10 year relationship, still no sex

LegacyUser

I'm just wondering if there is any advice or opinions I can get on the situation I find myself in. Apologies for the long post but this situation is ten years brewing.

I've been in a relationship for ten years and we have been married for the last three years. Before we were married there was no sex. It was not for a lack of trying on my part though. At first my wife was not comfortable with the idea so we waited. After a while (a long while) she began to loosen up but only slightly. She convinced me that if we were to get married things would be different.

We got engaged and she felt better about things. We did start to try and have sex but it never worked out. She always felt nervous, not relaxed, tense all feelings that are not going to make it easier to have sex. No matter how I tried to make her feel at ease it didn't help. Anyway we got married and nothing happened. Not on the wedding night not even the honeymoon. Three years on we still try but to no avail. There is always an excuse though. It is too sore or not relaxed etc...

Now I feel I have begun to change. Obviously I love her, why else would I have stayed for this long? But now I'm beginning to doubt even that. I used to think if we sorted out this problem we would be a perfectly happy couple and now I think it may be too late. I think I might be starting to resent her. I am feeling that she has made me miss out on what should be a special experience in live. Imagine, three years married and the two of us remain virigins.

I am about to turn 30 and I'm looking back on my twenties and look at what I have missed out on. I used to just feel frustrated but now I think that I don't feel anything anymore. It is causing so many arguments as she can feel that I am no longer affectionate. I don't even feel like trying to have sex, been disappointed and hurt too often. I want us to get counselling but she can't bring herself to talk about it.

Have I made a mistake in being so patient? I don't know what to do.

Kimia

Hi Op. You sound like a lovely patient man and fair play to you for being so supportive of your wife's fear of sex.

I think however that it's time to put yourself first. There needs to be a serious discussion on this where you air your feelings. Don't worry about how it will make your wife feel, at this stage and after you putting her first for so long, it's your turn to express how you feel.

Tell your wife what you wrote here. Make sure she knows how frustrated and unhappy this is making you feel. You deserve to have a fulfilled and happy relationship and it's not fair to expect you to shut down your physical and sexual side for the sake of someone else.

If she doesn't even consider counselling, I wouldn't blame you if you felt you had to have a trial separation for a while so that you can explore things on your own.

LegacyUser

Morning,

A friend opened up to me last year when she said she just cant relax and its causing problems with her partner, very same as yourself she said she could go forever without having sex.

She went for couselling and nothing changed, it wasnt that she never like her partner it was the fact she hated the thought of getting preg and having a baby so this year she is still with him and things look like a split.

You have to be fair to yourself and ask yourself what do you want out of life and healthy sex life with the woman you married or a sexless life!

People always think everyone around them is getting plenty but in realtity you are lucky to get it a few times a month as with the pressure of kids, jobs etc etc!

Good luck in whatever you choose.

shellyboo

Oh god OP, what an awful situation for you

Counselling is really the only light at the end of the tunnel - if nothing's changed in 10 years it's not going to magically fix itself overnight. Something needs to be done. If she's not willing to work on it and go to counselling, perhaps you could talk about opening up your relationship?

Might get lynched for this, but if she's 100% not interested in sex, the idea of you getting that (and only that) elsewhere may not be that abhorrent to her. You would work together to set out rules that she's comfortable with, etc.

But even then - is that what *you* want? I'd imagine you just want to have a 'normal' loving relationship with sex included. If that's the case and she refuses to work on the issue - I fear you might have to walk away.

ManOfMystery

OP,

You've got more patience than a lot of men do - some people would find it hard to go for a month without sex, never mind 10 years.

I agree with the posts above that after a decade of this, it really is time to put yourself first. Your wife has promised to try this and try that but never stuck to her word, and you've been MORE than patient.

Personally, I could not live in a sexless marriage. It's not just about the phsyical fun you have; a healthy sex life greatly aids intimacy and closeness between couples and by your own admission, you're starting to resent your wife over this.

Kicks

Hold my hands up to you for your patience - don't know a man who'd have done what you have for your wife.

So you would have been 20 (roundabout?) when you both got together? Is there any possibility that something happened to her before you met her? Possibly assaulted or abused sexually? It sounds like there is some serious underlying issue there that she has pushed deep into her head and doesn't want to confront it.

I do not mean to put ideas out there like that that could be a million miles off but this sounds like there's more going on than just taking a disliking to sex.

LegacyUser

What excatly do you mean with no sex? Is it "just" no penetration but oral and lots of petting or does she not even allowe you to touch her? If you wouldn't be allowed to do anything then wow, respect for sticking with her for that long. If she is up for everything "just" not the penetration part then, maybe it acctualy hurts her. I have been with my bf for 3 years now, and everytime we try penetration it just hurts so much that I don't want to try anymore. I know that has to change but maybe its the same with her?

seamus

GuestName wrote: »

Have I made a mistake in being so patient? I don't know what to do.

No, you haven't. You've done what you think is right and that's all any of us can do.

One thing you need to tell yourself though is that it's OK to consider your own needs, it's OK to think of yourself. I imagine in your situation it's very easy to tell yourself that you're being selfish and heartless to make a big deal out of wanting to have sex. Well you're not. You're a human being and sex is a vital part of any emotionally healthy relationship.

Now, some people can live without it. You have to decide whether you're that person - do you love her enough that if she *never* gets over this, you can live with it, or do you think that you'll grow to resent her and eventually cheat on her?

I think it's time for an ultimatum. Your relationship is going to collapse if this problem isn't sorted, and she needs to see that. You'll both end up just going through the motions - living without any affection or connection whatsoever.
You can't accept any more promises from her to get this sorted herself. You say she can't bring herself to talk about it - this indicates that she may have something in her past which she hasn't told you about. This would require her to get counselling on her own before you get counselling together, but she's not going to do that without some kind of push.
You need to be forceful - don't allow her to change the topic or fly off the handle. Insist that she sits down and talks about it and don't stand up again until you have a clear plan of what you're going to do about it.

Unfortunately if she digs her heels in and decides that she's not going to get help or otherwise closes the door on it, you'll probably have to call it a day.

There's only so much you can do to help people, but everyone has to accept help in order for it to work. If they don't accept your help, then you need to consider what's best for you.

Kimia

seamus wrote: »

No, you haven't. You've done what you think is right and that's all any of us can do.

One thing you need to tell yourself though is that it's OK to consider your own needs, it's OK to think of yourself. I imagine in your situation it's very easy to tell yourself that you're being selfish and heartless to make a big deal out of wanting to have sex. Well you're not. You're a human being and sex is a vital part of any emotionally healthy relationship.

This is excellent advice OP. Listen to it. You deserve more than this and to be honest i think it's really unfair of her to give out to you for not being affectionate when she won't even consider talking to you about the lack of sex in the relationship. It's very selfish.

ManOfMystery

OP,

Just another question, do either of you want children down the line? What are her thoughts on this and how is she going to tackle it?

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I'm going to be honest with you, I'm not trying to be harsh but I can't see any point in sugar coating it. Your wife sounds very very very selfish, I can understand that she may have issues, maybe she was abused or assaulted we don't know, but that fact that you are a virgin at 30, having gone out with her for 10 sexless years, well that's really really selfish. She should be putting you first, you've put her first for 10 years!!!! She may have issues but it's up to her to sort them out. Denying you a very very important part of marraige because she refuses to even try and address the problem and get help, well that's the most selfish thing I've ever heard.

You sound like a lovely man, you deserve to have your needs met to you know!!! My advice to you would be tell her that if this doesn't change, if she doesn't go and get this sorted then, that you are leaving her. I would also advice that you follow through on your threat if she doesn't start sorting this out NOW. If you stay in a marraige like this then I think you are going to end up hating her, to be honest with you I think I would too. You have missed out on a huge part of life, sex is amazing, especially when you're with someone you love, you don't deserve to have missed out on that.

Seriously OP, you need to put you foot down and sort this out, ten years is way way way way way too long for this to have gone on. She needs to give as much consideration to your needs as you've given hers. The very very very least she can do is make a doctors or councelling appointment and start trying to find out why she is this way, she owes you that much at the very least.

The very best of luck OP.

stackerman

ManOfMystery wrote: »

do either of you want children down the line?

Op, fair play to you for being so understanding to you wife, who you clearly love very much. To me the BIG question you need to ask yourself is the above. My reading of this is that the chances of things changing are v slim, Im sorry to say. For a start I cant imagine anyone living a sexless life like this, but if you ever want kids . . . . :eek:
I would love to think you could work things out, but after 10 years . . . well reading your post I think you actually know yourself, little is going to change.
I really do feel for you

LegacyUser

Thank you for the well reasoned responses.

guest20008 wrote: »

What excatly do you mean with no sex?

Well there is no penetration, tried but it has not happened and certainly no oral. I think the very thought of oral sex to her is unpleasant. I'd have no problem with it but I understand that some people would not like it. We don' t do all the much really but she will let me us my fingers on her.

ManOfMystery wrote: »

OP,
Just another question, do either of you want children down the line? What are her thoughts on this and how is she going to tackle it?

She wants children but not just yet. I told her before we married that I did not but that I was open to changing my mind. After all just because I couldn't see myself then as a father doesn't mean I'd be the same when I'm a bit older. I never ruled it out totally. But know it doesn't seem physically possible and it isn't worth thinking about till we sort the other issue out.

miec

Hi Op

Your resentment is justified for several reasons, you have tried to make her at her ease, you have suggested counselling, she has in effect trapped you into marriage without attempting to deal with why she cannot relax or have sex. You have been patient and you have chosen to remain sexless for ten years, do you choose to continue on like this?

LeahK

Hi OP,

I really feel for you and I think is very honorable what your doing,you obviously love her an awful lot.

I think getting to the root of the this problem could help you fix it - i.e why doesnt she want to have sex with you. I hate to say it but if it was my friend and they were in your situation,the first thing that would spring to mind would be "Is she gay?"
Its either that or some deep rooted intimacy issue.Is she willing to try and make it better or is it a wont talk about it zone?

stackerman

GuestName wrote: »

She wants children but not just yet

OP
Have you asked her how she is going to manage this when the time comes ? Im not trying to be funny, but if she is not going to see someone about this then the obvious ans would be 'grin and bear it'. Why because it would be something SHE wants, therefore it seems to me that your wants and needs are . . . . . . . . not important.
Sorry to be blunt,
Best of luck to you, however things turn out.

wasper

You have wasted 10 years of your virility with a woman that will never give in to you. The time has come to look for it somewhere else. And no I wouldn't consider it cheating. She probably will be relieved (pardon the pun) to see you go out of this sham of a marriage to have intimacy.
Just how long you are willing to go without sex before you say enough is enough.

LegacyUser

Hi Op. Its is very shocking to hear a story like this in this day and age. Anyway the bottom line is your marriage was never consumated, interesting to hear if its possible to get an anulment after 3 years of marriage? .. Maybe someone out there knows. It really sounds at this stage like you need to get out of this relationship, its not doing you any good and no one can say you haven't been patient, its astounding that a man can go that long without sex.

Anyway I hope everything works out for you.

Wagon

wasper wrote: »

You have wasted 10 years of your virility with a woman that will never give in to you. The time has come to look for it somewhere else. And no I wouldn't consider it cheating. She probably will be relieved (pardon the pun) to see you go out of this sham of a marriage to have intimacy.

I have to admit, i agree with you. It's cheating if he gets it somewhere else without leaving her first but i couldn't blame the poor chap. 10 years and no sex is criminal and probably the most depressing thing in the world.

Just how long you are willing to go without sex before you say enough is enough.

He should go now.

If she doens't want to go to councelling and try and sort it, that says it all. so yes, id say leave her and go and find someone who cared about you properly. Because her actions just mean that once she's happy, its all that matters.

G-Money

That sounds pretty rough dude. I know some people can get hung up on sex but you don't sound like you are demanding it 24 hours a day or anything like that. I have to say that 10 years is certainly a very long time to go without but it's probably a tad more common that you might think.

After I read all the replies the first thing that came to mind was "I wonder if the situation was reversed, would she have stood by you for 10 years?" I'll be blunt and say that I'm betting she wouldn't, not if some of the other similar threads I've read in RI are anything to go by.

I think you need to get this out in the open and tell her that it can't continue. I don't know much about legality of marriages and annulments etc as someone else mentioned. It may be a possibility but if she won't talk to a professional in a confidential environment about it, I can hardly see her admitting to a judge or someone in public that the marriage (or relationship even) was never consummated.

Really hope it works out for the best dude.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm going unregged for this as this is a sensitive subject and I don't want anyone who knows me IRL to figure out who I'm talking about.

I know someone who like you was in a completely celibate marriage due to his wife's refusal to have sex, though for him it lasted close to 30 years. Although in his situation he had no idea before their wedding as it wasn't hugely uncommon back then to wait 'til marriage to have sex and they married after a much shorter relationship than yours.

She completely refused to go to counseling. Obviously in the 70s/80s this was less of an option, but as time went on she just avoided the issue more and more. And year after year he just put up with it because he loved her. Eventually he hit a point where the lack of sex coupled with the realisation that due to her age children were no longer an option he had a complete mental breakdown. Even still she refused to go to counseling. Ultimately their marriage ended but it did a HUGE amount of damage to his whole life.

I don't mean to be hyperbolic here but if you keep denying yourself an important part of life for her you could end up with similar problems. I suggest that you do some research on specialist therapists first. Then you need to sit her down for a serious talk. Make it clear to her that you do love her but this issue is not only making you extremely unhappy but it will ultimately destroy your love for her. That you are starting to think your marriage may be too far gone to salvage, but that if she is really, really willing to face this you will try your best to help her through it and rebuild your relationship properly. Tell her you would like to get professional help and if she agrees you will be prepared and know about what therapies are available and can get the ball rolling immediately.

If she is not willing to seek help you need to make it clear that you really don't think the marriage will survive and make sure she understands you are serious. She may tell you, you are selfish, but you are not. You really, really are not, so stand your ground and don't feel guilty. All you are asking for is that you share something that is a necessary part of most marriages. If she can't share it with you then the fact sad fact is, you are not compatible as a couple.

You sound like a lovely person and you have put her first for a very long time, it's time that you take care of what you need now. If you don't you really will end up regretting it.

stackerman

guest12345 wrote: »

interesting to hear if its possible to get an anulment

Yes it is
If its not consumated then an anulment is possible, but it is a very long process. The church would make you jump through all sorts of hoops, but in this case I think you should give it serious consideration.

iguana

keving wrote: »

Yes it is
If its not consumated then an anulment is possible, but it is a very long process. The church would make you jump through all sorts of hoops, but in this case I think you should give it serious consideration.

Sorry to take this off-topic as I think the OP is looking for emotional advice rather than legal but there is a difference between a legal and church annulment. Afaik you can get a church annulment for non-consummation of marriage but there are no legal benefits to this, all it really means is that you can get married in a church if you get married again in future. You would still need a legal divorce.

To get a legal annulment one party must be physically incapable of having sex, refusal to have sex isn't considered reason enough for an annulment. Technically the OP could attempt to go down the route of getting a psychiatrist to assess her and say her refusal to have sex is due to a mental disorder. Or if it turned out the OP's wife is homosexual they could have an annulment. But tbh, if the marriage ends, which I think it should if she is unwilling to address this issue, it would be easier to seek a divorce.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/civil-annulment/applying_for_a_civil_annulment_of_marriage#introduction

LegacyUser

As many other people have said, I'm shocked. But for a different reason. I can't believe all these people can be so horrible about this woman. I'm in a similar situation. I've had two boyfriends, and so for the past 8 years I've been trying to have sex. It was so painful to try it. My first boyfriend was so horrible about it. He made me feel like i was selfish and I should be ashamed. My second boyfriend was really patient. He was glad to get what he got, and understood as much as he could why this was a problem. I didn't want to go to a doctor because technically my hymen hadn't broken properly up until about last year (hence the severe pain) and a doctor wouldn't do anything about it.

If this woman has some sort of psychological problem (which she probably will do after ten years of being made feel like it's her fault) she needs support, not an ultimatum. That is not love. I get that sex can be important to a lot of people, but look at it from this point of view - if you knew before you got married that you'd find it very difficult to have sex if you ever got to, would you have married her? If the answer is no, then you probably should leave her, because what's the point in being with someone you don't really want to love and support?

LegacyUser

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/civil-annulment/applying_for_a_civil_annulment_of_marriage

shellyboo

reallyshocked wrote: »

.
If this woman has some sort of psychological problem (which she probably will do after ten years of being made feel like it's her fault) she needs support, not an ultimatum. That is not love. I get that sex can be important to a lot of people, but look at it from this point of view - if you knew before you got married that you'd find it very difficult to have sex if you ever got to, would you have married her? If the answer is no, then you probably should leave her, because what's the point in being with someone you don't really want to love and support?

Er, it IS her fault. If she's in pain, go to the doctor. If she has psychological issues, seek counselling. Burying your head in the sand and ignoring your issues and your partner's needs is selfish in the extreme.

And given the OP's extreme patience, I have no doubt that he would have married her if she had been honest and said she had sexual issues. If she'd had the courage to be honest with him instead of fobbing him off for 10 years, the issue would be resolved by now. The woman needs help, that's clear and I have every sympathy for her - but to refuse to seek it at her partner's expense is selfish.

stackerman

reallyshocked wrote: »

I'm in a similar situation.

If this woman has some sort of psychological problem (which she probably will do after ten years of being made feel like it's her fault) she needs support, not an ultimatum. That is not love. I get that sex can be important to a lot of people, but look at it from this point of view - if you knew before you got married that you'd find it very difficult to have sex if you ever got to, would you have married her? If the answer is no, then you probably should leave her, because what's the point in being with someone you don't really want to love and support?

I think that is very harsh :mad:
The OP has been with his wife for MORE than 10 years, and in my opinion has been very supportive and understanding. If his wife is unwilling or unable to talk/address this issue, then the OP must question their relationship. The longer this goes on the more the OP will resent her.

Maybe considering your 'similar situation', you could suggest a solution, instead of having a go at the OP.

Cheap Thrills!

reallyshocked wrote: »

If this woman has some sort of psychological problem (which she probably will do after ten years of being made feel like it's her fault) she needs support, not an ultimatum. That is not love.

I didn't read anywhere that the OP made the wife feel it was her fault. However he should start because at this stage it is her fault. She has an obligation to work on and solve this problem in a reasonable time frame. And she is being selfish. Her attitude seems to be 'Im alright Jack' and she seems to think its acceptable to trick someone into marriage and refuse to have sex and refuse to rectify the situation. Sex hurting is something Docs can help with so all she has to do is seek help if it is a physical problem, ditto if it psychological. Within a reasonable timeframe I might add, and 10 years is ridiculous. I think OP you've gone beyond 'supporting' her, way beyond. She is making a mug of you.

reallyshocked wrote: »

I get that sex can be important to a lot of people, but look at it from this point of view - if you knew before you got married that you'd find it very difficult to have sex if you ever got to, would you have married her? If the answer is no, then you probably should leave her, because what's the point in being with someone you don't really want to love and support?

Sex is probably the strongest drive we have after food and water. IF the woman knew before the wedding she has this serious issue then she should have been honest about it. As I see it she has fraudulently married OP and is still merrily stringing him along.
OP you should leave her. OP, she has wasted your time and in no way seems to understand or care about the sacrifce you are making daily for her. She has been extremely selfish. I just dont know what goes on in the head of someone who marries someone else never intending the have sex. Its selfish and cruel. Love does not mean never ending endurance of someone elses refusal to sort their problems out.

CDfm

An annulment is no more a longer process than a divorce.

What it does in make sure is that you totally sever financial responsibility for her ie no maintenance. In ireland on divorce there is no such thing as a clean break but with annulment there is.

Non consumation is only one ground for annulment, you also have mental illness , marriage under duress etc.

Contact one of the mens groups like www.amen.ie and they may be able to point you in the right direction.

LegacyUser

I appreciate all the views expressed here. Although I do take exception to reallyshocked who more or less says that I don't love my wife.

Anyway, thanks and I'm hoping all the annulment talk is premature.

iguana

CDfm wrote: »

Non consumation is only one ground for annulment, you also have mental illness , marriage under duress etc.

Non-consummation is NOT grounds for legal annulment.

At the time of the marriage ceremony, either party was impotent. You must show that either you or your spouse was unable to consummate the marriage. You cannot obtain a declaration of nullity because one of you is infertile or because one of you is simply refusing to consummate the marriage. It must be the case that one of you is incapable of sexual intercourse.

dcmu

GuestName wrote: »

I appreciate all the views expressed here. Although I do take exception to reallyshocked who more or less says that I don't love my wife.

Anyway, thanks and I'm hoping all the annulment talk is premature.

Why would you consider an anullment after ten years? That would be the real injustice to your wife. I can understand you leaving her, and I probably would if it were me, but an annulment would essentially be like saying the marriage was a sham. And judging by your previous posts, you seem to value your marriage beyond the issue of sex, or lack of.

CDfm

dcmu wrote: »

Why would you consider an anullment after ten years? That would be the real injustice to your wife. I can understand you leaving her, and I probably would if it were me, but an annulment would essentially be like saying the marriage was a sham. And judging by your previous posts, you seem to value your marriage beyond the issue of sex, or lack of.

How can you say it would be an injustice. It seems to me that you are trying to guilt trip the OP. It hasnt operated as a marriage but more like a brother sister relationship.

If the OP has a clean break - he can get a normal relationship -its not his fault that his wife is the way she is. She was probably like that before they met and will be so afterward.

LegacyUser

dcmu wrote: »

Why would you consider an anullment after ten years?

Just to clarify, I never suggested an annulment. It was brought up by other posters. It wasn't something I'd even thought about..

iguana

GuestName wrote: »

Anyway, thanks and I'm hoping all the annulment talk is premature.

Have you ever really, really made it clear to her just how much the lack of sex is upsetting you? Tbh, I suspect that for a long time you haven't even really admitted it to yourself. I think a big part of you has probably felt guilty for being upset by this, so you have shied away from being completely honest with either of you about just how much this is bothering you and damaging your marriage.

You now seem to be at the point where you can't deny your own feelings anymore. The next step is to make how you are feeling clear to her. You have been extremely patient and understanding for 10 years, you clearly love her an awful lot and have been putting her first for a very long time. If she loves you as much as you love her then she needs to be willing to face her problems, whether they are psychological or physiological.

She needs to see a doctor/counsellor and she needs to make a real effort to fix this. Not just for you, but for herself too, as you aren't the only one missing out on the intimacies and fun that a sexual relationship contains.

dcmu

CDfm wrote: »

How can you say it would be an injustice. It seems to me that you are trying to guilt trip the OP. It hasnt operated as a marriage but more like a brother sister relationship.

If the OP has a clean break - he can get a normal relationship -its not his fault that his wife is the way she is. She was probably like that before they met and will be so afterward.

Get off your high horse, I'm not trying to guilt trip anyone.

Sorry, but if you are in a marriage, and the cite the lack of sex as a reason for an anullment, then it begs a number of questions, the main one being - how the hell did it take you 10 years to realise you weren't getting any sex. after one year, maybe. Not ten.
As I said, the OP is in a marriage; there is plenty more to a marriage than just sex. So after ten years of being in a marriage, that presumably functions in every way any other marriage, how can he want, or expect, an anullment?
To be harsh about it. It's his fault he's been in a sexless marriage for ten years, as much as it is his wife's. He knew where the door was for at least the last nine.

dcmu

GuestName wrote: »

Just to clarify, I never suggested an annulment. It was brought up by other posters. It wasn't something I'd even thought about..

Saying it's premature suggests to me, it might be a possibility in the future.

Stheno

dcmu wrote: »

Sorry, but if you are in a marriage, and the cite the lack of sex as a reason for an anullment, then it begs a number of questions, the main one being - how the hell did it take you 10 years to realise you weren't getting any sex. after one year, maybe. Not ten.

The OP has only been married for three years, and in that time the marriage has never been consummated. If it can be shown that his wife is unable to do so, then the marriage can be annulled, i.e. if she has a condition which means she cannot consummate the marriage.

CDfm

dcmu wrote: »

Get off your high horse, I'm not trying to guilt trip anyone.

To be harsh about it. It's his fault he's been in a sexless marriage for ten years, as much as it is his wife's. He knew where the door was for at least the last nine.

i am not saying anything other than the annulment route is an option and if sex is somthing she cannot do maybe that option is the legal way of doing it

some posters posted in an uninformed way about annulments

bugnme too

pfishfood

You have the patience of a saint. Counseling or an open relationship (although im getting the vibe that this may be a non runner) may be your only options. Does your wife know you feelings about the subject, does she know that your falling out of love with her or at least heading that way. I know that your saying that you don't want an annulment and i can definitly see why people are saying it. Perhaps a break or a holiday on you own for a while so you can think things over and see what you want for the future. I cant understand a sexless relationship not to mind a marriage as i associate it as being a very intimate act and is an integral part of a relationship. I think you should make your decision soon as to what type of action you want to take before its too late.

mood

OP your wife should be willing to see a doctor and/or counsellor about this, after all you have been together for 10 years and you have been more than patent. Obviously you can't sort this out between the two of you and need professional help.

Staying in a sexless long term relationship at your age is not right. I think it is a case of get help or think long and hard about the future of the relationship.

PopUp

OP, I may be barking up the wrong tree entirely here. But you are a virgin yourself too yes?

I can't help but wonder if perhaps your wife is not the only one who is very anxious about sex. It's just that honestly for someone with a healthy sex drive to go ten years without sex seems almost impossible.

I can't help but think that maybe you have your own stuff to deal with here too. I've no doubt it's primarily your wife's issues which have kept you from having sex but honestly to go ten years and only want to start dealing with it now - I can't help but suspect that you maybe have been having your own issues too and perhaps there was on some level relief to accept the celibacy for much of this time?

I really hope I haven't offended you and if I am completely wrong I apologise. It's just that I do think that, particularly in long-term relationships, it's rare that a problem occurs that's entirely one-sided. I don't even think talking about 'blame' is helpful in a lot of circumstances. I'm just trying to suggest that maybe you could benefit from some counselling yourself. You've been together for ten years, married for three and you are still a virgin. I think you both need to start talking to a doctor - counselling separately and together is really needed here.

mood

I agree they need to get counselling as a couple. I would be unfair to suggest she deal with it on her own.

i think counselling etc is the only way for the relationship to work.

LegacyUser

PopUp wrote: »

I can't help but wonder if perhaps your wife is not the only one who is very anxious about sex. It's just that honestly for someone with a healthy sex drive to go ten years without sex seems almost impossible.

I can't help but think that maybe you have your own stuff to deal with here too. I've no doubt it's primarily your wife's issues which have kept you from having sex but honestly to go ten years and only want to start dealing with it now - I can't help but suspect that you maybe have been having your own issues too and perhaps there was on some level relief to accept the celibacy for much of this time?

Yes 10 years is an incredibly long time to go without sex. But I can assure you there is no level of relief in accepting celibacy. It has been constantly on my mind. The last thing I think about going to bed and the first thing I think about getting up. I sure that sounds terrible but its like any problem in that you keep thinking about it til you sort it out.

You just find ways of dealing with it I suppose. The best way I've found is going to the gym 3/4 times a week and just punishing myself for an hour. If its not the gym it is playing some sport, anything just to get the aggression out. Other ways I find are just to try and not be emotional about things, try to cut myself off.

I don't think I have any issues myself, at least that I'm aware of. I would consider myself pretty open and would be up for trying anything sexually. It is just that I want to explore that with my wife. It is just that now I've been unable to cope.

Our next step though is counseling for the two of us.

iguana

GuestName wrote: »

Our next step though is counseling for the two of us.

Has she agreed to that? If so it really is a great first step, just make sure not to skirt the issue when you start going. I know it's embarrassing but the best thing to do is to come out with it straight away. Also make sure the counsellor has experience with sexual issues and get recommendations, a bad counsellor can be worse than no counsellor.

If your wife hasn't agreed yet, what do you plan to do if she says; no way?

mood

I think there is no need to be embarrassed but easier said than done. I'm sure counsellors have heard it all before. I hope it goes well. Good luck.

seamus

dcmu wrote: »

To be harsh about it. It's his fault he's been in a sexless marriage for ten years, as much as it is his wife's. He knew where the door was for at least the last nine.

To be fair, he's only been married for 3 years. The years before marraige are often covered up in these situations by religious excuses or talk of the fear of being an unwed mother. He loves her, so he'd be more than willing to hold out under the presumption that they would have a full physical relationship. But now they're married, and she's out of excuses. After 3 years he's now realised that he's facing the prospect of an entirely sexless life.

Many people would criticise him if he had made this an issue any sooner than this tbh.

CDfm

mood wrote: »

I think there is no need to be embarrassed but easier said than done. I'm sure counsellors have heard it all before. I hope it goes well. Good luck.

I agree - an your best course of action OP is to have a yap with someone yourself.

If I was in your shoes I would go off to my GP in the first instance and discuss it.Its no good going out and picking a counsellor from the golden pages.There is also little use in getting her to pick one.

Thats what GPs are for and its their job to assist with this.

mood

seamus wrote: »

Many people would criticise him if he had made this an issue any sooner than this tbh.

I don't agree if he came on here after 2 years or five years I think people would give the same advice or even say walk away.

And the OP has said nothing about her using religion as reason or excuse.

duracell_bunny

removed

iguana

duracell_bunny wrote: »

Sorry to go slightly off topice here - the OP didn't ask for this information - but I had to respond to the quoted post. My friend is currently in a relationship with a man who was married for four years and had two children with his wife. He was granted an annulment because his wife had a medical/psychiatric illness and was on medication for their whole marriage and she never told him.

I did say that was possible in the very next sentence of the post you selectively quoted. But I really don't think that is where the OP is right now. He wants to save the relationship if he can. If it turns out that he can't and he and his wife can divorce without it having a negative impact on his finances then the divorce would be easier and kinder.

His wife isn't a horrible bitch, there is obviously some deep-seeded reason for her to behave this way. While it is selfish of her to try to sweep this under the carpet and not seek help for her husband's sake if not her own, she isn't doing it to be selfish or uncaring.