Is my OH mean?

LegacyUser

Just wanted someone elses perspective on this as my mum made a comment earlier about my OH being "tight" which got me wondering...
We have lived together for years and always divided everything in half, bills, shopping, going out etc.
But we've recently had a baby and I'm on maternity leave which is fine as I'm still getting my full pay, but I'm taking 16 weeks unpaid leave to be with my son as I don't want to put him into a creche and my OH agrees. The thing is he earns at least double my wages every week as he has a really good job but when I told him I would have to get a loan to pay all my bills when the unpaid comes up he said he would pay for our shopping each week to help me out. And thats it!!
So I'm still expected to pay my half of everything while not getting a wage.
Does this seem fair? when I mentioned that maybe he could pay a bit more when I'm not getting paid he rolled his eyes!

older smiley

I'm sorry but do you really need to ask.He's as tight as a fish's arse.My wife stopped working outside the home and runs the house and 3 kids .she does way more than me and my wages pay for everything as it should .Do you not have a joint account.During the 16 weeks leave he should pay all the bills full stop.If you left his child in a creche how much would it cost.

tenchi-fan

Hmm... depends on how you are with your money too. If you keep your affairs relatively separate why should he pay your way now?

I'm sure he's paying plenty towards baby-related expenses. Do you realise as a father he is also entitled to unpaid leave? Did you ask him whether he would like to take any?

Grawns

He is mean but maybe you are too. Otherwise you might have noticed before now. Also being a mum makes your priorities totally change.

chocgirl

He sounds extremely tight to me, how does he propose you keep yourself while you are off?

coolcat63

It could well be that he hasn't considered it (rather in the same way you haven't in expecting to get a loan with no income!). Time to sit down and have a good look at the finances and agree how to cope with the extra cost and the loss of household income.

mood

If you consider this guy to be your life long partner then it is odd that you don't have joint bank a/c etc. This yours and mine attitude is mad when you are in a serious relationship, with a child.

silverharp

OP I dont know how you can have seperate finances to the extent you seem to have when you have a child together. Either you "jointly" can afford for you to take the unpaid leave or not. It makes no sense otherwise, you might as well bill him for childminding services. What is the alternative to you taking the unpaid leave? if it involves 3rd party costs then he would have to contribute anyway.

StillWaters

The financial arrangement you have is not unheard of, but not common. Usually when there is a large disparity in income, the greater earning partner will bear more of the burden (I'm talking in a long term committed relationship).

Taking out a loan when there is sufficient household income to meet outgoings, particularly when you have both reached the decision that you will stay at home for the first year of your childs life (is this a joint decision?) is way beyond the pale though.

Methinks it is time to rethink how the family finances work, because that is what you are now OP, a family, not 2 separate units.

Cheap Thrills!

The 16 weeks unpaid leave is actually saving money...on creches...he needs to appreciate that.

Oftentimes when a woman returns to work it is less hours with maybe parental days thrown in and by the time she's paid her work expenses, meals, transport, childcare there is very little margin left.

He needs to step up to the plate here, having a child with someone is a new dawn. Expenses and wages are pooled, there is no 'me' and 'you' any more, its time for co-operation.

He is not a single person any more, if he sticks his heels in ask him does he want to stay at home for 16 weeks unpaid and take a loan out for utilities and the mortgage....I don't think he will.

Your child is going to get nearly 4 months extra quality care with his/her own parent. You can't buy that.

dixiefly

I think that it is bigger than the issue over the maternity leave. He doesnt seem to get it that he is in a family relationship. What sort of age is he, is there a smack of immaturity here?

He needs to realise that, just because he didnt put the ring on your finger he is not absolved from financially committing to the relationship as he should do. In fact he should have done this way before a baby came along but the baby is now a formal link that ye did not have before.

It sometimes takes an outsider to point out what you suspect yourself and your mums comment is quite telling. You can be fairly certain that she is not the only one that thinks this and that it has been discussed out of your earshot before. From what you have described she is right.

I would have a little concern that he would not be too easy to deal with financially should your relationship break down. You really should have a joint account that you both have access to.

In our marriage myself & my wife have access to the joint account. I only pay into the joint account and the mortgage +utilities +any biggies come out of it. I am earning less than I would have a few years ago and things are tight on that account. My wife doesnt usually take any more from it and pays for food etc from her account in which she puts in her pay but knows there is no question over her accessing it. We are not major earners or spenders but never really have had a row over money (thats not to say there have been no rows etc over other things)

emmiou

The cost of a full time creche fee for a baby at 26 weeks would be crazy - maybe 1200 per month - the creche may even want you to sign a contract tying you in until your child is 2 to recoup the staffing costs associated with caring for such young children.
Is he willing to take time off every week as baby catches every bug going during the first few months?

sodaev

If he's that way about money, just charge him a childminding fee, say 1200 per month, you can use that to pay your way.

Dark Phoenix

does this guy realise he is a father and that your baby is a joint responsibility?! He seems to be treating it like its something you are doing by yourself and that you need to suffer for. Why on earth would you take aout a bank loan to cover your living expenses just to take some unpaid leave off work to care for your baby when your partner is earning more than enough to cover the costs?

I understand couples having sperate finances but when you have a child together its both your responsibility to care for the child and cover the costs.

I would sit him down and have a direct conversation. Explain you need to make a joint decision - either you take 16 weeks off work or the child goes into the creche - if you take the time off work then he needs to contribute more to the bills, simple as.

I am stunned that he would actually consider letting you take out a bank loan and get into debt to pay for his childs care because he is too selfish to fork out a bit more when you are off work - sure if the babyw as in creche he would have to pay for that?!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies guys, certainly put things into perspective.
Just to answer a few things, we do have a joint account that we pay equally into each week for bills and mortgage. My loan was to cover my half of this too, although not as much because we have child allowance going in too.
Also, he has no interest in taking 16 weeks unpaid.
I think we need to sit down and talk about this seriously.

MistyCheese

There's no way his outgoings should be the same as they were before child. Fore fecks sake even in situations were the parents are not together the father must pay towards the cost of raising the child. I hope at the very least he is contributing to the cost of buying food, nappies and other essentials. That shouldn't fall completely on your head.

I really hope you can sort this out without resorting to a loan, loans have interest so you have to pay for the privilege of borrowing.

Congratulations on the new arrival.

pickarooney

It seems from your opening post that you suggested you get a loan to cover your bills rather than straight out saying that he will need to pay for them. Were you calling his bluff?

Are they your personal bills (mobile phone, car...) or joint bills (electricity, mortgage etc.)?

cch

ishemean wrote: »

we do have a joint account that we pay equally into each week for bills and mortgage

Even this bit can be considered mean if he earns more than double what you do. Serious reassessment needed here, it's now not just him and you, it's one family unit.

deisemum

Tbh he's making Scrooge look good.

If your mother has mentioned it then as previously mentioned it's more than likely discussed with others. If my sons have children in the future and treat their partner and babies like that then I'd be very ashamed at having raised such selfish articles.

Moonbeam

Which one of you is going to cover creche fees?
I think you need to st down an discuss this with him now.
Alarm bells are ringing in my head!He needs to take responsibility too.

Moonbeam

Which one of you is going to cover creche fees?
I think you need to sit down an discuss this with him now.
Alarm bells are ringing in my head!He needs to take responsibility too.
Is it a case he doesn't want you taking the 16 weeks because he feels you can't afford it as a couple? if so maybe suggest you take less ?

LostinKildare

deisemum wrote: »

Tbh he's making Scrooge look good.

If your mother has mentioned it then as previously mentioned it's more than likely discussed with others. If my sons have children in the future and treat their partner and babies like that then I'd be very ashamed at having raised such selfish articles.

I agree, I'd be horrified if my own son did the same. Do you have a relationship with his parents, and are they aware of this? He needs sorting out by his own mother and father.

theg81der

OMG why are you in a relationship with this guy? Worse still why did you procreate with him?!!!

Tbh I have to ask does this guy love you at all? This is just bazzar. Are you married or just together? Is he very controlling, are you extremely submissive? What is the story here... I`m completely stunned, will never call my hubby tight again.

Pete4779

ishemean wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies guys, certainly put things into perspective.
Just to answer a few things, we do have a joint account that we pay equally into each week for bills and mortgage. My loan was to cover my half of this too, although not as much because we have child allowance going in too.
Also, he has no interest in taking 16 weeks unpaid.
I think we need to sit down and talk about this seriously.

Any man that allows a situation to develop where his partner and mother to the child is considering actually taking a loan to maintain payments is someone who deserves a smack in the mouth from his own father. OK, exaggeration yes, but as above the first thing I thought of was if I had a son that did this, I would be ashamed and would sort it out pronto. He's obviously had good fortune to allow his situation to develop: have relationship and child, but with no financial or legal (marriage) committment. As it stands, he is used to getting his own way, therefore, this will likely be a big adjustment for him. I hope it resolves well.

He is clearly trying to maintain a degree of separation and not committing to the situation that is no longer "boyfriend/girlfriend" but rather "father/mother" with him being the main and only earner for the moment. I can't believe you have ended up thinking of a loan. What does he do with his money? Saving it for when he decides to up and leave, it sounds like.

deisemum

OP just think about what may happen in the next couple of years if ye go on to have another baby or two and then you're paying a lot of money for childcare that leaves you with sod all money how do you think you'd manage financially because the level of meanness that your other half has shown is so extreme that it's got to be ingrained in him and will be very difficult to change.

I just read out your opening post to my husband and he was horrified and disgusted that someone would treat their own baby and mother of their baby as you described and just said "get rid" plus some unmentionable colourful language.

I think the fact that your mother mentioned it to you shows she's worried about how he treats you and I wouldn't blame her. He's the sort that give men a bad name.

CDfm

Try looking at it differently and see if there is any truth to this.

It seems to me that you have put together a way of living between yourselves and you have been saying you will hold your own equally as your values and beliefs and nowyou have a child you want to change the rules and sacrifice your principles. Feminism and equality.

I am not having a go but some people are hugely forceful on their beliefs and maybe he feels he cant say anything.

Maybe he is damned if he does and damned if he dont.

If you have repeated rules and beliefs and ground rules for years and he is following these.

So he may be living by your rules and in a way you might have attracted a guy who for this is perfect. Maybe he is a bit selfish and believes in splitting bills down the middle you have some responsibility for this.

The other issue is lifestyle. If you continue with your expenses being linked to your earnings you need to rethink them for both of you.

Thats not to say that he or you are wrong just that you may have contributed to this.

So maybe you need to think out your principles too before diving in and work out what you want in the future.

Also for some people saving is very important and you have to agree this too without calling him mean.

No doubt you both have some adjusting to do and its up to you to find a way of accomadating each others. He cant be in the wrong if what you said doesnt cut it but neither can he continue aas nothing has changed,

Barracudaincork

CDfm wrote: »

It seems to me that you have put together a way of living between yourselves and you have been saying you will hold your own equally as your values and beliefs and nowyou have a child you want to change the rules and sacrifice your principles. Feminism and equality.

??? Where are you getting this whole feminish, equality and sacrificing her principles from? What principles is she alleging to scarifice?

Im trying to understand your post but its not clear what you are getting at here.

Also IMO if a husband saves his money while his wifes gets a loan to cover her own food bills while looking after their child, yes he is mean, the man could sh!t diamonds he is so mean. Covering "lifestyle" expenses is one thing, food, roof over your head is another.

CDfm

Barracudaincork wrote: »

??? Where are you getting this whole feminish, equality and sacrificing her principles from? What principles is she alleging to scarifice?

.

I was a bit surprised at the vitriol poured out at the guy so I looked for potential reasons how their life has evolved how it has so I asked her to look at it differently to just the mean dimension.

One persons mean is another persons prudent. And we dont know what has happened in the relationship to make it like this.with my ex I would have been almost afraid to question her reasons for things and that was not healthy.

I know lots of couples who split the bills equally especially where the wife earns more. So I am asking how it evolved.Its not an exact science
but sometimes life is the science of silly things.

He may well be Ebeneezer Scrooge -I dont know- or it may be something else.

LegacyUser

Im sorry for you OP. This is a time where you’re vulnerable and should be ring fenced with security.

Has he always been this inconsiderate? I can understand how you feel as I’ve been there with a partner before. Parting with any penny other than alcohol for himself was agony for him. He graduated from being tight, to not buying anything for my birthday or Christmas and then using money to control the whole house and in the process my life. Even though he was pocketing all the money from our mortgage relief, I still had to pay half even though I earned far far less then him at the time. I only found out this was going on after we split up. I got lectured for buying a women’s mag every so often – but then he thought nothing of flooring €150 out in town with his buddies every Friday night. I could go on and on, but Theres no point as Ive forgiven him long ago and tbh, karmas kickin ass of late so Ill just let her get on with it.

You need to knock this on the head. Youre the mother of his child, not a business partner. What happens if you got sick and couldn’t work? Would he sling you out on the street. Id show him this thread and let him see for himself what normal people think of his behaviour.

Barracudaincork

CDfm wrote: »

I was a bit surprised at the vitriol poured out at the guy so I looked for potential reasons how their life has evolved how it has so I asked her to look at it differently to just the mean dimension.

One persons mean is another persons prudent. And we dont know what has happened in the relationship to make it like this.with my ex I would have been almost afraid to question her reasons for things and that was not healthy.

I know lots of couples who split the bills equally especially where the wife earns more. So I am asking how it evolved.Its not an exact science
but sometimes life is the science of silly things.

He may well be Ebeneezer Scrooge -I dont know- or it may be something else.

You still didnt explain about your feminism comment, am i to assume you mean as she agreed to be an independant adult and not sponge off her husband once they got married as she worked and she contributed to their life together, she is a feminist? Rather than a responsible for themselves adult? And now that she is taking time off to look after their baby, she wants to be a non-feminist and want him to provide for his family, therefore breaking the "rule" or "principal" they started at the beginning of their relationship? I could be wrong but that the impression i get from your two posts now.

If that is the case, situations change, especially when someone has a baby. Say if the husband used to go to Thailand for 3 weeks golfing every year, is it fair of him to say well i used to always before the baby came along, you know the rules!

This isnt about feminism, its about a family now and how that family should be provided for by that family, him financially more, her physically more as she is taking the time off work.

dearg lady

Barracudaincork wrote: »

You still didnt explain about your feminism comment, am i to assume you mean as she agreed to be an independant adult and not sponge off her husband once they got married as she worked and she contributed to their life together, she is a feminist? Rather than a responsible for themselves adult? And now that she is taking time off to look after their baby, she wants to be a non-feminist and want him to provide for his family, therefore breaking the "rule" or "principal" they started at the beginning of their relationship? I could be wrong but that the impression i get from your two posts now.

If that is the case, situations change, especially when someone has a baby. Say if the husband used to go to Thailand for 3 weeks golfing every year, is it fair of him to say well i used to always before the baby came along, you know the rules!

This isnt about feminism, its about a family now and how that family should be provided for by that family, him financially more, her physically more as she is taking the time off work.

I think Cdfm is just trying to understand how it got to this stage of OP offering to get a loan, and her OH thinking this is acceptable. He's trying to help the OP, but there's no point goin in all guns blazing!

dixiefly wrote: »

I think that it is bigger than the issue over the maternity leave. He doesnt seem to get it that he is in a family relationship. What sort of age is he, is there a smack of immaturity here?

i think Dixiefly has got it right here, there's a much bigger issue at stake than just the maternity leave, OP, you need to sit down with you OH and discuss your whole relationship, you both need to realise you're a family now and decisions need to be made jointly and for the good of the family. I fear you may have an uphill struggle, best of luck with it.

CDfm

Barracudaincork wrote: »

You still didnt explain about your feminism comment,.

I used the term loosely cos everyone would be familiar with it and not to make a point. So they may have an agreement to split all bills down the middle and its worked like that until now.Change is what life is about.

Like the OP becoming aware of the financials of unpaid leave means this is a spur of the moment thing or something they havent spoken about.

So chappie may be totally in the dark.

I am just saying that its possible that the OP has not spoken honestly about things to her partner as she is being here. People are not mindreaders and if what she thinks is different to what she has been saying -well she may well have contributed to this more than she is admitting.

MJ23

My brother and his wife would mind mice at a crossroads. When they sold their house, he even took the door handles off the doors. He peels stamps off envelopes and uses them again with a bit of pritt stick. She cuts the top off make-up tubes and tubes of toothpaste to get the very last bit of them. My mother said once when she went on holiday with them that she never saw someone who able to turn a jar of mayonaisse inside out, the spoon clanking around in the jar to get the very last bit of it. The car never has any more than a tenners worth of diesel in it. you'd think it'd go off or something. If they're in a restaurant or cafe or something they'll take the sachets of red sauce, vinegar, brown sauce etc home with them.

Barracudaincork

CDfm wrote: »

I used the term loosely cos everyone would be familiar with it and not to make a point. So they may have an agreement to split all bills down the middle and its worked like that until now.Change is what life is about.

Now you take your feminism word out, your post makes sense and I agree life is about change.

CDfm wrote: »

So chappie may be totally in the dark.

Or chooses to be? Common sense would tell him now that the household has changed, so should the finances and regardless of any "agreement" they had in place in the beginning, it appears he didnt attempt to change that agreement either and was very willing to let his wife take a loan.

CDfm

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Or chooses to be? Common sense would tell him now that the household has changed, so should the finances and regardless of any "agreement" they had in place in the beginning, it appears he didnt attempt to change that agreement either and was very willing to let his wife take a loan.

Maybe so -but its like golfing in Thailand -people grow into life so just say golf is his luxury he should not have to give that up.

If he has a fear of poverty etc then the OP should try to strike some balance. Is his job secure etc and is his salary the same as it was pre -recession.

I once heard the partner of a friend on Gerry Ryans after they had emerged from debt so serious they nearly lost their house. she was planning a trip to disneyland. I thought nah -it cant be her. But it was.

I would like to hear what the OP has to say on what has been posted.

Barracudaincork

CDfm wrote: »

Maybe so -but its like golfing in Thailand -people grow into life so just say golf is his luxury he should not have to give that up.


I once heard the partner of a friend on Gerry Ryans after they had emerged from debt so serious they nearly lost their house. she was planning a trip to disneyland. I thought nah -it cant be her. But it was.

Why did you think that? as going by the first line of this post, you dont think someone should have to give up their luxuries! Maybe the "agreement" your friend and partner had is the same as the OP's?

Do you really believe that no matter what was originally agreed or fear of poverty etc is a good reason to not financially support your family, or want to at least? I fail to see how it is acceptable for a man to let his wife get a loan to cover her expenses while looking after their baby, regardless of what was agreed before in any aspect of their life.

Nevyn

Can we not let this thread be derailed with what is and isn't feminism.

Splitting things down the middle may seem well and good but when there is a child and one person takes on the responsiblities of being the child's main carer and parent on all it will impact on thier work and abilty to earn there are two parents here who should be funding the home and suporting each other instead of talking nonsense about geting out loans.

tenchi-fan

Thaedydal wrote: »

Splitting things down the middle may seem well and good but when there is a child and one person takes on the responsiblities of being the child's main carer and parent on all it will impact on thier work and abilty to earn there are two parents here who should be funding the home and suporting each other instead of talking nonsense about geting out loans.

Agreed. It is nonsense, and I think the op is leaving out a lot of detail from her posts.

Why would she offer to get a loan? She obviously thinks her husband is tight, so what does she do? Announces she is going to take extended, unpaid maternity leave and offer to get a loan to pay her bills! If I were her husband I would have called her bluff too.

Then she goes ahead and posts this on boards to get 3 pages of people bashing some guy whose circumstances we don't even know. Can he afford to pay her an allowance in addition to baby clothes, nappies, shopping, car loans, mortgage payments? We know he earns "twice as much as she does" but for all we know he earns €30k which isn't a lot to support 2 adults and a newborn baby.

And whose idea was it to keep their income firewalled like this in the first place? does he have separate debt that was also firewalled before the baby came along?

On the face of it, yes her husband appears to be tight. But I have a feeling the op is concealing some facts.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar position as you, except I kept my mouth shut and didnt ask for money, he gave some towards babys expenses but seemed to forget about me.. we didnt live together but I had to take the extra time off as child was sick. I had no income at all for 6 mths.

If only I had read this thread back then as I know now my OH was still living and acting like he was single. He certainly wasnt sharing his money with us. If we went to cinema etc, I paid half.

Turns out him not helping financially was a sign of a much greater problem, He still felt like he was a single bloke. He left me.

The advice given by the posters above is spot on. It is not how a family man acts.

LegacyUser

OP I hope a good conversation to your partner wakes him up. Why should you be the one to have to get a loan, because one of you decides to stay at home to look after the child for 16 weeks?. That's ridiculous. I rarely reply to threads here but I felt compelled to in this case. He sounds extremely selfish and I'd rather be forever single than end up with someone like him. I really hope you get through to him and he can see things from your point of view.

Elle Collins

measwell wrote: »

It is not how a family man acts.

+ 1. Indeed it isn't. I would question could he possibly even consider himself a family man with an attitiude like that.

CDfm

Barracudaincork wrote: »

you dont think someone should have to give up their luxuries!

Not at all. We live in a modern world and the idea of a man handing over his paypacket every week is simply archaic.

Maybe the "agreement" your friend and partner had is the same as the OP's?

It wasnt. It was more a case of when their finances stabilised she wanted to go on a spending spree. So much so that when she didnt get her way she went before a jury of her peers on the Gerrry Ryan show. I dont know about you but I found it a bit over dramatic. Just a tad.

Do you really believe that no matter what was originally agreed or fear of poverty etc is a good reason to not financially support your family, or want to at least?

Of course there should be change. Maybe the guy has genuine reasons. If he is a tradesman etc his income may be erratic or his job not secure.

We do not know as the OP gave very scant details.

I fail to see how it is acceptable for a man to let his wife get a loan to cover her expenses while looking after their baby, regardless of what was agreed before in any aspect of their life.

I dont think the OP has given us thewhole story.

Nevyn

On this forum while it is ok to question the OP we accept what they tell us in good faith and we do not undermine or cast aspersions as it is not helpful.

Nevyn

OP How did the decision about you staying at home for the extra 16 unpaid weeks come about?

LegacyUser

I find this lack of family feeling absolutely bizarre and the first thing it makes me think of is that he doesn't regard the baby as having anything at all to do with him! What I would be asking the OP is, was this baby equally planned and wanted by both of you?

He really sounds like someone who regards babies as women's work, women's "problem" to deal with everything that goes with caring for and providing for their needs. Is it possible that he agreed to "let" you have a baby under the assumption that it would be down to you to look after it, too? Sorry to speculate OP, but just going on the information from your posts he doesn't sound like someone who has planned any role as a father in his life at all, and not just financially.

I hope that this turns out to be one of those things where once he thinks about it and gradually bonds with the baby he realises what being a parent really means. Good luck talking to him again.

Emme

The mind boggles. If the OP were bad enough, could she legitimately claim maintenance from the child's father for it's upkeep, or would they have to be living separately for her to do this?

Barracudaincork

CDfm wrote: »

Not at all. We live in a modern world and the idea of a man handing over his paypacket every week is simply archaic.

That wasnt what i was suggesting, I agree handing over the pay packet is archaic, but getting a loan to buy food isnt exactly forward thinking either.

CDfm wrote: »

It wasnt. It was more a case of when their finances stabilised she wanted to go on a spending spree. So much so that when she didnt get her way she went before a jury of her peers on the Gerrry Ryan show. I dont know about you but I found it a bit over dramatic. Just a tad.

You claim we arent getting the whole story here, what makes you so sure you did there either, could there be any chance the story you got was one sided at all? I think calling the Gerry Ryan show is not just dramatic but pathetic also, couldnt agree with you more!

CDfm wrote: »

Of course there should be change. Maybe the guy has genuine reasons. If he is a tradesman etc his income may be erratic or his job not secure.

Ok, say this is the case, recession has been around for at least 18 months, it takes 9 months to have a baby, we were well into the recession at that stage and he would of realised his earnings would decrease so if he was worried about money, he shouldnt be making babies!

implausible

I understand what CDfm is saying here, that some people go into a relationship being extremely independent and everything gets divided down the middle and it can be hard to move away from this system. However, this situation (regardless of whether the OP is like this or not) is extreme. No matter how financially independent one may want to be, for one person to be unemployed (voluntary or otherwise) and still be expected to contribute the same amount for anything (never mind a baby!) is illogical.

It's utter madness to consider taking out a loan if there is more than enough money in the household to cover these expenses. And that's what the problem is. The OP's partner sees himself as a single person, not part of a family/household. He'll have to be made realise this, either by sitting down and having a serious pen-and-paper financial conversation or by doing something dramatic by billing him for the child-minding fees!

What's your housing situation OP? You say that you're living together, but do you both own/rent the house or is the house in his name only? For the future, it's another situation you'd want to see about. You and your baby need security and you need to get this sorted now, in case this tightness is a symptom of his unwillingness to commit.

CDfm

deemark -thanks - you put it very well.I am not saying that he is being reasonable on this.Any more than my friends missus was reasonable.

When a baby is born lots of changes happen. His family/her family. People who say go back to work others say stay at home. Breastfeed vs bottlefeed. Terry vs disposable. Nightfeeds and changes him or her.

New Dads do get dreadfully isolated. Ideally,they consider each others concerns with equal importance to their own. That doesnt often happen.

So the OP changing her maternity leave plans radically alterered their plans as a couple. Yes I can see the OPs point of view and am with her ,but, I can also see that she may not want to discuss the bigger issues.

Personally, those kind of radical decision changes would drive me totally nuts. If I was the OPs partner it would make me doubt her truthfulness and erode trust especially if this was not an isolated decision made without consultation. Changing from joint providers to him as a sole provider for the family would be a massive change and a lot different to what may have been agreeed between them.

Barracudaincork

ishemean? wrote: »

I'm taking 16 weeks unpaid leave to be with my son as I don't want to put him into a creche and my OH agrees. !

CDfm wrote: »

So the OP changing her maternity leave plans radically alterered their plans as a couple. Yes I can see the OPs point of view and am with her ,but, I can also see that she may not want to discuss the bigger issues.

Personally, those kind of radical decision changes would drive me totally nuts. If I was the OPs partner it would make me doubt her truthfulness and erode trust especially if this was not an isolated decision made without consultation. Changing from joint providers to him as a sole provider for the family would be a massive change and a lot different to what may have been agreeed between them.

As you can see from her opening post, he agreed to her taking the unpaid maternity leave, she didnt spring it on him and radically alert their plans, they discussed it as a couple and both agreed on it. Where are you getting she radically changed her plans and now her OH needs to doubt her truthfulness from?

CDfm

Barracudaincork wrote: »

As you can see from her opening post, he agreed to her taking the unpaid maternity leave, she didnt spring it on him and radically alert their plans........... Where are you getting she radically changed her plans and now her OH needs to doubt her truthfulness from?

I think we are very different people BIC - I would have found the changes to the maternity leave and financial stuff after the birth to be a bit of an ambush.

Thats just me and its based on my experience. I read out of it that there were no savings and she was living by the seat of her pants with no discussions. Its the lack of planning and saving etc for something she knew was happening that would get me.

I read that as the extended maternity leave was an afterthought or a deliberate ommision by her.

I think the OP should be careful of micro-manageing life based on what she expects others to do.