Annoying girl at college

LegacyUser

This isn't the hugest problem ever but it's stressing me out. I'm student and get on fairly well with most of my classmates, but there is this one girl I really can't stand. I really try to be nice to everyone and I've given her a chance, but she's so incredibly annoying and I can't get away from her because she's in all my classes.

She really seems to dislike me, for no apparent reason. She insinuates that I moan/complain a lot, which I really don't. I just have no problem giving my true opinion, positive or negative. For example, if we're in the cafe and my drink is cold or tastes awful, I'll mention it briefly, like anyone would, and then she'll start going on about how I'm so negative and how many people in the world would be grateful for a cold cup of coffee. Once I got this veggie sandwich and it was really rotten tasting, just wasn't very fresh or nice, and she said that it 'takes a while to get used to new flavours', as if I was a 5 year old child who lived on fish fingers and chips. My boyfriend is a chef, I am a very good cook and I eat all sorts of things, primarily vegetarian and this girl is acting like I have no idea what salad tastes like?! She contradicts everything I say, even if it wasn't negative at all. If I tell someone that such an area is very Polish, she'll say no, she's never seen a Pole there, everyone is Pakistani. If I say such a supermarket is cheap, she'll say no, it's a rip off, Supermarket X is way cheaper. If I say I find one of our courses hard to follow, she'll say no, it's very clear and easy if you pay attention (she usually gets a non-subtle dig at me in there, usually implying I'm lazy, stupid or uncultured). It's hard to explain on here, but it's not normal conversation, it's always her implying that I'm wrong and she's right, like a little child would do. I feel like if I said the sky was blue, she'd tell me I was wrong.

She's also a total know-it-all, and like most of them, knows next to nothing. I have several medical conditions, which I never, ever go on about but they come up time to time as I go to the hospital quite a bit and have to follow a special diet etc. Once during lunch, she noticed I wasn't eating bread and asked why. I told her I had this condition (it's very well known, not some obscure thing) and she basically acted like I was being silly and told me that I should drink mint tea and chew my food properly. As if a million doctors and scientists were wrong, and I just had to chew my food properly (which I do anyway, takes me ages to eat a meal)! Also the other day I mentioned wanting to avoid a certain area of town at night as I didn't feel safe, and she started saying I was paranoid and silly and that it was fine. I said 'didn't you hear about the three rapes last week' and she hadn't heard anything. She is ignorant about most things, she doesn't seem to read the papers or watch the news or have the general knowledge most people at university have. She thinks if she doesn't know about something, then it doesn't exist. That would be fine, if she didn't act like she knew better than everyone else.

Another thing which seems to bother her is my ambition. I've always done well at school and college, got a first in my undergrad and am now doing well at my taught Masters. I am quite disappointed if I get a bad grade and that seems to bother her. She keeps saying 'but at this level, even a 50 is good'. I don't get what she means by 'at this level'. We ARE at Masters level, we're not secondary school kids trying to do a Masters. We SHOULD be able to do well if we're able, which I am. I don't give a toss what anyone else gets, but I am aiming for a distinction - if someone's worth doing, it's worth doing well, IMO. She seems so bothered by this, and other people who get good grades/aim high. She said the other day 'you and X really annoy me, always trying to get firsts'. What the hell does it have to do with her? She might be happy with a 53 but I sure as hell am not. Why would I be when I know I can do much better? I worked for 2 years to save up the money for this course, I'm not going to get mediocre grades on purpose.

How can I deal with her? Honestly, I have been SO close to telling her to go f**k herself several times in the last week, but then I'd come across as a loon and she'd probably delight in winding me up, since she apparently is trying to do that. Ignoring her means she is free to go on being rude to me in front of all our classmates. Arguing with her is futile, because she thinks she's right about everything. What do I do?

fasty

Just ignore her. She won't be the last annoying person you come across in your life. Who gives a **** what she says or does?

JonathanAnon

Why do you spend time around her.. Just go to class and get a seat far away from her. And dont go where she goes when class is over. In generall it's a good idea not to surround yourself with people who make you feel negatively about yourself.

Agricola

You say you're all at masters level but you sound like you're all in secondary school together!

Unless you're in the unfortunate position of being stuck doing a year long project with her, then you dont really have a problem do you. Just avoid her. If for whatever reason that doesnt work, then just come out with it in a civilised manner. Air your grievances and let her know the score. If she has any grey matter rolling around between her ears she'll either cop on or steer clear of you. So job done.

You'll look back and laugh about this in the future. I dropped out of one course after a year and then went onto get a degree in another course. In those 5 years I came across a couple of right screwballs too. They used to drive me mad. I dont even remember their names now tbh!

cafecolour

Are you the only two in the MA program together? Minimize your time with her outside class, don't sit next to her when eating, etc. She probably rubs everyone the wrong way.

LegacyUser

That's the thing, I feel like it IS secondary school when she's around. I'm a mature person and so are the rest of my classmates, but she behaves like a teenager. Honestly, if 'just ignoring her' was an option, I wouldn't be posting here. This has been going on since September and I've just had enough. I know people are being facetious asking if we're the only two on the MA, but actually that's not far wrong. We're the only two doing our combination of modules, and one of those is an external one at a different college, so I'm stuck with her virtually all the time. Whenever we do have a group project, we're always in the same group. I have tried the 'ignoring' tactic, but if I sit right at the back in the corner, she'll come in and sit next to me. If I go to lunch on my own, she seems to know where I am and she'll come and join me. I never see meet up with her outside class and luckily she never goes to the pub because she doesn't drink, but I see her all the time in college.

I am used to dealing with people, I worked abroad every summer in France (not an easy place to work for a lone Irish girl), have been working in offices with the associated office politics since I did my undergraduate degree, so it's not like I'm a silly naive teenager. I've never met anyone with such capacity to annoy, and with so few social skills. She doesn't pick up on peoples' feelings or thoughts at all. She doesn't get when someone doesn't like her, or when someone is fed up with her. She went to the course director and asked him to look at some past papers she'd done and for advice about the exams - this is really just not done! It's a Masters, not primary school. She proudly announced that she'd spent three hours in his office, and I can picture her sitting there wittering on, oblivious to the fact that the man is very busy and office hour is meant for urgent queries, not someone asking to be spoonfed for three hours. He was obviously so annoyed by that that he sent around an e-mail asking people not to see him about exams, as he'd organise some group revision classes after the Easter break. This was obviously all down to this girl, yet she's totally oblivious. I was beside her when she opened the e-mail and she said 'oh I'm glad I got to see him in time!' So she cannot take a hint, and ignoring her doesn't work at all.

kmick

The difference between school and college is that in school you meet a lot of people who are annoying but who are as dumb as a pile of rocks. In college unfortunately you meet people who are annoying but who should know better. Its good training for life - at some point in your career one of these people could be your boss. You need to be able to tune it out. Its just noise.

One question - why do you spend so much time with her?

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

That is a classic case of her being passive aggressive, it ticks all the boxes, it's kinda funny how clear cut it is. Passive aggressive is a type of abuse, it's much harder to deal with than ordinary aggression because it's done passively so it's very hard to deal with and to battle against. Google passive aggressive behaviour and how to deal with it. I've read up on it and it's really quite straight forward to deal with. Don't be letting it stress you out, the reason you're her target is because she's jealous of you and the only way she can feel better is by making you feel bad, so don't let her do that, just laugh quietly at everything she says, she'll back off so quick it's make your head spin. Just remember that with people like this they have MASSIVE insecurities, use that to get her to **** off. Like when she says oh you're always trying to get first, blah, blah, the best way to deal with that is to say "you know, if you're having trouble I could help you, is it too hard for you?", in other words implying that she's not as smart as you, it'll drive her ****ing nuts. You'll find that a few answers like that and she'll steer well clear of you. With regards commenting on everything you say again just laugh when she comes out with something stupid, it'll kick her in the insecurities. I've found that the above is the only way to deal with passive aggressive people. Once you've read up on it it'll be much easier to brush off and not get irritated because once you read up on it you'll realise just how pathetic she actually is.

Just remember she's bugging you coz she's jealous of you and wants to bring you down, don't let her.

Best of luck

Ann22

A few people have asked the op why she spends so much time with this person. It's very difficult to avoid a person if they have friends in common. What do you do? Avoid the people you want to spend time with to avoid one pain in the a*se?

Op I can imagine how aggravating this girl is..God! I'd go silly! I think the way I'd deal with it would be for example if I made a comment about something and she contradicted I'd turn my head and totally pretend I didn't hear her and start chatting to someone else about something...the first thing that'd come into my head like 'oh your hair's nice today'.

Likely she'll be watching you waiting for a reaction but don't give her one. You know the way sometimes if you speak at a table of people and no one hears you? You feel a bit silly...with a bit of luck she will.
And fair play to you wanting to do your best.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies, yes she is totally passive aggressive! It's so infuriating as its not obvious to everyone else, so I'd look like a total b*tch if I said anything! I think she must have some crazy complex as she explains things to me as if I'm a complete idiot (even though I'm the one who has a First class degree from a very prestigious college, which I'm not sure she knows about because I don't boast). For example, I asked her what she was putting under the 'methodology' heading on a Powerpoint slide and she starts explaining what methodology IS, using the example of getting from point A to point B by car, so the car was her 'methodology'.....I was just thinking 'shut the f**k up!' Like, does she actually think I'm that thick or is doing this all on purpose?

I don't think my Irish self deprecating/modest attitude helps either. Like most Irish people, I'd play down how well I could do something, especially if someone else was struggling, I'd say 'ah yeah, I had that problem, but in the end I tried X', even though I never had any such issue, and I just wanted to make the other person feel better and help them out without being condescending. In Ireland, both parties understand this - the person being helped knows you know perfectly well how to do it but they don't acknowledge the fact, so neither person comes off feeling stupid or rude. But this girl (she's not Irish) just takes that to mean I genuinely don't know how to do something, as she would NEVER make herself look 'worse' than she had to, she'd always be ready to boast and gloat about how much better she is. She also takes everything at face value so if I said I thought such a lecture was difficult, just making an observation, she'd start trying to explain it to me. She doesn't get the difference, which is so crystal clear in Ireland, between an observation and a complaint or a request for help. So now I end up trying to change how I act as well, when the only person who has any issue with understanding me is her!

forestfruits

its stressing me just reading it- she would drive me nuts-- Avoid Avoid Avoid!! Or go the passive agressive route and play on her insecurities and see what happens Id say her head will explode with frustration!! It may actually be quite entertaining!!

Ickle Magoo

If you can't ignore her and you don't want to fall out with her, why don't you try just being honest? She might not even be aware of how annoying she is or she may see you as an easy target because you don't react. Next time she says something annoying why don't you tell her what you are thinking, firmly but politely and leave her company, she'll soon cop on.

Best of luck.

Communicationb

She says you moan alot...well I am not surprised after reading that.

University students who think they are the world's leading experts on everything at the age of 22..yeah yeah seen this before.

Grow up...the both of you.

LegacyUser

Communicationb wrote: »

She says you moan alot...well I am not surprised after reading that.

University students who think they are the world's leading experts on everything at the age of 22..yeah yeah seen this before.

Grow up...the both of you.

Yeah, God forbid I have a moan about a girl who's been bugging me every day for the last 7 months. I have never ever complained about her to anyone else because I don't want to be mean or divide the class. I'm going through a lot of personal stress and worry and perhaps I'm just sick of a silly immature woman picking on me day after day.

And I see we have yet another person who assumes all students are under 22 and have never been out of education. I didn't start my undergrad until I was 21 as I had to save for the tuition/living expenses myself by working menial jobs in a factory, I took a year out during my degree to work with children in India and I then worked for 2 1/2 years after the undergrad before I started the Masters. When I was studying, I worked part time the entire time, so I never been the sort of sheltered student who doesn't live in the real world. I've never claimed to know it all, but I know I'm intelligent, hardworking and most definitely not naive or lacking in social skills. The girl who is passive aggressive all the time is 25 and married, she's hardly a baby either (even though she acts like one most of the time). I AM grown up, thanks, so I don't need to be told to grow up.

Ann22

Communicationb wrote: »

She says you moan alot...well I am not surprised after reading that.

University students who think they are the world's leading experts on everything at the age of 22..yeah yeah seen this before.

Grow up...the both of you.

So you don't think the op has a reason to moan?? It's very easy to come in and tell her to grow up but what do you expect her to do? It's a very stressful situation to be in. It's grand that there is a forum like this one where people can come on and offload without doing anyone any harm. It's not very helpful or kind to be so cutting.

Nevyn

Ann22

Communicationb 's post was dealt with and was infracted, please do not comment on it further as it's not helpful to the op.

Ann22

Thaedydal wrote: »

Ann22

Communicationb 's post was dealt with and was infracted, please do not comment on it further as it's not helpful to the op.

Ok Thaedyal, I didn't know. I felt sorry for the op. Sorry.

Magenta

OP I understand how difficult the situation you are describing is.
I know the type of person you are talking about, the ones who always have to get a sly dig in.
One thing I'll say is that you have described her and your situation in a lot of detail so she may recognise herself from this thread- could be a bad thing or maybe it will finally shut her up

Gyalist

In your first post you said "I just have no problem giving my true opinion, positive or negative" then later,

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't think my Irish self deprecating/modest attitude helps either. Like most Irish people, I'd play down how well I could do something, especially if someone else was struggling, I'd say 'ah yeah, I had that problem, but in the end I tried X', even though I never had any such issue, and I just wanted to make the other person feel better and help them out without being condescending.

It seems to me that you are dealing with someone who does not understand the way that you communicate. She isn't Irish so she shouldn't be expected to read between the lines in the way a fellow Irish student would. You'll have to learn to speak clearly and firmly, but not aggressively, to her. If she says or does something that annoys you or that you disagree with, let her know right away. You'll feel better for having done so even if she doesn't change her behaviour.

Magenta

OP, by any chance is she North American?

Gyalist

Gyalist wrote: »

In your first post you said "I just have no problem giving my true opinion, positive or negative" then later,

That's not a contradiction, though. Big difference between saying what you think generally and trying to spare peoples' feelings and not come across as a boaster. I really like that Irish people are prepared to put themselves down to stop someone else looking stupid. It's something I really miss about Ireland now I don't live there. It is a big cultural thing though. In some countries, people just don't do that. They just wouldn't put themselves down to spare someone else's embarrassment. The Irish are tremendously self deprecating, much more so than the British. I've found that people from other countries just don't get this, they don't understand why you wouldn't be boasting about the amazing grade you got or the prize you won instead of saying 'ah, I did alright'. If someone asks how well you speak a language and you say 'ah I'm not bad', they'll take that literally and assume you're rubbish, because they'd be playing up their ability for all it was worth. Yes, some might call it false modesty, but when you've grown up in Ireland, it's so hard to 'blow your own trumpet' without feeling like an absolute idiot. So I totally identify with that point.

It seems to me that you are dealing with someone who does not understand the way that you communicate. She isn't Irish so she shouldn't be expected to read between the lines in the way a fellow Irish student would.

I agree with this. Sometimes you just have to spell it out. Say 'actually, I did understand, thanks, no need to explain'. Cut her off when she starts talking.

LizT

OP, if you really cannot avoid her just try to give yourself a little break from her. e.g. At lunch if she follows you just tell her you're not feeling very social and would prefer to be by yourself for a few minutes.

I know how you feel, there's a girl on my course who just rubs me up the wrong way and follows me everywhere. It's tempting to turn around and tell her to do one but it wouldn't achieve anything.

moviesrme

Sounds like you are like me. Anything to avoid confrontation. Yet you obsess about it endlessly. Face her down. Pull her aside sometime and tell her how you feel. It seems like your only option as avoiding her is out.

Some of the problem may be her not being Irish. For example in my experience Germans are very literal and subtle Irish idioms go over their heads (You need to have bee raised here or whatever).

psomers

Cannot help - Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars...:) BUT there is clear and practical advise been given above. Ignore her and comment on someone’s hair in the opposite direction. DO NOT let her upset her, and after practicing turning the cheek the other way for a few days, it will become natural to turn away from those who annoy you. DO NOT take her feelings into account, nor waste your time associating with her (unless you are going to bring her down a peg or two). Bear in mind that those people are always there in business life as well, and you do have to learn how to deal with them. PERSONNALLY, I walk away, or call a spade a spade ie. Did I ask for a dummy’s guide to the basic’s (Smile – laugh)?? – What are you talking about (smile – laugh) we are talking about the details not the basic theory, we are not in 1st year.... (always smile).

The detail is in the message – If she annoys you that much – just tell her to piss off and to stay out of you face, explain if she does not understand the concept of conversation in the English language that maybe you could help find her a night course in comprehension.

In the words of a Wiseman “Smile and the world will smile with you, frown and they will walk from you”

Anyhow, she’s foreign and probably from a Latino background so be careful and always turn your back with a

Now, not to be rude or insult age... which I am not, but these people are out there, I travel continuously on business and I have to admit I love meeting people from different walks of life as you can study their traits, but College is the learning ground for personalities, you can mess up as often as you like and it generally doesn’t matter. By the time you finish college you will know how to deal with the majority of people. Oh to be 22 again

Sound advise moviesrme and I do like Magenta's thought process, but there would have to be very suttle comments in here first - you know what I mean....

moviesrme

Thanks for the support psomers.
I ask the above question as people can but dumb. Socially I am one of them. Technically adept but socially blunt. I could never pull off what people are suggesting ie. Apply social pressure or be adept at putting her down or whatever. I will reread the thread for clues as to the answer.

Yeah, that's it. The offender hasn't a clue she's causing offense. Funny, that. You can be sitting beside someone and they're fuming at you and you think you're helping. I'd try what I suggest above ie. Pull her aside and tell her but be gentle.

psomers

Dear Moviesrme,

Do you know when I was in college a long time ago, there was a girl who knew everything and always wanted to point out to others that she was superior (In fairness she was pretty good – but the majority of time just a condescending pain in the arse), and she had a personality like an out of date smoked haddock – bloody vile. Group projects were fascinating – no one wanted to partner with her – ever (once bitten twice shy). One day whilst waiting for the train she stood beside me teary eyed and tired looking, upon asking what’s up, she exclaimed that she was pissed off with the course / class and colleagues, that no one would listen to her. At this point I had 2 options. Option 1. Agree with her, and ask what colleague she is going to go to next (praying), or option (2) politely tell her that the problem is not the course / class or colleagues, it is her ‘sarcastic miss know it all’ character ‘I went to all the best schools’ attitude that sucked, and that IF she learnt that respect is earned and not shoved up peoples noises, that she may actually succeed.

Logic dedicates that I should have gone with option 1...........I didn’t.......

Well as it turns out, she did quite well after a while, she didn’t realise that she was such a b**ch, she watched her P’s and Q’s and regularly got a kick up the ass from myself when her character came back out. Fortunately for the rest of the group, it was a blessing because she really did annoy people. Has it helped her in the long run, I don’t know, but I know one thing....The days of putting up with idiots has to stop – Pull them up – tell them that they are an emotional bully without any thought for others – be harsh – and don’t hold back – make sure they understand that not only are they hurting others – but they are a disgrace to themselves and if they want friends or companionship in work or colleague they need to respect others first.

In the case of the girl in my colleague, yes fine- it worked somewhat – I heard years later that she was back to her old self in some company that she was working for. Two points from this (1) You cannot change the spots on a leopard – only camouflage them (2) WE all succeeded in college and we learnt how to adapt and put people into their respective places (not bullying – but helping).

Seriously, think about this logically. If a man walked up to you and invaded your personal space, would you say nothing – hell no, he would probably be bent over in two. If a girl invades your mental space.........are you supposed to let them – hell no. Who’s the boss – you are, who is the most important person in your life – you are, who’s the most giving – you are, who deserves to be treated like a real good person – you are. Who does not have the right to invade your space - everyone.

psomers

Option 3 - send her to me and I will pop her over my knee and give her a good spanking I won't enjoy it - I swear LOL (Joking)

moviesrme

Psomers: I see where you are coming from and you are correct but I would tend to be a little less forceful maybe because of my personality which abhors confrontation but I do see the need for respect (mutual) and assertiveness. I work on that.
Another aspect to this I notice is my sometimes "know it all" approach with others. I cannot help it. I am clever enough now to see it for what it is and to try to stop it. I believe it stems from a need to control things. If I feel out of control of my life (who doesn't at times; but in my case it can be worse than normal) then I need to exert control over anytthing to make myself feel better hence a "know it all" attitude. The problem is the more I learn the less I realise I know at any time.
The key is to feel the "out of controlness" and embrace the uncertainty and then I regain my control in time ironically. ie I realise sometimes life is overwhelming and the more I resist it the bigger the crash later. It's all in a sense an illusion of emotion.
This is my theory anyhow.;)
Sorry for digressing OP but I would propose this controlling thing I explain above may be your "friends" problem. A possibility anyway

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Denimgirl

one word for her is Jealousy! next time she makes a smart comment just smile and say really! ok yeah whatever! and laugh to yourself and say nothing,if she asks why your doing that just say i think you like the sound of your own voice! ask her is she a doctor next time she comments on your health. does she have a phd?she knows she winding you up,have one liners ready for her!maybe your a threat to her.She's insecure so she wants to feel like she's better than you coz she's jealous of you, why else would she put so much time and effort into annoying you?chin up girl!She's the one with the problem rise above it SMILE at her!

LegacyUser

I agree with the people who say that first of all you have to make sure she knows how you feel.

Maybe it's all just a mix of her having a different background (you say she's not Irish), a strange personality and a lack of social skills. She could be saying that kind of stuff to you as a joke, thinking you "get it", and are not hurt by her behaviour?

You say that she is the one who finds you and sits with you at lunch/starts the conversation, etc. Maybe she thinks you guys are actually friends! Some people are really bad at reading a room, and have no idea when they are making other uncomfortable. Also, you said that she tried to explain lectures to you as it you were dumber that her: perphaps she thinks she is actually being helpful? I mean, if you just wanted to make someone feel inferior you would't actually bother trying to explain stuff to them, right?

I may be completely wrong, of course, it's just that from what I'm reading she reminds me a lot of someone I used to know who followed me around all the time but was actually bitchy and condescending to me. It took me a while to realise that there was no malice to what she said, and that she honestly thought that I was her friend (she didn't have many friends, what a surprise).

So yeah, make sure she knows how you feel, have a talk with her and be honest.

seenitall

"Maybe it's all just a mix of her having a different background (you say she's not Irish), a strange personality and a lack of social skills. She could be saying that kind of stuff to you as a joke, thinking you "get it", and are not hurt by her behaviour?"

Some joke. I don't put much faith in "ignorant rather than malicious" theory. Sounds too much like a cop-out for the type of stuff this woman is up to. A veiled insult is something that is universal to all languages and cultural backgrounds.

"Also, you said that she tried to explain lectures to you as it you were dumber that her: perphaps she thinks she is actually being helpful? I mean, if you just wanted to make someone feel inferior you would't actually bother trying to explain stuff to them, right?"

Not right. Very, very wrong, in fact.

OP, I also knew a person or two like this in my time. I didn't know how to hadle them then, and I am not sure I would be much better at it now, unfortunately, as I am very sensitive to covert agression and it gets to me too easily. I would be an ideal target! I agree with those who say to laugh in her face and find a balance of making her feel uncomfortable at what she is saying without actually causing any confrontation. I hope she calms down with her passive agressiveness after a few of those chats.

sponsoredwalk

Having dealt with this type of situation frequently I'll offer my perspective for what it's worth.

The absolute first thing you should do is to respond to anything she says that annoys you in that way with the air of condescention, i.e. when she tells you you try too hard or to relax etc... You have to be honest and to let her know she's treading on your territory. This should let her know she's said something stupid (it would for a normal person). At the very least it will cause an angry silence that will last for a few minutes and she'll reflect on what just happened.

If she persists by pushing you further repeat the pattern. Then the girl has to ask you what's wrong and you've got the chance to explain what she said was hurtful and ask her why she had to say X.

If she is so messed up as to avoid any kind of confrontation with you then you've got something crazy on your hands and it's just best to be totally honest with her & to cut her off before this thing goes on for an entire year and you waste a portion of your life & sanity on this.

Most likely being honest will establish between you a common understanding of boundaries.

Personally I would say the fact that she's foreign is the main reason for your clashing. Having been friends with a lot of foreign people there sometimes is a bit of a cultural barrier and I've been in fights over some things I've said that can come off very wrong (and vice versa) - all solved by talking through what happened.

Being honest is, in my opinion, the first step to either getting past this situation or getting the *uc* out of there!

Quick question: How is she ever going to stop saying certain things when she doesn't realise it is annoying you???