nice when a relationship ends and you really like the person but unfortunately that's the way of the world. I perhaps wouldn't read too much into the whole visa thing. He may have been having doubts then too but if the visa's were free or didn't cost much money, I'm sure he was probably thinking if the worst came to the worst, it wouldn't matter too much that you'd had applied for them or whatever. As someone else said, it could have been on his mind for a while and perhaps something happened that made him decide to end it. None of us know OP, so we can only hazard a guess.

I've seen some of the replies and I think you were planning on meeting up with him? I'm not sure why but I'd only advise doing so if you really have to and have no other option. If he suggests the friends thing, only say yes if you genuinely are ok with just being friends. That means being ok and having no problem with not spending the night with him, or kissing him and having no problem with him hooking up with some other girl. If any of those things make you uncomfortable or feel sick, then you're not ready to be friends.

I've said countless times before that I really don't buy into this let's just be friends lark when what you want is more than that. I mean, why do your needs come 2nd? The fact is, they don't. Also, it's not fair of the person who ended it to guilt or pressure the other person into being friends and sort of pass it off or gloss it over as it being the "mature" thing to do. You wouldn't pressure someone into a relationship, so why is it ok to pressure someone into a friendship? It's not.

There's nothing smart about willingly lying down and tying yourself to the emotional train tracks to be run over repeatedly.

A year or two ago there was a girl that I liked who I wanted to get over. I won't go into the details but the end result was that I was pretty upset over it and I needed to get past her. I asked for a short period of no contact but she never really stuck to that, she'd text or email me after a few days or a week. I eventually said I couldn't do the friends thing and thankfully, she then left me alone and it's been well over a year now since I last heard from her. To make it more effective, I created a new email address and deleted the old one so she'd no way of emailing me. I also closed my Facebook account, mostly for my own benefit as I didn't want to be tempted to check her page or see some status update about her off with some other guy (which she was anyway at the time). I also came within a few seconds of changing my number but I didn't do that in the end. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have my number anymore and I deleted her's, along with all emails she sent, her email address and anything that reminded me off her (songs, pictures, anything and everything).

If you genuinely want to get past him, you probably will need to go with the no contact option. I don't necessarily think you need to go have a big elaborate face to face discussion with him about it either. Basically just say, you want no contact and that's it. He's ended it so why do you need to meet up again? You don't, and you don't owe him anything.

I sometimes think people throw out this "if they respected me, they'd do it face to face" thing. While sometimes you have to do that, a lot of the times I think it's completely unnecessary, especially once the break up happens. Unless you've money or personal belongings to exchange and there's no other way to do it other than face to face, there really is no reason to meet up again. If anything, it's a case where you're hoping they might realise they've made a mistake and come running back. I don't think that ever happens to be honest so why make things more difficult for yourself by meeting up again?

Anyway OP, here's to a speedy recovery.

LegacyUser

All good advice for dealing with the very difficult times in the aftermath of a break-up from the perspective of the person who was dumped.

I just want to add my voice to the "no contact" advice. I stuck to that for months in my case. When I thought I was ready to handle it, I finally gave in. Bad move. That one lapse threw back my recovery by months. And for whose benefit was the meeting? The ex's. I dont intend to make that mistake again.

road_high

clahom wrote: »

All good advice for dealing with the very difficult times in the aftermath of a break-up from the perspective of the person who was dumped.

I just want to add my voice to the "no contact" advice. I stuck to that for months in my case. When I thought I was ready to handle it, I finally gave in. Bad move. That one lapse threw back my recovery by months. And for whose benefit was the meeting? The ex's. I dont intend to make that mistake again.

Exacxtly the way i felt. You would be analysing everything they said for "signs". Madness really, any contact just sets you back completely.

triny

You know when every single person on this thread says the same thing, there might just be somit behind it! ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Why is life so so crap!:eek:

ShagNastii

Huh?

Should we ask what he AAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH is about?

Faith

triny, did you meet him for the chat?

Unique User Name

Hope everythings ok Triny. I know what its like to have the headwreck. It's been months for me now and then yesterday I get a message out of the blue and I'm going through it again!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH is right!!!!

LegacyUser

sigh ... oh noes .

Well its easy to SAY not to keep contact , the challenge is to actually do that !

m@cc@

triny wrote: »

We were planning for the future and had even made mortgage apps together and that so its really hard to see his trail of thought! Ive to just try keep busy and stay the hell away from my phone anytime im alone! Im in work today and have already been cryin in the bathroom about 3 times!

Just in regards to this. Future plans mean little in regards to a break up. I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years a couple of months ago. We had big plans for whenever we returned from Oz but in reality she was in denial about what it was she really wanted from our relationship and life in general. I'd hazard a guess that the same is the case here. It can be shattering knowing that the hopes and dreams you had for the future are suddenly gone, but believe me, time will help.

triny wrote: »

It feels exactly what HES doing is quitting on me! How can it be so easy for him and not for me!

Because it's his decision and it's what he wants. Also, there's also the possibility that he is putting on an act in order to help you make the break from him.

triny

We met, he was a completely broken man! Wants to get back together but i said we both needed some time to see what was happening with us, he seemed to think he was the injured party here and i said straight out that HE had to think about us, about where he saw this goin and did he think we had a future! Im not going through that last week again! Unless there is a future for us then wed be as well off to just let each other go!