The dreaded Facebook question

LegacyUser

So Im in my late 20s and recently met a guy on Fb. We were friends for a while, he asked me on a date..its going well.
hes one of the guys on fb with four hundred odd friends..doesnt know half of them, but shares music interests, tatoo stuff with them etc.
Alot of them are women.
When we met, I was aware that he was chatting to these women - all on FB, all out in the open..
But now that things have changed between us (we're sleeping together), Im feeling very awkward about it. He kind of flirts with the women...
Im not sure what to do. Should I say anyting? In one way, I know we met online and I know he was doing this stuff before I came along. While I wouldnt expect him to stop his face book things, I do think he should be more aware that him and I are an 'item' and that I might be feeling a bit odd about this.
Im sure there are many people here who have experienced this..what do I do or say, if anything?

LegacyUser

everyone of these social networking sites shoild be out of bounds for couples... hey cause nothing but problems. problem is with them that partners etc see ya chatting to someone and presume that your up to all sorts..

if the lad is only cahtting to people put the convos in the context of it was you saying them things to the other people and see can you see it from his perspective

califorNia

You and him are not an item.

6th

califorNia wrote: »

You and him are not an item.

Not helpful or constructive. Please go familiarise yourself with the charter.

LegacyUser

We are an item - we've agreed we're not seeing other people and that we are a couple. See alot of each other lately, and like I said, we're sleeping together, so in my eyes, we're an item!
I agree about those social networking sites being out of bounds when you're a couple..this type of stuff wouldnt have happened say, 5yrs ago. It kind of messes with your head.
Nothing has changed for him on fb since we became an item. I trust him and I know that his chats to people on fb havent changed...
It still makes me feel strange tho, when I see him flirting with someone on it though (someone he probably doesn't even know in real life mind you!!)
Any other advice...if I delete myself from his page, its making an issue of it...but in some ways, thats exactly what I want to do...

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

We are an item - we've agreed we're not seeing other people and that we are a couple. See alot of each other lately, and like I said, we're sleeping together, so in my eyes, we're an item!
I agree about those social networking sites being out of bounds when you're a couple..this type of stuff wouldnt have happened say, 5yrs ago. It kind of messes with your head.
Nothing has changed for him on fb since we became an item. I trust him and I know that his chats to people on fb havent changed...
It still makes me feel strange tho, when I see him flirting with someone on it though (someone he probably doesn't even know in real life mind you!!)
Any other advice...if I delete myself from his page, its making an issue of it...but in some ways, thats exactly what I want to do...

In his eyes are you as much an item? I know you said you had the talk etc but the fact you then say in your eyes suggests that it isnt clear cut.

I think you should delete your entire Facebook profile tbh, for someone to make comments like facebook should be out of bounds in a relationship is childish and screams of insecurity, neither qualities are good in a relationship and do more damage than Facebook does.

That may sound harsh and i dont mean to upset you but i think you are over reacting to this and being a bit of a drama queen, you cant expect someone to change their life and their habits for someone they just met.

So try and just relax a little, you have found someone you like, thats great, dont blow it by overthinking Facebook and all it entails.

LegacyUser

Firstly, it was his idea that we become an 'item'. I had been seeing someone casually when we met first...so he came to me with the idea that I stop seeing that guy and we become exclusive, which I was very happy to do.

'for someone to make comments like facebook should be out of bounds in a relationship is childish and screams of insecurity, neither qualities are good in a relationship and do more damage than Facebook does'

See this is where I would have to strongly disagree with you. I am very secure in myself, not at all clingy or needy. But I would have to be an alien from outer space not to feel strange when I see my boyfriend messaging many women on the internet with 'Hi hun...' or 'Hi sweetheart..u look gud in your profile pic' or ...later gorgeous xxx' ....

Ive seen alot of posts similar to mine on boards lately - whether its 'my boyfriend is texting other women' or 'my girlfriend is messaging other men' and the question really is 'Is this cheating?'.......
I've yet to see a definitive answer to that question though and I was hoping other people who use Fb could advise....
If I feel it's cheating...is it cheating???

Barracudaincork

IMO his messages are innocent enough I have friends of the opposite sex post similar stuff on my page and visa versa, although i dont have anyone i havent met in real life as a friend on facebook.

The fact is, he is doing this in public, where you and the whole world can see, not the actions of a cheater, and more the actions of someone who likes the attention and cheering others up with his comments.

Best thing to do is tell him how you feel, he can then at least decide if he will stop those messages or not. It mightnt be a conversation you want to have but the alternative of you fretting like this isnt much better im afraid.

LegacyUser

I find it interesting that you think Im fretting baracouda.

I think this is a male/female thing.

Since we've been in this relationship, I wouldnt consider flirting with men on FB, because I know he's watching and would think it very insulting to him. For example, why would I want to call another guy 'hun'...?

Im not saying I would change my personality for him - far from it - but I dont think men get the whole 'chatting to other women on the internet thing' when they are in a relationship.

Or perhaps they do. And they choose to ignore it.

Grawns

He's no longer a single guy so he's being disrespectful of you by going on like a single guy. You have to decide what to do with that knowledge. I'd give him a friendly talking to and see what happens.

LegacyUser

A friendly talking to...... that begins how exactly?

Im conscious that I dont want to become the bunny-boiler girlfriend who 'wants hin to change his life.

Inari

Does he call everyone 'hun'? Because I know I have names and things I say, that can come across as flirting, but are just small mannerisms of mine.

My opinion is to ask yourself "Do you trust him?" and if the answer is yes, think no more of it. If it's no, then you either find a reason to trust him, or finish the relationship, because without trust...it's a ticking time bomb.

LegacyUser

Yes I trust him. And yes, he calls all the women 'hun' or 'sweetheart'...I'll say nothing so. I think it's best to leave well enough alone even though it freaks me out a bit!

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

I find it interesting that you think Im fretting baracouda.

I think this is a male/female thing.

Sorry but that was the impression i got from your posts, in the sense that if its on your mind enough to want to seek opinions etc on it you must be fretting over the issue, im sorry if i got the wrong impression.

What do you think is a male/female thing? The fretting comment or flirting?

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes I trust him. And yes, he calls all the women 'hun' or 'sweetheart'...I'll say nothing so. I think it's best to leave well enough alone even though it freaks me out a bit!

and in real life does he call his female friends etc hun or sweetheart or is this just on the net to strangers on facebook?

LegacyUser

In real life, no, he doesnt call women friends hun or sweetheart - he doesnt have many female friends, except work colleagues anyhow. Mainly pals with the lads.
I think the facbook stuff is a male/female thing.
Ive a few friends who's boyfriends do this on FB - openly calling women (some they've never met) hun or sweetheart or leaving xx (kisses) at the end of a message.
Then messaging me/their girlfriends and using the same terms of endearment...

See I wouldnt say 'Hiya Handsome' to a guy on FB, just by way of saying hello. I would if I fancied him or if I was going out with him - but not if I'd never even met him. My friends agree - and Im aware that since we became an item, he can see my messages on FB and I've toned down my messages a bit - you know the ones about the night before (to female friends ) etc.

I think a poster hit the nail on the head when he said hes being disrespectful to me, now that we're a couple....but perhaps I'm taking it all too personally

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I think a poster hit the nail on the head when he said hes being disrespectful to me, now that we're a couple....but perhaps I'm taking it all too personally

I think what he's doing is very disrespectful towards you. You feel the same way too, but you don't want to be accused of being needy and clingy. You can't hide the way you feel. Talk to him about it, if he doesn't address your concerns (by discussing the issue with you, or doing something about his fb habit), then he's not worth the hassle.

To be quite honest, I'd be very embarrassed if my boyfriend was openly flirting with women online for all the world to see. If he can't understand why this upsets you, then he hasn't a clue about relationships and will only hurt you in other ways further down the line.

Think of it this way, would you get into a car with someone who doesn't know how to drive and is totally oblivious to the fact? If not, then why should you get into a serious relationship with someone who maybe doesn't know how to maintain a relationship and is oblivious to the fact?

Talk to him and find out if he knows how to maintain the relationship he has with you!

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

.but perhaps I'm taking it all too personally

I really think you are tbh. From what you have posted so far it doesnt look like he has done anything underhand or out of order. I really think you need to pick your battles in life and as you said to me early you arent fretting, then i have to ask you is this battle worth picking? He doesnt appear to disrespect you or treat you badly in any other way and if this is his only downfall then you are pretty lucky and need to realise that.

ztoical

Unregistered wrote: »

See I wouldnt say 'Hiya Handsome' to a guy on FB, just by way of saying hello. I would if I fancied him or if I was going out with him - but not if I'd never even met him. My friends agree - and Im aware that since we became an item, he can see my messages on FB and I've toned down my messages a bit - you know the ones about the night before (to female friends ) etc.

Seriously your getting worked up by Hiya hun or Hiya sweetheart messages on facebook? There is a difference between toning down messages relating to someone and changing your whole attitude to people. Just cus you wouldn't say "Hiya Handsome" to a guy on facebook doesn't mean others don't and doesn't mean there's anything more to it other then a greeting. I send messages like that and far worse to friends both male and female all the time and get them back from male friends in relationships whose girlfriends are also on my friend list....they mean nothing, it's how I talk with my friends and always have. If he has always talked to people like that on facebook and suddenly stopped I'd be worried...could mean he's maybe doing privately via email or something but the fact that he is treating people like he always has wouldn't ring any alarm bells for me.

Unregistered wrote: »

I think a poster hit the nail on the head when he said hes being disrespectful to me, now that we're a couple....but perhaps I'm taking it all too personally

I think you've already made up your mind about it and are just looking for people to agree with you. Your a couple so what, doesn't mean you own him. Either you trust him or you don't.

LegacyUser

I get what youre saying Barac...in so many other ways, he's a great boyfriend.

But he spends alot of time on fb. He has it on his phone too - so he would spend a huge amount of time 'chatting' to people on fb when we're together...more so when we're not together. So to me, it seems like a huge part of his life.

Tonight for instance, I was over at his house...he spent a while on his laptop...ive just logged on myself and can see loads of messages to his female 'friends'...one saying 'Aw sweetheart, don't say that, you know I didn't mean it like that xxx' (this to a girl in the UK who also shares an interest in tatoos, and who he's never met).

So while on the surface, he is doing it all out in the open...I think I'll have to say something...

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

I get what youre saying Barac...in so many other ways, he's a great boyfriend.

But he spends alot of time on fb. He has it on his phone too - so he would spend a huge amount of time 'chatting' to people on fb when we're together...more so when we're not together. So to me, it seems like a huge part of his life.

Tonight for instance, I was over at his house...he spent a while on his laptop...ive just logged on myself and can see loads of messages to his female 'friends'...one saying 'Aw sweetheart, don't say that, you know I didn't mean it like that xxx' (this to a girl in the UK who also shares an interest in tatoos, and who he's never met).

So while on the surface, he is doing it all out in the open...I think I'll have to say something...

Do what you feel you need to do, but dont expect him to see it the same as you and be prepared for the end of the relationship as a result. Im not saying he wont change his personality for you, but he might not and he might tell you its over.

TBH i think that his messages are the least of your worries, i would be more concerned about someone spending so much time online when you are there, its rude IMO. Why doesnt he spend that time paying you attention?

LegacyUser

Actually thats a very good point Bara.
But again, as I said earlier, nothing has really changed for him since we began to see each other. If we're out, I do get his full attention, no doubt. But if we're at his place or my place, the laptop or phone are usually out and he's catching up with 'friends'.
As someone else said, I dont want to appear clingy or needy and certainly dont want to ask him to stop on fb...
but as im writing, im realising that this is actually a deal breaker for me.
Im not at all pushy. I feel if he wants to pay me attention, then he will and I shouldnt really have to ask him to put down the phone or the laptop.
So I guess the bottom line is he doesnt really want to pay me attention...and prefers to fb or text in my company...we're meeting up tomorrow. I'll say something to him then.
Boards is great for writing stuff down and clearing it in your head alot of the time I find. Its always good to get other peoples opinions on things, particularly when you're not sure if you are over reactng yourself.

Peggypeg

Hey,

I don't think you're over reacting at all. I have a boyfriend and I call everyone sweetie. I did here too until I got an infraction for it . I would stop calling everyone sweetie though, if my boyfriend asked me to stop. It's just a respect thing really. I wouldn't want him to think I was flirting with other people or having cyber relationships etc. I wouldn't want him feeling all suspicious and unsettled.

My boyfriend plays video games more than the internet but he uses facebook sometimes, if I saw some questionable exchange between him and a stranger I'd ask him about it.

Trust is important, if you feel yours is threatened give him a chance to talk to you about it, tell him you don't like it and try to help him understand why.

Best of luck,
Peg,

P.s If he doesn't agree to stop it would be a dealbreaker though!

joes girls

The way he is now, is the way he was when you met him. It very well could be just his personality, and you can't expect him to change that. Are you sure your not being over sensitive about it all.
I'm sure he is not giving near as much thought to it. I don't think it's fair of you to expect him to drop all his friends just cause your an item. At the end of it, he is doing it all in the open, so I'm thinking it must be innocent enough, unless you believe he is private messaging as well.
You have to look on it this way, yes he has loads of friends on there, but he chose to meet you and start an actual real life relationship with you, not them.
I have many male friends online, and i can be flirty. But most, if not near all are married/involved, so it's all a bit of fun and banter.
He is not cheating, you should not close your FB account or take yourself off his.
I think you could ask him not to PM anyone, but what is in the open is surely no more than a bit of fun and banter. Relax a bit, but one more thing, i would not be calling over to see him and just sit there with him on the laptop, that is just rude and something he can do when your not together.

Barracudaincork

Peggypeg wrote: »

I have a boyfriend and I call everyone sweetie. I did here too until I got an infraction for it . I would stop calling everyone sweetie though, if my boyfriend asked me to stop. It's just a respect thing really. !

Reading this suggests you knowingly disrespect your boyfriend on a regular basis, and would only stop if he asked you too, which im pretty much 100% sure isnt the case. You know it means nothing when you call someone sweetie so its hardly direspectful to your boyfriend when you do it, its part of who you are and its innocent.

OP, as i said before the fact he is online when you are spending time together etc is more of a concern, either that he is trying to impress you with all his "friends" and how popular he is or he isnt keen on spending quality time with you, but i really think it would be the former, but either way that would be the issue id address, rather than the issue of his sweetheart etc comments.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Reading this suggests you knowingly disrespect your boyfriend on a regular basis, and would only stop if he asked you too, which im pretty much 100% sure isnt the case. You know it means nothing when you call someone sweetie so its hardly direspectful to your boyfriend when you do it, its part of who you are and its innocent.

I don't agree. We all have habits (knowingly or unknowingly) that irritate the hell out of others. Most of the time you don't realise until it's pointed out to you. If a bad habit was pointed out to me by a person I cared about, I would do my best to reign it in. If I'm with that person, it's obvious that I've decided they're worth my time. As a result, I would take reasonable steps to ensure that person is happy. If it involves changing or cutting back on a habit, so be it.
The op should definitely discuss her other half's online flirting. She doesn't like it, so why shouldn't she bring it up. If her other half cares, he'll make some gesture to show that he has at least taken her worries on board. Maybe it won't be necessary to cut down on his online flirting, but if he responds appropriately to the op's concerns, then everyone's happy. If she doesn't discuss it with him, resentment will build which will spell the end of the relationship.

LegacyUser

I have only one thing to say about this.Talking to women fair enough no problem.Flirting with them whole other matter.
And ask yourself this if he would have a problem with you sending messages to men calling them handsome xx on their thing who are complete strangers really.
Hun is a ok word it means nothing.Also how they react back to him on face book would be something i would look at.Basically if you feel threatened and there is no reason to feel threatened and he isnt acting suspicious, or giving out his number to these women.I would sit down and tell him how you feel.Only way anyone knows its upsetting is if you tell them after all you cant help how you feel and sometimes you should open up and say.

ghosttown

Surely the answer to this is to get him to change his FB relationship status to 'in a relationship with....(link you)..'
Then all your troubles would disappear ?

LegacyUser

ghosttown wrote: »

Surely the answer to this is to get him to change his FB relationship status to 'in a relationship with....(link you)..'
Then all your troubles would disappear ?

If that was only true,I have noticed more women go after a guy when he is with someone.
Why hasnthe changed it already though?

daisybelle2008

unregistered28 wrote: »

I don't agree. We all have habits (knowingly or unknowingly) that irritate the hell out of others. Most of the time you don't realise until it's pointed out to you. If a bad habit was pointed out to me by a person I cared about, I would do my best to reign it in. .

Well you see that is subjective. Another person might consider it a 'bad' habit. I might consider it something I enjoy and have no notion of amending my personality/habits to suit someone elses idea of what is 'good' or 'bad' or irritates them. It is usually the other persons insecurity or ego that is offended or irritated and adjusting your life to placate them is a slippery slope. (I don't mean very minor things like turning down the radio a little or driving a little slower, those are general considerations I would give to anyone).
It is down to the individual but I would think in a relationship any person who was picking holes in my lifestyle habits (facebook included) was someone I was not compatible with.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Well you see that is subjective. Another person might consider it a 'bad' habit. I might consider it something I enjoy and have no notion of amending my personality/habits to suit someone elses idea of what is 'good' or 'bad' or irritates them. It is usually the other persons insecurity or ego that is offended or irritated and adjusting your life to placate them is a slippery slope. (I don't mean very minor things like turning down the radio a little or driving a little slower, those are general considerations I would give to anyone).
It is down to the individual but I would think in a relationship any person who was picking holes in my lifestyle habits (facebook included) was someone I was not compatible with.

If I care about a person, I do my best to reign a bad habit in if it irritates them. If I don't care about them, I tell them where to go.
There's a world of difference between trying to please everyone you meet by bending to their will and compromising with your partner. It's a big deal putting yourself on the line by getting into a relationship, both sides have to be happy with what they're getting from it

Barracudaincork

unregistered28 wrote: »

I don't agree. We all have habits (knowingly or unknowingly) that irritate the hell out of others. Most of the time you don't realise until it's pointed out to you. If a bad habit was pointed out to me by a person I cared about, I would do my best to reign it in.

So you basically would change yourself for your partner but not ask the same of them, that doesnt seem very partnership like to me. Why shouldnt your partner be the one to change their view of something that annoys them, over you changing something you are and was before you met them?

I cant help but wonder what viewers would of thought if Bet Lynch was asked by a partner to stop saying "alright cock"!!!

LegacyUser

Funny Barra...:-)

Well, I'm home early which can only mean one thing.

I brought up the subject...and of course...as I knew would happen....I'm the one who's insecure. I'm the one who wants him to change...I'm the one who's needy.

Funny enough, he couldnt acknowledge that HE may possibly be the insecure one, feeling the need to have 437 friends on FB and about 3 in reality!

We didn't break up. But I left because the conversation was going nowhere.

Perhaps we're not compaitable, as someone else mentioned. Perhaps we're not...

Inari

It does sound like you're the one that's insecure though...because you're assuming that he has an ulterior motive in the FB exchanges, not to mention the Friends comment.

You are who you are, and if you care about someone that's fine...but you should care about yourself too. Changing yourself is not a solution and only creates problems. If you change yourself to suit your partner, then is it you your partner likes, or what you're trying to be? Same thing about trying to change your partner.

My two cents are this:
You fell for your partner on FB, because of who he is, his mannerisms etc. That's a big part of his life. You want that to change? Then show him there's more to life than the internet. Go out more, do different things...live life.

LegacyUser

I never said I wasnt insecure.

What I said was it would be difficult for me not to be insecure (in this relationship) when I see his interaction with so many women on Fb....

Yes we met on Fb. Yes it was what attracted me to him...
But i think when a relationship develops, things change for both parties. Personalities dont change. I dont want to change his personality. But there are things you might do when you're single, that aren't as appropriate to do, when you are in a relationship, and the other person can clearly see what you're doing.

Like call 50 other women 'hun' or 'sweetheart.....

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

Like call 50 other women 'hun' or 'sweetheart.....

I understand your concerns, but:

Someone who says 'hun' to one woman isn't predisposed to cheating. 'Hun' means something to him.

Someone who says 'hun' to fifty women isn't predisposed to cheating. 'Hun' means nothing something to him - a bit like that burly woman on Moore Street who will call everyone "love".

Someone who says 'hun' to five women may be predisposed to cheating. 'Hun' means something to him.

ztoical

Unregistered wrote: »

Like call 50 other women 'hun' or 'sweetheart.....

I call everyone honey...it started cus I was awful at remembering peoples names and now it's kinda my thing so couldn't stop even if I wanted to....I also finish all my personal emails with "luv and bubbles" again it's become habit to the point were friends think I'm annoyed with them if I don't do it. If some guy I was dating asked me to stop doing it to male friends I'd explain that's how I finish emails and if they still had an issue with it then I'd tell them they were clearly insecure and that was their issue to deal with.

I'm reminded of a friend who I went to the same bar with most fridays when in college [not just the two of us but big group] they started dating this guy and said they wouldn't be coming out any more with the group as they'd got a boyfriend and thus had no use for the bar.....is that what facebook is like for you? Now that you've got the boyfriend you don't as much use for it and don't understand why he's still using it? Not everyone goes to bars just to hook up and it's the same with facebook, yes you hooked up via it but doesn't mean he's looking to hook up with anyone else on it.

LegacyUser

No that's not what facebook is like for me at all. I never used it the way he does anyway, I used it to pm friends, catch up with people I already know, not to make new friends etc.

Alot of people have commented that Im coming across as insecure.

Just as an aside, does this mean that if you are insecure, you shouldnt be in a relationship? Are all people IN relationships, secure??

In an ideal world, yes I would love to feel more secure (in myself and in this relationship) but the reality is that seeing his activity on FB makes me terribly insecure in the relationship.

So are those of you here on boards, who are in relationships, very secure.
And am I, very insecure and should therefore not be in a relationship?
Its a serious question.

Inari

Your question is valid, but so too is this statement. We are internet personas. We are effectively personified opinions, and as such have no real bearing on your life. Take everything said here with a whole load of salt, as everything in life is your own decision.

With that out of the way;

I'm in a long term relationship. I'm insecure. I don't like guys who have feelings for my girlfriend around her. But, they're her friends and were around before I was. I respect her, I trust her, and therefore it is my cross to bear, not hers. Just because I don't like it, doesn't mean she should have to change. It's the same thing for her, I remain friends with an ex of mine, whom she really doesn't trust, but she trusts me. And as such, she accepts that it's her cross to bear.

Our advice isn't that insecure people shouldn't be in relationships, just that you shouldn't force your insecurities on others...instead, you should accept that they're your insecurities, and have to deal with them.

daisybelle2008

Unregistered wrote: »

And am I, very insecure and should therefore not be in a relationship?
Its a serious question.

Well if you rely on conditions of the relationship and the other persons behaviour to feel more secure in yourself I don't think that ever works.

You felt what you asked your boyfriend was reasonable expectation of someone in a couple. He thought it was the action of a needy insecure person who did not accept him as he was. Another person might find it cute and caring and be happy to change for you. You would be suited to someone like that.

But it is a little subjective. Some women like jealous possesive men who want to know their every move, it makes them feel better about themselves and loved.

Not sure there are many secure people who are attracted to insecure people. Personally think you are better off sorting your insecurity out yourself before getting into a relationship but Inaris reply also makes sense. If you own your own insecurity and trust and accept your partner than that seems healthy to me. However expecting them to change their habits so you feel secure is a different issue.

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

So are those of you here on boards, who are in relationships, very secure.
And am I, very insecure and should therefore not be in a relationship?
Its a serious question.

God no! Of course you should still be in a relationship, we all have insecurities its how we handle those insecurities that make the difference between the relationship working or not working. This is your insecurity, you are allowed to feel like that and have it, but its not fair when you force or impose your insecurity on your partner and visa versa. I think your insecurity is a minor one in the grand scheme of things and i have known people who wont let partners talk to members of the opposite sex (even cashiers or barstaff), that is when someone takes their insecurities to far.

Sorry last night didnt go well, hopefully time apart and thinking about things will help you both!

shellyboo

He's chatting up other women under your nose. Calling someone "gorgeous" and telling them they look great in their profile pic is inconsiderate at best - if he wouldn't do it with his gf standing beside him at a bar, he shouldn't be doing it.

Calling someone hun, sweetheart, darling isn't the issue, they're pet names. But the compliments are definitely flirtatious. I'd be asking him to stop flirting online as it's disrespectful to you and it bothers you. If he says it means nothing then he's got no reason to care about giving it up.

As for insecurity - yes OP, you are. So is everyone in the whole wide world. The difference is how we control that. If your boyfriend says he'll make an effort to stop, you need to get off his back and CONTROL your insecurity. Don't nag him when he calls someone sweetheart as long as he's not blatantly perving on them. Don't look at his Facebook if that's what it takes.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

So you basically would change yourself for your partner but not ask the same of them, that doesnt seem very partnership like to me. Why shouldnt your partner be the one to change their view of something that annoys them, over you changing something you are and was before you met them?

eh where did I say that I wouldn't ask the same of them? I'm not a martyr falling on my sword.
Why is there a blanket ban in this forum of discussing things with your partner that worries you? Nobody's perfect, if your partner does something that annoys you, you speak to them about it, and they speak to you if you're doing something that annoys them. If either partner dismisses valid concerns brought up in discussions, then basically what they're saying is 'I don't care if what I do upsets you, just put up with it'.

In my opinion OP, you were right to bring it up with your partner. If you can't discuss your relationship with your partner, you might as well not be in a relationship.

Out of interest, how many people here would say to the OP to not bring it up if her partner came home smelling of drink on a regular basis? That it's just the way he is and she shouldn't try to change him because that's the way he was before they met? In fact that's how they met, he chatted her up when he was langers in the pub! So would it be alright to discuss something like that? Would you call the OP insecure because she wants to tell her partner to stop drinking? Or is worrying about his drinking more valid than worrying he's chatting up other women? Would the OP's happiness be more important in one situation than the other? If so why?

Jaxxy

Personally I think you had a legitimate reason to broach this subject with your boyfriend. If it's an issue for you and something that made you uncomfortable then you're entitled to tell him as much. He mightn't think it's a big deal, but you do. So you have a duty to each other if you want to continue this relationship to try and meet in the middle somewhere. Constantly butting heads over an issue and having neither side budge isn't conducive to a healthy relationship.

Being on his phone and on his laptop regularly while he is in your company isn't exactly fair. It would be different if you were both engrossed in your respective hobbies simultaneously and just enjoying each others company. But if he's IMing and chatting on FB with other women or "catching up with friends" as he put it (and let's face it, they're not his REAL friends, he doesn't know these people IN REAL LIFE - internets ppl < real ppl) then I can see why you would feel a little put out.

If I were in your situation I'd request that when you're together, spending some quality "couple" time, that he ease up on the FB. It's not an outlandish request, and I fundamentally disagree with some of the previous posters' opinions that this is the way he is and why should he change it. It's a very simple request and if he truly cares about you he'll try his best to keep you and his FB addiction as separate as he can. I hope it works out for you, OP.

Barracudaincork

unregistered28 wrote: »

eh where did I say that I wouldn't ask the same of them?

You did when you said you would change for your partner, ie referring you would change you but not ask them to change themselves, ie them stop getting upset over an issue, does that answer your "eh?"

Re your drink comment, you cant compare the two, there are health issues with drinking alone, its like comparing cheese and purple.

Where did you see there is a blanket ban on talking about things with your ex? I think if anything most posts have people saying talk, communiate etc but get over your own insecurities too.

ztoical

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Where did you see there is a blanket ban on talking about things with your ex? I think if anything most posts have people saying talk, communiate etc but get over your own insecurities too.

+ 1 no one is saying there shouldn't communication in a relationship but the implication has been that if he refuses to stop doing something then it's a deal breaker which sounds more like wanting to control someone. Frankly if I was the boyfriend and you asked me to stop using terms of endearments on facebook and spending so much time on FB I'd get a little paranoid about everything I wrote online after that....would start worrying your checking up on me and might take any little comment regardless how it was meant as something else and would just end up unhappy.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

You did when you said you would change for your partner, ie referring you would change you but not ask them to change themselves, ie them stop getting upset over an issue, does that answer your "eh?"

Re your drink comment, you cant compare the two, there are health issues with drinking alone, its like comparing cheese and purple.

My question was valid. As I explained already, if I truly cared for a partner, I would not dismiss his concerns. I would expect the same treatment from him.

To be honest, either you think it's ok to want to discuss and/or change your partner's habits, or you think it's not. If your partner believed that he/she didn't have a drink problem, it would ultimately mean that you want to change him/her to keep yourself happy. No amount of discussion about health matters will alter the fact that you want to change your partner in order to fulfil your own happiness.

The OP has an issue with her partner's online flirting. Talking it out with him is the only way to resolve it. I don't believe she's insecure for wanting to talk about it, in fact it shows she values herself highly and wants to make sure that she's made the right decision before fully committing to her partner. I can't see how anyone could settle for anything less!

LegacyUser

ztoical wrote: »

+ 1 no one is saying there shouldn't communication in a relationship but the implication has been that if he refuses to stop doing something then it's a deal breaker which sounds more like wanting to control someone.

Saying something is a dealbreaker doesn't mean you're trying to control your partner, it means you realise that it's never going to work out and you don't want to be with your partner anymore

ztoical

unregistered28 wrote: »

Saying something is a dealbreaker doesn't mean you're trying to control your partner, it means you realise that it's never going to work out and you don't want to be with your partner anymore

Maybe not to you but to me it would be cus there are only two options there either [a] change to what I want or I leave.

Barracudaincork

unregistered28 wrote: »

My question was valid. As I explained already, if I truly cared for a partner, I would not dismiss his concerns. I would expect the same treatment from him.

To be honest, either you think it's ok to want to discuss and/or change your partner's habits, or you think it's not.

Not dismissing someones concerns and changing are two different things, so what would you do after your didnt dismiss their concerns? Change or not change?

I think its ok to discuss your partners habits, but not to change them, that is not your job and its not their job to change you, its up to everybody to change themselves to be a better etc person.

LegacyUser

Thanks alot folks for all these interesting comments! It does help to put things in perspective when there are some differing opinions on my 'situation'..and I appreciate the time people have taken for their input here.

So we were out last night, and when we're out, things are always great. Had a lovely nite as always.

Have to disagree with you ztocial when you said...'If I was your boyfriend ......I would start worrying your checking up on me and might take any little comment regardless how it was meant as something else and would just end up unhappy'....

The nature of FB is that everyone can see what you say (well, your cyber friends)......looking at someones fb page, and checking your own notifications is NOT spying....most definitely not..checking someones phone or looking at their private messages could be considered as spying....but seeing his messages to the 'public' couldn't...