Lack of Libido???

Jinxi

I just came back from a weekend with some of my gf's. Most of us are in Long term relationships. I was a bit shocked that all of the girls complained about relationship issues due to their lack of libido. One who became a mother over 18 months ago, was on the verge of splitting up. The main reason for this is she no longer wnat sex. Another has no kids but also has the same complaint.
From our converstions, it was clear that they all had the same cause....hormonal contraceptives. They all were fine for the first six months. But as well as a lack of desire, when they were in the mood, their bodies didn't cooperate.
What i was surprised at was the lack of awareness they had over their own bodies and the willingness to stri themselves of their sexuality.
They knew nothing about low hormone contraceptions like the NUVA ring
They all had issues subjecting(????) their partners to condom:eek:
What has happened to feminism?

Fran79

Hi
I agree re hormonal contraceptives and lack of sex drive (came off the pilll a couple of months ago and have my sex drive back - which makes both of us happy).

Could part of the problem be GP's? Its a lot easier for a GP to have one or two fav Pills to prescribe rather than knowing about other things eg Nuva.

Re condoms - that is a personal thing. Hubbie wouldn't have a prob with them, but I have a mild allergy to latex (red itchy rash - not nice) which is made worse by the spermicde which most condoms have on them. There is an attitude amoung some men that its like wearing a bin bag - but perhaps its a male peer pressure thing?

Feminism is not in fashion

Fran

Xiney

in my experience, low hormones (Mirena) still affected my libido. It also made me grow extra hair (yuk) and probably gain weight (although my affinity for ginger nut biscuits contributed to that of course)

now I'm on no hormones - but we're in a position that this is viable for us (ie, condoms + timing, and if I accidentally get knocked up... well it's not the end of the world)

As an aside, it took over a year for the extra body hair to go - just goes to show the side effects last longer than the desired ones.

Lia_lia

Being on the pill increases my libido. Too much. Oh well!

banshee_bones

Yeah I had this problem for a while too, I think alot of it can be fixed by trying out a few different types of pill until you find one that was a good fit. I had different side affects to each one eventually settled on one that worked or well at least had the least amount of side affects or one I could live with after going through about 4 different ones.

shellyboo

The problem is that society is accepting of women not wanting sex - it's almost considered the norm. Relationships where the male partner is constantly denied sex on a regualr basis are considered perfectly normal, and men are made to feel bad for pressuring their partners or wanting to have a healthy, active sex life.

Because of that, there's definitely a lack of awareness in the roles hormonal contraceptives can play in decreasing libido. A lot of men and women simply accept a decline in sex as normal. Which is very, very sad, imo.

Aside from that, there are some people for whom sex is simply not a priority. It doesn't bother them that their libido decreases as it's not a massive factor in their relationships. Personally, I struggle to understand this and I think it's a shame - but each to their own. For me, a robust sex life is an absolute must, the basis of everything else within the relationship; but it's not like that for everyone.

Abi

It does mention in the accompanying booklets that your libido may be affected. In the past mine would have been marginally, nothing major.

Xiney wrote: »

I accidentally get knocked up... well it's not the end of the world)

Jesus... that line scares the shit out of me

Xiney

lol

in the past it'd have done the same to me as well! different circumstances is all.

Dudess

Many women aren't fans of condoms either though - it's not necessarily just about appeasing men (obviously not referring to casual sex here).

princess-lala

I think my libido gets higher when Im on the pill, I dont have kids so I cant put a lack of one down to that

Nor do I have a partner so I just have a lack of sex and a high libido

Abi

Dudess wrote: »

Many women aren't fans of condoms either though - it's not necessarily just about appeasing men (obviously not referring to casual sex here).

I know I'm not, much prefer au natural. But will only chance not using condoms until I'm a fair bit into a relationship and both parties have been checked. During this time I'd also begin taking the pill though, just to ensure its effectiveness if I do decide its time to go without.

Jinxi

sure. i realise that in a perfect world we would all like to ride bare back(hee hee;)), but my point is that some girls think it normal to chemically castrate themselves. The cruel thing is that when they are under the influence of the fake hormones they feel like it is their choice to not have sex.
Without meaning to offend, ones sex drive outside of a long term realtionship is completely different to when one is in one.... but thst said, imho it shouldn't mean the death of it.

There is also something that doesn't still well about women having to take the brunt of the birth control side effects

Abi

Jinxi wrote: »

sure. i realise that in a perfect world we would all like to ride bare back(hee hee;)),

Wash your mouth out young lady, its 'au natural' in here :pac:

but my point is that some girls think it normal to chemically castrate themselves. The cruel thing is that when they are under the influence of the fake hormones they feel like it is their choice to not have sex.
Without meaning to offend, ones sex drive outside of a long term realtionship is completely different to when one is in one.... but thst said, imho it shouldn't mean the death of it.

There is also something that doesn't still well about women having to take the brunt of the birth control side effects

I can understand your point of view, big time. But tbph, if the guy was taking the pill, I'd still be terrified of becoming pregnant.. would probably take it myself anyway

So if you throw the shoe on the other foot for just a moment, guys take a big risk doing the bould thing with us whilst on the pill alone. We can't blame them for for us being born women, at best all we can do is deal with it as best we can (:

Stheno

Jinxi wrote: »

There is also something that doesn't still well about women having to take the brunt of the birth control side effects

To be fair, most of the most reliable form of contraception e.g. Mirena, DepoProvera are available to women and not men, no man has the same choice if they choose that, it's esentially condoms or nothing.

Personally I'd never ever trust condoms, I enjoy the fact that my choice of contraception not only means I've a high protection against becoming pregnant, and I've no periods.

Rather that than a child unexpectedly anyday, or an unwanted pregnancy.

Dudess

Jinxi wrote: »

What has happened to feminism?

Fran79 wrote: »

Feminism is not in fashion

To be fair, the advent of the contraceptive pill is an outcome of feminism.

Jinxi

Dudess wrote: »

To be fair, the advent of the contraceptive pill is an outcome of feminism.

Thats actually whats kind of sad! The pill was meant to liberate women from unwanted pregnancies and give them control over their own bodies.
But it seems that women are happy to sacrifice their right to enjoy a sex life, feeding into the archaeic veiw that women don't really enjoy sex. Indeed some of the girls I was talking to were shocked to hear that not only do I enjoy it, but have a higher libido than my partner(i stoped taking all forms of chemical contraceptive 5 years ago due to the same side effects mentioned above). They refered to me "wanting sex like a bloke".
Alot of the girls admitted that most of the time when thay had sex they were "taking one for the team". These are highly educated women in their twenties?

Fran79

I agree with you Jinxi.

That is very sad that these women are not enjoying sex. Surely part of a good sexual relationship is that both parties have a good time without being pressured into doing anything they are uncomfortable with.

Nothing wrong with wanting sex IMO.

Hubbie is disturbed by reading this thread that women are not enjoying sex too.

Fran

Emme

Interesting debate. Yasmin is the only pill that doesn't make me bloated and miserable but it completely knocks my libido out, so much so that I have considered taking it during a very long dry spell to make life bearable.

Are women supposed to want sex all the time anyway? It's not an issue for me as I'm not in a relationship and I don't like one night stands, but I thought that sex should be a part of a good relationship but not the whole of it. There's too much emphasis on sex for the sake of itself and not the other things that make a relationship such as empathy, companionship, mutual support and of course love.

I know she's not cool at the moment, but Germaine Greer made some very good points which I am starting to identify with. She said that as a woman gets older looking for sex and sex itself becomes more humiliating and dangerous than rewarding and that no sex is better than bad sex.

I dunno. If you're in a relationship I would have thought that if a relationship was going well you would be happy to have sex with your partner. That's how I remember it from my last LTR. I used a diaphragm for contraception, yep, it's that long ago! If I had a good partner now I'd be so grateful that I'd let him have me any time he wanted!

Jinxi

Emme wrote: »

Are women supposed to want sex all the time anyway?


I dunno. If you're in a relationship I would have thought that if a relationship was going well you would be happy to have sex with your partner. That's how I remember it from my last LTR. I used a diaphragm for contraception, yep, it's that long ago! If I had a good partner now I'd be so grateful that I'd let him have me any time he wanted!

I don't think anyone wants sex all the time(unless you ask the pr agents of tiger woods). The point is that a health sex drive is suppressed by hormanal contraceptives and women seem to accept it!
If let to its own devises, most womens bodies become receptive to sex intensely around the middle of their cycle, and alot of women find that they natuarlly want sex more around this time. For some women its the only time they want sex. The hormoneal contraceptivesfool your body into thinking it is pregnant all the time, hence the drop in libido.

I never "let my partner have me" no matter how much I love him. Even the way this is phrased shows how complacent women have let themselves become when it comes to sex.
When I have sex its because I'm (for lack of a better word) horny

Emme

Jinxi wrote: »

I don't think anyone wants sex all the time(unless you ask the pr agents of tiger woods). The point is that a health sex drive is suppressed by hormanal contraceptives and women seem to accept it!
If let to its own devises, most womens bodies become receptive to sex intensely around the middle of their cycle, and alot of women find that they natuarlly want sex more around this time. For some women its the only time they want sex. The hormoneal contraceptivesfool your body into thinking it is pregnant all the time, hence the drop in libido.

I never "let my partner have me" no matter how much I love him. Even the way this is phrased shows how complacent women have let themselves become when it comes to sex.
When I have sex its because I'm (for lack of a better word) horny

OK. I've been single for a while (guys only seem to want one night stands these days) and would love to be in a relationship so I'm viewing things through rose-tinted glasses. If the contraceptive pill doesn't agree with you find another method of contraception, I had to when I was in a relationship.

Raze_them_all

Abitar wrote: »

Wash your mouth out young lady, its 'au natural' in here :pac:


I can understand your point of view, big time. But tbph, if the guy was taking the pill, I'd still be terrified of becoming pregnant.. would probably take it myself anyway

So if you throw the shoe on the other foot for just a moment, guys take a big risk doing the bould thing with us whilst on the pill alone. We can't blame them for for us being born women, at best all we can do is deal with it as best we can (:

As a guy I can freely admit I'd be terrible at this, I'd say most guys would be, Cut to the weekend, firing the weeks worth in at once. I always have condoms, even if a girl says "it's ok I'm on the pill" I'll still use them.

Dudess

Jinxi wrote: »

Indeed some of the girls I was talking to were shocked to hear that not only do I enjoy it, but have a higher libido than my partner(i stoped taking all forms of chemical contraceptive 5 years ago due to the same side effects mentioned above). They refered to me "wanting sex like a bloke".
Alot of the girls admitted that most of the time when thay had sex they were "taking one for the team".

Ah well now that is grim. I too think physical intimacy is one of the main cornerstones of a relationship - not porn-like sex in 100 positions with her screaming the house down, just really enjoying physical closeness and being relaxed and comfortable.

Xiney

I think that the attitudes towards sex that you are describing have less to do with their chosen form of contraception and more to do with the culture in which they were raised - I've never heard anyone in Canada refer to sex in the words you are describing, pill takers or not.

Apres Moi

I've just come off the pill after 9-odd years on it. I took 3 different brands in that time; the first was microgynon, gave me every side effect going. Then I tried mercilon. Much better, but it gradually and insidiously killed off my sex drive. It took maybe 6 months to do so and at the time, I didn't even notice. It was only when my relationship hit breaking point and the issue of my total lack of libido came up in a fight that I made the connection that it could be the pill.

I changed to cilest which was infinitely better. However, I've just come off the pill altogether and I didn't realise how much even cilest was affecting me. Cilest allowed me *some* sex drive which was better than the previous 'almost none', but now without the pill, it's ragingly high.

In a horrible irony, however, the reason I came off the pill was that I happened to be at the end of a prescription when my long-term boyfriend broke up with me and there didn't seem to be much point in renewing it, so now I'm "all dressed up with nowhere to go", if you catch my drift (hee, unnecessary euphemisms make things sound dirtier) :pac:

But that's a story for another board.

In any case, I will be having chats with all my pill-taking friends about having a break from it for a while and seeing how they feel. I think now if you've been on the pill for several years, you should definitely have a test break to assess how it's affecting you without you realising.

Emme

Dudess wrote: »

Ah well now that is grim. I too think physical intimacy is one of the main cornerstones of a relationship - not porn-like sex in 100 positions with her screaming the house down, just really enjoying physical closeness and being relaxed and comfortable.

I agree, but the emphasis doesn't seem to be on intimacy these days at all. Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy in a relationship. I think that porn can hinder people's ability to be intimate. It's like an insidious drug that numbs people from the waist up. Nowadays porn is more accessible than ever and popular culture is extremely sexualised. Young girls feel that they have to emulate porn stars and gratify men at all costs - you get 13 year olds wanting to know how to give the perfect blow job! :eek:

There's a world of difference between sex with someone you've just met when you're both drunk and sex with a long term partner in a mutually loving respectful relationship. Condoms aren't as conducive to spontaneity as the pill and that's the good of being on the pill in a relationship if it suits you. I don't know if you can still get non-hormonal contraceptives like the diaphragm now, it's a bit tricky putting it in but it worked for me back in the day.

If you're not in an established relationship condoms are a must regardless of whether you're on the pill or not. It's too risky otherwise.

It's ironic that something that makes women more sexually accessible to men by taking away the risk of pregnancy deadens some women's sex drives and impairs their ability to enjoy sex. Then condoms aren't ideal for men so what's the solution?

Jinxi

Xiney wrote: »

I think that the attitudes towards sex that you are describing have less to do with their chosen form of contraception and more to do with the culture in which they were raised - I've never heard anyone in Canada refer to sex in the words you are describing, pill takers or not.

I did consider this. I agree there is a definite link in how people are brought up in Ireland. But I have the same roundabout background. My mother was a bit of an equalist (feminist is almost a dirty word these days), but we all went to college together and would have had these conversations for years. They aren't stuffy about talking and having sex. These new opinions seem to have happened in the last few years.

As for the quality of sex in relationships...thats a different thread. From what I gathered all the girls were happy with the quality before the lack of libido. IMHO, if the quality of sex isn't good relationships tend not to become long-term...

Sex is not the be-all and end-all of a relationship...when its good. When there is something wrong with that part it becomes alot more important

Emme

Jinxi wrote: »

I did consider this. I agree there is a definite link in how people are brought up in Ireland. But I have the same roundabout background. My mother was a bit of an equalist (feminist is almost a dirty word these days), but we all went to college together and would have had these conversations for years. They aren't stuffy about talking and having sex. These new opinions seem to have happenedin the last few years.

In Ireland we moved very quickly from being a sexually repressed society to being very sexualised. Throw alcohol and free credit into the equation and you get chaos. Despite people having one night stands left right and centre, we still have to come to terms with our attitudes towards sex in Ireland. We literally went from no sex before marriage to mad alcohol and coke fuelled sex binges with little or no emotional connection or intimacy between the genders in either case. As a nation our sexual mores have changed, but we still have the same problems with emotional connection, communication and intimacy as we did in the 1950s (not that I was around then or anything )

Kooli

Jinxi wrote: »

If let to its own devises, most womens bodies become receptive to sex intensely around the middle of their cycle, and alot of women find that they natuarlly want sex more around this time. For some women its the only time they want sex. The hormoneal contraceptivesfool your body into thinking it is pregnant all the time, hence the drop in libido.

I never "let my partner have me" no matter how much I love him. Even the way this is phrased shows how complacent women have let themselves become when it comes to sex.
When I have sex its because I'm (for lack of a better word) horny

I'm not sure what you're saying the alternative is?

If a woman doesn't want to get pregnant and doesn't like condoms, then hormonal contraceptives are pretty much the best option.

And if a woman has a low sex drive but wants to have sex with her partner (because sex is important) then of course sometimes there will be an element of 'taking one for the team'.

And I don't see what them being educated has to do with it either? What point is that you think they are missing? What should these women be doing?

Millie

This thread is really good timing as I am going to my GP on Friday to change from my current pill.
I have only been on the pill for the past year (had about 5 years of a break prior to this) and in the past few months my libido has gone down the drain.

My beau hasn't commented but I have mentioned to him that I do feel it is unusual for me to be in the mood for the past while.

Jinxi

Kooli wrote: »

I'm not sure what you're saying the alternative is?

If a woman doesn't want to get pregnant and doesn't like condoms, then hormonal contraceptives are pretty much the best option.

And if a woman has a low sex drive but wants to have sex with her partner (because sex is important) then of course sometimes there will be an element of 'taking one for the team'.

And I don't see what them being educated has to do with it either? What point is that you think they are missing? What should these women be doing?

I was just suprised about the "shrugging shoulders" attitude about it.
The educated thing was just a point that they have past history in being able to research topics.
I was not looking to solve their problems...this is a discussion forum but there are many barrier/non-hormonal forms of contracpetive.
The taking one for the team thing really bums me out:(

Kooli

Jinxi wrote: »

I was just suprised about the "shrugging shoulders" attitude about it.
The educated thing was just a point that they have past history in being able to research topics.
I was not looking to solve their problems...this is a discussion forum but there are many barrier/non-hormonal forms of contracpetive.
The taking one for the team thing really bums me out:(

I know but the 'shrugging shoulders' attitude is understandable if there is no other option, so I was wondering if you had an idea about another option. Research skills don't help if there are actually no alternatives apart from pregnancy!

I feel totally trapped by the contraception/libido issue, and can't wait till the day when I come off the pill to try and conceive (I'll be hoping it doesn't happen too quickly!) but until then there's not a lot of choice.

SeekUp

This is kind of interesting to me, as I've been on the pill for ages -- and switched brands a couple of times -- and I don't feel that it's altered my want for sex at all. I often want it more than my partner.

Regarding the "shrugging shoulders" thing, I'd guess most people in long-term/long-lasting relationships have had sex when they weren't really into it, whether they were tired or moody or whatever it was. And I'm not talking about being forced into it, before anyone gets defensive! -- just a kind of "sex? meh, fine." Although I think there's a difference between "taking one for the team" because you don't really feel like it every now and again and "taking one for the team" because you never want sex and don't know why/don't care to pay attention to the cause of it.

Dudess

Jinxi wrote: »

Sex is not the be-all and end-all of a relationship...when its good. When there is something wrong with that part it becomes alot more important

Yep. If sex becomes a chore (which seems to be the case for the women you're talking about), if you're no longer comfortable/relaxed getting physically intimate with each other (again, not talking kamasutra type stuff here, or shagging a few times a day every day, or spontaneously jumping each other in the middle of doing the wash-up)... time to address it by talking it through. If you feel you can't talk about it, alarm bells. Indeed sex is not the only important aspect of a relationship, but physical intimacy (which is closely linked with emotional intimacy) is a very important part IMO.

shellyboo

Jinxi wrote: »

Thats actually whats kind of sad! The pill was meant to liberate women from unwanted pregnancies and give them control over their own bodies.
But it seems that women are happy to sacrifice their right to enjoy a sex life, feeding into the archaeic veiw that women don't really enjoy sex. Indeed some of the girls I was talking to were shocked to hear that not only do I enjoy it, but have a higher libido than my partner(i stoped taking all forms of chemical contraceptive 5 years ago due to the same side effects mentioned above). They refered to me "wanting sex like a bloke".
Alot of the girls admitted that most of the time when thay had sex they were "taking one for the team". These are highly educated women in their twenties?

I think that's less to do with the pill, or lack of choice and more to do with their attitudes, like I mentioned above. Sex was good when their libido was high, but they're not bothered about having less sex than that. It's not a big deal to them.

It's exactly as you said - they're happy to sacrifice their sex life. To me, that's sad... but that's their choice. It's not a priority for them. I don't see how their education comes into it. It's a choice they're making.

Jinxi

shellyboo wrote: »

It's a choice they're making.

I wonder if it is a choice? If as many have said they don't feel there is an alternative, and if the very nature of a low libio is a lack of interest in the whole subject, then is it a clear, freely thought choice?
. One of the girl was only really upset because of her partners reaction, not necessarily her own want for physical imtimacy.
As for alternatives--- there is a whole thread on this for that, but my partner and I have tried a diaphragm with spermicide(a bit of a passion killer and a slippery bugger when drunk!), condom(expensive), NUVA ring( excellent but again expensive and eventually same side effects as pill). I have a mega regualr cycle and am fairly in tune with my body so we have been sucessfully using rhythm/ withdrawl method for about 6 years.

Ickle Magoo

It's a choice by virtue of their lack of effort to change the status quo, no?

I would imagine there is a sizeable percentage of women who would be down the doc's within a matter of weeks if their libido started drifting - but we all know women who roll their eyes at the very thought of having to "let" their partner have sex with them on the one shag a year they allow. They view it as unpleasant and a chore, that doesn't strike me as being very much to do with hormone imbalance and much more to to with the psychology of these women and their societally driven views regarding sex...

goose2005

Emme wrote: »

Are women supposed to want sex all the time anyway? It's not an issue for me as I'm not in a relationship and I don't like one night stands, but I thought that sex should be a part of a good relationship but not the whole of it. There's too much emphasis on sex for the sake of itself and not the other things that make a relationship such as empathy, companionship, mutual support and of course love.

Fact is, if you're with a man, and you're refusing sex to him regularly, he's not going to feel empathy, companionship, mutual support, or love.

Raze_them_all wrote: »

As a guy I can freely admit I'd be terrible at this, I'd say most guys would be, Cut to the weekend, firing the weeks worth in at once. I always have condoms, even if a girl says "it's ok I'm on the pill" I'll still use them.

Yes, because all men are incompetent idiots incapable of adhering to a simple medical regimen.:rolleyes: