Posting on boards breaks up 4 year relationship!

LegacyUser

Can i get peoples opinion on this please, for the past couple of says i've been getting the silent treatment to say the least. Today my girlfriend of 4 years tells me we're finished and she's moving out because of some deep dark secret she's uncovered. Que lots of grovelling and swearing blind i've done nothing wrong and this is what comes out. She's read over my previous posts on boards and has found a jokey reference i made to liking casual sex, also a post where i said a girl i worked with has beautiful eyes, and something about someone else being sexy also.
She feels saying something like that on an internet forum is tantamount to having an affair or at the very least proves i want to and probably have had. She says i've made a show of her by posting these things. To say i'm amazed at her attitude is an enormous understatement, i can't believe anyone would up and leave a partner they love because of this.
She wouldn't be the type to have another man, i'm reasonably sure of that and she is prone to insecurity, but does anybody believe this could be the real reason? Bearing in mind we aren't teenagers or anything like it, we are both in our thirties.
In my opinion it's a total non issue, if the roles were reversed i wouldn't even comment to her, let alone leave her. Am i seeing things wrong. Does she have a point?

Gophur

Good riddance to her if she's that insecure/shallow.

You're better off without having that kind of emotional ankle chain to drag you down.

LegacyUser

I think it's weird that she was breaking up with you and moving out without even discussing your posts with you first. It's a very extreme reaction.
Ask her is there something else going on, because what you've done (ie nothing) does not warrant such a response

Cheap Thrills!

She says i've made a show of her by posting these things.

:eek:

But, I know we are not anonymous here but unless you are giving a lot of specific detail about yourself then who would know or care ....?

Does she understand the nature of message boards.....?

I have to say I am REALLY smelling a rat here, its like as if she wants to break up with you but is stuck for a reason so has made up one.......a very poor excuse for one......Jeeeezus!

There MUST be more to this than meets the eye...

Barracudaincork

IMO:

Drama queen exit stage left
Mature adult enter stage right

I cant believe she came up with stuff like that OP, i really have to ask did you have to stiffle laughter?

Maybe that is the reason she broke up with you, who knows, she really seems to immature to either tell you the truth or to not get upset over something like this.

pookie82

She's over reacting yes, but I can't imagine it would be nice to read your OH commenting on the sexiness of women in his workplace and casual sex online. I'd be pretty unimpressed by my OH doing that. If it's annonymous it wouldn't be a matter of "showing me up" but I would feel like he was using the annonymity to perhaps reveal his real thoughts on things. However, she should have discussed it with you first like a rational adult instead of giving you silent treatment and then breaking it off. Her feeling hurt isn't too much of a stretch, but her manner of dealing with it is.

Taltos

OP

you are lucky. At least you found out now before you waste another FOUR years of your life that your OH is a little bit unstable.

She must have been searching for some no any excuse to dump you so that it was all your fault and she was the poor hurt little victim in all this. What is the bets that before going onto Boards she had trawled dating sites, had checked your phone texts, had checked your email for anything - any little hint that you were being unfaithful.

Chances are she was - and got paranoid that you were too. Come on - dumping you over anonymous posting on Boards - where you admitted that you are human and found someone else attractive. Big whoop. My OH is comfortable in our relationship to admit to me that she finds Robert Downey Jr gorgeous - does this mean I have to dump her too???

Come off it - you had a lucky escape.
At best - she is unstable and needs some help.
At worst - she is a cheater and you've been pwnded.

Either way - lucky lucky you...

stackerman

Gophur wrote: »

Good riddance to her if she's that insecure/shallow.

You're better off without having that kind of emotional ankle chain to drag you down.

Couldnt have put it better !!

thebiggestjim

sounds like she was just looking for an excuse to end it.

Ickle Magoo

I'm skeptical that is her real reason, why would she be trawling through all your posts on boards? Unless she was looking for something.

She clearly knows your ID, you haven't hidden your posts so how on earth could she think a couple of lines in anonymous posts that she could look up at any time, is tantamount to cheating?!

I think she's either so incredibly insecure that you speaking about finding other women attractive or even diverting time from her to post is causing her issues to the point she can't see straight, in which case you are well rid.

Or she's looking for a reason to finish things that means you can be the bad guy and she can be the victim, in which case you are well rid.

Sorry.

LegacyUser

Can i ask you question,any other people on here who know who yous are? Because sometimes other people point out things and make it look worse than it is.ANd could be stiring stuff. Just an idea.

If not then she may be just feeling a bit vulnerable or insecure for some reason and the posts she found made her feel worse.
Loads of reasons that don't have to be sinister and her trying to split from you.
I hope you two sort things out four years is a long time.
Only one person you can really ask why and how come she is feeling like that is her.
Best of luck hope things work out.

pookie82

Taltos wrote: »

OP

My OH is comfortable in our relationship to admit to me that she finds Robert Downey Jr gorgeous - does this mean I have to dump her too???

Just for the record, there's a big difference in professing that you're attracted to an unattainable movie star and the girl who sits next to you at work.

Doesn't sound to me like she was looking for an excuse to dump you, she just sounds really insecure and has obviously stewed silently over some innocent comments and blown them out of proportion in her own head. Her unwillingness to discuss it with you like an adult before dumping you would be my biggest concern, not her feeling hurt. I can tell you honestly now that if I saw my OH posting about some hot girl he worked with I wouldn't like it, it doesn't matter how many people on here say it should be otherwise. But I wouldn't dump him over it either without talking it out.

LegacyUser

Op here, sorry for delay, was away from computer for the weekend. Thanks for the replys, i appreciate them. Situation gas calmed down, to be honest i thinks it is just bad insecurity. I try to explain that only she can fix that but it's a mindset she just doesn;t share at present and seems to think it's my job to make her feel better about herself, i do try to do this but it's just draining to have to do it all the time. Apart from that, she's actually great so i do hope things work out, i don't know. Time will tell i suppose. Thanks again

Barracudaincork

op here wrote: »

seems to think it's my job to make her feel better about herself

Its not your job at all, in any shape or form!

It is your job to make sure you dont make her feel worse about herself, but her own self worth has to come from her. You will be travelling down a very hard road with someone who believes otherwise and I for one would not travel it, again!

Elle Collins

pookie82 wrote: »

Just for the record, there's a big difference in professing that you're attracted to an unattainable movie star and the girl who sits next to you at work.

+ 1

I wouldn't expect any woman to be happy on discovering her partner has been professing his attraction for other women all over the internet where any ramdomer can read about it - not if she has any respect for herself anyway.

As to her having left him over it, I suspect there's more to the story here. I reckon it's most likely not the first time this woman felt 'made a show of' in this relationship. These sound more like the actions of a woman responding to a case of 'the last straw' to me.

Barracudaincork

Elle Collins wrote: »

I wouldn't expect any woman to be happy on discovering her partner has been professing his attraction for other women all over the internet where any ramdomer can read about it - not if she has any respect for herself anyway.

Not all women are insecure and therefore i would expect to find women who dont care less about this. A women would have to be very niave to think that when a man is in a relationship he stops finding others attractive (and visa versa), the line is crossed if they act on the attraction. That is what sorts the men from the boys, not the looking!

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Not all women are insecure and therefore i would expect to find women who dont care less about this. A women would have to be very niave to think that when a man is in a relationship he stops finding others attractive (and visa versa), the line is crossed if they act on the attraction. That is what sorts the men from the boys, not the looking!

I don't think it's insecure to be upset when your boyfriend is talking about other women on the net. His girlfriend is only human. She shouldn't have walked out without discussing it with him first however.

Both men and women would have to be very naive to think that their partners don't find other people attractive. On the same line of thinking, both men and women would have to be very naive to think they can talk about other men/women being attractive without their partners getting upset.

I believe that understanding your partners needs and being aware if you've hurt them is what sorts the men from the boys. Keeping your d*ck in your pants and expecting a pat on the back for doing so does not a man make. Well not since cave dweller times.

pookie82

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Not all women are insecure and therefore i would expect to find women who dont care less about this. A women would have to be very niave to think that when a man is in a relationship he stops finding others attractive (and visa versa), the line is crossed if they act on the attraction. That is what sorts the men from the boys, not the looking!

While it's very PC to feel unthreatened and blase about your OH fancying someone else because it's human nature, in reality most women are hurt by it, particularly if it's someone in "real life" as opposed to a movie star (the latter doesn't really count). I've been in situations where I'm not a naturally insecure person but someone's actions have made me that way. I'm not sure which came first for the OP's GF, her own insecurity, or his actions heightening/prompting those insecurities. But I find it offensive to say that being hurt by these actions makes the girl the one with the problem. If he fancies someone else or finds her attractive, fine, but have the manners to keep it to yourself if you're in a 4 year relationship and grow up a bit.

pookie82

op here wrote: »

Op here, sorry for delay, was away from computer for the weekend. Thanks for the replys, i appreciate them. Situation gas calmed down, to be honest i thinks it is just bad insecurity. I try to explain that only she can fix that but it's a mindset she just doesn;t share at present and seems to think it's my job to make her feel better about herself, i do try to do this but it's just draining to have to do it all the time. Apart from that, she's actually great so i do hope things work out, i don't know. Time will tell i suppose. Thanks again

Her own insecurities or otherwise are something she'll have to work on, but not in a vacuum. While it's by no means your exclusive job to boost her self esteem, you could try helping her by reminding her that what you posted meant nothing/was stupid/you love her etc.

If someone's confidence had taken a knock (and mine would have, reading that you found someone in work was hot or had beautiful eyes, etc) and you're the reason, you should probably at least try to help her out of it. I know lots of people on here think it's insane to be hurt by such remarks but think about the situation in reverse. Would you honestly shrug off her commenting about hot guys at work and loving casual sex whilst in a 4 year relationship? Really and truly?

This all depends though on what came first, her insecurity or your internet remarks.

Barracudaincork

pookie82 wrote: »

While it's very PC to feel unthreatened and blase about your OH fancying someone else because it's human nature, in reality most women are hurt by it, particularly if it's someone in "real life" as opposed to a movie star (the latter doesn't really count).

I take it you dont think that it is in anyones human nature to find others attractive when coupled up? Have you never once been asked by a friend while you were in a relationship do you think such and such is good looking? If you were asked, did you clearly state that you could no longer judge someones looks as you are now in a relationship and therefore cant see attractiveness in people anymore?

If someone is secure in themselves a comment on facebook shouldnt rock the boat. Security does make a difference, if you take financial security even, a financially secure person doesnt worry about the gas bill coming ever 2 months, while a financially insecure person would.

You either worry about something or you dont, and thats the level of security or insecurity you have. So its not PC to say you dont, its just a matter of fact if you do or dont.

pookie82

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I take it you dont think that it is in anyones human nature to find others attractive when coupled up? Have you never once been asked by a friend while you were in a relationship do you think such and such is good looking? If you were asked, did you clearly state that you could no longer judge someones looks as you are now in a relationship and therefore cant see attractiveness in people anymore?

.

Read my posts again. I didn't say it wasn't natural to be attracted to others while in a relationship. My problem is the idea that it's UNNATURAL to be upset about it if your OH posts/talks about it like a 12 year old and you find out.

Big difference.

I realise its human nature to find other people attractive, relationship or not. But posting about it on an internet forum his OH reads is bad manners and hurtful IMO. Some posters on here are acting like she's a psycho and he should run for the hills. Yes her reaction was over the top, but it's not a crime to feel hurt by what he did. He should take some responsibility for his actions too and by that I don't mean being attracted to other women, I mean talking about it where she's likely to see it and be hurt.

pookie82

unregistered28 wrote: »

On the same line of thinking, both men and women would have to be very naive to think they can talk about other men/women being attractive without their partners getting upset.

I believe that understanding your partners needs and being aware if you've hurt them is what sorts the men from the boys. Keeping your d*ck in your pants and expecting a pat on the back for doing so does not a man make. Well not since cave dweller times.

Very well said.

Barracudaincork

pookie82 wrote: »

My problem is the idea that it's UNNATURAL to be upset about it if your OH posts/talks about it like a 12 year old and you find out.

I have no problem with someone being upset, but i have a problem with people not dealing with their own insecurities or acting on those insecurities. Most 12 year old dont talk about casual sex etc but i get your point, however he did it anon and it was a jokey comment as he said. IMO only a insecure person would get upset over that.

pookie82 wrote: »

I realise its human nature to find other people attractive, relationship or not. But posting about it on an internet forum his OH reads is bad manners and hurtful IMO. Some posters on here are acting like she's a psycho and he should run for the hills. Yes her reaction was over the top, but it's not a crime to feel hurt by what he did.

She said it was like cheating and acted the way she did, that is psychotic behaviour in laymans terms and he should run for the hills. The crime does not fit the punishment IMO. Also she went snooping on boards, not that she reads boards, hence her big secret comment.

Barracudaincork

unregistered28 wrote: »

I believe that understanding your partners needs and being aware if you've hurt them is what sorts the men from the boys. Keeping your d*ck in your pants and expecting a pat on the back for doing so does not a man make. Well not since cave dweller times.

Or not getting upset over like this sorts the women from the girls? Do you think a man would react the same way?

Being aware that someone gets upset and pandering to someones insecurities are two different things, and that is what really seperates the men from the boys!

Also your comment goes for women, women who find men attractive shouldnt get a pat on the back for keeping their legs closed

pookie82

Barracudaincork wrote: »

however he did it anon and it was a jokey comment as he said. IMO only a insecure person would get upset over that.

.

I see your point but it sounds to me like there was more than one comment - one was about casual sex and another was about a sexy girl at work and beautiful eyes or something.... One jokey comment might be ok but if my OH was frequently posting about other women and casual sex I wouldn't be impressed, I'd be hurt. We would need to see the posts to understand context fully but a "jokey" comment to him might appear very hurtful to her.

Also, I think he referred to a "deep dark secret" because she was holding out on telling him what was wrong, not because she was snooping. I didn't get the impression she wasn't a regular boards user/reader - in any case she obviously knew his username so he had to know there was a chance she'd read these things.

I think everyone agrees that her resulting actions were over the top and uncalled for. But I'm just trying to explain that getting hurt by things like this is not a crime and it doesn't make you a psycho. I guess what I'm trying to say is that despite what's considered rational and normal - i.e. your partner fancying someone else/finding them attractive - it's still not nice to read them talking about it!

Elle Collins

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Not all women are insecure and therefore i would expect to find women who dont care less about this. A women would have to be very niave to think that when a man is in a relationship he stops finding others attractive (and visa versa), the line is crossed if they act on the attraction. That is what sorts the men from the boys, not the looking!

You're missing the point. It's not about his finding other women attractive - it's about him advertising the fact in the most public way possible.

ilovetosing

Interesting thread. Have to agree with Barracudaincork! Others have said there is more than meets the eye in this situation but his point about her being insecure is Sound because if she is in a stable loving relationship and she knows this and is confident in the relationship then she has no need to worry or blow out of proportion some stupid harmless comments about other girls or what not! My OH and I both make comments about other people and if they are good looking or not and they work with us! I dont feel so insecure that I should start an argument!

There is no doubt in my mind that if I myself read comments from my OH that were of similar nature to those of the OP's then I wouldn't bat an eyelid! Somehow I doubt I am alone in that opinion too :rolleyes:

reprazant

unregistered28 wrote: »

I believe that understanding your partners needs and being aware if you've hurt them is what sorts the men from the boys. Keeping your d*ck in your pants and expecting a pat on the back for doing so does not a man make. Well not since cave dweller times.

I'm sorry but where exactly did he ask for a pat on the back for not doing the dirt on his girl friend?

Elle Collins wrote: »

You're missing the point. It's not about his finding other women attractive - it's about him advertising the fact in the most public way possible.

Posting on a anonymous forum is the most public way possible?

Barracudaincork

pookie82 wrote: »

I see your point but it sounds to me like there was more than one comment - one was about casual sex and another was about a sexy girl at work and beautiful eyes or something.... One jokey comment might be ok but if my OH was frequently posting about other women and casual sex I wouldn't be impressed, I'd be hurt. We would need to see the posts to understand context fully but a "jokey" comment to him might appear very hurtful to her.

Agreed we would have to see the posts to determine if they were jokey or not.

pookie82 wrote: »

Also, I think he referred to a "deep dark secret" because she was holding out on telling him what was wrong, not because she was snooping. I didn't get the impression she wasn't a regular boards user/reader - in any case she obviously knew his username so he had to know there was a chance she'd read these things.

The OP said:

adcdefg wrote: »

Today my girlfriend of 4 years tells me we're finished and she's moving out because of some deep dark secret she's uncovered.

You dont refer to something you are holding out on as a "deep dark secret you have uncovered", you would of already been aware of the secret. So really neither of us know if there was or wasnt a chance she could see them, but that is as i am sure you would agree besides the point.

pookie82 wrote: »

I think everyone agrees that her resulting actions were over the top and uncalled for. But I'm just trying to explain that getting hurt by things like this is not a crime and it doesn't make you a psycho. I guess what I'm trying to say is that despite what's considered rational and normal - i.e. your partner fancying someone else/finding them attractive - it's still not nice to read them talking about it!

I agree its not a crime and i agree with you that it might not be nice to see read them talk about, but the level of how upset someone can get over this issue (or any issue) has to do with their level of insecurity, and not always their OH actions. Which is what more my points were about kinda thing.

Elle Collins wrote: »

You're missing the point. It's not about his finding other women attractive - it's about him advertising the fact in the most public way possible.

How is posting on a anon site the most public way possible? Posting on FB is public, a tattoo across your forehead is public etc but anon postings on boards isnt public, thats the beauty of boards

Barracudaincork

reprazant wrote: »

I'm sorry but where exactly did he ask for a pat on the back for not doing the dirt on his girl friend?

He didnt, that poster was repling to my comments, not the OP's.

Elle Collins

Barracudaincork wrote: »

How is posting on a anon site the most public way possible?

You can base the public/private aspect of it on the fact that the users real idenity is not broadcasted if you like, but you can equally base it on who the comments are read by, which in this case is all and sundry.

It doesn't actually matter what you or I or anyone else thinks about this. The OP's partner has stated she feels 'made a show of'. I think rather than justifying himself and excusing his actions by labelling his partner 'insecure' the OP ought to cop on and realise that in the interests of his relationship and of respecting his partner his private desires are best kept to himself and not shared with any stranger who cares to read about them.

Barracudaincork

Elle Collins wrote: »

You can base the public/private aspect of it on the fact that the users real idenity is not broadcasted if you like, but you can equally base it on who the comments are read by, which in this case is all and sundry.

Yes all and sundry reading a post on someone they dont know about someone they dont know. Just like you reading my posts now, you cant tell who i am etc and you are a stranger who more than likely wouldnt care if i like casual sex or not. The non public part comes into play when its an anon posting by someone you dont know, about someone you dont know. Facebook etc would be different, thats public.

The Op wasnt made a show of, nobody she knows are aware of it etc her reaction (no matter how hurt she felt) was not warrented.

Elle Collins

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Just like you reading my posts now, you cant tell who i am etc and you are a stranger who more than likely wouldnt care if i like casual sex or not.

That's true, because I don't know you. But if you were my partner posting about your penchant for casual sex and your co-workers sexy eyes it'd be a different story - I would care about what you had to say very much indeed.

reprazant

Elle Collins wrote: »

That's true, because I don't know you. But if you were my partner posting about your penchant for casual sex and your co-workers sexy eyes it'd be a different story - I would care about what you had to say very much indeed.

How do you know that neither Barracudaincork or I is your partner?

You have no idea who we are.

Barracudaincork

adcdefg wrote: »

She's read over my previous posts on boards and has found a jokey reference i made to liking casual sex, also a post where i said a girl i worked with has beautiful eyes, and something about someone else being sexy also.

What he wrote above.

Elle Collins wrote: »

That's true, because I don't know you. But if you were my partner posting about your penchant for casual sex and your co-workers sexy eyes it'd be a different story - I would care about what you had to say very much indeed.

He said he liked casual sex he didnt say it was a penchant for casual sex, he said the girls in work had beautiful eyes not sexy, he said someone else was sexy.

As a matter of interest would you think a married make up artist on the set of Eiljah Woods new movie but out of order if she said he had lovely eyes? Yes granted he is a movie star, but one that is attenable to her.

Elle Collins

reprazant wrote: »

How do you know that neither Barracudaincork or I is your partner?

You have no idea who we are.

My partner has never posted here, so I know who you're not.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

If I were in your gf's situation I would feel hurt too. If I saw my OH posting here (he is a boardsy) that he fancied a girl in work and that he likes casual sex then I would be very pissed at him. It's just disrespectful and saying you fancy someone you work with would piss me off no end.

I would consider myself very secure and our relationship is solid so it's not something that's likely to happen but if it did I'd be worried and hurt. I'd say the best thing you can do is buy her some flowers and give her a sincere apology for being stupid and thoughtless.

Best of luck.

Elle Collins

Barracudaincork wrote: »

As a matter of interest would you think a married make up artist on the set of Eiljah Woods new movie but out of order if she said he had lovely eyes? Yes granted he is a movie star, but one that is attenable to her.

Attainable how? Anyway, that's a whole other conversation.

There's a big difference in someone one-time mentioning someone has lovely eyes and a scenario where a partner repetitively talks all over the internet about beautiful eyes/sexy women/casual sex. Come on.

I'd love to see the OP's partner contribute to this thread. I'd bet my life that in no way is this the first time they've had a problem of this kind. Several other posters have pointed out that the girls actions here were over the top. If this was an isolated thing I'd agree with them, but by the sounds of it she has a pain in her arse with his leering after other women.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Or not getting upset over like this sorts the women from the girls? Do you think a man would react the same way?

Being aware that someone gets upset and pandering to someones insecurities are two different things, and that is what really seperates the men from the boys!

Also your comment goes for women, women who find men attractive shouldnt get a pat on the back for keeping their legs closed

Well I'm glad you agree that keeping your di*k in your pants doesn't equate to being a man.

The OP and his girlfriend are with each other four years. It's possible to sort it out without going down the road of arguing that 'she shouldn't be upset'. If she's upset, she's upset. And it's also possible to sort it out without her leaving (she's no saint either)

With regard to your last charming comment, did I make a statement anyhwere that one sorts the women from the girls by figuring out who keeps their legs closed? I would assume that would be a misogynistic view considering how women who sleep around are labelled sluts, while men who sleep around are labelled studs (by men themselves)

LegacyUser

Op here, again thanks for the replys, i'm not ignoring your answers i'm just sitting back to allow the debate develop without me influencing it too much. I'm not here to defend myself, i don't believe i've done anything wrong, nor am i here to put down the other party, although i really don't see their point. Just to clear up a few points, i didn't say i liked casual sex, particularly not when in a relationship, i made a JOKE about it. Also i didn't say i fancied anyone i worked with, just that they had beautiful eyes. I could see the point if my posts where along the lines of , jesus i work with this sex bomb and i can't wait to get her into bed, but it wasn't anything like that, it was a throw away comment and i don't believe posts made anonomously on an internet forum should be dredged up and used in evidence against you well after the fact.

I agree that one partner going on about the sexiness of someone they know could be hurtfull, personally it wouldn't bother me, but i'm not naive enough to believe everyone is like that, or should be. But the fact remains that these comments were in the context of larger discussions on boards and weren't meant for her eyes or ears. I didn't run home from work screaming "you wouldn't believe the eyes on this girl in work" that would be just stupid. Nor did i come home and over dinner blurt out, "you know what i love?....casual sex!".

These were throw away comments that should have been left in the past, similar to a pub conversation. They certainly weren't meant to be legally binding in any way, or an insight in my deepest darkest desires recorded for all posterity.

There is an old saying that goes, "if you can't handle the answer, dont ask the question"
and that should apply here, you shouldn't be snooping if you can't handle things like this. It is human nature to be attracted to people, relationship status has no effect whatsoever. I didn't rub this in her face, she done that to herself. I'm sure she thinks many people are drop dead gorgeous, but if i was to snoop around on facebook or read her diary or whatever, and seen something written to this effect, i would not have any right to throw a tantrum cos i found. That's just nonsense. It's not like she found out i was a swinger, or was visiting hookers or something. I know a girl with nice eyes, and i said it to a group of strangers using a fake name to identify myself........so what???

No, i'm sorry. That's not an issue.

LegacyUser

op here wrote: »

There is an old saying that goes, "if you can't handle the answer, dont ask the question"
and that should apply here, you shouldn't be snooping if you can't handle things like this. It is human nature to be attracted to people, relationship status has no effect whatsoever. I didn't rub this in her face, she done that to herself. I'm sure she thinks many people are drop dead gorgeous, but if i was to snoop around on facebook or read her diary or whatever, and seen something written to this effect, i would not have any right to throw a tantrum cos i found. That's just nonsense. It's not like she found out i was a swinger, or was visiting hookers or something. I know a girl with nice eyes, and i said it to a group of strangers using a fake name to identify myself........so what???

I don't think it's as cut and dry as you've summed it up to be OP. Unless you've evidence to suggest that your girlfriend is an overly insecure person I wouldn't put it down to the fact that it is jealousy and only her problem as you seem to have assumed.

You posted in a public forum, not a private diary. She didn't invade your privacy and "snoop" on you. Your GF knows your username so it obviously isn't totally anonymous, how many other people could know it? So from your GF's point of view you advertised the fact that you think your colleague is hot. You may as well have shouted it from the rooftops. Quite frankly it would be really embarrassing for her if people know now, or figured out in the future who you are.

Secondly leading on from that point, why shouldn't your GF have a right to know all the sides to the person she is in a relationship with? Why do you share this part of yourself with strangers on a forum and not her? This secrecy could be construed as sneaking around, I can understand why she could hurt by that.

And thirdly, maybe it is the fact that she has seen this side to you and doesn't like it. It's possible that she's seen this side of you and doesn't like it. It might not be that she can't handle the answer, maybe it's as simple as she's realised you don't live up to her moral standards and she no longer sees a future with you.

Barracudaincork

unregistered28 wrote: »

With regard to your last charming comment, did I make a statement anyhwere that one sorts the women from the girls by figuring out who keeps their legs closed? I would assume that would be a misogynistic view considering how women who sleep around are labelled sluts, while men who sleep around are labelled studs (by men themselves)

How is my comment less charming than yours?

Also you dont have to have said it for me to make that comment, i can come up with comments a new, they dont have to be quotes from other people.

I have never called a man who sleeps around a stud nor a woman who sleeps around a slut and i really dont know many men who would share your view point of them and what they say. I certainly dont know any misogynistic men who have or show a hatred and distrust of women.

Barracudaincork

OP a lot of people here are saying she knew your username, i couldnt see where you said she did so is this the case?

pookie82

Barracudaincork wrote: »

OP a lot of people here are saying she knew your username, i couldnt see where you said she did so is this the case?

Well that's what I assumed as he didn't say she went through his computer history or anything to find his posts. So I'm presuming until told otherwise that if she read his comments whilst not in his presence, she knew his username and searched his posts or something. Which in turn means that by posting such comments on an internet forum, he knew there was a substantial risk of her reading them (unless she somehow found his username without his knowledge).

LegacyUser

op here again, i would have spoken about boards at home over the past year or so that i've been on it, i never told her my username as such, not because it was a secret just because i never did, one day recently i was typing away and she asked what i was doing, i showed her the post i was writing and thought no more of it, as i said this wasn't a secret, like probably most people i use the same username and password for everything, all my pin codes are the same etc, i don't live like a secret agent with false identities left right and centre.
My take on things is this, yes it probably is a kick in the arse for some people to hear that their o/h finds someone else attractive, or even finds a particular feature attractive, i feel those people are being naive in the extreme to believe anything else in the first place, in fact i'd go so far as to say they are liars. Anybody who says "since i met you, i haven't ven looked at another man/woman" is lying, plain and simple. Speaking as a man i can say with 100% certainty there are 2 types of men who don't look at other women, blind men and gay men. Married men, engaged whatever are not a seperate species, people need to face facts, there are millions of sexy men / women in the world, they don't cease to exist because you fall in love with someone else.
I personally don't believe in cheating on a partner, i've never done it and i don't believe i ever will, but i've seen countless women and though "they're gorgeous". I assume any girlfriend i've had has done the same, frankly i'd think they were a bit odd if they didn't, that's more of an obsession than a relationship if you ask me.
For a relationship to work you need trust, trust is not built or strengthened by snooping, it is only ever weakened. Snooping is just wrong, end of story. I've done it myself on occasion so i know what it's like to do, but basically it is disrespectful of the other party, even if you find nothing, in fact especially if you find nothing. It's a vicous circle that can spiral quite quickly out of control. There are no guarantees with relationships, by snooping around "to protect yourself" what you are actually doing is short changing your partner by basically saying, you should believe what i tell you, but i'm going to require proof from you, how is that a partnership? That's a master/slave relationship and to me that's just not good enough. I'm not saying you should go around with your head in the sand, but if you look for problems you'll most likely find them, it's a self fulfilling prophecy. We aren't meant to know everything our partner thinks, that's why speaking makes noise but thinking doesn't!

Elle Collins

op here wrote: »

No, i'm sorry. That's not an issue.

It's not an issue for you but it's clearly a make or break issue for your partner. You haven't clarified if there's any truth to the charge that this might be a last-straw issue for her. Have your ever caused her to feel disrespected before?

Wibbs

Elle Collins wrote: »

It's not an issue for you but it's clearly a make or break issue for your partner. You haven't clarified if there's any truth to the charge that this might be a last-straw issue for her. Have your ever caused her to feel disrespected before?

+1. Unless shes overly sensitive then Id suspect more going on. Understandable she would be peed off, but to the degree you're saying? Then again could have just been a momentary explosion. She needed to get it out kinda thing, but if theres more going on time to figure out what or the next one could be permanent.

ilovetosing

Altho I understand what you two are sayin that yes its a problem for her I think the OP understands that and in his most recent post he has said he has absolutely nothing to hide!

What I think both of you are missing which has been pointed out and considering he has said on numerous occasions that he has never given her any reason to be suspect is that after seeing his user name when he showed her the post he talks about she went and obviously searched thru his posts to see what he was like or more so what his internet persona was like(If you do this you are looking for something bad and the smallest thing you find will become the biggest thing in your head)! These are the actions of someone who is generally insecure and its similar in nature to reading texts or whatever it may be! So with everything he has said and going on his word cause we cant go on hers, the assumption that she has a problem in herself is sound and I fail to see why so many people are in favour of his GF here given what we know.

Despite all that tho I understand why she would be a little upset and I would be too but only if I had reason to believe my OH was hiding something or whatever but given everything we know its not enough to finish things which leaves two conclusions really that we can base our opinions on!

1 Either the OP is not telling us the full truth and she indeed has a strong valid reason for doing what she did or
2 she is insecure and she has blown this way out of proportion because of her insecurities!!

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

You know what I think is the most telling part of this whole thread? You're with a girl you allegedly love for the last 4 years, she finds internet stuff in which you mention the beautiful eyes of a work colleauge and enjoying casual sex. This girl you allegedly love then gets very upset and breaks up with you.

And what do you do? You go on the internet and look for people to agree with you that you did nothing wrong? Are you actually in love with this girl and do you actually want to continue with the relationship? Because if you do love her and want to stay with her then everything we're saying is completely irrelevant, you can go to her accompanied the President of the Universe, with a declaration written by GOD that you did nothing wrong and it won't matter. Why? Because now she's visuallising you sitting in work staring at your work colleague's pretty eyes and thinking of casual sex.

I honestly think you've lost sight of what's important here. You might lose the woman you love because you think you're in the "right". There is no "right", the whole matter is completely subjective, obviously your gf is very hurt from what she read, telling her she's wrong to feel that way won't fix this. I think you need to figure out if you want to stay with her and go about making up for her feeling hurt instead of getting people to agree that you did nothing wrong because at the end of the day everyone might agree you did nothing wrong but being correct won't keep you company or stop you missing the woman you love.

So here's my advice again;

Buy her a big bunch of flowers, go to her and tell her you love her and that you're sorry and that you won't write anything like that on the internet ever again. That's what I'd do if I hurt my bf's feelings like this, (only I'd probably bring steak or a bacon sandwich instead of flowers )

If on the other hand you don't love her or want to be with her maybe print off this thread and show it to her, I'm sure your total lack of concern for her pain and upset will end this more definately than anything else you could possibly do.

Whatever you decide to do, best of luck.

Barracudaincork

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey OP,

You know what I think is the most telling part of this whole thread? You're with a girl you allegedly love for the last 4 years, she finds internet stuff in which you mention the beautiful eyes of a work colleauge and enjoying casual sex. This girl you allegedly love then gets very upset and breaks up with you.

And what do you do? You go on the internet and look for people to agree with you that you did nothing wrong? Are you actually in love with this girl and do you actually want to continue with the relationship? Because if you do love her and want to stay with her then everything we're saying is completely irrelevant, you can go to her accompanied the President of the Universe, with a declaration written by GOD that you did nothing wrong and it won't matter. Why? Because now she's visuallising you sitting in work staring at your work colleague's pretty eyes and thinking of casual sex.

I honestly think you've lost sight of what's important here. You might lose the woman you love because you think you're in the "right". There is no "right", the whole matter is completely subjective, obviously your gf is very hurt from what she read, telling her she's wrong to feel that way won't fix this. I think you need to figure out if you want to stay with her and go about making up for her feeling hurt instead of getting people to agree that you did nothing wrong because at the end of the day everyone might agree you did nothing wrong but being correct won't keep you company or stop you missing the woman you love.

So here's my advice again;

Buy her a big bunch of flowers, go to her and tell her you love her and that you're sorry and that you won't write anything like that on the internet ever again. That's what I'd do if I hurt my bf's feelings like this, (only I'd probably bring steak or a bacon sandwich instead of flowers )

If on the other hand you don't love her or want to be with her maybe print off this thread and show it to her, I'm sure your total lack of concern for her pain and upset will end this more definately than anything else you could possibly do.

Whatever you decide to do, best of luck.

If someone is thinking about their OH sitting in work staring at the girl with the beautiful eyes and thinking of casual sex, then that says a lot about their mental state. What normal person tortures themselves like that?

You seem to think the OP should say sorry etc and that the OH has done no wrong, snooping is wrong, confronting the person the way she did is wrong, breaking up with someone without talking to them is wrong, why are you so adament she is an angel and he is the devil?

He has every right to tell her he thinks she is wrong (just as much as she has every right to express how she feels), this whole pandering to OH needs and insecurities is crazy and not healthy. I have seen many a man pander to their girlfriends and at the end of the day they inevitabily break up, because you can never please someone you need to pander to.

You obviously dont believe what the OP says, and think there is more to this and you even question his love for her, yet strangely not her love for him and how she has treated him. Nor do you mention the pain and upset this treatment has caused the OP.

OP to answer all the people here who thinks this isnt a one-off or the first time, can you tell us if this has happened before between you both?

Barracudaincork

ilovetosing wrote: »

What I think both of you are missing which has been pointed out and considering he has said on numerous occasions that he has never given her any reason to be suspect is that after seeing his user name when he showed her the post he talks about she went and obviously searched thru his posts to see what he was like or more so what his internet persona was like(If you do this you are looking for something bad and the smallest thing you find will become the biggest thing in your head)! These are the actions of someone who is generally insecure and its similar in nature to reading texts or whatever it may be! So with everything he has said and going on his word cause we cant go on hers, the assumption that she has a problem in herself is sound and I fail to see why so many people are in favour of his GF here given what we know.

+1