When to ask him to come off the site???

LegacyUser

So I met a guy on a dating website over 6 months ago now. We're both in our 30's, and were both sick of the single scene etc.
It was pretty casual to start between us. We were both dating other people from the site - well, I say 'dating' - I met 2 men for coffee around the time I met my current BF. Not sure how many he met.
So things have gotten serious with us lately. We've had 'the talk', agreed things are going really well, and that we want to be in a relationship with each other.
And this is where my problem starts. He's still on the dating website. I've checked again this morning and he was online yesterday. We talked about this about 6wks ago - not in an argument or anything, and he said he just checks every now and then to see who's online. I know he's not physically seeing other women now - but I'm guessing he's 'chatting' to them, or msn them.
So the question is, how do I let him know that I know he's still online? I've told him before that my friend is on the same site and used to see him - she lets me use her details to log-on which is how I've been able to see him on it. I deleted my profile ages ago.
So do I tell him I want him off the site? Do I gently approach the issue? Am I an idiot???? Is he taking me for a ride and keeping his options open even though he said he wants us to be be together etc?? I think my approach to this is the key - if I attack, he'll do the 'so why were you checking up on me', or 'you must still be on the site too, if you saw me there'...anyone had a similar situation???

LegacyUser

Hi Op. I tried internet dating for a while but it really messed with my head. I had a few dates with a few different men, and all of them were back on the site the next day or whatever, which led me to believe they weren't at all interested in me.
I dont know what you should say to your bf. But I'd say after 6mths, its not really relevant that you met on a site. I still chat to some people on the site I registered with, but Im not in a relationship and I think if I was, I wouldn't immediately come off the site.
Perhaps bring up the subject in conversation and ask if he's still on the site? If he lies, you'll know you may have something to worry about....

Nevyn

People often end up making friends on such sites and use them to keep in touch with people, talk to him about why he is using the site.

LegacyUser

OP here.
While I agree that people often make friends on these sites - surely at this point, if he had 'friends' he would have swapped email addresses and be mailing them? And of course, these 'friends' are women!!
I suppose I will ask him - and in our last conversation, he said when he's bored he often has a nosey to see who's still online....
But if we are now being 'serious' about each other, I'm uncomfortable with that if I'm honest.

FlashGordon1969

Im happily married but had some previous exp of these sites. I would leave it for the moment. The moment being another month. I would go on the site using your old details in a month. If he is still using it in a month then I would question him. Most relationships end quite soon and he is probably hedging his bets. Dont log on using your friends details-its sneaky.

Say nothing for a month-then before looking on the site ask him if he still uses it. Then try the site using your old deatails if possible. Remember he can always use another site so the fact he is on the same site is not so bad.

LegacyUser

'Dont log on using my friends names - its sneaky'

But isn't it sneakier that he's still on it???

See that's my point exactly - he's the one still hedging his bets, but I'm the one being sneaky???

LegacyUser

Hey Op

I see exactly where you are coming from here if you are in a relationship with the guy.

I posted something here yesterday as i was on a date the weekend with someone from the net... Its seriously frustrating!!
This was only one bloody date and i felt paranoid the next day that i hadnt heard from him yet he was back online chatting away..

I say if you really want this guy that you have that "chat" otherwise your just biding time feeling uncomfortable with the situation and what good is it doing you??

Unregistered wrote: »

So I met a guy on a dating website over 6 months ago now. We're both in our 30's, and were both sick of the single scene etc.
It was pretty casual to start between us. We were both dating other people from the site - well, I say 'dating' - I met 2 men for coffee around the time I met my current BF. Not sure how many he met.
So things have gotten serious with us lately. We've had 'the talk', agreed things are going really well, and that we want to be in a relationship with each other.
And this is where my problem starts. He's still on the dating website. I've checked again this morning and he was online yesterday. We talked about this about 6wks ago - not in an argument or anything, and he said he just checks every now and then to see who's online. I know he's not physically seeing other women now - but I'm guessing he's 'chatting' to them, or msn them.
So the question is, how do I let him know that I know he's still online? I've told him before that my friend is on the same site and used to see him - she lets me use her details to log-on which is how I've been able to see him on it. I deleted my profile ages ago.
So do I tell him I want him off the site? Do I gently approach the issue? Am I an idiot???? Is he taking me for a ride and keeping his options open even though he said he wants us to be be together etc?? I think my approach to this is the key - if I attack, he'll do the 'so why were you checking up on me', or 'you must still be on the site too, if you saw me there'...anyone had a similar situation???

miec

Hi Op

If I were in your position I would be honest and say that you have noticed he is still using the website and tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable. Now it could be as others have suggested that he is staying in touch with friends, the dating site could have an online forum and he visits that or he has received messages and is curious to read them or he could be keeping his options open. The thing is you feel uncomfortable with him still being on the site. You don't need to explain how you saw him on the site, just say it, if he says you have been sneaky, don't get drawn into that, repeat that you feel uncomfortable and see what happens. It doesn't really matter what we all say here, it comes down to what you can feel comfortable with and that is what matters.

G-Money

He could be just using it to keep in contact with other people, purely in a platonical sense. One thing that did surprise me a little though about your post was that you said you met just over 6 months ago but you two are only now agreeing to be in a relationship? I'm no expert but I thought people agreed to that a lot sooner than 6 months? I know if I was mad into a girl, the last thing I'd want to do is to casually see her and have to wait 6 months before we officially became a couple. But then I'm not good at the whole being comfortable with someone I like potentially seeing other people thing.

I'll be honest myself. I was recently seeing a girl I met off the net. At the time, I was on two dating sites - the one I met her from, and another one. On the other one, a few girls emailed me and I went online and read the mails that they sent me. However I didn't actually reply to the girls. I'd been briefly in contact with them before I met this girl, but once I'd went out with her once or twice, I felt like I'd be cheating or something if I started chatting to other girls. It was probably a bit silly to think that as me and her had never had a chat and agreed to become bf and gf. But I suppose I felt like I shouldn't really be chasing after other girls when we'd went out and kissed and had agreed to meet up again etc.

Anyway he could possibly just be reading the emails he got from them. For all you know he could be replying to the girls and saying "Sorry, I'm off the market"

I know myself, I can be a bit paranoid. I remember a few years ago agreeing to sort of meet a girl and for some reason, I decided not to contact other girls until I met her. I then felt like a complete idiot when she started telling me about other dates she was going out on. She didn't do anything wrong, she was single and hadn't even met me. But I felt like an idiot sort of putting all my eggs in one basket and putting things on hold, when she wasn't doing the same. That's one thing I've a bit of an aversion to. So now, even if I've arranged a date with a girl, I'll sort of make sure I contact others as to be blunt, for all I know they could be out with several different guys per week so I feel I should keep my options open too.

Sure have a chat with him and see how it goes. I wouldn't be confrontational about it and try not to come across like you've been spying on him or checking up on him. It doesn't sound like a big problem to be honest, but it does no harm to nip it in the bud now.

Good luck.

FlashGordon1969

Unregistered wrote: »

'Dont log on using my friends names - its sneaky'

But isn't it sneakier that he's still on it???

See that's my point exactly - he's the one still hedging his bets, but I'm the one being sneaky???

He is being sneaky no doubt but you should just sign in using your own name . If you tell him you were using somebody else's name it will come across as sneaky. He did tell you he signs in from time to time -that was not full truth. If you sign in using your own name then its all above board. Anyway-as advised leave it awhile . If he sees you on site-he might bring issue up and that way you are in a stronger position. Wont sound as needy that way. You are more honest than him but relationships in early months are precarious things.

Miss Fluff

Agreed, sign in as yourself so he can see that you can see he is online rather than being underhand about it.

Why did it take six months to make things official?

CDfm

If you are in a relationship now the site has outlived its use IMHO. The same for him. End of and it shopuld be a non issue.

LegacyUser

i met a guy from the net recently and it started great - i stopped using the site as i dont like flirting and emailing other guys if im meeting another guy - even though it wasnt official. However, i saw that the guy i was meeting would be on the dating site every single day. Bit sneeky of me but id send a text and not hear back and id think - hey he must be busy or whatever. then id go on the net and there he would be on the dating site!!! He told me he was replying to girls emails but every day - first thing in the morning and last thing at night!! Yeah im not that dumb. Ive decided against using dating sites in the future - good old fashioned pubs/clubs are the way to go If your not happy with this guy on the sites then say it or it will keep building up..... And if he doesnt stop then you know that your're not enough for him on your own and its time to find a new guy. Good Luck

LighterGuy

Op,
that is worrying.

You know him six months and now you are entering a relationship. If you just met him obviously thats a different story or only know him a short time. it would be seen as "too soon to ask". 6 months however is a long time. It was long enough for him to know he wants to enter into a relationship with you.

All this "i have friends on there" is BS. You bet everyone he talks to is all female. I believe in a relationship you dont do anything to make your partner uncomfortable. If they do its a sign get the hell out of there.

Lets look at the two possibilites here. One, he is just actually looking at the forums or what not (for "friends" is bs. they'd have his number or email/msn if he was indeed a friendship) Even with this he should probably stop using it for your sake. IT IS A DATING SITE. He met you through it after all.

Or 2,
he is still playing the field. he is still on aforementioned dating site. Either way it is something he shouldnt do. I've talked to women before on a dating site and even tho some of them say "in relationship" - they say "oh i put that up there to stop a**holes mailing me" then you'd find out they are dating someone for a lenthy period of time.

As said above you could say it makes you uncomfortable. Or tell him you stopped using it because you are in a relationship and dont want to make him uncomfortable / no point since in a relationship.
Judge his reaction. Both verbal and action afterwards. If he still uses it its a sign he is up to no good or just doesnt care about how you feel.

This is one of those things that will raise alarm bells. as it has, you are making a thread on boards.ie So now its time to see where he stands. best advice is test his intentions.

LegacyUser

So a few of you have asked why its 6 months and only getting serious now.

As I said, it was very casual at the start. We met 6 months ago, but haven't actually been in touch for 6 months so apologies if thats how it sounded. We met about twice a month at the start - like I said, we were both meeting others off the site, but kept in touch. We've only really been seeing each other regurly since before xmas so the reality is, we've really been dating for about 2 mths, but i met him 6 months ago.

I don't think I can leave this for a month as one poster said. We've already had the convversation where he knows I know he's on the site. And yet he's still on it.
Ill mention it again this weekend and see his reaction. And I cant sign in again as myself as like I said, I deleted my profile ages ago and cant ressurect it again.
And I really dont want to get into playing games here. Like hoping he sees me on the site and mentions it is a bit foolish at our age I think.

I dont think you can make someone like/respect you, even if they use say they want to be in a relationship with you. I think this guy either respects me enough to come off the site, or he doesn't. So I'll say it to him this weekend and see what happens.

FlashGordon1969

Unregistered wrote: »

So a few of you have asked why its 6 months and only getting serious now.

As I said, it was very casual at the start. We met 6 months ago, but haven't actually been in touch for 6 months so apologies if thats how it sounded. We met about twice a month at the start - like I said, we were both meeting others off the site, but kept in touch. We've only really been seeing each other regurly since before xmas so the reality is, we've really been dating for about 2 mths, but i met him 6 months ago.

I don't think I can leave this for a month as one poster said. We've already had the convversation where he knows I know he's on the site. And yet he's still on it.
Ill mention it again this weekend and see his reaction. And I cant sign in again as myself as like I said, I deleted my profile ages ago and cant ressurect it again.
And I really dont want to get into playing games here. Like hoping he sees me on the site and mentions it is a bit foolish at our age I think.

I dont think you can make someone like/respect you, even if they use say they want to be in a relationship with you. I think this guy either respects me enough to come off the site, or he doesn't. So I'll say it to him this weekend and see what happens.

You are probably right. Having read through other posters opinions and knowing the male mind-he is hedging his bets. Why, I cant say. There must be a physical attraction between you. Some guys are just sluts sad to say. Have the conversation-you can dress it up a bit by saying your friend noticed him on it a few times. If you have been physically intimate then I would definitely call him on this issue. You sound like a decent person and dating is tough and you must kiss a lot of frogs before you meet a prince! Cheesy yes I am!

Could you let us all know how it goes?

LegacyUser

I sure will and thanks.
Yes, we have been physically intimate at this stage and I think that's why it's such an issue for me. Sex meaning a bit more to men than it does to women an all that (emotionally I mean!). We met up last night but I didn't mention it yet...but lo and behold, there he is online again this morning...practically declared his undying love for me yesterday. Men! I'll never figure ye out!!!!

FlashGordon1969

The Only thing I can say in his defence(An annoying habit I have-defending those who prob dont deserve it!) is that meeting people on those sites is so easy and perhaps he is a bit addicted to how easy it is to meet people. Men dont mature until 30 plus-sometimes we must be talked to like children. Park your own ego and try that approach.

LighterGuy

Op i think this is becoming a problem now.
I think he is using it to fish.
My advice is if someone *cough cough* were to create a, dare i say, false profile and test his intentions... one would get the answer. if you get me

CDfm

I dont think you can be in the market and be commited to a relationship.

It would be like applying for a promotion in your job but at the same time applying for other jobs but letting everyone know thats what you are doing.

Staying on a dating site for its social side wears a bit thin as it sounds like I am waiting for someone better to come along but for now "you'll do".

I dont agree with Flash that men are like children but I agree with the sentiment that you should be straight up with him. If using the dating site is a dealbreaker for you as in you cant commit because of it say it.

Thats just me BTW and I am a guy.

LighterGuy

I once met a girl from a social networking site ... tagged.
I was going out with her for 6 months. I found out she was talking to other guys and giving her number out to them. While with me.

Before I found out. I questioned her (in a respectful way) why everytime she logged in there was always new friends, all being male? seeing as how she said she used it to keep in contact with her friends she actually knows and didnt talk with guys after her. Then, as i say i found out what was going on. Stupid of me to believe ones lies. Always read the action. I know thats a social network site and not a dating site. But its the same thing. People use a site for its purposes.

On a side note I think any social networking site that where you add people you dont know is practally a dating site.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I sure will and thanks.
Yes, we have been physically intimate at this stage and I think that's why it's such an issue for me. Sex meaning a bit more to men than it does to women an all that (emotionally I mean!). We met up last night but I didn't mention it yet...but lo and behold, there he is online again this morning...practically declared his undying love for me yesterday. Men! I'll never figure ye out!!!!

I think it's bad enough you had to ask him in the first place. He's not stupid, although he could be one of these types who's hoping his fictional stupidity will let him away with murder (feigned surprise, I didn't realise etc etc)
Either call him on it or tell him it's finished. Or don't even bother telling him. He hasn't shown the basic morals to treat you with a modicum of respect.

LegacyUser

Well the site he's on - the one we met on - is a dating site, pure and simple.

CDFM - thanks for your thoughts - I was genuinely hoping for mens perspective on this situation, so I do appreciate them (you being a mere man an all that!).

I think there is a slight addiction with him here anyhow - he's currently out of work and I know from experience, that there are ALOT of out of work men on dating sites at the moment.

I had thought of getting 'someone' to create a false profile but I'm almost afraid that he might reply - or he might guess it's me having now made an issue of it...oh I dunno, my single life was much easier than this!!

shellyboo

Just ask him OP. If he really likes you, he'll stop. It's really no big deal though, it's just a website.

LegacyUser

OP here.

I was on the site too. And honestly, it DOES become very addictive. You begin to believe that the people you're 'chatting' to actually care about you or that you actually know them. Every so often, you have to pull your reins in and remind yourself that it's not the real world in cyberspace.

I know that he's not meeting any women he may be in touch with. That bit I'm sure of.

I guess it's the age old question of 'Is texting or mailing another woman/man cheating???'.

It's still the early stages of this relationship - neither of us have really set our boundaries about what is or isn't acceptable. But this isn't acceptable to me, so I'll be letting him know at the weekend.

whatsamsn

'Is texting or mailing another woman/man cheating???'

If its friendship its not. When its flirting it is.
Look at the intention. People who say "there is nothing wrong with flirting while your with someone" is either A, a tease or B, someone that is trying to condone their behaviour. Because they have intentions.

I am a guy. If i am with someone and i'm texting a girl and i'm flirting with her you damn well would be right I am "testing the waters". And if its just "harmless flirting" that people say it is - what if that person makes a move because of my behavior? - I was flirting with them. So what does that make me? a tease?

Simple fact op my money is on that your partner is mailing other women on the site. Look at the logic of it. He logs in most days (every day?) to check his mail (Or even to send new ones)

I say create a fake profile and test him. yes, that could be seen as too much. But whats the downside to it? ... you test him and if he gives out his number or says he is single. Dump him. If he says "sorry i am with someone" your trust in him will go up. there is nothing wrong with testing someone when their actions suggest otherwise. If a person tests there partner without any cause - then yes its cause they are insecure and wrong. But not when their partners actions suggest otherwise.

if you do decide this action I fear he says "oh i am sorry i am with someone but we can still chat and be friends" - this is a grey area. its 50/50. It can either mean friendship is the only thing he wants, or its one of those "keep them in the sidelines incase" - ive seen it happen before. What starts off "as only friends now" leads to a phone number, leads to phone calls, then coffee then you get the idea.

shellyboo

whatsamsn wrote: »

I say create a fake profile and test him. yes, that could be seen as too much. But whats the downside to it? ... you test him and if he gives out his number or says he is single. Dump him. If he says "sorry i am with someone" your trust in him will go up. there is nothing wrong with testing someone when their actions suggest otherwise. If a person tests there partner without any cause - then yes its cause they are insecure and wrong. But not when their partners actions suggest otherwise.

if you do decide this action I fear he says "oh i am sorry i am with someone but we can still chat and be friends" - this is a grey area. its 50/50. It can either mean friendship is the only thing he wants, or its one of those "keep them in the sidelines incase" - ive seen it happen before. What starts off "as only friends now" leads to a phone number, leads to phone calls, then coffee then you get the idea.

OR... she could just ask him not to go on the site anymore.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

CDFM - thanks for your thoughts

You are welcome -its how I would feel if it were me.

I think there is a slight addiction with him here anyhow - he's currently out of work and I know from experience, that there are ALOT of out of work men on dating sites at the moment.

Boredom - send him to tLL:rolleyes:

I had thought of getting 'someone' to create a false profile but I'm almost afraid that he might reply - or he might guess it's me having now made an issue of it...oh I dunno, my single life was much easier than this!!

dont bother with the false profile. its a bit stalkerish and you should be able to trust your own instincts without doing that,

LegacyUser

The same thing happened to me. Met a guy on a dating site and started seeing each other. Got very upset when I realised he was still on the site occasionally every ten days or so, so I just bit the bullet and asked him was he still on it and was he looking for other girls. He said he wasnt and he offered to quit the site which he did. I think the frequency of ur bfs visits should be something to watch for. After the relationship conversation you guys had, he should not be looking for other women. And if he has friends on there, he can talk to them outside the site. Or preferably not as the case may be!
As for the sneakiness part, I say do what you have to do to protect yourself,as he is being sneaky in a potentially more destructive way.
Either way you need to stop torturing yourself and talk to him. If he blankly refuses to leave the site for you he is probably not ready for the relationship.

LegacyUser

Well I brought the subject up tonight when we were out, and you can guess why im online at this unearthly hour!"
He point blank refused to come off the site. Said he had made some great friends on there and loved to check in with them every now and then. Tried to convince me I was mental for imagining he was 'keeping his options open'. So thats the end of that!
I finished it with him - ive gotten a few texts from him already tonight saying he cant understand what my problem is and that I must be very insecure(yeah coz im supposed to accept that hes in contact with other women via email or text, and tells me he wants to be in a relationship with me...that makes ME insecure????)
I know this is his issue, not mine...I'll move on from him and find someone who respects me more...in a while....

CDfm

Hey OP sorry it didnt work out.

Thank the guy and agree with him that you may be insecure but just say going out with someone who is active on a dating site is not for you.

Then leave it alone.

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

Well I brought the subject up tonight when we were out, and you can guess why im online at this unearthly hour!"
He point blank refused to come off the site. Said he had made some great friends on there and loved to check in with them every now and then. Tried to convince me I was mental for imagining he was 'keeping his options open'. So thats the end of that!
I finished it with him - ive gotten a few texts from him already tonight saying he cant understand what my problem is and that I must be very insecure(yeah coz im supposed to accept that hes in contact with other women via email or text, and tells me he wants to be in a relationship with me...that makes ME insecure????)
I know this is his issue, not mine...I'll move on from him and find someone who respects me more...in a while....

Sorry to hear that OP.

As for him saying your insecure, he could of said it as being on the site is all innocent and for the life of himself he cant think why you would mind, as it is so innocent in his eyes, hence saying your insecure. He is not looking at it from your point of view. Im telling you this so that you dont think that he doesnt want you, he could of very well meant what he said. But as you said its not for you, so its his loss!

LegacyUser

Thanks
When you both say 'tell him it's not for you' - would it be for anyone?

Honestly, is there some internet dating etiquette that Im unaware of somewhere? It's like I asked earlier, is texting/mailing other women while you are in a relationship, cheating??

I doubt there are many women who would accept that...but then maybe there are.

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks
When you both say 'tell him it's not for you' - would it be for anyone?

Honestly, is there some internet dating etiquette that Im unaware of somewhere? It's like I asked earlier, is texting/mailing other women while you are in a relationship, cheating??

I doubt there are many women who would accept that...but then maybe there are.

It depends on what is being said on these website and texts, if its stuff they would say in person to someone with you sitting there, then there is nothing wrong, if someone is saying stuff on the net, in text or in person that they wouldnt say with you there, then there is an issue, and not really an issue with how that message is being communicated but what is being said.

So there is no definative answer to is texting etc cheating or would anyone be ok with someone talking on the net with a member of the opposite sex. It all depends on what is being said.

LegacyUser

Like I said, I WAS that woman who would receive texts from men I'd 'met' (not in person) on the site. I would only have kept in touch with them because there was a possiblity of a date - I never met them before, so the contact was kept up purely in case we ever decided to meet. They weren't my friends. Why else would you keep in contact with men/women you'd met on a dating site????? Am I missing something?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

ive gotten a few texts from him already tonight saying he cant understand what my problem is and that I must be very insecure

He's some piece of work. Talk about throwing his own insecurities back at you!

I think you always know the measure of a person by the way they respond to a break up. He didn't respond at all well. So if anything, you know you made the right decision which is the thought you should try to hold onto to get you through the post break up days.

Take care

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

Like I said, I WAS that woman who would receive texts from men I'd 'met' (not in person) on the site. I would only have kept in touch with them because there was a possiblity of a date - I never met them before, so the contact was kept up purely in case we ever decided to meet. They weren't my friends. Why else would you keep in contact with men/women you'd met on a dating site????? Am I missing something?

Ok so you are assuming that the type of flirty etc texts you had sent when you were on the site are being sent by your fella, fair enough I can see why you would think he is doing what you would do, however, that doesnt mean he is, doesnt mean its not either though!

I guess based then on what you said, he was just stringing you along and he was keeping other women on standby, thats sh*tty if thats the case and im sorry you had to deal with it OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks....

You live and learn I guess. Thanks for advice here - it helped. I've noticed there are a huge amount of 'problems' about internet dating/texting/mailing/FB on PI today..and indeed lately. God be with the days you could meet someone in a nightclub eh??? This age of technology has a lot to answer for!!!!!!!

I think you did the right thing as your not comfortable with what he was doing...i think its disrespectful rather that cheating if someone stays on a dating site when they are in a relationship...and if he doesn't understand why you are bothered about it well that kinda says he doesn't have a lot of insight about relationships and has no empathy with your feelings

I know a man who moved in with his girlfriend and is still on a dating site ....she is aware of this but doesn't want to deal with it :eek ...

finally i meet my partner on a dating site so it dose work as a way of meeting someone...don't give up on internet dating

iv noticed a tendency in people to blame internet dating when they have a bad experience..instead of realising that its not the internets fault that the person they meet turned out to be a nutter

CDfm

If its not for you -its not for you OP.

Agree with him on the insecurity and wish him well just say its not for you.

There are plenty of nice people out there and try checking out some of the boards beers.

LegacyUser

I completely agree that it's not the fact that I met him via the internet that is an issue here.

I just think that its too easy to 'chat' to women/men when you've been on a dating site. It's harder to give a possible relationship the chance to develop when you are in contact with other men/women when you meet.

I immediately came off the site when I knew things were getting serious for us - that was for my own 'head' though, because I doubt I could or would want to, invest my time or energy into developing a realtionship with someone when i was in touch with other men. But hey, that's just me and what do I know!

whatsamsn

Op,
You did the right thing breaking it off with him. Just dont come back to him if he rings you etc. His behavior reaks that he is playing the field. As proved right by him not wanting to go off the site.

Live and learn I guess. I am a firm believer of looking at peoples actions. Everyone on this board knew what he was up to. Even you did. So I say just go out and meet someone new

You did everything right in this situation.

LegacyUser

Thank you very much!

The lesson I've learned from this - because I believe there's a lesson to be learned in everything, good or bad - is TRUST YOUR GUT!!!

Might shed a tear over a glass of wine tonight...but only the one!

newmember2

Check this out.

whatsamsn

You are right op always trust your gut
Something I am realising myself now. Try to hone the skills too. I believe a person can listen to their gut on most things... even small things and be proved correct.

Never give people the benefit of the doubt when your gut is telling you something. Even giving people the benefit of the doubt in general is a bad idea. Always read the action.


As MariaAlice said in the thread. I would agree its more so people than the internet. However, I still think you cant beat meeting people in your day to day life. When meeting people off the internet you run the risk of people with bad traits more so than in the real world. What I mean is people with baggage, people who would probably date you because they mightnt have "anything better going", serial daters (biggest problem with the internet) ... Yes you can still come across people with those traits in day to day life. But I think meeting people off the net you increase the chance of the above.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Just an update.
He has had a change of heart. Said he'll come off the site. Apologised. Didn't realise it was bothering me THAT much.

What to do...what to do....

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here.

Just an update.
He has had a change of heart. Said he'll come off the site. Apologised. Didn't realise it was bothering me THAT much.

What to do...what to do....

For me its a case of just to late buddy, plus he said all those things about you (insecure etc) and i wouldnt be ar$ed with that cr*p. But that is an unemotional viewpoint. He could of learnt from his mistake and has really seen it from your POV and is genuine so what does your gut say?

LegacyUser

My gut says 'just to late buddy, plus he said all those things about me (insecure etc) and i wouldnt be ar$ed with that cr*p.'


Thats what my gut says...
Do you know, this has been a bit 'messy' from the start - saw a bit of him here and there, when it suited...always thought he was seeing other women at the start (though he denied it) and was adult enough to know we'd met on a dating site and that he wasn't going to put all his eggs in one basket the second we met, so I just went along with it.

But the truth is, it was messy. And then it got unmessy. And here we are again..more mess...

I'll follow my gut on this one I think....

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

My gut says 'just to late buddy, plus he said all those things about me (insecure etc) and i wouldnt be ar$ed with that cr*p.'


Thats what my gut says...
Do you know, this has been a bit 'messy' from the start - saw a bit of him here and there, when it suited...always thought he was seeing other women at the start (though he denied it) and was adult enough to know we'd met on a dating site and that he wasn't going to put all his eggs in one basket the second we met, so I just went along with it.

But the truth is, it was messy. And then it got unmessy. And here we are again..more mess...

I'll follow my gut on this one I think....

I think you're right. He sounds very high maintenance, and I doubt he's had a personality transplant in the last few days. No-one changes that quickly!

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

My gut says 'just to late buddy, plus he said all those things about me (insecure etc) and i wouldnt be ar$ed with that cr*p.'


Thats what my gut says...
Do you know, this has been a bit 'messy' from the start - saw a bit of him here and there, when it suited...always thought he was seeing other women at the start (though he denied it) and was adult enough to know we'd met on a dating site and that he wasn't going to put all his eggs in one basket the second we met, so I just went along with it.

But the truth is, it was messy. And then it got unmessy. And here we are again..more mess...

I'll follow my gut on this one I think....

Good idea!!!!

Also if for some reason you feel peeved off over this in the next few days, remind yourself that you have the strength, love and respect for yourself to not be messed around and feel empowered by that!!

LegacyUser

I must write that down...am prone to drunken texts I'm afraid!!!!!!!!!!

Must put those words in my phone..to remind myself...thanks again