Fiancee looking up naked pics

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

My friend has told me about a problem she is having with her fiancee and I honestly don't know what to advise her, so any help would be appreciated!

They're going out 5 and a half years.
She says a good few times he's been looking up naked girls on the internet on his mobile. She found out about it and was v upset. He swore he would never do it again after that. She told me last week she needed a number from his phone and that he was very secretive with his phone. she knew something was up so when he went to the bathroom she checked his internet history, he had indeed been looking up these sites again. When she said it to him, he got mad and stormed off. She says she hates lies, and her way of thinking is if he's lied about this what else has he lied about?

Any thoughts?

Lux23

Was he looking at porn or asking girls to send him naked pics to him? If its just porn I really don't think she has any right to tell him to stop, its just a bit of innocent distraction. Does she never look at torso of the week in Heat?

LegacyUser

from what she said, it was porn, it's the whole trust thing that's getting to her, like him lying about it

LegacyUser

A man looking at porn, the shock! I really don't know what the world is coming to. Honestly, whats the big deal I look at porn all the time. It doesn't mean I don't love my OH. It's better than pestering her for sex all the time. Besides the girls in the porn videos never say they have a headache :-)

Miss Fluff

dileemma wrote: »

When she said it to him, he got mad and stormed off. She says she hates lies, and her way of thinking is if he's lied about this what else has he lied about?

Any thoughts?

Yes, my thought is that your mate is completely over-reacting. It would be a different thing altogether if he was receiving naked texts from girls he actually knows/is flirting with but if he's looking up a bit of porn on tinterweb then that is perfectly normal. I don't know any guy who doesn't. I look at porn ffs, most people do afaik. Your friend needs to chill.

Millie

As a female I wouldn't and don't have a problem with my fella looking at porn.
Sure what harm is there in it...

I think your friend needs to cool the jets and not make such a big issue out of it.

seenitall

OP, your friend sounds like a naive and inexperienced girl in the ways of the modern world. Men have always viewed porn, and now with all the new technologies coming up all the time, they are finding it easier then ever to access it. If your friend can't handle her guy looking at porn (which IS the main issue here, as you said she got very upset at finding porn on his phone, and that was before any lying started), then there is most probably no way forward for the relationship.

That said, he shouldn't have lied to her, of course. He should have explained to her right away that porn is something that he is into as it brings him a nice distraction/relief/whatever else it does for guys, that it is not something that is excessive or a threat to their relationship in any way, and that if she couldn't handle that, then indeed they do have a problem with each other. But unfortunately, he chose the seemingly "easier" route of lying his way out of a situation that could have led to clearing the air at least.

Just to add a highly personal slant to this (for a change ), I would at this stage of my life not bat an eyelid at any prospective boyfriend of mine looking at porn. Seeing what so many attached guys are up to this day and age, viewing porn does seem to be the least of all evils, really. For example he could be cheating or gambling away all his money or have an alcohol problem or a drug problem. If viewing porn is all he does for fun and distraction (as long as it is not excessive/addictive), leave him to it.

krudler

Depnds, were they real women he'd been chatting to on a dating site? or just standard posing pics? if they were real women ie ones he's been in contact, yeah thats an issue, if they're just porn or women posing, sure hed see worse in the newspapers everyday, I cant understand peoples logic that once they've commited themselves to you they instantly shouldnt look at other women or men, its ridiculous.

aidan24326

seenitall wrote: »

OP, your friend sounds like a naive and inexperienced girl in the ways of the modern world.

It's a surprisngly naieve attitude to have at this day and age. A girl should probably be more worried if her bf/husband didn't ever look at porn! I would expect 99% of guys do, and it's a relatively harmless thing once it doesn't become an obsession. And if it's only pics of nudey girls that's pretty tame stuff, it's not like he's watching bestiality videos or anything. If she thinks that having a partner means he's never going to look at another woman ever again then she really needs to start living in the real world!

LegacyUser

I disagree with other posters here.

Not everyone looks at porn.

I am a 35 year old guy. I am married. I have a strong sex drive. I do not look at porn. I feel it would cheapen my relationship with my wife. She feels the same way, and she doesn't look at it either. When we are with each other we want to give ourselves to each othger, not to some imagined fantasy image we have seen on the internet.

Besides, when you consider how many of the girls in porn are encouraged to do things they don't want to do, and how many face violence and abuse on set and are drugged up to the eyes to cope with it, its not really all that pleasant! The fantasy of people enjoying themselves on screen is just that - a fantasy. The reality is a lot grimmer.

OP - your friend is entitled to feel offended if she wants to be. There are people out there who do not look at porn. Don't let a self-selecting online sample on this forum tell you otherwise!!

MrMojoRising

dileemma wrote: »

from what she said, it was porn, it's the whole trust thing that's getting to her, like him lying about it

she's forcing him to lie about it as she's making such a big deal about it. i feel sorry for the guy

Barracudaincork

aidan24326 wrote: »

If she thinks that having a partner means he's never going to look at another woman ever again then she really needs to start living in the real world!

Agreed.

aidan24326 wrote: »

And if it's only pics of nudey girls that's pretty tame stuff, it's not like he's watching bestiality videos or anything.

I think you need to realise chances are this porn isnt pics of nudey girls a la Page 3, there will be legs wide open and vaginas on show, not what would be considered tame considering a lot of stripclubs dont let their strippers show their vagina when they take all their clothes off.

IMO the man isnt doing anything wrong or abnormal, but im not convinced 99% of men watch porn, that would also suggest men who dont watch porn are abnormal!

tbh

MrMojoRising wrote: »

she's forcing him to lie about it as she's making such a big deal about it. i feel sorry for the guy

no she's not. She's telling him she has a problem with his actions, and it's up to him to either respect that or not.
Like, I wouldn't think a girl was an idiot if she said she had a problem with me, say, drinking milk. I would either say "ok, I'll never drink milk again" or "sorry, but I'm going to keep drinking milk, you'll just have to accept it".
What he's doing is, he's telling her that if he thinks something is ok, he'll do it whether she likes it or not. In her mind, that could extend to anything. So, it's time for him to man up, I think

tagoona

op. I'll agree with most of the others that 99% of men probably look at porn.
Your friend however has put her boyfriend in a horrible position. Does he
1.- be honest, say that he doesn't consider it cheating or abnormal and knowing her feelings on the subject watch the woman he loves walk away
or
2 - tell her he'll stop, attempt and fail to do so, the try and hide it better because he wants her to stay.

Your friend is entitled to feel hurt all she wants and can walk away pretending it's all his fault. BUT she'll be waiting a long time to find a man she loves that can honestly tell her he doesn't view porn.

Best of luck to your friend OP deciding between her principles and the man she loves. If she decides to leave, make sure she sits down properly and listens to his point of view on the matter. It may help her find that elusive 1%

ApeXaviour

idontdoporn wrote: »

I am a 35 year old guy. I am married. I have a strong sex drive. I do not look at porn. I feel it would cheapen my relationship with my wife. She feels the same way, and she doesn't look at it either. When we are with each other we want to give ourselves to each othger, not to some imagined fantasy image we have seen on the internet.

How you and your wife choose go about your relationship is your business. IMO, you're the one living in a fantasy, it's a misguided notion that you will only be physically attracted to one person. If you want to **** to porn but deny yourself due to some misplaced guilt then its repression, again your business. There's nothing to feel guilty about with fantasy, once it stays fantasy... I would suggest that being able to accept one's self is much more enlightening than it is cheapening.

muinteoir09

ApeXaviour wrote: »

How you and your wife choose go about your relationship is your business. IMO, you're the one living in a fantasy, it's a misguided notion that you will only be physically attracted to one person. If you want to **** to porn but deny yourself due to some misplaced guilt then its repression, again your business. There's nothing to feel guilty about with fantasy, once it stays fantasy... I would suggest that being able to accept one's self is much more enlightening than it is cheapening.

Agree with this 100%.

I really don't understand the relationship + porn = guilt/cheating attitude that so many Irish people seem to have.

LegacyUser

dileemma wrote: »

She says a good few times he's been looking up naked girls on the internet on his mobile. She found out about it and was v upset. He swore he would never do it again after that. She told me last week she needed a number from his phone and that he was very secretive with his phone. she knew something was up so when he went to the bathroom she checked his internet history, he had indeed been looking up these sites again.

One he lied. Two his girlfriend's probably upset because she thinks her fiance doesn't fancy her.
Whether it's right of wrong to be upset by something like this, thinking their boyfriends/husbands etc don't fancy them is a reality for many women. In an image driven world, bagging an aesthetically beautiful woman is every red blooded, straight male's goal.

For most women, their appearance would be high on their list of priorities. For most men, the size of their manhood would be high on their list of priorities. I don't believe many men would be happy (and would start to worry that they don't measure up) if they found out their fiancee was going around with pictures of enormous manhoods on her phone!

(Sorry about the manhood reference, but that's the only thing I could think of that most men would be very self conscious about!)

ApeXaviour

unregistered wrote: »

One he lied.

Sounds to me like he was pressured into it to save his relationship. If it was the other way around it'd be considered a white lie, to spare her feelings prevent her making a big issue out of nothing. Like if a girl assures her boyfriend she doesn't find so-and-so mutual acquaintance attractive when she really thinks he's hot stuff, because her bf is a little insecure (immature?) and would make a big deal out of it.

unregistered wrote: »

For most women, their appearance would be high on their list of priorities. For most men, the size of their manhood would be high on their list of priorities. I don't believe many men would be happy (and would start to worry that they don't measure up) if they found out their fiancee was going around with pictures of enormous manhoods on her phone!

It's a little different because of the functionality of the manhood. An equivalent example is if a girl was especially visual, and had pictures of naked tanned men with chiselled jaws, low bodyfat, and we'll say well endowed also. Once it was for aesthetic purposes like this I don't see a problem. I actually have a better example, an ex of mine used to have lots of photos of orlando bloom on her computer, and she quite clearly had a puppy crush on him. I can assure you I look nothing like orlando bloom, but it didn't bother me at all, it's just fantasy.

If she's insecure it's not because he's looking at nudy pics, and forcing him to stop is not a solution.

LegacyUser

ApeXaviour wrote: »

It's a little different because of the functionality of the manhood. An equivalent example is if a girl was especially visual, and had pictures of naked tanned men with chiselled jaws, low bodyfat, and we'll say well endowed also. Once it was for aesthetic purposes like this I don't see a problem. I actually have a better example, an ex of mine used to have lots of photos of orlando bloom on her computer, and she quite clearly had a puppy crush on him. I can assure you I look nothing like orlando bloom, but it didn't bother me at all, it's just fantasy.

You could argue that the functionality of a woman's appearance is to attract a suitable male to father her children.

Men don't have half as much pressure on them to look good as women do. So when you say you wouldn't be worried if your girlfriend was looking at pictures of good looking naked men, you're coming from a male point of view, a view that hasn't been tarnished by approximately 3000 images of perfect men a week for every week of his life (I heard a statistic today that people in general see approximately 3000 images of 'perfect women' every week-actually saw it on How to look good naked, the woman in the program today was five foot eleven, stunning figure yet she thought she looked pig ugly!)


Forcing her fiance to stop looking at nude pics definitely isn't going to solve the proplem yeah-either he wants to stop, or he doesn't want to stop. It's up to his fiancee to live with his decision or let him go.

LegacyUser

ApeXaviour wrote: »

How you and your wife choose go about your relationship is your business. IMO, you're the one living in a fantasy, it's a misguided notion that you will only be physically attracted to one person. If you want to **** to porn but deny yourself due to some misplaced guilt then its repression, again your business. There's nothing to feel guilty about with fantasy, once it stays fantasy... I would suggest that being able to accept one's self is much more enlightening than it is cheapening.

Seriously man, what are you talking about?

Where did I say that one would only be physically attracted to one person forever? Heck, I am attracted to most women I see on the street! That's only natural.

Now, on the issue of "repression", quite frankly that's nonsense. It's called healthy self-control. Somehow or other we have managed to convince ourselves as a society that self-control is somehow dangerous, that you'll burst if you practice it. Again, nonsense. Most sane people control themselves if they see someone they fancy on the street, they don't automatically go over and touch them up, cos if they did it would be assault and they'd find themselves in trouble. Similarly, we generally value fidelity in relationships, which means that we must "repress" our attractions towards others. Again, this is normal.

As for accepting oneself, yes, to a point, but sure aren't these forums full of advice where people tell others that they (or their partners) have to change? We generally don't think that lazy and selfish boyfriends should just accept themselves, we generally encourage them to grow up. Yet somehow when it comes to sex our impulses must be gratified or we are "repressed".

My main points still stand:

1. Not everyone watches porn or thinks that it is hunk dory. Yes, perhaps many (most??) do so, but not everybody. Those who don't can live perfectly normal and happy lives. Often these forums give a different impression.

2. The OP's friend is perfectly entitled to ask that the boyfriend not watch porn. He may not want to comply with that, and thus the relationship might end. But this girl shouldn't be made to feel like the one with a problem just because she doesn't want her boyfriend to watch this stuff.

3. The fantasy of porn does hurt others. It's not entirely hurt-free. Many, if not most, hardcore porn actresses hate their job, are forced into things they don't want to do, are encouraged to risk their lives by not using condoms and are routinely given drink and drugs to get them through their scenes. Watching porn facilitates this abuse of women. It ain't a fantasy that hurts no-one!

AnnyHallsal

If she's worried he doesn't fancy her, I think the problem is hers. It sounds to me that she has self-esteem issues and is, as a result, threatened by the internet girls.

I completely understand my OH's interest in porn and think it's unrealistic to expect anyone to be only attracted to one person for the rest of their lives. Life would be very boring if our imaginations were so strictly controlled. If he is faithful and good to her in general the best thing she can do is to bolster her own self-esteem and to realise that porn is impersonal and most often an aid to people's sex lives.

LegacyUser

AnnyHallsal wrote: »

If she's worried he doesn't fancy her, I think the problem is hers. It sounds to me that she has self-esteem issues and is, as a result, threatened by the internet girls.

I completely understand my OH's interest in porn and think it's unrealistic to expect anyone to be only attracted to one person for the rest of their lives. Life would be very boring if our imaginations were so strictly controlled. If he is faithful and good to her in general the best thing she can do is to bolster her own self-esteem and to realise that porn is impersonal and most often an aid to people's sex lives.

Again, I don't get this issue about only being attracted to one person forever. That's not the issue. I'm sure that this girl does not expect him to never be attracted to anyone else. That's simply human nature. However, we can choose what to do with our natural instincts. There's a big difference between being attracted to someone else and deliberately going and looking for that attraction.

This girl has every entitlement to tell her boyfriend that porn is not on. he has every entitlement to walk away from the relationship if he can't accept that.

But the girl should not be made feel that she is the one with the problem.

There is another issue here of course...

We are rightly appalled at child pornography, and as a society we reject it for two reasons:
1. It perpetuates abuse - the market for child porn encourages abuse
2. We worry that those who watch child porn will copy what they see because of the effect it has on them

The same two issues are at work in adult pornography. Consuming adult pornography creates a market for it. Women are hurt and abused by this industry. Secondly, it surely makes it more difficult (note: I did not say impossible) for a person to control their sexual urges and keep themselves faithful if they arouse themselves excessively witb pornography. There's a lot of concern around these parts about men who are unfaithful, it seemjs to be a very common thing. I'm surprised nobody ever questions whether there is a link between the commonality of infidelity and the general use of porn.

My main point remains: this girl should NOT be made to feel that she is the one with the problem.

ApeXaviour

unregistered wrote: »

You could argue that the functionality of a woman's appearance is to attract a suitable male to father her children.

Yes, as is a mans social status, job, pay-cheque, height and (to only slightly lesser extent) looks. It goes both ways.

Read my post, I made "the better example" of my ex having a puppy crush on some rich handsome actor. Is that not more than comparable to teasing one out over random nudy pics, given that there's a (fantasy) emotional attachment there too?

idontdoporn wrote: »

It's called healthy self-control. Somehow or other we have managed to convince ourselves as a society that self-control is somehow dangerous, that you'll burst if you practice it.

What you do in your relationship is your business. Not every last man looks at porn, fine. You call it healthy self control, I call it pointless abstention/masochism, each to their own, live and let live. The fiancée clearly doesn't have any desire to practice it, and why should he just because you do? He's not doing anything wrong.

idontdoporn wrote: »

Most sane people control themselves if they see someone they fancy on the street, they don't automatically go over and touch them up, cos if they did it would be assault and they'd find themselves in trouble. Similarly, we generally value fidelity in relationships, which means that we must "repress" our attractions towards others. Again, this is normal.

Oh come on, don't tell me you can't see the difference!? Using a visual aid to masturbate vs. cheating or worse, sexually assaulting someone.

idontdoporn wrote: »

We generally don't think that lazy and selfish boyfriends should just accept themselves, we generally encourage them to grow up. Yet somehow when it comes to sex our impulses must be gratified or we are "repressed".

I believe being good, giving and game (within reason) in the bedroom is a healthy ethos to live by. Sex is important. Some people really really want certain outlets, whether its a common one like the above (majority of males), or something more obscure like a foot or leather fetish. If it makes your partner happy, is legal, doesn't hurt or betray anyone and is of minimal effort... then why the hell not indulge them!!??

idontdoporn wrote: »

2. The OP's friend is perfectly entitled to ask that the boyfriend not watch porn. He may not want to comply with that, and thus the relationship might end. But this girl shouldn't be made to feel like the one with a problem just because she doesn't want her boyfriend to watch this stuff.

She can ask him to eat buttons if she wants, it's still an unfair and unreasonable request misguidedly based on her own insecurities, he's not done anything wrong (apart from being a bit of a wimp and not standing up to his controlling insecure fiancee).

idontdoporn wrote: »

Many, if not most, hardcore porn actresses hate their job, are forced into things they don't want to do, are encouraged to risk their lives by not using condoms and are routinely given drink and drugs to get them through their scenes. Watching porn facilitates this abuse of women. It ain't a fantasy that hurts no-one!

This doesn't stand up. If a company selling shoes exploits child labour, it doesn't mean we should stop wearing shoes, it just means we should stop wearing their shoes.

vicecreamsundae

i'm fine with watching porn. like, proper porn. where people have sex and you watch to get off.

but downloading nudie photos? on a mobile phone? what for -to get a boner when he's riding the bus, or to look at while he's in line at the bank?
pfft.
and then making a fake promise not to do it again?
and throwing a pissy fit when he gets found out?

engaged and going out 5 years? he sounds 13.

seahorse

idontdoporn wrote: »

I disagree with other posters here.

Not everyone looks at porn.

I am a 35 year old guy. I am married. I have a strong sex drive. I do not look at porn. I feel it would cheapen my relationship with my wife. She feels the same way, and she doesn't look at it either. When we are with each other we want to give ourselves to each othger, not to some imagined fantasy image we have seen on the internet.

Besides, when you consider how many of the girls in porn are encouraged to do things they don't want to do, and how many face violence and abuse on set and are drugged up to the eyes to cope with it, its not really all that pleasant! The fantasy of people enjoying themselves on screen is just that - a fantasy. The reality is a lot grimmer.

OP - your friend is entitled to feel offended if she wants to be. There are people out there who do not look at porn. Don't let a self-selecting online sample on this forum tell you otherwise!!

+ 1

OP, for all the reasons listed above, I wouldn't piss on porn is it was on fire.

Don't let the PC army dictate your life. They'd have different ideas if it were their wife/girlfriend/daughter/mother with a camera rammed between their legs.

seahorse

ApeXaviour wrote: »

This doesn't stand up. If a company selling shoes exploits child labour, it doesn't mean we should stop wearing shoes, it just means we should stop wearing their shoes.

Maybe stop wearing ALL shoes bought from that particular place until you know which are the harmful ones???

seahorse

ApeXaviour wrote: »

How you and your wife choose go about your relationship is your business. IMO, you're the one living in a fantasy, it's a misguided notion that you will only be physically attracted to one person. If you want to **** to porn but deny yourself due to some misplaced guilt then its repression, again your business. There's nothing to feel guilty about with fantasy, once it stays fantasy... I would suggest that being able to accept one's self is much more enlightening than it is cheapening.

It's more enlightening than it is cheapening to focus on your own partner, I would hope.

AnnyHallsal

idontdoporn wrote: »

We are rightly appalled at child pornography, and as a society we reject it for two reasons:
1. It perpetuates abuse - the market for child porn encourages abuse
2. We worry that those who watch child porn will copy what they see because of the effect it has on them

This is a very sensitive issue but you're completely wrong. Current research suggests that there is no causal relationship between watching child pornography and abusing. In fact, paedophiles who do so are less likely to molest. The problem with child porn is that the kids involved are being abused and being below the age of consent as a society we rightly protect them.

idontdoporn wrote: »

The same two issues are at work in adult pornography. Consuming adult pornography creates a market for it. Women are hurt and abused by this industry. Secondly, it surely makes it more difficult (note: I did not say impossible) for a person to control their sexual urges and keep themselves faithful if they arouse themselves excessively witb pornography. There's a lot of concern around these parts about men who are unfaithful, it seemjs to be a very common thing. I'm surprised nobody ever questions whether there is a link between the commonality of infidelity and the general use of porn.

Not all women are hurt and abused by the industry. That's a myth our hypocritical society perpetuates. Women enter the market voluntarily and are very well rewarded financially. The problems they suffer largely stem from the disrespect of those who think they are disgusting for working in porn. The more open our attitude to porn the less of a stigma would surround the work the less those girls would suffer.

There's no correlation between porn and rape - that's nonsense.

I've seen no convincing research linking porn and infidelity. For many it enhances their relationship.

parker kent

idontdoporn wrote: »

The fantasy of porn does hurt others. It's not entirely hurt-free. Many, if not most, hardcore porn actresses hate their job, are forced into things they don't want to do, are encouraged to risk their lives by not using condoms and are routinely given drink and drugs to get them through their scenes. Watching porn facilitates this abuse of women. It ain't a fantasy that hurts no-one!

Not all porn is like what you describe. You are describing the a very dodgy element of the scripted hardcore porn industry, which would typically have blonde, perma-tanned Barbie lookalikes. They normally have ridiculous implants and look a bit freaky.

But there are plenty of sites out there where it is just amateur porn. They are in the main real people, not girls or guys being forced into it. Personally I am not into the scripted stuff you may be thinking about. I freely admit I look at porn, and I look at stuff that has girls I'm attracted to. I'm not attracted to drug riddled, porn "actresses". I'm trying not to get side tracked on this issue, but basically there are varying levels out there. Yes I agree, some porn has the side effects that you say. But not all do. So to tar everything with the same brush is naive.

Also, it is not just men that look at porn. Plenty of women do too. It is not just women that are in porn either. Guys are in it, and they suffer the same experiences as women. What about gay porn?

unregistered wrote: »

(Sorry about the manhood reference, but that's the only thing I could think of that most men would be very self conscious about!)

I think a better example would be six-packs/abs. That is something that men are self conscious about. It is also very common in ads, TV shows, movies, magazines etc to see guys with perfect abs.

Look at the female reacton to rugby players as an example. It is impossible for many men to look like they do. All the gym work in world cannot match some other peoples DNA combined with the life of a professional athlete. Most girls I know look at these with great enthusiasm. Am I jealous of guys with great abs? Yes. Does it make me feel self-conscious? Yes. Do I feel it is morally wrong for girls to look/lust at these guys? Hell no!

As for the OP, I think that that couple face issues. First, if he just wants to look at pictures, it is harmless. He should make it clear that he still loves her, still fancies her etc. She comes across as a little naive about men and that is still relatively common amongst girls. But as one poster said above, I'm not really sure why he feels the need to look at porn on his phone, unless he does it at home or has no computer. That element confused me!

LegacyUser

AnnyHallsal wrote: »

This is a very sensitive issue but you're completely wrong. Current research suggests that there is no causal relationship between watching child pornography and abusing. In fact, paedophiles who do so are less likely to molest. The problem with child porn is that the kids involved are being abused and being below the age of consent as a society we rightly protect them.



Not all women are hurt and abused by the industry. That's a myth our hypocritical society perpetuates. Women enter the market voluntarily and are very well rewarded financially. The problems they suffer largely stem from the disrespect of those who think they are disgusting for working in porn. The more open our attitude to porn the less of a stigma would surround the work the less those girls would suffer.

There's no correlation between porn and rape - that's nonsense.

I've seen no convincing research linking porn and infidelity. For many it enhances their relationship.

I have not examiend the evidence for a link between child pornography and abuse, but then again, the burden of proof is clearly on those who would suggest that there is no link.

Would you let someone you knew to use child pornography baby sit your children for a weekend???

Re the overall effects of pornography on relationships, fidelity and other factors, this is clearly a very difficult area to research for a variety of methodological reasons. What research there is indicates some worrying trends, please see Manning (2006) 'The Impact of Internet Pornography on Marriage and the Family: A Review of the Research', Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 13, 131-165. This paper reviews the empirical evidence on the effects of adult porn and identifies many negative trends.

I never said anything about a correlation between rape and porn, but thanks for making that point anyway. Some evidence to back it up might be useful.

Of course, there are many people who will use pornography and have no negative effects. Good for them, genuinely I hope their good luck continues. But positive personal experiences don't change the fact that for some (many? most?) it is damaging to their relationships.

Re the exploitation fo women, please see the testimonies of porn actresses now being presented by the Pink Cross Foundation. You can google them. As for being handsomely rewarded, maybe you call being pressured into doing things you don't want to do, and getting $800 per scene and catching STI's (because of poor testing regulations) being handsomely rewarded. Personally, I don't. Of course, there may well be many who will not regret their time. Good for them. But the fact remains that the fantasy on the screen is just a fantasy and it often involves acts which the women themselves feel are degrading to them.

I also utterly reject your claim that people feel guilty because of society's attitude. If anything, its the other way around. Porn stars are now mini celebrities with fan clubs etc etc. Again, your argument doesn't stack up from the personal testimonies of ex-porn stars.

My main point still remains: the OP's friend is not unreasonable to ask her fiance to stop looking at pornographic images. She might be unreasonable to expect him to be able to stop immediately, especially if he has developed a habit in this area. But she is most certainly not unreasonable in asking him to try to stop it. Similarly, from his point of view, he will not see it as unreasonable to reject her request if he loves playing with himself more than he loves her.

muinteoir09

Why is it that those who dislike pornography and 'exercise self-control' feel the need to lecture the rest of us with unproven correlations of rape, infidelity, child abuse and the like? t makes my blood boil. If you don't like watching porn, don't watch it. But don't try to use scaremongering tactics to back up your position.

As regards the OP's original posting: it is not for the female to dictate that her finacée not look at porn. What he watches is up to him and she must get over her own insecurities. He shouldn't lie and that should be the issue - not the porn element. Although, she shouldn't be snooping on his phone. Sounds like the relationship has trust issues that need resolved.

tbh

to be honest lads, this isn't about porn.