What should i tell my daughter?

lucolady

Hi, 1st time poster here but long time visitor. Im just looking for advice really...I have a 6 year old daughter and she has never known her dad. We weren't together long when i got pregnant and he couldn't handle it so he left. He changed his number and moved away. I tried to get in touch with him for about a year after i had her but no luck. But he got in touch with me a few weeks ago. He wants to be a part of her life now. Im really happy about this as i know every child deserves to know where they came from. I met him last week and we had a very long talk and we have arranged to meet again this weekend but for me to bring her with me as he wants to see her.The only problem i have is that he wants me to tell her who she is going to meet and that for her to know straight off that he is her dad and i don't want to do this. I know she will not be able to handle this and she is the type of child who has to warm to people. As far as she is concerned she has a dad (my dad) she knows he is not her real dad and that he is her grandad but he is dad to her. He is adamant that she know who he is straight away as he thinks this would be best for her...i totally disagree. I have never even discussed her dad with her and i think she should get to know him a little bit before i tell her who he is. Does any one have any suggestions as to what i could tell her? I am really at a loss..Thanks

Bart Roberts

Im in no way qualified to give advice (i've no kids) but she is your child and you know her better than anyone which makes me think if you disagree with it then don't tell her.

He's in no position to be demanding things now. Just my opinion.

Best of luck with it.

Quazzie

Its all fine for him to come in at this stage and want to be a part of the childs life, and its a good thing for him to do it. Trying to take the best of the situation at hand your daughter could develop a stron relationship with her father and thats a good thing, and its brave of you to accommodate that.

On the other hand if he realises after meeting your daughter once that he can't handle it again then it could leave your daughter with some deep issues that might not resurface till later in life. If she is told that this man is her father then the 'meeting' goes bad and he runs she could be left with abandonment issues and feel rejected.

Taken both sides into consideration I'd side with you and not tell her, but I'm only a stranger on the internet and the only person that can answer the question is you because you know your daughter better than anyone and you have the responsibiltiy to look after her wellbeing.

Best of luck with whatever route you take, and I hope that its works out for the best with your daughter realising that she has all that she needs with or without him.

Lorry22

Its all well and good him coming in telling you what to do but he doesn't even know your daughter. You know what kind of personality she has to handle this and who is to say he won't come back before doing a legger and leaving her left disappointed after you explain all the details.

Sleepy

Is there anything you could do / watch / read with your daughter that might prompt some "who/ where is my daddy?" questions?

Raedwald

I was that child and I was brought to meet him a couple of times before my mother told me who he was. They were in the same situation and young and only together a short time.

Only knew him a short time parents relationship broke down and havent seen him in over ten years now.

It should be your decision and yours alone, you are the one who has raised your daughter he cannot just walk back into your lives and demand stuff.

dlofnep

He is in no position to make demands. You're right.

messrs

dont have kids myself but i dont think she should know straight away who he is - dont mean to sound bad but he ran of once, whats to say he wont do it again, its not fair to your daughter - i would suggest a few meetings, see how the get on and then after a while when you know for sure if he is serious about sticking around the broach the subject with her
he walked out on you so he is in no position to be demanding anything
just one thing to be careful of - if you dont tell your daughter who he is, just be careful he wont do it himself when ye meet up

lucolady

messrs wrote: »

- dont mean to sound bad but he ran of once, whats to say he wont do it again, its not fair to your daughter

Thats what i am worried about, like he wants me to tell her on sat morning before we head off, yeah she might take it well and be ok with it but then whats to say he won't disappear again?? He says he won't and that he has regretted doing it the first time every single day but it is something that is on the back of my mind. I think im going to tell him that he is just going to meet her and i am going to tell her that his name is xx and that he is a friend and see how they get on. I know that after she meets him a few times she will click with him, thats just the type of child she is, she gets on with everyone.

taz70

So he walked out on you when you were pregnant because he couldn't "handle it". I guess it was lucky for him that he had that option. You, on the other hand, were obliged to look after your daughter, raise her well and presumably pay for everything (I'm assuming he's paid no child support - I don't think you said either way in your post).

Personally, I think people have to EARN the right to be a parent and that if I was in that situation, it would take many more meetings between him and I before I would be comfortable allowing my daughter to even meet him. I mean, if he's so damn keen, then he'll be willing to do what it takes and put in some solid and reliable "face time" with you first.

OP, don't be bullied into a quick meeting - and certainly don't give out any personal details, such as where you live or where she goes to school. I'd be vetting this person in a lot more detail before allowing him to enter my child's life. As others have said, you have no idea what his real motivations are and jeez, if he couldn't "handle" things last time, what happens when it all becomes too much now.

And others will probably disagree with me on this, but honestly, I'd be assessing his desire to become a real part of your child's life by raising the issue of child support now - why should he have access without taking financial responsibility. I'm only saying this as a friend of mine was in a very similar situation, and she too was delighted that the father wanted to be part of her children's lives - but when she indicated that he would need to take some responsibility (and she wasn't asking for what he owes, only moving forward), he hightailed it like no tomorrow. But that's her experience and yours may be very different.

In the end, trust your gut instinct and make sure you really trust him before allowing him to meet your daughter. Best wishes.

di11on

Tricky one OP...

I know someone whose dad has made no efforts to keep in touch with them and it's hurtful. Your daughter knowing that her real dad isn't in the picture and wondering why he doesn't want to be part of her life is quite hurtful to begin with. 6 year olds are smart. She sees other kids and their mom's and dads, so I think she would be aware of this hole.

On the face of it, it seems like a good thing to me that he wants to reconnect and be a part of her life. It's reprehensible what he did, but if he is genuine now, this is a good thin in my opinion.

Now the tricky part, if you let him into her life and he pi$$es off again, or just blows in and out, this will be very damaging and hurtful for your daughter and you are right, as her mother, to want to protect her from this.

This has to be balanced by the fact that your daughter must be wondering where her dad is and why he isn't trying to make contact and this in itself must be hurtful.

I get the impression that she's been told she is meeting someone but doesn't know his signficance. I'm guessing she's not stupid and gathers by now that there's something significant about this person.

I think it would be disengenous if you let this go ahead to not tell her who she's meeting. I don't think that would be fair on either party.

It must be impressed on the father how high the stakes are here. They're enormous. If he starts this, he has to follow through. He's abdicated once. This is his second and last chance to rectify things. The damage rejection from a parent can do is enormous.

In the end of the day, if he abdicates a second time, it would be better that she never saw him. If he doesn't and if he follows through, it will be a great thing. Unfortunately for you, the ball is in your court and it's your call. Weigh things up carefully. Honestly, grill the dad... interview him... be dead sure he knows the stakes. Take your time. Don't rush.

I so hope it works out for your little girl. She is precious and deserves a loving dad.

merryhappy

Hi OP,

I think it's a really bad idea for you to take our daughter to see her Dad on Saturday regardelss of whether she knows it's him she's going to see or not. I don't think it would be fair on her to rush into it like that. Her dad is being very selfish about it by the sound of things.

Start talking about him over the next few weeks, maybe dig out some old photographs of you and him before she was born, tell her about the GOOD times you had together. If you get a positive response from this then I would approach the possibility of meeting him.

You will know by her reaction straight away if she is comfortable with the thought of meeting him or not. If she does decide that she wants to meet him then it shoudl be on her terms. I know she is only six but this is a major moment in her life which will hopefully develop into a lifelong relationship.

I had a similar situation with my dad except I was nine when he showed up, my mam explained everything to me: why they broke up etc. I was very angry and my mam helped me to deal with that. I decided i didn't want to meet him, that I didn't need him in my life, I was happy with the way things were.

Fast forward on ten years to the present day and I met him foe the first time two weeks ago. We have been emailing for two years and his wife had a new baby a few months ago, that's what pushed me to meet him as I really wanted to be part of my sisters life. Anyway the meeting went really well and I have no regrets about leaving it until now to meet him.

I was given the information, allowed to ask any questions and they were always answered honestly, I was free to make my own decisions and I was allowed to take my time and that I did!

Best of luck, your daughter is lucky to have a mother concerned enough to come on here and look for advice!:)

smelltheglove

I think the above is great advise! I have a brother who hasnt seen his dad in 8yrs, since he was 4. Its only the last few years that he has been asking questions and has decided he wants to meet him in the next year or so, mind getting his dad to confirm is another thing!

This is a huge step for your daughter so make sure you think it through and do whats right. This guy just turning up and making demands all of a sudden is obviously very shocking but if he is serious about wanting to build a relationship with his daughter then he has waited 6 years, whats another 2 weeks?

Give him some pics of her, tell him about her, tell him you will speak to her over the next week or two and start introducing the idea to her and let him know developments and then, since he has no right to make demands, you demand that she does not know he is her father until you can trust that hes going nowehere, that if he was to walk away and break her heart it would be you that would have to deal with it and he can either like it or lump it. Also I would talk maintenance with him too!

Klingon Hamlet

He ran off and left you to pick up the pieces. You've spent 6 years raising your little girl without his help. You're a very good mum for even allowing him to reunite with his little daughter. But he is wrong to expect you to introduce him to her as her dad, after what he's done.

Your daughter is obviously very shy (I was too when I was young) so even just meeting a stranger will be a tiny bit difficult. Saying, Hi heres your daddy after all this time, will be huge for her. Too much for the first time. And like other posters warned, he could revert to his olld ways and scarper off again...then what?

No I think you should put it to him that yes they can meet, but no mention of "daddy". Introduce him as a friend or even an uncle maybe (other posters may disagree) but not as her father. Give her time to warm to him, and give him time to settle into his role...if he sticks around, then do tell her.

Again as a single dad can I just congratulate you on having the heart to allow him see her? He was terrible for deserting you like that. Fair play to you:)

lucolady

Thanks for all the replies they have been so helpful as i don't have anyone impartial to talk to on this. all my friends and family are being very negative towards the whole situation as they were around when i fell to pieces when he disappeared. we have brought up the money situation and he has said he will help so ill just have to take his word on it. i just feel like he is puttin a lot of pressure on me to tell her and i worried now that if i say no he will tell her himself when they do meet. i don't think he really gets the fact that she is just a child.

Klingon Hamlet

lucolady wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies they have been so helpful as i don't have anyone impartial to talk to on this. all my friends and family are being very negative towards the whole situation as they were around when i fell to pieces when he disappeared. we have brought up the money situation and he has said he will help so ill just have to take his word on it. i just feel like he is puttin a lot of pressure on me to tell her and i worried now that if i say no he will tell her himself when they do meet. i don't think he really gets the fact that she is just a child.

Wait...he didn't even give you any money?!?! Jesus

lucolady

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

Wait...he didn't even give you any money?!?! Jesus

Nope not a penny. in fact last week was the first time i had seen him since i was 8 months pregnant.

Deliverance

lucolady wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies they have been so helpful as i don't have anyone impartial to talk to on this. all my friends and family are being very negative towards the whole situation as they were around when i fell to pieces when he disappeared. we have brought up the money situation and he has said he will help so ill just have to take his word on it. i just feel like he is puttin a lot of pressure on me to tell her and i worried now that if i say no he will tell her himself when they do meet. i don't think he really gets the fact that she is just a child.

I think that the advice so far has been good.

My input is that it is you that should be putting pressure on him not the other way around. The way I look at it is that you are at a negotiating stage. You have the leverage based on his apparent 'need' by him to be seen as the father.

If this is really the case i.e. He is willing to be a decent 'Father' in your child's life and not just play a bit part then he will need to do a few things first to prove himself to you.

1. He should set up an account which pays regular money towards his child. Possibly into an account set up purely for the child. I have one for mine. Be aware though that this point could be be seen as an aggressive move and may cause an initial conflict. It could be best left till last.

2. He should show some respect by not putting you under pressure to do the reveal so early. What he is doing at the moment in my view is disrespectful to you, put your foot down on this.

3.He should Listen to you talk / rant about the sleepless nights, the trips to the doctor with the coughs and the possible allergies, the holding of their little hands when they got big needles stuck into their little arms etc etc. You know the drill.

4.This might be a bit sneaky, but bring photos to the first proposed meeting, don't bring the daughter. Show the 'dad' the photos of how happy she is? Make a point at how unhappy she could be if he just left her after meeting him. Let him keep the photos to have something to think about.

5. Give him some time to digest all of the above. The pics will make him think a lot. A couple of weeks at least in my opinion. Should give time for some serious thought and realisation. Plus possibly patience on your own part as well?

Most importantly keep in mind the fact that you are as much a part of this as the child is, you deserve respect, financial back up and proper support from the potential 'dad'. It is not just about the child it is about you as well, you guys come as a package for good or bad.

Make him realise as much as you can and make him see that being involved in a child's life is a huge responsibility. Drive that point home and give the father time to think about that.

If he sticks around after all that then maybe, just maybe, he could have changed and could be worthy to have a meeting with his daughter as your friend. Go for coffee in public places and have conversations about stuff, go for walks together in parks etc, see how they get on and see how he interacts with her. Small steps, all under your control.

Eventually, if he sticks around long enough and has proved himself. Then and only then have the chat with yourself the 'dad' and the child in a suggestive way i.e. suggest to the child "would you like it if Mr x was your dad?". If they have bonded in their time together then it would be a lovely transition and a nice experience overall. You will know when the time is right in all this.

I am a seperated dad by the way so that is where I am coming from in this perspective wise;) I think that the dad in this case has to learn that respect has to be earned, it is hard work. Best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

I know that maintenance and access are seen as two separate issues legally but to be honest he should be offering backdated child support for the last six years as an indication of his seriousness.

OP you mentioned that you will "have to take his word for it" about future child support... that's really not good enough, is it? I think if he is trying to convince you that he is ready to actually BE a dad - and not just see her for a while, get bored and move on to the next novelty in his life - he needs to show you concrete evidence of a stable life that will allow him to take on the responsibilities that come with being a dad.

What is his plan, basically, once he is eventually allowed to meet her? Does he live nearby, does he have a job/income, will his extended family be introduced too, does he have room for her to stay with him (eventually), what does he want to tell her about why he disappeared in the first place?

The most important thing that he needs to realise is that she is a person, with her own personality, and you are the one who knows that personality best, so if you say it's too much for her right now, he HAS to respect that. He has a hell of a lot of making up to do before he starts imposing his ideas on her.

How about showing him this thread? It is supportive in the sense nearly everyone agrees that his coming back, however late, is a positive thing, but he needs to realise that it is the child's emotional life that's at stake. Just because he's decided it's the right time in his personal calendar to reappear, doesn't mean it's the right time in her development.

ztoical

OP I haven't been there but my best friend has and I've seen what a mess this can turn into. Like yourself she had a guy leave before their son was born, she got in touch after the birth to send him a photo and let him know the weight, sex etc...the reply back was to never contact him again as he was now living in the uk with some new GF and wanted nothing to do with her or son. She opted to leave him be and not go after child support from him. 5 years later and back he comes looking to be a daddy, thought he could just walk into the role with no prep or anything. She bent over backwards for him despite her family and myself telling her not to. Always meet when and where suited him etc went on for 6 months then he took off again...saying 'it was all just too much' It both her and her son along time to get over it...not sure honestly if they really are. Your child is at an age where they can't have people just coming and going from their lives when it suits them. Your ex sounds like he wants to be a daddy but doesn't know what that means. He needs to play catch up which means doing things at your speed and under your rules. Your better introducing them in a very social setting like a playground with lots of her friends there. Let him say hi and he can then watch her play and get to know her. Telling her where going to meet your daddy then putting her one on one with him is just going to put too much pressure on her.

evolutionqy7

lucolady wrote: »

Hi, 1st time poster here but long time visitor. Im just looking for advice really...I have a 6 year old daughter and she has never known her dad. We weren't together long when i got pregnant and he couldn't handle it so he left. He changed his number and moved away. I tried to get in touch with him for about a year after i had her but no luck. But he got in touch with me a few weeks ago. He wants to be a part of her life now. Im really happy about this as i know every child deserves to know where they came from. I met him last week and we had a very long talk and we have arranged to meet again this weekend but for me to bring her with me as he wants to see her.The only problem i have is that he wants me to tell her who she is going to meet and that for her to know straight off that he is her dad and i don't want to do this. I know she will not be able to handle this and she is the type of child who has to warm to people. As far as she is concerned she has a dad (my dad) she knows he is not her real dad and that he is her grandad but he is dad to her. He is adamant that she know who he is straight away as he thinks this would be best for her...i totally disagree. I have never even discussed her dad with her and i think she should get to know him a little bit before i tell her who he is. Does any one have any suggestions as to what i could tell her? I am really at a loss..Thanks

id tell him to go **** himself! last time i seen my dad was when i was around 5 maybe smaller (he left my mum when i was around 1 maybe a bit older as far as i was told...haven't heard one word from him since (now 19) if he would try to contact me wanting to meet up and be a part of my life id would tell him to go **** himself sideways!

eth0_

This guy has some nerve. How can you be sure he won't disappear again after you've introduced him to your daughter and told her he's her daddy? That could do all kinds of emotional damage to her.

Keep him hanging for a while and then when you're sure of his intentions let him meet her but don't tell her he's her dad until he's met her at least a few times.

Oh and of course, now he's decided he wants to be involved in her life, he won't mind paying you child support!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I think it is great that you have a positive attitude towards this and are willing to put the hurts of the past behind you. There are many kids who have happy endings to these exact scenarios where dad (or mom) grows up a bit, realizes they are no taking responsibility and they come back into the picture and form strong, stable relationships with their kids. There is no guarantee of this but it does happen quite a bit.

Assuming he has the best of intentions, he has had a lot of time to plan and prepare for this moment and he may have pictures and ideas in his head he's being dreaming about - him as dad and how wonderful that will be. That may be why he is so keen on his daughter knowing he is dad, he wants to get started being a dad. The reality is you and your daughter have had no time to prepare for this and he doesn't know your daughter and what she is like at all. He may not have even been around kids much and not really have any idea where a 6 yr old is developmentally. He may also only have anticipated a wonderful, happy reunion and not thought about her reaction or what this is like for her.

I would say take it slow, if you are feeling pressured, then it is going to fast. Just tell him you are feeling pressured and want a bit more time to get to know him again a bit before you bring him into her life as dad (or even meet him). Tell him if this isn't done with a lot of planning and everyone feeling comfortable then there is great potential it could all go wrong and the relationship he wants won't happen. Tell him it is important he can see he can be patient as he is going to have to be patient with a child. You should both have input into planning his entry into her life but he has to understand that you get final say on any decisions or plan.

I think as to whether or not you tell your daughter is your choice not his. And if you get the impression he is going to tell her regardless then don't meet so soon and that will give you time to introduce to her the idea of a dad and the idea of a dad in her life before she meets him.

All the best...hope it works out for your daughter.

Deliverance

evolutionqy7 wrote: »

id tell him to go **** himself! last time i seen my dad was when i was around 5 maybe smaller (he left my mum when i was around 1 maybe a bit older as far as i was told...haven't heard one word from him since (now 19) if he would try to contact me wanting to meet up and be a part of my life id would tell him to go **** himself sideways!

Interesting point of view and a very valid response for your age and experience. I can understand why you have this point of view. I think I can understand it in a non patronising way based on my own experience which is v.similar to yours.

My own Dad has passed on at this stage 'I think', and there is some regret on my part for not doing more to contact him. Plus when he did 'attempt' to contact me he was not at his best to say the least. He broke lots of promises as such.

Sometimes I get angry as well even now! Even more so after becoming a parent and realising what a parent is all about.

Yet I still regret never having the oppurtunity to like or dislike him via a meeting. My fault and his fault was a combination which eventually led to us never meeting.

There is a lot of empty space that can be filled by meeting your absent parent for good or bad in my opinion. Circumstances such as maturity, fear, addiction etc are all possible. No person in my view sees their future as a bad parent when you think about it.

smelltheglove

Deliverance wrote: »

Interesting point of view and a very valid response for your age and experience. I can understand why you have this point of view. I think I can understand it in a non patronising way based on my own experience which is v.similar to yours.

My own Dad has passed on at this stage 'I think', and there is some regret on my part for not doing more to contact him. Plus when he did 'attempt' to contact me he was not at his best to say the least. He broke lots of promises as such.

Sometimes I get angry as well even now! Even more so after becoming a parent and realising what a parent is all about.

Yet I still regret never having the oppurtunity to like or dislike him via a meeting. My fault and his fault was a combination which eventually led to us never meeting.

There is a lot of empty space that can be filled by meeting your absent parent for good or bad in my opinion. Circumstances such as maturity, fear, addiction etc are all possible. No person in my view sees their future as a bad parent when you think about it.

I have a great dad but can sympathise with you as my step siblings would be similar to you. Their attitude to their father was very similar to evolution and really only changed around the time of the wedding of the elder of the two and first grandchild. At the same time there seems to still be the reluctance to contact etc on their part, I wouldnt know a huge deal about it but I know they would refer more to my dad as their dad, they may not call him dad but refer to him amongst friends and with introductions as their dad and he is grandad to the kids.

I can also sympathise in a sense with the op, my brother has not seen his dad in a long time but does want to meet him now and I do have a very big fear of him feeling let down if he meets him and his father is not interested or if he doesnt maintain contact. (I have such a complicated family life:rolleyes:)

Its a huge issue op and really I think you have received great advice here in this thread, in my opinion its the only way to go, your rules not his, introduce as a friend and let the relationship and trust build before being introduced as a father.

evolutionqy7

Deliverance wrote: »

Interesting point of view and a very valid response for your age and experience. I can understand why you have this point of view. I think I can understand it in a non patronising way based on my own experience which is v.similar to yours.

My own Dad has passed on at this stage 'I think', and there is some regret on my part for not doing more to contact him. Plus when he did 'attempt' to contact me he was not at his best to say the least. He broke lots of promises as such.

Sometimes I get angry as well even now! Even more so after becoming a parent and realising what a parent is all about.

Yet I still regret never having the opportunity to like or dislike him via a meeting. My fault and his fault was a combination which eventually led to us never meeting.

There is a lot of empty space that can be filled by meeting your absent parent for good or bad in my opinion. Circumstances such as maturity, fear, addiction etc are all possible. No person in my view sees their future as a bad parent when you think about it.

well this **** seems to run in out family lol. he took off when i was still in dippers and never even paid child support (currently i have issued a legal warrant for his arrest to bring him to court and compensate all of that, but the bastard fled the country)... my mum never knew her dad either...I only remember that my great grand mother and father sticked to it till the end...my mother doesnt regret that she didnt knew her father! he left her mother with 3 kids 2 age 3 and other 5...i mean my grand mother had to go through some tough ****...and if she didnt i prob wouldn't be writing this right now. but i know that i learn from this bastard and i wont be doing the same thing with my kids if i ever had any cause i know how hard it is for a single mother to bring up a child on her own!

OP personally i think you shouldn't let her meet him or mention him till she had aged more (better safe than sorry, if something goes wrong and he takes off she can be traumatised) for now what she doesn't know wont hurt her, I'm sure she would be able to understand that when she is older and not as fragile...if he is really genuine about wanting to be a part of her life he can wait to gain your respect back and when you know your daughter is ready and mature enough to understand why all of this is has taken off in the first place i think then you should bring them together! meanwhile he can pay the child support at least

Deliverance

evolutionqy7 wrote: »

well this **** seems to run in out family lol. he took off when i was still in dippers and never even paid child support (currently i have issued a legal warrant for his arrest to bring him to court and compensate all of that, but the bastard fled the country)... my mum never knew her dad either...I only remember that my great grand mother and father sticked to it till the end...my mother doesnt regret that she didnt knew her father! he left her mother with 3 kids 2 age 3 and other 5...i mean my grand mother had to go through some tough ****...and if she didnt i prob wouldn't be writing this right now. but i know that i learn from this bastard and i wont be doing the same thing with my kids if i ever had any cause i know how hard it is for a single mother to bring up a child on her own!

OP personally i think you shouldn't let her meet him or mention him till she had aged more (better safe than sorry, if something goes wrong and he takes off she can be traumatised) for now what she doesn't know wont hurt her, I'm sure she would be able to understand that when she is older and not as fragile...if he is really genuine about wanting to be a part of her life he can wait to gain your respect back and when you know your daughter is ready and mature enough to understand why all of this is has taken off in the first place i think then you should bring them together! meanwhile he can pay the child support at least

Kudos on the highlighted point above. I learned the same thing I think. I always look at that as a positive point. I, like yourself, look at my own child in this respect. I will never let my child down and she always comes first, I will always keep my promises to her. I will always tell her how much I love her and I will always tell her how proud I am of her. Above all I let her know 'without saying it', that I will always be there for her, every step of the way.

Would I do this as much and take it for granted if I didn't have the same negative experiences that I had in my own life as a son of an absent father? I really do not know (I believe I would). One thing I do know is: I was made to be a parent, I absolutely love it. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I intend to make the most of it for good or bad.

Absent dads that did a runner are possibly intrinsically weak characters. If they attempt to come back after all the hard work has been done... then the OP needs to really think hard about the character that they chose to have a child with via the excellent and informative responses given by folks with experience on this thread.

evolutionqy7

Deliverance wrote: »

Absent dads that did a runner are possibly intrinsically weak characters. If they attempt to come back after all the hard work has been done... then the OP needs to really think hard about the character that they chose to have a child with via the excellent and informative responses given by folks with experience on this thread.

i actually asked my mum this the other day did she ever miss her dad in a way that she never knew what it was like like to have one and the balls of the family being a woman...when she was pregnant with me and in med school her mum never told her about her dad dying from cancer. she told two of her brothers and they refused to see him or forgive him for abandoning every one. at the end she said that a a man would run without looking back...and he would only come back when at a later stage in his life he is either depressed or sick or either gone to the point that he's lonely and looking for some one! and hey it does make sense!

Klingon Hamlet

There's alot of posts here stating that he'll do another runner. I don't know the guy and I despise any man that would run away. I'm a single dad and I've faced unbelievable odds to see my son again. I cannot fathom how a guy could run off like the OP's ex did.

However...

He's willing to be a dad now. I do not condone his past actions. And I would not speak for the innocent daughter who was left behind. But OP I would urge you to consider the possibility that this guy who acted so selfishly and immaturely could possibly have grown into a possibly decent and responsible father. Please give him a chance to know her. Over time. Slowly. Let him show that he means to improve as a dad. If he means what he says, then, talk to him about finances, and responsibilities, and then, introduce him as her dad. Til that moment, take things slowly.:)

evolutionqy7

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

There's alot of posts here stating that he'll do another runner. I don't know the guy and I despise any man that would run away. I'm a single dad and I've faced unbelievable odds to see my son again. I cannot fathom how a guy could run off like the OP's ex did.

However...

He's willing to be a dad now. I do not condone his past actions. And I would not speak for the innocent daughter who was left behind. But OP I would urge you to consider the possibility that this guy who acted so selfishly and immaturely could possibly have grown into a possibly decent and responsible father. Please give him a chance to know her. Over time. Slowly. Let him show that he means to improve as a dad. If he means what he says, then, talk to him about finances, and responsibilities, and then, introduce him as her dad. Til that moment, take things slowly.:)

this is a text book scenario...we all know it doesn't work that way in real life
I think the best way is too delay him...if he sticks around for long maybe hes genuine about wanting to be there...

antodeco

I think you need to ask yourself, if her knowing her father is better than her not? Does she ever ask about him? A father is important to a child, but, if he wasnt interested before, than does he deserve to be her father. A father is much more than just being the man who helped conceived the child. A father is someone who cares for their child, is in their life, and wants to be a part of that childs future. I think you need to step back and see what good/bad can come of it, if you tell her. From there you should have a better idea.

Speaking from a personal level, I dont see how "fathers" dont want anything to do with their child. I broke up with my partner four years ago, when my daughter was 2. I have taken her every weekend since then. The bond I have with her is fantastic, and I would hate to think what either of our lives would be, without each other in it.

we'llallhavetea_old

hey op, haven't read the thread in its entirety, just want to echo the other posters and say that you know best. no way would i introduce him as her "dad", he hasn't been her "dad" EVER! he has absolutely no right to such and important title.

i would be very cautious, take things very slowly.

lucolady

Thanks so much for all the replies, i found all the advice so helpful. So i have decided that i am not going to let him pressure me into tell my daughter who he is. We have had a long long talk about it and he seems to see things from my point of view now. So again just want to say thanks to all for advice.

Quazzie

lucolady wrote: »

Thanks so much for all the replies, i found all the advice so helpful. So i have decided that i am not going to let him pressure me into tell my daughter who he is. We have had a long long talk about it and he seems to see things from my point of view now. So again just want to say thanks to all for advice.

Its good to see a positive aftermath of some advice given on this forum. I hope all works out ok for you and your daughter, and I hope that the father does form a long lasting bond with your daughter too.

Deliverance

lucolady wrote: »

Thanks so much for all the replies, i found all the advice so helpful. So i have decided that i am not going to let him pressure me into tell my daughter who he is. We have had a long long talk about it and he seems to see things from my point of view now. So again just want to say thanks to all for advice.

That is good to hear lucolady. Thanks for coming back and letting us / me know how your are getting on. I hope it all works out well for you, the dad and the child. I hope you find time in the future to let us know how your are progressing with the issue. A happy ending would be refreshing to say the least;)

metrovelvet

I havent read the whole thread but I disagree with the majority. I think NOT to tell her is a lie and a dangerous one. Even if he is a flight risk at least she knows what he looks like. Sitting there wondering has got to be the worst.

Amazotheamazing

I'm usually espousing the father's rights in such a scenario but this guy is way out of line, imo. You know your kid, he doesn't. His opinion is fine in theory but you know the reality of your child. It's good to see he's starting to agree with you but I'd be very cautious of how to proceed.

That being said, it's good that she's still young enough to build a proper father daughter relationship. Good Luck.

we'llallhavetea_old

metrovelvet wrote: »

I havent read the whole thread but I disagree with the majority. I think NOT to tell her is a lie and a dangerous one. Even if he is a flight risk at least she knows what he looks like. Sitting there wondering has got to be the worst.

if he does run away again, she will feel abandoned. she doesn't need to know at this young age, of course when she is older her mam can tell her who "the man" she met actually was.

cynder

Hindsight is a great thing, but at the present time any decision that is made could easily come back and bite you in the butt.


But i would also agree that you not let him pressure you.

Quazzie

metrovelvet wrote: »

I havent read the whole thread but I disagree with the majority.

How can that sentence be true. If you didn't read the thread how do you know which is the majority.

The Op knowing the child, and the father better than anyone should follow her gut instinct. She knows what both are capable of, and she has made a choice. A choice I agree with and hope it works out well for her. The child is just 6 years of age so while she might be asking questions of her past at her age, its unlikely she'll be fully able to understand the complexity of what is going on, so why answer her question with an answer that will make her more confused. If (hopefully when) the father sticks around then the child will in a much better position to accept the man as her father.

cynder

Did i say i didnt agree.


I didnt make any comment on what i think she should do.

Im just saying hindsight is a great thing and that things can come back an bite you on the bum.

There are pros and cons to telling and not telling.

Who knows, tomorrow one of them might die, maybe the father will run away again next week or in 10 years , maybe he will turn out to be a great dad (very possible).

Its very easy to tell a child - im taking you to see your father, he has been away for a few years and has never met you, would you like to meet him? there is a possibility he has to go away again.

Thats what happened with my eldest brother when he met his dad when he was 7 and we moved 3 years later and they kept in contact on and off, when my brother got married both sets of parents were there at the top table, all happy. even the wedding photos her parents and my brothers 2 sets of parents . Children are very resilient.

I think it could be more of a shock getting to know someone and a year later told thats your daddy. again children are resilient.

Im not going to condem any elses opinion because it may differ from mine, im not right all the time. I think in fact the best person to ask would be a child psychologist.

I do however wish her the best and hope all turns out fine.

Jinxi

I think that you have to consider this from your daughters position. This could be the only time that the dad wants to see her. YOu have to assume this is true as he has a history of bailing when things get too much.
So what if in years to come WHEN she asks about her dad and you have to say," remember that guy we went to see in a McDonalds"....!

She is going to be hurt that not only did yot discuss this in the years before he surfaced, but that you didn't give her the chance to ask him any questions because she didn't know who it was.

Even at 6 she will have thought about it. She knows what dads are. Why she hasn't felt comfortable enought to talk to you might be a question you should mull over.

You have no obligations to this man, but you do have obligations to your daughter. She has a right to know the truth. The only outcome of you talking to her about it can be a positive one, where the trust and communicative relationship you have with her will be reinforced.

If the relationship continues after the first meeting, you have to believe that your daughter is strong enough to be able to handle it. It sounds like you have a good male role model in your father, so at least all the eggs are no tin his basket, so to speak.

All the finacial stuff is secondary to the possibiltiy that your daugher may have a relatioship with her dad. Some day he will have to answer to her about that.

Deliverance

metrovelvet wrote: »

I havent read the whole thread but I disagree with the majority. I think NOT to tell her is a lie and a dangerous one. Even if he is a flight risk at least she knows what he looks like. Sitting there wondering has got to be the worst.

That is a different perspective worth considering for sure metro. It certainly threw me a bit and made me think a bit more. However I do think that you should read the thread through. Purely and only because you said that you had not done so.

I'm no psychological child expert for sure. But I do have experience in all quarters of this thread i.e. a child with an absent dad whom I briefly met at one time. He let me down lots of times. He made promises which he broke.

The strange thing is that I remember every single promise that he broke, every single one. My mom gave him access to me at the time and he had every oppurtunity to become a part of my life.

Sadly the only striking thing that I remember about him is the broken promises. I vividly remember waiting and expecting him to show up, I waited for hyped up promises of birthday presents etc that never materialised.

He phoned me later in life for a meet up. Broke that promise again due to being sober I guess. A life of broken promises, that is how I remember him.

That is my memory of my dad. A man who left and broke promises. Pretty simple really. I think that a dad that shows interest in the OPs sense is a step in the right direction. But it has to be heavily supervised by the parent.

Metro you are right in some respects. But in my experience I think that the advise that has been given so far in the whole thread has been most excellent.

lucolady

I thought id just give you all an update as to what has been happening...so i brought her to meet him but i introducted him to her as just my friend. It went very well and they got on great. After the meeting everything was going well for a week or so and then he asked for a DNA test, which was no problem to me at all as i knew the answer but he wanted it so that was fine. He is now back to putting alot of pressure on me to tell her about him as he wants to tell his girlfriend and son about her...(the son is older and from a previous relationship). He wants her to know about him before he tells everyone about her....which i have told him is ridiclous...if thats the case then when we do meet up we cant go anywhere in case we are seen. I have put my foot down and told him that under no circumstances will i be telling my daughter about him until she is ready for it and until she knows him...He cant seem to get his head around this and wont even have a conversation about it as he just thinks im wrong!! and to top it all of i have asked him what he is going to tell his family about her and he is going to tell them that i never told him i was pregnant and that i hid it from him!! I was so shocked at this that i couldn't even respond to it..But i know that if any of them says anything to me about it i will be telling them the correct version of events..Sorry if that comes across as mean but i am just so angry right now and i need to rant...sorry

metrovelvet

I can understand your fear and reluctance to withhold this information and want to protect your daughter. But to lie to a child about his or her parentage will come to bite both you and the child one day. You are playing a very dangerous game.

And while I sympathise with Deliverance's very poignant memories of a series of disappointments, and this maybe the case with your ex too, but this is a HUGE lie.

Dont let him pressure you but I would not take any steps firther in the relationship unless she knows who he is.

Obviously he is untrustworthy, but I think you need to separate your identifying him from his access to your daughter. In other words tell her who he is but do not allow flitting in and out. Insist on consistency and demand it from him.

dlofnep

lucolady wrote: »

I thought id just give you all an update as to what has been happening...so i brought her to meet him but i introducted him to her as just my friend. It went very well and they got on great. After the meeting everything was going well for a week or so and then he asked for a DNA test, which was no problem to me at all as i knew the answer but he wanted it so that was fine. He is now back to putting alot of pressure on me to tell her about him as he wants to tell his girlfriend and son about her...(the son is older and from a previous relationship). He wants her to know about him before he tells everyone about her....which i have told him is ridiclous...if thats the case then when we do meet up we cant go anywhere in case we are seen. I have put my foot down and told him that under no circumstances will i be telling my daughter about him until she is ready for it and until she knows him...He cant seem to get his head around this and wont even have a conversation about it as he just thinks im wrong!! and to top it all of i have asked him what he is going to tell his family about her and he is going to tell them that i never told him i was pregnant and that i hid it from him!! I was so shocked at this that i couldn't even respond to it..But i know that if any of them says anything to me about it i will be telling them the correct version of events..Sorry if that comes across as mean but i am just so angry right now and i need to rant...sorry

He sounds like a right prick. What an awful thing to tell his family. Your right to put your foot down to be honest.

oohlala

lucolady wrote: »

I thought id just give you all an update as to what has been happening...so i brought her to meet him but i introducted him to her as just my friend. It went very well and they got on great. After the meeting everything was going well for a week or so and then he asked for a DNA test, which was no problem to me at all as i knew the answer but he wanted it so that was fine. He is now back to putting alot of pressure on me to tell her about him as he wants to tell his girlfriend and son about her...(the son is older and from a previous relationship). He wants her to know about him before he tells everyone about her....which i have told him is ridiclous...if thats the case then when we do meet up we cant go anywhere in case we are seen. I have put my foot down and told him that under no circumstances will i be telling my daughter about him until she is ready for it and until she knows him...He cant seem to get his head around this and wont even have a conversation about it as he just thinks im wrong!! and to top it all of i have asked him what he is going to tell his family about her and he is going to tell them that i never told him i was pregnant and that i hid it from him!! I was so shocked at this that i couldn't even respond to it..But i know that if any of them says anything to me about it i will be telling them the correct version of events..Sorry if that comes across as mean but i am just so angry right now and i need to rant...sorry

No offense, but this sounds like he hasn't changed a bit.

After all he has put you through, abandoning you while you were pregnant and cutting off contact and never supporting you financially or otherwise, now instead of owning up to it and trying to make amends (which is what he would do if he were truly regretful and sorry) he is LYING to make you out to be the bad person to all of his family- who don't forget are your daughteers family too. Your daughter deserves to have the correct relationship with the other family and not have it clouded over by this ridiculous mans cowardice.

If i were in your position i would agree to dna and arrange a maintenace agreement for the same day. I would insist he tells the truth about your daughter to all of his family and insist that while you have raised your daughter he barely knows her for two weeks so you know whats best and thats what you will be doing.

Don't forget op if he tells his family these lies then someday your daughter will hear about it and that could do her a lot of harm. If this man loved your daughter and wanted to put her first he wouldn't even be comtemplating telling all these lies because he's too much of a coward to tell the truth.

Best of luck-really!!!

Mothman

One thing I've learned from my own kids who are 8 and 4 year old (and from issues when I was child) is that I need to be truthful, upfront and express my own feelings to them all the time. Despite what I think are their tenders years they have a huge capacity to deal with matters as they are but boy have I been bitten bad when I've tried to cover up.

I didn't see this thread at the beginning but I echo metrovelvets sentiments.

Lucolady, I also urge you to keeping standing up for what you feel is right and when/if the time is right let your daughter know that is what you were doing.

metrovelvet

OP - He is lying to his family and you are lying to yours. WHile his lie may help him save face and he is trying to cover up his irresponsibility on your withholding the info that you were pregnant,which will make you look bad, your lie is more dangerous because you are going to compromise the trust your daughter has in you. YOu are her only carer. She has to trust someone absolutely. Every child needs at least ONE of that in their life and you are it. If you continue lying to her about the identity of this man, she will never ever trust you again. And she deserves to have someone in her life she can trust.

And has her primary carer, you are the paradigm for all her future relationships, with men, women, everyone. You dont want her walking into that with trust issues right? A father who abandoned her and a mother who lies to her?

talkin

i agree that you shouldnt lie to your daughter. if a little girl cant trust her mom who can she trust. it'l be the lies that'l hurt her most.

cats.life

he has no rights to your little girl, im so happy that you didnt tell her who he is. 8 year old are so sencitive to what they are told or see, i can remember when my cousin way older than me pointed an empty gun at me telling me that he was going to shoot me, he was of course messing with me , he had just come in the house from hunting rabbits he had empty gun open. i havent forgotten that ,i thought for sure he was going to do it , i ran out the house. going back to you op when i read your first post on this i knew how it was going to go, glad you didnt tell YOUR little who he was and still dont tell her . he may have being there making her but a dad dont run out on his daughter now he is back going to lie bout her, you have come along way with just you and daughter ,dont throw away 8 yrs of your life cos of this yolk who call,s himself dad. he is a pure ass.