Lies

MelanieC

Here's one - am I making too much of this? :rolleyes:

So the OH went to the local for a few pints the other evening, said he'd be home for dinner. When there was no sign of him coming home I texted and he rang me saying there was a match just about to start, his team, and would I mind if he stayed on to watch it coz he doesn't support a big team so doesn't get to see their matches on TV all that often. Ok I said, see you later so.

Only then I was watching the news and the sport came on and your man said there had been only one fixture that night and it wasn't OH's team. There was no match. He made it up.

When he came home I asked how the match had been and he proceeded to tell me who they'd been playing and what the score was. It was then that I said I knew there was no match, he got very indignant at me daring to not believe him and threw a strop. The cheek like! :eek:

Anyway, eventually he had to admit there had been no match and said he was sorry for lying but that he had to to avoid an argument, that if he had just rang and said he was going to stay out drinking without "a reason" I'd only been nagging and giving out. (Which is unfair coz I'm quite good about that - within reason.)

He thinks I'm making too much of it (he would!) and that it was only a white lie to avoid a row. I realise he wasn't lying about another woman or anything mega-serious like that. I absolutely hate lies above all else though and feel like I'm going to be doubting everything he says now which isn't right in a relationship.
Also to lie to me and then turn around and blame me for making him lie is unfair.
What do you guys think? It's not a "Leave Him!" situation I know but the little things upset me more than the big things sometimes.

BTW, how do you post a thread anonymously? I've seen other posters come up "unregistered" but I don't know how.

MaxPower89

I think you should be telling him exactly what you wrote here.

Explain that you really hate lying, white lies or not. This really should be a problem that you can work out between yourselves. Lads can be often guilty of making up silly lies, thinking that its a better way to do things.

I'd forget about it for now, tell him that you would perfer honesty in a situation like this.

Sleepy

Ye need to talk about it. He obviously feels you're too controlling if he has to resort to lying in order to spend some time drinking with his friends.

The "I'm quite good about that - within reason." line in your post makes me think he has a point tbh, OP. Unless he intends to spend every other night at the pub with his friends, I can't see why he shouldn't be able to do it once or twice a week (with, of course, you getting to do whatever you'd like to do on your own on the same / other nights).

Nevyn

How to post unregistered.

He fibbed about his team playing cos he was having a good evening and didn't want to leave the company he was in. So talk to him about not fibbing and about how you will be understanding of him going out for an evening and his plans changing.

MelanieC

Thanks guys. Sleepy, when i say i'm quite good about it-within reason- I mean exactly what you said - 1 or 2 nights a week in the pub I've no problem with, I'm usually watching some soap or reality tv crap anyway! But sometimes if I let him, he gets carried away and it does turn into every other night. It's not so much me trying to control him as laying down some fair ground rules.

Part of the problem is he works so hard. He's currently doing a very intensive college course Mon - Thurs, has loads of assignments to do constantly and works a part-time job at the weekends. So practically every night he's stressed and then that can turn into practically every night unwinding with drink which isn't the healthiest way to live! In a sense I understand how working that hard and being under so much pressure would make you want to spend any free time relaxing with a few drinks, I really do. But on the other hand I feel when he has so little free time, he should come home to me.

Thing is he wasn't even with friends the other night. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't drinking by himself in the corner or anything but it's just the regulars he'd be chatting to in there, men 40 or 50 years older than him, not his friends.....the company can't have been that great that he'd lie to stay with them!

LegacyUser

MelanieC wrote: »

But on the other hand I feel when he has so little free time, he should come home to me.

the company can't have been that great that he'd lie to stay with them!

It seem to me that the real issue is that you are not happy with the fact he doesn't spend more of his free time with you. You do come across a bit controlling in your posts. He is a grown man, in a relationship with you, but shouldn't have to answer to you about what he want's to do with his free time.

MelanieC

Thanks sunflower.
The post above could have been written by him himself!!! He's constantly telling me that he's 27 years of age and doesn't have to answer to me or anyone about what he does or where he goes.
But it's not a case of having to "answer to me", just a case of considering me and being honest with me, as his partner. :rolleyes:

I think you're right sunflower about him needing to grow up. The more I think about his behaviour, the more it seems like a bold child lying to its mother so it won't get in trouble. We've all done it.
But as kids. Not as adults.
And to our parents. Not our partners.

He needs to start acting his age and acting like one half of a committed reationship and I'm going to tell him so, even if he doesn't like it! (Which he won't!!) :rolleyes:

Sleepy

MelanieC wrote: »

Thanks guys. Sleepy, when i say i'm quite good about it-within reason- I mean exactly what you said - 1 or 2 nights a week in the pub I've no problem with, I'm usually watching some soap or reality tv crap anyway! But sometimes if I let him, he gets carried away and it does turn into every other night. It's not so much me trying to control him as laying down some fair ground rules.

The words I've bolded jump out a mile even without the editing. What you see as fair ground rules, I'd see as you looking to control him tbh and I'm guessing he sees it the same.

It sounds to me like you want him to spend time watching soaps or reality TV with you? I'm sorry but 99.9% of men don't enjoy that. If the relationships to have any future you should be doing things together that you both enjoy and indulging your individual interests separately.

Mighty_Mouse

But sometimes if I let him, he gets carried away and it does turn into every other night. It's not so much me trying to control him as laying down some fair ground rules.

(Which is unfair coz I'm quite good about that - within reason

Every bloke has got the inner 3 yr old child who hates being told what to do, instructions, limitations, rules etc etc etc.............. independence & pride are closely linked. Mess with either of them and it results in anger or demoralisation.

Even if you "let him" down the pub for a few beers occasionally he'll hate ya for it!!
Basically you need to:
a) lighten up - go have a few beers some random night you shouldn't
b) get to a point where he makes his own decisions whilst considering yours.
ie. if he has any brains he'll bring you to cinema, dinner, play, cook & clean randomly, buy you presents etc etc etc & ie keep ya happy so he feck off when he feels like it for a few!!
Plus if he's really good, you'll encourage him cos "he'll deserve it"!!

LegacyUser

OP is this the same guy who was giving you all the hassle last year?
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055614267

stackerman

Sleepy wrote: »

Ye need to talk about it. He obviously feels you're too controlling if he has to resort to lying in order to spend some time drinking with his friends.

The "I'm quite good about that - within reason." line in your post makes me think he has a point tbh, OP. Unless he intends to spend every other night at the pub with his friends, I can't see why he shouldn't be able to do it once or twice a week (with, of course, you getting to do whatever you'd like to do on your own on the same / other nights).

That the way I see it

Sharlovesjohn

Sleepy wrote: »

The words I've bolded jump out a mile even without the editing. What you see as fair ground rules, I'd see as you looking to control him tbh and I'm guessing he sees it the same.

It sounds to me like you want him to spend time watching soaps or reality TV with you? I'm sorry but 99.9% of men don't enjoy that. If the relationships to have any future you should be doing things together that you both enjoy and indulging your individual interests separately.

Sorry sleepy but I don't think you get what she is trying to say here

She's has no problem with him going down to the pub to have a few drinks with his mates but if she doesnt put her foot down and say well you know you've gone out friday and saturday night dont you think you should stay at home sunday night? He will end up going out every night or every second night who needs to go pub more then twice a week anyway?
If he does he must be on good money to be paying his way and getting to go out like that!

Her problem here is that he lied to her....

if he's lying so he can go pub (not to spent it with his mates)
I think there has to be a problem on his side he's 27 not 21 he needs to cop on and realise he's got a family to think about not just his own needs and wants.

MelanieC

Thanks Shar, you get precisely where I'm coming from. Sleepy, you're missing the point completely! When I say he could get carried away and spend every night in the pub "if I let him" I don't mean that I'm trying to control him or tell him what to do, I mean that left to our own devices and forgetting responsibilities, we'd all do things like that. Like a keen golfer might spend every day on the course without even noticing if allowed to or a workaholic might spend every hour God sends working, not realising they're neglecting other areas of their life unless someone says to them "hey, too much!" Hell, if he let me I'd probably spend all my time (and money!) shopping but I trust that as my partner he would say to me that I need to reign it in and prioritise my time and activities. That's what I mean. It's called compromise Sleepy and it's an integral part of any relationship. (I don't know if you are in a relationship, I'm thinking maybe not or you would surely understand this.)

Also like I believe I have already said, I do not expect him to watch soaps or reality TV with me!!! Hello, he'd drive me mad! :rolleyes: That is what I'm into. He is into sport and a few pints down the pub. It's fine coz we both have separate interests which we naturally enjoy separately. I just expect him not to spend an inordinate amount of time pursuing an individual interest so that family time gets pushed out. Equally I will make sure I don't do the same and if I ever am, he will call me on it, like I did him and I appreciate and understand that in a committed relationship coz it's important for everyone that individual time and family time both feature equally.

Anyways, we've had a chat and he knows he was wrong to lie. Trust me, he won't do it again! And I know he's under a lot of pressure at the mo so a few allowances have to be made on my side too. We are going out for dinner tonight as we missed Valentines Night coz he was working. I'm looking forward to it, it's been a while. So if he goes for a few pints tomorrow night, great. He deserves it. And I'll be watching the Eastenders Live Special anyway! (So excited about that - how sad am I?!) Everyone's a winner! :):)

stackerman

MelanieC wrote: »

Thanks Shar, you get precisely where I'm coming from. Sleepy, you're missing the point completely! When I say he could get carried away and spend every night in the pub "if I let him" I don't mean that I'm trying to control him or tell him what to do, I mean that left to our own devices and forgetting responsibilities, we'd all do things like that. Like a keen golfer might spend every day on the course without even noticing if allowed to or a workaholic might spend every hour God sends working, not realising they're neglecting other areas of their life unless someone says to them "hey, too much!" Hell, if he let me I'd probably spend all my time (and money!) shopping but I trust that as my partner he would say to me that I need to reign it in and prioritise my time and activities. That's what I mean. It's called compromise Sleepy and it's an integral part of any relationship. (I don't know if you are in a relationship, I'm thinking maybe not or you would surely understand this.)

Also like I believe I have already said, I do not expect him to watch soaps or reality TV with me!!! Hello, he'd drive me mad! :rolleyes: That is what I'm into. He is into sport and a few pints down the pub. It's fine coz we both have separate interests which we naturally enjoy separately. I just expect him not to spend an inordinate amount of time pursuing an individual interest so that family time gets pushed out. Equally I will make sure I don't do the same and if I ever am, he will call me on it, like I did him and I appreciate and understand that in a committed relationship coz it's important for everyone that individual time and family time both feature equally.

Anyways, we've had a chat and he knows he was wrong to lie. Trust me, he won't do it again! And I know he's under a lot of pressure at the mo so a few allowances have to be made on my side too. We are going out for dinner tonight as we missed Valentines Night coz he was working. I'm looking forward to it, it's been a while. So if he goes for a few pints tomorrow night, great. He deserves it. And I'll be watching the Eastenders Live Special anyway! (So excited about that - how sad am I?!) Everyone's a winner! :):)

I get what you are trying to say, but I also have to point out that your way with words is . . . . . . .
Well I'll just say that it prob seemed better for him to lie at the time rather that listen to a lecture from you (even though you may be right in what your saying). Maybe try to watch how you talk to him, because it does come accross as controlling

Nevyn

But adults don't shirk thier responsiblities like that, he should't have to have you remind him or nag him to do so and you shouldn't have to do it.

stackerman

Thaedydal wrote: »

But adults don't shirk thier responsiblities like that, he should't have to have you remind him or nag him to do so and you shouldn't have to do it.

I agree with that, but she doesnt need to talk down to him. It sound to me that doing that will have the opp effect to what she wants, and yes that IS a reflection on him (both actually).

MelanieC

Ha ha ha!!
I knew either you Keving or Sleepy would pick up on me saying "trust me, he won't do it again!" That's why I put it in!!!
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
He won't do it again because he knows lies of any sort in a relationship aren't good.
And yes Thad I know I shouldn't have to remind a grown man to act properly but that's life, sometimes you just do have to!
He's a silly boy sometimes but I love him!

stackerman

Enjoy your dinner

kenbrady

MelanieC wrote: »

He needs to start acting his age and acting like one half of a committed reationship and I'm going to tell him so, even if he doesn't like it! (Which he won't!!) :rolleyes:

Maybe instead of telling him what you want him to do, ask him if he wants to be in a committed relationship with you. You are replying to some of the other posters like they are bold children, so I can understand how your boyfriend feels and why he lied to you.
If you are 32 and he is 27 I think the age gap might becoming an issue. Up to now you were both on the same page having fun etc. Now you are looking for more commitment and responsibility were he is still interested in having fun.

metrovelvet

Wow. He may behave like a child but you behave like a parent. I'd lie to you too.

Seems like hes into his student life and you are into the domestic paradigm. TBH, to be either of you, with either of you would suffocate anyone.

I cant imagine a sex life with this parent child stuff going on.

sexdwarf

metrovelvet wrote: »

Wow. He may behave like a child but you behave like a parent. I'd lie to you too.

Seems like hes into his student life and you are into the domestic paradigm. TBH, to be either of you, with either of you would suffocate anyone.

I cant imagine a sex life with this parent child stuff going on.

I have to agree with this. I fully acknowledge that his lie was out of order but you really do come across like the mammying girlfriend. If I tried that malarky with my OH or he with me, there would be a serious discussion.

Comments like 'If I let him' and 'he's a silly boy' :eek: really do show an underlying attitude, and obviously he hasn't failed to pick up on this.
All I'm saying is lay off the mammy routine a bit, obviously don't tolerate lies but remember, he's a grown man and doesn't need permission. If you feel he's taking you and your relationship for granted, that's a separate issue and you need to sit and discuss that in an adult fashion.

Sleepy

MelanieC wrote: »

Sleepy, you're missing the point completely! When I say he could get carried away and spend every night in the pub "if I let him" I don't mean that I'm trying to control him or tell him what to do, I mean that left to our own devices and forgetting responsibilities, we'd all do things like that. Like a keen golfer might spend every day on the course without even noticing if allowed to or a workaholic might spend every hour God sends working, not realising they're neglecting other areas of their life unless someone says to them "hey, too much!" Hell, if he let me I'd probably spend all my time (and money!) shopping but I trust that as my partner he would say to me that I need to reign it in and prioritise my time and activities. That's what I mean. It's called compromise Sleepy and it's an integral part of any relationship. (I don't know if you are in a relationship, I'm thinking maybe not or you would surely understand this.)

I'm in a relationship alright but my idea of compromise is a bit different to yours. I'd see him going to the pub to pursue his interests whilst you pursue your interest in soaps and reality TV a compromise...

My advice was to consider how ye spend your time as a couple a bit more. Vegging on the couch in front of something mindless doesn't qualify as any sort of quality time to me and I'd be a firm believer that having 2/3 nights of quality time together a week and spending the others persuing your individual interests will lead to a stronger relationship than one where ye spend every night together where at least one of you is bored out of their mind.

Sharlovesjohn

metrovelvet wrote: »

Wow. He may behave like a child but you behave like a parent. I'd lie to you too.

Seems like hes into his student life and you are into the domestic paradigm. TBH, to be either of you, with either of you would suffocate anyone.

I cant imagine a sex life with this parent child stuff going on.

So your saying because he's getting into student life its ok for him to diss his responsiblities and lied to her ?

Maybe she feels like she has to be the parent I know in my relationship I couldnt trust my OH to remember bills need to be paid etc whiles he's having his few pints in the pub and im 21 and he's 27

There is always going to be some part in every relationship where someone has to point out that the OH is crossing the line i know i could have spent alot more on shopping if my man didn't stop me or him drink his wages away if I didnt warn him

he's 27 whether a student or not he's got responsiblties and if his OH feels like she needs to remind him of this he shouldnt have to lie to get out of them

I'd like to know how is she controlling him?
She doesnt have a problem with him wanting to go to the pub?
so?

Sleepy - maybe u can answer this one? seeing as you seem to think she doesn't compromise?

Because to me you described excalty what was going on ?
'him going to the pub to pursue his interests whilst you pursue your interest in soaps and reality TV'
Also your the one who said I'd be a firm believer that having 2/3 nights of quality time together a week - now you have also said ' I'd see as you looking to control him tbh' about if she let him do as he pleases he'd be in pub everynight/every second night ?


Im not ranting at anyone i just feel like she's been attacked for the way she's wording this all I understand how you guys may think she's controlling but your not looking at the underlines

If you dont agree with what i said thats cool with me just my opinion

metrovelvet

Im saying if someone spoke to me like that, I would lie. I lie to my mother on a regular basis and then she calls me a liar. I lie because I donttwant to deal with her.

People lie all the time. Everyone yaps on about how wrong it is, but i would bet everyone does it aout 3 times a day.

Yeah, maybe he should have to told op he wanted to stay in the pub but op should not be with someone who would rather be in the pub.

Dont be with drinkers. Leave them. And stop cooking for them.

dearg lady

For me personally, having been in relationships where the guy had to be almost 'pressured' into spending time with me, and also ones where they really wanted to, I can see a huge difference now. You reckon you have to reign in his desire to spend every night in the pub OP, but if I were you, I'd be asking why he doesn't want to spend the time at home with you and your daughter..

Yes, we all have outside interests and separate lives, but if you have to nag him to spend time with you, and he feels the need to lie about it, I would seriously question his commitment to the relationship.

LegacyUser

dearg lady wrote: »

Yes, we all have outside interests and separate lives, but if you have to nag him to spend time with you, and he feels the need to lie about it, I would seriously question his commitment to the relationship.

I agree with this. It's a pain in the face being with someone who doesn't put as much into the relationship as you do. It's also a drain on your confidence and general enjoyment of life.
You have to ask yourself what's more important-your quality of life, or committing to a relationship where you seem to be getting very little in return.

Sallyanne3

Sometimes enough is enough. Stop compromising. You can compromise too much sometimes, and maybe you're past that point, where it has become ridiculous.

until you stop compromising he will continue to walk over you, and do exactly what he knows is making the sitaution bad in the first place.

Some men do that. Its a game. 'How far can i push until she will take no more?'

You are not a control freak, I would say you are perfectly normal and healthy in attitude.

Tell him what YOU want, if he can't give you that, ask him to leave, as this can't be healthy for you or your child or him.

You'd be doing the best for all concerned. You may be very upset for a while, but it will pass, and you can move on.

I'm talking from experience, and he needs a wake up call. If that doesn't work he shouldn't be there, and believe me it IS that black and white when it comes down to it. No Bulls***

Sallyanne3

metrovelvet wrote: »

Im saying if someone spoke to me like that, I would lie. I lie to my mother on a regular basis and then she calls me a liar. I lie because I donttwant to deal with her.

People lie all the time. Everyone yaps on about how wrong it is, but i would bet everyone does it aout 3 times a day.

Yeah, maybe he should have to told op he wanted to stay in the pub but op should not be with someone who would rather be in the pub.

Dont be with drinkers. Leave them. And stop cooking for them.

And this is very true. But when these 'white lies' and his drinking is didstressing you so much... don't put up .. p.s i know you're in your 30's wit a kid, don't ever think if you let him go you won't get someone better... oldest mindgame in the book... (can't help thinking he may be just needing a place to crash anyway until college has finished..don't want to sound bitter, but i'm defo speaking my mind..!!)

I've been here, done all this, make a full stop punctuation and go off and be happy, and enjoy your freedom...

MelanieC

Wow!
First of all Metrovelvet, thank you for your concern but our sex-life is very healthy!!! ;);)
And by your own admission you lie all the time so as to avoid conflict so I'm not going to argue with you, you've clearly laid your cards on the table there. You think it's ok to lie if it gets you out of trouble. I don't. And you may think I sound like a mother but you would when you sound like a child. Even my 9 year old has grown out of cover-up lying. So we'll have to agree to disagree.

Also Sleepy, like I said before I do not expect him to sit indoors and watch the soaps with me. And like I said before I do not have any problem with him going to the pub for a few pints. He works hard, he deserves it. And no he doesn't need permission! But he does need to not lie to me about it, which is what I have said from the start - that's my point!! And yes, 2 or 3 nights spent together enjoying shared interests while pursuing individual ones the rest of the week would be lovely but the fact is there's a child involoved. So sometimes we do get a sitter and go out together but not 2 or 3 times a week! Believe me, I'd like to but again - compromise. The only issue here is that lying, for whatever reason, is not acceptable. And that every relationship is based on give and take. Sometimes the balance can become uneven - of course it will from time to time, that's only natural in even the most stable of relationships - and it's no harm for one or both parties to identify that and rectify it before any resentment or bad feeling breeds.

Shar, I think you're the only one who gets my original point and isn't tryng to turn it into something else! I just simply will not tolerate being lied to for even the smallest of reasons as I think it is the height of disrespect and respect and honesty are so important in a loving relationship. We've talked this out and he knows it wasn't on as he would hate if I ever lied to him too. We have a very strong loving relationship, just sometimes little things have to be tweaked here and there as with every relationship on the planet. :rolleyes:

As for him living the student life!! It's not like that at all!! He's a mature student in a small class in a small town. He's doing it to improve his prospects so we will have a better future as a family. So it's not a case of me being all family-orientated while he just wants to be out at wild parties or something! We both want the same things and are striving for them. Just sometimes it gets on top of him and he heads to the pub to de-stress. Which I totally understand. Just don't lie. Original point. :rolleyes:

Oh and btw, he's the first one to admit he's a "silly boy" sometimes! He often calls me a "cry baby" (which I am!) It's just our different personalities, part of why we clash but also part of why we love each other so much. Honestly, some of you will pick out anything and try to make it into something bad even when it isn't!

stackerman

MelanieC wrote: »

Here's one - am I making too much of this? :rolleyes:

Well you are the one that asked :rolleyes:
Next time I see MelanieC I'll just keep my thoughts to myself,
Best of luck to you both though.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

MelanieC wrote: »

Wow!
I just simply will not tolerate being lied to for even the smallest of reasons as I think it is the height of disrespect and respect and honesty are so important in a loving relationship.

I think you're getting a lot of hassle for daring to even question your boyfriend.
What I think is funny is if you question men on attributes they like in a woman, they'd often say they want a woman who knows what she wants and has good self esteem, self confidence. A woman who has no self esteem or confidence would stay with and accept a man who treats her badly and lies to her.
You're right to question him*, your self esteem, along with your confidence and trust in the relationship is at risk. If he doesn't understand that you have to have honesty in a relationship, and that you need to be reassured that the relationship isn't going down the toilet, then he's very immature and doesn't realise the impact his lie has made (or he does realise the impact, and doesn't want to back down because if he does, he's admitting he's immature and thoughtless)


*Of course asking him questions constantly wouldn't be good for you either, but you've made it clear that you're quite happy for him to have his own time. I'm really surprised you've had accusations of nagging thrown at you! But then the 'I don't like high maintenance women' propaganda machine has been on the go for a while now, and it seems looking for respect from a partner equates to being 'high maintenance' nowadays!

Angus Og

I agree. If you won't tolerate being lied to, then don't.

By the way, which team does he support? Or did I miss the part where you said it?

MelanieC

Unregistered, thank you. I too was gobsmacked to get all this negativity and be labelled nagging and controlling just for daring to call my OH up on a lie. If I just rolled over and took it I would be called a pushover with no self-respect yet when I dare to stand up for myself and question him on it, I'm ngging and bossy??!!! :eek:
You're right, there is no winning. Confident self-respecting women are magnificent in theory but not so much in practice to a lot of people it would seem! :rolleyes:

Kevin,I did originally ask if I was making too much of the lie, that's true. I just wanted a guy's perspective on things and wondered if maybe guys tell these kinds of little lies when it comes to their teams and matches and the like, I don't know. But I'm not going to be accused of being nagging or controlling or trying to trap a free spirit enjoying student life into a prison sentence of domesticity coz that's just so far removed from reality for both of us it's crazy! It's just not true and I know he doesn't see it that way either so all that talk is just inaccurate, unhelpful and pointless that's all.

I make no apologies for calling him up on his lying. We've discussed it at length and now we both know how the other one feels and it won't happen again. Had I kept quiet, he would've carried on thinking it was no big deal, I would've been keeping the knowledge that my OH lied to me festering inside me, and who knows, it might have gone on and escalated and threatened the balance of our relationship in the long run and that would've been much worse.

Oh and Angus, he follows Notts Forest! Does that make a difference to the story??!

metrovelvet

MelanieC wrote: »

Wow!
First of all Metrovelvet, thank you for your concern but our sex-life is very healthy!!! ;);)
And by your own admission you lie all the time so as to avoid conflict so I'm not going to argue with you, you've clearly laid your cards on the table there. You think it's ok to lie if it gets you out of trouble. I don't. And you may think I sound like a mother but you would when you sound like a child. Even my 9 year old has grown out of cover-up lying. So we'll have to agree to disagree.

Also Sleepy, like I said before I do not expect him to sit indoors and watch the soaps with me. And like I said before I do not have any problem with him going to the pub for a few pints. He works hard, he deserves it. And no he doesn't need permission! But he does need to not lie to me about it, which is what I have said from the start - that's my point!! And yes, 2 or 3 nights spent together enjoying shared interests while pursuing individual ones the rest of the week would be lovely but the fact is there's a child involoved. So sometimes we do get a sitter and go out together but not 2 or 3 times a week! Believe me, I'd like to but again - compromise. The only issue here is that lying, for whatever reason, is not acceptable. And that every relationship is based on give and take. Sometimes the balance can become uneven - of course it will from time to time, that's only natural in even the most stable of relationships - and it's no harm for one or both parties to identify that and rectify it before any resentment or bad feeling breeds.

Shar, I think you're the only one who gets my original point and isn't tryng to turn it into something else! I just simply will not tolerate being lied to for even the smallest of reasons as I think it is the height of disrespect and respect and honesty are so important in a loving relationship. We've talked this out and he knows it wasn't on as he would hate if I ever lied to him too. We have a very strong loving relationship, just sometimes little things have to be tweaked here and there as with every relationship on the planet. :rolleyes:

As for him living the student life!! It's not like that at all!! He's a mature student in a small class in a small town. He's doing it to improve his prospects so we will have a better future as a family. So it's not a case of me being all family-orientated while he just wants to be out at wild parties or something! We both want the same things and are striving for them. Just sometimes it gets on top of him and he heads to the pub to de-stress. Which I totally understand. Just don't lie. Original point. :rolleyes:

Oh and btw, he's the first one to admit he's a "silly boy" sometimes! He often calls me a "cry baby" (which I am!) It's just our different personalities, part of why we clash but also part of why we love each other so much. Honestly, some of you will pick out anything and try to make it into something bad even when it isn't!

You really do sound like a mammy. Jesus Christ. My own mammy wasnt even as mammyish.

LegacyUser

MelanieC wrote: »

Had I kept quiet, he would've carried on thinking it was no big deal, I would've been keeping the knowledge that my OH lied to me festering inside me, and who knows, it might have gone on and escalated and threatened the balance of our relationship in the long run and that would've been much worse.

And this is the reason that a lot of women question men if they think they're lying. It's not a control issue, it's the fact that some of the trust is gone which will compound over time and possibly result in the relationship ending. And who in their right mind would want to throw away a perfectly good relationship over what could be a silly misunderstanding?

Bottom line is that a little reassurance on both sides in a relationship goes a long way to keeping things balanced. If you've a valid reason to believe your genuine worries are being dimissed, it spells the end of the relationship unless the issues are addressed by both sides.

Glad to hear you sorted it out anyway, and what the hell are you doing going out with a guy who supports Notts Forest? : P

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

My own mammy wasnt even as mammyish.

Maybe you should stand up for yourself and call her on it

Barracudaincork

MelanieC wrote: »

We've discussed it at length and now we both know how the other one feels and it won't happen again.

If you think he disrespected you so much in the first place to lie, why do you beleive he isnt lying about this? What makes this so different as you previously said he lied about the match, to avoid being nagged, what makes you so sure he hasnt just told you what you wanted to hear so you will drop it? I ask this not to seem mean, but i really want to know why you beleive him.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

If you think he disrespected you so much in the first place to lie, why do you beleive he isnt lying about this? What makes this so different as you previously said he lied about the match, to avoid being nagged, what makes you so sure he hasnt just told you what you wanted to hear so you will drop it? I ask this not to seem mean, but i really want to know why you beleive him.

I don't see the point to your question, except to cause doubt where there now is none. MelanieC has said that both her and her partner have discussed the issue- such discussions are the basis of healthy relationships the world over.

Unless you think she should go on 'nagging' (to use your term) her partner. Hardly the stuff of a healthy relationship.

And no question about it, it IS a sign of disrespect to your partner if you baldly lie about something and then try to cover it up

metrovelvet

unregistered wrote: »

Maybe you should stand up for yourself and call her on it

Because I dont care whether or not I have a relationship with her. ANd that is why people start lying. When they dont care anymore. I lie when I stop trusting. If you want people to be honest then they have to trust that you are not going to hurt them with the truth.

Its a two way street.

Barracudaincork

unregistered wrote: »

I don't see the point to your question, except to cause doubt where there now is none. MelanieC has said that both her and her partner have discussed the issue- such discussions are the basis of healthy relationships the world over.

Unless you think she should go on 'nagging' (to use your term) her partner. Hardly the stuff of a healthy relationship.

And no question about it, it IS a sign of disrespect to your partner if you baldly lie about something and then try to cover it up

The term nagging, was the term her partner used, re read the opening post and you will see this.

Re the question ,if she believes him, then a question like this would not create doubt, as there would be none! Just like if someone asked me do you think your partner would cheat, i would answer as there is no doubt in my mind they wouldnt. The question would not create any doubt where there is none already.

Couldnt agree more, lying is disrespectful (white lies not as much and if you say it does, then i take it you tell every kid santa doesnt exist!) and covering up the lie in my opinion is worse than the actual lie.

Barracudaincork

metrovelvet wrote: »

If you want people to be honest then they have to trust that you are not going to hurt them with the truth.

+ 1

MelanieC

unregistered wrote: »

And this is the reason that a lot of women question men if they think they're lying. It's not a control issue, it's the fact that some of the trust is gone which will compound over time and possibly result in the relationship ending. And who in their right mind would want to throw away a perfectly good relationship over what could be a silly misunderstanding?

Bottom line is that a little reassurance on both sides in a relationship goes a long way to keeping things balanced. If you've a valid reason to believe your genuine worries are being dimissed, it spells the end of the relationship unless the issues are addressed by both sides.

Glad to hear you sorted it out anyway, and what the hell are you doing going out with a guy who supports Notts Forest? : P

Unregistered, you are exactly on my wavelength! Maybe I should just hand this over to you, you seem to be wording it much better than me too!! I'm just trying to make the point that honesty and trust are the most important things in a relationship, which I would have presumed is a fairly
accurate and widely-held belief and yet I get called "mammyish" ??? I seriously don't get that. But it's not going to change my view. I could never have a relationship without these things, that's why I got so upset.

Metrovelevet, I don't even know where your weird hostility is coming from.....seems to me you have serious issues with your mother. Fair enough, that's your business but no need to take them out on me just coz I confronted my OH for doing something wrong. :rolleyes:

Barracuda, you make me laugh! We have talked the issue out and he admitted he shouldn't have lied, it was a silly thing he did on the spur of the moment simply because it seemed like the easiest thing to do at the time. We've discussed it at length, he understands why I was so hurt by it, he has apologised , I have accepted, he has assured me he will never do anything like that again and I believe him. And we have moved on. To be fair, it wasn't something super-serious like cheating or anything (I could never move on from that) so isn't this what you do when you love someone and you face little problems and hiccups in your relationship?? You talk them out, resolve them and then move on. Holding onto bitterness or resentment surely wouldn't be good for anyone.

And I have absolutley no doubt in my mind that if I said I didn't believe him and was holding onto this, you'd be the very one saying "See? Told you you nag him. The poor boy has admitted his wrong-doing and apologised for it and yet you are still going on at him!" :D:D:D
Seems I can't win with you! Are you just trying to stir??! :rolleyes:

Barracudaincork

MelanieC wrote: »

Barracuda, you make me laugh! We have talked the issue out and he admitted he shouldn't have lied, it was a silly thing he did on the spur of the moment simply because it seemed like the easiest thing to do at the time. We've discussed it at length, he understands why I was so hurt by it, he has apologised , I have accepted, he has assured me he will never do anything like that again and I believe him. And we have moved on. To be fair, it wasn't something super-serious like cheating or anything (I could never move on from that) so isn't this what you do when you love someone and you face little problems and hiccups in your relationship?? You talk them out, resolve them and then move on. Holding onto bitterness or resentment surely wouldn't be good for anyone.

And I have absolutley no doubt in my mind that if I said I didn't believe him and was holding onto this, you'd be the very one saying "See? Told you you nag him. The poor boy has admitted his wrong-doing and apologised for it and yet you are still going on at him!" :D:D:D
Seems I can't win with you! Are you just trying to stir??! :rolleyes:

Thanks, its nice to hear you laughed, everyone needs that in there life!:)

Your next few lines answered my question, which was how did you know he wasnt lying this time, good to know you trust him etc etc I agree holding on to bitterness is not good etc hopefully this incident will never be brought up again.................by either of you!

Your right talking about it is exactly what you should do, well done to the two of you there!!!

You see i was believing everything you say and then you ruin all my faith in you by saying "And I have absolutley no doubt in my mind that if I said I didn't believe him and was holding onto this, you'd be the very one saying "See? Told you you nag him etc" You judge someone you dont know far to much, you look silly here saying this tbh, you have no idea what i would say.

Also you dont have to win with me, for starters there is no competition and im a stranger so what do you care what i think?

If i wanted to stir, there could of been plenty more i could of said, but alas that is not in my personality. I asked, so you could clarify and you did and i praised the fact that you guys did and you got your guarantee that this wont happen again. Remember loads of people turn to boards for advice and you describing why you now beleive your OH may help someone realise they should believe theirs, a bonus surely?

metrovelvet

I dont have weird hostility but you go on and on about honesty and trust and disrespect when people lie everyday of the week. Do you wear lipstick? Do you colour your hair? Do you withhold information?

Trust is not just about believing what someone says, its also about feeling safe enough to be yourself with someone and not cover up. You come across as judgmental and critical and not someone that people could feel they could let their guard down around.

I'm glad you managed to have a discussion with your OH. How long is he grounded for?

MelanieC

metrovelvet wrote: »

I dont have weird hostility but you go on and on about honesty and trust and disrespect when people lie everyday of the week. Do you wear lipstick? Do you colour your hair? Do you withhold information?

Trust is not just about believing what someone says, its also about feeling safe enough to be yourself with someone and not cover up. You come across as judgmental and critical and not someone that people could feel they could let their guard down around.

I'm glad you managed to have a discussion with your OH. How long is he grounded for?

No I don't wear lipstick.

Yes my hair is coloured and it is obvious to anyone who looks at it that it is. Also if someone were to ask I would tell them that it is.

No I don't think I do knowingly withold information. Why would I?

I refuse to make any apologies to you or anyone else for being an honest person. I regard it as a positive.

I feel safe enough to be myself with everyone I surround myself with and vice-versa.
I am neither judgmental nor critical, merely honest and considerate of my family and friends and expect the same back.
My family and friends know that they can fully let their guard down around me and I them. Believe me, I seem to be confidante of choice and have given lots of impartial advice and support and heard many secrets (all of which I have naturally kept and will do to my grave, like I said I value trust and honesty and I guess that's why people feel they can rely on my help and confidentiality.)

Seeing as you're telling me how I come across, you come across as someone who has been very badly hurt in the past (probably by the mother figure) and as a preventative measure has decided to distrust anyone who seems "too good to be true" (ie; someone who is honest and respectful and considerate and doesn't treat people badly but equally won't be treated badly) and to attack them with sarcasm and ridicule so as to avoid feeling, in your opinion, vulnerable. I understand. But it is bullying.

As for the final remark, do you even listen to yourself? You say I seem judgmental and then make a comment like that to me?? What's that then, if not judgmental? (Not to mention hurtful and insulting.)

Same goes for Barracuda, you accuse me of judging someone I don't even know by saying are you just trying to wind me up. Fair enough but then you thank Metrovelvet for blatantly judging me and deliberately being nasty to try and make me feel bad?

Well I don't. Because I have never made a personal attack on these boards and I would never say something sneery or nasty to someone I don't know, just for a cheap laugh. So it seems to me that everything you accuse me of, you are the ones guilty.

I hold my head high.

Barracudaincork

MelanieC wrote: »

Same goes for Barracuda, you accuse me of judging someone I don't even know by saying are you just trying to wind me up. Fair enough but then you thank Metrovelvet for blatantly judging me and deliberately being nasty to try and make me feel bad?

Well I don't. Because I have never made a personal attack on these boards and I would never say something sneery or nasty to someone I don't know, just for a cheap laugh. So it seems to me that everything you accuse me of, you are the ones guilty.

I hold my head high.

Ok so if you dont feel bad, why post saying you dont?

So I dont upset or offend you anymore I remove the thanks for you if you like, just say the word and it will magically disappear.............

MelanieC

I'm making the point that you are apparently oblivious to the fact that you are doing to me what you accuse me of doing,re being judgemental etc!

I mean,just reread that last post - condescending, wouldn't you say? Coz you would if I (or someone else presumably) posted it. Seems like a case of the pot calling the kettle black in both your and metrovelvet's case.

Barracudaincork

MelanieC wrote: »

I'm making the point that you are apparently oblivious to the fact that you are doing to me what you accuse me of doing,re being judgemental etc!

I mean,just reread that last post - condescending, wouldn't you say? Coz you would if I (or someone else presumably) posted it. Seems like a case of the pot calling the kettle black in both your and metrovelvet's case.

Fair enough the last line wasnt nice, but the rest i dont think is condescending at all, he does say you "come accross" as judgemental, which IMO is different to saying you "are", which is what you have siad about me, but you know what, i dont care, i know who i am and i dont let opinions of strangers effect me, maybe that is over confident, maybe i have a lot to be confident about, who knows, but to answer your question aside from his last sentence, no i dont think its condescending. My offer to remove the thanks still stands, just so you know I mean what i say!

MelanieC

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Fair enough the last line wasnt nice, but the rest i dont think is condescending at all, he does say you "come accross" as judgemental, which IMO is different to saying you "are", which is what you have siad about me, but you know what, i dont care, i know who i am and i dont let opinions of strangers effect me, maybe that is over confident, maybe i have a lot to be confident about, who knows, but to answer your question aside from his last sentence, no i dont think its condescending. My offer to remove the thanks still stands, just so you know I mean what i say!

Actually in a previous post he did say that I "am" as opposed to "come across" - see post "Jesus Christ, you are more mammyish than my own mammy" which I let go coz I think that has more to do with Metrovelvets issues with his mother than anything else.

I know who I am too and I know I am not nagging or controlling or judgmental or any of the things I have been called by strangers.

I'm done here now. Thanks.

Barracudaincork

MelanieC wrote: »

Actually in a previous post he did say that I "am" as opposed to "come across" - see post "Jesus Christ, you are more mammyish than my own mammy" which I let go coz I think that has more to do with Metrovelvets issues with his mother than anything else.

I know who I am too and I know I am not nagging or controlling or judgmental or any of the things I have been called by strangers.

I'm done here now. Thanks.

Did i thank that post too? No, so you cant then tar me with the same brush and dare i say it be judgemental!

Pleased to hear you are done and hopefully you feel a lot better now as a result, you are welcome.