moving in with OH for first time

mollybird

hi ladies,
moving in with my OH in may. i have never lived with a guy before. i have no idea how to play it regarding paying bills, house chores, keeping up the romance. I need all the advice i can get. We been together for nearly 4 years. doing long distance and seeing each other once or twice a week the entire length.

thanks

o1s1n

You really don't know someone until you live with them. Something I discovered to my own horror - girls fart.

One you can do that without leaving the room everything else is piss easy, seriously

Ickle Magoo

I would sit down and work out an arrangement that suits you both and you are both happy with, whatever that may be. It can be useful to draw up a cleaning rota or chores rota like you would with any house-mate and have a good chat to ensure boundaries are known and respected by both parties.

Living together has always thrown up some more obvious and other completely unexpected issues so try to go with the flow and pick your battles! :cool:

RacoonQueen

Everyone is different with bills etc, some couples will split everything, some couples will take certain bills each e.g he takes gas and internet you take tv and electricity etc, some couples will just have a joint bank account and you both just keep sticking money in.

House chores - he'll do loads at the start to make a good impression then he'll start pushing his luck and get lazy and keep getting lazier, he'll also do things wrong on purpose just so you won't ask him to do it again.

and haha you have to live with a booooooyy! :pac:

Millicent

Hi Mollybird,

My best advice is (and this may sound deeply unromantic but trust me, it's important) is to find out how each of you handles their finances. I love my boyfriend to bits and I have lived with him for three years but I would never have a joint account with him that I put all my cash in because I couldn't trust him with it.

Instead, we both keep a hold on own our cash and split everything 50/50 when it's due to be paid. Even if there is a difference in how much each of you gets paid, try to split things as evenly as you both can afford because one paying the lionshare can lead to resentment.

Emotionally the best advice I can give you is to set a date night for once a week. As corny and unspontaneous as it sounds, it's a good idea because living with someone can make you and them bloody lazy to the point of taking each other for granted. Don't let that happen cos it's the quickest way things will get stale.

Other than that, good luck and I hope you enjoy your new cohabiting bliss!

Blush_01

It sounds like it's going to be a huge adjustment (but hopefully a fun one!). Moving is one of the most stressful things someone can do!

I've never lived with an OH but I have lived in rented accommodation with lots of people of varying personalities for the past 7+ years, and I've been stung over bills and rent a few times. I know it's different with an OH, but if you both put the same in financially, then there won't be any resentment.

Will you both have independent incomes? If so, my advice is split bills like rent, electricity, gas, tv/phone/broadband, bins etc. down the middle. Then both of you are on an equal footing. It might even be best to set up a joint account for direct debits that you each pay a set amount into each month to cover those expenses.

With the chores, there may be things you hate doing that he doesn't mind or vice versa. You'll both probably have very different habits with regard to where you keep the cups, which press the cereal normally goes in etc. That's something you'll have to work out together. It is nice to have a guideline that whoever doesn't cook does the cleaning up after the meal and that kind of thing.

Likewise with grocery shopping, you might buy one brand while he has always used another, or you might not care while he is particular about the toilet paper he uses (I know, a bit OTT as an example, but y'know). That's something you'll have to work out together too.

Just remember, everyone has annoying habits. You'll get used to them!

I know there are plenty of people here who'll have some great advice for you, so sorry that mine is a bit basic and common sense. I'm delighted for you that you'll get to see more of each other - I hope you find somewhere lovely together.

Millicent

Also, overestimate the cost of everything you'll have to spend out for before settling on a place and leave as good a chunk of money as you can for treating yourselves. This may sound silly when no one in the country has a lot of money but trust me, not having the extra money for anything can really put a horrible strain on a relationship.

Alicat

My OH and I moved in with each other last July. It was tough to get into a routine and decide how we do things. Even now we're still amazed at how quickly chores build up!

We have a joint account, but only for household expenses such as rent, bills, food, stuff for the house etc. We worked out how much was required per month to run the apartment comfortably, split it down the middle, and we have a standing order each week from our accounts into the joint account. Sometimes we have cash leftover from the month and we can spend it on something nice for the both of us, like a trip to the cinema or a nice dinner out. So there's never any arguments over money anyway.

I can't help you with the cleaning cause I'm crap at it :pac: We both have to coax each other into it. Luckily, he LOVES cooking (In fact I think my OH got a rough deal when he moved in with me )

Make sure to keep some alone time for yourselves separately. It's easy for us because he works shifts but it's so important to give yourselves space when you need it.

Good luck!

An emergency fund, to cover the cost of a quick move. Is a good idea.....in case you break up acrimoniously.

Angelandie

I've lived with my OH for nearly 5 years. We split the bills down the middle, we don't have a joint account, we just pay them as they arrive. As for chores, it'll take time to sort a routine. For example, if I cook he has to clean up after and I do all the laundry but he does the ironing, because I hate it. But you have to learn to ignore the small annoying bad habits, like my OH leaving his dirty clothes on the floor when he goes for a shower even though the laundry basket is right there :mad: But if you obsess over small things like that you'll drive yourself crazy. It just all takes time to settle and get used to being around each other so much and each others bad habits, particularly as you've done most of your relationship long distance. As big as a cliche as it is "compromise is the key" Enjoy and good luck

mollybird

well cooking idea won't be a prob as both of us are great cooks. i know he likes his time out time when he gets home from work and he knows i'm not the best at ironing and don't like cleaning bath rooms. i guess ill be very concious of us keeping our romance fresh. and we did agree everytime the change jar fills up we will spend on something nice for both of us.

Tefral

When myself and the OH moved intogether we sat down at the start and agreed:

- That we have our own accounts
- That we split all bills in half
- Organised drawers and wardrobes before stuff was put in, (who gets what space etc)

We live together nearly 2 years now and we havent once had an argument about space or bills etc.

We go shopping once every week/two weeks for food and split that bill too, sometimes she gets things that would cost more one week and sometimes i would get stuff that costs more another, so we just said whatever the bill comes to we split that too.

Relationships have plenty of minefields to cause arguments, you dont want to be adding money and space into it too.

I do the cooking and she does the cleaning and we both look after washing the clothes. I also help with the cleaning as sometimes the cooking is a bit easier, empting the dishwasher, hoovering etc.


We dont really fight over TV as i dont watch much, all i ask is i get some alone time to play the playstation once in a while and im happy out.

Truley

Never go to sleep on a fight. When you live with someone arguments are much worse than when you can just swan off and get some space. Don't associate you're house/apt as a negative place, where you are stuck together, giving the silent treatment etc Sort disagreements out as soon as you can.

Other than that I agree what everyone else says, split bills 50/50 sort out a cleaning roster and STICK to it! And most importantly - Enjoy it!

mollybird

only thing that i don't think we will be able to split down the middle will be most of the bills as he earns quite a bit more than me. but i have always been raised to pay bills i like to pay my share as best i can.

looking forward to waking up with him every day and saying good night every evening. we have so much in common and we have a similar sense of humour. and the wierd thing is we can read each others mind so i'm thinking that is a good start.

krudler

Moonbaby wrote: »

An emergency fund, to cover the cost of a quick move. Is a good idea.....in case you break up acrimoniously.

Thats a really good idea, too many people assume it'll be all sunshine and rainbows when you move in together, me and the missus have discussed moving in and you have to talk about what happens if it goes wrong down the line as well. its not being cynical or unromantic, its facing facts, you can be the most loved up couple on earth but things can go wrong.

Space would be my thing, I currently live in a 3 bed place so if she moves in and the flatmate moves out we'd have the main bedroom then I suggested using one room each for other stuff, all her makeup boxes and exercise equipment and sh1te can go in one room, my games consoles and books etc can go in the other. I love my gf to bits but we like a bit of space as well, I know too many couple who get bored to death of being around each other 24/7 and want to go to the pub to get away from the other half for a while. Living together but not getting offended when the other person wants a bit of alone time is the way to go, Im all for her taking baths and telling me to feck off while she soaks and has wine (course if she wants me to jump in then all the better:D ) and likewise, she wont come interuptting when Im up to my eyeballs in an online game of Call of Duty

Chinafoot

mollybird wrote: »

only thing that i don't think we will be able to split down the middle will be most of the bills as he earns quite a bit more than me. but i have always been raised to pay bills i like to pay my share as best i can.

Without meaning to be offensive, in my opinion earning less money doesn't mean you'll use less electricity/heat/internet than your other half. If you can't afford your share then maybe you should think seriously before moving in together. You should never expect anyone to support you because they happen to make more money than you do.

krudler

Chinafoot wrote: »

Without meaning to be offensive, in my opinion earning less money doesn't mean you'll use less electricity/heat/internet than your other half. If you can't afford your share then maybe you should think seriously before moving in together. You should never expect anyone to support you because they happen to make more money than you do.

+1 on this, if he winds up paying up more in his share then you cant be moaning if he asks to turn off lights or not have the heating on as long or whatever. I had a massive bust up with my ex when she was essentially living with me 5 nights a week (she wasnt technically "living there" but she may as well have been) about her having the tv, washing machine, her hairdryer, every bloody light in the place and such all going at once during the day, she paid absolutely nothing towards bills and then had the cheek to do her own washes without asking even though she was still living at home and only staying over a few nights a week

iguana

My advice would be to prepare for the fact that once the initial "honeymoon period" of living together wears off it's possible there will be a period of fairly big arguments. You will find that a certain amount of your expectations will be at odd with his and this can lead to problems while you find your feet together. But it's pretty normal and things will settle as long as you both make an effort to compromise with each other.

SeekUp

I've got two bits of advice:

1. There will be an adjustment period and/or a learning curve as the two of you get to know each other's living habits. It seems obvious, but it helps when you're about to blow up at one another for something silly and how it's not the way you do things in your house. This too, shall pass.

2. I second Millicent -- DATE NIGHT! You and your OH may see each other every day when you're home, and do little things to make you appreciate one another, but going out with just the two of you kind of sets the days apart and mixes the everyday normalness with the occasional specialness. And then you can come home together and hop into bed.

3. Oh, and don't forget to keep your separate lives as well.


(Everyone does finances differently . . . it's really just up to the two of you, how comfortable you are with being open about your finances and the financial habits of you both. You'll figure that out as well as you go along.)

Ickle Magoo

mollybird wrote: »

only thing that i don't think we will be able to split down the middle will be most of the bills as he earns quite a bit more than me. but i have always been raised to pay bills i like to pay my share as best i can.

I'd be very wary entering into a living arrangement on those conditions unless you have discussed this with him and he doesn't mind paying the lions share of the bills. The last thing you want to do is get your first bill and arguments ensue or you discover without his paying more, which he resents doing, you can't actually afford to live with him.

G86

You've got some pretty sound advice here but the one thing I'd add is just make sure you give each other space when you need it. I also went from the long distance thing to living together and at the start it was a bit of an adjustment. The one thing I found quite difficult was not having as much time to myself. No matter how much you like someone can still start to feel a bit smothered if you see them 24/7, so just make sure you keep a hold of your own life and your own friends. There's no rule that says you have to do everything together.

As for the bills, to be honest I don't think it matters how much you earn, you should both be paying the same.

Don't worry too much about it though, it'll take a few weeks but you'll get used to each others ways and the things that bugged you at the start will end up making you just roll your eyes and smile

Xiney

I'd be of the opinion that the bills down the middle depends on the stage their relationship is at.

Also, if she is only able to afford 500/m for rent, and there are places available for 1000/m but he absolutely wants to live somewhere that's 1200/m, then let him pay the difference.

It wouldn't be fair to expect her to pay for the type of lifestyle he may be accustomed to with his higher wage, either.

Xiney

Furthermore, be aware that if either one of you ever ends up on Jobseeker's Allowance, it won't matter if you're splitting bills down the middle up to then, the social will means test you as if you were married.

Smart Bug

Here's what I've learned (male perspective) from my experience of 'living in sin':

1. Never use a joint account for rent/bills. Unless you've both got exemplary self'control one of you'll start using it for purposes other than it's intended.

2. Share chores. Do not, under any circumstance, get into the habit of cleaning up after your oh - it can turn into a life-time habit.

3. Closely connected with 2, don't nag if he's done nothing. Just say it to him plainly & simply (us gentlemen never get hints). Communication is key.

4. Keep the toilet door closed. This may seem like a given, but trust me, when living with someone all orts of boundaries you didn't expect to cross can be crossed
To keep up the mystique (for want of a better word) do your business behind closed door (includes all grooming as well).

5. Compromise and communication are key. It'll be a big adjustment for you, both of you in fact. You'll both have your own ways of doing things. If ones an issue, talk about it. If it's not, talk about it anyway 'cos the little things can build up over a while. Actually, that applies to all living arrangments.

6. Don't nest too much - an over-profusion of cushions can freak us guys out!!

I'll post more later if'n I can think of any. So, good luck OP - this is a major step in a relationship & imo can be the most rewarding!!

Chinafoot

Xiney wrote: »

I'd be of the opinion that the bills down the middle depends on the stage their relationship is at.

Also, if she is only able to afford 500/m for rent, and there are places available for 1000/m but he absolutely wants to live somewhere that's 1200/m, then let him pay the difference.

It wouldn't be fair to expect her to pay for the type of lifestyle he may be accustomed to with his higher wage, either.

Oh agreed, absolutely.

They should only go for what they can both afford. Otherwise, I honestly think resentment will be built up along the way - on her side for feeling that she's relying on him too much financially and on his side cos he might feel like he's being taken for a mug.

She absolutely shouldn't have to pay more than she can afford due to his previous lifestyle, but neither should he have to pay more than his fair share because he happens to be on more money than she is. To assume otherwise is pretty selfish.

I'd be curious to see if the OP and her other half have actually sat down and worked out roughly how much they think the bills will be and from there plan a budget for rent and bills that they can both afford. All she said was "only thing that i don't think we will be able to split down the middle will be most of the bills as he earns quite a bit more than me." Now, perhaps she just hasn't worded it very will but that comes across like "He makes more money so he has to pay more on bills."

To me it comes down to one simple principle...if you can't afford it then you do without.

CaliforniaDream

There's been a lot of great advice in this thread that I hope you'll take on board OP.

Regarding bills, I definitely think they should be split evenly, just as you would if you were living with someone else.
You should both decide on the 'extras' that you want like broadband, tv etc. My boyfriend and I both use the internet a lot so we decided to get that and share it.
However with NTL, we had the basic package for a while as neither of us watch a lot of tv. But then he wanted the sports channels which cost €60 extra on the bill. He agreed to pay this himself as there was no way I'd ever be watching them.

So if you know you'll both use the service, split it. Otherwise come to an agreement BEFORE getting it.

I wouldn't suggest making a rota for chores. It seems a bit to strict to be doing with the person you may end up marrying/being with forever.
Decide what you're good at and don't mind doing and then that can be your responsibility. Eg, I usually do a quick tidy of the house everyday and load/unload the dishwasher and my boyfriend takes out the rubbish and will sweep/polish the floor.

Don't think that just because one of you is better at something that you shouldn't do it either! I'll leave the rubbish out if my boyfriend is away or tired and he'll do the dishes. We both cook so that's not usually a problem.
Try and do everything 50/50 if you can.

The one piece of advice that I can add is:
For every annoying habit you notice about him, guaranteed you have one that annoys him. Make an effort to please one another but don't go crazy if he leaves teabags in the sink. Remember why you wanted to move in together in the first place.

Enjoy yourselves!

wicklori

Smart Bug wrote: »

Here's what I've learned (male perspective) from my experience of 'living in sin':

1. Never use a joint account for rent/bills. Unless you've both got exemplary self'control one of you'll start using it for purposes other than it's intended.

2. Share chores. Do not, under any circumstance, get into the habit of cleaning up after your oh - it can turn into a life-time habit.

3. Closely connected with 2, don't nag if he's done nothing. Just say it to him plainly & simply (us gentlemen never get hints). Communication is key.

4. Keep the toilet door closed. This may seem like a given, but trust me, when living with someone all orts of boundaries you didn't expect to cross can be crossed
To keep up the mystique (for want of a better word) do your business behind closed door (includes all grooming as well).

5. Compromise and communication are key. It'll be a big adjustment for you, both of you in fact. You'll both have your own ways of doing things. If ones an issue, talk about it. If it's not, talk about it anyway 'cos the little things can build up over a while. Actually, that applies to all living arrangments.

6. Don't nest too much - an over-profusion of cushions can freak us guys out!!

I'll post more later if'n I can think of any. So, good luck OP - this is a major step in a relationship & imo can be the most rewarding!!

OMG! I feel like printing this out and sticking it to the fridge!

We are moving in together in 9 days (not that anyone's counting! ) and I've been looking for threads like this one-can't believe what I'm reading-all the answers to my questions!

He's working exceptionally long hard hours right now and it feels a bit like we can't enjoy looking forward to it together. I've been getting a bit nervous but I feel better after reading this thread.

Best of look OP!

LadyMayBelle

Great thread OP! I'll be moving in with my boy in a few months, we are also emigrating to the UK, just the two of us, so it will be a first time for everything. Following this thread intently.

Peopl have told me it's not all its made out to be, as in you get fed up of each others annoying little habits etc but I'm not naive enough to think it's going to be a walk in a park! I guess like anything it needs work.
The 'date night' suggestion has also been recommended to me by lots of people, especially when ye are lving in each others pockets.

Misticles

Dont' mean to hi jack OP.
Myself and my bf were supposed to move in together, we've been together since OCT 09.
Soon I know, was mainly because we miss eachother alot as we only see eachother at teh wknd for 1day as we live in different counties.
His idea to move in, I started looking for jobs there, have an interview on thurs and had one last week.
Woke up to a text this morning, saying he wasnt ready and he was freaking out about it!
marvellous or what!! needless to say Im in the horrors!

SeekUp

Misticles wrote: »

Dont' mean to hi jack OP.
Myself and my bf were supposed to move in together, we've been together since OCT 09.
Soon I know, was mainly because we miss eachother alot as we only see eachother at teh wknd for 1day as we live in different counties.
His idea to move in, I started looking for jobs there, have an interview on thurs and had one last week.
Woke up to a text this morning, saying he wasnt ready and he was freaking out about it!
marvellous or what!! needless to say Im in the horrors!

Aahh, that sucks. I know it's not much consolation, but it's definitely better that something was said earlier than after you had taken a new job and had already moved in. What a mess you would've been in then!

Misticles

Ye but I just dunno what to do now!
I am so mad with him!!

And with regards to jobs, I dunno about those either!

mollybird

so sorry to hear your news misctles. and thanks a mil to everyone for their advice. i def want to sit down with my OH to talk in detail bout the bills when i'm down on my easter hols. am well nervous but will be getting him to read these threads as i'm sure he will apppreciate it.

SeekUp

Well, if you really like the jobs for which you're interviewing, and happen to get an offer, couldn't you still move to the same city, but just live separately? That way you'll see each other more often, but not take the step of living together just yet.

Misticles

I've said that to him, but now (just off the phone) he wants to live together as a compromise for me getting the job and him wanting me to do well and what not.
I said I want you to want to live with me not have to. He explained its not that he dosnt want to, hes just not ready.

I dont wanna live with someone knowing they whole heartedly dont want to.
Also he said hes willing to live together and see how it goes, if it works it works, it dosnt it dosnt, it wont change us. Nothing ventured nothing gained and all.

Im all for the if ya wanna know me, come live with me..
and sometimes facing your fears is good, getting thrown in at the deep end and learning to survive.

He likes his own space, so do I.
We'd be going from seeing eachother once a week to everyday, admittedly Id come back up here maybe every 2nd wknd, a break for us both.

Im just so confused now... take his compromise- could work well.
or live with strangers in a city where I know a handful of people.
He really dosnt want me to live with strangers as he knows its not what I want- he rather us get a place together and play it by ear!

So confused.

OP you must be so nervous and excited at the same time! thats the way I was until this morning

oh, the job on thursday is really good, would be a great step on the career ladder for me.

John Mason

wow, do people really think about all these things

my oh,moved in over a ago and we still havent talked about anything talked about here

Chinafoot

irishbird wrote: »

wow, do people really think about all these things

my oh,moved in over a ago and we still havent talked about anything talked about here

Newsflash: not everyone is you and your OH.

Faith

My best friend and her boyfriend (of 3 years at the time) moved to the UK together in September, living together just the two of them. They'd both gone from their family homes, where they weren't used to much privacy, to living together. I warned her at the start to expect loads of fights and so on.

She told me that they get on even better since they've moved in together. No fights, no problems sharing things, and their sex life has improved. I was well impressed!

My OH and I live 80 miles apart so we tend to spend a number of days together in a row. I think I've a good idea what he'd be like to live with, apart from money stuff. I'd like to live with him, but it won't be possible for at least another year.

Kimia

I moved in with my OH many moons ago and we're now happy enough but it took some time let me tell you! Here are my pearls of wisdom:

1. Set up a joint account and decide how much each of you will put in each month. Never ever touch the joint account without the other person knowing about it (this didn't even need to be discussed, it was just respected)

2. Figure out what jobs/chores each one of you prefers/hates less and split them this way. I love cooking, my OH couldn't care less. I hate bins, I don't take out the bins etc.

3. Decide on a financial arrangement that works for you. My OH and I don't split things down the middle because we don't earn the same but we both agreed the fairest way to split these out percentage based on our salaries and we're both happy with this. Like someone said earlier, I wanted to live in a bigger place, I pay a little extra because I earn more.

4. Keep the mystery alive!!! HUGELY important. Never ever do your special alone stuff in front of your man - he's still your man and you still want him to fancy you! So leave the pore-gouging and de-fuzzing to behind closed doors. And the same should apply to him.

5. Be respectful of each other's space. Try and invest in 2 tv's - one for the bedroom/one for the sitting room, so that you can watch what you both want. Be fair and reasonable if you want a girly night/ he wants a lads poker night.

6. Try to be nice to each other as much as possible because you may have many rows and it's hard to calm down when you are stuck in the same space as each other. I looked at my OH the other night and thought, god i really love him, but sometimes I'm not that 'nice' to him if you know what i mean (like when we row etc). So i made a vow to always always try to be as nice as I can to him because he's a great person and I love him.

7. Pick up after yourself. Have respect for your home.

8. Have fun, and make sure you have a night out together once a week, or as much as you can. At least once a month. Just because you live together does not mean you're interacting like a couple. You need special date & flirty time.

Hope this helps!

John Mason

Kimia wrote: »

1. Set up a joint account and decide how much each of you will put in each month.!

i have to disagree with this.

do not set up a joint account. i did this with my ex, thought everything would be fair, we each put the same amount in each month, all the bills and rent out paid out of it.

we split up and he refused to sign the documents to close the account, it took me 2 years of fighting with him, the bank and the financial regulator to get it closed.

he was defaulting on loans left, right and centre and because we had a joint bank account my credit rating was affected, as well as the bank refusing to give me a new bank account because his personal accounts were in arrears.

i didnt know his new address and he refused to change his address with the bank, all his bills and statements were still coming to my house along with the debt collectors and guards.


edit: just remember i met up with brother ex gf who had the exact same problems with his brother which went against her when she tried to get a visa for america to live with her new husband

RedNiamhy

Good luck with the move OP. I hope it goes really well for you.

There are 2 bits of advice I would give you from my own experience.
1) Date night - say, every Wednesday night we are going to spend quality time together whether it's going out or having a nice romantic meal at home and making time to properly talk to each other.

2) Girls night - put aside one night a week for yourselves. One night a week where you give each other space whether it involves you visiting friends, having a friend over, him going out to watch a footy match. You need to make time for yourselves because you both need to maintain your independence and have some space.

I also agree with the suggestion that if something small is bothering you about your OH, or vice versa, make sure you say it. Him leaving his dirty mug on the living room table can be a bit annoying at the start but combined with other "small" things, or after an extended period of time it can be completely headwrecking!!! It's much easier to mention it before it gets to that stage. Storing things up is never good as it's gonna get out somehow at somestage.

iguana

Kimia wrote: »

Keep the mystery alive!!! HUGELY important. Never ever do your special alone stuff in front of your man - he's still your man and you still want him to fancy you! So leave the pore-gouging and de-fuzzing to behind closed doors. And the same should apply to him.

I think this can have the opposite effect if you stick to it for too long. When you share your life with each other you are going to see each other in far more "disgusting" situations than waxing your upper lip or examining your used pore strip. For example if you plan on having children it's pretty common to crap yourself during labour. Imo, it's better all around if your partner has no illusions about the fact that you are a human being before being thrown in at the deep end of the less attractive end of biology.

At the start of this year my husband had liver and kidney failure and needed a catheter, basically a tube up his urethra which gathered his urine output and collected it in a bag which hung off his bed. I know he would have found that so, so much more embarrassing if we had spent the previous years hiding our bodily functions from each other. But the fact that we are pretty matter of fact about the toilet and what happens there made it so much easier. So did dealing with the commode (and the fact that the contents needed examining), watching his blood go through a dialysis machine or helping him out when he couldn't stand and needed to give a urine sample when he was initially admitted and I had to facilitate that.

The same was true in reverse when I ended up picking up an infection in the hospital and getting admitted myself just after he was discharged. However it hasn't changed our attraction to each other and I do put a part of that down to the fact that we never tried to hide the other from the reality of being human.

G86

Misticles wrote: »

Dont' mean to hi jack OP.
Myself and my bf were supposed to move in together, we've been together since OCT 09.
Soon I know, was mainly because we miss eachother alot as we only see eachother at teh wknd for 1day as we live in different counties.
His idea to move in, I started looking for jobs there, have an interview on thurs and had one last week.
Woke up to a text this morning, saying he wasnt ready and he was freaking out about it!
marvellous or what!! needless to say Im in the horrors!

To be honest chick it does seem a huge jump to go from seeing each other once a week for 6 months to living together. Maybe if ye got a house share with other people he'd be more comfortable with that?

Chinafoot

G86 wrote: »

To be honest chick it does seem a huge jump to go from seeing each other once a week for 6 months to living together. Maybe if ye got a house share with other people he'd be more comfortable with that?

Definitely agree with that. I can't really blame your boyfriend for freaking out as it does seem very soon, especially given how much time you get to spend together at the moment. He probably feels dead guilty about backing out about it but I wouldn't go moving in just yet when you know how he really feels about it.

If it were me I'd definitely go for the houseshare and take things from there.

Edit: Just thought of something else! I hear a lot of people say "It'll be grand 'cause we practically live together already" No. No you don't. Sleeping over a few nights a week is not the same as actually living together. When you stay in your OHs house you are the guest and vice versa. Its not your space. Its a much more different scenario when you live together and are sharing this space that belongs to both of you.

SheRa

iguana wrote: »

I think this can have the opposite effect if you stick to it for too long. When you share your life with each other you are going to see each other in far more "disgusting" situations than waxing your upper lip or examining your used pore strip. For example if you plan on having children it's pretty common to crap yourself during labour. Imo, it's better all around if your partner has no illusions about the fact that you are a human being before being thrown in at the deep end of the less attractive end of biology.

At the start of this year my husband had liver and kidney failure and needed a catheter, basically a tube up his urethra which gathered his urine output and collected it in a bag which hung off his bed. I know he would have found that so, so much more embarrassing if we had spent the previous years hiding our bodily functions from each other. But the fact that we are pretty matter of fact about the toilet and what happens there made it so much easier. So did dealing with the commode (and the fact that the contents needed examining), watching his blood go through a dialysis machine or helping him out when he couldn't stand and needed to give a urine sample when he was initially admitted and I had to facilitate that.

The same was true in reverse when I ended up picking up an infection in the hospital and getting admitted myself just after he was discharged. However it hasn't changed our attraction to each other and I do put a part of that down to the fact that we never tried to hide the other from the reality of being human.

My god iguana what an an incredible relationship you and your OH have. Hope you are both feeling better now after being sick:).

Hellrazer

iguana wrote: »

I think this can have the opposite effect if you stick to it for too long. When you share your life with each other you are going to see each other in far more "disgusting" situations than waxing your upper lip or examining your used pore strip. For example if you plan on having children it's pretty common to crap yourself during labour. Imo, it's better all around if your partner has no illusions about the fact that you are a human being before being thrown in at the deep end of the less attractive end of biology.

Dont usually post in here but had to say that this is the best bit advice given on this thread.Its all well and good saying hide this and that from each other but if you really are serious and in the future go on to have kids you can throw out the idea of being all secretive about your body functions---labour will be a huge wake up especially if you have been secretive.

Kimia

I'd agree with Iguana and my post was definitely not saying to try and hide your humanity. If you're sick you're sick and there has definitely been times when my OH has seen me at my lowest ebb and vice versa. This is essential to really know each other and to be 100% comfortable that they can see you this vulnerable is important.

What I meant was that it's still nice to lock yourself away and have a bath and pamper yourself and do all that girly stuff like waxing/pore inspection/spot removal behind closed doors instead of next to him on the couch!!

Wibbs

+1 to Iguanas post. Even there people can vary sooo much. I know one couple where he has been amazingly supportive through an illness with his then GF now wife that like in Iguanas case had major potential for embarrassment. Didnt phase him, though she was very embarrassed at first. Funny though when they had two children he wasnt present for the birth. That freaked him out. She understood him and actually preferred her sister being there with her so it worked out fine. Funny how things go.

I think there's a balance. And the balance isnt to do with bodily functions as such. Its down to context. Purposely letting farts rip is a whole different ballgame to crapping oneself during childbirth. The latter wouldnt phase me with a woman I loved, the former would be marching orders time for me(Ive dumped someone before for it). Im not squeamish at all body wise, but I am dubious about letting it all hang out. IMHO shows lack of respect and self control.

Lollipops23

I moved in with my OH 6 weeks ago,havn't looked back:D It can be hard regarding chores and food shopping etc,we're still getting into our stride. I'm doing most cleaning-mainly cos I know he'll just do it wrong!However-he does the bins etc cos they're gross.

Just don't go too hard on eachother.

Kimia

Aw Wibbs - you dumped someone for farting???

Wibbs

Yep. She thought it hilarious, I didnt. No change after a while so bye bye. Not the only reason of course, but it was a good example of her lack of cop on and manners so...

BongoJuice

mollybird wrote: »

hi ladies,
moving in with my OH in may. i have never lived with a guy before. i have no idea how to play it regarding paying bills, house chores, keeping up the romance. I need all the advice i can get. We been together for nearly 4 years. doing long distance and seeing each other once or twice a week the entire length.

thanks

4 years is a long time. I was living with my bird after three months and three years later we're still together. The odd domestic but I've never had to report her. I think you should embrace the opportunity and enjoy living together.