Please help

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Im 26, male and I am out to friends and have no issues with being gay. Except one.

I am not the kind of person who would be interested in random sex but more and more these days I am beginning to think that that is all that 99% of gay men my age are interested in. And it's becoming impossible to track down that illusive 1% who might be interested in a meaningful friendship, if not relationship. The bars and the clubs and the internet are not the place, I have tried those. I have even tried the occasional gay social event, but to no avail.

So what I am wondering is where it is that I need to look to find gay people who are, well, normal? That's not to say that there are no heterosexuals who are not slutty but gay people seem disproportionately so.

For me, being gay is not hard, the hard part is trying to find other gay guys who share my ideas of committment and, for all my trying, my failure to find that person has left me with a bitter, choking feeling.

crotalus667

you need to go to gay events / groups as aposed to bars and clubs

door

Hey wanderer, your post is so uncanny. I am also 26 and have the exact same problem. I was sort of seeing a guy for the last 2 months whom I met through a gay event and it turned out he just wanted me to be the friend that filled the void left when he wasn't having random sex. It broke my heart but I have to live with that fact and I'm currently battling as to whether I want to be his friend or not because I feel I'm only being used due to his commitment issues. I wish I could find people who actually aim to love and be loved but sadly having only been on the scene for a short while I hate to say that I have only witnessed the stereotypes about gay community promiscuity ringing true. Its left me very disillusioned and lonely.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Well, 26 seems to be the magic age. (See this thread: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055776234)

It seems to me like it's more to do with your attitude. You tried things for a while, they didn't work, so you ruled them out completely. How can you know for sure that you would never meet someone compatible in any of those places?

If you, someone who's looking for commitment, can be found in any of these places, then it would make sense that sometimes other similar people can be too. There are also other places such as outinireland.net or hiking, running etc.

I think maybe you also need to consider your attitude to the whole thing. Not being interested in random sex is perfectly understandable, but it seems like you're jumping to a lot of conclusions and being quite judgemental of other people. (Having sex means you're slutty and not normal.)

What sort of commitment are you looking for exactly? A lot of us were raised with the auld catholic "meet one person, get married for the rest of your life" way of thinking. Perhaps you're so intent on finding this one magical person, that you can't see the wood for the trees? Are you giving yourself a chance to get to know people, or just dismissing them immediately based on a checklist?

wanderer101 wrote: »

to find other gay guys who share my ideas of committment and, for all my trying, my failure to find that person has left me with a bitter, choking feeling.

This just sounds so unhealthy. I think you need to relax, make sure you're happy with your life being on your own, then be sociable and meet new people regularly with an open mind. The idea that you're on a mission to find this one person is most likely clouding your judgement.

Spark Boy

wanderer101, (again im 26, love it), i was in the exact same position as you not too far back. You see theres a few things, first of all your 26, most 26 year olds have their good circle of friends and work mates and every now and again meet new people. but 26 year olds dont go out to the club and ask the nearest stranger to be their freind, so i understand how difficult it is. my advice, well what worked for me is go out to clubs, attend gay events, you dont need to be with anyone but make an effert to introduce yerself to people "and get the sexual notions out of yer head, you dont have to do anything you dont want to full stop" and sooner rather then later you will meet someone you connect with as a friend, when you do youll be surprised how many more people you will meet through the person, you see its like a chain reaction, people yer friends with introduce more friends and before long you have meet alot a people without the overhanging notions in your head about sex or whatever. i would agree with dwn wit wlves that i sense u might be looking for the "one". Firstly be confident wit yerself, which helps make friends and then eventually something will follow. believe me ul be fine it just takes some time and i know exactly where yer coming from bro

LGiamani

wanderer101 maybe your are the first generation of gay men in Ireland who have evovled from the meaningless sexual encounters to the stage of been comfortable in yourself to start a relationship with someone and are prepared to stick it out for better or worse just to have someone there for you when there is good and bad times and also to have someone to share your thought wants needs and desire with and hopefully visa versa. I wish you well in your scearch and hope you meet that person take care

LegacyUser

I'm 18 but I'm the same, 'normal' or whatever, as well as a lot of my friends but yeah the majority of other gay people I know are into the sex thing. I actually think about it a lot sub consciously, it was only today I was bored and thinking about that if a guy meets a girl in a pub, and they walk eachother home or whatever, the boy is expected to walk on, but I was saying I bet if I did that with a fella, he would expect me to go in and have sex. Quite an odd thing to comprehend sometimes!

azezil

ehhhh wrote: »

I'm 18 but I'm the same, 'normal' or whatever, as well as a lot of my friends but yeah the majority of other gay people I know are into the sex thing. I actually think about it a lot sub consciously, it was only today I was bored and thinking about that if a guy meets a girl in a pub, and they walk eachother home or whatever, the boy is expected to walk on, but I was saying I bet if I did that with a fella, he would expect me to go in and have sex. Quite an odd thing to comprehend sometimes!

lol? what planet are you living on. If a straight guy walks a woman home he's not being a gentleman, he's hoping to get laid!

Men, straight or gay are all the same. Some like the touchy feely relationship stuff, others just want sex.

And I'm sure the same is true of women.

Rick_

I'm exactly what the OP is looking for, and all you other 26 year olds for that matter. Not into random sex, don't do the scene and and am looking for a lovely boyfriend to be partners forever with until we die. I'm 25 though, but will be 26 later this year!

Form an orderly queue lads... Or just PM me if you prefer!

Untense

wanderer101 wrote: »

the hard part is trying to find other gay guys who share my ideas of committment and, for all my trying, my failure to find that person has left me with a bitter, choking feeling.

I'll second what Dwn Wth Vwls has said, if you're going about anything in such a way that it leaves you with a 'bitter choking feeling', something is definitely not right.
Since not everyone who goes about looking for a 'suitor' doesn't come to the verge of outright panicy death, it's fair to say there's something in your way of doing things that could be causing the reaction...

There's two aspects to what you've said which I'm curious about. Firstly, the 'hard' bit...
How can not-finding someone who matches your criteria be 'hard'?

I can see how it could feel hard... if I'm not currently getting what I am looking for, and not accepting of this fact, it's a not-nice feeling. I can understand how it might seem 'hard' to go about looking for someone if you are having great hopes everyone you come across will be 'The One'.

If you can truly see and accept that, even if a guy seems really nice and you're having some grand daydreams about what you may be doing in the future, and hearing civil-union bells ringing, when suddenly he starts going on about how cock rings are an excellent way to sustain an erection while tending to multiple sex partners. You can say, "ah yea. you're one of the 99 people out of every 100 that don't quite match my criteria.", you can tick your little box and then go on to the next.
It's only 'hard' if you take those momentary daydreams as the reality and find your 'hopes' being dashed each time. In this context, hope isn't an admirable trait...


The second bit I'm curious about is the 'Failure to find That Person' bit...
How can you possibly have failed to find someone if you haven't found them yet?!
You've apparently succeeded in identifying plenty of non-suitors. Well done. Wouldn't it have sucked if you had failed there? You might have ended up preggers by god knows who.
If you really look at the kind of numbers you expect match your criteria, 1 in 100 by your estimation, then you're likely going to have to come across (and hopefully successfully identify) lots of people who don't match your criteria before you find the one that does.

Anyway, if I were you, I'd take a step back from the search. Ask what it is that seems so lacking in your life now that this special person is going to make up for.

If you're looking for someone else to come along and fill a void in your own life, not only will it come off as desperate ( always helpful when looking to meet someone), but it will also be a big big disappointment when you come to discover that the only person that can really sort out your own sense of lack is yourself.

Annasopra

wanderer101 wrote: »

I have even tried the occasional gay social event, but to no avail.

What sort of events have you tried?

There are many different things you could try out; for example soccer, swimming, rugby, tennis, rowing, skiing, book clubs, acting, hiking, film clubs, canoeing, running, singing, eating in restaurants,

There are others as well - but don't fall into the trap of believing there is nothing out there

ding-dong

I'm early 20s, just started checking out the scene recently and I totally understand where the OP is coming from and am getting that sort of panicked feeling where I'm wondering where the hell you can find guys who value company/intimacy as much if not more than sex. It just seems like a load of horny blokes doing the same thing every weekend and having some sort of ADD-style love life. I guess I was stupidly expecting the sort of commitment and maturity I see in the relationships of my heterosexual friends, but it seems like a tough market for us boring romantics! I know there are clearly people out there, and I'm not so naive to think that I'm going to meet the love of my life straight away, but it seems finding someone to make a proper, genuine connection with on the scene is challenging. I'm pretty disillusioned at the moment. Even when I thought there was at least something with someone I recently met, he quickly (abruptly!) just got bored, which he clearly felt was no biggie. This guy had actually approached me, told me (more like mumbled) he liked me etc several times, but it turned out to be totally meaningless. He had no idea what he was really communicating to me - just like he was reciting lines from a script. I was temporarily really upset by the fact that I wasn't going to have an opportunity with him. But now I'm just upset because I realise that he's just so much "emptier" than I had initially thought. Thankfully it never went beyond a few kisses. I'm not an outwardly emotional person or anything, but I have no problems opening up to someone one on one, in fact I like it. I get the impression that isn't what many people out there aspire to though, a random shag with the hottie of the week seems to be enough.

Ok so that sounds bitter. But the excitement of starting to go out to a few places has quickly been followed by this sense of crushing disappointment. I know, as many have said on this thread, there are people out there, but it's annoying that they're so bloody hard to find. I think I'm going to take Johnnymcg's advice there and focus on some of the less bar/club based activites. Meeting people in a normal setting etc. might help.

Annasopra

ding-dong wrote: »

I think I'm going to take Johnnymcg's advice there and focus on some of the less bar/club based activites. Meeting people in a normal setting etc. might help.

Ok also consider Outhouse, just drop in there some day

Doop

While I almost completely agree with you OP (as i would have similar attitudes... oh and im 26 shocker! )

Personally I think you can still go out to clubs to meet people etc without having to go home with them, to be honest id feel more into someone who wanted to exchange numbers meet up again etc before jumping into bed together.

That being said ive yet to meet many of these people!

Just look at the replys above it would seem theres more like minded gay guys than you think
:cool:

Rick_

There's plenty of us, like Doop says, we're just dotted all over the country! But we do exist!

stephen_n

Have you tried one of the sports clubs? good way of making friends in a non sexual way, if your interested!